Transcript
Speaker: I think it can feel like a breakup. Like we spoke every day, went to lunch, we went to dinner and and it's ah it's to nobody's fault, right? Just life kind of just happens. Honestly, it's a transition for everyone. Like now that baby's here, how do we all kind of transition into our new roles and life after surrogacy?
Speaker: So much of a surrogacy journey is about getting to delivery. And then the baby is born, the intended parents go home, and the journey everyone spent months preparing for is technically over.
Speaker: But what happens next for the surrogate? You did your job, sister. Like, you did such a great job. Baby is here. Baby's in the arms of the parents. Today, I'm joined by Barrett Best, a licensed postpartum doula and surrogacy education and engagement specialist at egg donor and surrogate solutions.
Speaker: Together, we talk about the fourth trimester after surrogacy. What can change after delivery, that transition back into everyday life, and why support goes beyond delivery day.
Speaker: With that in mind, Barrett shares how these needs helped shape the fourth trimester program designed to give surrogates at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions dedicated support as they navigate the fourth trimester and adjust to life after their surrogacy journey.
Speaker: Enjoy! So, okay, like officially Barrett or BB, as I lovingly call you you, know, you, your title is our surrogacy education and engagement specialist, but you are also a licensed doula, which is so cool.
Speaker: And so as doula, when you look at those first few weeks post delivery, you What do you see happening that the rest of us might miss?
Speaker: Yes. Okay. So I'm a licensed postpartum doula. So it's all after delivery. Yes. Yes. But like I'll preface, I don't think anyone on our team will ever miss anything because we've all gone through all of it. You know, we've all been surrogate yeah on the surrogacy department, but on as a surrogate, I feel like just in the industry and in some of the boards, there is an opportunity for more education and more, know,
Speaker: Just community and support. And so that's what really prompted me to take my additional courses and certifications. Yeah, yeah. For a surrogate in particular, like what is different about that fourth trimester? The fourth trimester, like that term, I think is becoming, you know, just more and more talked about. But what's different whenever you're a surrogate?
Speaker: Yes. So with our agency, we do have a fourth trimester you know package, which is like, you know, fitness and focusing on recovery, pelvic floor therapy, all of that fun stuff. But this is extra. This is just totally separate. This is an opt-in, so it's you know not required. But the really cool thing is in the beginning, i reach out to to all of the girls once they apply. So like I'm their first. and encounter with the agency. So having an opportunity to talk to them after birth is like really cool. um
Speaker: But yeah, we focus so much on like, you know, hurry to wait, hurry to wait in the surrogacy journey. And this is kind of like what's next. It's transitioning you to life after being a surrogate or, you know, until my next journey. But it's kind of, you know, what's next? And and it's this just a space for us to talk kind of like this of my journey was great. And now, now what?
Speaker: I think, you know, you and I have both kind of experienced like exactly that your body has just done, you know, this amazing physical feat and you come home. And I know, I remember personally like looking around the living room and,
Speaker: being like, okay, I guess like I'm folding laundry and I'm going to get the text message about the kid's birthday party and there's a sports schedule and like life just keeps going on. But this huge thing just happened.
Speaker: Yeah. And now what, right? Like now what? And funny enough, like you don't have a baby home with you. So it's kind of like, I mean, it's great. You're healing in all of the things, but it's kind of like, now what?
Speaker: Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. so like for, you know, what what do you feel like, I mean, I know, again, right, like our team, our team has personally experienced this, but just like the general population, like, what do people kind of tend to misunderstand about postpartum recovery after surrogacy?
Speaker: I think it's just the conversation of like, what's next, you know? And so yeah for some, they want to be a surrogate again. For some, it might be like their their last pregnancy, or it might just be, I don't know if I want to do it again, but there is an opportunity and a space just to kind of have conversations, kind of you know, just like this of, what's next and how are you doing? How are you feeling? How's your family? You know, your whole family is on board in your surrogacy journey. So when it's, you know, after your baby arrives, it's kind of like, well, what's next for everyone? Because we were all on board in this journey, you know?
Speaker: Sure. Sure. I definitely, i mean, you you've kind of already said it in a surrogacy journey, there is so much, know, you know, there's, there's all those appointments and there's check-ins and people are constantly asking you, you know, how are you doing? And, you know, just all of those things and you deliver and, you know, intended parents go home with their baby, which is exactly the the goal. Right. But then suddenly this whole chapter in your life is like done.
Speaker: Yes. And what do you think people kind of underestimate about that transition? I think in the beginning, we don't really think about it. it's It's just all about the journey. And we don't really, and you know, we have expectations of like our relationships with the intended parents and in, you know, now baby's here and you're used to talking to them every single day. And you did your job, sister. Like you did such a great job. Baby is here. Baby's in the arms of the parents.
Speaker: But it's kind of like, oh, I haven't spoken to so-and-so in a couple of days or, you know, it's, it's just kind of like what to do with that space if there is space and you know sometimes there are new best friends but they're busy with a baby sure it's just a transition i mean for all parties right but it's just what what next is really where i find that we don't really talk about yeah yeah why do you think you know postpartum has it's historically been so easy to treat like a finish line instead of another part of the journey that a surrogate should be preparing for? Yeah.
Speaker: I think... when you sign up, it's all team baby, all about having the baby. And sure it's like, when baby's here, it's over. And it, you know, it doesn't have to be over. And for some it's not, but if it is, then what? And you know, how to process all of those feelings, you know, many of us get dogs or two or or two or three, but you know, I don't think,
Speaker: as surrogates when we're going into it, we don't really think afterwards, how am I going to feel? You know, um if you have a C-section, how how is recovery? I've had four, so I feel like I have some tips for some girls, but No, a hundred percent. Let's talk about that C-section aspect because yes, there are, you know, those of us who like, we just knew it was going to be a scheduled C-section that was, you know, that was our journey. But then you have some surrogates where yes, it's fourth trimester and maybe delivery didn't go as expected.
Speaker: hundred percent. And you know, if there is space to talk about that because as, as our own personal surrogates or our own pregnancies and deliveries, They've all gone one way. Right. And so yeah also so sometimes I might have a failed transfer. And so like that's never happened before. Or my delivery wasn't how my other kiddos have been. And there's definitely a lot of processing of all of those feelings.
Speaker: But as long as you do your job and baby is here, like you get a gold sticker, like you did your job and It's great, you know? yeah it is great because you're exactly right. Like the end the the end goal was accomplished.
Speaker: And i think where... I know i have felt like some struggle. It was, yes, I did it. And to your point, what's next?
Speaker: And, you know, or gosh, I did it and things didn't go how I expected. And now this, maybe, maybe this future that I thought, oh, I'm going to do another journey or, you know, we're going do a sibling journey or something like that. Maybe that's no longer in the cards. And I think,
Speaker: those experiences you're supposed to be it's it's like yeah yay i did it you're kind of supposed to be happy and you almost are struggling with maybe those simultaneous feelings.
Speaker: It's totally bittersweet. And for me, my last journey, it was my last, I'm retired. I can no longer have any more. so like, that's bittersweet because you want to keep helping families and sometimes you just can't, but you can, you can help share stories and you can help share education on surrogacy and, you know, building families, you know, um But I do think that there is some time and space to process if things didn didn't go that way.
Speaker: If I can't be a surrogate again, you know, am i retired or if I, you know, I just can't have any more. Like, I do feel like there is processing in that. And it's it's yeah great to talk about. And I think that we are talking about it more now than we have.
Speaker: No, for sure. So if I am you know a surrogate with egg donor and surrogate solutions and I've just delivered and I choose to participate in, I know you said this is a kind of an opt-in program. And I mean, essentially like what does that support actually look like? What does that mean?
Speaker: Yeah. So they're going to get four touch points unless they want more and they want to be lifetime friends, but they're going to hear from me soon. you know seven days postpartum, one month, two months, and three months. And essentially it's just like this. It's not a video call, it's just a phone call, but it's just the space to have conversations and your coordinator is still going to talk to you and it's still going to you know yeah check in and all of the things. This is just a confidential, safe space to have conversations about things that you might not want to share with others or, you know, just a safe space to talk more about surrogacy. And really, like, let's talk about those transitions. You know, how are we doing? How are we feeling? All of those things. And hopefully we evolve from our first checkpoint to our third and you know things like that. um
Speaker: I do want to say this is not like medical or clinical. This is just like a safe space to have conversations with our agency. All of the surrogates have access to a mental health provider.
Speaker: And that's not what this is. This is just, you know, having safe space conversations. um And while I have been trained to recognize, you know, red flags and, you know, kind of address that, I'm not like prescribing anything or diagnosing anything like that. We're just having a safe conversation about life after surrogacy.
Speaker: We'll get right back to the show in just a second. But real quick, have you ever wondered what it would be like to help create a family through surrogacy? At Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions, we've spent 18 years walking alongside women who said yes to making a difference. And we'd love to support you as you explore if surrogacy might be the right next step.
Speaker: Our team includes women who have been surrogates themselves. So when we say we understand, we truly do. You can download our surrogate journey and compensation guide at createahappyfamily.com.
Speaker: It's a big decision and it's okay to have questions. This is your invitation to find out more. All right, let's get back to the show. I think one of the typical maybe...
Speaker: myths that a lot of people think about is, you know, oh, a surrogate just delivered and she doesn't have a baby at home. And like, oh gosh, like she must be experiencing some sort of you know separation or something like that. And as we know, it's like yeah that's not true. So maybe what are some of the things that a surrogate, you know, might be processing that have absolutely nothing to do with wanting the baby that she carried?
Speaker: Yeah, you're so right. Like when we we go into this, like it's not our baby, we don't want another baby. We go into this. hundred percent just honey So I think, I mean, the recovery might be even better because you even with a C-section, because you don't have a baby, you you are just kind of like resting and recovering and, and you know, really kind of just focusing on you. um And that's awesome. But sometimes also like after having a baby, your hormones are just kind of all over the place. Right. And so just kind of having a space piece space space place to have like those talks.
Speaker: And i think, you know, of course, in the beginning, you're probably going to be like, I'm tired or, you know, things like that. But how long are you feeling those ways? And those might be conversations that we have that you know are and I would adjust like, hey, si you felt like this way for a while. Have you spoken to your spouse and family about that?
Speaker: Do you feel comfortable talking to the doctor? um And just, you know, giving her that space to be like, you're right. I really should talk about it you know, with x Y, and z Well, I think it again, right. Like we do, we do have our partners there and we do have, you know, our,
Speaker: or followup But I mean, most OBs, like what, you have a two-week follow-up and a six-week follow-up and then kind of like you're done. And so medically speaking, like it's nice to have that check-in that isn't your partner who is maybe distracted with kids and life and, you know, just just that kind of thing.
Speaker: And they don't get it. Like they don't get it. And I think there's also value like talking. I mean, we have a great surrogate community. And I think just kind of sharing stories and yeah surrogates understand all of it, the good, the bad, the crazy. And just having a person to kind of explore those conversations with is great. And, you know, it's, again, our private confidential conversation, but this is not like related to your case. So like, I don't know anything that happened in your case or any of those details.
Speaker: This is just really focusing on you and it's just highlighting you and it's all about you, sister. Like, let's talk. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Well, and again, right. Like, yes, it is great to have that conversation.
Speaker: That extra check-in because I think it is so easy. I know for me, it was, I felt this pressure of, okay, well, life just goes on and yeah like, I've got to like, I've got to get there. I've got to recover. I think that's anybody, any woman, whether you're, you know, just delivered or surrogate, like all of the things it's like, oh, okay, we've got to just.
Speaker: Like, yeah, it keeps going. It's not going stop for you. And it is nice to have somebody to kind of just talk to. Exactly. And like make you have that pause. Yeah. So I was, I was at the grocery store a few weeks ago and there was a huge line and me and this woman in front, we were just like having a little conversation. How are you doing? And she tells me she just had a baby and she's like not sleeping. And was like, oh my gosh, tell me more. Like, how are you? How are you doing? And she was like, oh my gosh, thank you.
Speaker: She's like, no one has asked me how I'm doing. And like, you know, they, ah they always ask, you know, about baby or this or that. And she was like, thank you. And she was like, honestly, I'm not okay. And I haven't been babies like three months old.
Speaker: And I was like, thank you for sharing that. Like, do you feel comfortable, you know talking to your, your family about it, your doctor. And she was like, you know what? I never even thought about that until today. And she was like, you were just at the right place at the right time. And,
Speaker: But that's sometimes it's okay to not be okay. It's, and it's okay to say that. And it's what to do with that, you know? Yeah, for sure. Oh, I love that. And again, right. Like it is, it is just having somebody cause it, when you were in the thick of it, whether you are a, you know, post delivery like with a baby or your post delivery as a surrogate with your own kiddos and, you know, just all of those things, it is so hard to, i mean, it,
Speaker: You put yourself last. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think, you know, for, you and we kind of talked about it like for months, right. A surrogate and the intended parents, they are talking constantly. There's appointments, there's milestones, there's updates and, you know, baby's born. And then suddenly like the reason for communication just totally,
Speaker: changes, what can that shift in the relationship feel like for a surrogate? I think it's OK. I think that we go into this a lot. And a lot of times we think we're going to be like best friends. And we've all agreed on all of those things.
Speaker: But life happens, right? And I think it can feel like a breakup. Like we talk, you know, we spoke every day. went to lunch. We went to dinner.
Speaker: And, and it's, ah it's to nobody's fault, right? Just life kind of just happens. And it's very much like, what do I do with those feelings? You know, and while you're communicating and you're getting pictures and this and that, the new parents,
Speaker: They ah have a baby and and it might be a sibling, you know, like it might be two or three babies and they they have work to do. So it's just, I mean, honestly, it's a um transition for everyone. Like now that baby's here, how do we all kind of transition into our new roles and life after surrogacy?
Speaker: And I think logically a lot of surrogates like understand that, but I think it still can sometimes be a shock to to then be in it.
Speaker: I think sometimes some surrogates take it personal. And i you know, I see that a lot of times, like my intended parents aren't talking to me very much and, you know, and I do think it's it's easy to take that personal because, you know, you, you've been together for over a year and yeah it's really just,
Speaker: finding what to do with the extra space or time, I think. Get a puppy. Yes. Yes. Always. Always a dog. That's always the answer. That's always the answer.
Speaker: um You, I mean, you kind of already touched on it, but you know, as with our agency, like of course, every Surrey gay and intended parents have a amazing coordinator that is walking with them throughout the journey. And, and that relationship does not disappear after, after delivery. So what,
Speaker: What makes this program kind of different in the support that she's receiving from you versus what she's receiving from her coordinator? Yeah. So yeah, her coordinator in art our whole team is so amazing. And they do have, you know, certain things that they're, you know, asking for, like, how did everything go? You know, how was the relationship with your parents, all of that.
Speaker: This is really just tell me about you. Like, I don't, yes, I want to hear about your journey and things like that. But I really want to hear how you're feeling, how you're doing, you know, have you gone back to work? Just really giving them the space to be like,
Speaker: life is great, I just want to talk to you more about this, you know, because I love surrogacy so much. I just want to talk about it and, you know, like that type of space or, you know, life is fine. I'm just having a hard time transitioning or my recovery has been longer or harder. Of course, her coordinator is there for her, but this is just like one-on-one time to kind of dig deeper into all of those things.
Speaker: You've mentioned you were not a like medical professional in terms of, you know, psychotherapy and, you know, just things like that. There are those moments exactly to your point where you know it is bigger than a peer support group or doula support.
Speaker: How do you recognize when it is time to you know bring in a mental health professional or you know just another resource? Yeah.
Speaker: I think just excess excessive weeks of not feeling right. You know, of course, yeah, you just had a baby, but that we're processing and where our hormones are doing all of the things I think excessive weeks. And like, tell me more what that looks like. Are you not sleeping? Are you not eating well?
Speaker: Is it affecting your day to day life? You know, those can all be red flags, you know, just not feeling right or back to my old self. Those are all signs of, Hey, let's,
Speaker: let's dig deeper let's talk to your family maybe you know reach out to your doctor or again we do have mental health providers available maybe you want to schedule a visit with them um and it's all you know there's group sessions or you know virtual you don't have to go in office but i think also when people have options of like what type of care like you don't have to go to the doctor like you can talk to her you know over zoom or whichever platform and just do a a mental health check-in and it's it's safe. And I think that the more we talk about it, the the more normal it is, right? Because you know I'm older and we never talked about the doctor's office. Like, how are you doing? How are you feeling? And I think,
Speaker: Let's talk about that. You know, there's a whole space for our mental health and, you know, all of that. So I think just just naming it and giving it a space like, I'm not feeling the same or I thought I would feel better sooner. And so just kind of let's talk about that. Well, and just have it be beyond, you know, that like little checklist that all of us, you know, answer on the clipboard when we go in for a six week appointment and then. 100%. Yeah, that's it.
Speaker: that's it yeah and a lot of us exactly like you know the mama at the grocery store a lot of us don't think about oh i maybe i do go back and talk to my ob about yeah how i'm feeling it just doesn't even occur to someone exactly and i don't have a checklist i'm just here to like let's just have an open dialogue and have some you know have some questions and let's let's just talk about it um but yeah so you know at some point a surrogate does start asking herself, you know, is this something that I want to do again? Or was this my last journey? What can it be like to sit with that question, especially for, you know, when a surrogate, like just surrogacy has been part of their identity for so long?
Speaker: Oh, it can hurt.
Speaker: Yeah, it can. So, yeah, you you do kind of retire sometimes based on, you know, medical or age or things like that. And it could be you know, you might have thought you were going to do a couple of journeys and maybe, you know, you ended up with a complication in your delivery. And you didn't expect it. So i there is some mourning to do with that that feeling for sure because it's not what you planned. And um yeah, there's just space to talk about that and you know to to mourn the loss of doing another journey. like
Speaker: my Me personally, I did have some mourning to do in my my last journey. and The same thing is true. I think just having that space to talk about it and like, this isn't what I planned on and i'm I'm really sad. Just really sad I can't do it again, you know?
Speaker: I think it sometimes feels so hard as a surrogate to feel sad when there's something that is so wonderful and happy that is happening simultaneous. Yeah. And it almost feels selfish. I know for me it did. Like it just, it was like, I'm just, no, I'm, I'm supposed to, I'm just supposed be okay.
Speaker: Yeah. Like it's not about us, right? it's not, right it's not about me. I just want to do it again. I want to help them more. There's so many wonderful families out there that want and need a surrogate. Right. And so when, when I hear their stories and we just want to help everyone, like we really are like, oh my gosh, I totally wish I could do this again. Right. They are the so neatest people, know.
Speaker: um But there is, I just have to like look at it positively. Like there are ways for us to help them. Like I can share their stories or, you know, like wherever, if it's like a local family, maybe it can ask local friends and, you know, just share the education and the need for surrogates.
Speaker: And I mean, that's, you're helping families still. You really are. one hundred percent. It just doesn't look maybe like you thought, but there is, yeah you're exactly right. There's just a different way to still be a part of this community and, and love and support, you know, just yeah a different way. a different way. yeah Exactly.
Speaker: When the baby has gone home and, you know, the journey that everyone spent so long preparing for is technically over. What do you want every surrogate to know about what comes next for her?
Speaker: I just got goosebumps. Like, you did your job. You helped put a baby into their parents' arms. And you know it's not even about, I mean, it's beyond that. Like, you helped create aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings. Yes. You did something really amazing. I mean, the holidays are different now. Like, graduations. You know what I mean? like You helped create a tiny human and you literally changed these families lives forever. And that's not something that everybody can do. And I think just sit in that and like celebrate yourself, like you and your family have done something really amazing.
Speaker: Yeah, 100%. Yeah. No matter. Yes, 100%. Yeah. No matter the outcome like of the next journey or life after this journey, like just celebrate you in like what you've just done. and I mean, you're pretty awesome, sis.
Speaker: could not agree more. Yeah. i am so i am so excited that this is something that we are able to provide for our surrogates because exactly like you said, it is, yes, that chapter is closed, but there is that other chapter. And I love that, you know, you are going to just be that beautiful voice just to, you know, just be there to say, tell me more or cheer them on in a different way. And i am, I'm so pumped. I'm so pumped. I'm OK, I have one last question for you. You know it's coming. It's my favorite. And you know everyone who makes fun of me, you included. But you always have a coffee cup in your hand at our meetings, too. So it's not just me. i do. But we all know that with Whitney comes coffee.
Speaker: Cheers. And so I love to ask, what BB has filled your cup? Okay. This sounds so silly, but it is pumpkin spice season and I am like loving it. Yes. Pumpkin everywhere. All the fall vibes.
Speaker: I'm just loving the pumpkin. Girl, a hundred percent. And Josh makes fun of me so hard and I don't care. I will lean into the pumpkin spice girly so hard. I love it so much.
Speaker: Yes, I have like the candles on. I mean, so I live in Vegas and it's still 100 degrees, but it is fall and in our house, fall is here. Yes, no, I love it. I love it. That fills my cup just as much. I love that so much.
Speaker: Yes. Okay, well, seriously, thank you so much. And um for those who are interested in the program, this is for the surrogates at Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions. How are they going to find out more?
Speaker: um So we are going to have links on our website, on our social. um If they are a current surrogate, I will be reaching out to them personally and telling them you know all about the program. So yeah, I'm super excited. I'm looking to connect with all of our surrogates.
Speaker: Okay, so createahappyfamily.com or ask your coordinator or be on, just be ready for that call for
