Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Dirty Briefs with Alex Hooper.
Speaker: And this is a continuation of the last episode.
Speaker: So if you haven't listened to that one, do me and yourself a favor.
Speaker: Go back, check it out.
Speaker: It's 10 minutes of your time, and then you will be much more in tune with what I am talking about on this episode.
Speaker: Because these 33 days in the hospital, oh, wow.
Speaker: My, everyone, what a time to barely be alive.
Speaker: There's so much that I still haven't processed from that time.
Speaker: And a lot of it was just the sheer traumatic pain that I went through.
Speaker: Because even though I was on a lot of painkillers, some things...
Speaker: are just too strong within your body to react to the medicine that they are giving you.
Speaker: And since my body was swollen and my blood wasn't working properly, I was in pain all the time.
Speaker: There were a few instances, I'm just going to say it, I wished I was dead.
Speaker: Yup, not something I have felt in a very long time.
Speaker: I am not suicidal by any means, but when you're in that state and it's very difficult for you to picture any life outside of this place because every day is exactly the same.
Speaker: You're eating the same food.
Speaker: You're seeing the same nurses, the same doctors.
Speaker: You're watching the same shitty television.
Speaker: You don't know if there's ever gonna be anything better on the other side.
Speaker: And man, I went through some awful, awful procedures.
Speaker: Because my body was so swollen, when I had to do MRIs, I had to do three of them, at least three of them, maybe even more like five.
Speaker: You have an MRI, they put you into this long tube, and it makes these really loud sounds.
Speaker: It's like the worst techno song you've ever heard.
Speaker: It's just...
Speaker: There's no dancing whatsoever.
Speaker: There is no beat.
Speaker: It's just loud noises infiltrating your brain.
Speaker: And you already feel like garbage, so it's not helping anything.
Speaker: But then they would twist my leg into this awkward position and I would have to hold it there for an hour.
Speaker: There were multiple occasions when I just scream cried the entire length of the procedure.
Speaker: I was in so much pain.
Speaker: There was nothing I could do about it.
Speaker: I had to get this done so they could figure out exactly where the infection had spread, what's swelling inside of me.
Speaker: Why is there an abscess in my spleen?
Speaker: So I just cried a lot.
Speaker: And I love to cry.
Speaker: I'll tell you that right now.
Speaker: I love it so much.
Speaker: Like a dirty cry.
Speaker: But there's a distinction.
Speaker: I like crying because I'm tripping so hard on psychedelics that I am so grateful for my life and the people that are in it that I'm crying because I'm so happy.
Speaker: This was not that type of cry.
Speaker: So all of these things are working together, are causing me this awful level of pain.
Speaker: And I know I'm just going to have to endure it.
Speaker: There's nothing else I can do.
Speaker: There's very little happiness when you're in a hospital for 33 days.
Speaker: And I salute my wife.
Speaker: She was there every single day.
Speaker: It was awful for her too.
Speaker: I can't even imagine what she was going through because I couldn't even understand that.
Speaker: What the doctors were telling me.
Speaker: I was so out of it.
Speaker: My brain was broken.
Speaker: And so she had to take all the information.
Speaker: She's the one keeping all the paperwork.
Speaker: She's the one being told.
Speaker: That he might not make it out of this.
Speaker: Do you know what that does.
Speaker: To a person.
Speaker: Someone.
Speaker: So young.
Speaker: About to lose.
Speaker: Their partner.
Speaker: Awful.
Speaker: Just awful.
Speaker: And.
Speaker: It's funny.
Speaker: I want to go into this.
Speaker: Yeah, let's talk about it.
Speaker: Let's do this.
Speaker: I had my first enema in that hospital.
Speaker: Because of all the painkillers I was on and because my body, my blood didn't know how to operate properly, I wasn't pooping.
Speaker: I went over seven days without pooping.
Speaker: And at that point, the doctor said, you got to do this.
Speaker: And there's only one way it's going to happen.
Speaker: Ananema.
Speaker: Now, I've never had things go.
Speaker: I haven't had many things go up my butt.
Speaker: I'm not opposed to it.
Speaker: Could be fun.
Speaker: But here's what they told me.
Speaker: They said, you're going to have this tube go up your butt.
Speaker: They're going to flush it with water.
Speaker: And then you're going to have two to 15 minutes to get yourself to the bedside commode so you can let it all out.
Speaker: And man, man.
Speaker: I was terrified because I wasn't moving well.
Speaker: I could barely get out of bed.
Speaker: So to think that I was going to have to get out of it in a very short amount of time for this release, it was a very daunting task.
Speaker: Luckily, I did make it to the commode, and it took 45 minutes for me to get it out of me.
Speaker: And it was a relief,
Speaker: But fuck was it painful.
Speaker: So painful.
Speaker: There was so much in there and it had hardened.
Speaker: It was like trying to squeeze a basketball into a golf hole.
Speaker: It was brutal.
Speaker: I cried a lot.
Speaker: I was there.
Speaker: The nurse was squeezing my hand.
Speaker: I'm a 37-year-old man, and I have a nurse in her 20s holding my hand as I try to excavate everything that was inside of me.
Speaker: When I finally pooped on my own, like a week later, ugh, talk about a gorgeous feeling.
Speaker: I didn't really know it at the time, but...
Speaker: You take shit for granted.
Speaker: You take taking a shit for granted until you can't do it.
Speaker: Then all of a sudden, it's very much in there.
Speaker: Now, I started physical therapy about two and a half weeks in, and it was very slow going.
Speaker: The first time, I couldn't even get out of bed.
Speaker: The second session, I stood up but couldn't take a step.
Speaker: My body was still in an awful state.
Speaker: It didn't know how to move properly.
Speaker: I was so weak that everything hurt.
Speaker: Everything I did, every movement I made caused me pain.
Speaker: But I knew that I had to do this stuff.
Speaker: And there were days when I was doing my physical therapy or my occupational therapy and I wanted to do more.
Speaker: I wanted to because all I could think about was how am I ever going to get better if I don't get out of this hospital?
Speaker: And part of me getting out of here is knowing that I need to strengthen my body, strengthen my muscles, and get my head right so I can walk out of here.
Speaker: Well, that's what I wanted to do.
Speaker: The hospital team had a different idea.
Speaker: They would stop me.
Speaker: I would go halfway down a hallway and they'd say, that's enough.
Speaker: And I would say, no, I can do more.
Speaker: And they'd say, actually, you can't.
Speaker: Because if you do, we have to report that to your insurance company.
Speaker: And then they're going to kick you out of the hospital before it's time.
Speaker: That's all they wanted to do.
Speaker: That insurance company, they wanted me out of that hospital so bad because it was costing them what would end up being over a million dollars.
Speaker: They wanted me out of there.
Speaker: But I had to slow myself down.
Speaker: I couldn't go too fast.
Speaker: And I'm a person who, you know this, I love to go fast.
Speaker: I always want to go faster.
Speaker: Must go faster.
Speaker: Must go faster.
Speaker: And them telling me that I couldn't do any more, it hurt so bad because I just felt like I can.
Speaker: And they physically had to stop me.
Speaker: And that was something, a lesson that I had to take in.
Speaker: I had to learn that.
Speaker: And it wasn't easy.
Speaker: It really wasn't.
Speaker: Right before I got out of there, I thought I was getting out and
Speaker: Then, because of an MRI, they realized that I had a very old injury in my knee, and that's why my right knee was three times the size of my left knee, and it wasn't draining properly.
Speaker: So they had to do a minor surgery and keep me in an extra five days past when I was supposed to be out of there.
Speaker: So they drilled four holes in my knee, and they attached tubes that spent the next three days draining out of it.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: I mean, just thing after thing after thing, right?
Speaker: Everything that's going wrong is happening at the same time and it's just piling on top of each other.
Speaker: And in that time, how do I stay positive?
Speaker: How do I find the inspiration, the strength to keep looking forward and knowing that this is temporary?
Speaker: This is not my life.
Speaker: I am a person who is fun, who is silly, who travels, who spreads joy to as many people as I can.
Speaker: And here I am, barely hanging on by a thread, practically dead.
Speaker: I had to come to terms with that.
Speaker: I almost died.
Speaker: Like, really close.
Speaker: Really, really close.
Speaker: And here I am trying to come back stronger than ever.
Speaker: And I have to exercise patience.
Speaker: I have to do my physical therapy exercises every single day.
Speaker: This is not going to be an easy process.
Speaker: And I know that.
Speaker: I know that.
Speaker: I mean, at one point I really lost my cool.
Speaker: When the doctor told me I would have to stay in there for five more days, I was just, everything that emanates from me, that radiates the light inside of me, it went dark and I shut down and I was just like, fuck this, fuck this hospital, fuck everyone I know, fuck everything I've ever done, fuck absolutely everything.
Speaker: I don't want to be here anymore.
Speaker: I don't want to do this.
Speaker: And I started snapping at doctors.
Speaker: I did my best to not snap at a nurse.
Speaker: And if I did, I apologize immediately because I cannot tell you enough to be grateful to your nurses and doctors.
Speaker: Those nurses, they don't have to take care of you.
Speaker: It's part of their job.
Speaker: They don't have to care.
Speaker: But they do.
Speaker: They do.
Speaker: I had a girl in her 20s have to wipe my ass because I was incapable.
Speaker: So you better believe that was not her dream that morning.
Speaker: To wipe my butt.
Speaker: But she did it.
Speaker: She kept a smile on her face and we kept making jokes.
Speaker: So I tried my best to never yell at them.
Speaker: They didn't deserve that.
Speaker: But it was hard to keep my cool.
Speaker: And there were certain days where I just, they would come in and I'd say, hey, I can't do this right now.
Speaker: Please don't talk to me in any way.
Speaker: Just put in the medicine and let me go.
Speaker: Let me lay here.
Speaker: Depression.
Speaker: That's depression.
Speaker: I think it's unavoidable in that situation.
Speaker: What kind of freak would I be if I was like, I'm having the best time in here.
Speaker: Oh my gosh, I never wanna leave.
Speaker: Everything in my life has led to this specific moment and I am just exuding joy from every pore.
Speaker: Nope.
Speaker: Not when my blood had turned to poison.
Speaker: I'm going to be coming to terms with this for a long time.
Speaker: There are lessons that I will never stop learning.
Speaker: There will be memories that just get into my head out of nowhere.
Speaker: And I will remember being in that MRI tube, just scream crying for long periods of time.
Speaker: There's a lot of trauma that I have to process and I need to do it.
Speaker: I have to do it.
Speaker: Otherwise,
Speaker: It will ruminate inside of me.
Speaker: It will be marinating in there.
Speaker: And who knows when it will bubble to the surface and come out in a very negative way.
Speaker: There's going to be more on this.
Speaker: There's going to be more.
Speaker: But I don't want to overload you.
Speaker: I know this episode was a lot.
Speaker: The last three have been a lot.
Speaker: They're going to get sillier.
Speaker: I promise.
Speaker: You know me.
Speaker: I try to keep it light.
Speaker: But I'm also not afraid to tell you the truth.
Speaker: And now that I can talk about it candidly, it feels pretty good.
Speaker: So please, come out to a show and listen to the really good jokes about all this.
Speaker: HooperComedy.com, at HooperHairPuff on all social media.
Speaker: Subscribe right now to Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: 10 to 15 minute episodes every single week just for you.
Speaker: Well, and also for me.
Speaker: I love you very much.
Speaker: Have a wonderful rest of your day.
