Transcript
Speaker: Action! Welcome to the Captains and Coaches podcast. We explore the art and science of leadership through lens of athletics and beyond. I'm your host Tex McQuilkin and today is all about mourning the loss of our team and completing our season.
Speaker: couple weeks ago I took a trip up to Boston for some captains and coaches workshops and I stayed, prolonged my trip for an extra few days to stay with a dear friend, college roommate, co-captain, our senior year of our college lacrosse season.
Speaker: And we have not shared a locker room or a house in a long time. And it's been seven years since I so saw him in person, 18 plus, since our final lacrosse season had ended.
Speaker: And every textbook definition would say that our team, being teammates, that has adjourned. However, within one minute of seeing him, he was already back to busting my balls and nothing's changed.
Speaker: Mostly because I pulled up into his neighbor's driveway. His family watched this whole thing happen, including his two daughters. I unloaded my car, closed my trunk, and then I hear a, hey, we're over here, stupid.
Speaker: in front of his four-year-old daughter, now calling attention that I was parked in front of the wrong house. So even though I had been to this house before, I couldn't recall. Stupid, exactly. So he's not wrong.
Speaker: Many meals were shared in those few days, and it flowed from fun to serious and back and forth. And it was an awesome experience, enriching, getting to meet his little girls for the first time.
Speaker: This is not a team that ended. This is a team that has changed shape. And today we're talking about the stage of team development that no one coaches.
Speaker: adjourning, mourning the loss of your team. Teams that stay together well after the last game and why the work that we did in season, the work you're doing right now as an athlete, decides what is left when the final whistle blows on your last performance.
Speaker: So three captain's workshops in four days across two cities, that's what drove me to Boston. The first was at Pat and I's alma mater, Marymount University, and they brought me in to work with all the team captains from all the sports. It was an awesome experience. I was a three-year captain there. I knew exactly who I was talking to because I was that person.
Speaker: And it was the place also that I first started my coaching career as a graduate assistant coach way back in 2009. And walking back on campus with this purpose of captains and coaches and where it all started and my relationship with my head coach, it hit different.
Speaker: And You remember the the experiences like you were 20 back then, and you remember your teens, the good times, the bad times, the wins, the losses, and it was special each year.
Speaker: and And I mean special for the the the shenanigans and the people that were on my team. And so that this particular workshop, it was set up right in front of our basketball arena as you walk in beautiful sunlight, Hall of Fame, right next to me from all the sports. And I was presenting in front of two placards from two of my teammates.
Speaker: It was an awesome experience to be a part of and relive those leadership moments and help the people that Man, I needed these lessons that I was teaching way back when and a lot of discovery there.
Speaker: So that that from there, I went up to Boston to lead two different experiences. One, a workshop for high school. All the team captains for the fall sports, similar message that was experienced within the the college at Marymount.
Speaker: And then I took on another experience, and this is what I want to highlight today. It's when University university of Massachusetts, Boston, La Crosse, Division III school in Southie, and man, do they they have an awesome team and experience. So...
Speaker: I built the whole workshop with them on Tuckman's rules for developing a team, which I'm going to get into here. So we have five stages, forming, norming, storming, forgive me, forming, storming, norming, then performing, all leading up to that.
Speaker: And when I went up to to Boston, I did not cover the morning. It didn't quite click for me yet. And I went to teach these teams, but I ended up completing the lesson that I was looking for. I ended up living the lesson of the morning when I got to spend time with my good pal, Pat. So that's what we're going highlight here. So quick overview of Tuchman stages. This is bru Bruce Tuchman. This is 1965 when this tool was developed. Forming, everybody is polite. Nobody wants to rock the boat. Think about the first few team meetings before the practice starts. We're all listening to each other, pretend to be friends. There's not yet some disagreements.
Speaker: Eventually, this gets into competition. Storming, conflict shows up, power struggles, arguments, competitions for limited playing time is expressed.
Speaker: This role that was supposed to be mine as a junior or senior, well, coach did a great job and recruited a freshman. That is going to push me for that time. Storming, we're discovering. Then we get to norming stage. Roles get clear, trust starts to be built,
Speaker: And eventually that leads to performing real interdependence. work My performance is relying on you and your performance is relying on me. And the team starts to come together, gel and almost run itself if it's done well.
Speaker: So that's 1965, a tool that is still used today, especially in sports. However, in 1977, Tuchman and a woman named Mary Ann Jensen, they added a fifth stage to this team group development, a journey.
Speaker: Some people call it mourning, and depending on the season, sometimes it is mourning. The task ends, the group disbands, people feel relief, sadness, and sometimes humor that only makes sense inside the circle, inside jokes. I hope to be a part of some one day, right? Nearly 50 years later, here we are, and this is one of the most used models for team development out there.
Speaker: I lean into it for my workshops, especially this one with the the beacons, UMass Boston Lacks. So another cool thing, again, diving into the research, newer researchers push back on Tuchman for this being too linear.
Speaker: I like this model so I can teach a framework in each window that I know is inevitable for these teams, give them the tools that they can be prepared for. It's an accelerated learning experience in peacetime with simulated wartime but teaching them those tools for them to recall when they truly need it.
Speaker: I agree. Yes, it is taught more linear, but it's a tool for us to teach in certain windows. Real teams, they have loop. They will backslide forward, backward. Kids will...
Speaker: come back from injury. So somebody was too comfortable in their role. Well now the best player's back from injury and I need to change we're gonna have storming conflict or there's a new transfer in during the spring semester.
Speaker: So stuff will always show up and get us into storming. Do we have the tools to be be like water and still come together and continue the mission for us to perform? Because the schedule is set.
Speaker: Can I get to a performing stage by the time it's tip off or face off, whatever sport we're playing? So I love that critique for this conversation because it means adjourning is not a door that closes.
Speaker: It's a loop. You reform different settings, same people, new season for teams. But now I get to hold on to the lessons if I'm entering into life in the real world and think about, okay, hey, leaders lead.
Speaker: I remember stepping into a new team or I recall when I faced adversity for the first time and all the other great interview questions that we can prepare em for, like give them real life stories.
Speaker: So, Here's what I noticed. We coach the first four stages hard. And i I've done this. I told you how I teach this. So captains learn to break the ice. Coaches teach conflict resolution, I hope.
Speaker: least say I do. And we chase performing. The schedule is out there. We know who we're playing and when we're playing and how much time we have to prepare for them. And no one coaches a journey.
Speaker: We hand out the banquet, the plaque, we say goodbye, good luck, great work, awesome to have you. Don't let the door hit you on the way out for some kids. But every athlete you coach will adjourn. Their season, their athletic career, it will end. Every single one.
Speaker: The question is not whether your team ends. And this is what I really started to realize working with the Beacon's lacrosse team and staying with my pal.
Speaker: The question is what survives the ending? And here's the twist. What survives a journeying gets built in storming, gets built in our season.
Speaker: You cannot mourn what you never built. Teams that skip the hard conversation adjourn as strangers or acknowledge teammates, but not friends, not buddies, not willing to sacrifice for one another once the season is over.
Speaker: And this is with the message I started to truly understand and it came to me with the beacons, those lighthouse leaders, and I wanted to to to bring it to everyone here.
Speaker: Hold each other accountable now, in season, not later, not when it's convenient, now. And four things will build that bond. And this is really what came to me live during the workshop working with the team.
Speaker: It came down to four things with the stages that are going to build that bond. Accountability, banter, candor, and conflict. so we're going to go through those. Accountability. You show up when you said you would. You do what you say you're going to do.
Speaker: And when a teammate does not, you say something. See something, say something. Captains, this is the friend versus the leader tension that I know too well, and I know you feel it as well. But...
Speaker: Being a friend, it feels safe. Being a leader means the hard sentence. And best friends I have are the ones who said the hard sentences and I respected them for it. They respected me for it. And it built our team and our bond more so than ever.
Speaker: Okay, then we have banter. Banter is not just jokes and jabs. Banter is proof of trust that we can give and take. We can give feedback. We can receive feedback in a light, joking manner.
Speaker: You only roast the people you know can take it. And you only know they can take it from the people you... No, have your back. So if I'm giving banter and I see that they close off or they get they get defensive, I'm extremely less likely to tell them what to fix and when because they're going to blow up and bark back at me when I'm trying to help them and help the team.
Speaker: So see where bander is touch points. I feel it's going to be somewhere close to 70% to 80% of the touch points that we have across our 40-person roster, however much it is. so So 70%, 80%, most of our conversation is lighthearted. It's fun, having a good time.
Speaker: Then we get into candor. Candor is telling the truth when the truth costs you something. And this is the film session where your teammates say, hey that was on you. Or I mean during a practice.
Speaker: You miss an assignment. Okay, I ah see what you did what you're saying. I'll get it next time. It's not my bad. We're acknowledging exactly what they said and providing a correction and a solution.
Speaker: And you nod because it's all right. and they got your back. And then now that creates a bridge for me to tell them when they missed an assignment or they were not aware of something that happens.
Speaker: And based off our touch points and our trust, they're not going to get defensive or blame me for their own mistake. So banter allows us to build this bridge for candor.
Speaker: It's probably 15, 20, 10%, depending on how much we make mistakes, freshmen, it's going be a lot more. but I'm able to have all those touch points that allows the candor I talk to be listened to.
Speaker: And then now we get into conflict. This is most teams treat conflict like fire. They want to avoid it or ignore it Don't do that. You want to put it out fast and pretend or pretend it didn't happen and cover up our crime so coach thinks we're all happy-go-lucky.
Speaker: But healthy conflict, this is the forge that really welds and brings brings us together. And it's where the bonds get heat-tested and heat-treated.
Speaker: And really, there, research backs this up. Going back to that paper from Florida, trust starts informing. But it builds in storming and through heavy, healthy conflict.
Speaker: And that's where teammates learn that they can disagree and still belong. The key word is healthy. Healthy conflict attacks the problem. We're looking for little dragons to snuff them out. This a whole lot of the workshop. Roommates and dishes.
Speaker: Conflict. So negative conflict attacks the person. So your job is to name the difference out loud. Captains, your job is to model it in the huddle.
Speaker: So where healthy conflict attacks the problem, negative conflict attacks the person. Name the difference out loud and captains model, lead by example, in the huddle classroom.
Speaker: outside of the the the school campus. Yeah. So A funny example involving Pat because he's got a lot of weight in this ah podcast.
Speaker: He was telling me one time, coach called him into his office as captain about bringing the team together and going to really lean on him as a leader. And he's like, i i got you, coach. No problem.
Speaker: And then at that practice, for Lord knows what reason, I'm a defender. They put me on offense to, I don't know, try something new or have an athlete out there and i had no i was completely lost no idea what i was doing uh they draw out the plays what i was supposed to do i mean i'd quickly forget it i'm a middle linebacker and a defender within lacrosse i can't remember all these different patterns and arrows and all that if this then that no just tell me exactly what to do and i'll put my head through it so i got lost out there and did exactly that like
Speaker: Okay, I'm going to go pick a fight. So was roughing people. If anybody went by me, I was completely lost. So I just push them, move them, and I pissed off the wrong person. So ah Pat and I's roommate, yep, flip the switch. Next thing I know, at the corner, a big stick is swinging.
Speaker: Hits me in the face. I got short arms, so I had to close that gap against one of the twin towers on the team. So get real close, and then, yeah, we're basically wrestling and having it out.
Speaker: But just hilarious that coach empowered this this captain to take charge, and, hey, we need to come together. And then literally in the practice that evening, two of his best buds and roommates are beating the crap out of each other.
Speaker: He can do nothing but watch. So those fights, they didn't break us. They are the reason we're we're still talking and standing at each other's weddings ah eons later. So yeah, we we didn't allow it to. There's a lot of ah yeah talking and hugging it out. We went to college in the the age of entourage.
Speaker: So hug it out was a ah big part of our vernacular. And so i want to give this... understanding that bonds you build in front of you right now will make you a better team in the season, bring you closer together.
Speaker: So in the storm, allow the storm to happen, but we need to connect it to Y. And if we can connect to that Y and that team, they're going to keep us together and make it funny stories well after that season ends.
Speaker: So what does journeying actually look like for a team that did the work and did this properly? Here's what we're going highlight. A journeying, your team, the season ends, our athletic career ends, but it evolves.
Speaker: And we stay a team through new seasons of life. The jerseys come off, new kids take our numbers. We got to just watch them and wait patiently or ask, hey, who's got our number this year?
Speaker: Four, three. 14, let's go. um So 14 was one of the members of the workshop I led. So let's go Saints. All right. So yeah, jerseys come off. group staff Group chat stays live. The practice plan becomes career and life and plan and marriage and kids and loss and big decisions at 2 a.m.
Speaker: And there's three things that carry over from are our days on a team and the sidelines together. So one is the the honest mirror stays up.
Speaker: The candor is there. They know who we are. They know when to have fun and when they need to ask the serious questions and hold the mirror for us up. It's not the funny mirrors that are super wide or super long that are lying to you.
Speaker: It's an honest one that you may not be holding up for yourself. So the guy who told you to get your feet moving on the field or get in the right position is the same guy who tells you when you're drifting as a man or a father or leader.
Speaker: The banter continues. 20 years later, they still bring up the the things you did. i mean, the very intelligent, good ideas that we had. And it's not cruelty.
Speaker: It's the receipt. And it says, hey, I was there. I was there with you. I know who you are in a joking way. And that candor becomes the most valuable truth you have. The banter is continuing to build. It's the primary of the touch points.
Speaker: Candor is there holding up the mirror. and And I mean, really puts us in a position for that now. Maybe the 10% when we're college athletes together is conflict for the one time.
Speaker: in a number of years when you need it to have a true conflict. And here's why out in the real world, People will, they will try to label you. Once you leave the team, you go out into the jobs, careers, the structures, the corporations, all that stuff. They will try to label you.
Speaker: They will weave their stories about you and try to fit you into certain boxes. Some of them will try to put their shame on you and tell you this or that or otherwise that you know not to be true about yourself, but you believe them because they're a boss or an influence of figure.
Speaker: And you need people who knew you before any of that to be your beacons, to be your anchors, to be your lighthouses. People who can look at you and say, that's not who you are.
Speaker: I know who you are. I've seen who you are. I was there with you. Wild, yes. However, this is who you are.
Speaker: That is a gift of a team that adjourned well. Their truth is louder than any noise outside from the world that's trying to push you down or or or label you and name you.
Speaker: And I can't tell you how many times Pat and I, we've called each other and been like, dude, help me out here. and get a reality check or a hard question to answer with some love.
Speaker: And that's what I mean when I say buddies become brothers. This is not a slogan, it's a stage of development and it is earned. And there's one more layer and you don't get it at 19. Like ah ah I mentioned I was teaching and leading this group, but I was still in back of my mind thinking how I can articulate this to put them into position to understand.
Speaker: And I came to the conclusion they won't. They're not gonna understand. They're in this right now. Banter, candor, conflict. That's what they're living in right now. And I'm focused on those three for them.
Speaker: And those three get built in the locker room. In adulthood, there's a fourth layer that sits on top of them. And I spent three days really contemplating this And I want to call it compassion.
Speaker: Banter keeps it light. Candor keeps it true. Conflict keeps it strong. And compassion, it keeps it human. At 19, compassion looks like picking up a guy after a bad game or a mistake and refocusing theirre their head back in the game.
Speaker: At 40, it looks like picking up the phone and when their marriage or business is struggling, or their dad is sick, or he left the job that defined him.
Speaker: And here's what that looks like in practice. Beyond food, water, roof, or any of our basic needs that we have, former teammates,
Speaker: I mean, your teammates, they're heads of their households. They're leading businesses at this point. They don't have someone that they can lean into to hold them accountable anymore. So former teammates, you are uniquely built to meet them where they are at, knowing this whole history and being there for them throughout each of these phases, these seasons.
Speaker: So I'm going to walk you through... Six quick needs that I can ask about to my former teammates. And I pulled these from Captains and Coaches podcast episode 144 with Tim Fletcher.
Speaker: So first is acceptance. We had this on our team. Now, what do we have it as adults? What does this look like? I can show for my buddies respect.
Speaker: I can comfort them when they need to. I can listen. I can even love. i can I can confidently say that now. Despite different personalities and in family situations, careers, geography, despite how we look now or feel with backs and knees and ACLs and Achilles, despite our physical limitations and changes,
Speaker: we can still provide respect, nurture, and ah emotional support for them. So accepting who they are, the decisions they made, and then provide grace with and for them.
Speaker: That you saw them at their worst and you stayed. The second is going to be belonging, deeper, meaningful friendships. Asking the deep questions. We're not drinking buddies. We're buddies, like real friends.
Speaker: So... and Adult men, you especially lose this after sports end or your military career ends. And it happens slowly and then all at once. Or you think it'll never happen to you and then finally you're a senior and you're counting the last number your games on on your hands.
Speaker: The group chat that keeps tagging guys or sending memes who went quiet, calling them out, that's that is belonging. So somebody hasn't contributed for a while,
Speaker: and maybe some of you listening have experienced this i send a very vague text message out there no context wellness check period then i allow the recipient to fill in the gaps for me some guys are hey all good how are you or they share what is up so give that wellness check remind them that they do belong somewhere especially if they go quiet and start to drift outside of the circle Next is safety, security, consistent boundaries. Boundaries are a great thing. I've done many podcasts on those before. So a real teammate does not just tell you what you want to hear. Absolutely not.
Speaker: Like a real teammate, they hold you to the same line that they held in college, or you hold them as captain or friend, and now you're struggling, but they're still trying to lift you up and hold you to character boundaries, consistent, fair,
Speaker: Because you know they will be straight with you. And you trust what they have to say versus believing what the outside world has to say. Next is going to be purpose and significance. We lean into this in athletics. And this was a lot of the Tim Fletcher podcast where sports gave us our purpose. And all of a sudden our career is over. Who are we?
Speaker: I want to provide a sense of value, that I valued my time with my teammates, and they allowed me leadership reps. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. There was no sports leadership tools back then.
Speaker: It was John C. Maxwell books and then Pat Riley business books that was synthesizing and making connections and then taking chances with my teammates. They gave me purpose then, and they continue to give me purpose now.
Speaker: or seeing them as they go into a new phase where their family becomes their purpose. Awesome. How can i now help you understand the significance in the darkest days of having those kids run around?
Speaker: So, yeah, remind them of who they are during those dark days of sacrifice as an athlete and show them that, hey, they are making a difference even though it may not feel that way or they're having a hard year.
Speaker: Next is going to rest. Plan it into the day or get the guys together for a vacation that involves some downtime. Don't go 100 miles an hour into a ah trip that leaves you more tired than when you already took off in the plane.
Speaker: So that that was a lot of Boston for me. I did a lot of podcasts during the day. Pat had to to go run a meatpack and plant for for real. And so that gave me a lot of time, did some podcasts and spent time resting, re reloading and thinking about how I can teach these lessons because, man, that that was such a valuable time.
Speaker: But I needed that rest to then think how I can bring this to the table. Next is going to be beauty. This is going to sound weird on the pod, but hey, art, sunrises, sunsets, family for a lot of us.
Speaker: Remember 6 a.m. practices on the backfield talking about that. Nobody noticed the sunrise except for me. Take advantage of the weather. And being obnoxiously loud on the field over communicating so we could wake up the girls dorm like that our field was right behind the girls dorm was awesome so now instead of the sunrise on the back field now i got waking up early staying with friends having coffee then the kids are up enjoying the the morning with the fam i'm getting schooled in paw patrol powers or whatever
Speaker: Ninja Turtles would still kick their ass, Matty. I'm sorry. But hey, I respect your opinion. And I will still take the side of Du Host and Ramstein will win versus the Frozen soundtrack any day of the week.
Speaker: So, yeah, sound the feasting horn. No more Frozen. I'm over it. ah Yeah, so that there's no winning an argument with a four-year-old Especially when it comes to music. so But I digress. Anyway, so these are needs. These are six needs.
Speaker: When a journeying, not morning, when journeying grows and we go to the next phase, I can proactively seek if one of my buddies needs one of those six. And I can provide it, even if it's over the phone.
Speaker: So this is a great system and tool that um I apply to my teammates, a brotherhood here. But still, if you see somebody that needs it, give it to them. And you can't you can't fake this at 40, especially if we didn't take the time to build it at 20 when we were in that true conflict.
Speaker: So compassion, without the history of candor, it feels hollow and insincere. Compassion with it, it feels it feels like home. It was me being back on campus. it was me staying with Pat, now with the addition of the family, instead of our five other dude roommates.
Speaker: But it still felt like home, even though i parked in the wrong house. Sorry about that. and How do you coach the stage that nobody coaches? We're winding down here.
Speaker: I want four moves. So if you are leading a team, proactively think about these and how you can lead them to the stage of adjourning and not leave it a negative morning period.
Speaker: Number one, stop rescuing your team from storming. Coaches, when conflict shows up, do not shut it down. Shape it.
Speaker: Give them the tools and let them work it out. Sometimes it's going to be fist to cuffs. Let them fight, then hug it out. Captains, have that hard conversation this week. Not at the banquet, not during the alumni weekend when you've had a few beers. No, now.
Speaker: Have the hard conversation. Okay, two. Name the long game out loud. So if I'm coaching a team, I'm going to tell them, hey, some of going be in each other's weddings.
Speaker: Like, make it a reality. Say it in the preseason. Emphasis on the value of this conflict. Even if guys don't like each other then, what will one, two, three, four years do to that that relationship?
Speaker: And it changes how they... how they treat each other, especially if I find a way to show them this value. That's alumni weekend introducing them to best buddies that brought their families to it.
Speaker: Or it's bringing your friends out to practice. While I was out at Marymount, I gave a speech to the team and my head coach is still there, but one of his teammates heard I was going to be there.
Speaker: That's friends with the the the crew, we were a very tight-knit group, then he came out. So we get this opportunity for Coach to show the value of the history of the generations and how we are supporting each other way late in life. I didn't even play with Coach coach Reynolds' buddy.
Speaker: But he was so invested in the program, and we've had many conversations, so he wants to see me succeed, so he came out. So show and tell.
Speaker: All right, number three. Coach the ending on purpose. ah Yes, we want to make it through as far as we can into and through the playoffs, at the same time, don't let the season just stop, even if you're disappointed in how it ends.
Speaker: Build a real close. Take your time to mourn, re-watch the game, and then realize, okay, I got to be big here and I got to adjourn this season so I can move on to next one and I'm not always remembering what should and could have happened.
Speaker: Recognize each one of your seniors by name. Give them the opportunity to adjourn the season that they've earned over the course of their time with you. Tell the truth about what the team did well and what it didn't.
Speaker: Be honest with them that what they didn't do well, that's going to fade over years. And what they did do well is going to expand and get bigger. Trust me. But we still want to acknowledge it versus hide it.
Speaker: And then give them a reason and a way to stay connected. It's alumni weekend at Marymount right now. That is an awesome tool. We have alumni game. We get to compete against the current team. It's awesome. It's a fun time.
Speaker: What where are you doing like that? Number four, practice compassion now. Teach your team to check in, not just check up. Wellness check. I'm not checking up on them and ignoring it. No, I'm checking in.
Speaker: I'm asking the teammate who went quiet, how they're actually doing. I like vagueness and allowing them to to fill in the context there, but I'm not afraid to pull on the thread if it's... if it's there's There's no effort there. Or if it's not there, okay, now I'm calling.
Speaker: If you're too busy to text, okay, I get it. But at the same time, what if you're not feeling too hot? Okay, I need to step in. So this is this is a habit that you build at 18, 19, 20.
Speaker: And it puts you in a position to now make a call at 40 to see what's up. Adjourning done right is not a goodbye at the end of the season.
Speaker: It's a handoff to the next season of life. So going back and closing down the time with Pat, super valuable, grateful for you.
Speaker: And we're we're not teammates anymore, not by Tuckman's definition there. The task is done. The group is disbanded years ago, going on 20 years.
Speaker: now, but the mirror's still up for each other. The banter's never stopped, I guarantee that. The candor still hits and underneath all of it is this compassion for one another. That is the team.
Speaker: It just changed seasons. So sports don't teach lessons, coaches do. Be proactive in handing off these tools to your athletes. Go teach this. Build the bond now so it holds later.
Speaker: And if you want to do this work for your captains, hey reach out, shoot me an email. If you wanna to understand what the workshop is, hit up workshop.captainsandcoaches.com. I will go to your team, form, storm, norm, perform, and put in the best position to succeed and come together, no doubt.
Speaker: And for those former athletes, hey, go call an old teammate. Wellness check. Shoot them a text. No contact. Let them know. That's all I got guys. If you enjoyed the show, like, subscribe, rate, review, share this.
Speaker: If you got one of your old teammates, see if anything resonates with them. That's also a good tool or awesome. That's it. That's all I got. It's late, long week of practice. You gotta shut us down. Here we go.
Speaker: And see.
