Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Dirty Briefs, you spiritual seeker.
Speaker: It's the first day of positivity boot camp, and we are about to tickle every nook of your wellness centers by signing up for this 10-minute course, which you already did.
Speaker: You are choosing to say,
Speaker: Fuck yes, I want to drink life out of a crazy straw.
Speaker: I accept all forms of chaos knowing that the sheer possibility of the unknown could bring out the greatest parts of me.
Speaker: And by me, I mean you.
Speaker: I care so much about your well-being.
Speaker: I froth at the mouth thinking of your healthy habits, probably even more than you.
Speaker: I need you to get out of your lazy boy or lazy girl.
Speaker: We are inclusive here at Positivity Bootcamp and get cracking.
Speaker: And some of you are probably thinking, but Alex, it's hard.
Speaker: Did you experience trauma when you were a kid?
Speaker: Is it holding you back?
Speaker: Good.
Speaker: We love trauma.
Speaker: We love when it gets deep into the cracks and crevices of your body.
Speaker: So deep that billionaires want to explore it on a homemade submarine.
Speaker: That's the kind of trauma we're looking to bring out of every orifice.
Speaker: Do you feel the judgment from others?
Speaker: Do you?
Speaker: Do you feel them looking at you?
Speaker: Looking down on you?
Speaker: Looking at all your inadequacies?
Speaker: Good!
Speaker: Because I love you so fucking much that I will erase the judgment with pure vitality.
Speaker: I want you vibrating so hard that you come before you even press the button to turn it on.
Speaker: I want to be slathered in your positive livelihood.
Speaker: Now look, if you want to sleep all day and blame others for your problems, well, cut that shit out.
Speaker: We don't care for that mentality here at the Aggressively Positive Wellness Center.
Speaker: I want to put happiness bullets into a
Speaker: gun and press it against your temples and pull the trigger.
Speaker: Make sure the child safety's off because you're about to be pulsating with the enthusiasm of 10,000 orcas at a seal-themed birthday party.
Speaker: You're going to eat joy for breakfast with a side of inspiration eggs and then wash it all down with a glass of orange pizzazz.
Speaker: If you even feel an ounce of sadness throughout the day.
Speaker: I want you to recognize it.
Speaker: Observe that feeling.
Speaker: Lean into it.
Speaker: What's causing it?
Speaker: Because once you have identified the feeling, I want you to hone in on it.
Speaker: You ready?
Speaker: Do you have that feeling?
Speaker: Are you holding it close?
Speaker: Good.
Speaker: Now slap yourself.
Speaker: Hark!
Speaker: Slap that feeling right out of you.
Speaker: Because as a human, it is your intrinsic right to feel amazing all the time.
Speaker: Sometimes the best feelings are happening inside your pelvic region.
Speaker: It's not sexual.
Speaker: You just have a tight ass and powerful loins ready to explode with happy merriment.
Speaker: What are you afraid of?
Speaker: Failure?
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: You failed almost everything you've ever attempted.
Speaker: But you know what's more terrifying than failure?
Speaker: Your ex leaking your most unflattering nude photos.
Speaker: Fuuuuck!
Speaker: No one was supposed to see those, and now they're on the front page of Reddit?
Speaker: That's true fear.
Speaker: So ask yourself, and don't be a coward, what are you afraid of?
Speaker: Because I'll tell you this right now.
Speaker: I want to fuck that fear right out of you.
Speaker: It's not sexual.
Speaker: If you reaching your highest potential has anything to do with sex, then lick my asshole and spit in my mouth because this isn't about making love.
Speaker: This is about straight fear fucking.
Speaker: And if you can't find the motivation to do it yourself, then I will step up, open my legs and put a welcome sign over my taint.
Speaker: No cover charge here.
Speaker: Come on in and get wet because you know you want to.
Speaker: Fear is a DUI checkpoint.
Speaker: Yes, you have to stop and acknowledge it, but it's nothing more than an inconvenience.
Speaker: Even if you're drunk, you can get past it.
Speaker: You don't need confidence.
Speaker: You are confidence.
Speaker: So take some deep breaths.
Speaker: Deeper than that.
Speaker: Come on.
Speaker: I want you to really get in there.
Speaker: When you inhale fresh nutrients, imagine them attaching to each individual cell, grabbing it by the horns and hanging on because you're tall enough to get on this ride.
Speaker: Your capacity for love is expanding with every breath.
Speaker: And I want you to be bursting with abundance as you skip down the street today.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Don't walk.
Speaker: Swing those arms and skip.
Speaker: I don't care how you look.
Speaker: All I care about is how you feel, you dirty skank.
Speaker: So look, maybe now you're thinking, oh, this is too much.
Speaker: I just want to crawl back into bed and roll myself into a ball until I pass out and never have to wake up again.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: That's an option.
Speaker: But that doesn't sound...
Speaker: Like your best self, to me, doesn't sound like that at all.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I want you to go outside, look at the sun, and scream, I'm a fucking human and I deserve everything.
Speaker: Because you do.
Speaker: You do.
Speaker: And I'm here to help you find it.
Speaker: That's why you signed up for this class, this aggressive boot camp.
Speaker: Because we know, telling you softly, saying, hey, if you feel like it,
Speaker: On your own time, you can do it whenever you're ready.
Speaker: Ha!
Speaker: Right now!
Speaker: That's the time.
Speaker: You're ready right now.
Speaker: I can see it in you.
Speaker: I can feel it wherever you're listening to this.
Speaker: I am with you right now.
Speaker: I am inside of you and I forgot to put on a condom.
Speaker: So get ready to feel every single part of me because we are making
Speaker: melding together.
Speaker: We are merging into each other.
Speaker: We are immersing ourselves in this one lifetime that we get.
Speaker: Because that's all we get.
Speaker: Just one lifetime.
Speaker: You guys have made me feel really good this year because this is how we heal.
Speaker: Showing vulnerability is showing strength, not weakness.
Speaker: Ask for help when you need it.
Speaker: And if you need further healing, come to a show.
Speaker: I got tour dates coming up in August.
Speaker: I'm hitting the Pickathon Festival in Oregon.
Speaker: I'm hitting Salem.
Speaker: I'll be in Austin.
Speaker: I'll be in Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Phoenix.
Speaker: September, I'm hitting Palm Springs.
Speaker: I'm hitting Eureka, California.
Speaker: I'm hitting Sioux Falls.
Speaker: I'm hitting Fargo, October, Orlando, and Tampa.
Speaker: And we are adding more every single week.
Speaker: So make sure you are on my email list, hoopercomedy.com.
Speaker: Sign up.
Speaker: I won't spam you because you are not going to miss these shows.
Speaker: I don't want you to miss them.
Speaker: I want to come to your city and I want to give you a big hug and put a smile on.
Speaker: on your face because that's what you do for me every single day.
Speaker: And if you need further healing, check out liquidiv.com.
Speaker: As you guys know, I went through a plethora of
Speaker: of health problems this past year.
Speaker: And electrolytes are one of the things that I always will endorse because liquid IV is the category winning hydration band fueling your wellbeing and their hydration multiplier is the one product you're missing in your daily routine.
Speaker: I mean, think about it.
Speaker: There's convenient packaging.
Speaker: It makes you feel fantastic.
Speaker: And it tastes good!
Speaker: Strawberry lemonade flavor.
Speaker: Lemon lime.
Speaker: My personal favorite.
Speaker: Tropical punch!
Speaker: One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone.
Speaker: Plus, they believe that equitable access to clean and abundant water is the foundation of a healthier world.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: Liquid IV to date has donated over 39 million servings in 50 countries all over the world.
Speaker: So you want to get Liquid IV, go to liquidiv.com.
Speaker: Use promo code Hooper at checkout.
Speaker: H-O-O-P-E-R.
Speaker: That's 20% off anything you order when you shop Better Hydration Today using promo code Hooper at liquidiv.com.
Speaker: Go to liquidiv.com.
Speaker: Go to hooper.comedy.com.
Speaker: I will see you out there in the streets.
Speaker: Now get better, you stupid son of a...
