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The Russian Invasion of Auckland, 1873
38 Plays6 years ago
In this episode Josh and M take a step back to 1873 and report on the reporting of a Russian invasion of the port of Auckland, and the various conspiracy theories that surround it.
Learn more about M's academic work on the Philosophy of Conspiracy Theories at:
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Transcript
Introduction from Auckland
00:00:03
Speaker
the podcaster's guide to the conspiracy. Hello and welcome to the podcaster's guide to the conspiracy. My name is Josh Edison. Despite the change in surroundings, I remain in Auckland, New Zealand and also remaining but not for much longer.
Dr. M.R.X. Dentist's Move to Auckland
00:00:20
Speaker
in Bucharest, Romania, is Dr. M. R.X. Dentist. It is true. The end of my time here is coming, and very soon I will have come from Romania back to Auckland, Aetoro and New Zealand. Yes, that sentence almost works, and I'm going to stick with it. Yes. Soon I'll be coming home. You sure will.
Scripted Humor
00:00:42
Speaker
But before then, we still have another episode to record, an episode that promises to be our most scripted episode to date.
00:00:49
Speaker
barely any independent thought will go into the recording of this episode, and that's just the way we like it. It's true. This is the time of year where thinking is not exactly necessary. It's surplus to requirements was actually the term I was trying to think of there. But yes, we're going to have a bit of surplus
00:01:07
Speaker
thinking going no that doesn't work at all no this is one of these things where i'm just not in the mood for thinking so let's hit the script i think so and eventually we will have to go off script and go off pissed as one is want to do yes it's normally pronounced pieced unless you were
00:01:25
Speaker
Talking about something else. I was talking about something else, but let's never bring that up ever again. Righto. To the news!
World-End Predictions
00:01:32
Speaker
To the news. We begin this week's news section with an update. The world has not ended. We repeat, the apocalypse has failed to transpire, and existence continues pretty much as it always has.
00:01:54
Speaker
witches dreadfully.
00:02:04
Speaker
Turns out that didn't contain all of the evils in creation awaiting their release to Asher and Armageddon. It was just a few mummies in some red liquid. Ah, but what red liquid? The prosaic assumption that it was just sewage water leaking in from a nearby building was not good enough for some who instead made claims it was some sort of mummy preserving a lecture of life or even the fabled red mercury because
00:02:33
Speaker
The liquid was red. Ah, there's no real point to this update. I just wanted to call back to the episode we did on Red Mercury last year. Good times. Good times.
Bigfoot Conspiracy
00:02:46
Speaker
Moving on, did you know that Bigfoot is a satanic conspiracy? I did, but I can't tell you how. Just out of curiosity, how do you know that Bigfoot is a satanic conspiracy?
00:03:00
Speaker
Well, and here we must acknowledge the diligence of Twitter user CaptainHowdy for bringing this to our attention. Religious right radio host Janet Method recently interviewed author and former Family Research Council fellow Tim Daly, who revealed the truth that Satan is behind various paranormal phenomena like UFOs and Bigfoot sightings.
00:03:24
Speaker
While these phenomena might not really exist as physical entities, they're part of a demonic virtual reality perpetrated by the Lord of Lies himself. I suppose next you're going to tell me that the point of Satan appearing as Bigfoot is to engender fear in we mortals?
00:03:42
Speaker
and to open us up to the possibility of other worlds and alternative realities, making us more susceptible to the occult and demonic possession? Stop reading from my script. Never! Daly also takes the fact that no good physical evidence or photography of Bigfoot exists as further proof of satanic involvement. He makes sure to only manifest these sightings in poor lighting or unfavorable conditions, specifically so
00:04:05
Speaker
will remain uncertain and confused. But Satan, he's just that sneaky.
Putin and US Elections
00:04:09
Speaker
Well, Lord of the Lions and all, talking about sneaky, frenemy of the show Vlad Putin is said to be at it again. This time he's going to hack the midterm elections and make Democrats unwinnable to ensure the continuation of the Trump Imperium. Well, that sounds like a radical idea and I'm going to need some evidence, young
00:04:29
Speaker
young conspiracy theory theorist? The evidence is of course the usual unnamed intelligence sources. They claim Putin's agents will force the Democrats to pick unwinnable candidates thus ensuring election victory for Trump, his acolytes and all mugger hat wearing people this side of Westeros. Surely that overlooks the fact that a Democrats are perfectly capable of picking unelectable candidates on their own
00:04:56
Speaker
And some of these so-called unelectable candidates, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, seem quite electable. Indeed. You could claim this conspiracy theory exists solely to justify gatekeeping by more conservative Democrats stopping the party from leaving the centre and heading towards the paradise of the left.
Democratic Party Conspiracy
00:05:18
Speaker
So why are we talking about this anyway? Well, because of its source.
00:05:22
Speaker
It sources Scott Horton of the New York Times, and he believes this to be the case, and it's causing quite a lot of consternation from Democrats, who have rightly pointed out that this means that any failure to win seats in the midterms can be placed on Russia, rather than the selection committees, which is not exactly a good look. Fake news? If not fake news, dangerous speculation. And now, for an unplanned segue.
Assange and Ecuador's Embassy
00:05:50
Speaker
Yes, we move on to Julian Assange.
00:05:52
Speaker
News from Green World's outfit, The Intercept, suggests that the Ecuadorians are looking to kick him out of the embassy as soon as this or next week. Although follow-up reporting from the USA News indicates that while the current president of Ecuador, Leonin Moreno, thinks Assange is a stone in his shoe, there are no moves afoot to de-stone him, shake him out of his footwear, cover him in moccasins and send him on his way. You get the idea.
00:06:16
Speaker
The conspiracy in this is the why, and the why now. Assange got Ecuador into trouble with the support of Catalonian separatism, which is about the time he lost access to the outside world via the internet. So there is suspicion that the real reason for Assange's imminent deportation is due to pressure from Spain. Although as there's only rumor here that Assange's asylum is under threat, this could all be just idle conspiratorial speculation.
Novichok Poisoning Speculation
00:06:43
Speaker
And talking about conspiratorial speculation, that was Rush's response to the latest claims about the Novichok poisoning in Wiltshire. Ah, the first set, not the second set. My, but getting poisoned with Novichok in Wiltshire is all the rage at the moment. I'm sure David Farry's second season of Dark Tourists will be looking into it.
00:07:02
Speaker
Hmm, so what's the Novichokian news? Well, unconfirmed reports leaked to the BBC say that the Metropolitan Police claim it was the Russians who poisoned the Russians. Revalatory, and the confirmed reports?
00:07:19
Speaker
Nothing. You see, the press association claims the police have identified the suspects, but the UK police and even its security minister have claimed this is just specious reporting. The Russian foreign minister is saying he won't respond to such speculation until he hears something concrete from British authorities,
00:07:37
Speaker
So at the moment we have journalists saying it's definitely the Russians, the UK authorities saying it probably is but the investigation is ongoing, and the Russians saying it definitely wasn't them and wasn't the World Cup just awesome. So this isn't actually news?
00:07:54
Speaker
No. Well, that's a usefully useless update. More lack of news as it comes to hand, I
James Gunn and Past Mistakes
00:08:00
Speaker
guess. And now, a look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe. We turn to James Gunn correspondent Josh Addison for details. Thank you, Em. The Marvel Cinematic Universe, or MCU, has been rocked by the news that director James Gunn, who directed the first two Guardians of the Galaxy films, has been fired for tweets nearly a decade old, which were rude, crude, and not very Disney friendly.
00:08:22
Speaker
Now, this isn't particularly new news, is it, Josh? Gunn had previously apologized for those tweets, hadn't he? He had, and it's important to note that we here at the Podcaster's Guide to the Conspiracy are in no way defending said tweets. They really are offensive and juvenile.
00:08:36
Speaker
but Gunn has admitted his early attempts at humour are things he would never try now, but they have resurfaced, and when Disney, the studio behind the MCU, saw them, they fired Gunn immediately. I see. So what's the conspiracy angle on this? Well, what's interesting about the resurfacing of these tweets is who is leading the charge on the story? One Mike Cernovich. One of the key figures behind the Pizzagate conspiracy theory?
00:08:59
Speaker
That's the one. Mike Cernovich, the person who has falsely accused a multitude of journalists and indeed anyone anti-Trump of either being pedophiles or supportive of pedophilia in Hollywood. That would be him, yes. Mike Cernovich, he who wants IQ tests for immigrants and believes that there is a white genocide going on? Yes, and before you get to the obvious next point, he's also the Mike Cernovich who has his own personal history of rape tweets. Oh, that I did not know.
00:09:27
Speaker
Oh yes, Mike Cenovitch has a history of justifying or explaining away rape on Twitter, although he's gone to some lengths recently to scrub this from the online record. So, I guess the story here is rape-apologist gets former makes jokes about rape person fired? That, and the fact that not only has Cenovitch based his attack on gun as justified because it helps expose the pedophile ring in Hollywood,
00:09:48
Speaker
But new targets are now being found, like Dan Harmon of Rick and Morty fame. He filmed a series of sketches about a baby-raping psychologist as a pilot some years ago. That's not a good look. It was meant to be a parody of the show Dexter and the trope of a horrible person with a heart of goal, but no, it's not a good look.
00:10:08
Speaker
So in short, the internet never forgets, and sometimes people who do bad things can weaponize the bad things you've done against you. Yes, all your faves are problematic, as the kids say. And that was our MCU update.
Free Speech Coalition Update
00:10:21
Speaker
Finally, an update on the Stefan Molyneux and Lauren Southern issue from a few episodes ago. The Free Speech Coalition has withdrawn its legal action, having declared victory.
00:10:32
Speaker
Yes, it seems the legal action was less about free speech and more about attacking Auckland Mayor Phil Goff. As soon as the Auckland Council said Goff misspoke when he said he had barred Sutherland and Molyneux from using a council venue for their talk and that the real decision was made on safety and health grounds by one of the council's arms, the Free Speech Coalition declared victory and moved on.
00:10:51
Speaker
However, Gough has also declared victory, saying that the Free Speech Coalition backing off in this case shows that the Council's stand against hate speech in Council-owned venues was principled and justified. Basically, everyone thinks they won this. But the most interesting part of all this is the curious fact that the promoter of the Molyneux and Southern Show also admitted that while this putative legal action was going on, they were indeed looking into alternative venues to give their talk.
00:11:18
Speaker
Which kind of sounds like they weren't banned at all, just barred from using a particular venue. Which we said a few weeks ago. Even more interestingly, they now claim to have a venue, but they aren't going to tell anyone about it. So take that Auckland Council. And potential audience members. Hmm, what will the Auckland Council do next? Well, let's travel back in time to 1873 and find out.
Russian Invasion Hoax Article
00:11:45
Speaker
Finally, let's get timey-wimey.
00:11:50
Speaker
This week, we are travelling back in time to Victorian-era Auckland, and a news story which frankly might surprise you. You know what that means? Oldy-timey voices! Indeed, the amateur players of the podcast's Guide to the Conspiracy present War With Russia, or... A Calamity for Auckland.
00:12:12
Speaker
We start our story on the morning of the 17th of February, 1873. Readers of the Daily Southern Cross, a major newspaper in Auckland at the time, saw the following story featured on page three.
00:12:26
Speaker
Notwithstanding the telegraphic communication from England to Melbourne and the periodical intercourse by steamer between New Zealand and the Australian ports, the sudden declaration of war between Russia and England, arising out of the Central Asian difficulty and the dishonesty of the Emperor of Persia, was only made known to Auckland yesterday by one of the greatest calamities that ever overtook the colony, an event productive of grave disaster to New Zealand and destructive of the ancient prestige of England and her boasted supremacy as sovereign of the seas.
00:12:52
Speaker
That event was the sudden appearance of the hostile, iron-clad man of war, the Kaskowiski, which took possession of the British warship lying in the waters of the White Matar, seized our principal citizens as hostages, demanded a heavy ransom for the city, and emptied the coffers of the banks of all the gold and specie they contained. Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Wilde.
00:13:12
Speaker
The consternation which for a time overwhelmed the people of the province who were made aware of this nefarious and audacious transaction, which is utterly at variance with the laws and practices of modern warfare, may be understood by the reader, but cannot be described here.
00:13:28
Speaker
At this moment we are under the complete domination of Russia, our own guns of our own man of war being pointed against the city, ready to be opened on us at any moment that the barbarous caprice of her captors may select. A domiciliary visitation to the officers of this paper for daring to publish this narrative that will probably have taken place ere these lines meet the eyes of our more distant readers.
00:13:52
Speaker
Duties of public, however, demands that we set down the particulars of this terrible visitation, regardless of any consequences or temporary loss or inconvenience to ourselves. Before describing the circumstances of this untoward event, we must compare the actions of the British cruisers during the Crimean War with this piratical proceeding which our northern enemy has adopted, and which has degraded the chivalry of modern war to the level of mercenary robbery.
00:14:16
Speaker
In the Baltic and in the Black Sea, in 1834-5, no cannon of ours desolated unfortified towns, no predatory visits were made by our warships, no blackmail was levied, our very provisions were liberally paid for when we landed at any part of the coast of Russia, which was without fortification. It is true we captured Bormosund, seized the Alland Islands, bombarded Sverborg and many other places, and sent a hostile expedition to the Shironosius.
00:14:41
Speaker
These were fortified cities and stations held for strategic purposes, and were fair marks for the guns of an enemy. But on no occasion was an armed town assailed. Even when bent on destruction, our guns were carefully directed against fortifications and arsenals only. The civil quarters of a city were religiously spared. We never asked for ransom. We treated the people of the country with more kindness and consideration than they met at the hands of their own troops.
00:15:03
Speaker
The Russian repays this forbearance by taking advantage of a few days of prior intelligence, under her superior force suddenly displayed, committing robbery which civilised nations will denounce as soon as it is known. Littly do we now regret the absence of that telegraphic cable which should shortly directly connect New Zealand with Europe. These considerations have, for a moment, delayed the narrative of events which we now proceed to detail.
00:15:25
Speaker
The steamer Wongawonga left on Saturday afternoon with a large number of passengers to Australia. On Saturday night, a little after midnight, three rockets were sent up from the vicinity of the north head, their sticks in a still fiery condition falling in the neighbourhood of Devonport Hall. It is supposed that there was treachery on the north shore, and that some spies had arranged this as a signal to teach the Kaskawiski the proper time to enter the harbour.
00:15:52
Speaker
Of this there is no certainty, and the strict surveillance kept on the harbour prevents the possibility of inquiry. It should be mentioned here that this vessel, as we learn from the statement of one of the crew, a native of the United States who was found by our shipping reporter on the Bestian Rock, which it appears was first taken from a fort and which was reconnoitred by a boat's crew who left the American behind by mistake, was built on the Alaska Peninsula.
00:16:15
Speaker
Alaska, as is well known, was sold by Russia to the United States some years ago, but by a baseness of treachery which only the lack supervision of our consular agents could have rendered possible, the government of Washington had permitted the secret construction of this ironclad in that remote region so that when the time came for action she might enter the Pacific
00:16:32
Speaker
and, unannounced, pouts upon the unprotected colonies of the British Empire. She has a complement of 953 men officers, all told, is provisioned for a year, carries two 30-ton guns, and is machinery for the manufacture of the deadly water gas invented by the late General Todobin, and only now practically employed in warfare by Russia the sole depository of the secret. This gas can be injected into an opposing vessel from a considerable distance, and so stealthily as to not be discovered until its paralyzing effects have done their work.
00:17:00
Speaker
Its strength can be modified so as to either ignite of its own motive and blow up all and set on fire all inflammable material with which it comes into contact, or it might be so diluted as to cause a mythic vapour to overcome all the animal life within the range of its inhalation.
00:17:14
Speaker
This explains the easy seizure of our brave defenders and our warship into and over which this fatal gas was poured, but we anticipate. At seven o'clock on Saturday, the Wongawonger, well off Kawan, described a large vessel hull down, steaming apparently toward her. After a short time, darkness came on, and she lost sight of the ship.
00:17:34
Speaker
At 8.10pm, a shot was fired across her bowels. She slowed her engines, and a boat came alongside. In parentry tones, its occupants demanded that she was weatherbound and her cargo. On obtaining a reply, the order was given, in good English, to lie to as a prisoner of a Russian ship of war.
00:17:54
Speaker
On hearing this, a gallant naval officer, who was on board the Wonga, with the aid of some passengers and crew, lifted a small cannon off of the carriage, raised it over the bulwarks, and dropped it into the boat. A loud crash followed. The feat was successful. The gun stoved the boat, and in a moment she sank, leaving the crew struggling in the water, helpless.
00:18:18
Speaker
All lights on Bald the Wonga were immediately extinguished. She altered her course and made for Auckland, but she saw, as the moon rose, that the great speed of the Russian ship, 17 knots an hour, was too much for her, and that unless she sought refuge in some of the harbours on the coast, she would inevitably overhauled and captured.
00:18:40
Speaker
Accordingly, she made for shelter to Maharangi, and, a point of land intervening between her and her pursuer, she evaded the chase. The swift-tailing Kata volunteer was providentially in the river at the time of her arrival, and the captain of the Wonga dispatched her to Auckland with a favouring breeze to apprise the authorities of their danger.
00:19:18
Speaker
and had gone off at full steam to resume the chase of the Wonga, for the double purpose of preventing her carrying the intelligence to Australia, and of avenging the destruction of her boat and crew, and at the same time making a prize of the ship and a treasure and gold dust which she carried.
00:19:23
Speaker
It was too late
00:19:32
Speaker
Heaven help the crew and passengers and save our Australian towns from the power of this almost invulnerable vessel and the scientific apparatus for dealing death and destruction." Arriving stealthily in our harbour, and without showing any lights, the Karskowiski sent her submarine pinners, well manned, and with the pathetic water gas apparatus on board, towards our warship.
00:19:53
Speaker
This new invention, silently proceeded, sailing six feet below the surface of the smooth water of the Whiter Mutter, and, rising at the distance of a cable's length, projected the fatal gas on the vessel. Heavier than our atmospheric air, this vapour speedily penetrated the interior of the ship, producing semi-suffocation to all on board.
00:20:16
Speaker
The watch alarmed those below, but it was again too late. Six boats laden with marines surrounded the vessel, and she was boarded. The captain and some of the officers of our ship, with a handful of the crew, weak and almost breathless, attempted to face the borders, but without effect. It was resolved to fire the magazine and prevent the foe from taking the vessel.
00:20:39
Speaker
Taking instructions from the captain, who was overcome by the vapour, one of the lieutenants crawled below. He was seen and followed by one of the Russian officers, who cut him down as he was about to fire a pistol into the magazine, the hatch of which was then closed.
00:20:55
Speaker
There was a brief struggle on deck. The fainting blue jackets were overpowered, the ship was in the enemy's hands, and she now lies with the hated double eagle floating at the main, above our lovered meteor flag of England. Then came the extortion of the enemy. Detachments had been sent ashore during the night. They took possession of the armory and magazines with all the arms and ammunition in the city. The telegraph officers were occupied to prevent the transmission of the news of this disaster to other places in the colony, and particularly to the Thames.
00:21:25
Speaker
The telegraphic station at Onihanga and all stations within 40 miles of Auckland were occupied by strong guards. The steamer Golden Crown was seized on a body of 80 men armed with short repeating rifles and strengthened with four rocket tubes to fire the town if necessary was sent to Graham's Town in order to take the treasure from the banks in that town.
00:21:44
Speaker
There could be only one result, but we have heard nothing of it, as, although the enemy permit the passing of ordinary telegrams, they have their own English-trained telegraphists. For obvious reasons, they allow nothing to pass along the wires respecting their own proceedings. During the night, the captain of the Russian ship, Vice-Admiral Herodskov, landed with a body of Russian marines and sailors, armed with cutlasses and repeating needle carbines.
00:22:08
Speaker
He proceeded to the provincial council chamber and then sent messages commanding the attendant to the superintendent of the province, the mayor of the city, all the bankers and bank directors and members of the assembly. These gentlemen were ordered out of bed and amidst the dismay and terror of their families were led to the council room. On their arrival they were placed in the centre of the chamber, the armed men with carbines loaded and bayonets fixed lining the walls of the room.
00:22:38
Speaker
Seated on the speaker's chair, Admiral Heronskopf, in good English, read a requisition demanding immediate payment of one and a half million of rubles, £250,000 sterling, as a ransom for the safety of the city, and intimating that, if the money were not paid within three hours, he should retire to his ship and burn the town.
00:23:00
Speaker
He first asked what the superintendent had to produce from the provincial chest, whereupon his honour exhibited the treasurer's accounts, and proceeded to prove that the province had no accumulated savings, that the assets had entirely disappeared in consequence of recent financial arrangements under the hands of his officials. He proposed that the general government should be applied to, as from his own experience he knew there were funds in that shaker.
00:23:27
Speaker
He was proceeding to show the means by which the money might be forthcoming from Wellington when he was interrupted by the Admiral, who said he should see to that port himself with which the Superintendent had nothing to do, and he should take care he should never should, and he discautiously added that in Russia his honour would have been kneltered and sent to Siberia for daring to construct such a balance sheet as he had produced.
00:23:52
Speaker
Mr. Sheehan, MHIR, and Mr. Lusk, provincial secretary, both lawyers, humbly suggested that the action of Russian Admiral was in contravention of the laws of war. Mr. Sheehan quoted from Vettel at the wrong place respecting the law of nations, and Mr. Lusk sought to show the invalidity of the whole proceedings, but with a bow admitted his error and dropped to the rear when the Admiral haughtily waved his hand towards his armed face and remarked that the presence proved the perfect propriety of his action.
00:24:18
Speaker
Mr. Lusk then also referred to Vettel and affirmed the general validity of that author's well-known work. But the Admiral, with that diplomatic training and right knowledge which Russian training gives to her officers, demolished his argument by stating that Vettel's works were merely a synopsis of the works of Puffendorf, Grotius, and others, and that he was often wrong in his generalizations, and drew many false conclusions because he admitted from his premises the practice of nations and displayed an ignorance of the principle of utility in our time, so generally adopted as the test of international morality.
00:24:47
Speaker
The admiral added with something of bitterness that he did not come to dispute but to command, and he desired to hear no more of such law. Mr Creighton, MRH, proffered as his contribution to the ransom the secret for smelting our iron sand at one process, which he said would be a great boon to Russia, at the same time suggesting to the superintendent that a pole tack should be levied on the people of the province to recoup himself and his partners for the sacrifice.
00:25:13
Speaker
Both proposals were instantly rejected, the admiral scornfully remarking that Russia had long been in possession of the secret and was only waiting until it was convenient to annex Norway and Sweden in order to apply the discovery to Swedish iron. The next person interrogated happened to be Mr. Swanson, MHR, who said he would consent to advance a large sum of money, less exchange, but was told that it would be taken from him with or without his consent.
00:25:39
Speaker
On behalf of the new national bank, Mr. W.H. Graham and Mr. Hain, the manager, said they were anxious to save the city from ruin and offered to provide 50,000 pounds, or one fifth of the sum demanded, on the security of the English shareholders, but were sternly informed that with such security to back them, they ought to provide double the sum. Mr. Thomas Russell said the Bank of New Zealand was prepared to give 50,000 pounds, but on the sum being declined too little by a fifth, he agreed at the suggestion of some of the directors to provide the other 10,000 pounds. The representatives of the other banks
00:26:09
Speaker
were ordered to finish their quota, and armed parties were told off, in charge of their bank managers, to ransack the cellars for specie and gold dust they contained. During their absence, someone suggested that the old floating paper in Auckland, and the mining script, should be tended as part of the ransom. But the proposal was derided, with scorn by the stern Russian.
00:26:30
Speaker
It was not a moment for Mirth, but the suggestion brought a smile to many of the anxious faces, which looked upon the hard, impessive face of the self-appointed judge. After the lapse of half an hour, the detachment would return from the banks, with all the gold and silver that could be found. It amounted to only
00:26:51
Speaker
131,098 pounds sterling, 17 shillings, and six pence, little more than the half of the amount demanded. Admiral Heronskoffs threatened the lives of the gentlemen who were before him, and at last gave orders to have them taken on board the Kalska whisky, stating that immediately after daybreak, he would sail in pursuit of the Wonga Wonga, and if he overtook her and found sufficient gold on board to make up the Somme, he should land his hostages at Fiji.
00:27:19
Speaker
He then rose, the hostages were marched downstairs and placed in the centre of a hollow square formed by the sailors and marines, and in this fashion they were marched to Winyard Pier on the dull, grey of the peaceful-looking morning, put on board two boats and taken to the Karskowiski, which almost immediately after steamed out of the harbour, leaving the town, as we have said,
00:27:37
Speaker
and to the mercy of the prize crew put on board our own warship.
Satire on Auckland's Council
00:27:41
Speaker
We have given a narrative of this terrible disaster as succinct as it could be managed in the circumstances. The grief of the community it is unnecessary to parade. Deep as that is at the loss of our treasure,
00:27:53
Speaker
A far deeper pang fastened on each heart to think of the dishonour this affair has cast on the British flag and the British nation. Lord Granville promised to defend England's colonies with England's last ship and her last shilling. Russia has taken both in Auckland waters. From the depths of our despair we cry. Where is the British Navy?
00:28:16
Speaker
And with that plant of cry, the news story ends. So, Josh, why is it no one back home knows that Auckland was invaded by Russian forces in the late 19th century? Well, that's an interesting question. Precisely why I just asked it. We've just read a news story which indicates there was an invasion of Auckland by Russia in 1873. I believe the reason why nobody knows that Auckland was invaded by Russia back in 1873 is that Auckland was not.
00:28:45
Speaker
invaded by Russia in 1873 and in fact the news article which we have both just read out in in our most dubious of accents. I'm feeling a little bit little bit little finger now to be honest a wee bit of that
00:28:58
Speaker
the whole sort of shifting accent thing. It just goes where it pleases. Yeah. See, I once once you went down the path of doing the really quite stereotypical Victorian accent, I thought, no, I can't compete with that. I'm going to go with a kind of stick stato Victorian reading style. But I didn't feel like I could compete with the accent you had there. So I have no idea what that accent even was. It just sounded old, old fashioned. Anyway, yes. So this was a hoax article published in February
00:29:29
Speaker
of 1873, there were hints there that it was a hoax. I mean, obviously, this is before, well, the internet, obviously, they're just sort of talking about telegraphs and so on. So a story like that could be published, and it could be some time before someone found out that it wasn't actually true. And yet it was notably dated the 18th of May, despite being published in February, which was one clue that it wasn't above board. And of course, the name of this supposed Russian warship
00:29:59
Speaker
is the cask of whiskey, which I assume is a vaguely culturally stereotyping joke.
00:30:05
Speaker
Well, it's because the editor of the Daily Southern Cross at that particular point in time was a Scottish person by the name of David Lucky, so he had quite deliberately put that in as a clue. So yes, you have the fact that the story is dated two months into the future. The Russian warship is literally named Kask of Whiskey. It also only appears on page three.
00:30:29
Speaker
You would think that if there was an invasion of the capital, well, not the capital, the capital had been moved to Wellington by that point. You'd think if there was an invasion of the largest city in Auckland, that would be front page news. And it's strange enough, it's on page three. And I noticed it did. It wasn't just a sort of war of the world's wacky little, little hoax. Let's have a laugh by making people think something has happened there.
00:30:55
Speaker
There seemed to be a bit of a political satirical bent to it when he was going on about how hopeless the council has appeared to be and making pointed comments about the insufficient funds and the council's coffers and so on.
00:31:10
Speaker
So I assume he was making a bit of a point there? Yes, so basically there are two points being made by Lucky with this basically fictional bit of editorializing. One of which is, yes, the Auckland Council at that time was thought to be very badly mismanaged.
00:31:27
Speaker
and that funds were basically being squirreled away by members of the council for their own particular interest and not being spent on the province. It's also quite interesting that he characterises the senior members of the council as being willing to sell out to the Russians almost immediately. So there's no honour there. These people are trying to feather their own nests. And if a new master comes along, they're willing to give over to that master.
00:31:54
Speaker
So there's quite a lot of heated criticism of the way the Auckland Council works. There's also the fact that he's pointing out it would be quite trivial for a foreign power to come and invade Auckland. So even though
00:32:10
Speaker
The Commonwealth was being governed at that particular point in time by the British Empire. We were one of the imperial colonies of the larger British Empire. There were no warships in our waters, which meant that warships from Russia or from the US would be able to easily take Auckland, and we really had no kind of defence. So he's also pointing out that for a colony of the UK,
00:32:36
Speaker
The UK doesn't seem particularly interested in looking after us. And indeed, I think this must have come up before when we've been talking about North Head. But I recall from the talks we've attended at North Head that when it was a bit after that was during World War One, wasn't it? When we had American ships here, it was found that they also had plans to
00:32:58
Speaker
shell us if they needed to. Like that was the thing that actually happened. In the early 20th century, America decided it needed to show that it had a naval fleet worth taking notice of. So in the early 20th century, the British Navy was still the largest navy in the world. And in the late 19th century, the American Navy was a very, very outdated naval force. It was wooden ships versus the modern ships the British were using.
00:33:27
Speaker
So in the early 20th century, America assembled what's called the Great White Fleet. This was a modern naval force, ended up being the second largest navy in the world at the time. And to show America's naval power, the Great White Fleet went on a tour of the world. And so in about 1907, or was it 1908, the
00:33:53
Speaker
American Navy arrives in Auckland. In fact, it was the 9th of August 1908. They arrive in Auckland to demonstrate their power and the government of New Zealand at the time went, well, you know, America should be our friend, please come and visit. But what the government of the time didn't know was that the American fleet was basically taking stock of the coastal fortifications in Australia and also in New Zealand.
00:34:22
Speaker
to work out whether it would be easy enough to conquer said countries. And in six days, the Americans delivered a report back to Congress in the US, pointing out that it would be absolutely trivial to take over Auckland as a port and start conquering the country.
00:34:43
Speaker
And there was a reason behind this at that particular point in time, the biggest threat to America in the region of the Pacific was Japan. And America was concerned that if there was a fight between Japan and America,
00:34:58
Speaker
the British would come on side with Japan. And because the British had the largest navy at the time, that was a serious consideration. America would have needed naval bases in the region to be able to mount proper counterattacks against any British influx of ships and troops. Well, there you have it. Yes, I mean, he had a point, I guess.
Public Reaction and Conclusion
00:35:23
Speaker
But so far, we've basically seen an amusing by 1873 standards hoax, what you could quite literally call fake news, I suppose, these days, in terms of this being the podcaster's guide to the conspiracy, though.
00:35:40
Speaker
I suppose if you look behind it at the sorts of things it's implying, there are conspiracies there, aren't there? The councillors who have supposedly been conspiring behind the backs of the honest, tax-paying Auckland citizen to feather their own nests, and possibly
00:36:01
Speaker
Is conspiracy the right word for the British angle? Certainly the fact that it was thought that the British were neglecting their duties towards us and placing their priorities elsewhere, I suppose. Yes, I suppose it's not necessarily a conspiracy that the British weren't actually that perturbed by the protection of their colonies in the southern seas. Although, of course,
00:36:23
Speaker
Westminster went on and on about how important said colonies were. So at least the official line was New Zealand and Australia are important parts of the Empire and we will protect them to our dying breath. But of course the actions they actually were committed to didn't indicate that at all. So there could be a kind of story there about an official cover-up to
00:36:47
Speaker
Excuse the fact that actually the British Navy wasn't in our waters at a time that people in New Zealand actually wanted them to be. Well, there you have it. Obviously, yes, it was a hoax. The nation was not thrown into disarray by it. The next day, the daily Southern Cross followed up with another story, sort of making fun of the first story and also of the fact that some of its readers were somewhat incredulous enough to have believed it.
00:37:19
Speaker
The Colonist, a newspaper based in Nelson, ran a story about the effects of the hoax, basically just taking the piss. We have the text of the article here, but I think after that last little bit of dramatic recreation, I don't know if both my vocal chords and our listeners' patience would
00:37:41
Speaker
put up with reading the whole thing out, but basically it's just a whole bunch of people believed this hoax, weren't they silly, hahaha. Although it does contain one excellent line, which is an old naval man poured on his uniform whilst his wife was reading the account, but before he sellied forth to the barracks, she discovered the footnote said, oh Iabart, it's only a hoax.
00:38:02
Speaker
Hoax be adjectived was his reply as he proceeded to take off his war paint. Hoax be adjectived. What a wonderful phrase that is. It's a nice bit of old timey language in there as well. There are a few a few lovely more archaic turns of phrase.
00:38:19
Speaker
But I think there you go, really. An interesting little piece of history there showing that the phenomena of fake news is certainly not restricted anyway to this present moment in time. Although I suppose, once again, this is a hoax article. It wasn't necessarily designed to persuade anyone. In fact, the editor goes in to try and make it obvious you should not take this seriously. It's on page three. The Russian warship is called Karskowiski.
00:38:48
Speaker
And the events are meant to occur two months into the future, which is a little bit Prince of Darkness. Well, yes, yes. I suppose these days the term fake news does refer to news which is fake, but which is being presented as true, which doesn't really count for hoax. But anyway, you get the picture. So I think that brings us around about to the end of an episode. Now, as we've suggested multiple times already, there will not be an episode next week.
00:39:14
Speaker
Uh, the good Doc Denteth will be back in New Zealand nursing a severe bout of jet lag, I assume. I assume I will be nursing a severe bout of jet lag and hopefully also a vegan pie. So we'll let you get your rest next week. Um, and then the week after that, we'll be back to co-locating. We will, but co-locating in Milford, not Takapuna. Oh, good. Where's Milford? Just north of Takapuna, isn't it? Yeah. Right. Yes. I know very little.
00:39:42
Speaker
of the geography of about half my city and an even smaller percentage of the geography of my own country, to be honest, really. That's what you get for living in Auckland, quite frankly. That's true. That's where all the people are. You, though, are a citizen of the world. I assume, you know, everywhere and everything at all times. Yes, I know where all the gold is located in every part of the world.
00:40:02
Speaker
And where all the specie is located as well. That's an oldie, tiny word specie, by the way, it's basically another it's another word for gold and silver. It's just one of those terms which you go we've we've learned something new as well.
00:40:17
Speaker
has disappeared from English. So for listeners, I had to transcribe an awful lot of that article from a scan of the article on papers passed, which is part of the National Library of New Zealand, which contains old newspapers. There was an OCR version of the article, but the original scan was of such deplorable condition that I had to actually fix up an awful lot of it by hand.
00:40:45
Speaker
And there were a lot of words going, surely, surely that's just an OCR issue. No, that's a real Victorian word, which has left common usage completely. Well, there you go. So I guess we should let you go and pack and get your papers in order and leave some sort of
00:41:10
Speaker
last-minute booby trap for those who come into your flat after you. Oh, if only I could leave a last-minute booby trap, but the lease on this apartment is ending when I go and there'll be no other fellows ever staying here, so I can't leave coded messages to other fellows behind paintings and the like. It will never ever amount to anything. Oh, that's a shame.
00:41:33
Speaker
Oh well, we look forward to having you back in the country. We being me, I guess, and I assume other people. I assume other people as well, otherwise it's going to be very sad. It will. So in that case, we will see you, the audience, next week. No, no, no, not next week. Next episode, next time. In two weeks time, yes.
00:42:01
Speaker
which at which time I will also see you, my co-host, with my own two eyes and not via the medium of Skype and what fun we'll have. And thus we will be able to get around the fact that Skype has become progressively worse. It really has, yes. Skype is a pain in the bum and I'll be glad to be shot of it quite frankly. Yes, goodbye Skype. Goodbye. And good riddance, Skype. Good riddance. Yes.
00:42:26
Speaker
And goodbye to the rest of you, but not good riddance. Just just goodbye. Yeah. Goodbye You've been listening to the podcasters guide to the conspiracy it is written researched and performed by Josh Addison aka monkey fluids and MRX dentist aka Conspiricism on Twitter this podcast is available where all good podcasts can be found as well as iTunes hot beam and stitcher
00:42:56
Speaker
It can also be watched on YouTube. Just search for the podcaster's guide to the conspiracy, or, if you happen to be technophobic, consult the auguries. You can support the podcaster's guide to the conspiracy via our Patreon page, as listed in the podcast description, or just by searching for us on Patreon.
00:43:19
Speaker
You can also support us via the Podbean patronage system, if that is more your style. You do you. If you want to get in contact with us, why not email us at podcastconspiracy at gmail.com, or find us on Facebook. And remember, they're coming to get you, Barbara.