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EP 82 - How To Officiate A Wedding
14 Plays10 days ago
I share my reflections on officiating a wedding, and offer advice for anyone taking on this important task.
For more info & to download a free PDF of today's episode notes, visit: www.chriskreuter.com/CDWI
Join the Kreuter Studios mailing list: https://mailchi.mp/810367311f3d/ksbulletin
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Transcript
Introduction: Overcoming Obstacles
00:00:08
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On Chris deals with it, I talk about the frameworks and methods I use to clear personal, creative, and professional roadblocks. My goal is to help others bridge the gaps between where they're at now and what they want to achieve.
00:00:20
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If you're new to the show, I'm an engineer, writer, parent, game designer, leader, and reader who leverages that experience to develop creative solutions to problems. First, an AI statement that all elements of this episode are products of the author, Chris Kreuter, and made without the use of any AI tools.
How to Officiate a Wedding
00:00:39
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Welcome to episode 82 of Chris Deals With It, How to Officiate a Wedding. Today i'm going to share my reflections on officiating a wedding and offer advice for anyone taking on this important task.
00:00:51
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The wedding is one of the most important days in a relationship. Being asked to officiate such a day is an incredible honor. The WAPL is trusting in you and your ability to prepare diligently, speak clearly, deliver with style and grace, honor their desires, respect their faith or faiths, usher them into their commitment to each other.
Personal vs. Professional Officiating
00:01:12
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felt great to do a fantastic job at the ceremony. and Many people came up to me at the reception congratulating and thanking me for the job I did, but I also got a lot of comments about how I should do them more often, that performing weddings could be some kind of side gig, and to be honest, I felt uncomfortable with the suggestion.
00:01:29
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I actually quickly grew to hate the idea While I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and I remain incredibly honored and humbled to have been asked, I was asked because choosing me was important to the couple that i married.
00:01:42
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I said yes because these people are very dear to me, as I am to them. It was meaningful for all involved to be the one to honor their commitment and legally enter them into it. I wouldn't do a wedding for a couple I didn't know well.
00:01:54
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I would never insinuate or volunteer myself for the role of officiant. It would feel weird treating it like some kind of job. Now, if asked in the future, although always an honor to be considered, it wouldn't be an automatic yes.
00:02:09
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It was also surprising how many people mentioned that they could never do something like getting up and officiate a wedding. I found this odd. I'm a believer that if a moment calls for you, most people could summon the motivation to step up and do their best.
Growth Mindset and Confidence
00:02:23
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you know For a while now, I've been workshopping this theory about a mindset of extreme competence. It's a type of growth mindset that comes with a certain level and variety of life experience. It's based on a willingness to step up whenever a situation or circumstance might benefit from your involvement.
00:02:39
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It's a mindset of confidence that you have what it takes to fulfill your duties competently. You don't live in fear of making mistakes or in looking silly when you do. You see all moments as opportunities to both test your skills and learn new lessons.
00:02:53
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It's about knowing you're someone people can rely on, that you're willing to fulfill duties, take them seriously, and give them your all. Through the variety of your experiences and skills, you're able to more easily apply them in new and unique situations.
00:03:07
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In the case of officiating my first wedding, I brought interesting perspective on philosophy, love, and marriage to go along with extensive writing experience to craft meaningful elements of the ceremony.
00:03:19
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You know, three years of podcasting made me hyper aware of writing with the intent of speaking the words. I brought my abilities of organization, observation, and coordination to the table.
00:03:30
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And the couple did too. But the ceremony presented new and unique challenges with being outdoors, working with a wireless mic taped to one ear, and speaking in front of many people. Now, I plan on digging deeper into this mindset on a future episode, but it's something that really came to mind when I was thinking back on this experience.
00:03:48
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Now, in starting the process, the couple may ask you to help guide the process of determining what's important. You know, start with getting a list of what they would like in the ceremony. Are there any family or faith traditions that they'd like in the ceremony?
00:04:01
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What do they not want in the ceremony? Will anyone be given the honor of doing readings? I treated this startup phase like I was gathering specifications for building a product for the couple. Similar to the ideation phase I talked about in my recent series about the creative process.
00:04:15
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From there, we worked on creating a scaffold, followed by fleshing out the script over several months. You know, also discuss the venue if they've chosen one. What logistics need to be factored into the flow of the ceremony?
00:04:26
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You might need to be adaptable the day of, as small variations can occur or weather could play a factor. And soon after you've accepted the role of officiant, it's nice to start asking around to anyone you know who has done it or to other couples who have been married recently.
00:04:41
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you know Ask them for tips and tricks. See if there were any unique elements, what they would do differently if they could do it all over again. And be sure to get the couple's perspective on what they've liked or disliked about recent weddings that they've been a part of.
00:04:53
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Usually when a couple is getting married, especially if they're younger, they're in that cycle where lots of their friends are getting married and they're going to several a year. They're going to have a nice perspective on it.
The Officiant's Role
00:05:02
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Now, it's not about you. Although you're front and center, remember that it's not about you.
00:05:07
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You're serving the couple. It's their day, their moment. You're a facilitator. Nobody's at that wedding for you. Yet all are going to be hyper-focused on your words and their delivery. You know, the couple is making a major commitment to each other in front of their closest family and friends.
00:05:23
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So embrace that moment. Just don't be the moment. You know don't ad-lib or throw in surprises unless the couple specifically asks you to do so. So the more you rehearse the ceremony, both with and without the couple, the better you're going to be at the delivery the day of.
00:05:38
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you know If you can, record those rehearsals. Play them back while editing their script or if you're in the car you in between editing sessions. You're going to find several places where you trip up on wording or find yourself saying a sentence slightly differently than you wrote it.
00:05:52
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you know Edit towards what sounds best when spoken, not the words you see on the page. you If you find yourself tripping over a word or phrase, you can also try inserting a pause or some kind of hand motion into the delivery to pace yourself through it.
00:06:06
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you know As with most things, competence is gained through putting in the work. I feel that there are three marriages that occur. There is marriage in the eyes of the couple, their commitment to each other, the commitment of their souls.
00:06:19
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you There's marriage in the eyes of the spirit, their gods or higher powers. And there's marriage in the eyes of the state, the legal obligations and benefits of a marriage covenant. And the ceremony should honor all three of these.
00:06:31
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While in my opinion the eyes of the state is the least important of the three, don't neglect the paperwork. It's vital. Obtaining a marriage license is the responsibility of the couple in most cases. The ceremony itself may need to contain specific elements to be official in their eyes.
00:06:46
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But everything else is up to you and the couple. And this is going to vary drastically from state to state. So double, even triple check any paperwork you're involved in. Dates, spellings, signing in the right places.
00:06:57
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Help ensure the paperwork gets mailed back or filed with the proper office, which is often the responsibility of the officiant. If a state requires the officiant to be a clergy and you're not, use the services of the Universal Life Church. you know Before the big day, check with a couple if there's anything you should be looking out for while performing the ceremony.
00:07:17
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Maybe there's guest there, consult for example. yeah You're going to have a unique vantage point among those gathered, being able to take in the whole scene. The couple will be looking at each other or at you for most of it.
00:07:28
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They'll likely be nervous and hyper-focused on their partner. Most everyone else gathered is going to be focused on you three. Also, make sure to do a mic check before the ceremony if you're mic'd up, if you can ensure that all attending can hear you clearly.
00:07:40
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A great time to do this would be addressing everyone five to ten minutes before the ceremony, telling them things are about to begin. um When you're up there and you walk down the aisle, don't jump right into the ceremony.
00:07:51
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and Ease into the moment. Allow everyone to take it in. Be sure to remind everyone to take their seats after the bride enters. Take your time reading. Make pauses. Catch your breath. That's okay.
00:08:03
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Also, when the couple kisses after the ceremony, step aside. You don't want to be in those photos. Neither do they. One of the best pieces of advice I got was to write the entire ceremony in a compact, high-quality notebook.
00:08:16
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I went with a 5-inch by 7-inch moleskin notebook with a hard cover.
Ceremony Script and Personal Touch
00:08:20
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The notebook came with a page marking ribbon, which was very helpful during the various handoffs to the readers during the ceremony. And I hand wrote the final approved script into the notebook, section by section.
00:08:31
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Now I have really great handwriting, but it was painstaking work that took several hours over multiple days. But the result was an artifact that I gave the couple afterwards. It was a small element that added a sense of seriousness to the moment.
00:08:44
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It was higher quality. It's way classier than index cards or sheets of paper. Prior to the ceremony, the couple sent me their vows, which I also wrote into the book. You know the couple wanted to read their own written vows, a relatively common practice nowadays.
00:08:59
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Copying them into the book allowed me to hand it to them at that part of the ceremony, rather than having to go get a handoff for handwritten pages and unfurl them in the moment. It was also helpful to have the readings into the book, which I handed to those in the wedding party doing the readings.
00:09:13
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It was a nice logistical touch. Everyone involved really appreciated, so I can't recommend that notebook highly enough. And I'm going to end this episode with a Thomas Merton quote about love.
Closing Thoughts on Love
00:09:23
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The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.
00:09:29
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Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. And with that, have a great day.
00:09:43
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If you feel that Chris dealt with it, I'd appreciate your support of the show by sharing it with someone who might benefit. Ratings on your favorite podcast player are also helpful in growing the audience. Visit chriscreuter.com for free downloadable PDFs with notes and resources from today's episode.
00:09:58
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Sign up for the CDWI mailing list or to send in your problems or requests for future shows. That's chriscreuter.com or use the link in the show notes.