Transcript
Speaker: in the jungle we find another dirty brief.
Speaker: Well everyone this episode is gonna be topical just like the ointments I use it is going to soothe
Speaker: in a way that is nourishing to your entire being.
Speaker: So I heard, I read a news article this week, and man, this is so fun.
Speaker: A fertility doctor, Dr. Morris Wartman, 72 years old, which by the way, let's talk about this for a second before I go into this actual story.
Speaker: A doctor whose name is Wartman, ew,
Speaker: Gross.
Speaker: I don't want to see whatever kind of leper toad doctor has a name like Wartman.
Speaker: The last thing I want to think about when I go see a doctor is warts or boils or any sort of gashes all over your body of any kind.
Speaker: Ew, gross.
Speaker: Change your name.
Speaker: I don't care if it's the one you were born with.
Speaker: Now,
Speaker: Speaking of the one you were born with, this is where this story gets so interesting.
Speaker: This Dr. Morris Wortman, he died in a plane crash this week.
Speaker: And the plane he was flying in was hand-built.
Speaker: Let me go ahead and repeat that.
Speaker: The plane he was flying in was hand-built.
Speaker: If you've ever been to Home Depot, you know their slogan is do it yourself.
Speaker: I disagree.
Speaker: I do not think you should do it yourself, whether it be a simple home repair or building an aircraft that is going to take you way up into the sky or deep down in the ocean.
Speaker: Have you seen these people that build their own submarines?
Speaker: The Gaul.
Speaker: To think, oh, I don't need a professional to do this very difficult, very complicated procedure.
Speaker: I will risk my life.
Speaker: Now, Wartman, I'm not surprised he risked his life by flying in a hand-built aircraft because this guy liked to do everything himself.
Speaker: In fact, he was accused of...
Speaker: inseminating his own patients a fertility doctor using his own sperm to inseminate patients and this is a story you will hear time and time again there is a documentary on netflix called our father about dr donald klein who has over 98
Speaker: Children from multiple women because he was doing this secretly.
Speaker: Of course, it was a secret.
Speaker: If you can't tell your patient, hey, just so you know, instead of your husband's sperm, I'm going to use mine and I'm a doctor.
Speaker: So you should trust that it's going to be really, really good.
Speaker: But 98 kids.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: How do you remember their names, their birthdays, their favorite foods?
Speaker: Why do you want to fill out paperwork for 98 kids?
Speaker: Why do you think you are so special that the rules just don't apply to this man?
Speaker: He never thought any repercussions would come from either inseminating patients or building his own airplane.
Speaker: Clearly, he has trust issues.
Speaker: When I was going through chemo, if my oncologist said, hey, there is an FDA approved medicine.
Speaker: It's really great.
Speaker: It has been tested and it works and it will solve your Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Speaker: Or...
Speaker: I mixed a few chemicals in my bathtub with a broom and I think that's gonna really do the trick.
Speaker: I would have ran out of that office at the speed of the Roadrunner.
Speaker: I would have been out of there.
Speaker: I would have thought this man is fucking crazy.
Speaker: But of course, what you don't know,
Speaker: can't always hurt you.
Speaker: Man, it can hurt you, but you don't know it's going to hurt you.
Speaker: I don't trust myself in this area.
Speaker: I don't trust myself at all.
Speaker: I don't even make my own pasta because I don't think it's going to go well.
Speaker: I will go to a restaurant and spend $85 on a steak, even though I could spend $22 and make that steak at home, but I don't trust that I'm going to be able to char the edges and have that perfectly pink, juicy meat on the inside.
Speaker: I will mess it up.
Speaker: I trust
Speaker: professionals.
Speaker: If you went to Boeing and said, hey, Boeing, I see what you're doing.
Speaker: You got a big team.
Speaker: You have plans.
Speaker: You have action that will get you to where you need to go so you can fly a plane safely.
Speaker: But I want to build my own.
Speaker: They would kick you out of that facility so quick.
Speaker: I looked up how much it costs to build to buy a helicopter because I was curious.
Speaker: And an average helicopter you can get for $1.5 million.
Speaker: Now, maybe you have a million and a half dollars.
Speaker: Maybe you don't.
Speaker: But either way, you're probably not going to spend it on a helicopter.
Speaker: However, for $50,000, you could build your own helicopter.
Speaker: Is that a good idea?
Speaker: Probably not.
Speaker: But you're going to look at those savings.
Speaker: You're going to see $50,000 or $1.5 million.
Speaker: I think I'd prefer to spend the $50,000 even if it means putting myself at death's door.
Speaker: Don't build a motorcycle out of Pez dispensers.
Speaker: Think of the risks.
Speaker: There's a reason why Harley-Davidson is a massive company because there's trust there.
Speaker: They have a proven track record.
Speaker: I actually, I like this idea of building your own means of transportation, whether it be a bike, a car, a plane, a submarine.
Speaker: You know why I like it?
Speaker: Because more than likely, you will make a mistake.
Speaker: And that mistake will be fatal.
Speaker: And honestly, I like Darwinism.
Speaker: I do.
Speaker: I want the world to take care of you in a way that you might not be able to take care of yourself.
Speaker: Because if you're stupid enough...
Speaker: To think that you can build your own plane and then fly in it and just be totally okay when you land?
Speaker: We're running out of water.
Speaker: We don't need you anymore.
Speaker: We don't need people like you using up our precious resources.
Speaker: I don't need to wait in line to get into a restaurant just because you are in front of me because you don't deserve to be in this world.
Speaker: If your brain says, yes, I can do it myself, then do it yourself.
Speaker: Do it because I believe in you.
Speaker: I believe that if you do it yourself, you will get exactly what's coming to you.
Speaker: Just like Dr. Morris Wortman did.
Speaker: Think about all those children that are growing up without a father.
Speaker: That might seem sad.
Speaker: It might, until you think that what was he gonna teach them?
Speaker: What was he gonna pass down from father to child that was really gonna help them?
Speaker: Is he gonna say, oh, let me show you how to build your own rocket ship.
Speaker: Let me show you how to make your own gun.
Speaker: Yeah, you're six years old.
Speaker: Let me show you all the ways that I can help you in a fatherly sense.
Speaker: Are you insane?
Speaker: Are you insane?
Speaker: I don't think you are.
Speaker: Because an insane person wouldn't listen to this podcast.
Speaker: An insane person would think, no.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I will pay somebody to do it for me.
Speaker: I pay people to do everything for me.
Speaker: I won't even fix my own tire.
Speaker: My own flat tire.
Speaker: I know how to do it.
Speaker: But I'm not going to stand on the side of the road and risk my own life and get dirty.
Speaker: Ew.
Speaker: No, thank you.
Speaker: But if you're out there thinking, I think I can do that.
Speaker: You can do that.
Speaker: Just make sure that you say goodbye to all of your loved ones.
Speaker: Tell them how much they mean to you.
Speaker: Tell them how they can move on and be a better person in this world because without you, they will be a better person.
Speaker: Survival of the fittest, everyone.
Speaker: If you're building your own planes, you don't deserve
Speaker: to be using the same resources and even breathing the same air that the rest of us do.
Speaker: Because we're all trucking along.
Speaker: We're all trying our best, but we don't have the, God, I can't even think of the word right now.
Speaker: We don't think we can just do it.
Speaker: And if we do, we're not going to try.
Speaker: At least not when it comes to that sense.
Speaker: When it comes to building a plane, I won't even make my own salad dressing.
Speaker: I'll tell you where you should do it yourself.
Speaker: When you're listening to Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: when you are thinking about how to artificially inseminate other people's minds, not their ovaries, just their minds.
Speaker: Because I do think that is a great idea.
Speaker: And you should subscribe and share this podcast, everyone.
Speaker: So if you're not doing that already, subscribe, click that button,
Speaker: or go to HooperComedy.com for my tour dates before you build your own train that doesn't need tracks and will fly down the Autobahn at 200 miles per hour, eventually causing a fiery crash and your own death, please come see me at a show.
Speaker: Because everyone deserves to laugh before they scream in agony and perish.
Speaker: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, HooperComedy.com.
Speaker: Thanks for listening, everyone.
Speaker: I'll see you again next week.
