Transcript
Speaker: Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Sluts Party Podcast. I know it's been a minute. It has definitely been some time since we've last sat down, but, you know, the energy is coming back this cancer season, and I'm ready to dive back into things and bring in some new topics, new guests, and get back into educating on sex.
Speaker: So today we have a very special repeat guest, Nicole. um And it's been a minute. So Nicole, would you like to update just a little bit of what you've been up to?
Speaker: Yeah. So I'm Nicole Sonnefeld. I'm the founder of Freeform Coaching. I'm an alternative relationship and lifestyle coach and educator. um and when I first came on the podcast, I had just quit my therapist job and started my business. Now it's been uh seven months of doing it full-time and so not only have i been doing one-on-one client work i've also been doing um a lot of group workshops seminars and educational events as well as doing some writing so it's been exciting to like fully dive into this pleasure positive passion of mine
Speaker: Yeah, you have definitely been busy for sure. But so much of what you've been doing is such important work. And I would highly recommend, you know, we'll go over at the end where to find Nicole, but definitely check out her business. um A lot of great resources, a lot of great events and really useful stuff for our communities.
Speaker: But yeah, let's just dive right in. So today's topic is about navigating play parties when you are solo. It's a question I get asked about a lot. um You know, do I think it's normalized to come to play parties solo? Yes. Do I think it should be normalized to the community? Also, yes.
Speaker: However, it's also super normal to feel anxious about that. I mean, sometimes I get anxious sometimes. going to a housewarming party alone um or going to any event where you may not know a ton of people.
Speaker: um So today we're going to go over some useful advice, really break it down and get into ways you can prepare for the event, what to do during the event and what to do after as well. just in order to have the best experience possible.
Speaker: So getting into what to do before the event. I think so much preparation is really useful when it comes to this sort of thing.
Speaker: um You know, if you're just kind of going into the event not really reflecting, not really taking time to figure out what kind of coping skills you can use, not really trying to reflect on what triggers you may experience, it can be really shocking in the moment when you do get there and something does happen that throws you off or you do end up feeling anxious and you're not really sure what to do.
Speaker: So, Nicole, what would you say attendees should do to prepare for an event mentally? So I like that you brought up that attending just a regular party alone in itself is anxiety inducing. And so I always really stress being mentally and physically prepared and feeling your best when you go because you're already going to feel that way going to a normal party alone for most people. And then add on top of that that You're probably going to be naked at around a bunch of people you've never met before and maybe even having sex in front of them. So there's so many nerves, so many insecurities and emotions that can come up.
Speaker: um So something i always recommend is making sure that you have a really good self-recuritement. self-care routine that day. So, um, not just about like looking good, but also feeling good. So for me personally, I try to make sure I get a good workout in I eat some nice, healthy and sustenance food. I have a sensitive stomach, so I am really specific about what I'll eat before a party because if you're having an upset stomach, you're not going to feel sexy. You're not going to feel excited to be there. Right. Um,
Speaker: I think also if you're someone that likes meditation or journaling, those things could be really helpful. And checking in with yourself about what your intentions are for the party, what some of your own personal boundaries would be, and kind of thinking about, um yeah, how you would navigate each situation, for instance. um having boundaries around what you'll do with people you just met or what you'll do with people who are under the influence, right? And already having and that in mind for yourself before you go. So you're not having to make any split decisions in what's already a pretty overwhelming environment.
Speaker: Yes, I love the idea of setting intentions. That's something I really like to do before play parties. And it's not about necessarily having ah particular expectations because I think that does get into murky water when people kind of have an idealized version of I want to play with five people tonight or I want to be in an all sapphic orgy with these particular people because right you never know how things are going to play out you never know if the person you have your eye on may be more engaged with someone else in that particular moment.
Speaker: So not specific expectations, however, setting intentions, like for example, the last play party I had, I was like, okay, you know, I'm not gonna say that I need to do this many orgies. But I did say like, you know, I think it would be cool if I set an intention to put my best foot forward to flirt with and perhaps make out with someone new. um and I did meet my intention. So that was cool. yeah But just kind of having that mindset of pushing past the anxiety,
Speaker: And trying to think critically about steps we can take to do that, right? Like, okay, I get very nervous when it comes to approaching new people. However, I will make an effort to introduce myself to people I don't know and just kind of try to rationalize my way out of the anxiety that comes up you know yeah i think uh having a plan for handling rejection is really important too we're not really taught how to deal with rejection and unfortunately in these spaces more opportunities for connection means more opportunities for rejection um and especially for people who are neurodivergent we tend to have rejection sensitivity
Speaker: And that's a lot of people in this community actually are neurodivergent. And so just being mindful that you know that it might bring up hard ambitions and having a plan for yourself. How are you going to cope with it when you're rejection rejected by someone and someone says you no and it really stings because that happens a lot in these environments.
Speaker: Yeah, and definitely being a solo attendee as well, that may also trigger even more emotions when it comes to rejection. because You may see people there with a partner, with a play partner, with a close friend, and think like, ah man, I wish I had someone to go to in order to fill up that cup yeah and make me feel like I am being affirmed in this way or you know, oh um that somebody is saying yes to you.
Speaker: um But you've got to remember as well with that caveat that you can't rely on other people for your own security. And, you know, we did do an episode um about handling rejection, you know, basically navigating these scenes while neurodivergent.
Speaker: And one of the great pieces of advice was the idea that you never know why someone's rejecting you. it could literally, i mean, what if they had cheese and they were lactose and intolerant and they were just like, Jesus, I don't eat cheese before a party. They're like, oh my God, this person's actually really cute.
Speaker: But like, I cannot engage in play right now. Or maybe, you know, they are currently testing React up for an STI and they want to keep things safe. Or yeah maybe they have a particular boundary in place for that night. Or maybe they're just not in the mood to play at that moment. There's so many chances that it's not about you. um And trying to remember how you want people to react to your own nose.
Speaker: So really trying to get out of your head with thinking about like, oh man this really stings and trying to remember that like you are actually adding a lot of positivity to the community when you do kind of attempt to get out of your own head and take a step back and not let a no affect you Yeah, i try to encourage people to celebrate other people's no's. And the way that I like to reframe it is a lot of people have a really hard time rejecting other people for so many different reasons. It can feel rude or impolite, or you can even feel guilty saying no. So keeping in mind how hard it can be for people to say no, I say that's actually a reflection on the fact that they feel safe enough with you to say no. And you made them comfortable enough that they felt like they could say no and it could be respected and to look at it as like something to celebrate. And as someone myself who is like a little bit demisexual doesn't normally play with people the first time I meet them, the way someone responds to my know really determines whether or not I'll be interested in them because if someone
Speaker: is asking why or pushing back or making me feel guilty they'll never have a chance with me versus if someone's like oh great thanks for letting me know i'm like all right well now i'm really interested in this person because i can tell they'll respect my boundaries so just good ways to reframe reduction in your mind exactly like you said it's really a compliment that this person trusts you enough to be able to stand firm in their boundaries um and yeah again it may not be about you and you never know like you said maybe that's actually affirming to them that you are a safe person so in the future they may keep you in mind to engage in play or even form a friendship or something like that
Speaker: Alright, so that's kind of covering more of the emotional side of things. But there's also a lot you can do when it comes to packing your bag to help you feel your best.
Speaker: So Nicole, what would you recommend are some good things to pack with you for the night? So I'm someone who likes to be overprepared because I just want to be as comfortable as possible. And a lot of spaces will provide a lot of these items, but I think it's important to bring things for yourself just in case so you're comfortable.
Speaker: um First and foremost, safer sex supplies, whatever type of condoms or other barriers you prefer to use, um along with any favorite toys that you might want to bring along.
Speaker: I always recommend bringing a water-based lube and a water-based toy cleaner because they're safe with condoms. um Most oil-based lubes and cleaners can break down condoms and make them less effective. um and so the best thing about using water-based products also is that it prevents um like bacteria growth in toys and things like that um so you can clean them after you use them when you're still the party um i also like to bring personal hygiene supplies so i have like a little like dental kit toothbrush toothpaste mouthwash maybe a hairbrush some wipes just things to like
Speaker: freshen myself up after play because, you know, things get messy and hot and sweaty. um I also always like to have some kind of like aftercare items. For me, I have what I call my orgy robe and my slippers that I'll bring. yeah So I have something like comfortable to wear when I'm lounging after in the cuddle puddle. um And you don't have to just go from being in this big group scene straight to your street clothes. That's really uncomfortable. um And maybe even some snacks too.
Speaker: um And like I said, some places will provide some of these things. But for me, it's like, even if I'm not intending on playing, i will still bring all of this just in case. It's like my emotional support orgy bag. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I second all of that, especially having comfy clothes for after. um it is just a game changer when after you play, you can get and like a cozy big t-shirt and cuddle your stuffed animal or in a cozy robe and like having comfy shoes to go home and Yeah. if you If you did choose to wear like some cute ass heels for the evening. Yes. After play, you're just going to be like...
Speaker: yeah Totally. um and yeah, like you said hygiene products are always great. I also, you know, even if I'm not menstruating, I'll usually just like keep a menstruation desk on me because I enjoy those for play while I'm menstruating. um And yeah, like even though there will like there may be is there that may be something the hosts are providing. um You know, it is always nice, I think, to bring what you're really comfortable with that you use at home because, you know, your body's so used to it. And sure, it can always be fun to try new toys and that can be a fun experience in the evening.
Speaker: um But it's also nice to have your comfort items that you just kind of now are really good for you. he Yeah. Help you have a successful night. Mm-hmm. All right, so getting into during the event.
Speaker: Like we mentioned, you know, feelings may come up, anxiety may come up, certain things may be a trigger that maybe you had thought about it preemptively, but the feelings are bigger than you expected, or maybe it's a trigger you didn't know would come up, which is very likely because that happens a lot when it comes to play in E&M.
Speaker: We can plan and reflect and journal and do all the good things, but sometimes you're just hit with a doozy where you're like, oh shit, I did not know this was going to bring up feelings, but here we are.
Speaker: So what would you say are some good self-soothing techniques to help in the moment if somebody is feeling anxious or having some big feelings? um I mean, there's so many things you can go to, but especially when you're like in a public setting and you're not just some like mindfulness, checking in with your body and your breath can be really helpful and taking some deep breaths. I also really encourage people, like if you feel like you're having an overwhelming emotion to instead of trying to
Speaker: suppress it or pretend it's not there, actually acknowledge it. Because if you actually name the emotion you're feeling, it lowers the distress of it significantly. So saying like, I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling insecure right now and just giving yourself some comfort, like validating for that that for yourself instead of saying like, oh my gosh, you're so annoying that you're feeling insecure right now. I would talk to yourself like, hey, it makes sense you're feeling insecure right now. This is a very overwhelming setting. Like a lot of people are naked and so body insecurities, social insecurities. You know, i think um being really like empathetic to yourself when you notice big emotions coming up. Also, if you're able to just leave for a moment and go to the bathroom and like splash cold water on your face, that's a really good way to reset your nervous system and
Speaker: And of course, if you have a friend there that you can talk to talking to a friend can always help as well. Yes. It's always totally acceptable to find a way in a social setting to take yourself out of the moment. You know, you can just politely be like, oh, I'm going to go grab some water. I'm going to use the restroom and kind of take your moment, you know, if you need to maybe jot down some thoughts on your notes app and have like a mini journaling session.
Speaker: Really try to calm yourself through breathing techniques, like you said, um and just kind of find ways to de-stimulate and try to step out of the spiral.
Speaker: um And then of course, later in time, we can go deeper into analyzing the feeling and what came up, but really just try to focus on acknowledging what's happening, accepting it and not judging yourself for it. Like, yes, exactly. That mindfulness, I think, um It's also important if you're at a play party and they have like a place that's specifically not for play. That's something that I really like is attending parties where I know there's like a space that's just a social space or some places even have like sanctuary spaces that are supposed to be quiet areas for people who are like overwhelmed or overstimulated.
Speaker: figuring that out when you first show up to the party, where is that space that I can go where play isn't happening so I'm not being overwhelmed or overstimulated by it and I already know in my mind this is the place I can go to take a break can be really helpful as well. Yes, 100%. another question that I get asked a lot is how do how does one approach people?
Speaker: so you know it's a lot easier said than done and I think it's kind of simplified when we talk about these things we say oh just you know find find a way to interject yourself into the conversation but do you have any advice or tips on how to approach people and not kind of feel socially anxious or socially awkward when you do it I mean, i think it's okay to name the awkwardness or the anxiety about it because I think a lot of people feel that way at those parties. Like if you see someone and maybe, and also I would say start the conversation with something non-sexual. Yeah. Contrary to a lot of what people believe who don't attend play parties, people there are also just looking to connect. And I think,
Speaker: for a lot of people that attend them, if you go right to talking about sex, that can feel really abrasive and pushy. So for example, you see someone and you like the shirt they're wearing, right? Opening up a conversation with a compliment, just like you would at any other party. um i think saying like, oh yeah, I'm here alone, and I'm feeling really nervous is actually a great way to connect with other people because other people I guarantee will feel the same way. And I think that can be a great way to just like start an open conversation, like naming the elephant in the room and getting rid of some of the awkwardness. um
Speaker: I think before approaching someone to play, it's important to just ask questions. what are you interested in? what are you like right What brought you to this party? What types of scenes or dynamics are you interested in? um Because if you go into just asking someone, do you want to play, that can also feel somewhat aggressive, right? and Like you're making assumptions about what they're into, what their boundaries are, if you're even compatible. So I think it's a great way to start the conversation of like,
Speaker: Yeah. What are you interested in What are your boundaries? What like what's your intentions for coming here um and starting that open conversation? And then you can really identify like if that's someone that you're compatible with as far as plate goes, even before you get to the like actually asking for consent part of it.
Speaker: Yeah, I loved all of that. i think especially the concept of approaching conversation like you would at any other party, you know, just, oh, hey, I didn't catch your name, um you know, or going up to someone and being like, oh, hey I love your earrings. This is my first party. I'm so-and-so. And just kind of striking up a conversation that way.
Speaker: um and same thing when it, like you were saying, when it comes to progressing to play, Um, it, you know, yes, a lot of us in these spaces are sexual or hypersexual people, but you don't need to be that way when you approach someone for play, you know, um you can really just approach it as like, Hey, I think,
Speaker: you are attracted? Would you be interested perhaps sharing a kiss and take it from there? And, you know, the great thing about consent and checking for consent every step of the way is you can easily communicate with this person to figure out what they're interested in that evening and where their boundaries are and everything.
Speaker: Yeah, something I think, even if you're going to play parties that are more like swinger, lifestyle, group sex oriented, not necessarily kink, I think there's so much to learn from the way that the kink community does things.
Speaker: One of the things I really like is that And kink, you'll really talk about the details of all of your boundaries, everything you want to try and your hard limits prior to even starting a scene. And I think even if you're just doing group sex, this can also be really helpful because then everyone's going into the situation. Without having to guess what's okay and what's not, you've already had this whole conversation about what this person's limits are, what they're into, what they want to try. And so that's also going to just make for a better sexual experience for everyone beyond like erasing some of those questions in your mind that you might have about what's okay, what isn't, or are they going to like this or not. um Talking about that stuff in detail beforehand can be a great way to set it up for success as well as also get people in the mood because of course it's,
Speaker: really exciting to talk about those things in detail. Yes, totally. So, you know, I know we've talked a lot about how to handle the feelings, feelings may come up, and just kind of morbid conversation surrounding feelings.
Speaker: And of course, it is going to be personal to you and specific to you what feelings may come up or what may be a trigger. But can you think of any common scenarios of feelings that may come up in a play party setting when you are solo?
Speaker: I think definitely that feeling of being left out or alone if you're attending solo. I know the first time i ever went to a play party solo in my late 20s, I was very surprised because I noticed this like insecurity and anxiety coming up for me like what I used to feel in middle school because I was going to like an all sapphic event where I only knew one person and I started to get afraid like what if everyone's all friends with each other and they don't talk to me what if they're clicky and like I realized I was like oh my gosh I feel like I'm 13 again
Speaker: But that's so real. Of course, when I got into that setting, it was really nice to see. And it's like this in most of these parties you all attend that people are really welcoming and outgoing. um But right. Like I think that initial feeling of being like an outsider or left out is really, really common to have. And like the anxiety or insecurity that brings up is totally normal when you're alone um navigating it because those group dynamics can be really, really hard.
Speaker: Yeah, i definitely think you hit the nail on the head. Um... I think going to anything alone is very anxiety provoking, that's especially if it is your first time and you know you don't know other people. um i definitely think another thing to navigate would kind of be couples privilege and interacting with couples and kind of not being sure of their boundaries, feeling anxious about that.
Speaker: That's definitely a lot of feedback that I've gotten from people is Well, on the flip side of things, being like, oh, this is nice being in this space where I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I interact with a couple.
Speaker: um But that can definitely be very anxiety provoking. for that, I would say understand that it's not about you if you do have an interaction that feels uncomfortable in that way. um but yeah, you would really, like you were saying,
Speaker: be surprised that these spaces really do select for such welcoming people. i mean, we're all coming to these spaces to be vulnerable in some way. There's nothing more vulnerable than quite literally being naked um around other people. So I feel like with that context, there is not just physical vulnerability, But it naturally selects for people that are very open to emotional vulnerability as well. So yeah, try to remember that, that as much as it may feel daunting coming into this solo, um you're likely going to come across a good group of people, or at least a couple people that you feel good about and can connect with.
Speaker: Yeah, and something I recommend for people is especially if you're new to this, um maybe not even having play as your intention. you can be open to the possibility, but really making your intention, meeting new people um and finding friends and community. And then you'll have people to attend parties with in the future or possibly even have your own parties and things like that. So that's my personal thing when I go alone. I'm like, I want to meet some new people. I want to keep building my community. And then if play happens, that's an awesome extra benefit of being there.
Speaker: Yes, totally. and that was the next topic because i And that was the next topic I was going to get into is a lot of people ask me, like, is it okay to go to this sort of thing and not play?
Speaker: Yes, consent is reversible. i think that's something, i mean, so many of us aren't taught really about what consent is, what it actually means. um But the idea that you're required to play when you go to the party actually takes away your ability to consent.
Speaker: You can reverse your consent at any time. And so it's normal to go to a party and not play because if it was required, then there's coercion happening at the party and that's not consent.
Speaker: Yes, 100%. And i think, you know, when going solo as well, you'll realize that there's actually quite a few people that may not be playing who may be solo attendees or may not be. It's a lot more common than you think. And realistically, if anyone is like paying attention and tallying who's playing and who's not playing,
Speaker: that's on them. That's a weird move. Well, yeah, and that's also pretty problematic. Like, it's not really a person whose parties you want to be attending. But yeah, I actually have met the majority of my best friends at play parties. And some of them were there with their partners, but maybe one partner really likes group sex and one person likes more one-on-one. But the part they come with their partner for the social aspect. So yeah being someone that leans a little bit demisexual, I've met some of my best friends at play parties not playing at them.
Speaker: Yes. And same with me. like we said, you know, setting your intentions and not feeling like your intentions need to be I'm going to play, I'm going to play with this amount of people or these particular people. um It's really nice to just keep it open ended where you don't put pressure on yourself to absolutely make something happen um because it'll just make it a not fun experience for you um and just not a
Speaker: Not an ideal space if we're all putting pressure on ourselves. Yeah. Even when we're not fully feeling it. So. All right. Well, thank you so much, Nicole. Do you have any last words of advice on the topic?
Speaker: um I think in general, when you're going to these spaces, that preparation work is really, really important. Making sure you're really present with yourself, with your body and how you're feeling. So you can take that awareness into any new experience you have.
Speaker: um And then i also want to plug that I do have a free play party checklist on my website and we'll put the link to it on this so you can check it out. It doesn't just have the items that I recommend bringing. It also has to do with the pre-party and post-party care that I recommend for people who are attending.
Speaker: Yes. And that is such an amazing tool. I am definitely going to take a look at that myself um because it's always awesome to get new ideas about how to best prepare so you can have a really meaningful experience.
Speaker: I will link all of Nicole's info and that checklist and the show notes. um But yeah, this has been amazing and we'll see you guys next time.
Speaker: I will link all of Nicole's info and that checklist in the show notes. um But yeah, this has been amazing and we'll see you guys next time.
