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00:00:01
Overcoming Offense: How to Stop Letting Offense Ruin Your Life
29 Plays6 days ago
In this episode, Dan Sanchez, Kyle Hess, and Jon Ballard dive into Ridley Barron’s recent sermon on the challenges of navigating offense. The discussion unpacks the inevitability of being offended and explores practical, biblically grounded strategies to handle offenses in a way that fosters reconciliation and strengthens relationships. From the dangers of filling in “gap theories” with negative assumptions to creating boundaries and game plans for difficult conversations, this episode offers listeners valuable insights for maintaining unity and Christ-like love in their relationships.
Timestamps:
00:01 – Introduction: Recap of Ridley’s sermon and the topic of offense.
01:00 – The inevitability of offense and how to respond biblically.
02:21 – The importance of assuming the best in others.
04:46 – Recognizing when you are offended and practical steps to address it.
07:33 – Dealing directly with offenses to avoid breeding sin.
11:52 – The “gap theory” and avoiding assumptions about others’ motives.
15:06 – Handling personal conflicts in love while maintaining truth and boundaries.
22:30 – Reconciling with others for the sake of unity in Christ.
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Transcript
Introduction and Ridley's Sermon Recap
00:00:01
Dan Sanchez
Welcome back to the Grove Hill Church podcast. I'm Dan Sanchez, and I'm here with Kyle and John. No Ridley this week, but we are talking about his sermon. So we might be taking some cheap shots. Who knows? It'd be funny if he listens back to this. No, all fun aside, um um no cheap shots here, but we are talking about a very serious topic.
00:00:19
Dan Sanchez
Well, I'm pulling out one section of a sermon. He talked about a lot of things in this week's sermon. I'm like, this is the first time I've talked about his sermon without him being here. So this is gonna be really interesting.
Living with Offense
00:00:28
Dan Sanchez
we're gonna talk about the section of a sermon when he talked about living in a fence, living in a fence. I remember hearing it on Sunday in my chair and being like, oh,
00:00:38
Dan Sanchez
This one gets us all at some point. And to open it up with the first question for y'all, one of the things Ridley talked about in the sermon, which I thought was really insightful, is that it's inevitable for people to be offended sometime in their life, shoot, sometime in the day, like it's probably going to happen. It's just going to pop up.
Scriptural Guidance on Offense
00:00:59
Dan Sanchez
What are some better ways, some good ways to handle offenses as they come rather than letting it affect our well-being, maybe take us out for the day, and a lot of other people with us?
00:01:13
Jon
Kyle, you want that?
00:01:14
Kyle
Uh, sure. so as far as it being inevitable, that's not like a guess or a question mark, uh, scripture tells us scripture tells us, know, consider it pure joy when you experienced trials of many kinds. in this world, you will have troubles take heart. I've overcome the world. And so scripture lets us know ahead of a time. If you didn't know.
00:01:37
Kyle
that you're going to be encountering offenses or trials. And typically those trials aren't just a personal thing. It's usually a relationship in our life. If you if you could look at all your trials in your life, typically involves somebody else, whether that's a spouse, a friend. And so the inevitable of experiencing these offenses, we're human beings. We all make mistakes. We're sinful.
00:01:58
Kyle
And so I am going to offend you, John, I'm going to offend you, Dan, and you guys are going to offend me at some point, whether intentionally, accidentally, um, or maybe even I assumed offense, but you didn't mean anything. And so that's what really was talking about with that, that gap, uh, theory. And so,
00:02:17
Kyle
really has said this numerous times, and I think it's a great approach to things, is always assume the best out of someone rather rather than assume the worst. And so if I'm always assuming the best of my wife, then I'm gonna start defending her in my head instead of attacking her in my head before I speak to her. So if she says something, then I'm gonna go, you know what, maybe she's having a bad day.
00:02:42
Kyle
Maybe the kids are getting on her nerves. Maybe, maybe this. Maybe she didn't understand what I said. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And defend her in my head before I get to the conversation with her so that I could say, hey babe, what happened? And then listen to what she says. And I could eliminate that idea that I'm offended by what she said just by giving her the benefit of the doubt. So I guess always assuming the best of people rather than assuming the worst.
00:03:07
Jon
I think, yeah, I think to spin off of that, many times when we think about these offenses and they are the inevitable because we go back to our nature from the beginning of time, we have a
00:03:07
Dan Sanchez
Johnny, take some of that.
Handling Offense with Strategy and Prayer
00:03:20
Jon
selfish nature.
00:03:21
Jon
So therefore therein lies the problem with selfish people around other selfish people. And even the most well-meaning people there are blips of our life that we look inwards more than we look outwards. And I think we have to have a game plan to combat that selfishness. Like Kyle said, we've got to look to the right source to have the game plan. You don't get to a place of yes or no of how you react to that offense.
00:03:52
Jon
And it come out well without you game planning. i The game planning through scripture, the game planning of being in prayer about how you respond to people. And there there will be easy times where, you know, Hey, I get along easy with this person, no problem. But as Kyle said, as we know how life is inevitable, somebody's going to offend you. So have a game plan, have clarity of thought of what you're going to do before you get there.
00:04:19
Jon
that you're going to pursue love, that you're you're going to pursue Christ-likeness. Because again, you wait till the moment, the emotions, the offenses are going to be the the things that are at your thought process, not the Word of God. And so, yeah, it's it's definitely good to have game plan.
00:04:38
Dan Sanchez
I remember her early on in my discipleship journey, a mentor of mine told me about this book called Adversity Quotient. It's not a Christian book, but it was just about how to deal with adversity. I almost think about this book a lot when it comes to being offended. and like We all know that like when you're on when you're offended, you tend to make poorer decisions. like if Things tend to not go better for you. No, they get worse for you.
00:05:01
Dan Sanchez
Right. And we've all experienced that like you get offended at your spouse and then all of a sudden you're just going on a rampage.
00:05:06
Jon
Yeah.
00:05:06
Dan Sanchez
Right. And whether whether your spouse mentored or not, like, like, it's always interesting to me is I'm like, it's not going to get me closer to my goals. You know, it's probably going to get me farther away from what I actually want.
00:05:19
Dan Sanchez
So one of the big takeaways I remember hearing my mentor talk about this and in that book was like, first, you have to be able to even recognize that you're offended, or in this case, ah ah experiencing adversity.
00:05:30
Dan Sanchez
In the book, they had a funny recommendation of like, if you see it, you need to come up with a trigger, like some kind of sound, it might be like, oh, there it is, like some kind of like trigger. I don't know. It was kind of a funny thing. I still think about it from time to time.
00:05:41
Dan Sanchez
But on ultimately, it's really being able to recognize, oh my gosh, I'm offended right now.
00:05:43
Kyle
Hmm. Hmm.
00:05:45
Dan Sanchez
Because if you don't recognize it, chances are, you're probably not gonna do anything about it. You're probably not going to counterbalance it with like, maybe I need to be a little slower in the way I talk or I need to like take it down.
00:05:56
Dan Sanchez
Right now I feel like I'm, because if you don't know, you're just gonna go at the what emotionally feels right, which is gonna be coming off not that great.
00:06:03
Kyle
Hmm.
00:06:03
Dan Sanchez
And being able to even recognize that you're offended is probably step one, and then dealing with it in in a way that's more appropriate or taking down the energy or taking a walk or something like that.
00:06:14
Kyle
Yeah.
00:06:14
Dan Sanchez
That's how I think about like handling the offense, because it's going to happen. And recognizing it and trying to deal with it appropriately is key. Shoot, I can even think about that. They happened today. I'm like, what happened? I actually did OK today. whoo But that's not always true.
00:06:31
Kyle
And if you if you don't deal with offense properly or don't deal with it all, it breeds sin in your own life.
Resolving Offenses through Communication
00:06:38
Kyle
And so if someone offends you, then it breeds anger in me if I don't deal with it. It brings it gossip in my life if I don't deal with it. my last place of work amongst my coworkers, gossip became like incredibly huge and I just shut it down. They would come to me and they'd say, hey, did you hear what, and I'd say, have you talked to that person directly?
00:06:58
Kyle
Oh, no, okay, then I don't wanna hear about this conversation. And so to be able to like, if someone offends me, I'm not gonna go to John and be like, hey, they offended me, blah, blah, blah, and try to get John on my side. I need to directly go to that person and say, hey, let's clear this up. Maybe I misunderstood you and just have a simple conversations. Nine times at 99.9% of the time, a simple calm conversation over coffee, overcomes any offense.
00:07:25
Kyle
And you could see that there was some truth, some misunderstanding, and then, hey, I love you, you love me, and we can get over it. And so I encourage that conversation first to deal with that offense. Otherwise, you're just going to be breeding sin in your own life and going down a dark hole for no reason when it could have been solved in a simple conversation.
00:07:45
Dan Sanchez
One of the things Ridley talked about you mentioned just briefly when you earlier in the conversation was he introduced this idea of gap theory and how it leads to misunderstandings. And essentially Ridley was talking about like this. We don't always have all the information. We don't always know all the motivations or all the reasons why people do what they do.
00:08:06
Dan Sanchez
We have some of it and we tend to form a theory on the gap of the missing piece. Somebody says X and we're offended by it and therefore we try to fill in the rest of it. We try to fill in Y and we fill in Z as to their motivations or the reasons why they're doing something and that's usually what gets us in trouble because we're telling a story ourselves and it's usually a worst case scenario, like worst intentions. um How do we be mindful to not get in that trap of telling ourselves stories that may be true, but are likely not true. It certainly isn't true in the mind of the other person.
00:08:40
Jon
I know maya my squirrel mindset, I'm going off in left field just a little bit, but you know those little mind games that they'll play, they'll give you a paragraph and they'll mess a word up, but your mind automatically, you'll just read through something even though they'll have it twisted, rearranged. That's the same thing with our emotions. There'll be some things that we will just try to fill in those blanks.
00:09:04
Jon
and We really have to retrain our thoughts into saying, hey, before I just assume, let me back up and you know take it slowly. So many times the the fast culture, the fast mindset of, hey, let's boom, boom, boom, get this done. Oh, this is what I think. And come to the conclusion quick is not always the best method. And I'm i'm at fault for that myself. I love to resolve things quickly and sometimes
00:09:35
Jon
In the midst of that quickness, we don't get full clarity on the situation, even with other people's thoughts or emotions. If we kind of slow things down, it's like replaying film. If you're ever in athletics, you replay stuff and you go over it once, twice, three times, and then you even get a perspective from their thought.
00:09:57
Jon
Uh, man, it makes the clarity on the situation so much brighter. And then you get a little bit better response from your own self. Most of the time, if you go through those slow motion processes of saying, okay, how were they trying to look at this situation? Let me put myself in their shoes more or less.
00:10:16
Kyle
John, I think you just gave some good marriage advice. It's a relationship advice in general, but marriage advice, because us as husbands, our wife will come with ah ah with a problem that she has and we're like, okay, let's, I can fix this in 30 seconds, right? let's Let's get this done. that's not necessarily what she's looking for. She's looking for someone to listen to her, hear out the whole problem, even if there's no solution to the problem, but just to stand in that,
00:10:42
Kyle
trouble together with her, right? Whatever she's going through just to to be there. And so not necessarily called to fix something right away, but just to hear someone. And I think that would help us with the gap theory is if we understood people and got to know people, because there's so many times I'll make judgments about people.
00:11:01
Kyle
And then I hear their testimony and I go, Oh,
00:11:04
Dan Sanchez
Yep.
00:11:05
Kyle
Wow. Right. And it kind of fills in these gaps that, that you're like, man, this is why they struggle with this. This is why they have a trust issues. This is why they're not reliable. Whatever it may be is because they've been abused or been through multiple divorce, whatever it may be, whatever it may be. And so to get to know people from the beginning and then when you go through an offense, that's why sitting down and talking with people is so important because you hear their heart and you hear the reason behind the decision. and then it changes completely the outcome of what you thought they meant.
Conflict Resolution Approaches
00:11:39
Dan Sanchez
funny you said something Kyle earlier that made me think of like one of my favorite books. I swear all Christians need to read this book because it's so good but it's not a Christian book. this This topic of like gap theory is addressed in literally chapter one of How to Win Friends and Influence People.
00:11:54
Jon
Yeah.
00:11:54
Dan Sanchez
It's like the first chapter. It's like how to how to confront somebody without making them mad.
00:11:59
Jon
Yeah.
00:11:59
Dan Sanchez
I can't remember the title of the chapter, but that's it. And he he gave a fantastic story of like, oh, like one time I was I was I was a plant supervisor and the guys know they need to wear their helmets, literally a rule.
00:12:10
Dan Sanchez
You need to be wearing helmets when you're on site. And of course, you could find some guys sitting there without their helmets on and they know it because it's been communicated over and over again. So there's two ways you can react. You could go down there and assume like, oh, they're just bean punks and go down there and be like, hey, like, why don't you have your hard hats on? You guys know you need to have your hard hats on. I'm going to write you up next time I see this. But what do you think is going to happen in their hearts? Oh, they're probably going to comply with it a bit. Freaking this stinking man. i'm good so Right?
00:12:37
Dan Sanchez
How often do we all do this when we get confronted this way, right? But if you assume the best, even if their intentions weren't that good and they kind of were being punks, let's be honest, sometimes they are. Still, you're probably going to get your goals if you come and assume the best.
00:12:50
Dan Sanchez
And he's like, what if you came down and was like, hey, man, how are you guys doing? Doing good? Dang. Man, these helmets are pain, right? Nobody likes how they feel, man. It kind of hurts after a while, man. I hate marrying mine all day, man.
00:13:00
Jon
Yeah.
00:13:00
Dan Sanchez
It hurts. But you know, we've all heard the reports that the guys have gotten dinged in the head and get put in the hospital. Shoot, we we know about Alex. like that That other plant got killed last year. And I'd hate to have any of that happen to you. I know you guys want to do your best, and you don't nobody wants that around here. But you guys know the code. We've got to wear these things. But i I'll be wearing mine with you. But man, we should probably do something about the the way they feel and stuff. They're assuming that they they want to do what's right. And they want it when you're being softer in your approach and understanding. Because everyone's going to be been on there like, yeah, I know.
00:13:29
Dan Sanchez
I know, you're probably gonna get better by compliance out of them because you're starting with the assumption that nobody wants to get hurt, nobody wants to get injured. They probably want the same general things that you want. There's a reason why. find if I confront somebody in that way, starting with that, then things generally go better. But the gap theory was good when you highlighted in the survey. So I'm like, man, how often do we put stories in our heads about this stuff? That seems like it happens every day. if you
00:13:56
Kyle
Dan, I saw a good example of that when I was working in the jail as a deputy. I'd see how different inmates were treated and then how they would respond to that. And so it came became very clear very early on in my career that if you treat someone like a dog, they're going to act like a dog. But if I treat someone like a human being and call them to a higher level,
00:14:17
Kyle
They may make mistakes and and disappoint, right? But we're going to disappoint each other anyways. But if you treat them up here and call them to that level, then it may pull them out of a situation that they're they're they've been stuck in for a while. And so that's why it's so important. like I think the proverbs that he said was to overlook an offense promotes love. That's exactly what it was. It's like, yeah, people are going to make mistakes. But if we if we just constantly give them the benefit of the doubt, it it may call them to a higher level.
00:14:46
Kyle
and to kind of assess what they're doing before they do it.
Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Truth
00:14:50
Dan Sanchez
in this last question we kind of get to the hard stuff because it's where the rubber meets the road because we've talked about like our offense internal we've talked about dealing with the kind of the offense externally and better preparing our minds for other people's stuff but in this last one i want to ask like when you're dealing with conflicts in personal relationships how can your arguments be grounded in love to ensure they strengthen rather to damage the relationship so i don't know about you guys sometimes you can go at it and try to make your point.
00:15:19
Dan Sanchez
And I feel like it's not wrong because ultimately you can't just be like a wallflower. You can't just like take it and take it and turn the cheek and turn the cheek and just be like, oh, well, assume the best, assume the best, assume the best and say nothing.
00:15:25
Jon
Yeah.
00:15:32
Dan Sanchez
Eventually you kind of have to have some hard conversations. You have to have some disagreements that work through it, but that's a hard. So how do you do so in a way that's loving that still essentially makes your case but doing so in a way that loves and respects others.
00:15:47
Jon
I think you you have to know who and what you're doing for. who Who is your focus when you walk into these conversations? and And really, I think that you do that by doing what Christ did. He filled in that gap theory by taking on flesh, living with us,
00:16:09
Jon
seeing the value of us in humanity, he created value in us. So whenever we walk into these relationships, we have to see value in others whenever we walk in and they have to see, okay, they give a crap about me. I think that's one of the biggest things sometimes that we think almost too much about the situation and circumstance and not the person that's involved in this circumstance.
00:16:38
Jon
Uh, so yeah, I think that's one of the things that we have to do. We have to ah work out of a place of love, but, and then that's couched in. Let's be honest. Let's couch that in the truth, lead it with love and then say, Hey, this is where.
00:16:54
Jon
the The facts are this is where I stand. I'm coming to you trying to resolve this, whatever it may be. And that's where you have to lie. It can't be something that consumes your life though. If you stay and dwell on that,
00:17:11
Jon
for such a long period of time and it takes your focus off Christ and that's probably a good telltale sign. Okay, you need to, you know, wipe the dust off your feet and move on. But yeah, as long as that's couched in love and then you're giving truth, I believe that's all you can do and showing value in that person by giving them love and truth.
00:17:33
Kyle
if you If you go deeper than just like a conversational aspect, because we're talking kind of like a fence with words and how we handle ourselves with conversations. But if you look at someone who's like offended you, say physically, right? So say you were maybe molested by someone.
00:17:49
Kyle
To overlook that offense, what are we talking about, right? Are we dismissing what they did? And so we have to structure it with boundaries. We have to structure it with righteousness. We have to structure it with truth. And so I'm not going to go back to that person and just fully trust them and submit myself to them and say, hey, I'm overlooking this offense, right?
00:18:09
Kyle
But you can forgive and set up healthy boundaries in hopes that that person comes back into the area of healthy, right? And so a wife who's being physically abused by her husband is not called to sit there and overlook that offense and let her husband continue to beat her. No, she's called this to put herself in a safe position, to seek help, to set boundaries.
00:18:33
Kyle
And if so chooses to reconcile because he corrects his behavior, then that'd be the case. And so you have to be very careful about how you're looking at these things and in what the offense actually is and then setting up proper boundaries to protect yourself at the same time. Like John said, we can't just cut off forever and we can't just not forgive people because then that's poisoning us and so and there needs to be forgiveness and proper channels of communication. But yeah, each situation is going to vary a little bit but always err on protecting yourself physically from those situations and setting up proper boundaries. so
00:19:10
Dan Sanchez
Man, I wasn't even thinking about that, because that's the big stuff, and it's really important.
Communication Challenges in Relationships
00:19:13
Dan Sanchez
I was thinking more of like the everyday things that happen, and I specifically what you think of like marriage, because it's where it happens a lot, because you're in constant communication, and working through things, and friction, and so many different things you're working through together.
00:19:25
Dan Sanchez
But I find it happens in our congregation, right?
00:19:26
Kyle
be honest
00:19:27
Dan Sanchez
I mean, with people between coordinating, volunteers, things going this way, oh, I had expectations for this, you had expectations for why, now we're going to mad at each other, because somebody didn't show up on time, things like that.
00:19:38
Kyle
Yeah, I'll be honest. On Sunday, I had probably 10 different notes on my notepad in relation directly to my marriage, directly to how to how I communicate with Kelly, places I've been falling short, offenses that I've held against her. Like if she's done something, and I'll hold it from day to day to day and it skews my the way I respond to her. And so my my notepad was filled with
00:20:03
Kyle
super beneficial points for me to apply to my marriage. And so I was very grateful. It was a topic of conversation in our household for the remainder of the day on Sunday. So it was good. It was really good.
00:20:15
Dan Sanchez
So any ah other additional thoughts on ways we can approach the conversations that need to be had that can strengthen the relationship rather than damage the relationship? One that comes to my mind is, and I try to practice this often if possible, is to think about what do I want to have happen? Like, as I go into the conversation, how do I want them to respond?
00:20:36
Dan Sanchez
right and how can I say things or my tone and my way I structured the way I like like enter into this this conversation what do I actually want Do I want to vent? And how often how it that is that going to get me what I want? like What do I actually want? Because then it changes how I approach the conversation. I don't know if people think about that a lot when they come into hard conversations. They come in a little bit more emotionally. Of of course, recognizing you're offended is it probably chief step number one. Because then you know, hey, I probably need to calm this down a little bit. But then thinking about what I want and how to get there is probably my my first step that I try to take.
00:21:11
Kyle
Unity and reconciliation, think are two major end goals. It doesn't have to be perfect harmony, best friends with the person, there needs to be a common goal that, hey, we're here on this earth to serve Christ. And if our dispute is getting in the way of that, then we need to sort that out. I said, you don't have to be arm and arm, shoulder and shoulder with them from you may have to redefine what the relationship looks like. But definitely reconciliation on the topic of maybe it's coming down to a point where you just agree to disagree. at least there's peace in between you. and Because like pastor said, at all depending on us live at peace with it. So we we have a responsibility to address those things that are causing that angst between us and another believer.
00:21:55
Kyle
especially if it's prohibiting people coming to Christ because of it, right?
00:22:01
Jon
think a good blueprint, too, in how we approach these offenses is, first of all, realizing, okay, is this person a believer or not? That's a huge that's a huge way of telling, hey, how do I approach this situation? Because we've mentioned it time and time again in different circles. but Some people that are outside of the body of Christ, they just don't get what it is to reconcile, to be back in unity, so to speak, in the in the sense of restoring or reconciling. So I think that's one of the first questions is ah ah a great precursor before you ever get to a conversation. And not that that changes the way that you show compassion or love,
00:22:48
Jon
But I think it can probably temper expectations of maybe what you can look to see as the end goal in the conversation. And I think as a believer, if you're talking with another believer, it should always be, is this giving glory? And I know that's sometimes a broad path and a broad look at it, but is this glorifying and edifying to the body of Christ? And is this giving worship?
00:23:15
Jon
to the God that I serve. And to your point, Dan, from the tone to the words that you say, am I going to vent? Am I going to do this? Like, am I going to listen more? Or do I feel like because if the offense has been made more so, you think on one side versus the other?
00:23:32
Jon
You have to ask yourself that, am I going to just be a listener here? Maybe there's things that I've offended somebody else and I just have to sit here and absorb. Uh, so I'd think, yes, game plan, game plan, game plan before you go into any of those conversations. Because if you don't have clarity, you're going to go in there and sometimes get a little dicey. Uh, so yeah, game plan and go through it through, you know, soak it in prayer.
00:24:00
Dan Sanchez
Fantastic, gentlemen. Hopefully this has helped a number of individuals navigate offense in themselves, the stories they tell themselves about others, and actually make some gains in overcoming the the the conversations that we all need to have. Because I find a lot of our, a lot of the things we want, the big things we want in life are just like, it's one hard conversation, right?
00:24:20
Dan Sanchez
We're all holding back from that one card conversation, so we need to approach it with gentleness and kindness in order to find that reconciliation like you talked about, Kyle. So thank you for joining me in this conversation this week. Hopefully it's been a blessing to you for those listening, and I'll see you next week.
00:24:31
Jon
Okay. Okay.