Transcript
Speaker: It's time for another Dirty Brief, so let's get dirty while we're keep it brief.
Speaker: Dirty Briefs coming into your mind.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Welcome to another episode, everyone.
Speaker: Another Dirty Brief is already underway, and this one I'm excited to do because I'm talking about one of my favorite things.
Speaker: Haters, are you one?
Speaker: Are you sucking down a glass of haterade after your sports workout?
Speaker: Huh?
Speaker: Are you going into the comments and just shoving all of this negativity and spreading it around like a dirty demon virus?
Speaker: Who are these people that leave negative comments on the internet?
Speaker: What is it about that little blast of dopamine that they receive
Speaker: That keeps them coming back.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: When you give someone that level of negative attention, does it somehow fill up your cup?
Speaker: Does it fill up your cup to the people that are out there doing it?
Speaker: Does it give you some sort of relief?
Speaker: Is there a reason why?
Speaker: Why you are trying to bring down a stranger.
Speaker: Because I know you wouldn't say these things to people in real life.
Speaker: I know you wouldn't walk up and go, hey, you fat demon troll.
Speaker: Fuck you.
Speaker: I know you're not going to say that.
Speaker: Because you don't have the guts.
Speaker: You don't have the glory.
Speaker: But for some reason, when you're sitting behind your little screen, all of a sudden, you're the most fearless individual that has ever walked the face of the earth.
Speaker: Now, I've gotten...
Speaker: a lot of hateful comments on the internet.
Speaker: In fact, I invite them, I embrace them.
Speaker: Because if you wanna say negative things about me on the internet and then share my clips about how terrible I am, thank you so much for doing me a favor.
Speaker: Because when you go in there and say, doesn't this person suck?
Speaker: Isn't this the least funny person you've ever seen?
Speaker: When you share that clip,
Speaker: Maybe one of your friends will think, actually, I thought that was pretty funny.
Speaker: And then all of a sudden they become a fan and realize they're friends with a piece of shit.
Speaker: So I thought I'd read you some hilarious comments that I've received because I'm very good about dealing with haters on the Internet and in real life because all they want is.
Speaker: is for me to come at them and start an argument.
Speaker: They want me to roast them.
Speaker: They want me to do whatever.
Speaker: They just want to get under my skin.
Speaker: Well, guess what?
Speaker: There's already too much eczema under my skin to have any room for you.
Speaker: So instead, I fight with love.
Speaker: Like, let's go with this example.
Speaker: Somebody was posting a lot of negative things on my feed.
Speaker: And so I sent them a message saying, hey, I'm happy you follow me, but please keep negativity off the page.
Speaker: We support each other here, even if it's in goofy ways.
Speaker: Pretty nice.
Speaker: This person's response, fuck you.
Speaker: Moron, believe me, I am the good guy, not you.
Speaker: You're just too fucking stupid to understand.
Speaker: Stuck up, self-righteous asshole.
Speaker: So I responded, well, when I post this screenshot tomorrow, I think everyone will agree, you're the good guy.
Speaker: Thanks for being here.
Speaker: To which they responded, are you the stupidest person in the fucking world?
Speaker: What are you exposing?
Speaker: The negativity I'm spraying all over your page for all to see, which is why you messaged me in the first place?
Speaker: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Speaker: That is a lot of that smarky face.
Speaker: Don't worry, I will read this aloud on stage, you fucking asshole.
Speaker: To which I said, please do, I bet it will crush.
Speaker: Because I think it would.
Speaker: Because obviously this guy is a good guy.
Speaker: Let's go to another one.
Speaker: Ooh, this is good.
Speaker: This person in my page, in one of my clips, said, I just want to beat this deranged motherfucker up.
Speaker: That's pretty aggressive.
Speaker: So I responded, you might have some anger issues.
Speaker: Do you want to talk before you do something you might regret?
Speaker: And they responded, LOL.
Speaker: Actually, I do have serious anger issues currently working on myself.
Speaker: And I have to admit I'm failing miserably.
Speaker: LOL.
Speaker: Thanks for asking, though.
Speaker: Well, look what we just did, everybody.
Speaker: We took a negative comment, a potentially violent person, and we made that person recognize their fault in their own character just by responding in a positive way.
Speaker: A lot of people have said, Alex, I don't know why you do that for these people.
Speaker: Why don't you just eviscerate them because you know you can?
Speaker: Sure, but then nobody learns anything.
Speaker: Then I'm arguing with some random stranger on the internet telling me I suck, which means their feelings actually do affect me.
Speaker: And guess what?
Speaker: They don't.
Speaker: When I see someone make a comment like this, it is a cry for help.
Speaker: And if no one else in their life is going to step up, then me, a stranger who lives thousands of miles away, will be the person that does it.
Speaker: You want to hear another one?
Speaker: You are the joke because you can't write them.
Speaker: I think we can all disagree with that statement.
Speaker: I think I know how to write a pretty good joke.
Speaker: But how I responded to this one, a person that said, you are the joke because I can't write them, said, hi, Tom, I can tell you're in pain and that's okay.
Speaker: Life is difficult sometimes and we all cope differently.
Speaker: But I see you have a son.
Speaker: Instead of focusing your energy on a stranger, what if instead you used that anger, or what if you used it instead to give more love to your family?
Speaker: I'm here if you need to talk.
Speaker: I love you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's what I told this person.
Speaker: I went into his page, saw that all of his pictures were him playing with a toddler, and I thought, this person has to have a better way to spend their life than going on the internet and making fun of me, a person that they don't know, especially when a little tiny person is relying on them for security, safety, and entertainment.
Speaker: You gotta do better than that, Tom.
Speaker: You gotta do better.
Speaker: Let's do one more.
Speaker: The only thing more embarrassing than you is your dignity on AGT.
Speaker: Oof.
Speaker: Oof.
Speaker: So this one got sent to me in 2020.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: I responded with, Hi.
Speaker: I'm guessing you would normally open with a greeting, but I'm sure coronavirus has you feeling scared and unsure.
Speaker: Don't worry, though, friend.
Speaker: I sincerely hope only the best comes for you and your loved ones during these troubling times.
Speaker: Stay happy and stay clean.
Speaker: Love you.
Speaker: Look at that.
Speaker: Telling him to mask up.
Speaker: Telling him to wear his PPE.
Speaker: That's the way I like to deal with things.
Speaker: Because when people respond saying, this person's fucking gay, dude.
Speaker: Who cares?
Speaker: Why would I let that affect me at all?
Speaker: Even if my best friend, if my wife told me I'm fucking gay, I wouldn't let that affect me at all.
Speaker: I'd wonder why she married me and why she chose to tell me this while we were in the middle of sex.
Speaker: But even still.
Speaker: You can't let these people get to you.
Speaker: These people are hurting so much more than you will ever know.
Speaker: If that's how they're spending their free time to go in there and trash others, then they're not worth your time.
Speaker: I'll tell you what is worth your time.
Speaker: Seeing me live.
Speaker: HooperComedy.com for tour dates, everybody, because I just added a whole bunch.
Speaker: And, of course, at HooperHairPuff on all social media.
Speaker: Subscribe right here to Dirty Briefs because every single week I'm just talking.
Speaker: I'm flapping my jaw.
Speaker: You don't know what it's going to be.
Speaker: Some weeks it's silly.
Speaker: Some weeks it's serious.
Speaker: Some weeks it's just pure fun.
Speaker: But it's always dirty and it's always brief.
Speaker: So come back for more.
Speaker: I will see you next time.
