New Moon

Transcript

Speaker: So I went to the Music Box of Horror this past weekend. Oh my God, that was this the weekend? Yes, it was. Oh my God. Tell me, what were the movies? How was it? How how did you have fun? It was great. Did not stay the whole 24 hours this year. Unlike last year.

Speaker: Yeah. um that you know That is a feat. The madness sets in at about, you know, three or four o'clock in the morning. And it's... It becomes a kind of torture. Like I, there were two movies left.

Speaker: I did want to see them. They were two things I hadn't seen. Okay. And I, and Gia and Mars were like, Hey, we're going to go. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go. yeah So Caitlin and Luke stayed the whole 24 hours again, like every year. right Crazy. i It's absolutely insane.

Speaker: Yeah, I wonder if Luke had been there, because Luke didn't go last year. If he had been there last year, I wonder if I would have left early, because part of it was I didn't want to leave Caitlin alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you had like... a The whole 24 hours. But...

Speaker: But yeah, so we... It was Suspiria, which was amazing. Oh, the like original? Yeah, and it was from it was from an ib um Technicolor print, which is this very special, rare kind of color print that doesn't fade. So the colors are all very vivid, which is what you want in Suspiria because that's a movie about color.

Speaker: Exactly. um It was beautiful. There was um Misery, which is masterpiece. Oh, yeah. Classic. Stephen King masterpiece.

Speaker: There was a very upsetting movie called i Saw the Devil, which is this... Korean serial killer movie about this guy who like finds the guy who killed his fiance and he starts like torturing him.

Speaker: Like oh he fucks him up and then he releases him and then he finds him again and then he releases him and like it's, it's really upsetting. Yeah. It kind of reminded me of like a, like a more edgy kind of memories of murder. Have you seen memories of murder? No, I've never seen memories of murder.

Speaker: It's yeah, it's great. It's a Bong Joon-ho movie. The are the parasite and the host and all that. It's yeah, it's really good. It's about, it's based based on the true story of the serial killer in Korea. And it is, it's about like police ineptitude. It's kind of like the movie. It's, it was made before Zodiac, but it's Zodiac definitely was inspired by this movie. all yeah It's very much that sort of thing.

Speaker: Yeah. Do you think that that serial killer and the Zodiac killer are the same? Probably not. That would be difficult. Well, they did catch the guy eventually and from from Korea. I mean, it was after this movie came out.

Speaker: Yeah, but like they haven't caught the Zodiac Killer. That's It would be weird if it was this Korean guy because he would have been like 11 or so when he was doing the Zodiac killing. And there was some fun silent stuff. It was a Buster Keaton haunted house movie, which is fun. Oh, cute.

Speaker: yeah it was Yeah, it's a blast. It always is. um I got this. me show you. Oh my God, it's the thing. It's a poster of the thing. that's so good.

Speaker: It's a shadow box. Yeah. see That's so cool. It's reflecting a lot of the screen, but yeah, that's so cool. That was the Tales from the Crypt comic.

Speaker: Yeah. So that's so cool. That's so cute. Oh, very exciting. Well, it sounds like you had like a very fun weekend. Yeah. Yeah. And I went, we let went left to like 830 in the morning, got home. Yeah. Slept until about two. Yeah. And had a real short day. Yeah. Went to bed and like, i thought i was going to have to like take a Benadryl or something to get to sleep that night, but nope.

Speaker: Yeah. Slept like nine hours that night too. was just. Hey. Yeah. Bada bing, bada boom. Boom, boom, boom. Definitely recommend the Music Box of Horror to anybody in Chicago you buy the tickets in the six minutes before they sell out.

Speaker: Yeah, exactly. There was a thing like Block Club posted this thing and it was like, everybody get your tickets the Music Box of Horror this weekend. Music Box was like, hey, this sold out in May. Yeah, there are no tickets left. You shouldn't promoting it. Stop promoting it it. Well, it didn't used to be like that. It didn't used to be like that at all. Like...

Speaker: Caitlin and Luke got there at, they decided to go early to try to get a better place in line. Cause last year we got there at like 11 when the doors open and the line was yeah around the block and then down a block as well. Jesus. corner Which is just crazy. And we did manage to get decent seats last year too, but we got, so they got there 10 and then and Gia and Mars got there like 10, 15, 10, 20, maybe.

Speaker: here And they were still around the block. Like, it wasn't as far as last time. And then when I went up to, like, scan our tickets in, I asked some of the people that were closer, I was like, what time did you get here? And they were like, eight.

Speaker: was like. Jesus. But, like, the thing is, is that they can't fit everybody in that theater. They can. It's an eight. it's There's 800 people. It fits in the theater. Oh. Okay. it's a huge theater. Yeah. um Yeah. it It sold out in six minutes, they said.

Speaker: That's insane. And I know, like, one of these years, like, I'm not going to get tickets. and it's gonna thats and be really sad yeah yeah because they blew up on tiktok a couple years ago or something and now like and everybody's obsessed with it like yeah i mean it's a good time it's a really good time it's super fun yeah um we really enjoyed it when we went a few years ago and i would love to go again um if i play my cards right and plan maybe next year ah You got plan like six months in advance. is Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Goodness gracious. furniture says he's coming next year. Oh, fun. Yeah. So then everybody should just go to the the Music Box of Horrors if you're in Chicago or don't and let us get the tickets. Yeah, don't go, actually. I don't recommend yeah don't go

Speaker: Don't go. I want the whole theater to myself. Um, so yeah, this episode is going to come out, uh, November 7th, I think. Yeah. Fully, fully outside of spooky season. Exactly. Exactly. But you know, um, that's right guys. Um, scary, popular things are popular. gary It's scary. How bad it is. how about that? Scary popular things famously featured in today's film. It might spooky season, but it is.

Speaker: is. Ho, ho, ho, ho, season. That's right. Blew out the mic.

Speaker: You guessed it. Look at your waveform on the bottom compared to mine.

Speaker: I mean, I can't help it. I went to school to learn to project. So did I. You're projecting to the back of the room. I project in everyday life. um There was, we do these little like questions and then on the whiteboard at the bridal store. And the latest one was like, who would survive in a scary movie? And some people voted for me and I was like, guys, I'm way too loud. I'm too loud. I'm too loud. I would die. They would know exactly where I am.

Speaker: um uh future past and future guest madison smith had a surprise party that she found out about and then decided to make it a surprise party for her fiance nick and so it was a double surprise party and i ruined it three blocks away one they were three blocks away it i was in the apartment and madison could hear me yeah i was there for that that was yeah it was very loud Charlie reminds me of it every year.

Speaker: Wow. Yeah. i don't know if that's necessary. Guys named Charlie who are big bummers famously featured in today's film. I won't think that he's a bummer at all. Charlie Swan, I should say. Charlie Swan. Charlie Swan.

Speaker: Charlie Swan, not a bummer. Charlie Blunt. I mean, jury's still out. Jury's still out on that one. um But yeah, you guessed it, guys. This is the podcast where Emma and Katie, we're conjoined twins in this. um we ah We have a really hot boyfriend. No, no, no, no, no. You can be her. I don't want to be her. I'll be Anna Kendrick.

Speaker: Anna Kendrick. Emma has a really hot boyfriend who's just so mysterious and everyone's so jealous and she's just like living her best life but like she's turning 18 and she's like a little bit self-conscious about aging. Not what this movie's about. Continue. and And, um you know, he his family throws her a surprise birthday party. And um it should be said, we all know that they're vampires. And I get a paper cut and then things go awry.

Speaker: Things go crazy. People go feral. And there's a whole discussion about souls. And do you have a soul if you're a vampire? and um anyways, long story short, he breaks up with us because we're too much of a liability and ah leaves us in the woods in the most distressing manner.

Speaker: So then we're super depressed and have PTSD nightmares and slowly work on our friendship with our super hot friend, Jacob, who's just like wants to take care of us. He's so ripped and he just really cares genuinely and like just wants the best for us and never says any red flag things unlike our ex did. He definitely says some red flag things.

Speaker: But like, we can't get over our ex. And so we- Again, you. I'm Anna Kendrick. We're not- It's not me. But then Emma and Katie go to the movies one day. And as they're leaving, um Emma sees a bunch of bikers. And she's like, oh, what if I try? The one thing my ex wanted me to do was not be reckless. So you know what I'm going to Fuck him. going be reckless.

Speaker: And Anna Contrarch is very, Katie is very disturbed by this. Just trying to help her friend who hasn't spoken to me in months because if there's not a man around, she's not interested. Exactly. Exactly.

Speaker: Red flag. Just the worst. It's yeah the worst people in the world being obnoxious. That's what this movie is. ah But anyways, long story short, then Jacob starts ghosting me and I'm like, well, this is PTSD of what just happened. And then um turns out he's a werewolf. And then blah blah, blah, blah, blah. We try to jump off a cliff and our ex...

Speaker: thinks that because they also have magical powers that we killed ourselves, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. There's also the redhead from the first movie there, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah Our ex comes back and you're like, come on, what? And he and then you have to go to, I have to go to Italy to save him because he's going to like, because he thinks I'm dead. So he's going to commit suicide by releasing himself to the world. And there's also- this italian like um like the voltori who's like this evil organization in charge of all vampires blah blah blah blah blah anyways it doesn't end the way that oh gee emma wanted it to end because we end up back with edward that's right guys you guessed it i'm emma

Speaker: long. So long. Well, this movie has a lot of plot points. I can't help it. It has no plot points. That's the thing about this movie. Like, this movie is interminably long, and yet somehow nothing happens at all. It's insane.

Speaker: How could you say nothing happens at all? So much happens. We're goingnna we're going to get into it. um New Moon, directed by Chris Weitz, who is famous for American Pie. Mm-mm.

Speaker: So Chris and Paul, Chris and Paul Weitz, Chris was not credited as director of the movie, but he is a producer and ah Paul Weitz directed American Pie, but Chris was heavily involved.

Speaker: And ah Chris Weitz went on to direct about a boy, which is a great movie. Oh yeah, that's so great. So cute. And he directed The Golden Compass, which is terrible, but I, he says it's not his fault, which I believe him.

Speaker: And many, and many other things. He's got a real strange career. Yeah. He came into this movie super late. ah Catherine Hardwick was going to direct it again. And they told her you have 11 months to make this movie. And then she's like, I don't want to do that.

Speaker: And they're like, okay, we'll find somebody else. And so Chris Weitz came in. i I remember I listened to, he was on a podcast I listened to and they asked they asked him about this. It wasn't about this movie, but it was ah he meant he did talk about it i don't remember how long it was, but it was not very long to make this movie. Yeah. Yeah. Why, why can't you get it done in 11 months?

Speaker: You can tell because no movie can turn around that fast. That's very rare. In 11 months. Yeah. Yeah. To make a movie. Yeah.

Speaker: are Are we talking about like shoot dates? No, no, no. Release. Like the release date was 11 months. Oh, okay. Yeah. For all the CGI and stuff that's in this, that's crazy short. yeah what what do you What's CGI? There's no CGI in this.

Speaker: um This movie also is written by Melissa Rosenberg, who wrote, as mainly TV credits, she wrote a couple episodes of The O.C. she wrote or She wrote all the Twilight movies. She wrote for Dexter and Jessica Jones and The Morning Show. And the one thing that all those things have in common is that they are poorly written.

Speaker: You know? i have to blame a lot of this. On Melissa Rosenberg because, listen, there's good there's good things in all those shows, but yeah overall, I think they're all pretty sloppily written. You don't like to hate on women on this podcast. i don't think I don't think that she's the showrunner on any of those except for Jessica Jones.

Speaker: But man, those are some, that's some rough stuff to to be on your resume, in my opinion. i mean, in my opinion, i feel like she got better for this movie. Like the writing in this movie is so much better than the writing in Twilight.

Speaker: I don't remember. Again, i haven't, I've seen Twilight twice. I yeah watched it for the second time for last year. i haven't seen it since last year. This was the first time I saw this movie. um I feel like this movie is worse than Twilight.

Speaker: Come on! No, it's not! But a lot of that, I think, is the book. Because the thing, at least in Twilight, like, things happen. There's conflict and, like, rising action and climaxes in Twilight.

Speaker: And this movie has none of that. There is so much conflict. What's the climax of this movie, Emma? Oh. The climax, which one?

Speaker: but i can't name any. ah The climax of this movie is when Bella finds out that um Jacob's a werewolf. Also, when she becomes an adrenaline junkie. Also, she...

Speaker: So when she saves, when she saves Edward. that's the That's the best argument. That's the best argument is when she saves Edward. But like she hadn't even seen him in months. Like there's so like, it's, oh man. this I know, which is, I mean. i I feel bad for Melissa Rosenberg for having to adapt this trash because that is exactly, this is such filler garbage. Like, again, I haven't read the book. i haven't read the book. But based on my understanding of this story,

Speaker: Uh-huh. Like, there you could have skipped everything that happened in this. Everything, except for Jacob being a werewolf, everything ends up in the status quo that happened at the end of the last movie. Like, it's... No, because we learned that Victoria's getting a little bit closer. a little bit closer. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, like you think she's gonna attack or something and like, yeah they they she doesn't. Like she jumps into the water and then that's the last we see of her. I mean, in in regards to Bella and Edward's relationship, this movie and this book changes nothing, which is why i loved it by itself, because I loved her relationship with Jacob. I thought he was a much better character than Edward. um And I continue to think that. um So you're a team Jacob Gurley. Yeah.

Speaker: I'm a team. I was a team Jacob Gurley. He's a little problematic as the story goes on. um I think that now in my elder age, honestly, I'm a team Alice. I think that Bella and Alice have the most chemistry. They're way more connected. They should have just gotten together and called it a day.

Speaker: There's two likable characters in these movies for me. And they are Alice yeah and Anna Kendrick. Those are the only characters I like. They're the only characters i can I could stand being in a room with. Everybody else is a loud asshole or an emo piece of shit. Like Robert Pattinson.

Speaker: We all know that Robert Pattinson is a great actor. Have you seen Primetime? No, not yet. Is it good? prime It's great. Primetime is great. yeah I think he's going to get an Oscar nomination. I hope he wins. Yeah. He is great. He's a great actor. We love Robert Pattinson. He is...

Speaker: asleep in this movie like he is counting the money in his paycheck on screen he's not in this a whole bunch because it's not edward's story he's not even making eye contact with her in a lot of these scenes and i'm not talking about like like like one shot i'm talking about like they're looking she's in the scene with him this is a two shot and he's not even looking at her and i suppose subtext I found the subtext to be lacking in the extreme.

Speaker: yes He is counting like, okay, so i have I have like six more hours today. And then the next day, like I've got to work like 15 hours. And then like, I'm going to get paid like $6 million dollars for this. And that's going to pay for this and this.

Speaker: That is what he's doing on screen in every scene. No, what he's doing is going, I'm so conflicted because I love Bella, but I'm the worst thing to happen to her. And I don't want to turn her into a vampire because- it would take away her soul. I understand that that is what the character is supposed to be feeling. And I don't buy him doing that in this movie. I think he is really bad in this movie, and but I can't blame him because he's probably mad that he's stuck doing this shit. Like, well, he's got three more movies.

Speaker: Man, i' I'm glad we're spacing these out for a year. i would not want to watch these back to back. This is, it's rough fucking stuff. Like, I turned... Honestly, still my favorite.

Speaker: I mean, this is going to be play of three. Yeah, this one's my favorite. That's wild. This one's my favorite. It's my favorite book. It's my favorite movie. i There's three more that I haven't seen. so it's definitely possible this could be the second best.

Speaker: Again, and if I watch Twilight again, here's other thing. This movie looks a lot better than the first one. Yes, it does. Like this movie I feel like maybe better directed than the first one. Agreed. And better shot. Yes.

Speaker: It is, there's color in this. It's not all washed out. Yeah. It looks like beautiful, you know, Pacific Northwest. I don't remember what I said about how the first one looked in the last episode that we did on this. Maybe I thought it was pretty easy too.

Speaker: I probably. I'm pretty sure you said looked like garbage. I remember the last one being a lot more like color muted than this. Like it was intentionally washed out. Like it's supposed to be like you know, pale like a vampire or something. But yeah um this one looks a lot better. There's a lot more color in this, even yeah before they go to Italy. Yeah, which is the first of Emma's fun facts, Emma's fun facts. So um you will note if as you're watching the movie that there is a lack of the color red until they get to Italy.

Speaker: ah Do you think that red might be a symbol for evil? i It was very subtle. Yeah. It's super subtle. It's also what the color of blood is. um

Speaker: There's an evil redhead and then there's red robes around the people in Italy and the vampires have red eyes. Yeah, because if we remember from the first time, the reason that they have red eyes and the Cullens have honey, honey colored eyes is because of their diet. Their diet appears in their eyes. So if you drink blood, your eyes are red. If you drink animal blood, your eyes are honey all right we need to get a... Okay, so listen. We've had a couple comments on Spotify. I've responded to them. Okay. people are listening. If you are a hematologist, please let us know about ah blood and how that would reflect in the eyes. Yeah, exactly. Tell us about the science behind it.

Speaker: My eyes are green because I'm a vegetarian. I mean, that tracks. My eyes are green because

Speaker: I love green. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's what makes good what's but that's what colors your eyes. It's yeah you what you eat and what you like. And what you like.

Speaker: So if you' if your eyes are brown, you like shit. Yeah, exactly. You eat shit. So sorry, but like facts are facts. We're not eye scientists, nor are we blood doctors. That's not um We love our brown eyed listeners. We do.

Speaker: Statistically, most people have brown eyes. Exactly. Exactly. Anyways, hard cut in two. We open up Pacific Northwest. It's Forks, Washington, baby. you guessed it.

Speaker: I don't think that is where we open up. We open up in Italy. Oh, of course. Sorry. Oh, yeah, because we have to do the her running through the fountain and then flashback because we have to like bookend it. quote She quotes Romeo and Juliet. She yeah says these violent delights have violent ends, et cetera, et cetera, however the rest of that goes.

Speaker: Yep. And there's a red robed figure and then a field of flowers and it's a yeah dream. Oh, no, we do start in four. You're right. We have this this dream first. I thought we did the, um or was it, it doesn't fucking matter. It's Italy. It's Italy first. There's the red road. italy first And then it goes to her dream where she thinks that she seems her grandma. And she's like, Oh my God. Hi Nana. What's going on? She's in this field, which in the books, the meadow is a huge thing. And it becomes a bigger part of like her, of the third book as well. Like the meadow is like their space. um Is that where they played baseball? Yeah.

Speaker: No, that's different. The meadow, the meadow is, it's just the meadow. um it's, it's different. Uh, and, and so she thinks that she sees her grandma across the the field. And so she's like, hi grandma, what you doing? Hey, old crone, come over here. old crone and old crone comes in and then um and then out comes edward and she goes oh no wait stop my grandma's gonna see you and he doesn't care he is like shirtless for whatever he's all glittery yeah exactly because remember their skin are like diamonds that's why they sparkle oh man it's it's so stupid like i like some stupid shit like don't get me wrong uh yeah

Speaker: But it happens this is brain dead stuff. Oh my God. this is real bad. Can I tell you about the book that my book club and I are reading right now? Please do. Please do.

Speaker: It's, um well, obviously we're doing the next ACOTO, ACOTOSH or whatever, but we're also, because we, or regardless of book club or not, we're going to read that. So we thought we would add in a fun little mini book as well. So we're going to do two books in one month. um And it is called Pounded by Produce.

Speaker: Oh, is it Chuck Tingle? Is it Chuck Tingle? No, it's not Chuck Tingle. It is a VeggieTales erotic thriller.

Speaker: okay. Boy, I bet VeggieTales doesn't like that at all. No, they don't. No, they don't. Very Christian organization. oh yeah. Here it comes up right now. Yep. Pounded by Produce by Fairy. Okay. Yeah.

Speaker: who also wrote Get in My Swamp. Is that a Shrek one? I think so. And there's a sequel called Stay in My Swamp, which i we have to do for a book club.

Speaker: But here's a spoiler for Pounded by Produce. They reference produce by name so many times in this fucking book that you're just like, nobody uses the word produce this much in and a natural sentence. They go, and who knew that I could become produce? I was walking along and I went into the kitchen and I saw all the produce. I just needed to grab some produce for the salad.

Speaker: just nobody uses produce this many times in this many ways. Um, but so far my favorite line was I'm a fucking cucumber. wow So they get turned into produce.

Speaker: By an old hag, which is what made me think of an old crone. Yeah. m fairy Yeah. That's interesting. Okay. I'm just going to close that one. Yeah. yeah Um,

Speaker: So anyways, we're in this meadow and we're like, no, stop. Grandma's going to see you. And grandma sees Edward and she's a little bit closer and nothing's happening. She's not reacting. And then Bella realizes, oh my God, this is a mirror reflection. And there's no reflection of Edward. And oh my God, that's me. And then he turns to her and she's all of a sudden super old and she's her grandma. And he kisses her on the head and goes, happy birthday, Bella. And she wakes up in a cold sweat.

Speaker: Yeah. She has anxiety that she's going to get old and ah he's not, which is the classic in love with the vampire thing. it's... yeah

Speaker: it's kind of problematic in this because she's obsessed with him not loving her anymore when she gets old. Yeah. Which is like such a sexist kind of trope to immediately embrace and take so seriously throughout all of this. It's just like, everybody gets old.

Speaker: Yeah. And I'll tell ya, like plenty of of men and not men lose interest in people once they get old, even if they're also old. So that has, that's something that we don't need to be instilling in young women reading these books. like yeah Everything in this book is just like, why are you teaching little girls this? This is so bad. Yeah.

Speaker: Like Stephanie Meyer, the damage Stephanie Meyer did to a generation of young women. It's crazy. don't know what you're talking about. I definitely don't have any sort of like fears of getting old. I have a lot of fear of getting old. Yeah. I have a lot of fear because I'm worried that my vampire boyfriend won't love me anymore.

Speaker: Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, it's like all these like 25 year olds that have like full sets of veneers. They have had like buckle fat removal. They've had the blepharplasties. They're getting like everything. And they're like, they're not even 30. Absolutely insane. It's crazy.

Speaker: And then they look like, they look they look old as shit because they've had all this plastic surgery done. Like, my God, it's so it's so depressing. Yeah. And it's all thanks to Stephanie Meyer. Yeah.

Speaker: I mean, i think that, honestly, she played a role. I'm not going to like it's that society's youth obsession and it can squarely be laid on the shoulders of Twilight. That would be a reach. But I feel like it's definitely not helping anything.

Speaker: no absolutely not and then and charlie her dad comes in and he's like he gives her a birthday present from he is trying so hard he's trying real charlie i feel so bad for charlie okay so three characters that are like i mean you he's a cop so we can't like him too much there's only so many jobs you can have in forks washington better than cop what's he gonna be a fisherman i mean He clearly wants to do that. He goes fishing Graham Greene for seemingly weeks at the time. oh yeah Who knows what they're doing out there? Yeah. i mean no well

Speaker: I want to like him, but he is a cop, so we're not going to count him. There's only two characters, and it's Alice and Anna Kendrick, whose whose character name I believe is Anna Kendrick. I mean, and let's be real here, though. In this movie, he does less copping.

Speaker: He does. I mean, they are searching for the beast, but that seems to be more of a vigilante kind of thing. Yeah, it seems like that's like a community thing because every there's like so many civilians that are just also with guns walking around.

Speaker: So just like in the first movie, there's a bunch of murders happening by animals. Like yeah it seems like Forks is a dangerous place to live, y'all. the pacific northwest there's so many bears how many months have passed between book one and book two because book one it was like the prom right so yeah it was like april or may and now the plummer it's uh the first day of school yeah this is the beginning of school because i got wrapped around the axle on timelines last night when i was watching it because i was like it' her wait because it's her birthday her birthday's in september birthday's september 13th and like we can look that up yeah at her birthday is september 13th But then Edward breaks up with her before the fall.

Speaker: And then she's in a um depression coma all the way through February, because at one point you see something and she's there's like a calendar and it says February. um And and then it's like not snow anymore. And she's like hanging out with Jacob. So you have to assume it's like March, April. But then she doesn't graduate until the end of this of the third book slash movie. So it's like,

Speaker: So time is super compressed and it clicks. How? Yeah, I guess. But like she during this whole time in like April, because like what school year goes to like June and at some point she takes a week out of it and goes to Italy. So what's weird is like there is like at one point it says like November across the screen yeah and we realize that a couple of months have passed and then never again do they do that. It's just a one and done.

Speaker: They did it for December. Oh, did they? Okay, okay. Yeah, because it's December. may have looked at my phone a couple times during this. Uh-huh. During the best sequence of the entire movie, which is her depression, like, spin around while, like, indie emo music is playing. Like, also, the soundtrack for this movie also slaps.

Speaker: yeah Yeah. The soundtrack is great. I will give you that the soundtrack is good. The soundtrack in all the movies is good. Yes. Like they, you know, Summit Entertainment was on their shit for like, okay, we have to remember when movies had soundtracks. I know, right? I love soundtracks. Is that the Hunger Games, not the Hunger Games, is Twilight. The Hunger Games did too, actually. The Hunger Games is after Twilight. So the Hunger Games is what I meant. Is the Hunger Games the last series to like care about the soundtrack? Yeah.

Speaker: Like what movie, what big movies have come out since then that have you had a soundtrack to to speak of? Because when we were kids, like the soundtrack was huge. The soundtrack was a huge part of the marketing of the movie. Yeah. it would go on TRL.

Speaker: They would do their whole thing. Hey, do you know about this new dropout show? No. What's the new dropout show? So it's called MP3 and it's a parody of TRL hosted by Jeremy Culhane.

Speaker: Okay. Okay. And they have fake bands who a bunch of the people are going to be as the fake bands who come on. And it's all like, it looks, it looks, it looks fun. It it comes out in like a week. it's oh my god i love it It's a very niche thing. I'm, I'm sure it's just this thing that he pitched and it seems yeah really, um, Paul F. Tompkins is playing his dad. Who's like the producer of the show.

Speaker: yeah It's, it looks very stupid. I'm very excited. Yeah. Oh my god i'm gonna have to look that up after this. Yeah. Yeah. ah Yes. So anyway, little promotion for Dropout.tv. Yeah. The best streaming. Sponsor us. When we say that Peacock is the best streaming site, because obviously Peacock is terrible, the actual best streaming site is Dropout.

Speaker: There you go. There you go. Anyways, so we're in school. were Everybody's like, oh my god, happy birthday, Bella. And she's like, I'm so old. i mean Yeah, she's like, stop. Don't talk to me about my birthday. she has the Keira Knightley disease of like having to stick things in her mouth constantly throughout this movie also. I mean, if you've got a you know two hot guys to choose from, I'd want to stick something in my mouth.

Speaker: oh Jesus these are children so yeah they're reading Romeo and Juliet Anna Kendrick is like the wrote the essay on Romeo and Juliet is due today big day okay man right I was like wow and then they're in class Edward is there and he's like i you told me not to get you birthday present or whatever like he's in this register the whole time like he's like I don't know Bella like I'm 109 years old.

Speaker: It's, he's us asleep. He is sleepwalking through this movie. I like to think he was just trying something new. um It's certainly something. Jacob shows up. Jacob got buff over the summer, it seems. Yeah. And. Super ripped.

Speaker: They were going to replace him with a different actor, but he told them that he could get buff, and he did. So good for him. Yeah, he did. Good for him. Good for Taylor Lautner.

Speaker: Still not a Native actor. However, they did. No, he is not. I will say um that everyone else in the Wolf Pack and all of the other Native characters are all Native actors in this movie. kind worse.

Speaker: um How is it worse? Would you rather they just like didn't? He's the main character. Like he's the only one. They're like, okay, so for you guys who have a few lines, we can hire natives for you. But for the main actor, like we can't be bothered. Well, they made the mistake on the first movie and they had to follow up. They had to keep him around because nobody likes a character replacement. um So I give them props for going the extra mile and...

Speaker: casting the wolf pack as like native and the wolf pack and adjacent as an actual native actors including the great graham green um we talked about on this show before as his uncle or whatever he's somehow related to jacob um yeah so yes uh he's hot now but yeah he is still a child uh we should say he's 16 and bella just turned 18 But he has like a six pack and he takes, he's popping that shirt off constantly in this movie. All the time. Well, here's the thing. Fun fact about werewolves.

Speaker: in this lore they're hot and they have to take their clothes off they get hot like they get hot and so they constantly have to take their clothes off because and you'll see like steam coming off of his body outside because he's just his body temperature is so hot it also comes up in the next book slash movie um but it also came up a little bit in this one because she's just like she's like freezing to cuddle with him because she's so cold because she's so cold um so yeah so they just they get hot but that's only after they've gotten their werewolf period and he's like a mechanic and he's they're like he does this like flirty dialogue with her he's like yeah rabbit and she's like oh is it fast and he's like not really i'm like what the fuck is this dialogue like what are we doing like is this flirting

Speaker: Bella, where you been, loca? It's terrible. Did he call her loca? Yeah, did you? that's I sent you a clip of it. It is one of the most infamous lines from the script, which is, Bella, where the hell you been, loca? Yeah.

Speaker: He's white boy. Yeah. He gets her dream catcher. Yeah, stereotypical. She's putting bad dreams. And there i just wrote down some of the the nonsense that people say in this movie. um he He's like, you told he's allowed to give you a gift, but I'm not allowed to give you a gift. And then she yeah like she's like, you don't need to give me anything. And he says, you give me everything just by breathing.

Speaker: yeah Gross. Yeah, Charlie literally like, what? Is Alice a teacher at the school? No, is Alice is another student. Alice is a student? Alice is 35. What are you talking about?

Speaker: Alice Renesme, or not Renesme, that's their baby. Alice, um oh my God, blonde chick um from 13. Rosalie. Rosalie. Rosalie, uh-huh.

Speaker: Like all of the kids are kids. They are full adults. The two couples. That's crazy. And Edward. They're all in high school. Alice Cullen, actress.

Speaker: It's ashs ash Ashley Green. She was born in 1987. She was only 22. She looks a lot older. Sorry, Ashley.

Speaker: i think it's the way she's styled. um You mean fabulously? i don't know. She does not look like a high schooler. I thought, oh, so is she a teacher at the school? No. That's what I thought.

Speaker: They're all in the same grade. They're all seniors. It's crazy. Crazy. Anyway, so she's there. She's Bella a birthday party. She's throwing Bella a birthday party because she's nice and cares about Bella unlike everyone else in this movie. Exactly why they should be together.

Speaker: um she is She does actually care about Bella as a person as opposed to a possession that makes you feel good, which is how Jacob and Edward feel about her. Charlie to some extent cares about Bella as well, i think. Because it's his daughter. Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, but again, it's he's very loose with with any kind of parental role. But that's his whole vibe, is Charlie doesn't know how to be a dad. He's never been a good dad. He's just trying to make it work.

Speaker: So um I was like, why is she in the school? They let anyone in there? um but And she's like, I'm gonna throw you a party. And then Jasper does his like mind hex on her, and she's like, okay, well, I'll come to the party. she's like, oh, Jasper, you hexed me. Yep.

Speaker: I thought their powers didn't work on her. That's an excellent point. It's actually a huge plot point later in the movie where they say powers don't work on her.

Speaker: You know...

Speaker: That's an excellent point. So anyway. I did not notice it. maybe there's a Maybe there's a solution. I don't know. Don't know. Right in. Couldn't tell you.

Speaker: Maybe it's just because he only like, he like maneuvers emotions. Like he doesn't like flat out like persuade you. Like he just sort of like nudges you. This is when she says, i don't like being celebrated because I'm like so humble. I'm like.

Speaker: I don't know. Put my fingers in my mouth.

Speaker: And then Alice is like, Edward's jealous of humans because they can kill themselves. Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay. Right? And she's like, wait, what?

Speaker: Yeah, the Volturi. He was trying to figure out a way to kill himself and he figured out that there's the Volturi and the Volturi are these evil vampires who live in Italy. And it's like this crazy plot dump like right here in the school hallway.

Speaker: Yeah. He was like, he was going to kill himself. And he decided that the best way to kill himself was to like commit the main crime of being a vampire and then they would kill him. And that's how he would kill himself. Like, dude, I'm pretty sure you could figure out a way to kill yourself. Otherwise, like, no, no, that's the only way.

Speaker: yeah we meet Michael Sheen. We meet Michael Sheen and. ah Vecna uh yes yes Jamie Campbell Bower and um Christopher Heyerdahl are like the three main Volturi and we see them yeah like we do a cut to them and they're like they wear they they're just like vampires man like they're wearing like 19th century like Anne Rice like interview with a vampire and they're like super gay and yes yeah yeah

Speaker: Yeah, and like there was and there's a point of Carlisle, when he was first turned, he hung out with them for a little bit. Yeah. But he didn't really like how immoral they were. they know, they eat people.

Speaker: because they eat people because they're vampires. And he was like, I don't know how I feel about this. And so then he left, but like he spent like a little bit of time as sort of like the fourth musketeer. yeah Just sort of hanging there's more than just them. They're just the three major ones. Yeah. yeah There's like a whole group of them. Every time you see them standing together in a trio, there's Carlisle like in the background. Or he's like hanging out behind the thrones. And like the thing is, is that they can throw judgment on any vampires because they're sort of like the they police for vampires. Yeah. They're the law. Yeah. Yeah. They're the law.

Speaker: um ah And they're apparently like the powerful. Like Bill becomes the king of Louisiana in True Blood. Exactly. Exactly. See, it's all tied together. um What We Do in the Shadows had it right in that all vampires know each other.

Speaker: all vampires know each other then he's in they're in class and they're he's like talking garbage to Bella and the teacher is like I'm sure you can tell that you're paying attention Mr. Cullen and you can tell us the last page and like has all of Romeo and Juliet memorized I guess I mean he's been to high school so many times after a while it's gonna make a mark whatever

Speaker: Um, the only, oh yeah this is when Edward tells her the, and she like talks him about the Volturi and he's like, the only thing that can hurt me is you. I don't have anything else to be afraid of. Yeah. And then she's like, what about the crazy redhead from the last movie? And this he's like, yeah I'm not worried about that. She's trying to kill me. He's like, yeah, but I'll take care of it. and she's like, just turn me into a vampire. So the main like, like thrust of this, the, the, the plot of this movie, such as there is one.

Speaker: Yes. The conflict is that she wants to him to turn her into a vampire and he don't want to. That is the conflict in this movie. He doesn't want to because it'll take away her soul.

Speaker: From what what I know that happens, that's the plot of the next, of all four of the movies. That's the overall plot of all of the movies. He don't want to make her a vampire, but he must. Yeah, which is a little bit of a red flag because like it's sort of like an allegory for virginity almost.

Speaker: It's very much an allegory for virginity. This is written by a Mormon and it's really hard not to read the social values of a ah very conservative religious person into all of this text. Yep.

Speaker: Because she just wants to get banged by his fangs. Yes, as she should. as she should. She's 18. She's legal.

Speaker: i mean, he's 109 and that's probably probably a problematic age gap, we should say. But, you know, in if we're taking this metaphorically, like, you know, like, have sex with people. It's fine. it's fine. Use protection. It's good for you. a condom. Exactly.

Speaker: Over your whole body. Over your whole body. Turn yourself into a cucumber. Shout out to my friend Chandler Davis. any Future guest Chandler Davis. Anytime someone was leaving for something, she would be she would like, okay, love you.

Speaker: Be safe. Wear condom. Over your whole body. That was her thing. Oh, I love that. Yeah. um anyway shout out chandler davis yeah they are and that's that's basically the thing they go to his like her surprise birthday party yep and it's very awkward because she doesn't have any friends and like well she does have friends that's the thing like she made friends the first movie and she just a abandons them instantly she doesn't give them any time

Speaker: They're eating lunch together and having fun. And she's off in the corner with Edward and like Edward can't get along with her friends because like when they, when they're talking to her and when she first gets to school, they're like, Oh, here comes Edward. And they all leave. Yeah. Like that's not good. Y'all like you have to introduce your boyfriend to your friends. If your friends don't like your boyfriend,

Speaker: That's on your boyfriend. That's not on your friends. Like you have to figure that out. There's a reason that they don't like him. But here's the thing. It happens. It's a very big, like all thes common thing in high school.

Speaker: But the problem with this series is that it's on the wrong side. If this book was taking the correct path, whereas, yes, that's absolutely a thing that happens, but yeah the boyfriend is problematic and you need to reconcile with your real friends and figure out what's going on. Maybe they'll figure things out with your boyfriend and maybe you need to dump his ass, but that is not where this is. This is follow your heart to the weirdo who watches you sleep.

Speaker: Tells you he'll kill himself if anything happens to you Yep. Who can't kiss you for very long because otherwise he might hurt you. He might hurt you. He wants to hurt you and tells you that he wants to hurt you. Constantly. And refuses to give you any agency or control over your own body or decisions.

Speaker: And then abandon your friends. Yeah. Don't listen to them. That is what this series teaches you. Yeah. Which is why she should have ended up with Jacob. He actually cares about her. No, no, he doesn't either. He want he controls her too. it's the very same It's exactly the same thing. like We'll get to it.

Speaker: It's no good.

Speaker: um Everybody like gives her presents. It's very cute. And then she like she tries to open a present and somehow cuts her finger. She has the worst paper cut anyone's ever seen. like It's like dripping blood. Blood just pouring down her finger from a wrapping paper cut. And she goes, oh, paper cut. and then I'm so clumsy. Yeah.

Speaker: And then Jasper immediately is like, well, I got to eat that. And of course, Edward senses it. And so his solution is to throw her up against a painting, a framed painting shop in like throw her into shattered glass and then um deal with his psychotic brother. Yeah.

Speaker: to everybody stops Jasper. Yeah. Yeah. And then they're all like, wait, Edward made this worse. Because now instead of a tiny paper cut, she is now covered in gashes.

Speaker: Yeah, she's got she's got gashes on her arm bleeding heavily with glass. And yeah like the only person who can go near her is Carlisle. Yeah, who's a doctor and we should say he's a vampire doctor. Yes, yeah blood every day. That's exactly what a dangerous profession. That's like ah an alcoholic bartender. I mean, we kind of talked about it.

Speaker: We kind of talked about it in the first one, but it's because it's his penance. I don't remember what we talked about in the last episode we recorded, much less the one we recorded a year ago. Like, listeners of the show will sometimes, like and by listeners of the show, I mean Gia, will mention something that, like, I said in a podcast, I'm like, I don't remember that. i don't remember.

Speaker: The second we stop recording, it's gone. Like, just gone.

Speaker: It's all off the cuff, baby. This is you know improv. This is, I mean, this is an excellent example of yes and. Absolutely. No, i don't think it is.

Speaker: Wow. um Got your back, got your back, got your back, got you back got you back got your back. that's That's a reference for very few people. Carlisle has to sew her up in his office and um and then he has to burn the towel with blood because like what's going to happen? Are they just going to like suck on it I think there'll be a frenzy. He has to burn the bloody towels.

Speaker: And we we recreate the cover of the book with the burning towels, which is cute. Much like when he holds the apple in yeah in the first movie. I assume they'll do this in the other movies too.

Speaker: yes you guessed it um and then she he's like this is when they get a conversation about souls and he's like i don't want to damn you and she's like what you think ah you think you're going to hell like when you you die because you're a vampire and he's like i don't know it's like it's not a solution it's not a solution it's a tragedy yeah he's like this is no way to live your life well that's the thing like Like, was this the first take? I don't know. Did nobody tell him to like, you know, maybe try that a little bit with a little bit more energy, man? Like maybe raise the stakes a little bit, Edward? This is about the soul of your girlfriend? He just can't be bothered. Like he's... I mean, maybe he's just like laying on the track. He's got his phone out.

Speaker: He's got his phone out and he's like buying a car like on eBay while he's talking to her with the money he's getting paid for this movie.

Speaker: And she she goes, you're not going to love me when I look like a grandmother. Yeah. um They make out. He's like, that's. They tell each other they love each other. yeah And then she's printing out photos. Oh, yeah. Her dad gave her a ah camera. A camera.

Speaker: Yeah. Camera photos. I love digital cameras. I love them. Yeah, me too. And she's got like a little, she's like printing them out. This movie was sponsored by Canon. Yeah. Yeah. The little Canon photo printer. Yeah. used to sell those when I worked at Best Buy after college. Yeah. Yeah. And then she also got a photo album for all of her photos. Her mother gave her an album and says, like, hey, fill this with photos of your friends. She's like, I don't have any friends. I've only got Edward. Right. He takes a picture of Edward, folds herself out of the photo, and tapes it into the middle of the thing. like, this is like, she needs therapy, man. Yeah, she needs therapy. Like, you need to get her out of the bed and into therapy immediately. She needs some SSRIs. Yes, because like even Edward, like when she's at school, because then he's like avoiding her for what I assume is a few days. And he's just like ghosting her. As he does. Right. And he like takes the picture out and he's like, what the fuck is this nonsense? Why am I?

Speaker: Oh, it's almost like i'm she's replaced everything important in her life with me. It's time to cut her loose. Yeah. He's like, there's some red flags here, which is like, you gotta hand it to Edward. Like, does recognize it's a toxic relationship. Yeah.

Speaker: And so he ends things. He like, he like waits for her to come back and she's like, Oh my God. Hi. And he goes, let's go for a walk while he's in like a three piece suit. um And you're like, never a good sign when a guy says, let's go for a walk. um But then he leads her out to the middle of nowhere of the woods. And you're just like, why would she do this? This murder, this murder clearing here. Let's do this.

Speaker: But it's like like told, I immediately turned to Charlie. I was just like, he should have done this in a public place. Yeah. You don't belong in my world. He says, and I don't want you to come with us. And he breaks up with her and she's like, you don't want me. And he says, can you promise me something? Don't do anything reckless for Charlie's sake.

Speaker: And I'll promise this is the last time you'll ever see me go on with your life. You're just not good for me. I'm sorry. I let this go on for so long. but neither of them are emoting at all. Like he's that the way that I just read that is pretty much how it's performed in the movie. And again, that has not more, he's not looking at her. And I understand that as a choice to where like, you know, he doesn't mean this. And so he's not looking at her to try to get it out without like yeah connecting with her. But unfortunately he's throwing too much away as we might say. Yeah.

Speaker: He's giving he's nothing. to be when He's trying to be cold. When he should, he needs to be getting conflict. Like that's what needs to be to be coming through here. Like if we were, if we were to give it a um, uh, an effort shape, uh, like Le Bon's effort shapes. Are you familiar with this action tool? Oh, yeah. Like, he is, okay, what's the one that is is indirect and weak?

Speaker: what is What's that effort shape? Indirect and weak? Yeah, because they're strong and direct, and then strong and indirect, and then weak and direct, and weak and indirect. what I'm talking about The effort shapes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: Um, I don't remember. I don't know. i don't know. Not important. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, Katie. Here's the thing. Maybe a flick is what it's called. It's called a flick. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Speaker: Um, the way that they both interpret their characters, grief and their characters conflict is, ah so unique to these two characters that I don't think I've ever seen it displayed by any other humans ever in my life. His choice is to be cold like marble and not give any, anything. And hers is to give a little bit and then have a PTSD um trauma nightmare and then give nothing. And then a PTSD trauma nightmare. and then like nothing thing There's nothing behind her eyes either. Okay. So here are the effort shapes real quick. Okay. so

Speaker: indirect light and sudden is a flick and then indirect light and sustained is a float. So what he's doing is a float. And I would say what he needs to be doing is, that is a, is a ring indirect, heavy and sustained. Okay.

Speaker: Because what he's imparting is heavy, but yeah he can't do it at her, right? And it is it is sustained because it's weighing him down. So i would if I were directing this scene, I would ask him to try a ring instead of a flick.

Speaker: Like a ring, like with a W. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, i feel like you're putting way more thought into this than is actually factually, like the actor's actually dead. so I mean, yeah, again, like I said, he's on eBay buying a car in this yeah in this film. yeah Like, on on screen. He's just yeah like, well, I could get this. And then the rolls is, you know, 1.2. you know, the Bentley.

Speaker: That's what he's doing in this scene. Yeah, yeah. Again, love you. Robert Pattinson, please. I know that you didn't have a good time in this movie and it's not your fault. Like, we you. Yeah, we love you. You're a fantastic actor. But like, yeah, anyways. She's doing nothing. She is like- Until she's having a PTSD dream, which is what happens after this.

Speaker: i mean honestly but what's the trauma like i don't know i don't know it's always bothered me the fact that these nightmares are she like screams and like because her boyfriend left her yeah that happens to everyone bitch everyone like but like it it's like it's kind of like my sad oh she's going she's having these screaming like nightmares like I mean, she didn't have PTSD dreams after she was attacked in the burning ballet studio. Like that's a reason to have a PTSD minor.

Speaker: Is that what it is? Is that, is it supposed to be related to that? Or is it because your boyfriend broke up with you? It's because your boyfriend and boyfriend broke up with her. So and that's not, I don't buy that. Like that's, that's crazy. Like yeah it's and she needs, she needs therapy and she needs to talk to somebody about this. But instead, Charlie's like, well, that's none of my business.

Speaker: No, Charlie finally says, you know what? That's enough. You're going to Jacksonville. You're going with your mother. Yeah, but she talks about of it immediately. I know. she's like, no, I don't want to leave Forks. And he goes, OK.

Speaker: Yeah. She's like, I'm going to the mall with Anna Kendrick. And he's like, you don't like the mall. And she's like, yeah, when yeah I need a girls night out. i'm like, yes, you do. You do need a girls night out. But that's not what happens, is it?

Speaker: if Instead, they go and see a movie and then she realizes that she should do the one thing that Edward told her not to do because then she's going to see visions of Edward. Warning her. We can Anna Kendrick's tight five on zombie movies real quick. Oh my so good. So, so good.

Speaker: Did you write beat it all down? it's a may no but it's amazing. It's like the movie suddenly comes to life when Anna Kendrick is on screen. It's like, oh, here's a character that I care about and is is it has a vested interest in in our main character and is trying to connect with her.

Speaker: We've got some like some pop and dialogue for the first yeah time in this movie. It's the first time in the movie. improvised. Of course she did. There's no way. There's no way Melissa Rosenberg wrote that.

Speaker: Man. My favorite line that I immediately texted to Katie was, you know, my cousin had leprosy and let me tell you, it is not funny. It's so good. like It's energy in this movie. She has energy and our main characters have none.

Speaker: like i mean, she's just playing off of, she's just giving it a different energy. It's crazy. And it's also crazy because like she was asked about it and she forgot she was in these movies. So, you know, it's.

Speaker: There you go. There you go. um Anna Kendrick and Ashley Green, the MVPs of this series for me. like Oh, for sure. For sure. um But yeah, so she's like, all of a sudden she's seeing visions of Edward being like, don't be reckless. Don't be reckless. It's so lame. It looks so stupid. There's this like ghostly image of him that appears and she like he like talks to her and she talks back to him and it's like,

Speaker: Is it a supernatural thing? Like, is it him projecting? No, it's all in her head because she's lost her mind. Yeah. she needs to be in like therapy and she probably needs some, some medication, but nobody's going to give that to her. Instead. Yeah. She finds the biker, these bikers are cat calling them. Yeah. And she go the same bikers who almost like assaulted her in the first movie.

Speaker: Yeah. She's like, I'm going to go on a ride on the back of this 40 year old bikers motorcycle. Yeah. Yeah. and i'm glad and she could have gotten kidnapped and raped yeah and she and she tells him to stop and he does which like yeah hey man probably wouldn't have happened props to the biker i guess and i got handed to him right maybe i'll tell you who wouldn't do that edward and jacob they wouldn't have done that

Speaker: so then she's like she goes back and anna kendrick's like bitch, you crazy. And the Kendrick's like, excuse me, what the fuck just happened? Yeah. she And so she's just like, I don't know. I guess I'm a bit of an adre adrenaline junkie now. Whoa.

Speaker: And so then I'm like, like this is after this is after months of yeah her like abandoning them. Like we have this montage set to this bonnie vera song yeah and she's like eating lunch in the cafeteria by herself like she's completely distancing herself from her friends doing the exact opposite of what she should be doing yeah bella is the worst friend in the world she's the worst friend in in rom-com history like so you're saying this around is a rom-com no i'm not but of course she's the worst friend in go get your girl history

Speaker: I mean, know Juno in The Descent is worse. Juno is worse. Yeah. But Bella's up there. She's in the Pantheon. She's on the Mount Rushmore of go-get-your-girl-bad-friends.

Speaker: That'd be a great t-shirt. We should do that for merch. um She keeps seeing him. And when she puts herself in these, these dangerous situations um and she, and I can't hear because like, Hey, why don't you go bungee jumping or something? Like get on some loser's motorcycle. Like, and Bella's like, if I give myself a rush of danger, I'll see Edward. The only thing important in my life.

Speaker: It's like, This is, it's so like, it's so strange because you see like movies and TV shows from, you know, the eighties until now. And like all of this is so classic cautionary tale shit. Like yeah any movie for young people, like up to teenagers,

Speaker: is is going to... the All the plot points that happen in this movie are like, this woman is out of control and her friends need to help her and stop it. this is like That's like an after-school special plot.

Speaker: And this movie it's is somehow about how they're meant to be. It's insane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been team Edward. I completely agree. i completely agree. um Anyways. So then she's just like, well, why don't, I know that Jacob is like, he can put together bikes. So I somehow have this motorcycle and I need him to fix it. And she's like, can you fix it? She buys two dirt bikes with magic money from somewhere. With magic money.

Speaker: and she's like, I thought we could hang out together every day and put these dirt bikes together. yeah Like, I'm clearly in love with you. Like, what are talking about? he's like, okay, I'm gonna put on some music. And she goes, I don't listen to music. I don't like music anymore. i don't like And he's like, okay, that's that's normal. That's not a con.

Speaker: It's not a red flag. First first we get we get the fantastic scene where she like shows up um at his house with the dirt bikes and... And he runs over and he says the iconic line, Bella, where the hell you been, loca?

Speaker: And then he gives her a big old hug. And then she's like, those bugs are so heavy. Be careful. And he just like lifts them up like they're nothing because he's getting his wolf period. He's about to get his wolf period. He's going through the life change. He does not know it. um But yeah, then we get like the montage of them like fixing it. And like, at first he's like, um he he's like, oh, you want me to put on some music? and she's like, I don't listen to music anymore. This is this is yeah my note I wrote. Montage. This movie looks a lot better than the first one. Warmer colors, generally better shot, better composed. She needs to see a psychiatrist. All one sentence. Yeah.

Speaker: And then they have this whole conversation about like how how ah she's older than him and she needs to be helping him with um with homework so that her his dad doesn't get mad at her. And he's just like, I'm so much smarter than you. And you're like, I mean, I'm not going to fight that.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. They're talking about like mental age versus actual age. and And, you know, he calls her like an old woman or whatever. Yeah. She's like not what she needs to hear. Yeah. And so she's she's triggered by that. ah And then we meet the werewolf clique. Yeah. The werewolf. Who are cliff diving. Yeah. And he's like, oh, that's Sam. And the and they like the guys, they went crazy. And no one knows. They all follow Sam around like they're puppies. And we don't understand. I don't understand what's going on. like Yeah. Sam used to be cool. And now they all dropped out of school and are being weird. And they take their shirts off and go cliff diving.

Speaker: All the time. She's like, I want to go. She's like, I want to go cliff diving. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, no. Anything to see Edward. Let's not do that. It's not even, it's more intellectual because it's like, there's one thing where it's like, I need to put myself in danger to feel adrenaline, which is what they're going for. Like that is reaction to depression and trauma for sure, something that happens.

Speaker: But she's literally doing it so she can see him again. So there's this pathology added onto it, this supernatural pathology where she's like, not only do I feel good, but I literally see him.

Speaker: And he's the only thing that's important to me. And instead of saying becoming self-actualized and instead of finding anything to do outside of him, everything I do is about Edward.

Speaker: Sad. Anyways, so she goes and they they take the motorbikes for a little ride, a little spin. And ah she crashes out. She sees Edward like left and right instantly. And she crashes out.

Speaker: and um And he's like, oh my god, are you OK? And she's got a cut on her head. She immediately apologized. He's like, why are you apologizing for bleeding? And then you're like, oh man, red flags. like Well, yeah, it's it's not a big problem for her to bleed in front of normal people. Exactly, exactly.

Speaker: And, and then, um, and then we get, going to pop that shirt off. He immediately pops it off and he's like, here, let me fix my shirt on your head. Put my sweaty shirt on your head.

Speaker: um and then, then she, she's finally like opening up and she's, you know, not being so PTSD crazy anymore. And she goes and sits with the actual humans at school for lunch. Yeah. And and then she's like, hey, do you guys want to go to the movies? No, that's not what happens. Oh, sorry.

Speaker: What happens is Mike, who broke up with Anna Kendrick weeks ago. And because she she tells her that at them at when they go to the movies. Yeah.

Speaker: The only thing to do in Forks is to go see the movies, I guess. I guess. And... Mike asks her out on a date with Anna Kendrick sitting right and next to her. No comment on it. Everyone acts like it's normal. No, not no, nothing weird. And Bella's like, yeah, let's go out on a date.

Speaker: Ex-boyfriend of my supposed best friend who's sitting right there. hey everybody. and hang She tries to make it a friend hang. She's like, do you want to go see Love Spelled Backward is Love? It's a romantic comedy. yeah And she goes, no, let's go see Face Punch instead.

Speaker: Face Punch.

Speaker: is Let's go see Face Punch. That's got to be intentionally funny. Like, that's got to be a joke. It's so mad, right? It has to I mean, because then you have, like,

Speaker: Everyone's like, it. violent. Like, why would you, like, call it dick punch, you know? Like, give it something. Face punch. Face punch. Where faces get punched. um And then everyone's like, yeah, let's totally go to the movies. And then um the she shows up. Well, then it's Jacob and Mike. And Jacob is just, like, goading Mike. Immediately aggro. Like,

Speaker: we He's such a dick. Like, Jacob sucks. No, not as bad as Edward. They're both dick measuring immediately. wrote, it's somehow just the three of them. Everybody else canceled. Everyone's like, I'm not gonna go see face punch.

Speaker: Yep. Well, Angela got the stomach flu that's going around. Who's Angela? Is Angela Anna Kendrick? No, Angela's the one with the glasses. Okay, ah the the one with the camera, yeah. Yeah, and then her boyfriend is um the the guy that wears like a little emo tie yeah who's on the newspaper. um and ah And he bailed on the movie to take care of Angela.

Speaker: And the only one who really bailed for like no reason is Anna Kendrick because she didn't want to go on a date with her ex-boyfriend. And her supposed best friend who cares nothing about her at all. Exactly. And so it ends up being just the three of them. And then it's like immediately to the shot of them at watching the movie. And both um Mike and Jacob have their hands like awkwardly on the like middle console, like waiting for her to hold their hand. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, so cringe. So cringe.

Speaker: And then Mike is like, i vomit he has to puke. He's like, this movie is so violent. I'm to throw up. Yeah. And he runs out to the bathroom and Jacob is like making fun of him. And then Jacob's like, what, you can't hold my hand? You like me, right? And she's like, oh yeah, she told him he was beautiful earlier when they were fighting dirt bikes.

Speaker: And he's like, you think I'm beautiful? I need you and I'm not going to give up. Yeah. I don't just, I just don't want you to go anywhere. And like, it's, it is selfish. Like it's,

Speaker: But he's gonna fight for her. And he the thing is, is that Jacob has like, he's got more like, I don't know, I feel like he just like works harder. And it's just sort of like, he's, he's just, he's showing how much he cares.

Speaker: She's like, I'm not a car that you can fix. Like, I'm never gonna run right. And he's like, it's because of him. I know what he did to you. What he did to you was break up with her. That's all he did to her. I'm never going to do that. I would never do that.

Speaker: And Mike's like, oh, um I must be sick. I must have what's going around. And for a minute I thought, like, is there some kind of like supernatural disease that's going through the school? Like, is this a plot point? No, there's no plot points. No, it's just the stomach flu It's yeah, but here, like,

Speaker: In storytelling, in movies and shows and and and plays and such, you ah you have like economy of storytelling. So like nothing should be just random. Like if something comes up, it needs to have some kind of effect on character or plot or theme or something. So if multiple people are sick, then it needs to have some kind of impact on the plot or character or something. It does. It gets rid of It gets rid of Mike.

Speaker: But then as he's going, like, um yeah Jacob gets so aggressive and he goes, you're a stupid dumb bitch. He doesn't say you're a stupid dumb bitch. He goes, you sick. and You need to go to the hospital. You need to put you in the hospital. And he's going to the shit out of him. And and like and and I wrote, is Mike a ghoul or something? Is he a third type of supernatural creature? What the hell is happening? And Bella's like, whoa, Jacob, that was a lot. And he's like, yeah I don't know why I got so testy. And I'm like, werewolf period. And she touches him. And he's like, he's burning up. yeah Werewolf period.

Speaker: He's like, I, and then so she calls him and he's not answering. And like his dad says he's got mono. And Charlie, yeah. He ghosts her. Like minutes after he said, I would never do what he did to you. He does exactly exactly the same thing. And you're like, wow, this girl can't catch a fucking break. Charlie is going to go fishing with Graham Greene, presumably for weeks. We don't know what the story is there. like Like, he has a lot of leave for a small time cop.

Speaker: Yep. um bella goes to jacob's house and finds him wet and shirtless he cut all his hair off and got a tattoo and now he's hanging out with the the bad boys yeah and she's like what is wrong with you why why did you ghost me and he blames the filthy bloodsuckers uh you love the cullens and she's like i don't know what you're talking about yeah yeah and he's like you've been lying to everyone but you can't lie to me we can't be friends anymore um And she's like, you can't break up with me. You're my best friend. And he's like, don't come back or you're going to get hurt. And like, literally exactly the same as Edward. Like, to the to the line. like it but it's like, he doesn't mean that.

Speaker: She refuses to have a life outside a relationship with a boy. yeah She will not, she refuses to hang out with a girl for one minute. Will not do it.

Speaker: Hates women. Fuck Anna Kendrick. a Bella hates women. You heard it here first, friends. I mean, the facts are all there. Like, she will not.

Speaker: Anna Kendrick is trying to tell her about her boyfriend and her breakup with Mike. does't Is not listening. Not paying attention in the least. Like, does not give a shit about anyone but herself. She's the worst. She's so annoying.

Speaker: Ugh. She is searching the woods trying to find ghost Edward. Yeah. um She's trying to find ghost Edward. She's trying to find a reason to live. And she sees Laurent. And Laurent is like, oh my God, hey, Bella, what up? And she's like, oh my God, hey. is evil vampire in the first movie who saved her. is that what happened in the first movie? Yeah. So he knew what...

Speaker: like bad boy was like was like and he was like so he like gave the cullens a heads up and was like hey i'm so sorry he's like a hunter guy and like this is gonna get out of hand and i want no part of this the villain from the first movie i forgot completely about him they don't even mention him in this movie really yeah because he's dead d-e-a-d d-e-d dead he's of no concern concern yeah And Laurent is like, Victoria is trying to find you. I'll kill you quickly. so yeah Victoria is not going to kill you quickly. And um then she gets saved by some CGI wolves. Yeah. And she's like, whoa, those must be the big animals that are eating people.

Speaker: ah man. I'm in front of a vampire and some wolves that are eating people. Scary. They're the size of like a Volkswagen minibus. Like they're huge. Because they're werewolves.

Speaker: I guess, man. Like, I just think that if there were, you know, four ton, 12 foot long wolves roaming around the woods all the time, someone would notice.

Speaker: They're werewolves. But like the thing is, is that they, the people do know about them. Like ah the entire like reservation knows about them. Like it's like, that's true. That's true. A secret and that they protect. And we see it later on when they're like out looking for the quote unquote animals. What's his name?

Speaker: Old homeboy. Graham Green like sees a wolf print paw print and he's just like, nope, nothing. Look here. Nothing. Yeah. He's protecting them. yeah so she goes home and is like charlie i know who's been killing people i saw these giant wolves they're huge wolves and he's like okay let's go let's form a posse and take out some wolves yeah and grim green's like oh fuck Jacob comes to her room and then she's like, let's run away together. yeah What? Yeah. She's like, I might not like love you, love you right now, but that doesn't say that I won't love you, love you.

Speaker: yeah she cares about nothing but boys. Like the only thing that she could possibly care about is, is boys. And like, I understand that that's a phase that people go through, but my God, it's asinine.

Speaker: um She puts together the werewolf thing in a dream. Oh, she writes she recognizes Jacob by his eyes when he's wolf. his eyes. And she's like, oh my God. And so she confronts him about it. She goes to antagonize the werewolves. Yeah. And she yeah smacking like the Sam guy in the face. Yeah. turn into werewolves. And like, she is like, so she's suicidal basically is what's happening. Yeah. And then they turn into wolves. And then she's like, I was right. What? Yeah. um and then they're like it cool um let's jacob faces the other guy down like jacob yeah is we get a little wolf on wolf like fight and then we we meet sam's fiance who has this like really bad scar on her face because she pissed him off one time and that's what happens

Speaker: And they're like, when the alpha gives orders, we literally have to yeah follow them. so like a That is a dated understanding of wolf dynamics, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways. Here there, I suppose. But it's like a supernatural thing. And so like they can all hear you hear each other's thoughts, so they can communicate. Yeah. telepathically like the animorphs yeah classic yeah yeah exactly and then um and they have to follow the alpha the alpha makes the rules like if the alpha tells them that they can't do something they cannot do it

Speaker: because he's we can't tell her he's a werewolf that's one which is why he couldn't tell her because he was forbidden and she figures it out all right well here we are um and then they're like i guess you're a part of our family now and um and yeah and she's just like idea is that they're more human than the vampires they they have they eat muffins Yeah, she sees like a possible future for her as this human woman who's who's gonna marry Sam, but she got maimed in the face. So it's not 100% great.

Speaker: But werewolves age and die unlike vampires. Yeah, exactly. This is where she's like, can't you find a way to stop being a werewolf? Right? She goes, it's wrong. Yeah. And he goes, I can't help it. I was born this way. It's very, it's very gay coded. And he's like, we're not killing people. Vampire is the one that's killing people. And she goes, who's killing people? And he's like, the, the, the guy that we killed. And they show a flashback of, they killed Laurent in the woods, the wolves. And they're like, and now we're going to kill the redhead.

Speaker: Yeah, we're gonna kill Victoria. And she's like, Okay, I guess this tracks still protected. um ah And he's like, but again, she has no agency. Like everything is these boys, these boys make the decisions, these boys do the action. They're the ones who do things. She does oh nothing. She makes no decisions. Would you say that there's a parallel of the Mormon church in the Mormon faith?

Speaker: Yeah. Like one might say that they're the head of the family and that they're the priests of the family as well. And you must be subservient to them. And when Bella and Edward made out, that was them soaking.

Speaker: Oh, God.

Speaker: Have I told you this? um ah So when my my dad died in 2021. Yeah, he I got his iPad when he died. And i was, you know, like, clearing it out and like getting getting rid of stuff. And yeah like gonna turn it into my iPad. Right.

Speaker: And I saw like the one of the last things that he had Googled was the Urban Dictionary's definition of soaking. Are you serious? yeah Bless. He was on top of it, you know? like it was right on his eye, guys.

Speaker: He had to know. He heard it somewhere, and he's like, is that real? And he's like, let's check Urban Dictionary. Yeah. like very I would have done the same thing. Yeah. yeah Yeah. But it was 2021. Everyone was in the it was everyone's talking about soaking in 2021. Yep.

Speaker: Oh, bless. That's so funny. What are the last remaining memories? Are...

Speaker: So, um, yes. Uh, so she's, she's been leaving these messages for Alice who is not checking her voicemail. she's been emailing Alice. Yeah, but they're coming back. Oh yeah. She's been emailing her, but she's been coming back. coming back no Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah. But Alice is a tech wizard. there's There's a wolf fight with Victoria. I was speeding it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. was speeding it up to from one and a half to two times speed at this point. Oh, okay. She jumps off the cliff into the water. Yeah. And then immediately afterward, Bella's like, what a great time for me to do this cliff dive I've been talking about. Yep.

Speaker: and exactly she jumps off the the cliff into the ocean, which is a terrible idea. In her clothes, you know Yeah. Terrible idea. And is having trouble fighting the waves and yeah swims directly into a rock and gets knocked out. And then the last thing she sees is Victoria coming toward her.

Speaker: But then Jacob has her and makes no mention of Victoria whatsoever. And he's giving her CPR and she's all cold and wet. And she's going like snuggle with his hot body to like get warmth from her. his hot body. Yeah.

Speaker: Oh, man. Hot body. Body, yaddy, yaddy. Jacob takes her home and is like, i smell a vampire. Yeah, and then she's like, wait, that's the Collins car. That's Carlisle's car. yeah and And they walk in and there's Alice. It's just called Carlisle. That's what he calls his car. Just Carlisle?

Speaker: if i were if I was named Carlisle, my car would just be called Carlisle. oh I get that. I get it. Yeah. um But Alice is there and she's just like, oh my God, you're alive. And she's like, what are you talking about? Oh yeah, because um Graham Greene or whatever, he he had an and interaction with Victoria and he had a heart attack. um And he died. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. She strangled him. Wait, he died?

Speaker: Yeah, he died. Graham Greene dies? Yeah, he dies because he doesn't die from Victoria's hand, but like she strangles him. He gets away. The wolves come in. But because he's old and has a bad ticker, he has a heart attack and dies. And that's the funeral that everyone's talking about. And why? Because Edward can't see anything that's going on.

Speaker: um or Or sorry, Alice can't see anything that's going on with um Bella because she's constantly around the werewolves because of the treaty. So like there's huge like blocks. And so they just know that somebody in Forks died and yeah they.

Speaker: She saw her jump off the cliff. She saw her jump off the cliff. And then the next thing she, they hear is somebody in Forks is dead. And so like, um so ah Edward calls. Well, Jacob bursts in. Yeah. Jacob bursts in. He's like, can't leave you.

Speaker: Yeah, and he had they have this little conversation. She's like, I'm going to go outside. Call me when the dog is gone. Yeah. and And they almost kiss, but the phone rings. And Jacob answers the phone and is like, Swan residence. And he's like, oh, he's not here. He's planning a funeral. Hangs up.

Speaker: And then we see Edward on the other line crush his cell phone. In Rio de Janeiro, in like a hut right outside the like big Jesus statue from R plus J. And it's like, um, what unfathomably cruel thing for Jacob to do. Like, what are you talking about, man? Like, you know what you're doing. Like, he's just as bad as Edward. There's like, like,

Speaker: insane and and and bell like and he's 16 that was like what the fuck is wrong with you yeah yeah and then alice comes barting in and she's just like um yep that just did it uh the uh the stones have spoken uh edward's gonna go and commit suicide tomorrow dead edward thinks you're dead so now he's gonna kill himself with the volturi It's like, if you have... white Can you not get a message to this man?

Speaker: like You can't doodly-doodly psychic him something? Nope. He smashed his cell phone phone. I know. Whatever. So she's like, let's go to Italy. And she's like, what about your dad? And she's go she goes, fuck my dad. going to I'm going to Italy.

Speaker: I'm going to Italy. And so they go to Italy. And it's like... This movie, this is like the fifth or sixth act of this movie at this point, where also like, it's so hard to put any kind of structure on this. Like, what is the plot of this movie? Like, about? just let it wash over you.

Speaker: Yeah, that's not a thing. So the, so this your reminds katie what this reminds me of, this is like season two, episode six of like a long running TV show. You know, yeah this is like a filler episode in a not very strong teen drama.

Speaker: You know, this is like the episode where like, you know, they had to shoot 22 and you know, some of the episodes, like a lot of stuff happens and some of them are kind of like, we just need filler, you know? I mean, and If it was spread out over a series, I think you would find the conflict a little bit more apparent.

Speaker: I don't know, man. This is this is tough. um It was just, it's boring. I don't understand. boring I don't understand how this is so popular. like I found it deeply um boring.

Speaker: I'm very much enthralled. I'm happy for you. I wouldn't take it from you. So there's a bunch of red cloaks. So they're in Italy and like she can't get anywhere because it's Italy. And she's trying to drive in a little tiny village in Italy, which is like idiot. Why are they all wearing red cloaks? Because they said there's a there is a celebration. It is the feast of the of something, which is celebrating getting all of the vampires out of this little village in Italy. Oh, okay. and Really, the Volturi are there, so it wasn't very successful. They didn't do that. um And so like, but Alice can't get through because everybody's like walking in this like little festival, doing this like little march with these red robes. And they're like, we don't have time because she knows that he's going to like show himself to the world at like noon on the dot. And there's a giant clock tower with giving us time. Why does she know it's noon and noon on the dot? why does she Because he he does it underneath the clock tower. He walks out. Why does she know that's going to happen at noon?

Speaker: because she had a vision. Alice did. Yes. Okay. So um we have it we we see Edward talking with the Volturi. Yeah, and they say, no, no,

Speaker: They're like, we you should join us. like Your power would be very useful. And to me, I thought, what the hell is Edward's power? like I don't remember from the last movie. can read minds. They did mention it eventually, but it wasn't mentioned at all in this movie up until this point. like You just had to know that from the previous movie.

Speaker: He makes some references. i I didn't catch them in this movie. I mean, I know after that point they do, but before that point in this movie, I didn't catch any of those references. if they were they Maybe they're there. I believe you. just didn't notice them.

Speaker: um And so whatever he was asking for, we're not sure what it is, they decline. to get killed, to have to be murdered. He just asked them to be murdered straight up? Yeah. He asked them to kill him because he didn't want to be around anymore.

Speaker: it wanna to be i don't want to be around anymore. Yeah. And they're like, absolutely not. You're way too valuable. And he's like, well, then fine. I'll go commit like the biggest crime in vampire heres law. Here's the thing. So like if you were at a Piazza yeah natalia in Italia, you saw a man, a shirtless hot man ugly man come out with a vagina bones.

Speaker: And I know that you're going to call them something worse. They're cum gutters. It's terrible. I hate it. The cum gutters. He comes out with the vagina bones. Yeah. and I mean, what are they actually called? Just so people who listen to this might not know what we're talking about. The cum gutters. I can't Google it. Stop saying cum gutters.

Speaker: The... The... The muscle, the V muscles that people have that mostly men and sometimes women have like right up along their, their, into their, their brotch region. Their like lower abdominal region. Lower abs. Yeah. Yeah. I've always heard the term vagina bones and you call them the other thing.

Speaker: I don't like that at all.

Speaker: If we saw this man and he just happened to be super sparkly, don't you feel like it would be like, well, that man's covered in glitter. Don't you feel like that would be the response? Like vampire wouldn't be the top 100 things I i thought he would be. It wouldn't, but it would be like, wow, that man's so sparkly. That's so weird. But like, I mean, i don't make the rules and the vampires have very few rules. Yeah. Maybe they know because they're the red road people that sparkly means vampire. Maybe that's what they know that tourists. And that's the whole point yeah it's just a bunch of American tourists. bunch of They've all gone. All of these American tourists have gone to this tiny village in Italy to celebrate this very niche festival.

Speaker: He is also like nowhere close to a performance ah during this. yeah Like I know he's supposed to be like checked out and like despondent or whatever. But like, man, you are in like 20 minutes tops of this movie. Like you to give something.

Speaker: Like yeah but you could be bothered a little bit. Like he's not bothered at all. He's trying to commit suicide. And Bella sees him from across the fountain. and Kind of an emotional act.

Speaker: But she has sees him from across the piazza. And she has to run out and stop him. But like there's too much traffic. So like she jumps out of the car she runs across the fountain. And she stops him by hugging him. And he goes, Oh, I really am in heaven. And, um, and she's like, no bitch, I'm really here. this is not a dream. You need to back it up, back it up, back it up. And then they make out.

Speaker: And then they make out and he's like, Oh, you're alive. Cool. And Dakota Fanning is there. yep And they're like, come with us. And we're like,

Speaker: Why? Because, because ah they're like the Volturi aren't really done with you yet. Um, Edward, because you kind of almost broke a rule. So we still, we need to have words with you.

Speaker: But they need to have words, yeah. But it's it's like a real low pressure hang situation. Like it's not like- I mean, you might think that, but there's a tension. and There's not a lot gravitas or tension in this scene. I understand that there's supposed to be, but in the performances, yeah I don't get it. There's tension. not feeling the tension. here's the thing. All the Vetturi have the red eyes. So we know that they all eat people. Um, but then they go down and there's a receptionist and the receptionist is completely human.

Speaker: And they're like, and she's like, oh yeah. So they're going to make, she wants to be a vampire. And then Dakota Fanning is like, maybe she will be, or she'll be dessert. We don't have rules. And then we meet the Volturi.

Speaker: We meet Michael Sheen who love Michael Sheen. Love him so much. Yeah. Sexy, sexy Michael Sheen. Love him. And ah he is, he's got a, he's got a power similar to Edwards where he can, he can read your thoughts, but it seems like it's a little different. Like it's different. He he can, can tell if you're telling the truth. Yeah. He can see your, your truth. He, if you touch him, he can see your memories and thoughts and feelings, everything inside of your head, but he has to test touch you. And so he's like, I heard a little birdie told me that this bitch is not affected by anybody's gifts. Let's really let's put this to the test. Except for Jaspers.

Speaker: But let's not talk about that. But don't worry about that. And she's like, Alice can see her as well. Yeah. And she's like, okay, I guess. And so then she, he touches her and he's like, wow, my powers don't work on you. This is so weird. And then he goes to Dakota Fanning and he, he's like, Hey Jane, you want to use yours? Which is she could make you like writhe in pain just by looking at you.

Speaker: And yeah I looked it up because I didn't understand what was happening. And she has the ability to make your brain think that you're like on fire or drowning or whatever. Yeah, like yeah exactly. And so she does it to Edward to give everyone a little sampling. And then and Bella's like, what? What the hell are you doing? Stop. And then she's like, OK, well, this might hurt just a little. and it doesn't work. And Michael Sheen is like, oh my God, this is amazing. Let's turn this bitch into a vampire now. Which is what she wants. yeah Like there's, again, the tension isn't there because they want the same thing the protagonist wants, which is the same thing the reader wants. In yeah any world, do you think that anyone reading these books or seeing these movies thinks that

Speaker: Oh, Edward shouldn't make her a vampire. That's not where I want this story to go. No. Of course not. Everybody wants Bella to be a vampire. That's just how the plot is structured. that's And that is what happens in the end.

Speaker: So where's the tension in this scene? The tension is that Edward doesn't want it. But Edward fucking sucks. but Edward doesn't want it. And he's like, no, please don't, don't do that. And Bella's like, I am, I mean, i'm not opposed to it and But he's like, no, she doesn't get to decide.

Speaker: I get to decide. Her feelings are immaterial. My feelings are what matters as the man in the relationship. What I say goes, don't listen to her. And then this big vampire like just breaks a bunch of marble with Edward's head. He really deserves it. Like it was very cathartic to see that guy get the shit beat out of him. And he almost kills Edward because you start to see the cracks. which is how these vampires they get torn apart like glass because like they're like marble or like glass um and and so like like marble or like glass those two very similar don't worry about it it's like it's like marble glass and um and alice stops it she goes stop

Speaker: it's gonna happen because I've seen it. And he goes, yeah how do I know you're not lying, bitch? And she goes, come read my thoughts. And so he does. And then he sees the vision of Bella and Edward running in like, I don't know, bridge to Terabithia clothes, like, or not bridge to Terabithia.

Speaker: She's wearing like this white prairie dress, which I'm sure like, got all the Mormon dicks hard in the audience. like Right? And just like, and she's a vampire and she's just like, I've seen it happen. It's gonna happen. If it doesn't happen by like whatever deadline you set, like I will do it myself.

Speaker: And Edward's like, me and so then there he's like, okay, cool. I give you amount of time. Okay, no problems then. See you later. any tension or rising action that you thought might come up to a climax? Nevermind. We're just gonna like, nip that in the bud. Don't worry about it. It's all over. Don't worry. Nothing happened here of note.

Speaker: Don't worry. And so then they leave. And then this is the spookiest part of the entire movie. Because as they're leaving, there's a woman in red who's like part of the Volturi who's bringing in like a ah tour group and um bringing them in to the Volturi. But like it's all these American tourists and like there's kids and stuff. And Bella sees them and she knows what's about to happen. and But she can't stop it because they have to like rush out of there. And as they're leaving, she hears the screams of all these people being massacred. You say spooky, and I thought it was hilarious. I thought it was the funniest thing that happened in this movie by far.

Speaker: It was so spooky. yeah It's so funny. It's so spooky. A very dour, humorless affair, most of this movie, until that yeah point. yeah But then they they go back...

Speaker: Yeah, he's like, I'm never going to leave you again. like yeah I can't do it. He's like, don't worry about it. I'm never going to leave. And then Charlie's back. She doesn't give a shit about Charlie. Yeah, he's like, you're grounded for the rest of life. And he's like, okay, I guess. And... He's like, I'm going to die so soon. Yeah. And Edward's just like, well, I guess it's going to be a minute before he forgives me. And she's like, I guess. And then they're driving and he's like, oh I got to know that she drove right off to Italy to chase after her psychopath boyfriend.

Speaker: What does Charlie think happened? Like, fuck Midnight Sun. want to read, like, forks and spoons. Like, Charlie's POV. Forks and spoons?

Speaker: Forks and spoons? Yeah. Oh, my Free note meal. But then he's, ah so then they're, like, driving, and Edward's like, ugh, I gotta pull over. Somebody's gotta talk to you. And it's, ah there's Jacob, shirtless as can be.

Speaker: and um he's like fuck shirts he's not wearing a shirt ever again yeah he's never again never again and he's just like um here's the dealio you need to remember the treaty cullen you can't kill any humans well bam you can't you can't bite a human but hold on put a pin in that because we skipped over the scene where they go to the Cullen's house. And she's like, okay, so I know this is awkward, but we're all going vote on whether not I get to be, I get to be a vampire. Yeah.

Speaker: So everybody votes and, um, uh, Alice and Jasper vote. Yes. Yeah. Rosalie votes no because she hates being a vampire. And she says that she wishes someone had stopped her.

Speaker: Yeah. Whatever the big guy's name is. He votes. Yes. Yeah. He hasn't had any, sir, not appearing in this film votes. Yes. He's had no lines in this movie so far. Reeser, who I think this is her only scene, like Reeser shows up for this one scene. She's there in the beginning and in the end.

Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. And Carlisle votes yes. And she's like, well, that's it. You're going to have to do it. And yeah he's like, she's waiting. I want you to, I want to wait till I have for graduation for Charlie's sake. And I want you to do it.

Speaker: Yeah. and then Jacob is there and Edward is like, thank you for taking care of Bella. And he says, the treaty is over if, if, ah if they bite a human. And she goes, Yeah, but what if I want it? It's consensual. And he goes, nope. It matters what I think.

Speaker: I have agency over your body, not you. You don't get to decide what to do with your own body, Bella. I, the man, do. No better than Edward.

Speaker: He has exactly the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Edward and Jacob are in total agreement about, about what to do with Bella's body. Like they decide her body, their choice, man. That's what this movie is about.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She tells Jacob, I love you, but don't make me choose because it'll be him. It's always been him. yeah And he goes, he goes, you don't speak for her. i'm like, my dude, she was literally speaking for herself.

Speaker: but then he leaves and then edward's like here's the deal i'm we're gonna do this but like i've got one last concession because no he goes he goes five years and she goes no three years and he goes you're so stubborn so a one condition one yeah one condition and he's like call me old-fashioned and then it's just like this whole like build up and he goes bella will you marry me because he wants to fuck her

Speaker: End of movie. So bad. She is 18. End of movie. Yes. Yeah. This was chore. it was It was such a blast. I enjoyed it.

Speaker: i'm I'm happy for you. i yeah I think I liked this movie worse than Twilight. Okay. Because a lot of the same thing, the problems that I have in this movie are the same problems that I have in Twilight in that I think it's morally bad.

Speaker: I think it's bad for for children and teens to be exposed to this. I think that it's it's bad for society. Are you saying that you want to ban Twilight from libraries? Are you talking about not banning books?

Speaker: I'm not saying that. But if I were to come up with a banned book list, it would be on the list. Like some of the, some of the, like, you know, the MAGA centered, like straight up lies, like marketed to children, like those books would be on there. Yeah. Like there's so like, you know, Howard Zinn's people's history of the United States, like some, yeah some conservative asshat in like the early two thousands wrote a book called the, the, the Patriots history of the United States. Yeah.

Speaker: Which is basically this like MAGA wet dream of the American history in a in a very specific way that's like lying to people about facts, which I find so like morally evil and reprehensible that if we were going to ban books, then I think that's something that should be banned. Absolutely.

Speaker: Something that is, I mean, I don't think this is quite on that level, but it is, it's not good for, for kids to read this, but that's no, I don't think we should ban anything, obviously.

Speaker: But like, you know, I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to read it I mean, it's just a bad stuff. It's just a story about vampires and werewolves, Katie. It's it's a it's a pervasive, conservative mindset that is... is told as an aspirational story. And I find that really upsetting. It's a Y2K fever dream.

Speaker: I think this movie is probably made a little bit better than the first yeah one in my great in my dim recollection. So maybe this one's better, but I did hate the experience of watching it a great deal. Yeah.

Speaker: I'm so i' sorry. i also found Twilight to be like, things happen in Twilight. Like there's, there's depulsive action. This movie is a lot of her waiting around on men to do things where she, while she does nothing.

Speaker: Well, you know, everybody's got their opinions on things. She's not an active protagonist. One thing that you need to have in any story is that the protagonist has to make choices that affect the story and the character. And she do of that. I would argue that she made some choices. Everything happens to her. She chose to jump off that cliff.

Speaker: Anyways. She does. You're right. You're right. But those are things those are things that happen. That's not the plot of the of the movie, you know? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. anyway Anyways, what are we doing next week, Katie? For another year, you won't have to hear being grumpy and Emma like something. It's just going to get worse. I'm just going to let you know. It's going to get way worse.

Speaker: Not for a whole year. know. Okay, yeah. So next is the movie that we punted down the line because of Dolly Parton's death. We are now going to watch the 80s rom-com ah directed by the great Peter Weir called Green Card.

Speaker: Oh, fabulous. Which neither of us have seen. Exactly. And we shall see if we like it. And if yeah I like it any more than I liked to New Moon. Yeah, I hope so. I hope that it's better than New Moon for both of us.

Speaker: We'll see, Katie. I mean, how many am i how many stars on Letterboxd did you give New Moon? um I don't think I i rated it. um must have, Probably gonna find three or four. find it.

Speaker: haven't opened my letterbox why is it not showing up oh it's the twilight saga colon new moon yeah 131 minutes my god yeah oh i have to like do a whole thing i don't know um no you have not oh you have not rated it you have yeah yeah that's okay uh probably three and a half stars okay okay yeah yeah i know what your rating is going to be which is negative 5 000 No, that's not possible. twi I give Twilight one star.

Speaker: um This is probably also going to be one star. i was going to are you giving this a half a star? No, half a star is reserved to to the truly heinous. And while i I disliked this movie, like, I don't think it's quite as bad as something I gave half a star to. La La Land, which I gave. Okay.

Speaker: Hold on. Hold on. I may have given one star to La La Land as well. Because La La Land is pretty. No, I gave it half a star. Absolutely ridiculous. You gave Sleepy Hollow two stars? Slippy Hollow sucks, Emma. That's the thing about Slippy Hollow. my god, I'm gonna throw my phone against the wall. Shall we outro? Also, I watched that movie at 6am at the Music Box of Horrors.

Speaker: think it's pretty great. Severely nodding off. um Again, Two Stars? that's not That's not that bad for me. like Again, like Two Stars is like an okay movie. It's like a movie that's not very good but has some things in it that are fun. That's what Two Stars is for me.

Speaker: That's rough. Anyways, shall we outro? Let's outro. Hey, this is our longest episode yet. Yeah! New moon! Thank you for listening to Go Get Your Girl. If you like us, tell your friends and please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. It helps out a lot and we would really appreciate it Thanks to Andrew Millican and Nick Svavoda for our theme music and Elena Henderson for our artwork.

Speaker: You can follow us on Instagram at gogetyourgirlpod or email us gogetyourgirlpod gmail.com. You can follow me and only me at emilympizza.

Speaker: Until next time, we're just two girls. Standing in front of the internet. Asking it to love us. Good night.

Speaker: This is the loudest thing in the world. I seek you out. Flay you alive.

Speaker: One more way and you won't survive