What If It’s a Bunch of Shit? Margaret Rutherford on the Relentless Camouflage of a Perfect Life

“There is tremendous loneliness in the kind of life where you just don’t feel like anybody knows you.” — Margaret Rutherford

Yesterday, the Brooklyn psychotherapist Daniel Smith defined perfection as the devil. Today, the Arkansas-based Dr. Margaret Rutherford explains what happens in our FOMO age when the devil wins. Her subject is what she calls the “perfectly hidden depression” of today’s Instagrammable types. Perfectionism rates are going up, Rutherford warns. And so, not uncoincidentally, are suicide rates.

Rutherford’s own mother in Fifties suburban Arkansas was a case study. Beautiful, smart, talented and anorexic. The perfectly mannered and coiffeured hostess. Married the “right” husband but in love with the wrong man. An Arkansas Madame Bovary. “The fucked-up fifties woman” as one of her friends called it. She became a prescription drug junkie because of her addiction to perfection. Nobody knew her, not even herself. The relentless camouflage of her life became a prison. Rutherford has spent the last decade trying to help people escape that prison — first with her book Perfectly Hidden Depression, now with a companion workbook.

On AI and therapy, Rutherford is equally blunt as Daniel Smith. She noticed that AI always praised her ideas. But what if AI, like Instagram, is what she calls “a bunch of shit”? A real therapist tells you what you may not want to hear. The AI shrink starts with flattery. Rather than therapy, that’s just more camouflage for a perfectly imperfect life.

Five Takeaways

•       Perfectionism Rates Are Going Up. So Are Suicide Rates: The academic researchers have been screaming this for years. People whose lives look like they’re going great are dying by suicide. They slip through every diagnostic crack because they answer every question the way a non-depressed person would. They leave the therapist’s office with a wave and a smile.

•       The Relentless Camouflage of Performing Your Life: Destructive perfectionism isn’t wanting to do things well. It’s fuelled by fear and shame — the need to cover up everything that’s caused you pain. The camouflage becomes a prison. Your sense of worth depends on it. You can allow no one to see you struggling — not even yourself.

•       Her Mother Was a Fucked-Up Fifties Woman: Beautiful, smart, talented — and knew none of those things. Anorexic. The perfect hostess. Married the right man but was in love with someone else. Became a prescription drug addict because of the need to look perfect. Nobody knew her. She didn’t allow anybody in.

•       The Harvard Study: It’s Not Money. It’s Connection: The seventy-five-year longitudinal study found that happiness comes from feeling in relationship with other people — not wealth, not success, not followers. We’ve transplanted connection with metrics. The perfectionism epidemic and the loneliness epidemic are the same epidemic.

•       AI Therapy: What If It’s a Bunch of Shit? Rutherford noticed that AI always praised her ideas. Oh, these are wonderful. Then she thought: what if they’re not? Real therapy means being told what you may not want to hear. AI starts with flattery. A good therapist starts with the truth. You cannot replace the human sense of gentle — or not so gentle — confrontation.

About the Guest

Dr. Margaret Rutherford is a clinical psychologist, TEDx speaker (2 million+ views), and host of the Self Work podcast (500+ episodes, 5 million+ downloads). She is the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression and its companion workbook. She practices in Fayetteville, Arkansas.