1: Should I DIY My Divorce? 5 Ways a Family Lawyer Can Help.

Transcript

Speaker: We are going to cover the five things a family lawyer can help you with so that you can make an informed decision about whether to reach out to a lawyer for help or not. Hey there, my name is Annabelle, your host, dog mom, musical theater lover, life enthusiast, and practicing family law lawyer. But most importantly, fellow traveler on this wild, beautiful journey we call life. It's a real pleasure to meet you.

Speaker: I'm a Cheshire girl who swept the rolling hills of England for the stunning Okanagan Valley. I got my undergraduate degree from UBC Okanagan, but always had a plan for my future to be in law. After my undergrad, I packed my bags and headed off to Scotland for Law School at the University of Edinburgh, where I managed to snag myself an LLB with distinction. Because who doesn't love a bit of a challenge, right? Now I'm back in Canada living on the wonderful west coast in the city of Victoria, beautiful British Columbia, and I am in the thick of my career as a family lawyer. I have the goal not only to build you a community which can help you navigate through the tough challenges that come with separation and divorce, but also to empower you to build something bigger and better for your future. Welcome to That Was So Real Life After Law, where my goal becomes a reality. This podcast is your safe space, your community. If you are going through a major life transition like separation, divorce, or any other significant life change, and you're looking to transform one of these toughest hurdles into an opportunity to rebuild, rebrand, and refocus your future, then you are in the right place.

Speaker: I believe that obtaining your legal separation is only the start of your new journey and I'm here to save you time in accessing the resources that you need to move forward stronger and better than ever. Think of this as your guide to creating a life you'll love, whether you're still in the midst of your family law journey or you're already embracing your new chapter. In this episode, I'm going to tell you a little bit about why I'm here so that we can get properly acquainted.

Speaker: And then we are going to answer the biggest question we are all way too afraid to ask after finally deciding to go through that breakup. And here it is. Do I even need a lawyer? If you're not exactly sure what a family lawyer even does or what their role could be in helping you through your separation, you are well and truly not alone. And this episode is just for you.

Speaker: We are going to cover the five things a family lawyer can help you with so that you can make an informed decision about whether to reach out to a lawyer for help or not. Awesome. Well, welcome everybody once again. Before we dive into today's episode, I just want to take a moment to say I'm honestly so thrilled to be here.

Speaker: This has been a work in progress for quite a while now and recently there have been some really wild signs that have come up so organically and have truly confirmed my main reasons for being here. So I wanted to share those with you really briefly as I think it's such a nice way for us to start this conversation and then I'll tell you a little bit about why I'm here and I promise then we will get to the meat of the episode, which is those five key takeaways about why you might need help from a lawyer. So one of these experiences I was telling you about came up for me in the process of recording this first episode.

Speaker: I mean, I've come here to ask you if you are ready to hit reset on your life and your goals and then to offer my help and guidance along the way. And I honestly have to admit something to you. I have hit reset on recording this first episode more times than I'd like to admit.

Speaker: And there is a beautiful irony in this, which is why I just had to share this story with you. Starting anything new in life comes with a whole pile of emotions. There will be excitement, but there could also be loss. There could be discomfort, but also growth.

Speaker: And because I was so excited to start on this new journey with you, but I didn't immediately know where to begin, I have been going through that exact same whack of emotions. I've felt motivated, I've had creative blocks, I've had so many ideas and also so many hesitations.

Speaker: And this is why we're here, right? To be in a safe place, to pause and give ourselves a moment to discover what brings us joy, what motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves, both for ourselves and the people around us. We might not get it at first, we might not get it the second time or even the third time around, and that's okay. This experience for me seemed like the perfect segue into the first gift I wanted to give you in this episode.

Speaker: I like to call this gift your guilt -free pass for you to grab onto today and hold tightly for each and every episode going forward. This is your pass as you listen no along to set aside any guilt, disappointment, feelings of overwhelm, or any other weight you might be carrying about your current situation. Especially if you are in a relationship that is just no longer serving you.

Speaker: Take a moment to breathe, forget about what could have been, and allow yourself that second of peace. You have tuned in for a reason, and that's to find your new start and your reset.

Speaker: We have to give ourselves this grace, right? This is something I've learned from meeting so many people in your shoes and from going through it myself too. We love to get into this cycle of blame, whether we're blaming ourselves or someone else. And here's the truth. Relationships are hard. Obvious, right? They're complicated and sometimes they just don't work out.

Speaker: And why don't they work out? Well, many different reasons. As you know, we are all unique in that. But I believe there's a foundation to each and every one of those reasons. And I honestly love to talk about this. So apologies in advance because you will probably hear this over and over again throughout the episodes.

Speaker: But our realities are truly our own. They are shaped by our experiences, our values, our cultures, our beliefs, and they don't or could not possibly align with every other person out there. Sometimes we experience something apart from our relationships that ignites a change within us, which means our realities are no longer aligned with the same people that they once were.

Speaker: And when this happens, well, our realities, they clash and they collide. And that's when we end up in a place where we need to move on. So what's the key to fixing this for us going forward? Well, it's just acknowledging your reality, your efforts, recognizing your mistakes and learning from them while also showing an appreciation and an understanding for how other people choose to show up.

Speaker: And then most importantly of all, knowing when it's time to move on if how someone is choosing to show up is no longer right for you. It's all part of the process. And as you know, it's not that easy. These are skills we are all trying to learn. It is such a daunting task and yet we are engaged with it day in and day out because the benefits of a good relationship can be truly awesome.

Speaker: And this is where I connect with you as listeners because just like you, I have spent years practicing these skills, balancing my own reality with those around me, navigating the ups and downs of relationships, et cetera, et cetera. But here's the kicker, practice doesn't make perfect.

Speaker: How could it? Every time a new relationship begins, you have a new set of circumstances, you are in a different position in life, and things are going to look different. So we just couldn't possibly create a blueprint. Instead, we give ourselves this grace, we give ourselves this guilt -free path.

Speaker: You made it this far, now please imagine I just placed that guilt free pass right down in front of you, hold onto to it tightly for these episodes and the episodes to come. Alright, so just one other funny thing that came up when I was preparing to launch this episode, and I promise this one is more brief, but it too was a great example of one of the reasons I landed here today.

Speaker: And it kinda comes back to what I just spent the last few minutes explaining, that we all see and interpret the world differently. When I started to promote the trailer, it was the first time many people had seen the name of the show, right? That was so real, life after law. And I received so many messages from friends and family congratulating me on finally taking the step,

Speaker: But I also received some very concerned phone calls from friends saying things like, oh my goodness, I saw your post. Are you quitting law? Do you not practice family law anymore? What happened? And I was immediately like, wait, what? I'm so confused because no, you know, life after law, like,

Speaker: life after you've gone through the legal process of your separation. Well, you can see how this was interpreted. People had thought life after law meant that I was telling the world I was moving on from this career path. This was something I hadn't even considered would be how people would interpret the name. It's such a simple example of how even something so small in the grand scheme of things as to the three descriptor words I put out there for the show, in a flash, people interpreted things differently.

Speaker: And that's the thing, right? These small misunderstandings can lead to confusion or bigger, greater issues in life, right? When we misinterpret what someone means, how someone's feeling, or we just simply interpret it in the way that makes sense for us because of who we are. We then have to ask questions and information gather and try and figure things out to make relationships with the people we care about work.

Speaker: So, you may notice a tweak in the show title over the next few episodes, and maybe I will run those tweaks by you this time. After all, it's pretty key that you listeners understand where I'm coming from.

Speaker: because I feel like that's kind of the point. So my last thought on this is that I do truly believe there are things happening around us all the time that signal to us whether we are on the right path. But without getting too woo woo, as I like to call it, on the very first episode, let's move on because it's time for me to convince you right from the outset that this podcast is your new comprehensive resource for owning your journey going forward.

Speaker: There's been some signs, like I said, that have indicated that I am now in the right place. But why did I even get here in the first place? And this is kind of how it all came about. I had this feeling that something was missing from my own practice and my experience with my clients. And I kind of I started to mull over the idea of building this community. And when I was telling people about the idea,

Speaker: I always ask questions like, well, why a podcast when there's already so much self -help content out there, right? Fair question. And here's my answer. There is a gap in the family law world that this podcast aims to fill. Legal resources are often hard to fill. find they are often a little bit complicated when you finally find them. And then outside of the legal resources, there's also missing information about the other aspects of healing that you need to do when you're going through something like this, right? It's hard to navigate.

Speaker: The content we are going to explore throughout these episodes are going to deal with that, right? Think of it like a compass for you. A compass to navigating your legal and lifestyle roadmap to resetting after separation. As you know, I'm meeting with people just like you in my practice who have sought me out to help you on your legal journey.

Speaker: So oftentimes this includes some really hard stuff. For example, you might need a schedule for seeing your kids. You might need access to your family home or help dividing your hard earned money that's still in the bank. And I sometimes spend more than a year with you in this process. Now, don't panic. The aim is that it never takes this long. um But pause for a second, pull out your phones and Google top five most stressful events.

Speaker: And yeah, separation and divorce is on that list. Next to death of a loved one, major illness, moving or job loss. And some might want to add shopping at Costco to that list, and I am right here with you on that.

Speaker: But throughout the process, it's inevitable that I become one of the most in the know people in your life if you are my client, right? And I don't take that level of vulnerability or openness on your part for granted. It is crazy to think that in our personal relationships, we work so, so hard to share and relate to the people we care about so that we can feel comfortable enough to share the best and the worst parts of ourselves with them.

Speaker: And here you are, in my office, meeting me for the first time and confiding in me all of your deepest and darkest fears with a complete stranger. Hi! Yep, that's me, stranger here. It is totally mind -blowing to me that you are brave enough to share with me something that may have taken hours of processing and anguish to even discover for yourself.

Speaker: It's likely that you might not even have shared some of this information with your closest family and dearest friends, and I recognize just how difficult that must be. As the lawyer, I have this truly important role to play in supporting your wellbeing along the way, but I also know my limitations in this process. A legal dispute does not just need lawyers. We need a team of supporting professionals like financial advisors, counsellors, etc. to get through this process.

Speaker: And I have the utmost respect for the other professionals who have the training to fully engage with supporting my client's mental and emotional health, or financial and professional wellbeing, whatever they need that isn't my role as the lawyer. These supports are pivotal for all persons going through the process, and I have absolutely no business crossing that line.

Speaker: But then how do you as the client find these resources to help you along the way and make sure you can continue to access them in your life after law? See what I did there? Are you sure we need to change the title of the podcast? Anyways, I believe most of my colleagues, if not all of them who are practicing family law, would like to do more to engage in a holistic process that supports all of our clients' needs, not just legal needs. But this is not the traditional approach. And this is the gap I have been talking about all along.

Speaker: Now that's not to say we don't provide resources to our clients, right? We all have a set of referral lists to outsource these supports. But here's the problem. I find that these lists are often a bit lackluster to say the very least. It's sometimes as if they are hand -me -downs from the 1900s. They could definitely use an update. They are pretty impersonal in that they aren't specific to the person who needs the resources.

Speaker: They're not informational, they're typically just a business name and number on a piece of paper and then you as the client is left to do all the work. And after meeting with you, being hired and beginning our lawyer and client relationship, I have that unique opportunity that I was talking about earlier to understand who you are, where you are at and the support that you might need.

Speaker: While I have this opportunity, I've noticed that myself and my colleagues don't always have the time or space in our calendars to personalize finding those extra resources for you, no matter how much we all want to.

Speaker: And I can't speak for all of my colleagues, obviously, but I honestly do believe we all try our best. It's just not something that is usually part of our role, other than at least giving you some launch points. You as the client deserve a new, improved, and personalized resource list, and my podcast is going to bring those resources to you.

Speaker: You'll be able to browse through the episodes, click on titles and descriptions that call out to you, and have the opportunity to hear from the professionals that speak directly to what you need. If you are in the local area and you're in British Columbia, think of these episodes as me saving you the time of calling around to different agencies and interviewing different professionals, be it counselors, mediators, financial advisors, to see if they're the right fit. I will do that here for you.

Speaker: And if you're listening from afar, you can utilize these episodes as examples of the different supports you might need to get through the process and then skip ahead in your local area to the ones you want to seek out. I am honored to become your legal and lifestyle translator in this way, helping you build your resource toolkit.

Speaker: Because once again, these tools are pivotal for bravely making your way through your separation and boldly setting up your future. If you are my client, when everything is all said and done, sadly you won't need me anymore. But then comes the time for you to look inwards and engage with finding you again. And this is a great place to look if you want to figure out how. Consider the gap well and truly filled.

Speaker: Okay, okay, I promised some stories and there you've had them. But I think it's about time we got into the main focus of the episode, which is to answer that question, do I really even need a lawyer anyways? Let's blast through the top five things a family lawyer can help you with.

Speaker: Number one, clear advice on your rights. A family lawyer explains your rights and options clearly, helping you understand the next steps in the process. Sounds pretty obvious, but let's go deeper. What are the potential steps in the process? Well, here's my favorite part. A family lawyer can help you avoid court and keep costs down.

Speaker: Wait, what? I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, hold the phone. Aren't lawyers pretty darn expensive? And don't they go to court? Isn't that the whole thing? Hear me out for a second.

Speaker: Depending on who you are, you might have a house, some investments, a pension, and so on, and the number one goal coming out of a relationship is coming to an agreement with your ex -spouse about who gets what. And then, of course, you want this all written down, signed, sealed, and delivered, not literally, but you get the point.

Speaker: And a family lawyer will get those agreements down on paper for you in the terms of something we call a separation agreement. And this is the agreement that outlines all important issues like division of those assets, spousal support, child support, and arrangements for the kids. And this helps avoid future conflicts and provides clarity. We'll talk more about these specifics later.

Speaker: But you see what I'm saying. If you are one of the lucky people who agrees with your ex about how things should be divided between you, ah you can just go to see a lawyer and ask for these agreements to be formalized for you. Perfect. And if you need a little bit of help with that piece, AKA, you're not quite seeing eye to eye. This is one of the other key things a lawyer will help you with. They can hear about your situation, your family and your needs and give you that clear advice and guidance in negotiating the terms of that agreement.

Speaker: And here's the thing, a separation agreement is basically your separation Bible. Whether you're married or not, it is the main piece of the puzzle that means you get to have closure and move on your way. And here's the part you might not know. If you are married and you have a separation agreement, you're all good to go. You can avoid ever needing to go to court.

Speaker: Shocking, I know, but I told you I'd get to the point. A lawyer can help you avoid court. Once you have this agreement, you can ask your lawyer to help you file the agreement with the other documents that are needed to get a divorce signed and handed to you without ever having to go to any court appearances.

Speaker: If you and your ex -partner can't agree on certain issues, again, a family lawyer can be there for you throughout the process. And there are many processes that you can engage in with your lawyer. For example, you could go to a mediation, you could take your lawyer with you and come out of that process with another document just like a separation agreement that you can then go ahead and file. So it's not just all a courtroom drama.

Speaker: Okay, that leads us to number two, Fair Property Division. In British Columbia, property division can be complex and a family lawyer can help you understand what you're entitled to under the main piece of legislation we use called the Family Law Act, including dividing assets like real estate savings and other property you shared with your ex.

Speaker: Often the best advice I can give you is even just to check in and have one meeting with a lawyer just to gather some basic information about what you're entitled to before you give too much away. There are many aspects to this you might not have thought about.

Speaker: What about the money or property, be that real estate or other valuables that you had before you got together with your ex? What about the debt your ex had before you got together? Are you responsible for that? The answer is typically no, but it's best to check in about this.

Speaker: What about the gift you received from your parents for the down payments on the house or for the wedding? Have you considered contributions to your pension plan that you made during the relationship, whether that is an employment pension or your Canada pension plan? Again, please don't panic. This is not to scare you. These are just examples of the things that honestly we don't think about or care about when we are new here, right? Emotions are high. Remember the guilt free pass.

Speaker: It is expected that you are not going to show up to this process the fully confident, smart, wonderful person that you are ready and willing to look into this. You have so much other stuff racing through your mind at this stage in the process that you're just not going to engage with all of these questions like you would on your best day and that's why there are resources out there for you at this stage.

Speaker: Well, we are well and truly on a roll. So let's move on to the next step, because if you have children, there will be some other agreements you likely want to prioritize over dividing all of your stuff up. So that leads us to number three, parenting time and decision making for your kids.

Speaker: Something I want to tell you first and foremost, if you've been experiencing a less than optimal relationship with your ex as far as your kids are concerned, in other words, you've been arguing about who is or isn't pulling their weight with the school pickups and drop -offs, the meal prep, the scheduling, and the taking of kids to activities, so on and so forth.

Speaker: Unfortunately, you can kind of guarantee that this will not change once you are living separate and apart from one another. It might actually get a little bit more tricky, but let me reframe this for you real quick. You now have the opportunity to have the sharing of those responsibilities well and truly nailed down and formally written out. Yep, you now have a document that spells it out. Co -parenting made easier.

Speaker: A family lawyer helps create a solid plan that works for your kids and your family, and the focus is always on what's best for your kids. No more excuses from the acts. I have drafted parenting agreements that i have spelled out who gets to see the children on Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other holiday that your individual family values. We always include clauses like who gets to keep the valuable documents like passports, birth certificates, and other things that you probably won't have even thought about at this point.

Speaker: And at the very least, you want an agreement about the days of the week you will have the kids. In BC, it is presumed that as guardians to your children, you and your ex will share equally all of the major rights and responsibilities to make decisions that are in your kids' best interests. Those include things like which schools they will go to, which medical professionals they will see, what activities they will be involved in,

Speaker: But if you're here, again, there's a chance you and your ex might not be able to agree on some of these things. So don't worry, you might need some help going forward about how you can approach these occasions when you're not agreeing. Why not take the opportunity to discuss these now with help if needed so that you can provide the best environment for your children and yourself going forward?

Speaker: Alright, so what's up next? The fourth thing a family lawyer can help you with is child support and spousal support. Support matters. Whether you are seeking support for your kids or yourself, your lawyer will make sure that the right support is calculated fairly so that everyone's needs are met.

Speaker: But even before that, we as lawyers can tell you pretty quickly whether child support or spousal support, often called alimony if you're watching American TV, is even payable. You can google support calculators in BC and there are some pretty decent resources out there where you can input your income, the income of your ex, your kid's ages, and voila!

Speaker: But this is kind of a starting point. This is definitely not the end of it. There are many other elements to consider when it comes to calculating child support. For example, how often do you have the kids? The calculation for child support in BC considers the parenting arrangement in the calculation. Do you have shared parenting or is one of you the primary parent? What is shared parenting? What is primary parenting? How much money do you make and how much of that money factors into the calculation of what support would be paid?

Speaker: Well, what do I mean by this? I mean, it's not always just about your yearly salary. There's other things to think about. Perhaps you have a business, and the money your business earns is different than what you pay yourself in a salary. Maybe some of it stays in the business. Or perhaps there are things you pay, like union dues, which you can deduct from your earnings when we are looking at the income you have available for child support.

Speaker: Another different example would be the question of the other things you pay for for the kids like sports and extracurricular activities or medical, dental and the question of how you plan to share these costs because in BC these types of expenses are not considered to be included in any money exchanged for child support.

Speaker: It's important for you to dive in and know a little bit more about this before the receipts for all those things start stacking up. So you see how all of a sudden this got kind of complicated and nuanced? Your time is your currency, and I will say this now and I will say it again. Don't waste your time prowling the internet for these answers. These are things a lawyer can answer in a first meeting.

Speaker: In an hour, even if you're just looking for general advice and not to hire a lawyer going forward, we can do that. You have that resource at your fingertips. Now, when it comes to spousal support, if that's something you're worried about or something you want questions answered about, again, you could look this up and get some pretty reasonable information online. If you Google, am I entitled to spousal support in British Columbia? You might get some good info, some good starter info.

Speaker: And why not do that? But again, if you want to get a good picture of what the heck is really going on here and what you are entitled to or what you might end up paying, it's probably a good idea to ask someone and they'll tell you. A lawyer can guide you through the process of determining these very things. They'll explain how the amount and duration of support are calculated and ensure that your rights are protected.

Speaker: To receive spousal support in British Columbia, you have to have an entitlement. It is not automatic. It gets kind of complicated. And if you have children, there's an interplay between spousal support and child support, which is important to know about. Because even if you have an entitlement to spousal support, the payment of the support for your children takes precedence.

Speaker: So even if you have that clear -cut entitlement, like we said, there may not be enough money left in the pot to pay you spousal support once the kids are well and truly taken care of.

Speaker: All right, we are almost there. We are on number five. What can a lawyer do? They can represent you when it gets tough. So you've tried all the other steps to get an agreement. You've tried to talk to your ex and come to an agreement. Maybe you even met with a lawyer once or twice for some general advice, but your ex just does not want to hear it.

Speaker: Maybe you went to a mediation with a lawyer or on your own, and you still didn't walk out with your agreement written down and signed. Well, sorry to say this listeners, but this might be around the time you have to give in and call someone like me. Your lawyer can handle negotiations or represent you in court, protecting your interests every step of the way.

Speaker: It's also important to note that some lawyers will offer what we call unbundled services. This basically means you can hire a lawyer to check in with from time to time and ask those crucial questions about steps forward, points of law, court forms, court process, without having to hire a lawyer to fully step in and attend court for you or engage with all of those steps in the process if you feel like you can do some of those on your own with just a bit of help.

Speaker: Now don't beat yourself up if the thought of having to stand up in court on your own seems completely terrifying. That is why there are options for this kind of help. Well, we did it. We covered the five ways a lawyer can help if you are wondering, do I even need a lawyer anyways? So to recap, number one, clear advice on your rights. A family lawyer explains your rights and options clearly, helping you understand next steps, whether it's a separation or a divorce, no guesswork, just clear actionable advice from understanding the basics to getting an agreement that keeps you out of court.

Speaker: Two. Fair property division. Dividing assets. It's not as simple as it seems. A lawyer ensures a fair division of property like your home, savings or investments. It's all about balance and they'll help you get there.

Speaker: Parenting time and decision -making. If you have kids, a lawyer can help you navigate a parenting schedule from the day to day of where the kids will live and also to the details like who's all spend their holidays with. You can get advice for how to build your life going forward that considers the kids best interests as paramount. And a lawyer can help you navigate how important decisions for the children will be made if you and your ex just cannot agree.

Speaker: Number four, child and spousal support. Again, support matters. A lawyer can help you understand the nuanced ways to determine child support, spousal support, and the other expenses that you have to pay for for your kids. Finally, number five, representation when it gets tough. If all else fails, you can consult with a lawyer or hire a lawyer to help you with the tricky court system.

Speaker: Your lawyer can handle negotiations from the outset or just step in when you need help with court protecting your interests every step of the way. Well, with all that said, congratulations, you did it! I'm hoping you now have the clarity you need about whether or not to reach out to a lawyer. In the next episode, we are going to cover how to find a lawyer who is the right fit for you, how to come prepared for the first meeting, what to expect, and how to make the most of the meeting so that you can save on costs.

Speaker: So I hope to see you again for that episode. One of my favorite things about my practice is when I hear from clients a year or so later and they share with me the many personal successes they have achieved after moving forward on this new chapter. And if we've met before, perhaps I'll be a familiar voice for you to tune in and it will bring some comfort.

Speaker: I also recognize that for some people I've met along the way, my voice might be a memory of a rough patch, and perhaps you want to put that well and truly behind you. Honestly, I get it, no offense taken, but whether we have met before or you are new here, I am so excited to have this opportunity to share with you everything we have talked about today.

Speaker: Now, if you want to meet with me in person, I'd be honored to assist, so please check in on my website, agosling .ca, that's agosling .ca, and send me a message, and I'll let you know how to find me. With that being said, I think that's all the real talk I have for you in this episode, but before you go, I have one very important question for you. Are you ready to hit reset?

Speaker: If so, subscribe today, never miss an episode and let's build a life that aligns with your true goals and values. Hit that subscribe button, visit my website and follow me on social media for updates. I look forward to seeing you next time.