Transcript
Speaker: Dirty Bee Reeves.
Speaker: Last week, we talked about all about the wonders that are contained in microplastics and why they're good for us.
Speaker: This week, I want to bring up another point that I hear people talking about all the time.
Speaker: And that is that the bees are dying.
Speaker: And look, I see it.
Speaker: Every time I go out on the tennis court, there are always dead bees just right there in the middle of the service box.
Speaker: Why do they go to there?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Does it look like a giant blue flower that they want to pollinate?
Speaker: For some reason, bees are attracted to tennis courts.
Speaker: Maybe the yellow balls look just like the pollen that they want to put inside their little bee bodies.
Speaker: Now, me personally, you're going to hear a lot of people say, we need the bees.
Speaker: We need them.
Speaker: Fuck that.
Speaker: I'm glad bees are dying.
Speaker: Killer bees, murder hornets.
Speaker: These are not good adjectives for an animal.
Speaker: What's next?
Speaker: Weapon wasps, bumbles with bazookas, yellow jackets.
Speaker: Are you flexing gang colors on me?
Speaker: You flying insect.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Remember killer bees.
Speaker: They were supposed to kill all of us.
Speaker: There was a movie that came out on Fox in the early 2000s, and it was called Killer Bees.
Speaker: And at the end of this movie, they showed where Killer Bees already were in America.
Speaker: Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, already with Killer Bees.
Speaker: But then they said, here's where they'll be in the next 20 years.
Speaker: The entire United States lit up red like my eczema was flaring on a horribly hot day.
Speaker: We were supposed to be killed.
Speaker: because it has been 20 years since that movie came out.
Speaker: We're supposed to be completely infested with killer bees.
Speaker: I thought by 2023, I was going to be riding on the back of a motorcycle, shooting a shotgun at hives while swarms came after me and somehow were able to keep up with my motorcycle.
Speaker: but they're not here.
Speaker: Remember, honey, I shrunk the kids when they have to ride on top of that bee?
Speaker: No, these kids don't need honey.
Speaker: We don't need any of those bees.
Speaker: Scientists are trying to tell us that we need the bees.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: Why do we need them?
Speaker: They're a weak species.
Speaker: When a bee stings you, do you know what happens?
Speaker: It dies.
Speaker: You get a little ouchy, a little itch, and the bee perishes.
Speaker: That's weak.
Speaker: If anything, they should get stronger with every single sting.
Speaker: No wonder these bees are dying.
Speaker: They're idiots.
Speaker: We need bees in this world.
Speaker: Like I need a limousine full of clowns to hold me down and shit in my mouth.
Speaker: Yes, it would be hilarious, but it's completely super superfluous.
Speaker: We don't need it.
Speaker: Now, some of you are probably thinking, but Alex, I love having honey with my tea.
Speaker: I put honey on top of my waffle in the morning.
Speaker: Honey tastes good.
Speaker: Well, honey...
Speaker: We make steaks out of lily pads.
Speaker: Excuse me.
Speaker: We make steaks out of lily pads at this point.
Speaker: You don't think we can artificially create a sticky goo?
Speaker: Maybe one that doesn't cost $48 for a tiny jar of organic bee poo?
Speaker: Because that's essentially what we're eating.
Speaker: These bees are just pushing it out of it like fecal matter.
Speaker: Gross.
Speaker: We're eating that and paying a premium price for it?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Some of you are going to write back and say, but Alex, bees pollinate 75% of the world's flowers.
Speaker: They're responsible for 35% of our crops.
Speaker: Guys,
Speaker: We're solving the AIDS virus in a laboratory.
Speaker: I watched a video a couple of weeks ago where a nanobot carried a sperm directly into the egg with by human controls.
Speaker: Do you realize the kind of advances we're making in science?
Speaker: And you don't think that we can create artificial bees, ones that don't have a stinger?
Speaker: We can make robot bees that not only pollinate our flowers and take care of our crops, they can take care of our children.
Speaker: We have a teacher shortage right now.
Speaker: People don't want to work because they're not getting paid enough money.
Speaker: Well, bees don't need a lot of money, especially robot bees.
Speaker: That's how I'm going to solve this problem.
Speaker: You know, some people, they attribute this quote to Albert Einstein.
Speaker: He said, if the bee disappeared off the face of the earth, then man would only have four years left to live.
Speaker: Are we going to listen to that to a man who didn't have time to cut his hair and wore the exact same lame sweater every single day?
Speaker: Stick to your math, Albert.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Leave the environment to the rest of us.
Speaker: Bees are useless.
Speaker: We don't need them.
Speaker: And if you think we do, then you're useless as well.
Speaker: You're probably wondering why I'm so passionate about this.
Speaker: It's because bees are a nuisance.
Speaker: They're annoying.
Speaker: Have you ever had a bee just come in through your window and try to live in your house?
Speaker: Well, fuck that.
Speaker: I pay rent here, bee.
Speaker: Where do you pay rent?
Speaker: Inside of a hole of a tree?
Speaker: Queen bees lay 1,500 eggs per day.
Speaker: 1,500 eggs per day.
Speaker: A human takes nine months.
Speaker: Are you guys smelling what I'm stepping in right now?
Speaker: We are so outnumbered by these fucking bees.
Speaker: We don't need that shit.
Speaker: And people will go, oh, but Alex, but the bees die.
Speaker: A thousand bees every day, die every day in a single hive.
Speaker: Okay, that means 500 of them are living.
Speaker: Do you want to be completely consumed by a giant bee population that takes over?
Speaker: Because I'm pretty sure our world is crowded enough already.
Speaker: Have you driven down the 405 freeway?
Speaker: Have you gone to a grocery store on Saturday morning?
Speaker: It's packed as fuck.
Speaker: We don't need these bees.
Speaker: Go ahead.
Speaker: Tell me that we do.
Speaker: Tell me that I'm wrong.
Speaker: Tell me that all the good things that bees do for society, they don't.
Speaker: Think about things that bees are involved in spelling, spelling bees.
Speaker: Lame.
Speaker: I'm a great speller.
Speaker: I don't need to prove it on a national stage against a bunch of other foreign children.
Speaker: No, I'm competent within my self.
Speaker: We don't need bees.
Speaker: We need beer.
Speaker: For sure, because without it, a lot of people would be reprehensible human beings.
Speaker: But bees?
Speaker: It's a buzz word.
Speaker: Literally.
Speaker: A buzz word.
Speaker: That's why people want to talk about this.
Speaker: We don't need them.
Speaker: We have survived everything for hundreds and hundreds and thousands of years.
Speaker: But the bees, if they can't hack it,
Speaker: Well then, bye-bye.
Speaker: Buzz off, bee.
Speaker: Because this world is for survivors.
Speaker: And if the climate is warming up and you can't take the heat, then get the hell out.
Speaker: Go back to where you came from.
Speaker: Go back to your little hive, you little worker bee.
Speaker: Go back and service your queen like you live in England in a monarchy.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Maybe try democracy.
Speaker: Maybe have an election.
Speaker: Bees.
Speaker: If I see a single bee at one of my shows, I will stop it immediately and squash that bee with my bare fucking hands.
Speaker: And I don't care if it stings me.
Speaker: Because, yeah, I might develop a little tiny red welt, but that bee will never exist again.
Speaker: We can live without them.
Speaker: And you can't live without subscribing to this podcast.
Speaker: So please, everyone, like, comment, share, subscribe, all that good stuff.
Speaker: Because we here at Dirty Briefs are debunking myths.
Speaker: We are telling the truth when others are afraid to do so.
Speaker: I'm not gonna lie to you guys, because I know you wouldn't lie to me.
Speaker: Follow me at Hooper Hair Puff.
Speaker: Go to HooperComedy.com for all of my tour dates, and there are a bunch of them coming up.
Speaker: Very exciting places, everybody.
Speaker: Texas, Arizona, Northern California,
Speaker: The Dakotas for the first time ever.
Speaker: And I know there's no bees hanging around the Dakotas because they don't have enough people there to sting because that's all bees do.
Speaker: They just get on you and then they press their butt into you and you go, ah, what was that?
Speaker: Every time that happens, go, fuck yeah.
Speaker: Another bee down.
Speaker: I'll see you next week, everybody.
