Transcript
Speaker: Hello there, I'm Dr. Autumn, leadership consultant, wellness coach, author, and I'm incredibly grateful to be your host of the Align Living podcast.
Speaker: I'm here to equip you with the tools, inspiration, and practical tips necessary to lead a life of wholeness and pursue greater shalom in your life and that of your families, teams, and communities.
Speaker: My mission is to empower you to lead from a place of holistic wellbeing. It's time to say, peace out to the fatigue, fog, and frustration of living in a place that lacks abundant wellbeing.
Speaker: Join me as we embark on a comprehensive exploration of spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, and economic well-being, all within the comforting embrace of one podcast.
Speaker: Hey, good people. Welcome back to the Aligned Living Podcast. Dr. Autumn here. o I am excited about this episode, let me tell you. And I actually stumbled upon it by accident, what I want to talk about today, because I was recording within my Aligned Living membership community a lesson for like youth athletes and families called Level Up.
Speaker: And i um had said the phrase, we don't rise to our intentions, we fall to our systems. And it hit me afterwards that that is so, so powerful and relevant to living an aligned life. And I just cannot wait to share with you today what I have on my heart, because as you know, my goal and my intention with you that I've created systems around to be successful is to share with you information that will help you actually move from where you are to where you want to be. Because oftentimes we have this gap, we get stuck, we don't know what to do next. Like that is what Align Living is all about. And I continue to identify things that impact our choices. And this one's going to be so significant.
Speaker: And so I want you to know that we don't rise to our intentions. We need to build a life that can follow through. So that's what we're going to talk about today. And mind you, I am not a motivatal motivational speaker.
Speaker: You know, my gift is not inspiration. My gift is to help you understand practically what is happening in your body. Like that is why I'm a doctor. Like that's where it comes from. I understand the biology, the physiology of how our bodies work that inform these things that I talked to you about. So it's coming from a place of science and also a place of spiritual formation because I also understand that. And so it's bringing the whole thing together. How did God wire us and what do we need to do so that biologically we can make the choices that best support the direction that we want to go? Okay. And so um for just purposes of like a gold nugget to hold on to, what I want to leave you with, and then I'll jump right in.
Speaker: is our intentions, our good intentions, give us direction, okay? But our systems give us the capacity to actually follow through.
Speaker: Okay, so that is what we're going to focus on today. Now, I think That statement right there explains so much of the frustration we experience in life. Because most of us, I would say, have good intentions for a lot of things. We intend to eat healthier. We intend to exercise. We intend to go to bed earlier and take sleep more seriously. We intend to spend more time with God.
Speaker: Many of us, you know, love that there's a loving God in our lives, but we don't spend time with him. ah We intend to. Many of us intend to be more present with our kids. We intend to call the friend. You know, episode 33 was all about relational well-being.
Speaker: And sometimes we want good, healthy, reciprocal relationships. We intend to have them. But do we put things in place to get us there? We intend to finally set a boundary. How about that one?
Speaker: That one could be quite difficult, right? If we do not have a system in place to follow through. We intend to stop scrolling. Like, I want to start this business. I want to have time to volunteer. But you end up doom scrolling for hours. Like, again, intentions are not enough.
Speaker: We intend to work on our marriage. We intend to build community or manage our money better. We intend to take care of ourselves or finally pursue that thing we keep saying matters so much to us. So you feel me? You see where I'm going here? All right. I'm going to give you the practical tips, though. That's that's what I'm all about.
Speaker: And yet there's this there's this enormous gap right between what we intend to do and what we actually do. We often interpret that gap as a character problem. you know Why can't I just be more disciplined? I hear that all time. like, Autumn, you're so disciplined. No, it's actually that. I mean, yes, there's discipline involved, but it' I'm strategic.
Speaker: I go beyond intention by building a system in my life that supports where I want to be, right? You might ah be saying to yourself, why can't I just get it together? Or why do I keep saying this matters to me and then not doing it? Okay, but what if follow through isn't simply a matter of wanting something badly enough?
Speaker: What if your intentions are asking something of you that your current systems aren't actually supporting? And when I say systems, I want us to think much bigger than your planner or your morning routine. Okay, everything's a system, right? Your body is a system. Your brain is a system. Your nervous system is a system.
Speaker: Your relationships form a system. Your home environment is actually a system. Your workplace is a system. Your schedule is a system.
Speaker: The food available in your kitchen's part of a system. The people you spend time with are part of a system. I want you to start thinking so much bigger because I'm big on paradigms. And if our paradigm is not serving us, we need a paradigm shift or we need to grow our perspective.
Speaker: Let's continue your sleep patterns, your stress loads, your habits, finances, your physical environment, your spiritual rhythms, even the things constantly competing for your attention are interacting with one another all day long. They're part of the systems you've created. So maybe, maybe the better question isn't.
Speaker: Why don't I have enough discipline to do what I said I wanted to do? Maybe the better question is what's happening in my system that's making this intention difficult to live out?
Speaker: going say that again. What if the better question is what is happening in my system that's making this intention difficult to live out?
Speaker: Your brain doesn't operate separately from your body. Okay. Saying that statement almost sounds silly because you're like, yes, of course, autumn. But sometimes we operate as if it does.
Speaker: So let's start physiologically. Okay. Your brain requires resources. It needs sleep. It needs energy and nutrients and hydration. And actually it requires requires recovery well.
Speaker: as well And when those resources are compromised, we shouldn't be surprised when things like attention, emotional regulation, decision-making, impulse control, and motivation just become harder, okay?
Speaker: Think about how different you are when you've slept eight hours versus when you've slept four. OK, same person, same values, same goals, same intentions, but a very different physiological state. OK, and suddenly the decisions that seemed easy yesterday feel enormously difficult today. There's a reason for that. OK, think about trying to make a thoughtful food choice. All right.
Speaker: When you're rested and you've eaten balanced meals all day versus standing in the kitchen at 930 at night, exhausted, stressed, and super hungry. All right, very different state.
Speaker: We love to make these moments moral, like I have no self-control. But sometimes there's a much simpler question. What state was your body in when you were asking it to make a decision?
Speaker: That is so powerful. Again, what state was your body in when you were asking it to make a decision? How many times I've talked to so many people like this, you know, position, let's say somebody is like, I need to deal with this now. Or, um you know, ah you know, instant gratification, feeling like I need to make a decision about this now. And I'm like, well, is your body right?
Speaker: and the the other people involved in an ideal state to be making the best and wisest decision at this moment. Okay? That's why I talk so much about getting to the root, the foundation, the root cause, right?
Speaker: Because behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum. Your choices are being made by a living, breathing human body. All right. So that being said, your nervous system matters a lot.
Speaker: This is why when I talk about physical stress or mental, emotional, all of it, inevitably you have to talk about stress management. Stress changes the equation too. When we're chronically stressed, overloaded, anxious, constantly moving from one demand to another, our bodies are trying to help us manage what they perceive as immediate needs.
Speaker: And that matters when we're talking about follow through, because the version of you who's calm and rested and connected and regulated has access to capacities that become harder to access when you're depleted and overwhelmed. Again, this sounds like common sense, but because it's a physiological reality, we can't force ourselves if we're not putting our body in a more ideal state to do the thing we want it to do. You may fully intend to respond patiently to your child,
Speaker: But if you've been running around all day, you haven't eaten, you're carrying stress from work, your phone is buzzing at you and the house is completely chaotic and then your child melts down, your intention towards patience hasn't necessarily changed, right? You still want to be patient, but your capacity has.
Speaker: That's an important distinction. And this is where compassion and responsibility can exist together. All right. I often, when I'm doing coaching, I'm like, you know what you got to do, but also extend yourself grace, right? Because if you don't extend yourself grace, you're going to put yourself in this cycle of stress and poor self-talk and it'll make the following through on responsibilities harder, right? So compassion responsibility can exist together.
Speaker: Understanding your physiology is not an excuse to behave however you want. Absolutely not. It's actually information. And once you have that information, you actually are more responsible for stewarding what's next better because now you know.
Speaker: So again, it's information. It gives you something you can actually work with. Instead of simply saying, I need to try harder to be patient, you start asking yourself, what helps me have the capacity to be patient?
Speaker: Maybe you need five minutes between work and walking into your house and that is okay. It is self-awareness, it's good honesty, and it is wise. Maybe you need to eat before you pick up your kids or maybe you need fewer notifications.
Speaker: Maybe you need more sleep. People laugh at me when I talk about sleep and how routined I am with my sleep. i don't go to sleep the same time every night, but I consider when I need to wake up. And um I do prioritize getting enough sleep on most days because I know I have a lot of responsibilities. I need my mind thinking clearly. I want to show up well in this world for people around me.
Speaker: You know, so sometimes I like I could be looked at as like a nerd. Why are you taking this so seriously? But it's a wise. OK, maybe you need to stop scheduling yourself at 100 percent capacity and then wondering why one unexpected problem sends everything sideways. Again, if you go two episodes back, episode 32, I interviewed k Chrissy Weeks and we talked about she's an executive director of a fantastic nonprofit in D.C. And we talked about having an interruptible life.
Speaker: how that is so important for your overall well-being. If you're scheduling yourself at 100% capacity, you're not going to have the margin to have an interruptible life. And I talk about in that episode, her and I do, ah why this is so important for your well-being. Again, this is systems thinking. This is how you go from just good intentions to actually having the capacity to follow through. And the funny part is I've been having a lot of conversations with people about follow through. Let me tell you, I'm not going to get personal here, but This is interesting because it gets me thinking why sometimes I get frustrated with people's inability to follow through.
Speaker: But if people aren't putting themselves in the environment where follow through, if they don't have the capacity, I'm making excuses for them and I have my own personal boundaries. But at the same time, it's like your follow through directly related to your capacity. Your cap capacity is directly directly related to the systems you create in your life. Okay?
Speaker: So your environment's constantly making suggestions. It is. Think about that for a second. If you move outside your body and you're looking at your environment around you, your environment is constantly making certain behaviors easier and other behaviors harder, a.k.a. what are the types of people you surround yourself with?
Speaker: Go back to episode 33 on relational well-being. You know, what what are those people you're surrounding yourself with? or if you want to make healthier choices in the kitchen, what kind of food do you stock your pantry with? What's in your fridge? OK, our environment is constantly making certain behaviors easier and others harder. If you intend to drink more water but never have water with you, you're depending on yourself to remember over and over again.
Speaker: People that know me, actually, I sometimes I remember walking. out I was at a conference that I was going to be speaking at and I had two water bottles in my hand. They're like, yo, I know that you are some health person of some sort. I mean, literally I had two 32 ounce water because water bottles with me because one was just water. And the other one, I had some B vitamins and other like natural, healthy stuff in it for natural energy because I don't drink coffee and things like that.
Speaker: So have it with you and then you're super hydrated. if you intend to eat more whole foods, but your kitchen is not stocked, every meal requires yet another decision. If you intend to work out, but haven't decided when, where, what,
Speaker: You don't know what you're doing. You've created multiple points of friction between intention and action. If you have a plan in place, it makes it so much easier. I got my shoes ready to go, my clothes ready to go. I know exactly where I'm going and what time.
Speaker: that Then you're creating a system that will support your follow through. If you intend... to spend less time on your phone, but your phone sleeps right next to your head. Every app can notify you whenever it wants. You've created an environment that's competing against your intention.
Speaker: And I tell you, I could keep going and going and going. So many examples. I'm sure you're thinking of some right now. If you want to have a peaceful morning, but you stay up until midnight. If you want meaningful friendships, but your calendar has no margin. If you want to cook dinner, but you get home exhausted with no food in the fridge. You want to spend time with God.
Speaker: But every quiet moment gets automatically filled with your phone. Let me tell you, we can't keep building environments that contradict our intentions and then blaming ourselves when the environment keeps winning.
Speaker: I want you to win. I want you to win so badly. That's why I sound like this, honestly. I'm so passionate about this. I want you guys to live an aligned life. Like, stop letting fragmentation win.
Speaker: We need the environments and the systems that support your success, that support you having the capacity to do what you want to do so that your intentions actually come to fulfillment.
Speaker: OK, make what matters easier for you to do. OK, so the people around you are a part of your system. Let me say it again. know I said it earlier. We're gonna talk about this again because it's super important.
Speaker: We don't talk about this enough. Relationships are systems, too. We're in this very individualistic society and it's like, OK, I'm going to work on my physical health, my mental health, this and that. And then we think about these other things as, you know, extra. But relationships are an important part of our system.
Speaker: We affect one another. We just do. The people around us influence what feels normal, what gets reinforced, what gets celebrated, what gets questioned, what we believe is possible. All right. Like think about the narratives you tell yourself and how they've been influenced by the people around you.
Speaker: You can have every intention of becoming healthier, but if every social interaction in your life revolves around behaviors you're trying to change, that intention is going to require significantly more effort.
Speaker: You can intend to create margin, but if you're surrounded by a culture that glorifies busyness, saying no mate may feel like failure. One of my favorites, I love saying, you know, because I'm a leadership development person. So I'm like, no is one of the greatest gifts to a leader. Now, mind you,
Speaker: You know, because spiritual formation is also very important to me and what I'm teaching you. So, you know, in obedience, if God tells you to say yes, say yes. But if God says say no, say no, that's more important than people pleasing because then you'll be able to show up more effectively in the other areas of your life.
Speaker: You can intend to grow spiritually, but if nothing in your relationships reinforce or support that growth, you're asking yourself to sustain something entirely alone, which we know is more difficult.
Speaker: Now, this doesn't mean you abandon everyone who doesn't share your goals. Absolutely not. Right. Because part of social well-being is, yes, we need those life giving reciprocal positive relationships. We don't need toxic relationships in our life. But at the same time, there should be spaces and places we go where we're just intent on giving back and making a difference.
Speaker: So again, we're not abandoning everyone that doesn't share our goals, but we just need to be wise about it. Understanding this is a system and part of our system needs to support where we want to be. You know, it's it's just recognizing something deeply, deeply human.
Speaker: We are not designed to flourish entirely through individual effort. I don't care how much you think that's possible. We're not designed that way. We need community. We need accountability. We need people who remind us of who we're becoming.
Speaker: We need people who make healthy choices more normal than more difficult. And sometimes one of the most important systems changes one of the most important system changes that you can make is changing who has regular access to you okay Talk about it, right? Right, Autumn? So let's think about that. Let's think about it.
Speaker: All right. So your brain learns what you repeatedly practice. It does. Now, I've talked about this in in my membership community. I talk a lot about this. I have different modules and the mental well-being module. Talk a lot about brains and thoughts.
Speaker: um I have some of my favorite people that I reference frequently. but The brain's fascinating, right? it It learns what you repeatedly practice. um So repetition, your brain is constantly learning.
Speaker: The things we repeat become increasingly familiar. Patterns then get reinforced. Cues become associated with responses. All right, yeah I'm trying to help you understand that that's what like muscle memory for your brain.
Speaker: You know, it's wonderful when this pattern supports us, but it also explains why knowing better doesn't automatically mean doing better. right? So the neurons in your brain, let's say there's a negative thought pattern that's leading you to do something you don't want to do. You can actually, that's what neuroplasticity is. That word is becoming more and more common. We can actually change the brain neuron matter to be healthier and guide us to make the choices we want to make. But it is just like training for a sport. If I want my jump shot to be fire, I got to take hundreds of thousands of shots.
Speaker: That also means if I want my thoughts to support where I want to be, I have to practice rewiring what I'm thinking, creating healthier, better patterns. Okay. You may know that picking up your phone every time you're uncomfortable is not helpful, but if you repeat that sequence hundreds of times, boredom will equal phone. Stress will equal phone. Awkward silence will equal phone. Waiting will equal phone.
Speaker: Loneliness will equal phone. And then your brain has learned an incredibly efficient response, even though it's not supporting where we want to be So we have to rewire and to rewire, we have to be intentional up front. When I coach people through a 30 day nutrition, we so reset those first you know couple weeks are tough because every time let's say you're bored or stressed and you reach for, oh,
Speaker: I can't, I can't reach for that. That's not supporting my goals right now. I'm focused on this, you know, healthy living habit right now. You know, same thing with your phone. You got to do it over and over until it becomes easier.
Speaker: Changing that pattern is not simply making one really passionate decision that you're going to stop. You have to begin practicing another response and do it over and over and over again. That's why small repeated choices matter so much. It's not just completing a habit.
Speaker: You're literally teaching your system a new way to respond. All right. So sometimes the problem isn't motivation, it's friction. How much friction do you got in the way of where you want to be? And another term, maybe some people like the word barriers better. OK, I want you to think about something you've been saying you want to do.
Speaker: Think about it for a second. something you've been meaning to do, maybe for weeks, maybe for years, instead of asking yourself why you aren't motivated enough, ask yourself, what where's the friction? What is getting in my way?
Speaker: Let your intention, okay, lets so let's say your intention is to exercise three times a week. Where does your system break down? You don't know what workout you're doing. You haven't blocked out the time. Your mornings are chaotic. You're staying up too late to get up early. You don't have childcare. You hate the gym you've joined. Like, gosh, like you haven't eaten enough and you feel depleted by the afternoon.
Speaker: That's a lot of friction. You're trying to start with an hour when 15 minutes would actually be sustainable. Okay, those are very different problems and try harder solves almost none of them. But identifying the friction gives us something we can change, right? So this is a totally, this is a perspective shift big time.
Speaker: All right. So want to start thinking about your goals, As it relates to the systems around you and what what friction is getting your way of getting to where you want to be. Create a better system to support your goals so you have the capacity, again, to meet your intention.
Speaker: And this this is why alignment matters. Like when I was praying before I started my company, I'm literally like, God, like what do I call it? And it was a holy moment.
Speaker: This word alignment, matters. It matters. This is ultimately like, so when I talk about aligned living, um The idea is that your your physical well-being isn't separate from your emotional well-being. Your emotional health is not separate from your relationships. Your relationships aren't separated from your schedule. Your schedule is not separated from your finances and so on and so forth. Your finances definitely aren't separated from your stress. Stress isn't separated from your sleep.
Speaker: Sleep isn't separated from your food choices. Like, let me tell you, your spiritual life isn't tucked into some separate little box that has nothing to do with any of it. It has something to do with all of it.
Speaker: Everything is integrated. We are just integrated human beings. There's no way around it. It's how we are biologically and spiritually created.
Speaker: So when one part of the system is struggling, we want to get curious about how it's affecting everything else. Now, maybe, just maybe the reason you're struggling with your spiritual rhythms isn't because you don't love God enough.
Speaker: Maybe you're chronically exhausted, Maybe the reason you aren't connecting with friends isn't because relationships don't matter to you. They do, probably. But maybe you've built a schedule with absolutely no margin.
Speaker: Or maybe the reason you keep eating foods that don't make you feel good isn't because health isn't important to you, but it's because you're getting home at 7 p.m., you're starving, and you have nothing prepared. Maybe the reason you aren't pursuing the dream you've been talking about, I know that resonates with some of you, you know, it's been three, four years.
Speaker: It's not that it's not serious or that you're not serious about it. It's just maybe your current life has no protected space for creativity or thought or risk, right?
Speaker: Again, this isn't about removing responsibility. It's about putting responsibility somewhere useful. Instead of repeatedly judging ourselves for the outcome, And let me tell you, as somebody with a tough self-critic, I've had to work through this. We can start talking responsibility for designing the conditions that make the desired outcome more likely. There's a much more positive way to look at it, right? So intention still matters. Remember, intent good intention still gives you direction.
Speaker: And I don't want you to hear me saying that intentions don't matter at any point. Okay, they matter. Intention, again, gives us direction. It tells you something about what you value, but it's just the starting point, right? Intention says this matters to me.
Speaker: The system asks, if it matters, what have I built around it? If your marriage matters, what rhythms protect it? If your health matters, what does your kitchen reflect? If sleep matters, what does 9.30 p.m. look like?
Speaker: You know, if community matters, where does it exist on your calendar? If generosity matters, does your budget make room for it? If your spiritual life matters, what repeatedly brings you back into the presence of God?
Speaker: If being emotionally present with your children matters, what protects your capacity to actually be present? This is where our intentions become embodied, OK?
Speaker: So my challenge to you, I want you to do a systems audit. All right, that sounds so boring, but actually can be very exciting. What I want you to do this week, choose an intention, not 10, not three, just one. Pick one and something you've been saying that matters to you, but you haven't consistently followed through on. OK, write it down.
Speaker: It needs to be physically written down. And then don't immediately make another goal. Instead, audit the system around that goal, that thing you want to do. Where's the friction? What better system can you build to give you the capacity to follow through? You know, look at your body. What does my body need in order to have the capacity to follow through?
Speaker: Look at your environment. Does my physical environment make this easier or harder? Look at your schedule. Is there actually space for what I say matters, right?
Speaker: Look at your relationships. Who reinforces this direction in my life and who's making it harder? Look at the friction. What unnecessary decisions or obstacles sandage stand between me and this behavior, right?
Speaker: Look at repetition. What pattern am I currently practicing instead, right? And finally ask yourself, What is one change I can make to the system that would make the aligned choice easier? Write it down.
Speaker: Not guaranteed, just easier, because that's what we're after, all right? So stop demanding that willpower carry your whole life, right? If I was just more disciplined, if I was more disciplined. I'm telling you, you don't need to engineer a perfect life where you never have to make difficult decisions. That's impossible.
Speaker: There'll be nights you don't sleep well. There'll be stressful seasons and interruptions, of course. There'll be travel and sick kids and deadlines and disappointment, lots of disappointment and unexpected demands.
Speaker: But your entire life shouldn't require you to overcome your environment fast. physiology, schedule, habits every single day just to live according to your values, right? So willpower is never meant to carry the weight of your whole life.
Speaker: Build support around what matters to you, okay? Create the margin, reduce the friction, fuel your body well, protect your sleep, pay attention to stress, shape your environment, choose your community intentionally,
Speaker: Practice the behavior you want to become familiar and create rhythms that bring you back when life inevitably knocks you out of rhythm. Because maybe the question isn't, how badly do I want it? know you guys want this.
Speaker: And the gap stays the same, right? But it doesn't have to. Maybe it's, have I built a life that supports this? OK, so your intentions tell you where you want to go. It's the direction. This full circle back to the beginning of what I shared with you.
Speaker: Your systems influence where you actually keep going, though. All right. Align living is about bringing these two things closer together so that your life act that you're actually living, right, increasingly reflects the things that matter most to you. That's what alignment is.
Speaker: We're bridging that gap. So I hope you found this helpful. As you can tell, I'm incredibly excited about this idea, this concept. um So again, don't let 24 hours go by after listening to this where you have not thought through one intention and then considered the system around it that's supporting you in this intention. Where does the friction friction exist that I could start carving away at that?
Speaker: And I guarantee i mean, ah I shouldn't say guarantee, but you are going to be better for it. So anyways, thank you for listening in. The last thing I want to leave you with, if you have found value in the content here with Align Living, please consider leaving a review. I listen to some podcasts that I absolutely love. And at the end, you know when they ask for reviews, I'm like, sure, I want to support them. But understanding the why makes it more likely that I'll leave a review. And the why is because we want more people to benefit from this, right? Like, you know, people in your life stressed out, living fragmented lives, talking about having an attention, not following through year after year, send them this episode. But if you leave a review, somebody you don't even know,
Speaker: is going to stumble upon this podcast because it makes it more accessible, the more positive reviews that are left. And so do that for me, if you would like, no pressure. I'm just helping you understand the why, because that's what I do with Align Living, right? We do things when we understand the reason behind it.
Speaker: So anyways, until next time, stay aligned.
Speaker: Thank you for tuning in to the Aligned Living Podcast. I'm Dr. Autumn, your guide on this journey to shalom or wholeness. Ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation?
Speaker: Head over to autumnswain.com to learn more and to dive deeper into the world of Aligned Living. Until next time, stay aligned.
