Transcript
Speaker: Blurdy and get squirty because it's time for another dirty brief.
Speaker: All of us have caused ourselves harm.
Speaker: Whether we meant to or not, at some point you had self-inflicted pain.
Speaker: And I'm sure you wish you didn't.
Speaker: But after the fact, you have to deal with the repercussions.
Speaker: During the pandemic, I got frostbite.
Speaker: I live in Los Angeles and yet somehow in March I got frostbite.
Speaker: Let me tell you a little story.
Speaker: Paint a little picture for you.
Speaker: During the pandemic, things are open, but not really open.
Speaker: We're all wearing masks.
Speaker: My friend Steven, he goes all the time to do cryotherapy.
Speaker: He goes every single day.
Speaker: He has a monthly membership.
Speaker: He works out in the park, gets all sweaty, gets his bones and his muscles all rejuvenated, and then he goes and freezes himself to rehabilitate.
Speaker: I've been very curious about this because I love alternative forms of healing and I've tried so many.
Speaker: I've tried sound bath.
Speaker: I've tried float tanks.
Speaker: I've had my chakras healed.
Speaker: I don't even know what that means.
Speaker: All I know is that this woman waved her hands over my body for an hour and now anytime there's a crescent moon, I can float.
Speaker: So when my friend Steven told me, hey, do you want to come get inside a cryo chamber?
Speaker: I was like, oops.
Speaker: Baby, do I ever.
Speaker: So I meet Steven in the park and we do a really vigorous workout session.
Speaker: We go hard and I have my own ways of exercising.
Speaker: I don't usually do a program.
Speaker: So I definitely felt the pains in all of my body in a good way.
Speaker: Not bad pain, just soreness.
Speaker: And I was like, ooh, baby, let's go freeze this out.
Speaker: So we go to the cryoclinic.
Speaker: and he can get me in for free because it is expensive as fuck.
Speaker: He pays $300 a month to be able to go whenever he wants, but it's $60 for a single session that is three minutes long.
Speaker: That's not money I want to spend, but if somebody's giving it to me for free, let's go.
Speaker: I fill out the paperwork, I put on, I take off all my clothes, I put on their little underwear, and then I proceed to get into the chamber.
Speaker: Now, what I knew about cryo, it's like a tube that your head is sticking out of.
Speaker: That's what I had seen before.
Speaker: But this place had a full chamber that you got inside and you were fully enclosed.
Speaker: They allowed me to pick whatever music I wanted.
Speaker: So I chose Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles.
Speaker: If I'm going to be in negative 240 degrees, I want to be thinking about beautiful, illuminating sunshine, warming my entire being.
Speaker: It was cold.
Speaker: I mean, really, really cold.
Speaker: And after about 90 seconds, my face started to really hurt, but I had never done this before, so I don't know any better.
Speaker: I don't know what is happening on the inside because I can't see my own face.
Speaker: When I got home, I felt okay, but my face hurt a little bit.
Speaker: It was a little sore, a little tight.
Speaker: Went to sleep.
Speaker: When I woke up a few hours later,
Speaker: My nose was pussing.
Speaker: And when I say pussing, it had blistered on both sides and it was literally oozing pus from the inside.
Speaker: And what had happened was I had been wearing a mask
Speaker: that I had been sweating in post-exercise.
Speaker: And those water droplets, when entered into a cryogenic chamber, froze my mask to my face.
Speaker: Obviously, I did not think about this as an option.
Speaker: I did this to myself.
Speaker: Either way,
Speaker: I need to go take care of this situation.
Speaker: So I go back to the cryo clinic with my mask on.
Speaker: We had to be masked at the time.
Speaker: And I just told the receptionist, hey, I was here yesterday.
Speaker: Can I show you something?
Speaker: I take off my mask and immediately both receptionists look at me and go, oh my God.
Speaker: Not what you want to hear in a medical facility.
Speaker: You want to hear, hey, we see that all the time.
Speaker: Here's a little ointment.
Speaker: This is what you do to make it better.
Speaker: You don't want to hear, oh my God.
Speaker: So they looked at me and said, okay.
Speaker: We can fix this.
Speaker: We have a three-step process.
Speaker: First, you're going to get in an infrared sauna.
Speaker: And I'm like, no, no more weird contraptions or machines or any chambers that I need to get in to heal my body.
Speaker: And they're like, no, no, no.
Speaker: Trust me.
Speaker: You want to get in the sauna.
Speaker: This is going to heal your skin.
Speaker: And then we have a vibrating mat that you can get on.
Speaker: And then, if you'd like, you can go back in the cryo chamber.
Speaker: And I was like, what?
Speaker: Why on earth would I get back in there after what happened to me?
Speaker: And they're like, well, we're giving you a free session.
Speaker: I'm an idiot.
Speaker: And I take anything that is free.
Speaker: Because free things are rare in this world.
Speaker: So when somebody offers you a free item, you take it.
Speaker: I don't care what it is.
Speaker: I don't care if it's a ride in a hand-built airplane that might kill you.
Speaker: You take the ride.
Speaker: I walked around for weeks with my face looking like a caveman that had just been thawed out, but was still slightly in the freezing process.
Speaker: It was brutal.
Speaker: My face looked like a slab of meat.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: I had to go on the road.
Speaker: I was doing shows that weekend in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Speaker: And you know what I had to do during those shows?
Speaker: I had to start by explaining why my face looked like the surface of Mars was oozing alien blood.
Speaker: It was uncomfortable.
Speaker: It was brutal.
Speaker: But also, all I could think about was...
Speaker: This is completely my fault.
Speaker: I tried an alternative healing method.
Speaker: I didn't do any research whatsoever.
Speaker: However, is it?
Speaker: My fault?
Speaker: Because why didn't this facility, this medical clinic, tell me to take off my mask or switch my mask?
Speaker: They did say I had to wear one, which by the way, is COVID surviving in negative 240 degrees?
Speaker: Is it that powerful that we can send it to Pluto and it's just thriving there, infecting every alien on the planet with COVID?
Speaker: No, probably not.
Speaker: Yet still, okay, I'll play by your rules.
Speaker: I'll keep my mask on.
Speaker: But you knew that I could have had this experience.
Speaker: Obviously, I was the first one.
Speaker: But you should know that if you're going in there with a somewhat wet mask, it might freeze to your face.
Speaker: And God, it hurts so bad.
Speaker: But it was also completely my fault.
Speaker: It's Los Angeles.
Speaker: It's spring.
Speaker: And now I'm walking around like I had just been stuck on Everest for the past three months.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: Fuck me, right?
Speaker: That's all I could think.
Speaker: Fuck me.
Speaker: I did something to heal my body, to alleviate any pain, to rejuvenate my blood cells and to get them to a place where they were just thriving.
Speaker: And nope.
Speaker: For the next few weeks, my face looks like I had halfway opened the Ark of the Covenant and I had to live with that.
Speaker: Have you ever made a mistake like that?
Speaker: Have you ever caused yourself injury?
Speaker: Not on purpose, but just by doing something that you'd never done before?
Speaker: You got to forgive yourself.
Speaker: I didn't blame myself.
Speaker: I was trying something new.
Speaker: I was being bold.
Speaker: But even still, when you get frostbite in Los Angeles, it's kind of your fault, no matter what.
Speaker: How is that even possible?
Speaker: I had to explain this myself so many times.
Speaker: So many times.
Speaker: But you know what?
Speaker: You know what I end up with, everybody?
Speaker: A hilarious story from the times of COVID when the world was shut down and everyone was dying and people were afraid.
Speaker: Here I am giving you life by making you feel a little bit better about your own choices.
Speaker: And that's all I want to do.
Speaker: I want to make you feel good about the choices you make.
Speaker: So whatever you're doing this week, whether it's intelligent, whether it's stupid, whether it's insane, whether it is justified, whatever it is, be proud of the choices you're making.
Speaker: Because I really doubt you would do something as good
Speaker: humiliating as getting frostbite from a cryo clinic in the middle of Los Angeles.
Speaker: Although I did get three free sessions.
Speaker: So is frostbite worth $240?
Speaker: Cause that's what the four sessions would be.
Speaker: $240 for three weeks of frostbite.
Speaker: No, it's not worth it, idiot.
Speaker: Don't ever do that.
Speaker: I'm telling you the story so you don't make my mistakes.
Speaker: If you ever go into an alternative healing cryo chamber, take off your mask or at least switch it.
Speaker: Thank God that I didn't get frostbite somewhere else, somewhere lower on the extremities.
Speaker: My face, I can deal with that.
Speaker: But if it was on my dick, yikes.
Speaker: That would be a terrifying situation.
Speaker: But I'll tell you what's not terrifying.
Speaker: Coming to see me on the road, everybody, because I got dates happening.
Speaker: Go to HooperComedy.com or follow me on social media at HooperHairPuff.
Speaker: And of course, subscribe to this pod.
Speaker: Listen to it.
Speaker: Dirty briefs wouldn't happen if you weren't here.
Speaker: So let's go, everyone.
Speaker: Oh my God, has my collar looked like that the entire time?
Speaker: Fuck.
Speaker: Well, who cares?
Speaker: That's my choice.
Speaker: What's yours?
Speaker: I'll see you next week.
