Transcript
Speaker: how we process it can define whether we come out on the other side of it, whether we learn and grow from it, or whether we're constantly a victim of it. And the victim mentality really talks about if you can decide that you are in charge of your problems, then you're also in charge of the solution.
Speaker: And that can be very empowering. Because if somebody else is in charge of it, you're always a victim. You can never, ever overcome it.
Speaker: Welcome to Grief, Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
Speaker: Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone. Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
Speaker: Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
Speaker: As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
Speaker: Today I'm sitting down with Carrie Wells, author, actress, philanthropist, and beloved star of Bravo's Married to Medicine. While many recognize Carrie for her glamorous screen presence, today we are actually pulling back the curtain and really talking more about those battles that she quietly carried behind closed doors and now has really opened up about it in her new book, From Attitude to Gratitude. Welcome, Keri.
Speaker: hi thank you for having me on your show. i do appreciate it. Carrie, i am happy to have you here. And we found out we had some connections here in common. And I love when I find out of about these little connections with my guests. And you pointed out that your husband is from Colombia like I am see me e supposeo it's bogoanano see yes i min canta same in canta cala espanor tabien Si, I love it. Love it. So what she just said is that her husband is from Bogotá from Colombia. And so very happy to to have you here. And let's talk about your upbringing. You are originally from the UK, moved to the States. So a little of your journey, because in your book, you do talk a lot about your upbringing and it starts already. You hear in the States, in Maui, chapter one is basically Maui and the beach and the unraveling. And then within the book, we go into finding out more about your life and what brought you to this unraveling moment. But with us, with the listeners, give us a bit about your upbringing. Yeah.
Speaker: Well, yes, I think when I was Married to Medicine, a lot of people had the misconception that I was born into this wealthy family with everything on a silver platter.
Speaker: And i had this perfect life and I just wanted to pull back the curtain because that nothing could really be further from the truth. I was born very middle class family in Yorkshire, England.
Speaker: And the youngest of seven children, we had one wage growing up and we we really didn't have a lot of money. It was thanks to my parents, their hard work and managing the family that I had the life I had. But it was always a struggle. There was never a lot of money for anything other than basic needs. And I never remember like a ton of toys or a ton of clothes, like nothing like that. It was very, we lived a very simple life. And my dad always taught us work hard, learn a trade.
Speaker: And he he raised us to be pretty independent. So I wanted people to know that about me. I'm a lot more down to earth and real than I think was shown, especially in season one of Married to Medicine. Because, you know, anyone that watches reality television, what you see, there's a lot of editing that happens and some of it can be misconstrued. And I think that definitely happened with me in season one.
Speaker: And so I wanted to be clear with people like who I am, where I came from. I'm not, it's not something I'm embarrassed of. I'm very proud of my upbringing because I believe if you work hard and apply yourself, then sky's the limit, especially in America, we have so much opportunity. So that really was important for me to share with viewers. And that was part of the the beginning chapters of my book.
Speaker: And you mentioned in your book, it's interesting that you're saying the the preconception somebody may have from somebody from the UK, and especially because something with an accent already, you sound like royalty, right? So people may assume that, right? Right away, like are like, oh, she must have grown up this way. And because you're married to a doctor and your lifestyle now is a certain way, yeah they can have these preconceived ideas.
Speaker: something you mentioned in the book is the actually quite the opposite your husband did grow up in very pretty ah very right very different which then a lot of people may have preconceived ideas about someone growing up in colombia Colombia which is very contrasting in right and I love that you pointed that out in the book yes because being from there it already like gives me that perception, oh, I totally know what she's talking about because I grew up with friends that were exactly in that upbringing.
Speaker: I think also exactly that's another misconception. People fail to recognize how privileged a lot of people in Colombia can be and the education level and the the what what is what is available to them in Colombia.
Speaker: I think a lot of people that don't know the country have a misconception of it being like third world or poverty. And it's nothing. When I first went to Columbia, when he, we'd only been dating a few weeks and he invited me and I felt like the princess, like the he exposed me to this fabulous world, his world in Colombia. I didn't understand a word in Spanish other than gracias. And I just, he was like taking me to all these fabulous places and restaurants and culture and music. And I fell in love. I fell in love with him and Colombia. i just, I love that country. It's such an amazing country. And I always like to share on social media things about Colombia because I think unless you've been there, people have no clue.
Speaker: And it would also get a very bad rap for decades in film and television. Misconceptions about drugs and obviously there has been those things, but it was such a small part of what Colombia is as a country.
Speaker: I think that is important to talk about those misconceptions and the way that we think of things because in those same misconceptions, we do not know who we are talking to every day and what their lives really look like. And that includes grief.
Speaker: Every day that we encounter someone, we don't know their backstory. You yourself were born, not only did you experience grief yourself with the death of your sister, But your family already had lived a lot of grief.
Speaker: I was fifteen born into it. You were born into grief. Yeah. Your mom had already experienced the death of your sister who was two years old. would have beened already By the time I was born, she'd already lost two children because she had a stillbirth that she had to give birth to at eight months.
Speaker: And it it was horrific what she had to go through. That was her first baby. And then a two-year-old that she lost. And then I was born after that. So I grew up with this knowledge of my mom always grieving this child. We had photographs of her. Her name was Moira. And what my mom had gone through in the stories, it was just horrific to think um now that I'm a parent, to think about it. But growing up as a kid, it was like this picture of this sister that I never knew, but was so missed in my family.
Speaker: And the sorrow when my mom talked about her and what she went through, the story of losing her was just horrific. um And then to lose my sister, you know, my who I knew when I was an adult, to lose Jackie. So it's, you know, my poor mother had lost three children, really. She, um one stillborn and two living daughters.
Speaker: Yeah. What, what was it for you that you could see? How was grief? You could see, of course, images and of your sister, your brother, probably not, but did, did they name your brother by the way?
Speaker: No, you know I don't. they i name him I don't think they did. And what was so crazy in those days, the women had to spend, almost a week in the hospital recovering from birth. And you had to bathe in order to, in England at those times, like the wards, bed after bed after bed of women delivering.
Speaker: And then in order to bathe and get used to breastfeeding and nurturing your child, they would allow another woman to bathe and wash your baby and you'd bathe and wash another woman's baby because they figured in those days, this is like in the 60s, women were afraid. You were very sort of tentative with your own baby. So they gave you someone else's baby. So it was like a conveyor belt of women giving birth and then you got up and you washed it the other person's baby. And my mom was in that ward recovering from a miscarriage. So she had to participate in those things. I mean, it sounds barbaric,
Speaker: But this was at a time when they didn't understand mental health. They didn't understand grief, depression, postpartum. So she said she was in that ward for about four or five days recovering because she had an infection, toxemia, all these things with other women that had given birth. It was in the maternity ward. It sounds like something out of a horror film.
Speaker: But it's what she experienced. How she survived, I don't know. But that's how they did it. Like maternity, there was no separate ward for grieving postpartum women that had delivered a stillborn child. It was like the maternity ward and the this ward. And yeah, so she went through, I know.
Speaker: It was, it sounds insane, but it's what she went through. Wow. There's a part of that too, though, that the aspect, even though she wasn't probably able to hold her baby for a long time, to be able to grieve still holding someone, there might have been something there that could her maternal side could still come through. Because when you especially when you're thinking you're going have a child and then you don't. So maybe there could have been yeah both a barbaric and at the same time a healing. No idea. We can't ask your mom now because your mom since has passed. i is yeah
Speaker: But it is very interesting. I had never heard of that. So growing up with those stories of what it was like for her, And then realizing how far we have come with the understanding of mental health and grief and the effect that grief has on our mental health. We've come decades from those times of what women went through and what we're still going through. But now we have thank you to things like this where we can
Speaker: have Share stories and share grief and share. And I think that's also why I wanted to write the book. to I think it in communities is where we find healing. you know Yes, absolutely. Being witness, witnessing someone else's grief. So you were only 21, 22 when Jackie died. Yes. And you'd been in the States for how long? That part I didn't know. Not long. Because you left home at 17 and you were basically her take cake. Yes.
Speaker: Yes. You're caretaker for a little bit because your sister had addiction. Then you moved to the States. I moved to the States. I was in the process of getting my green card. And so during that time, you go through, you send all your documents away.
Speaker: You go through a three month check where you cannot leave the country. And they take your passport, they do everything. And that and she died during that time. So I didn't think I was going to be able to go home for the funeral. I'd only been in America maybe six months. It was six months after my visa and I was in the process of doing my green card.
Speaker: And she passed away. And I i had to go to Denver and basically beg immigration to let me leave the country. And they said, well, we can't guarantee you can come back.
Speaker: And so I said, I'll take that chance. I can't not be with my family. So it was just doubly difficult. Like it was, you're you're in such a daze when something like that happens and everything else takes second, you know, backseat. You're just like living, going through the motions of getting through hour, the next hour. And I knew I had to go home. I knew i couldn't stay here. I was um alone and I just wanted to be with my family. So And drove to Denver and begged immigration. I had to get my attorney involved. Like, please let me leave. And I was just remember standing there in the immigration department, like, I don't care what I have to do. i you know, you have to cancel my case.
Speaker: I am going to leave. And it was, it was hell on top of everything else. But yeah, so I'd only been in America. I think it was my first during, it was during my first nine months here.
Speaker: Yeah, that those are the things that someone, unless they've immigrated to this country, do not know these details of all of these different processes that may occur. i myself like I only know that he actually even with my husband because I did grow up with dual citizenship. So i I myself didn't even know that until I was living it through when my husband with my husband, when you're in the middle of processing papers and an emergency like that happens and that you're like, wait, I i could risk losing all the work that I've put into getting this, the money that you paid attorney fees, all these things to get your citizenship, your residency.
Speaker: And then you have to leave. But yeah priorities are priorities. And for you, the priority was being with your family. You're so young. You go back to England to be able to be between, I say, to the UK to be able to be with them. And then how long did you stay before you came back after Jackie's passing?
Speaker: Several weeks because it wasn't long. i remember we, I had to get back. I was working. I had to get back to work. I had things going on. And so I was in a position where I'm like, I ah can't stay too long. I had things going on, but I just wanted to be with my family. So it was maybe, I was maybe there month.
Speaker: And then when you come back, because you're 21, 22 years old, you're actually close to same age as I was. I was 21 when my sister died. So at that going into college going back to college and kind of doing things and being around people that have not experienced that type of grief before, it's really hard sometimes to really relate to others that have not lived or gone through something like this. How was it for you? Do you remember or recall how you carried your grief and what helped you during those, those times? I will say that i looking back, it's almost a blur because I was in such a daze with so many things. It's, it's,
Speaker: I was going through the motions, but I was a mess. I was, you know, i wake up crying. before You wake up and you forget. And you're in this slumber and you're having a dream about something. And then as you come to awakening, you remember and you immediately burst into tears.
Speaker: I would go to sleep crying. I would wake up crying most days. and i had to have quite a bit of therapy i i really was a mess i blamed myself because i felt at that time what if you know you go through i talk about the five stages of grief and they don't come in order you go through the what if What if she hadn't have gone out that night? What if the she hadn't have taken that drug? What if we'd have, you know, Narcon had have been invented? What if somebody had have been with her and they could have administered something quicker? What if so many things? And I would say that living through that is the biggest hell because you cannot find peace.
Speaker: And I think for anyone going through that right now, Having some therapy and and what happened for me was I went to a therapist who had also, I didn't even know that she'd lost her sister to addiction.
Speaker: And she said to me, she goes, Carrie, I am a licensed, I'm a doctor. She goes, I'm a doctor. I'm a, she's a psychiatrist and a therapist. And she said, am. couldn't help my own sister and I have medical training.
Speaker: So why do you think that you could have changed her pathway? Why do you blame yourself so much? And it was really working with her and realizing that you know, an understanding addiction more that I realized I couldn't have changed things. I couldn't have changed the course of her life.
Speaker: I would have loved to have been able to, but that wasn't her path. And it took, I'd say it took me a couple of years to come to terms with that. And it was almost like on the second anniversary of her death, for the first time, i felt a glimmer of peace. It was like...
Speaker: a little glimmer of hope, like a little window of light opened up. And for everybody, that timing is different. I hope anyone going through it, they get through that sooner than I did. But for me, I would say it was the first two years were really the most difficult.
Speaker: Hardest. Yeah. And being away from your family because you're grieving alone too. You were by yourself. I like what you mentioned about glimmers, those little glimmers of hope. And we're we're going to go into that because, of course, your book does have to do with gratitude. So we'll move. Yes. We're getting to that part here in our conversation yeah at one point. But I want to talk about...
Speaker: the victim mentality and make having that choice of whether being a victim or a victor. Yes. So let's talk about that. In your chapter, there's a lot of different chapters. I'm only kind of touching on some of these themes. And then we are going to talk about the armed robbery after Yes.
Speaker: So for me, the victim mentality, when I learned that, because I didn't grow up like knowing that, I think I was 21 and I read a book, The Power of the Subconscious Mind.
Speaker: And I started this journey of understanding that we have a choice in how we perceive things. And everybody can go through the same thing. And one person comes up on the other side. They seem to be stronger because of that. And another person's life is destroyed and they're ruined and they're defined by it and they never get over it So that type of thinking always fascinated me And i as I delved more into that, I realized that the biggest factor of a lot of sorrow that people have is being a victim of their problems, being a victim of their circumstances. That's not to deny that we are not having problems and we're not having difficulties and we're not having these things, but how we process it
Speaker: can define whether we come out on the other side of it, whether we learn and grow from it, or whether we're constantly a victim of it and the victim mentality really talks about if you can decide that you are in charge of your problems then you're also in charge of the solution and that can be very empowering because if somebody else is in charge of it you're always a victim you can never ever overcome it you're constantly a slave to the circumstances and So it's really, and it's it it's more complicated than I'm explaining in a few sentences, but it's really taking ownership and deciding I'm not going to be the victim anymore.
Speaker: Those things happened to me. I suffered. I'm still suffering. and But I'm not going to allow this to define me, and I'm not going to allow this to break me, and I'm not going to allow this to ruin my life.
Speaker: I'm going to try and find the seeds of positivity and and and gratitude. And it is a practice. and But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It becomes like second nature. And now for me, it's like this whenever I'm dealing with something. But initially, it it did take some work.
Speaker: it's it And you say it's a practice. It's not much different than choosing to exercise, choosing to do yoga, choosing to do meditation. It is a practice. You hone those skills and that repetition ends up making it be part of your day-to-day, but it's still a practice every day to do that. Yes, and did it and and it is when you have these type of life experiences, and we're going to go into the trauma that it was for you to go through the armed robbery that you share and in your book, you had no choice over what happened, but you do have a choice over what happens next. And that's the empowering part
Speaker: of that and it takes a lot of work therapy it could be a whole other things especially when there's trauma involved so take us into how were the first like early moments of this experience of the armed robbery in Atlanta yeah it doesn't matter if we share a little bit no no it's the book okay it's like not like we're like so a spoiler alert no it's okay okay okay So talk about that and how you were able to cope with that reality.
Speaker: Yes. So this was, I always joke with my children. I go, don't worry about things because often the things that you worry about never happen. And then other things will happen that you've never even thought of. And this was one of those things, like I never thought it would happen to me.
Speaker: and i was in buckhead in a fabulous nail salon like it's high-end salon it's the end of the day and i just finished getting a manicure pedicure and these two armed robbers gang members came in locked the the curtains were down so they locked us in and they basically spent the next 30 minutes beating and robbing everybody it wasn't just for money I think they had to do like some gang activity I don't know like initiation like initiation type of thing type thing looking back because it was so crazy what happened and when it first when they first came in it was surreal because I it took me a minute to sort of realize what was going on.
Speaker: And I thought it was near Halloween. I was like, is this some kind of joke initially? And then I soon realized it wasn't. So they lock us in and there's me and and only and another client, another girl.
Speaker: And the guy, cut they come in guns blazing, you know, start, they smack the guy at the register and demand the money. And then this young girl who was a nail tech,
Speaker: tries to grab the purse of her client. I think maybe she wanted to protect the purse or she didn't want her client's purse to be taken. And he kicks her like a football in the face. Like he kicks her in the face. And i see this and it was just like, I've never seen a woman be kicked like that in the face. It was horrific. Her face is like busted open and And he beats the guy at the register. And I had my ring on and i as everyone puts their hands up, I realize if they see this, I'm a target.
Speaker: So as they're going that way, I pulled it off and I stuck it in my yoga, I yoga pants on, which was crazy, but I just didn't want to be a target.
Speaker: And I put my hands up and they um because there's the register here, the counter, and these guys are behind it robbing all the money all over the floor now and they're picking it up and stuffing everything in their bags.
Speaker: And I didn't want to crouch down behind the counter. People are getting on the floor, but I didn't want to get on the floor because I think if I crouch down, he'll think I'm hiding from him. or i'm i'm I'm no longer visible to him.
Speaker: So I stand there like this, and he comes around, he just whacks me over the back of the head with his gun, pistol whips me, and says, get down, and I was knocked out. So I'm out and I, you know, like why my eyes, everything sort of goes black because I've been hit so hard over the back of the head.
Speaker: And there's broken glass and everything. i'm on the floor. and as I'm coming around, I don't know if I tried to grab my phone. Like everything's on the floor. I don't know if maybe I went near my phone or something, but he thought I was going to grab my phone.
Speaker: And so he comes up with a gun and has me on the floor with the gun to my head telling me it's going to kill me. Screaming, don't you, you know, blah, every profanity under of the sun. i will kill you, bitch, if you blah, blah, blah. So i um I'm just laid on the floor like I'm not going to use my phone. I'm not going use my phone. But it was it was the most surreal experience because when you're going through something like that, it's not – like anything in real world, it's almost like you're in this, your your mind detaches from your body but in order to process it or in order to save yourself. I don't know from a psychiatric point what happens, but from a real life point for me, it was almost like,
Speaker: you're in this time warp of like, wow like everything's happening slowly and you realize every move you make will define whether you live or die. So you're in this like weird, not fearful as you should be, but just like,
Speaker: clockwork almost like it's the I've never had an experience like it I hope I never do again but it's almost like you're in this weird like I what you need to do now is this that and the other and I just knew I'm not gonna die here like I am going to get out of this I started saying to myself I'm not this is not gonna happen I'm not gonna die I'm gonna see my kids again but all of this is happening in such split second time that a million thoughts are going through your head like And I just laid there and he's got me on the floor and he's, he kicks me and he's like, and i and then as he went away, i can see this girl in her face and I'm thinking,
Speaker: Am I, is this going to be it for me? Like, seriously, is this going to be my life? And so I just laid there. And then after a while, somebody shouts that they're gone and we ah all get up and we run to the back of the store, like, and get in cars. But I, we didn't know where they were because I hadn't seen them leave. I hadn't looked. And my, and plus I'm still, my vision's hazy because I've been hit over the back of the head. So,
Speaker: It was the most surreal experience. And it's something, they had my information, they had my identification. so for the net and they continued to do these robberies. They did like 10 of them in in all.
Speaker: They shot three people. i was just living very afraid for the next, until they were caught, which was probably six months later. I was just petrified. I couldn't.
Speaker: sleep. I couldn't eat. Like in my home, I didn't feel safe. I was constantly going through the motions, like if they break in, what I'm going to do. it was just a horrific time.
Speaker: I was just going to say how, because to be able to even recount this memory without it even having that emotional hold on you,
Speaker: ah How long did it take for you to be able to say this this way? And I know writing a book, of course, is part of that. Well, yeah, writing it too but was healing. But the chapters about my sister's death and the robbery, I couldn't read. I wrote the book and I'd written those chapters.
Speaker: And as part of getting the book published, you obviously have to proofread, you know, i edit and all these things. And those chapters, i was, I left to the last, I couldn't read them.
Speaker: It was so painful for me to read them. And finally, i will say when I had to read them, It was, I'd found some healing, I think, in writing and in and getting the message out there and getting my story out there during the process of writing it.
Speaker: It was cathartic. um Me, even now, it's it's still difficult to read.
Speaker: Sometimes you can tell things and say things as if they're just a story. I remember even when my sister died, she died in a car accident. accident and I could say it without an emotional attachment. I could say it as if I'm saying...
Speaker: a movie But anytime I'd share something more like more of a memory or something like that, there were other things that would end up bringing up the emotion. So it was really interesting how my mind would kind of choose to say this more in the matter of fact way. And I don't know if that kind of became that for you too. If it's like your mind, a way of protecting you. I'm going to say this matter of factly.
Speaker: But if I were to say, how did it feel? Like if we were to go into deeper things in another question, then emotions would probably still be hiding there. That would be very different.
Speaker: Yeah. I think it is in sharing stories that we find healing because, it The pain never goes away. It's not something you wake up one day and you're like, oh, you know I'm over that.
Speaker: It's something you have and you will have until your last breath. But it is in community and everybody everybody suffers. every bit there You never know until you get like with you.
Speaker: i never would have imagined what you've been through. But it is in sharing these stories, we find out other people. and And as a community, we can we can help each other heal.
Speaker: h Yeah. And it to it's it's not that it's easy to talk about these things, but it does, like you say, help us and in turn also help others in that process. And we do find community and other people that we have stories that have something thing that connects us.
Speaker: Carrie, gratitude, of course, is in the title. from attitude to gratitude. And it's the 15 practices of turning pain into power, into power.
Speaker: So let's talk about that gratitude, because of course, I love that word because it's part of the podcast name as well. So yes, talk about gratitude and how that really has been an anchor in your life.
Speaker: The misconception I think a lot of people have with gratitude is that it's just this quiet whisper of thank you for things. Oh, I'm so grateful. I'm grateful. Like almost fake, you know, not seeing the whole picture.
Speaker: But nothing really could be further from the truth. Gratitude is a practice like going to the gym, doing any type of exercise. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more prolific it becomes. So I like to say what you appreciate, appreciates.
Speaker: And for me, gratitude is not avoiding a problem or denying a problem. You can still be in pain, but be grateful that you're not going through it alone. Or during your grief, be grateful that someone is there to hold your hand.
Speaker: And what happens with gratitude? Scientists have They have studied happiness. And with happiness, people only really need a certain amount to be happy.
Speaker: And even if they win the lottery or they get a promotion, eventually you go back to a certain baseline. And that's your sort of happiness baseline. But with gratitude, you can improve that baseline.
Speaker: So it works like this. you You become a magnet for attracting positive things. You become a magnet for attracting more of what you are grateful for. So for a person that they say, oh, I'm terrible in relationships and I never have good relationships and i pick the worst person and i used that used to be me So you are, by constantly saying that, you are kind of reinstating. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will become what you keep saying. But with gratitude, you can, if you want love in your life, then you be love.
Speaker: You exude love. You are a loving daughter. You're a loving aunt. You're a loving friend. You're a loving neighbor. And the more you
Speaker: The more you become what you want, the more you get what you want. And that's what gratitude is. It's a practice of being instead of wanting.
Speaker: With gratitude, you're not living from a place of lack. You're living from a place of abundance. So you become a magnet for abundance.
Speaker: And whatever it is you want in your life, You become that and you see that. And the more you see it, the more you have it. It's the fundamental energy of the universe. So it sounds hocus pocus and it sounds crazy, but it is a proven science. Scientists have studied MRIs of the brain when we're actively engaged in gratitude and we're fired up, we're increasing our happiness.
Speaker: So it's something that If you want to start the gratitude practice, it's a recognizing it. And I talk about in my book how to do that. It can be a simple practice where each day you practice gratitude. You find something like having a little note of what going to be grateful for. You can have a gratitude journal. There's many ways of doing And a jar. Yeah, the jar. You had a good chunk of list of a whole bunch of tips of doing it. I loved But it's starting out small. And the more you do you can commit to, for the next week, I'm going to practice gratitude.
Speaker: Driving to work. Instead of worrying about the meeting you're going to have and the problems that you're going to have when your boss finds out about this and you're late and he's going to chastise you or you're going to be in trouble.
Speaker: Instead, take a moment and just look, oh my God, it's what a beautiful tree or what a beautiful... Mountain Vista or whatever, even if you're driving through terrible traffic, be grateful that your car is working and you have a hot cup of coffee or you you have a good friend at work that you can chat to or a beautiful partner or whatever it is that you can find gratitude in.
Speaker: And in the book, I talk about simple gratitude practices, but it becomes really like a muscle the more you practice it
Speaker: and agree more. yeah It's just an energy it's an energy of how you carry yourself. You don't even think of the moment you open your eyes, you can already find that gra you know something to be grateful for and it doesn't take away the other things you're not trying to dismiss yes the pain you are just focusing on this with pain with grief with the sadness still being part of your life I don't it doesn't have to be either it's a great and it's an and right yes
Speaker: I have a 95-year-old friend and she always says, you need five glads for one sad. And what she means by that is if you're sad about one thing, you have to think of five things that you're truly grateful for. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five.
Speaker: And write down those five things. And by the time you get to the fifth, it diminishes your sadness. It's it's hard to be in sorrow when we're looking at what we have and it doesn't, especially in America, we don't have to look far to realize how fortunate we are, you know, around the world.
Speaker: your next door neighbor, people suffering. It's it's very easy to to see, to be grateful for something. Everybody has something. and And a way that we can do that is with philanthropy, like you say also in your book, service to others. So yeah let's talk about that and these opportunities that you and your family have done and you've exposed your children to as well, for them to be grateful for what they have and yeah share a few of these. Well, I think my kids, we were living in Atlanta. They were teenagers. And anyone that's raised teens knows teenagers, ah it's all about them.
Speaker: It's that stage of your life where the world revolves around you and you're the center of your own universe. And it's very hard for kids that age to see anything other than their own universe.
Speaker: And I would, when my kids would complain, we had made a great life. We had a pool. Their friends had pools. We had, they lived in this bubble. And I was, I would listen to them complain about something and it would piss me off so much because I didn't grow up like that.
Speaker: A lot of my friends didn't grow up like that. And I've traveled around the world and I know many people that don't grow up like that. So I would literally pick them up, put them in the car, take them to the food bank and go, you're going to serve food today. I'd arrange for them to serve food or to there was a place where they could go and serve meals to kids that didn't have as much. It was like the home cooked meal that the kids, foster kids got on a night after school when they because they were only getting one meal a day at school. So this agape place would create a meal plan for kids that didn't have parents to cook meals for them. So I'd take my kids over there. I'd take them to the food bank. And then we did this program. Thank God the school that they were at ah adopted this. And we went on our own too in Guatemala, where you spend a week and you build a home for a family that doesn't have a home.
Speaker: So my kids got into this kind of at a young age and they loved it. Like they got more out of it than we put into it because they got to see the kids on this rural farm in in Guatemala that were living basically under a tarp because they didn't have a home on this farm.
Speaker: And so you build this these cinder block homes. It's very easy. They they provide the construction people. And within a week, this family has a home and they get to paint it, whatever color they want, beautiful colors like the blues or the yellows, very bright.
Speaker: And the kids get a bunk bed and they have a very simple home at the end of the week. And it's an organization called From Houses to Homes. So if you have teenagers that are whining right now,
Speaker: Look up houses to homes. My kids did it and they loved it. And they organize everything for you. It's not like you have to go and find this place. They've done hundreds of these homes. So it's a pretty well-oiled organization that you can send your kids off to.
Speaker: And your your kids are now adults. Yes. Yet you started with them. I'd say when they were like 12, 13, we started. In their teenage years. Yeah. Having this. And it really does shift because here is this mother now that you, you you were a child born to a mother that was grieving.
Speaker: Your children are children of a mother who was you. They were born also into grief. because you had lost your sister and you also had lost your connection to your home being here than other types of griefs yeah that you had experienced. And you have shifted the narrative and been able to change that into this gratitude practice that you Now they carry over and they will now have this legacy to live with because that's this book. Really? That's how it when I was reading it, by the way, it felt like a letter to your kids of your life. Yes. A memoir of all the things that you learned. That's how I read it. Yes, that's how I really wrote it, I would say. I started out just thinking if they don't have to suffer with some of the things I suffered, then the next generation, not just my kids, but all kids, then it really is to help them be able to process things a little bit easier, a little bit quicker.
Speaker: Whether they will read it, my kids have glanced through it. They haven't read it yet. Some of their friends have, but I'm like all the all my friends, all their friends' parents have. But it's almost the people reading it are the ones that don't need it. I want my kids to read it, but they promised they will this summer. So we'll see.
Speaker: but They eventually will. They will. eventual It's like my kids. I'm like, I asked him, have you ever heard my podcast? but I know. that They're like, hmm, yeah, one or so. I'm like, OK. So, yeah, it's it's OK. it's But it's also the reason I it's, you know, helping other people. It's not that I'm this all do good. ah It really helps yourself feel better.
Speaker: yes And they say the biggest cure for depression is to get out and help somebody else. It's like you instantly can fix your feelings. Lude. Yeah, your mood. Because you're you're out of yourself. You're doing some of It's...
Speaker: it's amazing to be able to do. If you're feeling bad, just go help someone. It really, it really works. Yeah. And it could start even with a simple text to a friend that you know, that is a need. It could start with a call to someone checking into someone. It's very simple things. It doesn't have be that. It doesn't have to be in a big grand scale. You're right. It can be just reaching out to someone who you know is having a really tough time.
Speaker: Yeah, those things right away, they shift, they shift. And it's not to take away from what you're going through necessarily is not to diminish your own pain, but just to complement that pain with these acts of service. And it it does, it does shift your energy. So thank you for all those tips and for everything that's in the book. So let's talk about that. How can people get the book?
Speaker: Say all the places they can get it. And then i have a final question. So the book is available anywhere books are sold. It's called From Attitude to Gratitude, 15 Practices of Transforming Pain into Power. You can get at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, anywhere you like to buy books. so And then you can reach me on Instagram, Carrie Wells, underscore, K-A-R-I Wells.
Speaker: And yeah, I hope people like the book because it is it was written to sort of help people and to help anyone really going through. It's almost like a prescription for feeling better.
Speaker: Yes, it's a memoir combined with tools. It's not only your story. It already has tools engraved in it, including practices of journaling or different things that you can do. yeah And every chapter has a quote that you like. and I love that's helped me. That's helped you. And I know you have several people meant like that you look up to that yeah helps you in your journey. So I love that. Carrie, is there anything else you'd like to share with the audience that I have not asked you today as we wrap up? No, just thank you for what you do and sharing these wonderful stories.
Speaker: Thank you. Thank you for being on the show and for sharing your story. Thank you, Carrie.
Speaker: Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
Speaker: If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
Speaker: Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
Speaker: And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.
