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Episode Four: For the Sake of the Children - Divorcing Amicably
282 Plays1 year ago
It wasn't too long ago that married couples stayed together for the sake of their kids. But now more than ever, couples are inclined to splitting for the sake of their children and the effect staying together can do to everyone's mental health.
Amy Colton, Family Law Mediator and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, shares how she works closely with divorcing couples to negotiate assets, parenting time and all other financial considerations.
Listen in and see if mediation might be best for your situation.
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Guardians of Hope podcast, where we bring together parents, nonprofits, and legal experts dedicated to positively impacting children's lives. I'm Cynthia, your host. Before we begin, it's important to note this content should not be used as legal advice.
00:00:17
Speaker
The purpose of this podcast is to inform and unite, so please seek advice from your attorney or therapist to address your specific needs. The thoughts and opinions of my guests are not necessarily my own. This is a platform for sharing.
Meet Amy Colton
00:00:34
Speaker
And speaking of sharing, I'd like to welcome my guest, Amy Colton, family law mediator and certified divorce financial analyst.
00:00:42
Speaker
Amy works with couples going through divorce to negotiate the division of assets, child considerations, and financial guidance. Hi, Amy. Thank you so much for joining the podcast. Well, thank you so much for having me, Cynthia. Really glad to be here. Of course.
Why Amicable Divorce Matters
00:01:00
Speaker
So we all know the stats on divorce. Half of all marriages fail, or even more than half, I think. When I was growing up, parents stayed together for the sake of the kids.
00:01:11
Speaker
but now couples are more empowered and inclined to split. But how do they split amicably for the sake of their children? Let's talk about this. So my first question for you, Amy, is how can couples split amicably? Why don't you tell us about your work? Okay, so that's the cornerstone of what I do.
00:01:31
Speaker
I actually think that most people when they think divorce, they think I have to hire a lawyer and they do have to hire a lawyer. The question is at what point? And generally if they start with lawyers, they're starting from a much more less amicable place because now you've relegated your discussions to the two lawyers and there's four people having a conversation.
00:02:00
Speaker
the two lawyers and the two parties that are in discussion with each other, but they're no longer talking to each other, they're talking only to their lawyers. So when a lawyer is hired, they represent one party and they try to get what the one party wants, which isn't always realistic because
00:02:23
Speaker
The way that I look at divorce is about negotiation. It's about finding a win-win solution. And that's really what I try to do in my practice at Divorce Made Simple is come up with a win-win solution that works for everybody as opposed to one person getting what they want and the other person not getting what they want. That's a zero sum. So I like to do as much work before the attorneys are hired and what the plan looks like
00:02:53
Speaker
and see if we can't get to agreement. And that's where using mediation comes into play because we have a conversation about what's in the best entrance of the children. Thanks, Amy. And you know, that leads to my next question.
Mediation vs Legal Battles
00:03:09
Speaker
What are the emotional and legal and financial aspects of divorce and how can couples navigate through them?
00:03:19
Speaker
So I tell people all the time, when I look at divorce, you have to look at all three pillars. You have to look at the emotional because it's a very, very emotional time in everybody's life. And you got to look at the legal aspects because the divorce decree is a legal document. If you go to court, that's legal. And then there's the financial. And the financial actually gets, a lot of times,
00:03:47
Speaker
thrown by the wayside, but what do people fight about? Generally, people fight about the money. Sometimes they fight about the kids, too, but it's generally about the money.
Legal Support in Divorce
00:04:00
Speaker
So the way I look at it is, hey, when you're going through this time, you need emotional support, whether you get it from a group of friends
00:04:10
Speaker
or a social network, or you hire a professional, but you do need emotional support. You do need legal support, which is why you hire an attorney. And the legal part of it is child support, spousal support, custody. Those are the legal things that come up during divorce. But then there's also the financial and tax part of it, which could be,
00:04:40
Speaker
The marital home, do we stay in it? Who stays in it? Can they afford a mortgage? Or do we sell it? All those decisions. That's usually a very big financial decision because usually the marital home is the biggest asset that most couples have. But we also have to look at the other assets. How are they divided? Is there debt? How do we divide debt?
00:05:03
Speaker
What's the budget look like? Because I need to know if you're going to be able to survive after divorce. Because before it was two people contributing, now it's just one. And then investment selection. How are you going to manage your investments if there's investments involved?
00:05:22
Speaker
That all has to be taken into consideration on the financial and tax side. And the other thing that I always ask my clients is, who's going to take the child tax credits? Because sometimes it doesn't make sense for both parties to take it. Sometimes it does. I mean, if you make over a certain amount of money, you don't get to take the child tax credit. If there's two kids, maybe one takes each kid.
00:05:52
Speaker
They might say, I'm gonna take the tax credit on even years and my spouse can take the tax credit on odd years. But the point is all these things have to be discussed when you're negotiating how your new life's gonna look.
Parenting Plans and Consistency
00:06:09
Speaker
That is a really good insight there. So let's talk about kids. What have been some of the best outcomes when there are kids involved? And also, what are some things to avoid so parents can always keep their children's best interests at heart? Well, first of all, I'm very fortunate because most people that I have
00:06:38
Speaker
worked with, and I've been doing this for about seven years, most of the time they're in agreement about one thing and one thing only. They want to do what's best for the kids. But they fight about other stuff like money, or they might fight about where somebody's going to live. But generally speaking, they want to do what's good for the kids. But the thing that
00:07:06
Speaker
that I think really needs to be discussed is what does that parenting plan look like? How much time each child is going to spend with each of the parents? Who's the custodial parent?
00:07:21
Speaker
and how that plays out. When the kids are younger, it's really important to stick to the schedule, at least in the beginning. Stick to the schedule because consistency and no surprises is probably best for everybody. When they're older, it's a little different because usually when they're older, say they're 15, maybe even 13, they can probably make their own decisions as to which parent they want to be with.
00:07:51
Speaker
But generally speaking, if there's younger kids, it's good to put together a plan and stick to the plan. I think that consistency will help people get through this difficult time, which is different. Your life is different after divorce. And so the more planning you do around it and the less deviating from the plan, I think is in everybody's best interest.
00:08:22
Speaker
The other thing that has to be decided is I think it's really good practice not to say anything negative about your spouse in front of the kids. I think that's just a really good plan of attack. Because like I say, it's an emotional for all parties involved. And the more that you can do to keep it smooth, I think is in everybody's best interest.
Geographic Restrictions and Court Avoidance
00:08:46
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If you're planning to move, if that's part of the long-term plan,
00:08:51
Speaker
That needs to be discussed at this juncture when you're going through the negotiations because a lot of times geographic restrictions will be put in the divorce decree. So you need to know, you need, it's best to discuss it upfront rather than spraying it on somebody. Oh, good things to keep in mind. Now, you know, you work with a lot of couples. What, you know, if mediation doesn't work, what's next?
00:09:23
Speaker
Well, unfortunately, if mediation doesn't work, court's next. And nobody wants to go to court. It's expensive, it's time-consuming, and you're letting a judge determine the fate of your life. So nobody wants to do that. So it's really in your best interest to get through mediation and make an effort to come to an agreement during those times
00:09:54
Speaker
I just want to make a clarification because even though I'm a family law mediator, I don't really like the style of mediation that goes on in most places. And I tend to do mediation a little differently. And most the time, the couple will be in separate rooms during mediation and the mediator will go back and forth between the two parties trying to get them to come to an agreement.
00:10:24
Speaker
And some will take four hours, some will take eight hours, and some will take however long it takes, but they do it in a day. And because divorce is such an emotional time, I really like to do it in two-hour increments. Because when you're discussing things, generally one party hits a nerve and it's hard to continue.
00:10:50
Speaker
when you're highly emotional. So by limiting it into multiple sessions of one and a half to two hours each, it allows the parties to think about things, to get questions asked in the interim, to kind of cool off. And then they come back to the table to continue the negotiation, usually a week or two weeks later, depending on everybody's schedule.
00:11:17
Speaker
Got it, Amy. So one more question for you. How long does mediation typically take? Well, again, it really depends on the individuals. The ones that I have participated in, now, the ones I participated in, I participated in more as a financial advisor, but then the ones that I personally conduct, because the ones I personally conduct are not binding.
00:11:47
Speaker
the ones where you do go into mediation.
00:11:52
Speaker
It depends on how long you think you need. So some parties will sign up for four hours. Four hours is usually the shortest amount of time. Some mediators will do eight hours and some mediators, like I say, will do, hey, if we're moving forward, we're gonna go and I don't care how long it takes. So they'll go to midnight, one o'clock in the morning, whatever it takes to get to agreement. Wow. Any final thoughts, Amy?
Financial Planning Before Legal Action
00:12:25
Speaker
No, the only thing that I really like to stress is that before hiring attorneys, it's really, really good to come up with a divorce financial plan. It will save you a lot of time. It will save you a lot of money. And like I said at the very beginning, it's a way more amicable way to approach divorce. So rather than hiring attorneys off the bat,
00:12:52
Speaker
I've worked with couples where we've negotiated everything and then I just turn it over to the attorney with all the information to write up the divorce decree. But that's the most expeditious way to do it because typically if you hire an attorney, it's a 12 to 18 month process. And in my experience working the way I work with clients,
00:13:19
Speaker
It's a three to six month process. So it saves you a lot of time. It's also a way more cost effective way to do it because you are having conversations with the two parties. I'm facilitating the conversations between the husband and the wife, which is why we get it done quicker. But it also is a way more cost efficient way to do it
00:13:49
Speaker
And the reason it's so much more cost efficient is you're not paying an attorney hourly for every time you have a conversation. So you're able to come up with a plan to then take to your attorney to finalize things.
00:14:07
Speaker
And I got into this about seven years ago and the reason I got into it was because there was a family law attorney in town who didn't want to do divorce anymore. She didn't want to do divorce because it was too stressful. So she would start sending her clients to me and she would say, hey, if you can work things out with Amy, then you can come back to me and I'll file the paperwork, I'll write the divorce decree. And when I started doing that, I started seeing
00:14:35
Speaker
what a great model this was because it saved time, it saved money, and it was a way more amicable approach to both parties hiring an attorney, and now the attorneys are trying to get 100% for each party, which isn't realistic. So anyways, that is how I got into it. And over the years, I've perfected that process of using, combining the financial and tax skills that I have with
00:15:04
Speaker
with a family law certification for the, you know, being a family law mediator. Excellent. Well, you're definitely saving a lot of time and headache, stress and money. So Amy, thank you so much for sharing your insights with us and, you know, just joining me on the podcast today.