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WHAT I LEARNED planning my DAD’S FUNERAL… and being executor of his estate.
9 Plays1 month ago
Being thrust into this experience with the unexpected passing of my 80yr old father 2 weeks ago, I dropped off the radar, stopped creating content in service to others and focused majority of my energy on tackling a task I have never undertaken before.
Being given the role of executor of my father’s estate is not something I was prepared for, it required drawing from experiences and knowledge of other areas of life to pull this off.
It is my hope that sharing this with you will serve you if you find yourself in this role.
I can only really speak from my own experience even though other family members were involved, so what I will share will be from my personal experience of the journey of the last 2 weeks, which taught me so much.
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Loss
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Alive by Design podcast. I'm Marini Cole and it's been a couple of weeks since inside last recorded as I was thrust into an experience that was unexpected with my 80 year old father passing away two weeks ago. i dropped off the radar, stopped creating content and service to others and focused majority of my energy on tackling a task I had never undertaken before.
00:00:24
Speaker
Being given the role of executor of my father's estate is not something I was prepared for. It required drawing experiences and knowledge of other areas of life to pull this off.
00:00:35
Speaker
It is my hope that sharing what I learned from organising my father's funeral will serve you if you find yourself in this position too.
Turning Grief into Growth
00:00:43
Speaker
Now I can only speak from my own experience even though other family members were involved so I will share from my personal experience of this journey of the last two weeks which taught me so much.
00:00:57
Speaker
So if this message has found you I hope it serves you in navigating your way through this if this ends up being you too at some point. As a certified sole purpose coach focused on embodiment of who we are here to be in this lifetime, the role we are here to play and how we are here to contribute our unique thread to the collective tapestry, as well as a business owner for over 25 years, coordinating events, managing teams,
00:01:24
Speaker
and working remotely as a part of various teams myself as a freelancer over the last three years. I drew from many of my own experiences and organizational skills in order to get through this extremely challenging time and not lose my center in the process.
00:01:41
Speaker
Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I did get thrown off my centre many times over the last two
Life Path and Leadership
00:01:47
Speaker
weeks. However, I managed to ground myself faster than I had in previous transformational up-leveling experiences and have done a lot of reflecting on this.
00:01:58
Speaker
As well as what I have learned during this experience, both new information and the recognition of skills developed that I now see as true assets.
00:02:12
Speaker
So this is episode 88. um My life path in numerology. Let me share with you a summary of what this is in numerology. A life path number eight signifies a journey focused on achievement, authority and material success.
00:02:28
Speaker
Individuals with this path are often driven, ambitious and possess a natural inclination towards leadership and financial matters. They are also characterised by their strong will, determination, resilience, enabling them to overcome challenges and pursue their goals with focus.
Funeral Planning and Emotional Management
00:02:47
Speaker
Now this sums up beautifully the skills that I drew from throughout the experience of the last fortnight. After dropping out of the content creation world unexpectedly, I felt it was fitting to start a new season for the podcast with this episode.
00:03:03
Speaker
And when I realized that the episode number was 88, that felt like confirmation. Throughout this video I will share with you the key takeaways I took from this experience and I'll share with you my contribution to my dad's eulogy and tribute.
00:03:18
Speaker
Now we held two services on the same day, the first one being an intimate chapel service with close family and friends and then the second one was a celebration of life service held in his local community.
00:03:31
Speaker
We opened this up to his broader network which I'm so glad we did as that experience was truly heartwarming. I will also include in the video version the life sketch slideshow I created for the afternoon service and some photos from our intimate morning service.
00:03:47
Speaker
So the first thing I really want to share with you that I got from this experience was the importance of self-awareness and emotional regulation. Not an expectation of perfection or having it all together, but recognizing what feels aligned with who I am.
00:04:03
Speaker
The objective of this experience being taking care of my dad's final requests, which at times meant setting aside my own emotions and bringing my focus back to the task at hand.
00:04:16
Speaker
As someone who likes to work with the energy of the moon and its cycles, which correlates with the cycle those of us operating in a female body go through emotionally, as a part of our our personal hormonal cycle, I did find the first couple of days disorienting as I crammed the first three phases of the cycle into those first 48 hours.
00:04:39
Speaker
setting an intention, the objective, what type of funeral and service, as well as how as executor of his estate, what needed to take place while I was up in Queensland, setting the intention around that, then brainstorming ideas on how to reach the objective for firstly the funeral as well as ins ensure tasks relating to the estate administration were addressed.
00:05:02
Speaker
researching and reaching out to others for insights, information and support, and laying down the structure to support the objective. Then focusing on fulfilling the objective, completing all the necessary tasks.
Personal Strengths and External Support
00:05:16
Speaker
Self-awareness of where my skills and talents could be best of service to the objective and how and when to engage the skills and talents of others to fill the gap was really important.
00:05:29
Speaker
Having self-awareness around my natural gifts and abilities made it easier to place my energy towards what I know to be my strengths and to outsource that which is not.
00:05:40
Speaker
One of my natural gifts is actually organization and setting up systems and structures to create a framework to work within, which was important for me to be able to manage all the unknowns that I was faced with.
00:05:53
Speaker
I spent the first day or two asking a lot of questions, doing as much research into what was essential and important, what things needed to be done. And this was not easy to do amidst the emotional rollercoaster ride I was being taken on.
00:06:09
Speaker
But for me personally, it was the way I found beneficial to fulfill the objective at hand. Now, interestingly, my personal cycle and that of the moon cycle are in perfect alignment, which helped maintain focus on the objective at hand.
00:06:25
Speaker
And the phase of the cycle that I was in leading up to the funeral was actually the luteal phase. Or in the moon cycle, it's the third quarter and waning moon phase, which is a perfect phase for head down, bum up type of activities, just completing the necessary tasks.
00:06:42
Speaker
And once the funeral was over, the next phase was the new moon cycle, a very reflective phase. And I found this to be quite magical that it all aligned perfectly with what was supportive to get things done.
00:06:55
Speaker
Now, understanding the energetics of these phases of my personal cycle and the moon cycle is something I have found extremely valuable in realizing my objectives in life.
00:07:06
Speaker
And this recent experience, this was amplified. So before becoming an embodiment coach, my focus was on developing self-awareness and structures to support me in reaching my objectives in a way that celebrated my gifts and helped me sustain health and wellbeing.
00:07:25
Speaker
Practicing working with the energetics of the moon cycle helped bring my personal cycle back into balance after years of living out of alignment, operating more in my masculine energy than my feminine.
00:07:38
Speaker
We all have both masculine and feminine energy within us. Finding a healthy balance between the two is what actually supports us in maintaining our center and achieving our goals without sacrificing our health.
Balancing Energies and Seeking Help
00:07:52
Speaker
Now, the experience that I've had over the last three years of becoming a self-employed single mum has really brought focus to the importance of this, But it has also brought to light the importance of asking for and accepting help when something is outside our capacity.
00:08:09
Speaker
As someone who has a 4-6 profile in human design, for those of you who don't know about human design, the 4-6 profile is actually, it translates to being the opportunist role model.
00:08:21
Speaker
The opportunist part being all about focusing on and developing connections with a network of people who can support the objective being fulfilled without that being solely dependent on self.
00:08:35
Speaker
Recognising the gifts in others, not as competition, but complimentary. Now in this recent experience, that was something that was extremely important.
00:08:45
Speaker
Calling upon those in my network who could support me in reaching the objective Now, I had not lived in Queensland for 30 years, so my connections up there are not as strong as they are down here in New South Wales.
00:08:59
Speaker
And the laws being different in Queensland meant it was necessary to draw from the network of those who did have strong connections in that state. That was only one part of the puzzle.
00:09:10
Speaker
The other was receiving physical support. It was my intention to stay at Dad's house when I got up there, but when my sister and I arrived in the house and saw the system he had set up for himself to get through his days, it was hard to see how we could work around his system and set up our own to fulfill the objective without actually destroying his, which we needed to have access to.
00:09:34
Speaker
And especially as my role of executor, I needed to be able to find the necessary paperwork to move on with those necessary tasks later on. So at the last minute, Feeling completely overwhelmed by how to approach this, we accepted the offer of our cousin to stay with him and his family throughout this process, which made such a big difference.
00:09:55
Speaker
They gave us comfortable beds to sleep in, fed us and supported us in ways that they could with their unique gifts and talents.
Grounding Practices and True Self Alignment
00:10:02
Speaker
which was really beautiful to experience but there were many times that I just felt disconnected from the conversations taking place around me in order to be able to focus my energy on fulfilling the objective and I found myself stating that it is not that I am antisocial or a workaholic, I just felt called to fulfill the role the to the best of my ability in a very tight timeframe.
00:10:28
Speaker
Having not had previous experience in this, I really did have to do what felt supportive to getting the job done effectively, which at times was head spinning and overwhelming. And my personal practices to recenter and ground myself were even more important throughout this.
00:10:46
Speaker
While I took my yoga mat with me, there was not really enough space in the room that I was staying in to move through a full practice. I did try. Instead, I used my yoga mat, more like a bolster at the end of the day, lying on top of it with it placed down the length of my spine, opening up my shoulders after hours of sitting at a computer and in a car.
00:11:08
Speaker
As an embodiment coach, my goal is to support you in developing your own self-awareness so you can move through your days, allowing your inner essence to be your outer expression and not get caught up in the expectations of others, but rather operate from a place of connection to the truth of who you are and how you are here to serve.
00:11:30
Speaker
The way to truly live your purpose is being uniquely you, not who you think you should be. And if you would like someone to guide you in this process, reach out for a connection call and let's see what magic we can unveil together.
00:11:43
Speaker
You are here after all to contribute your unique thread to the collective tapestry. You'll find a link in the show notes if this is something you would like support with. And as I continue to share the experience with preparing my father's funeral and even my tribute to you my father, you'll see that this is something that has been ingrained in me and is also something that has been demonstrated to me by him.
00:12:08
Speaker
Now the day before the funeral, I took time out for myself completely. I headed down to the beach with my journal and I sat seaside to write my part of the eulogy and tribute.
00:12:19
Speaker
The clouds gathered overhead and it began to rain. So I retreated to an alfresco cafe to write the rest. And when I placed my order, the lady gave me a table number, which was number 80.
00:12:31
Speaker
Now my father was 80 and I expressed to her how poignant this was as I was there writing the eulogy and tribute. Allowing myself this time to really feel into the feelings both happy and sad was a beautiful way to write these pieces by hand.
00:12:48
Speaker
And then later that night I started typing up my notes. Now I did not complete typing them until the morning of the funeral and practiced reading them to my boys as we drove down to the service together.
00:12:59
Speaker
I cried so much that I struggled to read it and thought I'd cried all the tears I had to cry. But when it came time to read it again in front of our close relatives, more tears continued to flow.
00:13:12
Speaker
We had a live stream in the morning service which the funeral directors took care of so that family members who could not travel there to be with us could still share the experience with us. And it was our intention to live stream the afternoon event via my YouTube channel.
00:13:28
Speaker
However, this did not end up taking place. So I would like to take a moment now to share with you the words that I wrote about my dad. and the influence he had on my life, as it may help to give more context to who I am today and where my values stem from.
00:13:46
Speaker
To give a little more context about my dad, he was only short. He was five foot to be precise, and he was very strong physically, and his energy and laughter filled the room.
00:13:58
Speaker
While I read this out, for those watching the video version, you will see photos from the morning service and a slideshow of his life sketch during the
Father's Legacy and Life Philosophy
00:14:06
Speaker
tribute I read out in the second service.
00:14:09
Speaker
Now let me just open up. the morning service. Now I started by thanking everyone for being with me as I shared my final words to my dad and that in the afternoon service I was going to share more of the influence he had on my life.
00:14:24
Speaker
But for the morning service, I was only sharing a brief message, which I titled Always Prepared. Dad, I was not prepared for this. I hadn't done any research on how to prepare a funeral for a parent passing.
00:14:39
Speaker
Dad always told us to do our research. You being the trailblazer you were, venturing off into the unknown, forging your own path as you went, I shouldn't be surprised that you're leading the way here too.
00:14:52
Speaker
Your organisation and preparation skills were inspiring and your mind was constantly operating in solution mode. Even though it has been two years since we've been in each other's physical presence, we spoke on the phone regularly and from what you shared in those conversations, you were still operating in solution-oriented thinking, which is why it should not have surprised me to discover the system you had set up for yourself at home to maintain your fiercely independent lifestyle.
00:15:23
Speaker
Right up to the very end. I wonder though if you too were not fully prepared for this. Maybe you were starting to towards the end. I guess we'll never know. For so long, you spoke about living to 100 and your physical health made me believe you just may reach your goal.
00:15:41
Speaker
But in the end, I'm glad you left this lifetime. Having lived your life to the full on your terms and left behind a legacy of not letting your perceived limitations hold you back from realising your dreams, you certainly have demonstrated that in so many ways And for that, I am truly grateful as you also planted that seed within me.
00:16:04
Speaker
Thank you, dad, for your love, support and guidance. While I would not exactly describe you as patient and tolerant, you were certainly operating from a place of deep love.
00:16:15
Speaker
a love for your family, your community, and a love for for what the wonders of this world had to offer you. Rest now, Dad, knowing that you did what you came here to do. You left your legacy in all those you touched with your infectious laughter and big heart.
00:16:32
Speaker
I love you, Dad.
00:16:35
Speaker
and Then for the afternoon tribute, which was a little bit more lighthearted, we really wanted the second service to be a celebration of life and to give people a bigger picture of who this little man was.
00:16:48
Speaker
So again, I thanked everyone for being there with us and share some of the ways that my dad impacted and influenced me. Daddy's little tomboy. While he enjoyed the fact I loved to dig in the dirt alongside of him, he still insisted I change from wearing my jeans and put on a dress.
00:17:06
Speaker
Growing up in multicultural Melbourne 50 years ago now, it was funny to note that families like ours were considered weird back then. Homesteading and self-sufficiency was not much of a trend in the mainstream back then, but it was a big part of how we lived.
00:17:23
Speaker
Foraging for wild food, taking advantage of any fruiting tree roadside or edible leaf growing in a creek, Dad loved to take us on drives through the countryside. So many fond memories winding through windy mountainscapes, spotting babbling brooks to check if there was wild watercress growing there.
00:17:42
Speaker
Not only did we eat what we found growing wild, we also had a wildly productive vegetable garden that filled our entire backyard, right up to the edge of the little paved path leading to the clothesline, which was often surrounded by sprawling pumpkin vines.
00:18:00
Speaker
Dad loved to spread chook manure across the garden and even though we had chickens of our own, they did not produce enough poop for our garden so we would drive out to the poultry farm to shovel and bring back trailer loads.
00:18:14
Speaker
Growing food and raising meat was only half the fun. The other half was sharing the harvest, meals with family and friends. I especially loved the Sunday mornings that we headed down to the boulangerie, the French bakery to buy freshly baked French sticks.
00:18:31
Speaker
While we waited, Mauritians from the region gathered out front chatting and cackling, updating each other on the happenings of the week before heading home to cook up a feast. ah Early morning trips to the fish markets in the city to purchase a whole blue eye cod and more were some of the most memorable foodie related adventures.
00:18:51
Speaker
Food was always important to dad, especially the quality and taste. Even though he was fixed in his ways when it came to cooking, almost everything seasoned with allspice.
00:19:02
Speaker
Not the pimento berry, but the spice mix blend of ground cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg. But he did love to experience new flavours and dishes he'd not had before, even if he stuck to cooking what he knew best.
00:19:17
Speaker
This was a man who only completed schooling up to grade six, after which he left home, got a job working for a cobbler, making patterns for shoes. He understood the value of quality crafted goods,
00:19:30
Speaker
Quality over quantity was an underlying ethos he lived by. The memory of driving across to the other side of the city to collect two pairs of shoes he had ordered made to measure to his specifications is one I have treasured.
00:19:45
Speaker
Seeing the look on his face when he had those shoes in his possession the joy they gave him every time he wore them. The design was the same for both, but one was black, the other brown.
00:19:57
Speaker
Those shoes appeared to be his most treasured possessions. He polished them weekly and any time in between that they needed. Polishing his shoes even became one of my chores.
00:20:09
Speaker
He bought those shoes at least 40 years ago. When we went back to select items for his outfit, the black pair were still in the bottom of his wardrobe, a little dusty but in pristine condition otherwise.
00:20:22
Speaker
So it was only fitting we sent him off with those shoes on his feet. I had no idea exactly how much those shoes cost him, but they were definitely an investment.
00:20:33
Speaker
That appreciation of quality over quantity, he also passed on to me. While I did not become a shoemaker, my love of handcrafted has been ah big part of my professional practice.
00:20:45
Speaker
Another part that I attribute to my dad is my love of photography and road tripping. He travelled throughout the countryside installing alarm systems in banks and was captivated by the expansive landscape and all the sheep, which led him to buy an SLR camera and capture and print wads of photos.
00:21:05
Speaker
As soon as my little hands could hold that camera, I too was infected with a shutterbug, starting my first business in my early 20s as a portrait photographer using that very camera.
00:21:17
Speaker
I did eventually trade it in to buy my first digital SLR with his blessing. He was so supportive of me pursuing my creative professional career, especially since he always pursued his own dreams, grasping opportunities to learn, grow and expand.
00:21:35
Speaker
While he may have only completed grade six in terms of formal education, his education did not stop there. He perfected his handwriting, loved to read and eventually took a real estate exam and became a real estate agent in the Moreton Bay area.
00:21:52
Speaker
He demonstrated that we are only limited by the limitations we impose on ourselves. By society's standards, he had no official qualifications, but in my eyes, he was a man who didn't let societal norms limit him in turning his dreams into reality and reaching his next goal.
00:22:10
Speaker
The one goal he never quite reached was winning the millions in the lottery. He played Lotto weekly for as long as I can remember. For him, winning was not about what he wanted for himself.
00:22:21
Speaker
It was about providing for his loved ones. What he didn't realise is he'd already provided us with prosperity in so many other ways than just money. With a focus on experiences, quality and connection, his focus was not on acquiring material wealth or keeping up with the latest trend.
00:22:41
Speaker
He placed more value in staying connected with those he connected with and those he loved, both family and friends.
Final Reflections and Joyful Adaptability
00:22:49
Speaker
Don't get me wrong, it was not all rainbows and unicorns being his daughter.
00:22:53
Speaker
He was a stubborn, set-in-his-ways man who often expressed he couldn't understand why others didn't do things the way he did. He could never understand why I was preparing dinner for the family when he had already eaten his.
00:23:06
Speaker
When my family and I moved from the Central Coast to the Yass Valley, we asked him to come with us. But he decided to move back to Queensland instead. The great distance between us made it difficult to maintain physical contact.
00:23:20
Speaker
But he loved his Sunshine State lifestyle, even if he hated being outside in the sun, which is why he was so happy to find Caboolture Seniors Club. And the fact they offered indoor lawn bowls was an added bonus.
00:23:35
Speaker
I'm ever so grateful to the members of his club and his physical neighbours who engaged with him beyond a wave. He loved his community up in Queensland, right up until his final days.
00:23:47
Speaker
His fiercely independent ways made him create systems to support him in doing what he needed to, to sustain health and wellbeing. Years ago, I sent him a book called The Memory Code, and I was pleased to discover notes and marks within the pages indicating he had been using it.
00:24:05
Speaker
While I couldn't be nearby to monitor his progress in his sunset years and have been so happy to hear the surprise expressed when people discovered his age, Dad was so proud about maintaining his youth that he introduced me to people as his 12-year-old daughter right up until I was 21 years old.
00:24:24
Speaker
While I have no shame around expressing my age, I do attribute my desire to maintain physical health and a youthful approach to living directly to him and the example he set.
00:24:37
Speaker
Approaching things with childlike wonder and curiosity, always being willing to learn, grow and expand skills, knowledge and current findings. There is so much more I could share about the impact Dad had on who I am today.
00:24:52
Speaker
But to do so would require writing a memoir. So in order to keep this a reasonable length, I'll end by saying this is not goodbye, Dad. This is a tribute to you and the influence you have had on me.
00:25:06
Speaker
Your legacy lives on in me, my sister Josie and our children and everyone you touched with your infectious laughter and big hearts. Now, later on in the service, we said a thank you to everybody. And since my father loved to dance, I ended with inviting everyone to take the opportunity to dance Sega, which was fitting considering he loved to dance and took any opportunity he could to do so.
00:25:34
Speaker
So won't be playing Sega here today, but if you are curious about what Mauritian Sega sounds like, I will add a link. Actually, I'll add a link in the show notes for Mauritian Sega, which we played.
00:25:46
Speaker
So going back to what I learned from this whole experience, some of the final things I wanted to share with you of what I learned from this experience was that being adaptable and being willing to let go of how things should be, especially when they don't work out exactly how you'd like them to.
00:26:06
Speaker
Having a plan though is valuable for setting a container, for creativity to flow within those boundaries. Which brings me back to the balance of masculine and feminine energy. That was really one of the big insights I got from this experience.
00:26:21
Speaker
And also remembering our humanity. No one is perfect. No one is right. No one is wrong. We are all different. Being open to seeing things from another perspective, even if it doesn't match our own, but respecting that we all have our own unique thread to contribute to the collective tapestry.
00:26:40
Speaker
And on that note, celebrating the beauty of what was, rather than focusing on how things could have been different. Now, this point is not so much in reference to the preparation for the funeral, but more what some people kept telling me that...
00:26:55
Speaker
Dad should have done differently, the medication he should have been on and the way he should have lived. Now in my eyes, he lived in a way that aligned with his values. He was fiercely independent. He loved with all of his heart and he loved with all of his might.
00:27:10
Speaker
And I don't believe he should have done anything different. He was true to himself and he touched the lives of many through being uniquely himself. And it's my hope that in sharing my experience and some of the learnings from this will actually serve you in some way. If not immediately, then perhaps the seeds are now planted that will germinate when the timing is right for you.
00:27:33
Speaker
Remember, if you would like support in living your life by design so you can move through your days, allowing your inner essence to be your outer expression, reach out for a connection call.
00:27:45
Speaker
I would love to work with you and support you in thriving too. Now I wish you a magical day and I look forward to seeing you here again. By all means leave a comment and let me know if there was anything that I shared about this experience that touched you or resonated with you.
00:28:02
Speaker
I got a lot of feedback from the people who were at the service after reading out my tribute to dad. ah Sharing our stories and insights and learnings I believe is really powerful and helpful and so i'd love to hear from you and I look forward to seeing you here again soon.