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Emotional Regulation and How To Feel Less Stressed with William Middleton
34 Plays1 year ago
Stressed out? You're not alone. According to the American Psychiatric Association, 43% of U.S. adults feel more stressed now than they did a year ago. Anxiety is highly correlated to poor sleep — we've all had those racing thoughts that keep us up for hours. Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize and respond to your feelings, including your body's instinctive stress response. Hear from a mental health counselor about why we feel anxious and what to do about it.
William Middleton is a pre-licensed therapist whose counseling methods include emotional-focused therapy blended with narrative therapy. He helps clients discover the skills and tools to thrive in their current seasons of life.
Connect with William at https://www.heartpinecounselingcenter.com/.
In this episode:
- The stories we tell ourselves
- What is emotional dysregulation?
- The brain's natural response to stressful situations
- The everyday dangers our minds perceive
- How stress and anxiety impact our sleep
- Demystifying therapy, and how counseling can help
- The classic anxiety dream
- Developing awareness and self-regulation
Connect with us at SuenoLabs.com. We're currently looking for contributors and podcast guests!
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Transcript
Rising Anxiety Trends in the U.S.
00:00:00
Speaker
A recent study from the American Psychiatric Association found that 43% of U.S. adults say they feel more anxious than they did this time last year. In the same study, 53% of U.S. adults say that stress is the single biggest factor impacting their mental health. There is so much research out there about how stress and anxiety are associated with physical health ailments and specifically not sleeping well.
Introduction to Emotional Regulation with William Middleton
00:00:30
Speaker
So today I'm talking to a mental health counselor to shed some light on what actually is happening in our brains, our thought processes, our emotional regulation when we become stressed and how having some awareness over this biochemical response in the body can
00:00:51
Speaker
actually help us mitigate the effects of stress in our daily lives
00:01:02
Speaker
i talk with pre-licensed therapist william middleton about what it means to be emotionally disysregulated and how we can better respond to stress and anxiety in our lives. I'm Jimmy Leonard.
00:01:18
Speaker
this is s suno
00:01:28
Speaker
to Suenyo Labs. How are you today? I'm doing well. Thank you for having me. It's great to be here. Yeah, super excited to have you on the show. So we have got a bunch of things that I'm hoping to cover today, but I thought maybe you could introduce yourself a little bit, people who might not know you. So you're a mental health counselor. So tell us about that. What excites you about that work? Sure.
The Role of Storytelling in Therapy
00:01:53
Speaker
I have the great privilege of sitting with people in maybe some of the hardest times of their life or maybe some of the moments of greatest change in their life. So picture somebody who just had a crisis, but needs to figure it out in order to progress, like a job change, a career change. Someone passed away in the family. They welcomed me along to that journey. And I think what drew me to it initially was my love for storytelling and the realization that we tell a story to ourselves and to others every single day that we wake up. And it's kind of only when we find a difference from the story that we tell ourselves and others to what actually happens that there's moments that we don't quite like what's happening. And if they add up to a certain degree
00:02:42
Speaker
come talk to me yeah i like that i like that connection to storytelling you i do a lot of writing do some fiction writing as well and you know sometimes you'll hear people say that not all stories are real but all stories are true you know just kind of making this distinction you know, maybe there's something that I believe about myself or something that I believe about my relationships and other people might see it differently. yeah But if that is degree, then come talk to me. the story I tell myself, there's truth in it because it it's affecting me and it's affecting the way I perceive those relationships. And so I think that's ah an interesting framework to think about how someone's life story is told to themselves or how they've heard their life story told to them from other people. Yeah, it's an ongoing, ever-changing thing. That's the thing I love about the work is that it's never the same. You mentioned that you get to join people in in moments of crisis or big change. I'm sure it's different for different people, but I'm curious how often people realize that what they're experiencing is a crisis or a big change at the moment they start therapy, or if that's something that that hits later of, oh, what happened to me is actually a
Recognizing and Navigating Crises in Therapy
00:03:56
Speaker
really big deal. And that's why it's affecting me. Yeah, it could be one or the other or both. So somebody can come in and say, man, that my last eight relationships are not ended up the way that I wanted them to, even if it was not to proceed, but man, they kind of went downhill fast. And then we kind of like look back and realize that there was something else there that kind of informs the the here and the now, we call it. And that can be very great and uplifting. It's like, aha, I have a why. A lot of people want to come in and they want to find a why. But then the hard part is like, now what? What do we do with this why now that we have it? And that's where the majority of the work comes in. That's kind of like the first chapter. So there's no simple answer to that we can share right here with now what? Now what? um Yeah, that's where it gets individual. But the majority of how I do it and how I know others is to be as open as you can. Think of the kindest person that you know. For a lot of us, it might be a grandparent that had no distractions, that had no ulterior motives, but just wanted the best for you and wasn't really eager to prescribe what they thought was best unless it was dangerous. Like grandma, I'm going to go play in traffic, but she just wanted to listen. She just wanted to be there and hear you. And there's a certain moment that happens, not just an understanding, but an experience that is very human. And that's basically the work that I do every day. I like that. What a great image. Something to think about. Yeah. Hope that that's true for many people, that they can conjure an image of someone in their family who filled that role, even if it wasn't mom or dad, but someone else. ah So when we were preparing for this episode, you threw out a term to me. You talked about dysregulation, emotional dysregulation. That sounds very academic. What i what is that about? Sure.
Understanding Emotional Dysregulation
00:05:58
Speaker
um The way that I can break it down for people, and I often, I don't try to use clinical terms in session because I don't really find them helpful unless someone's asking. They say, I want to find some solid ground. I know that others have studied this. I need a label. And sometimes that can be very helpful for a person. But often you're sitting with someone, they are in the process of being emotionally dysregulated. And the answer is always to sit with them, try to be calm through that process. But dysregulation, the easiest way to think about it, rather than defining it, do you remember the last time that you were with a teenager who you knew was a teenager? Just by their behavior, just by the way that they acted, that they were having a bad day. And you're like, ah, I remember that. I think for me, that hits more with toddlers. I have a three-year-old at home and what counts as a bad day for a three-year-old is a little different than what I would consider a bad day. But there is that that sliver of empathy of, oh, you didn't get to have candy for breakfast. That is hard. I'm sorry. I'm still not going to change my mind, but I understand that that's frustrating. You can't have chocolate for breakfast. Absolutely. And we can kind of look at it from an empathetic point with a child, but it's kind of harder with maybe a preteen or a teen because the requests aren't candy for breakfast. It's, I want to go do this. I want to express this part of myself. And for whatever reason, it comes out pretty loud at times. And then that kind of hits us of like, we're doing our thing, dealing with the stresses in our life. Then if you tell them no, and unlike a toddler who might just break down and is emotionally dysregulated as well, their response might be to argue. Their response might be to protest in maybe a very articulate way. They can make a good case for themselves. And so it's the same function, but as we age, it gets harder to identify. And the hardest part is when we grow with it to identify it later. What might that look like? Because I think if we stick with the the parenting analogy, it's really easy to sit in that seat of, you know, I say this as a parent. Well, I know what's right for you. So I'm telling you to not play in traffic or I'm telling you to not go out with your friends until two in the morning on a school night because I know that that is right for your life. But I think as an adult, it does get murkier because yeah i I don't necessarily, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't necessarily know what's right for me because my situations are more nuanced and more complicated than should I run in front of traffic today? Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a great distinction because adults, man, we hate being told that we're wrong, especially about ourselves. So we find that rarely helpful unless someone is explicitly asking it and then we talk about it. A lot of clients will ask me like, William, what do you think? William, what do you think? And they'll keep asking. And I find that response rarely helpful. Sometimes it is, but most of the times I lean on them. So it's not me dictating their life. It's actually empowering them to look at the information and become regulated because they don't need me. The hope is not that I continue to regulate them. The hope is that they learn to regulate themselves. Yeah, being able to answer some of those questions or or perhaps sometimes even just believe yourself. I think sometimes when we think about decisions like, you know, should I quit my job or should I stay here? Or, you know, should I ask this person on a date or should I not? We often know what we want to do, but it's just, can we access that? Can we can we feel okay with that? Maybe it's scary. Maybe the answer is, yeah, I hate this job and I do want to quit it, but the implications of that are frightening. Yeah, the answer is never to not feel it, but it's kind of to understand it. And it's kind of going back to like the way that I view people and I feel incongruent, I guess, with their story. That a part of them knows that I see myself as a kind person, and yet I have road rage. That doesn't feel quite right. And there's a part of us that is aware of that, and maybe a part that's dismissive, and then the part that's maybe upset with ourselves. And it can get pretty messy and tangled up. And my job is not to be kind of the expert of their experience, but to be the expert of the space, kind of let them experience their life. And in the process of telling me, it almost becomes like more clear. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I know some psychologists will make the distinction between a value and a belief in those types of situations where maybe a belief is I'm a kind person. So the fact that I have road rage is incongruent with that because kind people don't have road rage, where another way to frame that is I'm a person who tries to be kind because I value kindness, but a person who tries to be kind occasionally has road rage and it's, it fits a little better in that framework. Yeah. Yeah. Some, all of us, uh, unfortunately and fortunately can't fit into tight little boxes all the time. And so having some wiggle room to have those moments and to be gracious with ourselves ah turns out to be the greatest mortar to keep our mental structures, our personalities, ourselves, however we conceptualize it um intact. Easier said than done, right? Oh my gosh, yes. So we talk a lot about sleep on Spanier Labs. And one thing that I'm sure anybody listening to this can relate to is those racing thoughts at the end of the day, because sometimes we we don't actually realize these kinds of things that we're talking about until everything is done. And that's when it's, oh, I feel super stressed or I feel super anxious or I feel guilty or shamed about what happened today or I regret not doing something or doing something. Why do you think it's so common for that to hit right at the end of the day and like versus in the moment for most people? Because I hear this, right? you know People will often say, like I have trouble falling asleep. They don't necessarily say, oh, I have trouble making it to a meeting that I have at 1130 AM m when I'm at work. you know We seem to do those things without giving in to stress and anxiety.
Stress at Day's End and Cortisol's Role
00:12:57
Speaker
Yeah. What I often find in my work is that a part of us is aware as we go throughout the day that we kind of carry it with us. And maybe it's not a conscious one. Maybe it's not present in our minds. But when we get to the end of a long workday that's been distracting enough to pull us away from the things that we know that we care about, aren't sure if we can quite process our own, they kind of sneak up on us one by one because we care about them. So on the one hand, we we want to hold them. For some reason, I can't just let it go. But on the other, it feels like a burden to keep holding on to them. The thing that keeps chasing me throughout the end of ah at least an American workday, it's been very full. There's not a lot of breaks and there's not a lot of time to ourselves. Distractions are paramount and often. And get home, have a moment to ourselves for the first time, maybe that whole day, things can find us. So I know you mentioned you don't always bring in the clinical definitions unless somebody asks for it. So I'm going to ask for it. So so when we say things find us, like biochemically, like what what does that mean? What is going on? yeah Because we experience, right? You know, like saying I'm stressed out, yeah that has physical consequences. You know, that that means my muscles are tight. That means I can't rest when I lie down. Absolutely. So you know the main one that people would know is as soon as we feel stressed, we one thing that we know about the brain is like ah the stress hormone cortisol releases. It has numerous effects throughout our body. But I think the main thing that I try to tell people when they ask for like this specific, that this kind of work is that our minds, um our brains, our bodies are designed to keep us safe. And a lot of it has to do with kind of a fear response. So that's the physical ramifications. It's not necessarily like, where do you feel that in your body? It's a whole body experience that our ancestors found very useful that if there was a rustle in the jungle that your whole body gets tense, less blood goes to your organs, your reproductive organs, and they go to your muscles. Your pupils dilate to either stay very, very still or to run very, very fast. And we've had to very, very, very quickly adapt to a world where we are not in impending physical harm, but yet our bodies respond as if we are. And we can rationally tell ourselves there is no animal about to eat me or cause me physical pain, but yet I feel like it. And trying to differentiate and make that make sense in the moment that someone says, I'm breaking up with you. It doesn't make sense. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I want to run until my feet fall off? I'm not in danger. I know that really, but I feel like I am. And that can be even more terrifying in and of itself. The image of a ah bear or wolf chasing you is maybe for some people, they that you know having never had that in real life, might say, well, that's almost less scary than somebody breaking up with me. um But yeah, it kind of replaces that immediacy in the mind. That makes sense. So so fascinating. So what when we're thinking about, okay, this is what my body is conditioned to do. How do we tell ourselves that there is no bear or there is no wolf, especially when it's, as we just pointed out, it's not necessarily that the danger is completely imagined. You know, the idea of, oh, if my boss finds out about this, I'm going to get fired. Or if, you know, my spouse finds out about this, it could end our marriage. yeah that Those are real. Oh, absolutely.
Real vs. Perceived Threats in Modern Life
00:17:09
Speaker
Yeah, that's the difference between kind of real and true. The threat might be imagined to this severity, but boy, howdy, does it feel real? And a lot oftentimes, our imagination can get the best of us. So it might very well be. My boss said X, Y, or Z, and I did X, Y, or Z. So I know without a shadow of a doubt that this will get me fired. Oh my gosh, like how dismissive would it be to say, get over it? How dismissive would it be to just say, like ignore what is happening to you? Absolutely. like You should feel threatened because that's your livelihood. We lose the term throughout the meeting, but that puts food on the table, keeps a roof over your head. These are things that we need to survive. So that should matter to you. Connection is so important that we dismiss it through this modern age of convenience. But that's like what brings us happiness. It what brings us a sincere sense of joy. So the thought of losing a connection, like like a romantic one, or even a friend, a family member, like those hurt us on a real level that we can understand biologically, but we experience daily. And so the first step is to accept that your body is trying to tell you that this matters to you. And it doesn't go anywhere if we try to stuff it. Take it from a guy who talks to these people every day that have been taught that, and that's understandable, but it doesn't go anywhere. We have to work through it. And oftentimes it can help to give it an outlet, to give it a way to be expressed because it's going to keep happening. We're going to be afraid of something else.
Expressing vs. Suppressing Stress
00:18:59
Speaker
Is outlet in this sense, running into the middle of the woods and screaming, punching a pillow? Is that potentially what we're talking about here? I recommend both of those things, by the way, having done. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It can be anything that gets you moving. I love to, especially um in most of our like sedentary lives, like you and I are both sitting right now for for a long period of time. And I imagine most people's jobs have to do with that. Getting up and moving is great. But I would say more than anything, we like to think of our our mind and our body as disconnected, that this is just the casing for that. Absolutely, categorically not true. What we believe, what we think, what we are trying to construct mentally has a physical effect. So if our body is telling us that we are afraid, that something matters to us, to be aware of something, the worst thing that we can do is try to put it away, to say, I not in danger because it's telling us something. Now it might have the degree off and the volume might be cranked to 11 and it should be five. But I'd say if there's any way to just move the lid off the container that we're so often taught to put on it, that's that's a best step. And you might know intuitively what to do next. If someone's listening to this and it's not intuitive, I think sometimes the experience is the, I feel like crying, but I don't know why. Or I feel really upset, but I don't know why. Or maybe it's I was in a conversation with somebody and I i overreacted to something they said. And I recognize that it was an overreaction, but I don't know why. I don't know why what they said was so upsetting or so threatening. What are some ways that we could look at those situations? You mentioned awareness with more awareness to understand, oh, well, that's because I was afraid or, oh, well, that's because something felt threatening about that. That's a great question. I like to think of it as the faster that you feel like you're going through your mental logs of what happened, the more that you can miss. So the first step is slowing it down, taking a breath, literally or metaphorically, and giving yourself the time to go over it. Was I sad about this or was this informed by something else? And the goal, not being greater awareness solely, but I guess the process of doing it being equally as valuable. The goal is not just to get to the end and be like, aha, I found my why, but it's the process at which you find it. Process by which that you can discover yourself along the way. Like, I guess I'm not really patient with myself. I guess I do need exact answers in the moment or otherwise I don't feel comfortable with this conversation. And I might be mad at someone who isn't trying to offend me and believes that they are giving good responses. It can be hard to distinguish if we go fast. I think that's a good framework to tack on, especially if it is a conversation with somebody is stepping into their shoes for a moment. Does it seem like that they are trying to annoy me or or trying to upset me? Something my wife and I have actually said to each other for years, if if we're in a ah conversation that is trending toward an argument or trending toward a disagreement, a lot of times we will just pause and we will tell each other, I'm on your team or I'm on your side. You know, just, just kind of reset. Like, Hey, I realized that this is potentially getting tense for one of us or both of us, but, but let's just remember that we are not adversaries and reframe that if something I said was coming out the wrong way, it wasn't intentional. I'm not here to try to hurt you, even though I recognize that sometimes I do. It's not the intention. That's beautiful. And I would call that in my work, a returning to. I'm returning to who I am and who we are in this relationship. And that's a great, great response to the feeling of stress or disconnection. It's like, wait a minute, who are we? We're on the the same same team. team. Of Of course, course, in in some some relationships, relationships, I I suppose suppose that that wouldn't wouldn't be be true. true. Like Like when when somebody somebody cuts cuts you you off off on on the the highway, highway, roll you know, roll down down the the window window and and just just be like, like, hey, hey, to to be be clear, clear, we we are are not not on on the same team. And ah this gesture that I just gave you, like that was intentional. So I just wanted to but it's a level set there. Like that was on purpose. this This feels congruent with who I am. Yeah, this feels great. Yeah, this is my authentic self right now. If you're enjoying the Sueno Labs podcast, please take a moment and post this share it with a friend
00:24:13
Speaker
but leave us a review your support keeps new content
00:24:26
Speaker
i'd love if if we could get into a couple more practicals for people listening to this you know we we talked about like how sometimes what difficult is that these situations
00:24:40
Speaker
of the day where we don't necessarily have a lot of time to to really really think think about about and and process. process. And And then then it it all all just just piles piles on on until until the the end end of the day. So even if we think about somebody who is in a job, that's one thing to the next, or maybe they're a stay-at-home parent and it's like constantly doing things for the kids. How do you find that space to go slower through your thoughts and emotions? The million dollar question. Well, if I guess I want to be honest, this question is probably one of the reasons that my profession exists.
The Importance of Self-Care
00:25:18
Speaker
If you think about it, we've commodified quite a bit. And now we've gotten to the point where people are more willing to pay and come talk to me for something that a lot of people would dismiss. A lot of people would say, no one died. Why are you doing that? But somehow that ritual kind of helps enforce them. Think about it this way of having a trainer at a gym versus having the weights at home. Those things that have clothes or towels strung over them that might have been used once or twice. But somehow having the social connection or the other waiting for us is a very powerful motivator to say, I decided to take time for this. I decided to do this. And a lot of my work is that of working with people on prioritizing themselves when we've been told quite often and in very subtle ways that we don't necessarily matter that what we produce matters who we are to others matters but what we are to ourselves is kind of a secondary thought so one version can be therapy another version can be a yoga. Another version can be something that you financially invest into as a way to make the decision for yourself. But say that's not an option. Say that you're a stay-at-home parent or someone that works obscene hours and there just doesn't feel like a moment or a breath. One thing I know in my work that is clear is that kind of like think of it as yourself like a car. If you never take yourself into an oil change, then eventually the engine will fall out. And we are not really much different. We might be able to fool ourselves for a lot longer than we think is possible, but there will eventually come a moment where we break down. And I hope to see people before that, but I do see people before, during, and after. And oftentimes, the people that come to see me before recognize the warning signs and say, if something does not change, something worse will happen.
00:27:45
Speaker
I guess the down and dirty answer is you got to make time somehow, some way, not because it's a luxury, but it's it's a necessity. Sure. It's not necessarily selfish to say, I'm going to take an hour of my week to work on me because think about all of the other people who are affected by that. Think about the people you manage. Think about the friends you have. Think about your partners. Think about your kids. These people are affected by you when you are in a a state of constant anger or frustration, or you're having trouble engaging with them because of all the stuff that's going on so it in that framework if if that's something that someone's worried about of oh you know it it's selfish to focus on me and it's all these other people who are going to benefit and a lot of the times people have to struggle with that with like i do feel like i'm taking from others and uh i have the joy of selling them it's like no no, you're adding tenfold to what you can give to them by pouring into yourself first. So if someone is is unfamiliar with what actually happens in therapy, what is a typical session like? You know, someone's like, okay, I've never done this before, but all right, I'll set aside an hour. I'll come talk to you. Now what?
Demystifying Therapy: Adaptation and Understanding
00:29:06
Speaker
you know do i have Do I have to lie down on a couch? Are you going to ask me about my childhood? you know baby Maybe. Maybe, yeah. Man, that's such a great question. I find myself often, I call it demystifying therapy because the last thing that I want is for someone to take time out of their week and hard-earned money to not know what they're getting in return. Like we go to the gym, we know I'm going to move heavy things and somehow feel better about myself, feel more capable. What a great description of going to the gym. yeah I know. And then we go to therapy and it's like, what's about to happen? And man, I wish I could answer for every therapist out there. I wish that there was a uniform response, but I would say it to this way. The best outcomes come from the people who know what they already want from therapy. They might have even, I would call it a rough draft of what they want, but you can already come in and be willing to say, hey, this is what I need right now and start the conversation because most of modern therapy is about meeting you where you are at, not dictating the terms to you. I get to say, I'm the expert of the space, but you're the expert of your story. I would love to learn more about you and to see how I can help. it's It's an honor and a privilege, but a lot of it depends based on the therapist, based on their principles, but most of them will respond in that way. And what I like to tell people is that, you know, we're just trying on the shoe and seeing if it fits. That no therapist is everyone's therapist. No modality is everyone's modality. And that if you have an idea of what you think that you want, and you sit down with a person and feel genuinely seen and heard and addressed in the ways that you wanted to, that's therapy. But if you feel missed, if you feel like there's a moment that this didn't feel quite right, or I felt awkward in a way that didn't feel helpful, then maybe ask them about it or maybe interview another therapist. There's no hard feelings. It's about what works for you. That makes sense. And I imagine that sometimes even coming with that rough draft could be as simple as I have felt really down lately and I want to feel happier. That might be as far as you've gotten. And a lot of people, I think we talked about this before, they come in the middle of crisis and some crises just happen to us, a car accident, an unexpected death, and we need help to manage how we respond to them. These are understandable. But some have been building for a time, a marriage that's been degrading for 20 years, um a job that you've hated and kind of hated yourself for staying in for many, many years. These are the moments that I guess I want to give people the freedom to ask for help in these moments. That it doesn't break down. That we don't break down. And that you can absolutely ask for help in these moments, even if it doesn't feel like it's the end of the world yet, because you deserve to be heard well before you break down. Yeah, that's beautiful. We use like the car analogy, you know, eventually a car does get to a point where you can't drive it anymore and you have to trade it in. But that that's not, you know, the analogy is imperfect because we don't necessarily get to that point in ourselves where it can't be fixed. I mean, you maybe you disagree with that a little bit, but i'd I like to believe that there is that opportunity in everybody. Absolutely. We always have hope. And the great news about the engine falling out of the car is that we've got another one right over here. The last thing I want to do, though, is have to go through that process if there were warning signs that were obvious that we could
00:33:08
Speaker
kind of a address beforehand say this it was both the heartache but speaking of warning signs and to do this awkward transition off of that so this might be kind of a silly question but maybe it's not because it's something i'm actually curious about we talked a little bit about how we have these emotional experiences throughout the day but we don't necessarily pause long enough to consider them i'm curious if this is potentially what contributes to
00:33:39
Speaker
anxiety dreams that we sometimes have is because it's this latent buildup of what's been going on in the day.
Unpacking Anxiety Dreams
00:33:46
Speaker
I know that it is common for people to have some sort of anxiety dream. Sometimes they are archetypal. I mean, just to give two examples, I somewhat embarrassingly often will have a dream that I'm taking a test that I didn't study for, which kind of makes sense because I was in school for a long time. I was a school teacher for 10 years. So I have a lot of context in my life for that situation. My wife will sometimes have anxiety dreams that she forgot to feed the baby. and She'll tell me about it. You know, like I had this dream, it didn't feed the baby. And, you know, again, that makes sense because we have a baby at home and, you know, it's something she's thinking about a lot. But I'm curious, you know, if if there is maybe sometimes, maybe not always, but is there maybe sometimes a validity to that where it's like, I might wake up and think, oh, that was that was kind of a funny dream. Is it maybe worth saying, why was I so stressed out in my subconscious last night? I would say, again, it's never it never hurts to to listen to yourself. Some of the best moments in therapy have happened when I look at somebody and say, how would you respond to a dear friend if they came to you with this concern? And somehow, some way that kind of tricks ourselves that we can dismiss, we can defame, we can name, we can be quite cruel to ourselves without even meaning to in a way that we can dismiss a lot of our experiences and our lives. But if a friend came to us and said the same concerns, we would be the most attentive. We would be the most concerned and sit with them through the night to understand what was going on. And so I say it would never hurt to listen to yourself the way you would a good friend and see if there's something that's there that, my goodness, if it persists, I wouldn't wish that it on anyone that it does seem like I'm trying to tell me something. William, we've covered a lot of ground here. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about that we haven't had a chance to get to you yet? I would say the only thing I would circle back to is kind of like the misconception that we only need help when it is acute or on the road to acuteness. Man, I'm bleeding out, but it's not too bad. Just a flesh wound. It's just a flesh wound and I can manage. And I guess i'll I'll make this archetypal and say that most of the times I find that um in men, when they come to therapy, it's because most often someone else asked them to. I'm here for my wife. I'm here for my kid. I'm here because someone asked me to care for myself. And I find myself often explaining what therapy is, this this thing that they've kind of dismissed of even talking to themselves and practicing it with another person there feels awkward and forced of like, what are you talking about
00:36:49
Speaker
i this isn't productive and i think that's kind of like what drew me to this podcast i mean we first discussed ah was it struck a chord that man people dreams memory and sleep are one hundred percent impacted by this idea that if it is not productive then i can't do it ah i don't immediately see the impact and that's kind of like saying i don't i won't want to feed myself because i don't immediately feel relieved i don't want to go outside and see the sunshine because I don't really see the vitamin D. like it doesn't It doesn't make sense when we say it like that, but when we talk about listening to ourselves, when we talk about our experience, when we talk about things like sleep, our dreams, our memory that we kind of take for granted because they are kind of a means to an end. I'm tired, therefore I should sleep. I have a fond memory, but maybe not so fond memories. I'll quote one of my old mentors here in saying that therapy or things like it, anything that cares for yourself, even if it doesn't feel ah immediately productive, is one of the best gifts that you can give yourself because you deserve to be heard and you deserve to have a life that you enjoy, not just slog through. That's great. Yeah, I wonder if if somebody is struggling with that, maybe even just reframing what productive is, maybe what maybe what, what productivity is probably the better way to say that, you know, like if somebody is thinking, well, I'm doing this, this many reps at the gym today, because that's what it says on my training schedule. It doesn't, it doesn't always mean that your muscles are going to be bigger, you're going to be stronger. It's just, I get to check that box on the training schedule. So yeah, I wonder even if that helps you just to say, I'm going to have some kind of goal. Like I'm going to, I'm going to go to therapy twice this month and I'm going to ask these questions. And when I do, I get to cross off the list and now, it now it's productive. Now it it has, it fits your model of productivity because now it is a thing you have accomplished and that might help. It might. And And it. I don't think it's ever wrong to explore your options and to see what works for you and what fits into the life that you're building.
Connect with William Middleton
00:39:14
Speaker
Because so often we kind of take it as a given that it's something that we're handed rather than something that we make each day. Well, William, it's been so great talking to you. Where could listeners go to learn more about you, your practice, anything like that? ah I would say if you need help and you're in the East Tennessee area, my practice is called Heart Pine Counseling Center. You can find me there, psychology today. But ah man, if you're across the world, just, just go talk to somebody, go, go find a friend over coffee. um That'll, that'll do me just as much. Good. Well, William Middleton, thank you so much
00:39:55
Speaker
thank you
00:39:58
Speaker
when your labs is a show about sleep memory and dreams. For more content, visit our blog at swinyourlabs.com and connect with us to learn more about how you can share your story related to brain health and the daily habits that help us to rest and live better.
00:40:16
Speaker
thanks for joining we'll be back soon