Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Dirty Briefs, and this episode is going to be all about self-care.
Speaker: Because you know me, I love all forms of healing.
Speaker: I mean, I also love getting super fucked up, but that's way more fun than healing yourself.
Speaker: your body getting it all fucked up.
Speaker: But healing can be pretty fun too.
Speaker: Whether you do meditations, cold showers, hot yoga, float tanks, whatever you're into, that is cool.
Speaker: You just have to find something that works for you.
Speaker: But in this episode, I want to go over a few alternative forms of self-care that you may or may not be
Speaker: with.
Speaker: And look, take these with a grain of salt.
Speaker: I personally think they are extraordinary.
Speaker: They will change your life.
Speaker: They will allow you to enter a different dimension where you are vibrating and pulsating on this level that you have never felt before.
Speaker: True connectivity is within your grasp.
Speaker: And I'm going to tell you exactly how to get it.
Speaker: Everybody.
Speaker: So these are five self-healing tips that you may or may not be familiar with.
Speaker: And I implore you to try one, two, three, or maybe even all five.
Speaker: And then come up with your own.
Speaker: Tell me what you do to heal.
Speaker: Number one, everyone.
Speaker: Once a day, for five minutes, you should lay with your ear to the ground.
Speaker: See, the Earth has cosmic, potent energy, and that energy is within all of us.
Speaker: It is simply our job to harness it.
Speaker: How do we do that?
Speaker: By listening, by feeling, by absorbing.
Speaker: lay down and listen to what the universe is trying to tell you.
Speaker: Now for best results, I suggest doing it on a closed street.
Speaker: It's very difficult to channel your Chi if a pickup truck could run over you at any moment while you're trying to heal.
Speaker: So pick a spot that is safe for you to lay on the ground and really get your roots connected to the roots of the earth.
Speaker: Number two.
Speaker: One bottle of kombucha contains billions of probiotics to increase your gut health.
Speaker: Well, if one bottle of kombucha has billions of probiotics, a whole bath will
Speaker: will contain trillions of probiotics.
Speaker: Kombucha baths, everyone.
Speaker: Yes, that's what I'm pitching here in the Shark Tank.
Speaker: Get a kiddie pool, fill it up with gingerade, and then submerge yourself.
Speaker: You will be flying amongst the stars, amongst the brilliant blue gingerberry waters, absorbing into every single pore.
Speaker: Sure, there are side effects.
Speaker: You might turn into a dreadlocked hippie who blows glass sculptures that may or may not be bonks.
Speaker: But the rejuvenation you will feel will be well worth it.
Speaker: Take that kombucha bath splash, everyone.
Speaker: And then get ready for number three.
Speaker: A-S-M-R.
Speaker: A lot of us are familiar with it.
Speaker: Those auditory sounds that are extremely comforting.
Speaker: Something like this, like the gentle perusal of fingers across your hair.
Speaker: Here's the ASMR I like, everyone.
Speaker: Baby screams.
Speaker: Yes, screaming babies.
Speaker: Does it sound annoying and loud?
Speaker: Good, because not all self-care is supposed to be easy.
Speaker: When a baby cries, it is because it has a need that is currently not being called.
Speaker: fulfilled within those devilish blood curling screams there is deep intent and emotion that baby is manifesting what it needs food sleep it's dad to start playing peekaboo and stop doing dabs you get it what are you trying to manifest
Speaker: Put on the soothing sounds of an infant in turmoil and lean the fuck in.
Speaker: Now look, you may have a revelation within a couple of minutes or it may not come until later.
Speaker: But if you commit at least five to ten minutes a day of this activity, I promise you will yield results.
Speaker: And if you combine it with breath work or meditation, you can really pack that extra punch.
Speaker: So
Speaker: Download some baby screams or if you don't have access to a baby, adopt one.
Speaker: There's plenty of kids in the world that need your help.
Speaker: So please look out into adoption.
Speaker: Number four, self-care routines you may not be familiar with.
Speaker: Guys, I'm a big advocate of this one.
Speaker: Shoplifting.
Speaker: Yup.
Speaker: When was the last time you pulled the five finger discount?
Speaker: See, fingers aren't just for playing with yourself.
Speaker: No, or licking excess Cheeto dust.
Speaker: Fingers are for stealing.
Speaker: Did you know that most stores have a no chase policy when it comes to shoplifting?
Speaker: What does this mean for you?
Speaker: Confidence.
Speaker: All you need is confidence.
Speaker: There's a nervous feeling you get when you know you're doing something that is considered by many to be distasteful or even illegal.
Speaker: But I look at stealing a different way.
Speaker: See, the confidence it takes to brazenly walk into a store with no money, put something in your pocket, and then walk back out will do a huge number for your psyche.
Speaker: You'll feel invincible.
Speaker: Like you can do anything.
Speaker: For extra points, don't even put it in your pocket.
Speaker: Walk in the store, take what you need, look directly at the cashier as you walk out, and cruise the fuck out of there without a second thought.
Speaker: Because you deserve to have nice things.
Speaker: Say it again.
Speaker: I deserve to have nice things.
Speaker: How you get them, that's up to you.
Speaker: But only steal from corporations, never individuals.
Speaker: Number five in our final self-care routine for dummies.
Speaker: Put your clothes on backwards.
Speaker: Sounds stupid.
Speaker: Why would you ever do that?
Speaker: Put your clothes on backwards?
Speaker: Well, let me tell you this.
Speaker: By leaving your home with everything inside out, mismatched, you are leaving yourself open for ridicule.
Speaker: And that is when true serendipity can occur.
Speaker: You are removing the judgments from other people.
Speaker: Because when you stop giving a fuck what others think about you, you are surrendering space for healing energy to enter your realm.
Speaker: We all have to ask for guidance at different moments.
Speaker: But if you're truly free, and I mean shoes on the wrong feet, uncomfortable shorts on your head, you are a disheveled mess, you're inviting free spirits into your own dimension.
Speaker: And if you listen, they might have all the answers that you need.
Speaker: Did this help?
Speaker: Are you going to try any of these, all of these?
Speaker: What are your practices that you use to get yourself out of your own head and connected to the universal mind?
Speaker: Because there is energy that is palpable and it is flowing through all of us.
Speaker: And if you can channel that physical feeling and connect it to your emotions, to your manifestations, to your motivations, well...
Speaker: You're going to be an unstoppable force, my friend.
Speaker: No one can tell you what to do except you.
Speaker: Take away the judgments.
Speaker: Heal yourself.
Speaker: And if you need some different meditations, maybe you haven't found ones that work for you, go to my YouTube page.
Speaker: Go to my YouTube page because I got some misguided meditations on there that are not only healing, but also hilarious.
Speaker: And fun.
Speaker: And might shake you to your core just a little.
Speaker: Always remember, coopercomedy.com's got all my tour dates and I got lots of stuff coming up.
Speaker: So come see me on the road because I'm not only healing, I'm telling jokes.
Speaker: We're having fun.
Speaker: Every show is a goddamn party for your face.
Speaker: So come get some, everybody.
Speaker: Put on a silly hat, and I will see you out there.
Speaker: HooperComedy.com, add HooperHairPuff on all social media, and subscribe, of course, to Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: Keep healing!
