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Episode 2: Helena's Cancer Journey
67 Plays6 months ago
Helena shares her journey through cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. The BFF's reflect from their perspectives on what was lost - and gained - through this journey.
*Trigger Warning*
This episode contains accounts of diagnosis, treatment, and recovery of a chronic illness. Listeners who have experienced trauma from their own or another's chronic illness may be sensitive to this content.
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Transcript
Introduction & Hosts Background
00:00:00
Speaker
Okay, let's pray. Lord, thank you for life. And thank you for the lives that you've given each of us. Thank you for the twists and turns. Truly, thank you for the ways that you not only redeem the time, but you enhance the trials and the difficulties. Thank you for my best friend's life. Thank you for the ways that you have preserved it.
00:00:19
Speaker
And as we reflect on this time, i pray that your name be glorified in all that we say and all that we do Lead us where you want us to go in this conversation. to the glory of your name, and for our good. We pray all these things in Jesus' name.
00:00:33
Speaker
Amen. Amen. Okay, so welcome again, already crying, cool, to the Twists and Turns podcast, Confessions of Lifelong BFFs. I am Anne-Marie.
00:00:47
Speaker
and I'm Helena. And we are two BFFs for over 20 years. We have seen it all, and we have lived it all alongside each other, despite distance, and very different backgrounds in life's path. The story is part victory lap and it's part witness. We know where all the bodies are buried in each other's lives.
00:01:04
Speaker
And while our lives look pretty Bieber-Cleber now, that's nowhere near where it started for either one of us. We are grateful believers in Jesus Christ. We are students of the word. We are best friends for over two decades, and we are bearing witness to one another's lives and to God's goodness in our lives. We are not theologians. We are not politicians, and we are not looking for a fight.
00:01:26
Speaker
So if those are things that you're looking for, you picked the wrong pretzel podcast. Today, we are going to talk about Helena's cancer journey. And so some of the things that you can expect to hear today, we're going to talk about Helena's diagnosis and her treatment, what recovery looked like for her, and then also just a reflection of what was gained and what was learned through that experience. And I'm super excited about it. Sidebar, I'm fighting off some kind of cold and I feel like Phoebe and friends when she got sick and like sounded...
00:01:59
Speaker
but She had her cool voice and she was performing. Yes. yeah So the next time you hear me, I might sound less cool, but that's what came to mind this morning when I was nursing that.
00:02:10
Speaker
though Well, I am also having and fighting something and I'm on the Sudafed. Oh, so we don't know what's coming out of your mouth. ah This will be fun. Yeah. Coffee and Sudafed. Here we go. Yes.
00:02:25
Speaker
that's We need to put that on a shirt. Is your weather, are you having like the crazy swings? Because we're in very different parts of the country. No, absolutely. I am East Coast. I am feeling good now, good today.
00:02:39
Speaker
It was almost below freezing ah couple nights ago. And then, you know, parenting when sent my kids to school in shorts, my kids get in the car and are like, if there was any level of uncomfortable with their attire, it's, you know, why did you do It's that time of year where you really have to pay attention to what the day looks like.
00:03:01
Speaker
ah We're not on the East Coast and it has been, I'm having a hard time getting motivated for the holidays. I'm seeing everybody putting their Christmas lights up and I'm like, wait, what? Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm not prepared for that. I haven't, although I have my Christmas card idea and it's, I'm doing something little different this year.
Helena's Cancer Journey Begins
00:03:19
Speaker
And I'm like, oh, we really need to get on it.
00:03:21
Speaker
Side sidebar. Helena and I have i the sort of an unspoken, now it's going to be spoken, competition going every year. Helena really, really wants to have a Christmas card in everyone's mailbox the day after Thanksgiving, and she's pretty good at it.
00:03:37
Speaker
Well, my cards may be ordered. ah That doesn't surprise me at all. Yeah. have not ordered them because we have a little, we're a little, don't want to tell you, a little special something happening. I'm excited. Let me tell you, i know we're going to, we're going to have a whole episode about it, but I love a good Christmas card.
00:03:55
Speaker
Yes, you do. That's so true. So anyway, well, we are going to get into this. So how are you feeling about talking about this? Let's talk about that first. I feel like ah Better than I ever have.
00:04:10
Speaker
Having had time to process my typical coping mechanism is to avoid and kind of suppress and just act like I'm fine. I feel like I've tried to do a good job of not avoiding feelings and feeling what I'm feeling because of the grief and trauma that I also had to understand was all of the things that I was going through. I think I am good.
00:04:39
Speaker
i think I get surprised sometimes when things make me emotional when I've been able to ah talk about them easily in the past. So I guess it kind of depends on context and who I'm talking to. I'm very interested to see who cries first. I mean, I guess I technically did in a prayer, but like, Mary, just to see who cries first in this episode.
00:04:58
Speaker
But it's a, you know, so before we start, like, let's tell the end of the, well, it's not the end, but let's tell the end of the story first. Like you're healthy yeah and cancer free. And we're so thankful. So it's, yeah, it sucked and it was awful. And we're going get into all of that. But like the end of the story is Helena sitting here today, healthy and happy.
00:05:18
Speaker
and yeah thank God. Yeah. So it was ah September 21st of this year. That was four years since my last cancer treatment.
00:05:30
Speaker
So yeah. Yeah. Feels like forever going yesterday at the same time, but yeah. Well, okay. So let's, I think we'll follow the timeline here. So would you be so gracious as to start with like, tell us about your life before you got diagnosed?
00:05:45
Speaker
What was that like maybe in just the months leading up to that kind of what headspace were you in and what was important to you at that time? And what did life look like before that? Yes. So we were still in the pandemic. It was 2021.
00:06:01
Speaker
twenty twenty one We were in a space where some type of normal was starting to kind of become part of our life again, in terms of being able to do things and go places.
00:06:14
Speaker
I had five-year-old and two-year-old at that time. I was very much in the thick of little people. Everything kind of revolved around school, preschool, the fun stuff.
00:06:27
Speaker
The pandemic was just awful, but one thing silver lining our family was able to take away from it was like we were together the whole time we were fortunate and enough to be home together my husband could work from home my kids were little didn't really have school work to do so we got to play and be together It was also a time when my husband was in the process of strategically planning his career and the next steps with that.
00:06:56
Speaker
Him and his business partners had been planning for a few months to start their own firm. It had been something he had been wanting to do since I'd known him. And so it was never going to be any easier. So I was just like, you better do it now before I change my mind.
00:07:13
Speaker
yeah. There was a lot going on. It was March of 2021 when I got diagnosed and we had my first daughter's birthday is in March. So we were getting ready to have her birthday party and we were doing our thing. I love a good birthday party. So we were going on with life.
00:07:32
Speaker
Things seemed to be really good. You know, like dreams were coming true. Like what was important at that time? Just the aspirations and goals, I think, that we had as a family. We had planned on one day maybe executing, and those things were finally coming to fruition. The timing was just right.
00:07:53
Speaker
My biggest prayer at that time was, Lord, help me be a good wife and a good mother right now because my husband is going to be MIA, starting this company, working hard.
00:08:06
Speaker
It's going to be for the benefit of our family. Help me not be resentful at him being good. on, help me be a good mom during this time. Those were my concerns and my prayers during that time.
00:08:19
Speaker
What was the most important thing to you at that time? I think I was still kind of getting into a space of being comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I was making some choices that were different and out of my comfort zone. And I kind of felt like that was my new focus.
00:08:38
Speaker
The girls were getting a little bit older and i always said when they were able to be in school and I had a little bit more time on my hands, I would start doing things for myself and filling my time intentionally to achieve some goals that I maybe had for myself that I didn't have the time for when you have little babies.
00:08:59
Speaker
Here's my perspective of pre-diagnosis, Helena. And this is going to be really interesting because I don't know that I've ever said this to you. I don't think you have. I worried for you and your husband that because there had been success, because there had been multiplication, and because there had been such enjoyment in those spaces, that you were losing sight of the eternal things. And I didn't know how to say that to you. You know, it was just, ah I noticed this, like, this is something that's different. And not that it affected our relationship necessarily.
Friends & Family Support
00:09:34
Speaker
yeah Same as always. I think we've always been able to look at each other and go, you know, good for you. That's your life. Yeah. Yeah. and not really get too high or too low about that, even when it's something really extreme. But that was what I noticed.
00:09:48
Speaker
It was lovely and pleasant, and it felt a little surfacy. if im It was lacking some depth that is necessary for a full and abundant life.
00:09:59
Speaker
You heard it here first, everyone including Helena. That's probably fair. And i think part of what I was alluding to when I was saying my plan for the next steps during that time for myself, one of the things was starting to facilitate and lead a Bible study.
00:10:18
Speaker
I had been leading a small group with my husband for many years, but felt like I relied on him too heavily to lead the conversations, to speak with that depth, with that knowledge of scripture. So I think I felt that.
00:10:35
Speaker
I think I felt what you were maybe seeing. It's not like I had done it and then I stopped. I don't know that I had ever really, I never really dove into that. Or if I had, it maybe wasn't done well.
00:10:46
Speaker
So I think I see what but you were picking up there. One other thing that I noticed that looking back, and I've thought about this often, you cut your hair. i did, yeah. And donated it. I did. Yes. So I was turning 30. I was like, you know what? I'm going to do something different and do a good deed in the process, right? I'm going to donate my hair.
00:11:06
Speaker
It was very long. And that was kind of my identity. My long hair. Both Yeah, we very much took pride in some long, long hair. So that's life before. Can you walk us through how you got to the point of even going to the doctor and the diagnosis itself and what stands out to you, what you remember?
00:11:24
Speaker
Yeah, so I had mentioned my older daughter was five going on six. So we were planning her birthday party in March. We had to cancel her birthday party the year prior because of COVID. So I was like, oh baby, here we go. We're going to make up for lost times. We're going to have an awesome birthday party in the backyard. And we did. It was...
00:11:49
Speaker
So much fun. It was a great birthday party. So that night, we finished everything for the party, getting ready to go to bed. And i was in the shower and felt a very noticeable one. I had never experienced anything like that before. So I had had certain issues when nursing my my babies. So I was kind of like, ah kind of feels like that, but it doesn't feel right. No, it wasn't there before.
00:12:17
Speaker
And so I went downstairs and I showed my husband. I was like, you you can see that, right? I could show this lump. It was so visible. And you had not noticed it even like the day before? Never noticed it. This was the first time. he does, of course, like what many husbands I'm sure would do is to say, oh, I'm sure it's nothing. do you know? It's probably, I've heard of like...
00:12:42
Speaker
people getting cysts and, you know, not trying to like discount my fear, but also trying to say like, there's so many things that it could be. Don't jump to conclusions too quickly. So that was a Saturday night. So I called my doctor first thing Monday morning. I actually had the opportunity to talk to the woman who answered the phone that morning a couple weeks ago, actually.
00:13:07
Speaker
to tell her and how much I appreciated her in this exact moment. But I called my doctor, a familiar voice answered the phone and she recognized my voice and said, Hey, how are you doing? And I said, I'm not sure.
00:13:21
Speaker
I hope I'm doing okay, but I'm not sure. I found a lump in my left breast. And she got really quiet and she's like, okay, let's, let's see when we can get you in. So they were able to get me in that next day.
00:13:36
Speaker
saw the doctor and she just did an exam and she said, i don't know what this is. i can't, obviously can't say for sure, but there's definitely something there and we're going to get checked out.
00:13:46
Speaker
That happened and they weren't able to get me in for imaging for
Treatment Plan & Challenges
00:13:52
Speaker
about a week and a half or so. And in that time was my kids' spring break.
00:13:58
Speaker
So it worked out because we had a trip planned to go to Disney World. So here I am walking around Disney World like, Just gonna put that on the back burner and just try to enjoy my kids. And it was just a really, really good, sweet time. We got back from the trip and it was the next week and it was a very early appointment. I remember I was the first appointment that day. So I go in there and it was dark because like the sun had literally barely come up.
00:14:29
Speaker
So it was very quiet and I had never had a mammogram. I was only 34 years old. Never had family history or any reason to do this in the past. The nurses were great and did a mammogram.
00:14:42
Speaker
And they told me the next steps I would have to go and do an ultrasound. i go to do the ultrasound and I'm laying there and the nurse is doing the ultrasound. And next thing I know, the doctor comes very quickly walking into the room and she's like leaning over the shoulder of the woman who's doing my ultrasound and she's telling her what she wants to see. And my stomach just sinks.
00:15:10
Speaker
Okay. I remember they had painted tiles on the ceiling. They had like somebody had and a beautiful artist had done like a painting on the tile of the ceiling. And I just remember staring at it, trying not to cry, but like I couldn't help it. Just, just fear, but like trying to be strong because not knowing I needed to like pay attention to what they were doing. They finished the ultrasound and the doctor had me come back into her office The lights were very low.
00:15:38
Speaker
Like I vividly remember that. I'm assuming because she wanted us to be able to see her computer screen very well. And she had all of my images on the computer. I don't remember her exact verbiage, but she essentially was saying she couldn't say for sure what they were.
00:15:53
Speaker
She didn't like the way it looked. I remember her kind of using that verbiage. I don't know what it is, but I don't like the way it that it looks and was explaining things to me while looking at the images.
00:16:04
Speaker
And I just lost it. I just was like, no, that no. And can't remember if the other nurse had been there the whole time or if she called her in.
00:16:15
Speaker
And I, all I just remember saying was, I have, I have kids. No, have I have two babies. no That can't be what you're saying. They told me that they needed to biopsy and they had a cancellation that morning.
00:16:32
Speaker
had to wait a little bit, but I was able to get biopsied. I was able to, in that break in between, call my husband and tell him it it it wasn't good. they They didn't like what they saw and they weren't going to let me leave until they biopsied. And so he immediately came. he Although he was there, was not able to come into the room with me because of COVID.
00:16:57
Speaker
So he had to wait in the waiting room while I had the biopsy done, which is terrible. You kind of just hear like biopsy and it just kind of sounds like you get a strep swab or something. I had no idea what that exactly entailed, but very unpleasant, very painful.
00:17:17
Speaker
And I just remember staring up at that ceiling tile again and the doctor being very sweet to explain everything that she was doing. I just remember her voice being very comforting. Like she had a very comforting presence and just being very grateful for that. She said, we will call you within 48 hours. Got to send us off to pathology. They'll let us know.
00:17:39
Speaker
I left and was just like, well, what the heck am I supposed to do now? We went home and just tried to act normal. And I remember that next day i was supposed to take my older daughter to tutoring. Typically, I would drop her off at 3.30. Her tutor texts me and said, I need some time. I'm running late. Give me 15 minutes.
00:18:03
Speaker
And I'm telling her, go get your shoes on. We got to go to tutoring. Like, mind you, like, had this been a normal day, i would have already been in the car driving to tutoring. But I was at home. Within that time, my phone rang.
00:18:17
Speaker
And it was the doctor. My husband, thankfully, was standing right next to me. I was trying to get the phone on speaker so that he could hear it with me. And in the time that I was doing that is when she actually said, it's cancer.
00:18:32
Speaker
And I just remember thinking, maybe I heard her wrong. Maybe that wasn't right. And we were in the dining room and I just remember... Just physical shock, not being able to feel my body, hearing words. I don't honestly remember anything she said.
00:18:50
Speaker
I just remember sitting there and just like sobbing, like uncontrollably, just like, what just but And yeah, we just sat there for a minute.
00:19:00
Speaker
I had told maybe just a few people, whenever they had said, we're going to need to biopsy, I started panicking. And I remember, I think I texted just a couple of people and was like, I i need i need prayer.
00:19:14
Speaker
i need prayer right now. I forgot about that. Yeah. nice yeah I remember. So I started frantically texting, just saying, I'm sure I didn't give a lot of context, but it was just like, this is happening.
00:19:26
Speaker
And so one of the people that I had told was a good friend of ours. We're very close family friends. Either I or I'm sure my husband had texted her and her husband because they were waiting to know what the results were. And somehow we missed each other's text messages. So as we had texted saying it's cancer, apparently they had texted saying we're on our way, which that was the other...
00:19:54
Speaker
fun twist to the story that was march 25th and my husband had scheduled to start his company that next day march 26th so knowing that he was starting his job or starting his company they were on their way because true to who they are they wanted to give him a gift To say good luck. They had no knowledge that we had just received this information, this news.
00:20:20
Speaker
But they were already on their way to give him a gift. Within a matter of minutes, they were in our house. And I just collapsed in her arms. And that was kind of the beginning of trying to figure out what to do.
00:20:35
Speaker
I think it's important that people understand how chaotic and how inopportune of a moment that diagnosis was. yeah It wasn't just that he was starting his company. There was so much strategy that was happening behind the scenes. And it was, it had to be a picture perfect handoff.
00:20:52
Speaker
Correct. Yeah. Separating from one and commencing another. And there was so much synchronization that was happening in the background. And it was going to be a lot of hands-on communication. So his day was already very, very full. And not to say that his job was more important. However, that is the livelihood that's supporting your household. Right. Right.
00:21:16
Speaker
And his job is supporting others and things that are really important to them. And so there was a lot of relationship management that was going on in probably the lowest moment of your entire lives up to that point.
00:21:28
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, there was legal teams that were flown in to help support with this transition. And he said, we'll just, we'll postpone it. And I told him, you're not going to do that because- Whether I'm here or I'm not, like you're going have to support the girls.
00:21:50
Speaker
I'll be fine. Like it was kind of like this space of I'm not doing anything. I'm literally just sitting here. Yeah. There's nothing you could do at that moment. Right. You might as well go do something productive since I can't.
00:22:02
Speaker
Yeah. You did text our friend group. So we were kind of getting it time released. So it was like, you did say you had found a lump. I think my mind went the same place as your husband of just like, that's probably nothing.
00:22:13
Speaker
And I knew you had had some difficulty nursing. And so it was like, well, you went through some stuff, you know, and so maybe this is just your body trying to just deal with all of that trauma or whatever. Because i think just common thread of humanity, i don't think we can go to worst case in those moments. There's just denial. It's just like, there's yeah, that happens, but not to us. That's not thing. And helena's healthy she's fine like i've seen her she's great she's good like there there's a lump same thing as what your husband's saying like it's probably sis so i was aware of it but i wasn't terribly concerned it was just like i know she's concerned and i would be too if i were her but it's gonna be fine and i was just waiting for news and it was like
00:22:54
Speaker
What struck me about it is when it started to sink in that this was serious is how quickly they fast-tracked you through all the different tests. And I was like, this is not good.
00:23:05
Speaker
So even before you told us about the diagnosis, I already had that same feeling of just like, this is not going to be good. And then it was the confirmation was like, no, same thing. It was like, that's not going to happen. That's not happening. Right. Right.
00:23:23
Speaker
And then i we FaceTimed each other, i think right after. don't remember. Yeah. Okay. Like right after and just stared at each other because it was just like, what, what?
00:23:35
Speaker
Like, there's nothing to say. What do you say? You can't fix this. I can't fix this. Like, you know, and what does this mean? And by the way, I win. I'm crying like a baby now. I remember saying a prayer and I remember praying for your girls and just being angry of what I was having to ask for in that moment.
00:23:56
Speaker
Like, are you seriously, like, am I really asking God to protect these two girls if Helena's not here? yeah How did we find ourselves in this position? And that was that was a low point.
00:24:08
Speaker
And just feeling like we were far away from each other. There's nothing I can do. i can't be there. And if I were to be there, it actually would be worse because... Logistically, then they would have to kind of rearrange, you know, so that I could be there, whatever. Like the only thing I could do is stay away and pray, which I hate when people say the only thing you can do and pray. That's the best thing you can do. But we want to do actionable things that we can see make a difference. And there just wasn't any of that.
00:24:35
Speaker
And I mean, all of us, can't. I'm sure you know this conceptually, but now you get to hear it since we get to revisit it. We're all texting each other, ah the rest of the friend group, like, what do we do? Because we're, by the way, all dispersed.
00:24:50
Speaker
So nobody in our friend group lives where Helena is. So it was like, there's nothing we can do. One of our friends is also just kind of a nervous Nelly. And so she needs to do something immediately. she was losing her mind. i mean, we all were, but it was like, what do we do?
00:25:04
Speaker
We got to, this is it a care package. We got to do something. It was just like, we were losing our minds. But, and this is probably not the last time I will make a comment like this.
00:25:14
Speaker
The point that I'm trying to make in this is like, I was devastated. We all were devastated. gutted and horrified and terrified. And yet we recognized that that was not your burden to carry. You were already carrying and impressively heavy burden with the news that you had just received. And while we would have, certainly me, desired to process our grief with someone who we've processed so much of our grief with, we could not run to you. We sort of had to retreat from you and collaborate with each other so that you could have
00:25:50
Speaker
space to process the things that you needed to process. But it was miserable. Like it was so miserable to not, I called our very nervous friend who was my roommate for years. That's not who i thought you were talking about.
00:26:03
Speaker
Oh, I guess we do have two of them. yeah I know why I think the other one, but yeah, they're going to hear this and be like, who am I? Anyway. You know who you are. You know you're nervous. It's fine. called her and was like, just wept and was like, I feel like I am losing my best friend while she's still alive. There were just these moments that it was like, I
Emotional Reflection & Identity
00:26:24
Speaker
just want to talk to you about this, or I just want to know what's happening.
00:26:28
Speaker
And I cannot put that on you. I have to give you the space to share what you want to share when it's time and to not expect you to give me information before you're ready to And the same thing for your husband. It was like, you know, normally he's a pretty good relationship manager when he needs to fill that role.
00:26:48
Speaker
yeah And that was not his role. it like to acknowledge anybody who's going through this in a community where they feel like the relationship changes, it does temporarily. And that's okay. Sometimes the best thing you can do is pay attention and read the room and give space where space is needed. And y'all needed some space.
00:27:08
Speaker
And you guys were surrounded and are surrounded by and incredible community, which is not the case for everybody. But like for y'all, you have such an amazing community of people who love and care for you who are local.
00:27:21
Speaker
And so it wasn't like, well, we need to back off and they need to figure it out themselves. It was like, not only do we need to back off and they need to figure out what their new normal is going to be, but they are well supported. So I don't need to be in their nitty gritty day to day because they have people who can come and pick up the girls when they just need a minute or who can bring them a meal or, you know, those things. God, that sucked. It sucked. It was so bad all around.
00:27:46
Speaker
Yeah. I don't disagree. I know. That's, I mean, but I like, I'm so thankful that we can finally have this conversation and go, wasn't that so terrible? Was that not just like the, yeah.
00:27:58
Speaker
Yeah, well, I mean, we quickly remembered my husband's coping mechanism when he's scared and uncomfortable as humor. Oh. He was making all kinds of jokes and stuff. So we have things that we can look back on even in the really dark moments and kind of laugh.
00:28:16
Speaker
But like also one thing that was shared with us by a friend who had his own cancer journey to to just be mindful that the time between diagnosis and prognosis is like the darkest time of your life.
00:28:35
Speaker
And I agree. From the time that we got that call to the time that I was sitting in front of a doctor, i mean, you kind of go through roller coaster of all the emotions where i think as a believer, you're really tested. Like if you believe what you say you believe and death is right there, just like the friend that was not invited to the party, you know, just just sitting right there.
00:29:01
Speaker
Do you welcome that in a way that says, I knew that was my fate anyways? How do you deal with that? How do you process that? And so part of me would go in between the ideas of, well, what is it like when you die? Will I get to see Jesus and get to ask him all these questions? Do I get to see my mom? Do I get to see my grandma? Do I get to see heaven? it Like all those questions that you wonder and then you just go about your life. Those were real thoughts. Is this the way that my life ends?
00:29:37
Speaker
Is this going to be the last chapter? And then kind of having a unexplainable peace and acceptance of that. you know, I prayed to not suffer if that's how it was going to be. But then also saying like, God, like I believe that you're good and I want to see you and be with you. And then the pendulum swinging to anger and grieving for my girls to know that all the things that I wanted my mom for, all the milestones, the graduations, the baby showers, my wedding, you know, just wanting my mom, ah just like,
00:30:16
Speaker
A kid. And knowing if I died, like that's the reality that my kids will have as well. And then turning to my husband and saying, if I die and I'm not here, you just have to promise me that if you get remarried, that whoever you marry has to be very good to the girls.
00:30:37
Speaker
Love them like I would and just be the right sweet, perfect person. And then you also have to promise me that she will be very, very ugly.
00:30:52
Speaker
but Like really ugly, like homely. Bless his heart. He lost Helena and she, she's a really sweet stepmom.
00:31:05
Speaker
boy. did he agree to that? Um, he told me to shut up. because he didn't want to hear it. Yeah, that's fair.
00:31:14
Speaker
He's like, I don't like either of these possibilities. Right? Neither these sound good. It doesn't matter. Cancer-free. Cancer-free, we're telling this story. Elena is cancer-free. Speaking of your husband, I wonder, did his strengths play to those conversations that you had with your doctors?
00:31:32
Speaker
Just him being able to process information objectively, take good notes, ask good questions, all that. Oh, gosh. The way that his brain operates, it's just fascinating to me. In times of crisis is when that man shines.
00:31:49
Speaker
Mm-hmm. He's like challenge accepted. He just was laser focused on what needs to be done. Like, who are you? Like, you're not human.
00:31:59
Speaker
This isn't, this is not normal. Yeah. And he, from my personal experience of just interaction with him at that time, like he didn't ever lose graciousness or patience. He never turned into a grumpy. I'm sure you both had plenty of moments of grumpy, but in terms of the way that he managed relationships didn't change.
00:32:19
Speaker
Well, that's good. I mean, I'll second that for me. I mean, he was very patient with me because, i mean, there's a lot, honestly, that I don't, I couldn't tell you like a lot of details. So he might yeah have like some objections.
00:32:32
Speaker
I think there was just a lot of, or these are these our final days together? So like we just loved each other really well. Can you talk about like you get diagnosed? What was the prognosis? what What was your diagnosis and what was your prognosis?
00:32:45
Speaker
It was... stage three triple negative breast cancer, which means it is the most aggressive, most deadly form of breast cancer. At that point, I didn't even know there was all these different types of breast cancers. From what they could see, and had not spread. And I remember the doctor saying, we are planning to treat with the intent to cure.
00:33:09
Speaker
I remember but kind of fixating on my hair. Like, like what are these treatments? Yeah. What are they going to do to me? So you get diagnosed. If you heard our intro conversation, you know that Helena's mom passed away. How old was your mom when she passed away?
00:33:24
Speaker
She was 47. You learned through your diagnosis that you had the BRCA mutation. Yes. And we learned through process of elimination. My dad went and got tested and was not a carrier. So it was from my mom that I received this gene.
00:33:40
Speaker
And you would have, you and none of your other ah siblings would have known that because of When your mom passed away. Right. So you're diagnosed. What a merciful way that your doctor said that we're treating to cure, giving you hope and understanding. This is our intent and this is what we expect.
00:33:56
Speaker
And obviously they can't make guarantees, but it was so thankful for that terminology that he used. So what was it like and how did you tell your girls? Well,
00:34:08
Speaker
My older daughter was six. We didn't really tell them a lot, you know, because they were so little. My younger daughter was two.
00:34:19
Speaker
was kind of in between their birthdays. And I recall asking, let's just wait to start these treatments until after her birthday. And they were like, no, we need you to start now.
00:34:32
Speaker
So she was, you know, still two. Not a lot of conversation, but just more so kind of explaining as things were happening in age appropriate ways. Like you are going to go with this friend for a little while because mommy has a doctor's appointment.
00:34:48
Speaker
We kind of just, it was more in real time. Okay. So we get to treatment. Yeah. When did that start from the time you got diagnosed until treatment started? It was a matter of weeks.
00:35:00
Speaker
I had to undergo a procedure to have a port put in. So there was a little bit of lag time there, but it wasn't very long after diagnosis. They didn't even ask what my availability was.
00:35:14
Speaker
They were just, just put me on the schedule. At one point, I stopped answering the phone. I was so tired of nurses telling me what appointment I was supposed to be at, at what time.
00:35:27
Speaker
My mailbox was full. I just got to a point where I was like, I i need a break. Yeah. So you start treatment.
00:35:38
Speaker
Can you just walk us through the actual medical part of like, what treatments were you receiving? Frequency, all that stuff. Yeah, so i had two different types of chemo treatments.
00:35:50
Speaker
And the first chemo that I had is referred to as AC. Those are just the acronyms used. There's two different drugs The first drug being the A, the second one being the C. It is referred to in the chemo world as the red devil, rightfully so.
00:36:10
Speaker
I would joke with my nurses because, once again, sense of humor in the time of crisis. I told them if they ever wanted or you know anybody ever asked their advice for a method of torture, just put a little of this in their system. I think it would and would work.
00:36:28
Speaker
So I went in for my first treatment. Once again, COVID. My husband couldn't come in with me. The building that my treatments were in, it was windows all the way around. So my chair was right next to a window.
00:36:44
Speaker
The parking lot surrounded the building. Because he couldn't come in with me, I told him where I'm just going to tell him what side of the building I was going to be on. And then he came and parked his car right outside that window so that I could see him.
00:37:00
Speaker
I could see out, but he couldn't see it. So he couldn't like really see anything, but just knew I was there. And so i just remember walking in and mind you, this wasn't just a ah treatment center for just breast cancer. Not only is it not, yeah know it's it's not just breast cancer.
00:37:19
Speaker
i am the youngest person by a lot. So I'm getting looks like, why are you here? Like there's these little frail elderly people. Then I'm just prancing through.
00:37:32
Speaker
Not prancing, but you know. And I just remember the nurse that I had, she was so sweet, was walking me in and I had a mask on because it was still COVID. So I'm wearing my mask and I'm so glad that I had my mask on because it could kind of hide my face because I was uncontrollably sobbing. Because it's literally like, I don't want to be here.
00:37:53
Speaker
I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. And I'm just sitting there sobbing. Everybody's looking at me because they're like, who's this
Post-Treatment Celebration & Reflections
00:38:01
Speaker
kid? And then I'm crying.
00:38:03
Speaker
And so she was so sweet. And she was like, tell me what, tell me what's going on. What are you thinking? And I said, I don't want to be here. And she was like, I understand. And she just let me have a minute. She just let me sit there for a second.
00:38:17
Speaker
So I explained to her that my husband was outside the building and she could see him. He's like, you know what? We're going to make him a sign. And he was like, okay. And so I told him that we were to make him a sign so that he could see where I'm at.
00:38:31
Speaker
And so she made a sign that said, hi, John! exclamation point and she put it real big And we taped it to the window. he was on the side of the building where there was like a slope to the parking lot. And so there was like this retention wall.
00:38:49
Speaker
And so he climbed up on the retention wall and just stood there so that I could see him. His nickname with the nursing staff the whole time was, oh, he's the guy, the guy that climbed the wall. I'm like, yes, that is that is my husband. Yes.
00:39:05
Speaker
So... That was the beginning and it was pretty terrible. There was a lot of sensations that I wasn't anticipating during the actual like administering of the treatment because they would access my port, which is like essentially like a little, don't know, like a little tube.
00:39:29
Speaker
that they put in your chest that instead of having to access a vein in your arm, they just access this port through your chest. And they would later give me lidocaine so that I didn't feel the needles, but I didn't have that for the first day.
00:39:45
Speaker
And so I remember one of the nurses coming over and holding my hand, just kind of being there with me. It was just a weird sensation to feel something getting pushed into your body.
00:39:57
Speaker
And then they would tape it to me. So it didn't go anywhere. The types of medicines that I took, I had some steroids. And don't know if anybody's ever had to take a steroid for something, but they taste nasty.
00:40:11
Speaker
Oh my gosh. It is terrible. Even though they were putting something in my port, I could taste it. Yeah. Ugh. It was just awful.
00:40:21
Speaker
And like, I didn't know to anticipate all of this. And so I'm like, literally like, what is that? So I'm like freaking out. And she's like explaining, okay, this is what it is. And I'm like, thanks for the warning.
00:40:32
Speaker
One of the other drugs they gave me, I had to eat. ice as they were giving it to me because it was supposed to shrink the blood vessels in my mouth to try to prevent sores in my mouth.
00:40:44
Speaker
So it's like I'm freezing. I'm sitting there eating ice. Meanwhile, it tastes disgusting. So it's like, oh, note to self, bring something yummy next time, like an icy.
00:40:55
Speaker
And then I would just... Bring a book and watch my friends reruns. And I wasn't there for too long, but it was, you know. How many treatments a week? Because I know I remember Devil was what once a month, once every three weeks.
00:41:10
Speaker
So it was four treatments and it was done every other week. Okay. They would give me the treatment. It would literally be a week of absolute hell. Like I couldn't get out of bed.
00:41:21
Speaker
I could barely get down fluids. I remember the first treatment. We went out to lunch afterwards. Like I was trying so hard to just pretend like everything was normal. Like we're going to go to lunch. we're gonna like Like I didn't just get cancer treatments.
00:41:36
Speaker
The medicine would just give me like random tastes of like metallic, like randomly. So I would just go, oh, oh. And I'd have to like get a mint or get a, I would have like hard candies in my purse at all times.
00:41:50
Speaker
I remember the first treatment and not only did I get my first chemo treatment, But the next day, I had to get my first COVID vaccine because they were afraid of if I got COVID, you know, as my immune system was getting depleted, all that.
00:42:10
Speaker
Those were horrible. Those first vaccines were really, people were really feeling it. I just remember waking up and feeling this feeling that I had never had before. The only way that I know how to describe it is just to think about the worst cold you have ever had where you just hurt literally on the inside. You just feel like something is attached.
00:42:33
Speaker
attacking my body and I just need like something. I need to get better and like multiply that by 10. And that is the way that I felt. And I remember looking at my husband and saying, I can't do this.
00:42:48
Speaker
If this is what it is, i can't do this. I don't think I could do this. Yeah. And he had to remind me. He said, it's not going to be like this always. It's going to, you know, just be like this for a few days and then you're going to get better.
00:43:02
Speaker
So they did four rounds of that. And then I switched to a different chemo that was once a week. And I did 12 rounds of that. Towards the end, we had to keep postponing my treatments because I was not healthy enough to receive another chemo treatment because my white blood cell count was not getting to the levels that they needed it.
00:43:26
Speaker
it took a little bit longer. So it was ah about five and a half months, almost six months of treatments. And so you you did lose your hair? Yeah. I want to say from my perspective, because I was sort of miraculously able to come visit. I think you guys, especially in the beginning, were like, nobody. Like, just give us our space. Yeah.
00:43:46
Speaker
But i had lived in the same city that Helena and her husband and family live in now. So I had lived there and established some friendships and relationships before that. And so it just worked out.
00:43:57
Speaker
i had a friend that I was coming to visit anyway. And so I was able to be like, hey, I'll be in town. No pressure. I'm here for you if you're available. But like, I'm not coming in town just for you. If I can see you, great. If I can't, I totally understand. Thankfully, i was able to see you.
00:44:13
Speaker
ah several times, which was great. But I like walking into your space in the middle of chemo one, like you didn't have any hair. So there were times you were wearing a wig, but then there were times that you were just walking around with your cap on. and And what i what I witnessed was beautiful.
00:44:32
Speaker
Like there's, i can't, I cannot even describe how in awe I was because you were not complaining and you were not wallowing.
00:44:44
Speaker
you were living, even though it was really difficult. And even though you had lost for a period, those things that you felt like were your identity, not one single time did you complain. And it didn't feel like you were trying to avoid it. It was just, you were just putting one foot in front of the other.
00:45:05
Speaker
and so she was still kind of floating around her house, being a mom and being a wife and being a friend and living. And so it was, I have this picture in my mind of you you, know, like water retention, skull cap on. And ah just thought like, you have never been more beautiful than this moment.
00:45:28
Speaker
You were so fully surrendered. And it felt like there was just this level of gratitude and resolve. that you just, it was just a deeper level. and I was so proud of you.
00:45:39
Speaker
and I was so just inspired. Yeah. I would never wish anything like this on anyone, but i do hope everyone gets to experience something like that.
00:45:52
Speaker
It was a, it was a beautiful Testament of like, when you got diagnosed, I felt so powerless. The prayer that i had was like, first of all, this sucks and how dare you. But second of all,
00:46:04
Speaker
If anything good can come out of this, God, please just let them see you and know you and see themselves and know themselves better for this. Let them be the better for this situation.
00:46:18
Speaker
And what I saw... In your living room was that transformation happening. There was a part of you that was dying. I mean, chemo does. It kills a lot of things. But like the part that was dying was the part that needed to be. You were actually being resurrected to new life.
00:46:33
Speaker
And like I got to witness that. And I hated that you were sick. And I am so thankful for that experience at the same time. It needs to be said that although it was awful, and although you had this physical war in your body, and although you had all these fears, and although there were all kinds of other things that were happening that were making life harder for you at that time, one, you were not complaining, and two, you were already such a beautiful person before, but somehow...
00:47:08
Speaker
this horrible experience was making you something different. It's something new, still you, but a ah much more beautiful version. You know, i mean, it's if the Bible says I've been crucified with Christ, it's no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me to willing to do according to his good purpose. But there's a surrender that happens with that. And sometimes that surrender comes from being faced with actual death.
00:47:33
Speaker
yeah So know that, I saw it and I can i can tell, i could say what I saw. It was one of those moments and there have been many where it was like, these things can exist together somehow. We can live in this broken, terrible world where death and destruction exist and there can still be unspeakable beauty in the midst of that. And that was such a picture of what was happening there. We're going to get through this somehow. None of us are going to have any makeup when this is over, but we're to get through Thank you.
00:48:05
Speaker
So I saw that. Like, what were the things that carried you through the really, really, really hard moments? HGTV and Friends reruns.
00:48:17
Speaker
God bless them. All of them Thank you to all of you. I mean, o i know there were a really hard moments. The times that I was able to feel like,
00:48:29
Speaker
as close to normal as I could. You know, if I can meet a friend for lunch, if I could hold my girls and rock them to sleep, it was really hard as I was losing my hair because my younger daughter would often play with my hair.
00:48:45
Speaker
i mean, she still plays with my hair. So as a baby, she would do that. So that was, that was hard to have to tell her, no, you can't play with mommy's hair. So then she would start crying. i would start crying. everybody Everybody's crying.
00:48:59
Speaker
I think just to have a moment where they would sleep on my chest or to snuggle up on the couch or to go to their dance recital and still be able to help them change into their costume. I just remember wearing a wig in the middle of summer is not comfortable.
00:49:18
Speaker
And just being so uncomfortable at times, but managing to still do the things that I loved to do for them. Like I got to make my younger daughter a birthday cake and I was just really excited to still get to do that.
00:49:34
Speaker
Just those little moments just where I could muster up enough strength or it was just a good day. Like there were days that were good where I felt somewhat normal. So I think kind of holding on to those moments in the midst of the bad ones was helpful.
00:49:51
Speaker
And I think a friend of ours who had been diagnosed with cancer and had been talking to my husband about just some advice that He told him that this is going to be ah time in your life where you are going to feel the most love you've ever felt.
00:50:08
Speaker
And like the worst reason to have to be receiving that love. It was a very true statement. And I think I was so incredibly humbled at the amount of support that we received.
00:50:23
Speaker
I knew we had great friends, family. I knew that we had all those things, but we had not been through anything abnormal that would have required a lot of help from them. And I was a very proud person. You know, I'm a stay-at-home mom.
00:50:37
Speaker
No, I don't need help. Yeah, I just had a baby, but it's fine. I i got it. And this sense of feeling that if I had to ask for help, I wasn't doing something well. So I think to be in a position where the only option is to receive help, seeing how many people came to our rescue, really, and took care of our physical needs and tried to make sure that our girls were taken care of. I think that also gave me a perspective and an ability to kind of understand something had never experienced before. Yeah.
00:51:15
Speaker
I was able to see that in real time. I was able to recognize that while it was happening. I don't know if I said this before or like during or maybe I made this statement afterwards, but I said that God had to knock me on my back to get me to look up because I was too proud to accept help or to say that I was incapable of running the show.
00:51:39
Speaker
What I was able to experience was the church being the church. Like you're not meant to live on your own. And God, all the gifts that he's given me that i had so much pride in to take care of myself, like not only has he gifted those to other people, but some people are better at them than I am.
00:52:00
Speaker
So it's like i'm I'm hurting myself by not being willing to be humble and receive. I'm also actively defying God by not allowing his church to work by his design.
00:52:16
Speaker
Yep. You're not letting the bride be the bride. Yeah. And it's so crazy that it's like when we lean on each other and bear each other's burdens, that that gives him, that brings him glory. But it's like, that's, what he wants. And when you do it, you get to experience the beauty of it. Yeah. Cause like bearing each other's burdens, like that to me was like, Oh, somebody can't do something for themselves right now. So yeah, let me pick up your slack.
00:52:39
Speaker
You know, if I'm being honest, like I don't think I really even understood what that meant, but I had a family friend. She's a teacher at our kid's school and she really stepped in and really helped us. And she kept saying to me anytime I would say,
00:52:55
Speaker
like oh, I'm so sorry. Or this happened and I didn't, I don't want anybody to be upset with me or go out of their way. And she would just like hush me and she would go receive, receive, receive.
00:53:09
Speaker
And I was like, I don't know how to do Yeah. It was a learning curve for sure. It was cool to watch that. Cause that was, I mean, we all knew that looking in from the outside, like we knew Helena and her husband, they don't want no help.
00:53:26
Speaker
They got it. Yeah. But i also was like, you would just let people, I know that you can do it. It's not the point that you're, you know, and but at this point, actually you can't do it. So yeah, that was a really sweet thing. I loved your neighborhood when you came home from your last treatment.
00:53:41
Speaker
Yeah. And those, you know, those are neighbors, actual physical neighbors. Yeah. And just like the signs that they had to welcome you home and stuff. I thought that was so sweet. Well, that was like, if you could be inside my head when that was happening, they had signs in their yard and I was reading them and I saw these signs and I thought, oh, it's somebody's birthday because there have been times where there was a kid's birthday and they had signs up.
00:54:07
Speaker
And so i'm reading these signs and I was like, you're brave. You're so strong. I'm like, these are the weirdest birthday signs I have ever seen in my life. What birthday is this?
00:54:18
Speaker
And so it after a second, it was so unexpected such a sweet thing to do. i just started weeping like uncontrollably. And then I got to the house.
00:54:29
Speaker
They had put yard signs that... ah professionally put together yard sign that said, yay, like last day of chemo. i And there was like balloons everywhere. it was really unexpected and super, super sweet to come home to.
00:54:45
Speaker
i want to ask this question. And if we want to take it out, we can take it out, whatever. But okay we did some notes ahead of time and it was like, you had some things you want to say, but I really want to know this. So now that you're on the other side of it and I'm pretty well removed from it, is there anything that you refused to let yourself lament about in the moment that you would like to now just kind of address in hindsight?
00:55:09
Speaker
As far as like a feeling or like headspace, not that I can... think of. I will tell you though, I received a lot of mail during that time.
00:55:23
Speaker
A lot of encouraging notes and letters and some of them from people I had never even met. which was mind-blowing to me. They just were friends of friends who had experienced something similar either themselves or through a family member and just wanted to let me know that they were praying for me.
00:55:46
Speaker
I have all of those notes in the top drawer of my nightstand. And for whatever reason, I have not been able to bring myself to look at them I read them as I came in. I may have acknowledged them, you know, acknowledged the person who sent them the time, but i haven't been able to really sit and like just sift through them.
00:56:12
Speaker
could i just And if I'm doing well I'm like, uh, I don't yeah want to go back there. Yeah. You know, I have an amazing counselor, shout out to Joy, who I continue to see throughout my treatments.
00:56:27
Speaker
And she really helped me unpack a lot of the things. You know, I do recognize that there's space for things to to revisit, but I just, yeah, that is one thing that I have yet to do.
00:56:39
Speaker
That makes sense. And I think it's coming. yeah But I do think there's this like just common thread of humanity, you know, difficult things for myself that I've experienced too. It's like you, you kind of sh shrink back from that because you know how crappy it was. Like when you're going into it, you don't know how bad it's going to be. And so you don't know what else to do, but to experience it. But once you know how bad it is, you don't want to revisit that.
00:57:00
Speaker
And it's not to say you shouldn't. Right. It's to say that there's another level of trust that you're learning to revisit that and go, my God is still good. Yeah. And I am safe, no matter what happens, I am safe.
00:57:13
Speaker
And so, yeah, nobody likes to feel bad, but sometimes, and and it's not, you shouldn't relive that. you shouldn't open those every week and be like, who you know, but I think there's a time and a place.
00:57:24
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. I want to do this last part of recovery. or treatment really carefully because i recognize for myself and I think for others, every single thing that people did or said was from a place of genuine love for you.
00:57:43
Speaker
However, I think sometimes the perspective was lacking. So I don't want to dwell too much on this. And the purpose of having this conversation is support for other people. This is not to this is not to say anything about any one person. Like you can please say if I did something wrong, like call me out. I want to know.
00:58:00
Speaker
This is for others who are listening to this. potentially who are walking through this with someone that they love or someone that they know, this is just a reflective, if it can help someone else, I want to talk about, and you can just rattle them off. We don't need to dwell too long on them, but like, what were some things that maybe were said or done certainly with, you know, well-intentioned, but didn't land well, or were counterproductive, not helpful at all.
00:58:30
Speaker
So I had the amazing opportunity of making a new friend throughout all of this who was about five years ahead of me with her breast cancer journey.
00:58:40
Speaker
There was a few times, two or three times during treatment that we would meet for lunch and we would joke and say, all right. She would ask me, how many looks did you get? How many looks did you get today? Because it's like, we called it the look.
00:58:53
Speaker
You know somebody's sick. You see them from a distance and you just give them that like, oh, bless your heart. Look, you know, everybody knows what I'm talking about. Don't do that.
00:59:04
Speaker
Just smile. Like, don't give them the pity look. And I know this is me and my pride, but I think the worst thing that somebody could have done for me during that time is just pitied me.
00:59:14
Speaker
Not helpful. Yeah, not helpful at all because it just makes me feel like you're looking at me. Like she's the sick girl, bless her. Which is what's happening. Which is what's happening. And I don't need a reminder.
00:59:26
Speaker
Thank you. The problem with that is it becomes less about the person who's sick and it becomes more about how the person who's sick makes me feel. Right. My feelings about that person's experience should not go. I shouldn't promote my feelings about that person's sickness above that person's experience. Like right that's the issue with that. right It's not that you don't feel feelings about it. It's like, just be considerate. Right.
00:59:48
Speaker
I'll never forget ah one of our good friends and our in our good circle group. She called me and I was on my way to the oncologist and she had something going on and she was like, Hey, how are you doing?
00:59:59
Speaker
Like she she did ask me first, like how I'm doing. And I told her but i where I was going, what I was doing. I'm doing all right. Having an okay day. And she had something she wanted to ask my advice on. And she just proceeded to like unload and just say like, I'm struggling with this.
01:00:18
Speaker
And am I being irrational? And I just remember being able to be an encouragement to her. Feeling like I got off that phone call and I was like, She, I just felt like I was treated like a friend.
01:00:33
Speaker
I wasn't the sick girl. It wasn't a phone call to say, I'm just thinking about you and I'm so sorry. And how are you doing? And are you having a good day? She was like, I love you. How are you? Good? Cool.
01:00:46
Speaker
I have this thing going on. And she just let me be a friend to her. And feel normal. Because that would have been a normal conversation if I was sick or if I wasn't.
01:00:59
Speaker
Like that was something she was going through. i hope I was an encouragement to her. i genuinely meant everything that I said in that moment. But I just remember somebody asking me because they had a friend who was going through things.
01:01:12
Speaker
And I told her, I said, just treat her normal. Just treat her normal. Talk to her. Tell her about what you're going through. It doesn't have to always be about her. She doesn't want to talk about the hell she's going through every second. yeah Like, tell her about you.
01:01:28
Speaker
That's good. I mean, you have to know the person, obviously. And if you don't know that person well, that's also information that you need to work with. And proceed with caution in that way. Ask questions and be observant of the situation and how you could benefit it Anybody who's wanting to be helpful to somebody in crisis, just try to think about that person and so instead of yourself. Am I doing this Because I feel upset and helpless and scared and out of control of what's going on.
01:02:06
Speaker
That is a very natural way to respond. But then kind of like recognizing that and saying, going to put out a hand. But if I'm told something I don't like, this person's going through a crisis. And it's like, it's time for me to extend some grace.
01:02:23
Speaker
If you are taking a lot of things personally when somebody is literally fighting for their life. Just remember, like, it's not happening to you. just don't take things personal. Do what you can.
01:02:37
Speaker
I felt that just like frantic helplessness of like, what can I do? So one thing I did, and I don't think you guys ever listened to it and it was fine. It ended up being something for me. Like I made a Spotify playlist and I was just like, Hey, these are songs that have encouraged me.
01:02:53
Speaker
So if you need some encouragement, like here's a playlist that I made, no pressure. it's I played it this morning when I was getting ready before we started recording this, just, you know, just reminiscing and stuff. But it was like, it ended up being more for me. And it was a like, if you like it, you could take it. If not, throw it right back. You know, it yeah it was just something. i think there's things like that that are low pressure, high impact,
01:03:18
Speaker
It's just like, I'm thinking of you and I want to do something, but it doesn't cost you anything to accept it or reject it Right. And, ah you know, from the person who was not experiencing it in my physical body, but was experiencing the fear around the potential of losing my very best friend on planet Earth, there are obviously real feelings around, you know, your loved one who is experiencing this. Your loved one is not the one to process that with.
01:03:46
Speaker
Like, that's not fair. And that sucks because it's the person, i mean, you were, you are my person. So like if any tragedy or crisis outside of you being sick were to happen, you would be the person I would be going to yeah And so that was weird to not be able to process that with you, but I had to recognize, i just need to go elsewhere. Like one, I need take it to the Lord. Like I prayed so much and in such honest ways through that experience. But then also it was like,
01:04:15
Speaker
I need an outlet. I need to find someone that I can just say, you know, so that was my husband a lot of times for me. And then it was also like our mutual friends. So we would have these sidebar conversations. We were not gossiping. We were lamenting and processing and and no and trying to give you your space and and lots of blankets.
01:04:33
Speaker
I do remember you saying got an obscene amount of blankets. Yes. I got a lot of blankets, a lot of cozy socks, and a lot of coffee mugs, some books.
01:04:49
Speaker
Books were okay. and You guys sent me a beautiful care package and there were good things. I just kind of like cherry picked. Okay, well, I like that one. I like that one. I'll take this. Yeah. So if anyone needs a recommendation for the perfect blanket, we have it. It's pricey. You definitely want to do it as a a group thing.
01:05:07
Speaker
But I have given that blanket as a gift several times since your cancer treatment because everybody loves this blanket. yeah And it's a beautiful throw too, but it's got a little weight to it. Yeah. I used to use that blanket after every treatment day.
01:05:22
Speaker
You guys were always thought of because I would just make myself into a little cocoon. That was the goal. Yes. right. So I want to um briefly just talk about like recovery. So treatment's over. Yeah.
01:05:36
Speaker
And then what happens? Yeah. There's a real thing. a nurse actually labeled it because I was feeling it and I was like, why? What is this? And it's survivor's anxiety. Yeah.
01:05:48
Speaker
like you go from being at the doctor's office. I was at the doctor every single day of the week. I was getting my blood drawn. I had to get shots every day to help boost my white blood cells and all the things. I was at a doctor's office five days a week.
01:06:07
Speaker
Eyes on me. Things are happening. And then you finish And then nobody's calling you. And I'm like, does anybody want some blood? Does anybody want some vitals?
01:06:19
Speaker
Like I was, i I like had this level of anxiety because you're told you have cancer. We're going to do all the things. Now we're done. We'll see you later.
01:06:29
Speaker
And I'm like, no no, no, no, no. It just, the treatment ends just as quickly as it began. That was a really hard mental space. I didn't quite feel healthy because I didn't feel great just yet.
01:06:42
Speaker
So I was nervous. And then i ended up having a double mastectomy. It was an excruciating surgery and very painful recovery. And then you're just kind of left to say, like, I guess this is what's left of my body.
01:06:59
Speaker
Like, this is my new normal. And you have to kind of emotionally... pick up the pieces where it's like you keep your head down, you do what you have to do to literally survive. And then it's over.
01:07:12
Speaker
It's like surviving a hurricane. You just kind of like you're there, you know, the storm's over and you're alive and you kind of have to open the door and so see what is left.
01:07:22
Speaker
It would hit me in times that i that were unexpected. You know, I would be watching TV because I had my surgery in October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So there's just things all over the TV. And that was extremely triggering. I mean, it would just send me into hysteria. You know, had to go to physical therapy to know what was a normal range of motion because I had been clammed up for so long.
01:07:48
Speaker
And then trying to be a good patient and go to the gym and do those exercises and then actually recognizing what my body feels like and just being hysterical. It's like, this isn't my body.
01:08:00
Speaker
This isn't right. And it's just like, it doesn't look the same. It doesn't feel the same. But somehow I have to recognize and just reconcile with this is normal now. This is my new normal.
01:08:11
Speaker
Fun thing that happened right after treatment was you just finished chemo and a week later, what did you do? Well, I love Today Show.
01:08:23
Speaker
I love New York City. One of my very good friends was having birthday. Her husband did not want to go to New York and asked if I would want to go. i was like, twist my arm. So i let I did let my doctor know this is what I'm doing.
01:08:37
Speaker
She's like, I can't tell you. You can't. Just be careful, please. It was a mutual, unspoken understanding. We would be going to the Today Show. We're going to make our signs, all the things, be on the plaza. And it happened to be a coincidence that we were going to be there on October 1st.
01:08:55
Speaker
And the show was going to be painting the plaza pink and celebrating breast cancer awareness. and So I was in that limbo. I was in between finishing chemo and not having my surgery just quite yet. We got to go and I remember I was shopping for something to wear because i was going to wear something pink and it'd be new. And this woman who I met at the store I was shopping at, I told her what I was doing, why I was shopping. She bought my sweater for me.
01:09:25
Speaker
And I just burst into tears. And she's like, but the deal is you have to wear it on the show so I can see you on TV wearing it. And I was like, deal. So we got to the show. I've always been a fan. I had i've been to the Today Show a few times before that. She loves the Today Show like she loves pretzels. I mean, it's, they're very close.
01:09:43
Speaker
I knew Hoda was a breast cancer survivor I already loved her anyways. So it was, Just something that we had in common. And I decided at that point I was not going to be wearing my wig anymore. So she it was obvious that I had just been through some treatments because my hair was trying to grow, but not quite there. She came over to me you know during the commercial breaks and was like, can I get a picture? And she goes,
01:10:12
Speaker
Yeah. been waiting for you to ask. And we got our picture together. i was so excited. Give me the biggest hug. I was so happy. We were doing this whole production with this segment that they had and we were all holding signs. They're live on air. And she just walks over to me and I was like, oh yeah.
01:10:29
Speaker
I wasn't even thinking. I was like, Hoda's got a question for me. And she just holds the microphone. She's like, what's your name? I said my name. And she said, how are you doing with your treatments?
01:10:40
Speaker
And I said, just finished chemo last week. And she said, she just finished chemo last week. And everybody started screaming. And I was just like, it was happening. But it was also like, she is just so genuinely that amazing that it wasn't even this moment where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm on live television in front of so many people.
01:11:06
Speaker
It was like, oh my gosh, Hoda is chatting with me. And this feels so comfortable because like, I watch her all the time. It just felt so fun. And then like after the fact, I was like, oh dang, shoot, I was just on TV.
01:11:20
Speaker
That was something that was so serendipitous and just unplanned, but perfect and just So amazing to get to experience in the midst of such terrible times that I got to have something that was so fun and be with a friend who cared for me during that time.
01:11:44
Speaker
and celebrate her, celebrate everything that I had just accomplished as well. And it was just more than I could have ever asked for. I would have never, my wildest dreams, thought that that would have been an experience that I got to have.
01:11:58
Speaker
And it was so much fun. So sweet. We all watched it and wept. yeah It was so sweet. yeah um And just such a perfect little gift, you know, many things. Yeah, it was just great.
01:12:10
Speaker
So as you look back now, just generally reflect on it. I want you to think back to pre-cancer, Helena. What would you tell yourself now? I would tell her that it is okay to feel not in complete control.
01:12:28
Speaker
You don't have to do and be everything that you think you should be. That's not even what people want in a friend, in a wife, sister, daughter. Like that's not, you know, perfection is just unattainable. So like the best thing that you could be is real and vulnerable and humble and honest.
01:12:49
Speaker
And the more of that, that you can muster up the courage to be, the better off you'll be. And what it ultimately does is make you more Christ-like. And then you are able to be that better version of yourself because you're seeking Christ.
01:13:06
Speaker
Not every day is promised. And what a blessing to be able to have that understanding so clearly now. I would not want others to have to go through that like to gain that understanding. Just surrender the things that you think are important and just try to reflect Christ in in in ways that are challenging to you.
01:13:30
Speaker
That's ultimately what we're called to do. And everything else just isn't as important as you think it is. i mean, I think that is the moral of the story. You're not promised tomorrow, but you do have this moment and you have it because of whether you realize it or not, because of Jesus Christ.
01:13:50
Speaker
Yeah. And you get to experience it the way that you experience it now because of him. And he will, if you let him continue to transform you. Okay, final thoughts. Anything else that you feel like, yeah, people really need to know this, or I really, really want people to hear this part.
01:14:07
Speaker
I think As a parent, and I think it was tricky for us being parents to little kids because we didn't want to scare them and give them more information than necessary because they didn't understand what was going on fully. But also don't underestimate your kid's ability to provide.
01:14:27
Speaker
process big things. It could be done in an age-appropriate way, but I was shocked at the things that my older daughter, who was only six at the time, was processing on her own and then would actually say. I think it's just...
01:14:44
Speaker
a reminder to just be honest and try not to shy away from answering their questions because they're probably if you don't address it they're filling in their own conclusions about things and that as a small child or just a child in general like you just are scared for your parent communication is always comforting because they're going through it too right and it's shaking their sense of stability and safety to see the person that cares for them not be able to do that.
01:15:16
Speaker
I will say that my older daughter, she told a babysitter, honestly, not that long ago. So these are things that she still thinks about. She said, how could somebody not believe in God? He healed my mom.
01:15:29
Speaker
and Thank you for, i know I've said this before, but thank you for being vulnerable. This is just such ah such a personal and such a painful experience that you went through. but I think we both agree there is so much benefit to telling this story. And we really do hope whoever hears this, that is experiencing this, whether you are the one diagnosed or the one who is loving someone who's diagnosed, you are not alone. And we hope that this comforts you in some way. Some of the specifics will be different, but there are these common threads of humanity and you're not alone in this.
01:16:06
Speaker
And prayer works. And it does not mean that everything is going to be okay, but prayer works. I'll also end with one other thought too, because i had no words for God for a while.
01:16:18
Speaker
People would say they're praying for me and I would be thinking to myself, great, because I don't have it in me. Because I don't don't even know what to say to him right now. The only thing that I could think to do would just was to just write down scripture and I put it next to my bed. And then i would just read it to myself. And that's the only thing I could think to do and the only thing I had the ability to do because I was just at a loss
Faith & Spiritual Reflections
01:16:42
Speaker
of words. And the verse that I would read was Isaiah 41.10. My favorite version was the New Living Testament.
01:16:50
Speaker
And it's, don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
01:17:02
Speaker
And I just remember thinking, all right, he's telling me not to be afraid. I'm terrified. He's telling me, don't be discouraged, but I don't feel i'm capable of hearing encouragement in this pit. yeah Don't feel strong.
01:17:17
Speaker
So he's supposed to be my strength. The victory is his, whether that means I survive or I don't. Beautiful. Well, as we've said before, and we'll continue to say in closing, this podcast is our love letter to God.
01:17:30
Speaker
So if it benefits, inspires, or otherwise blesses you, we give all glory to him. And we are so glad that you're along for the next Twister turn. So thank you so much for listening.
Community Engagement & Future Plans
01:17:41
Speaker
If you loved our podcast, the best compliment you can give us is to share it with a friend. So we would love for you to share this with a fellow future twisty. Yeah.
01:17:52
Speaker
yeah And what you loved about it You can always reach out to us at twists. Hear the S's, twists. and turns s podcast at gmail.com anytime let us know what you loved what you want to hear more of any of your feedback any of your commentary coming up probably the very next conversation we're going to have a good old-fashioned chat about holiday traditions ah yeah we're going to talk about things that we experienced growing up things that we have carried into our adulthood things that we've thrown out new traditions that we've created what we loved what we hated and the differences. Because again, Helena, very Italian. Anne-Marie, kind of a Heinz 57. So are all kinds. we're looking forward to having that conversation. And I think that that conversation, if it's not that one, it'll be the next conversation we have. We will be together in person. and
01:18:41
Speaker
So that will happen on occasion. And we're super excited about that. We do get to see each other still very frequently. thank Thankful to our husbands who are So graciously facilitating that throughout the years. They really are. Yeah.
01:18:55
Speaker
We'll get to see each other here soon in the next few weeks. And so one of these is going to be together rather than two different rooms in two different states. Thanks for listening. And we will see you next time.