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Bibles in Hotel Drawers? (Catan - Part 2)
319 Plays18 days ago
Hmmm, there's some things in this episode that are giving Phil and I pause. See if you can spot it! Or you know, we tell you.
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Transcript
Humorous Banter and Mayonnaise Jokes
00:00:00
Speaker
I don't think there's a lot You know what? Yeah, that it that's it was it was unfair of us to say that he's mayonnaise. I feel bad because it's unfair to mayonnaise. I feel bad for mayonnaise. I love a only. What's what's that? just a Yeah, it's just a fancy mayonnaise. It's just mayonnaise with a master's degree.
00:00:16
Speaker
It's just let's that's all it is. Oh, gosh. You know who else is mayonnaise with a master's degree? Who's that?
00:00:28
Speaker
Hey there everybody, welcome back to Pixel, and my name is Kevin with me as always is Phil on today's show. We're talking about Catan! Exclamation point optional. ah Part two.
00:00:39
Speaker
Part two. By Mr. Klaus Teuber. and It's Klaus, I think I wrote Carl somewhere, but it's actually Klaus. Yeah, it's Klaus. Yeah.
00:00:51
Speaker
As in Santa. As in Santa. You know, it blew my mind taking German in high school or junior high.
00:01:01
Speaker
and they And our German teacher was like, oh yeah, in German, Santa Claus's name is Zant Niklaus. And
Santa Claus's German Origins and Christmas Traditions
00:01:10
Speaker
i was like... Oh! yeah yeah That's how we get Santa Claus. love that show. You just ripped the nick off of the one word put it on the other.
00:01:24
Speaker
you nick ripped. Zant Niklaus. And it's like, uh... yeah All right, there it is. Yeah. It's all coming together now. think they also call him some variation on like Kris Kringle.
00:01:37
Speaker
Kris Kringle. Yeah, they they that's where we get that term too. I think it's the Germans anyway. Germans love themselves some Christmas. we I mean, a lot of I feel like a lot of modern-day Christmas stuff is just lifted from the german lifted and twisted.
00:01:52
Speaker
Very much so. From the German traditions, you know, with the tree and and the and they putting your shoes out for for treats. yes and Yep, yep.
00:02:03
Speaker
The Yule Log and all that stuff. Not that any a lot of people do the Yule Log anymore, but that's ah that's an old pagan thing. ah ah What's it? The anti-Santa? Oh, Krampus.
00:02:14
Speaker
The Krampus. You have Krampus knocked. Yeah, yeah. yeah he He will throw you in a bag and beat you with reeds if you have been bad. love people. I love these people.
00:02:26
Speaker
yeah yeah When I misbehaved, I was thrown in a burlap sack and beaten with wreaths. Yeah. Really common childhood.
00:02:37
Speaker
i love it. Weird summer in Rangoon. Luge lessons. Luge lessons. i I was just talking to Emily about Austin Powers. She has never seen any of those movies.
00:02:51
Speaker
Wow. Yeah. and and And I haven't seen any of them in no exaggeration, maybe 20 years. It's been a very long time. And i and i'm I'm sure that the second and third
Pop Culture Chat: Austin Powers and Patreon Perks
00:03:05
Speaker
one don't. But there's a part of me, maybe it's an optimistic part, that thinks that maybe the first one might hold up um So keep telling myself eventually she and I are going to sit down and watch the first one just to just to see how it does. ah i i'll I'll report in. I'll let you know.
00:03:25
Speaker
Yeah. ah I mean, yeah I think it would be good. I think it would be good to because feeling. Yeah. It's got that great line where ah you can go to patreon.com slash pixel at pop. And from there, you could you could give us money ah or not. You can just follow us. But we will tell you ah who invented the question mark.
00:03:55
Speaker
Yes. so so We will not keep that shit to ourselves. We will it to ourselves. yeah ah he would He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. Being lazy. I used to, in my in my college dorm room, I had a poster of Dr. Evil with that full speech but written out on it. I thought that was the funniest shit.
00:04:21
Speaker
That and a Homestar Runner poster. Oh my God. Yeah. Tones! Tones! Okay, Patreon. Patreon, gets you in the door and read it lets you read Phil's blog posts in which he tells you what books to read ah by way of a five-star rating.
00:04:46
Speaker
So go ahead and check it out. Most of the books that you've posted are are pretty good. There are a lot of threes and fours, which are passable. And I will and i know i i always emphasize that. I'm like, 3 is still good. it's yeah you know People in this day and age, especially with video game reviews and stuff, on a 5-star scale, 3 is still fine. it's still it's yeah For me, it's literally 2.5 out of 5 stars is neutral. I have no feeling for it whatsoever.
00:05:17
Speaker
But yeah. What's the worst one on there that you think?
00:05:22
Speaker
Uh, it might have been, hold on. I'm going to look this up because was terrible. While you look that up, I'm going to read off the $10 tier in the voice of Strong Bad. And you are hiding. Song 85, Jesus Loves You, Worthless Butter, Middle of Things, Sigma Sal, Sanguine Flatulence, Shia Lode, Chat Beaks Dummy Thick, and Friendly Friend.
00:05:49
Speaker
Thank you, strongman. Oh, man. Oh, man. Go to patreon.com slash pixelippod. Do it today. If I posted it there, ah the first thing that comes to mind would be theme music by T. Marie Vandele.
00:06:07
Speaker
ah It was a horror flick, a horror flick, horror book that was making the rounds on BookTok before BookTok was really that prominent of a thing. um And I read it around the- Before BookTok was book-talking. exactly. And I read it around the time I was getting, i was trying very hard to, i was was trying to make my writing relevant. So I was trying to read as much ah current horror stuff as I could. And that was one of my very rare did not finishes.
00:06:37
Speaker
i I got about two thirds of the way through it and I was just, I hated it much. much. It was, it it it it flipped back and forth like a fish with a toothpick in its eye.
00:06:50
Speaker
ah it was It was not good. It was badly written. the plot made no sense. And you'd like, you'd have descriptions of the most horrifying things imaginable. And then the narrator would go into like, I have a crush on every boy mode. And I was like, what the fuck am I reading?
00:07:06
Speaker
Like, I drove me crazy. um If that's on there, that's probably the lowest. That's probably the lowest. Good to know. ah Good to know.
Homestar Runner Nostalgia and Its Influence
00:07:15
Speaker
ding you square Anyway, before we just turn into Homestar Runner quotes, ah let's just put the body in the marsh.
00:07:27
Speaker
Oh, let's do. Let's do. Police have confirmed that the body of the man found dead in the Fenway Marshes yesterday afternoon is that of Timothy Delahunt, an undercover policeman for the city of Boston. this was the see Okay, ah chapter six is where we left off. If you recall correctly, we just took down a whale. Thorolf, our protagonist, our horny, horny protagonist, helped to basically... sure is. a truth And that's saying something. Everyone else is, too. Thorolf took down the... i said Horolf.
00:08:03
Speaker
Horolf. Horolf. ah Took down the whale and and ah paid for it ah by getting hypothermia, basically. and He's not doing so good. He got dunked.
00:08:15
Speaker
Got dunked. Got dunked in Scandinavia in 860 AD. Not a great time for that.
00:08:22
Speaker
Listen, I got to tell you, we got no cars, so there's none of that global warming happening. Yeah, yeah. This is this is pristine cold-ass water. and also And also, we got no cars, so when we get you to shore, we can't like race you to the nearest hospital, cuz...
00:08:41
Speaker
no cars no hospitals yeah uh we got witches we got witches we got witches which are pretty great to a certain extent uh as we discussed last episode yeah uh they they have figured some shit out just by luck yes at this point Yes, and they explain it to us in a, like, nudge-nudge-wink-wink kind of way. It's like, eh? And there's actually more of that in this. It keeps happening. So Yngwie brings in Thorulf, and speaking of which, Asla and a maid ah start warming him with their bodies. They strip down to their underpants, and... and and
00:09:22
Speaker
Warm him up on either side coming very close to creating the first Catan slash fiction. um I say that here because I didn't know what was coming next.
00:09:36
Speaker
Sure. ah you were You didn't know where this was going to go. This is this is yes, exactly. um This is the moment, of course, where Asla forgives Thor all for killing her brother, ah because like that's the moment in every drama
Dramatic Forgiveness and Quick Problem-Solving
00:09:52
Speaker
when it happens. And let's be honest, it feels like it's been a year since that happened. It it does. it's been like It's been like a month or two, but it feels like a long goddamn time. ah It's been a season.
00:10:04
Speaker
and ah and And so she forgives him because he's on death's door. And it's been a minute. So the shock of her brother being dead is worn off. So fuck it, you know, and she's still going to have his baby, obviously.
00:10:15
Speaker
um So eventually he wakes up. Half Dan, who is a farmer there who's living in ah ah Digger's ah home. He lost his home because of Asla and all the the burn a nation that happened last episode. um he He tries to stir. Yeah, we're not going to get away from it, guys. We're not going to. It's always there. it's It's just like Jesus Christ. Homestar Runner is always here.
00:10:42
Speaker
He's always here. Always here somewhere. he He binds us. He surrounds us. Yes, herus he is us. ah He is us. He is. We are him. We are him.
00:10:53
Speaker
um So he tries to start some shit about Thorolf claiming ah that because Thorolf was the hunter who killed it, that he's not going to share because that's like his right. If you kill, if you kill the whale out at sea, uh uh it's it's the hunters all of it and he gets to take all of it but if you kill it in the fjord uh it's it's like it's like half of it is is distributed among the villagers and they're worried that they're gonna have a famine so he's basically trying to say like well were he's not gonna feed us fuck that guy uh yeah he's got he's got an axe to grind uh here um and and and thorolf ends that uh pretty quick yeah He comes in, he goes, and it's like, it's heavily implied that he did kill the whale out at sea, that he does technically have no ah reason to give any of this food to all the other But he's like, nah, it was clearly in the fjord. Everybody got some. Yeah, it's like, I don't know what you guys are talking about. It was definitely the fjord. And so good guy Thorolf takes care of the problem. Too sweet. This is going to happen a lot. We are going to be presented with a problem that gets solved within a page or two. ah that's that's it's Which is shocking considering how big this book is.
00:12:10
Speaker
um There's so many problems that get, the I mean, this book is just a parade of problems. It is. It's this book, and we're going to get into it, obviously, but this book ah almost resembles more a a log book.
00:12:26
Speaker
of uh it's like a very in-depth log this happened and then this happened and then this happened it's better written than that it is not a badly written book far from it no uh but we do get a lot of kind of like the whale scene like i liked the whale chapter uh but that's because i'm into that kind of shit and i can see where a lot of people would get to that point and go what the fuck does this have to do with anything yeah we're gonna have another chapter like that Yeah, we are. all boy. ah Can't help but think we're going to get a couple more after that, too. ah
00:12:58
Speaker
So ah Thorolf proposes that basically everybody there who has lost their home, ah ah that they could all join him as the crew and settlers of Catan.
00:13:12
Speaker
uh that uh they could all join him they could what do you got to lose uh all i ask is that you swear absolutely yeah yeah yeah exactly that's that's where we're at we're like a quarter of the way through this book and we've hit the title card um so he he says he says you guys just gotta swear absolute loyalty to me for a year so that we can we can get this shit like underway and then after that you're all free you can do whatever the hell you want Um, so if if this is, this we we get a lot of this where Thorolf and his brothers, uh, to a certain extent represent like the kinder, gentler teddy bear Vikings. Um, but there's still Vikings and you'll see it in that shit where it's like, he's like, okay, look, you're, ah you are my slave, but only for a year. And i yeah and I'm going to let you and you and And you totally believe him So it's odd um Asla teaches Thor off to brush his teeth Heartwarming moment Heartwarming moment with a stick ah and because Because she almost married a guy ah who Who had like rotten teeth so she's yeah And he's like okay This sounds fine And then ah she sets a bath for them
00:14:27
Speaker
And they're going to like just heat up and cuddle up in the bath. And they start it starts getting hot and heavy. And he comes too soon ah into the bath water. And I'm uncomfortable.
00:14:39
Speaker
um This is... i believe that this is the first ever... fully sexually explicit scene that pixel it has ever covered it is it is explicit it is it is yeah it's not heat it's not dirty per se like it's not dirty it's like it's it's not like but it but it's not wink and a nod it's like his his he his fully erect penis
00:15:10
Speaker
It's came too much, came too hard. It literally uses the word ejaculated. like it's it's And then he ejaculated into the bathwater. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. yeah And then she's like, don't worry. Yeah. You're going to do more of that. Right. Right. And I was telling my wife about this scene and she asked the most obvious question that somehow slipped past me.
00:15:35
Speaker
She said, okay, so they stayed in the water. Did they clean it out? Did they like... I went... Oh my God, I don't think they did. they don't They certainly didn't mention it. And so now suddenly now in my mind, I'm thinking of them in like this cauldron of hot water with a little aquarium fishnet, like kind of kind of like, you know, going to get the splooge out with this little square green netted handled thing and just kind of like flicking it across the room. And and you're mostly fine. Because she's like she's like, look, she goes, don't worry. we got We're going to be in here. a long time and it's like oh so we're making a really really gross tea is what you're saying we're making a tea as he just clapped and then there was one of the the servants just came in with like a pool skimmer right yeah right like it's never mentioned but
00:16:30
Speaker
Come on. Like, so well, don't. But, you know, it's like, hey, hey get the kids out of the room. hey oh hey we ah It's bad. And I guess they're married now. They have.
00:16:44
Speaker
They they do they they they declare each mike like much like Michael Scott in the office declared bankruptcy. Yeah. They declare each other married to each other.
00:16:55
Speaker
Yeah. It was a simpler time, Kevin. It was a simpler time. And he's like, well, how like how how does this work? And she's like, yeah, sure. My family disowned me, so I don't have anybody else I need to tell. And I was like, well, there you go. that There you go.
00:17:12
Speaker
ah OK, ah so they're married and. If coming in a bath too soon was how you got married, I would have been married several times a long time ago.
00:17:28
Speaker
ah Yeah. ah there There are too many people ah for this and too few boats. uh for the expedition that they're planning but don't worry that that problem gets solved almost immediately a bolt builder says i'll make more uh it gets solved so fast that you're like why did we bring it up at all then right um yeah he's like i'll give you uh 20 barrels of whale blubber yeah if you make them make us for your boat there is a full accounting of what that yeah whale is going to yield by the way
00:17:59
Speaker
Yes, we get that. and And it's not the first time for this section where we get in-depth information on trading and what they're trading for what. And it's dull. It's really dull. It's like, this is the gameplay.
00:18:15
Speaker
Right. Right. It would have been better if they had a chart where they can like, okay, we're doing that over trading over here. like That's fine. ah But we get a few pages of the play-by-play on that and it's really dull um so they figured that out we learn a little bit ah about yngwie uh and his uh his slave uh gregor who is a um a christian who uh a monk they assume a monk who uh they they you know when ah when They went a Viking and they took him as a slave and and he had took a liking to him. He's basically a father figure for him. And he's taught Yngwie Latin ah through reading the Bible, ah which Yngwie sees as a storybook. He refers to it several times as a storybook. And so it's a little innocuous. But this is where, as Kevin texted me earlier today and correctly pointed out, I think,
00:19:11
Speaker
it's It's worrying because you start to wonder if this is going to be a stealth Christian conversion book. Yeah, because like this is just the beginning of it. yeah There's going to be some more like ah keeping Christ in my heart heart moments yeah later in this episode that yeah was like, what?
00:19:33
Speaker
No. What? Yeah. It gets a little much. was like, please stop. Here's the thing. It's not overt, but it is enough that it would make you go, wait a goddamn minute. It leaves one unsettled. Wait a minute. And then you go to the translator they're like, Kirk Cameron. Ah! Ah!
00:20:02
Speaker
Uh, so half Dan, uh, the, the, the guy the chip on the shoulder, he gets drunk, uh, beats the shit out of his white, maybe kills his baby. ah they kind of very casually. He, cause the baby won't stop screaming. He's drunk as shit. And he like shakes the shit out of the baby and then just drops it somewhere. Uh, and, and, and they mentioned that it's quiet then. So dead baby ah distinctly possible.
Character Development and Historical Anachronism
00:20:31
Speaker
ah He he ah he leaves. He runs into Asla who he tries to rape and she stabs him ah in the neck. ah Insert good for her gift here.
00:20:43
Speaker
Good for her. Not before, though, ah he he slices ah ah half her face. Yes. Face off. No, but it's a nasty. It's going to be an it's not going to be a great scar. Yeah. they They describe as like from eye to ear or something like that. It's like, yeah, it's it's ah a pretty I mean, I'm sure I think it would probably look.
00:21:10
Speaker
pretty awesome but think so too uh but don't worry what was that what was that german uh thing where like german officers would wear a mask it was the prussian officer well they would i don't know if we're talking about the same thing but honor duels prussian officers and prussian nobility in general it was considered attractive to have a facial scar from fighting so they would fight each other with swords uh and purposefully like i guess purposely do a bad job uh so that they could get bitchin uh face scar yeah and but they would wear specific mask that like basically blocks like like so you couldn't get to their eyes you couldn't know that there is so like keep the cheeks open so that you get like a scar across the cheeks or or whatever Oh, I didn't know that. That's hilarious. Okay, so that's just... It's silly, but at the same time, you're like, I mean, that's a little badass. That's a little metal. But then when you add in the mask, you're like, okay, guys. Just take all of the danger out of the equation. Schlager mask. Schlager mask.
00:22:23
Speaker
Okay, I want to see this. Schlager mask.
00:22:30
Speaker
That's not it. Oh, that's a masquerade mask. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's not real, is it? Oh, wow. Hello. We got a munchkin here. Hey!
00:22:41
Speaker
Good timing.
00:22:45
Speaker
What's up? I'm just saying hi. I'm just saying hi. You poking me? Poking me.
00:22:55
Speaker
I'm using the watercolors. The what? I'm testing that. The watercolors? Yeah. Cool. yeah Yeah. Good job.
00:23:05
Speaker
Did you tell him that I won an award? Oh, Cam won an award. Ooh. An art contest. What? Really? Yeah.
00:23:16
Speaker
That's too cool. What was it what was it what was the ah piece in question? What was the piece in question, he asked? Oh, it was a shark. It's called it's actually it's a real shark. It's called a thresher shark.
00:23:28
Speaker
Ah, I love a thresher. With a real long kind of sword tail. They're badass. yeah yeah Yeah.
00:23:41
Speaker
Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, sweetie. Thresher Sharks are badass. That's cool. oh Yeah. Okay. So. What was it?
00:23:52
Speaker
Honor Duel Mask. Oh, yeah. That's the.
00:23:57
Speaker
That's. Yeah. ah Admittedly pretty metal. Did you see it? Did you find one? Yeah. Yeah. It basically just covers the eyes and nose and then lets you get like scarred up everywhere else. I did not know about that. That's cool shit. um Okay. So, all right. Scars. Anyway. ah So three weeks later, Asla. And yeah, it's and by the way, if you're concerned about this scar situation, this is going to complicate matters. It's going to create a level of self-consciousness here that might follow her, which might be important considering ah the already precarious,
00:24:36
Speaker
uh a balance of her marriage uh which has only just started to just happen itself uh don't worry about it she is not self-conscious she tells him uh she tells thoralf she's uh uh learned to accept it uh and thoralf says she's still my favorite moment though my favorite moment was when she turns to him and goes does it look bad and he's like yes yeah Yeah, he tasa it does. it admit He does. He goes, I mean, it does, but you're still hot. So, yes, you're still beautiful. Yeah. Just like and he's just like holds up his hand ah to cover up that side of the face. Come on, Thor. I'll just I'll just put a little piece of brown paper bag over that part of your face and it'll be fine.
00:25:20
Speaker
ah But then later, the later is when he's like, no, you're still the you're still the hottest woman in the world. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, she's like, yeah, that's great. No, but I've just it doesn't really matter because I'm just accepting it.
00:25:32
Speaker
Yeah. And I was like, I don't know how to deal with that statement. That's it's like, oh, that's something that some people take years of their life but through weeks. OK, fine, fine. We're happy for you is what we're saying. Absolutely happy. for And then he calls her a witch for time traveling to when therapy exists. Yes, of course. Of course. Which which understandable. Uh, they get everything, they're getting everything set up, uh, for the expedition. Uh, they start tying up loose ends, including, ah Digger, uh, with one of his maids who is pregnant with his baby, by the way.
00:26:09
Speaker
ah and she's kind of fantasizing that eventually, uh, he'll take her on as a wife, you know, which is, which is, not a thing for these guys like they they do not give a shit if you're pregnant with their kid they're in fact later digger will be like dude i've got a bunch of bastards out there i don't know them i don't i don't care uh it's just there uh and and we end part two with everybody loading out to see um we start part three early summer 860
00:26:44
Speaker
uh chapter seven we end up in uh hedeby uh which is a trading port uh it was a major trading port in the ancient world uh it's where it's now it's it's basically north germany uh for all intents purposes uh we meet a street thief named carla who has uh she's got to find somebody to scam or steal from or she can't go home basically she's adopted by a really cruel a woman uh who is going to demand just basically make her life a living hell if she doesn't bring home some cash or something like that um so fortunately she picks yngwie uh as a mark uh and witnesses him getting bonked on the head and kidnapped black bags they black bag him uh he's pissing against the side of a tavern and they they hit him over the head and
00:27:31
Speaker
put his put bag over his head and take him away uh the other brothers find out that he's being ransomed uh uh they're they deliver their terms like you know leave this much money with this boy at this time and and you know no funny stuff uh right can give us the money lebowski uh no funny stuff uh because it's germany uh Don't worry, Donnie. These guys are nihilists.
00:28:01
Speaker
Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing be afraid of. So ah Carla tells the brothers that she'll help, ah but they have to agree to bring her along when they leave. She's been trying to get the fuck out of there. ah She's a thief, a very talented thief, and she's a linguist. She speaks a bunch of languages. So they're like, ah yeah, you're valuable. And it's the most final fantasy style Carla, join the party. and a Yeah. Like moment.
00:28:28
Speaker
uh this is how you meet your thief in most dnd games like right it's it's as simple as this um if you're thinking we're about to get like a really elaborate like uh adventure of sneaking yngwie out don't worry about it this ain't this ain't a whale uh so we're not gonna we're not gonna spend too much time on it right um uh they rescue yngwie and and kill uh the kidnappers uh carla proves herself she's a classic thief character she's hiding reappearing eating everything in sight she's like a thief in an anime uh she's just hungry and and kind of cute um asla and hilda take her under their wing and and take her off to to they're like look we're gonna feed you but we are literally gonna take you out and scrub the fleas off of you first Yeah, we're we're going to have a little makeover yeah ah glow up you know scene. We're going to have an Ally Sheedy moment for her.
00:29:25
Speaker
Yeah. Where it's meant to be a glow up and she's meant to be hot, but she actually looks worse. ah Yes. ah Fucking Breakfast Club. You did Ally Sheedy. Fucking Breakfast Club. So dirt dirty. Oh my God. It's more like, um what's it? Uh...
00:29:42
Speaker
ah ah there she goes um they take the glasses off of her basically are you talking about oh oh god damn it not can't hardly wait uh she's all that she's all that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there she goes it's the song that that's that's coming down the stairs that one i i bet it was but that one was not in my wheelhouse that one i didn't see that one very often uh i did watch it a few years back though and and it really is that's one of those time capsule movies that is some crazy oh it's kiss me kiss me yes yes that is what it is i do remember that i remember that uh
00:30:25
Speaker
um yngwie's gonna be fine speaking of time traveling witches they know he has a concussion basically uh he got hit in the head real hard and and asla knows to say like did he throw up and they're like yeah threw up a couple of times and they're like okay we're gonna have to like she's like all right keep him awake get make some coffee awake that ah coffee make some coffee yeah ah Chapter 8, ladies and gentlemen, you wanted it.
00:30:51
Speaker
You asked for it. You waited for it patiently. Finally, we are here. The slave market. Air horn, air horn, air horn, air horn.
00:31:05
Speaker
Jesus Christ. ah Kiss me. Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:12
Speaker
Play that song. Play Sixpence None the Richer while he's checking out the teeth of ah of a yeah of a potential slave. ah that would That's up who it's bleak. ah I think his name's Eagle. It's E-G-I-L. He is the merchant that they have followed ah here, and he's a slaver. So he is in the slave markets. It takes Carlo with him to buy some folks. um He is indeed actually in one of the expansions of the game.
00:31:43
Speaker
Uh, he, uh, he is the villain in one of the expansions and we're actually going to see the protagonist, uh, not too long from here. Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, he's like, basically you're, I don't, I, I forget what it's, which expansion it is, but you basically take on the role of this, this Irish King who has been enslaved somehow. And, uh, and you're trying to fight back this against this slavery. eagle so okay so there because i was like was like that's a real specific backstory for that one slave yeah like who is we'll get to him but he's we'll get to him he's like i'm the son i'm the son of an irish king and i was like interesting interesting yeah it's it's it's very specific and it it is it it is uh uh from the game uh so you can't accuse them of not working some of the game in here
00:32:35
Speaker
Uh, so Yngwie wakes up. Uh, he seems to, he kind of takes a shine to Carla. Uh, I incorrectly assume he's got a crush on her, but it's just because everybody treats people of the opposite sex the same in this. Everyone talks to all the men talk to women the same way. And so it's like, yeah,
00:32:55
Speaker
My wife pointed out once that that one of the most ridiculous things about movies where there are siblings in the movies is is is even mediocre, not even bad scripts, but just mediocre scripts that have a brother and sister.
00:33:07
Speaker
They are trying to show them as being close. And nine times out of ten, it looks like they're trying to fuck each other. um And this is kind of what we get here. We're going to find out that that Yngwie is they're literally going to he's going to take her on as a little sister.
00:33:22
Speaker
Uh, and, and, and it's, it's cute. It's sweet. Uh, but based on everything else we've seen, his reaction to her when he wakes up, she saved his life. And, and, uh, it's kind of the exact same way that he's about to react to another woman. Uh, uh, uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's the Folgers commercial.
00:33:41
Speaker
Yes, it sure is. It sure is. Uh, ah wow you're all grown up oh god that thing does not it doesn't get better uh with with repeated viewings i i i absolutely want to crawl out of my skin every time i see that thing yeah uh Okay, yeah, meanwhile, ah Eagle buys some more people, including some Irish, ah including our Irish king gentlemen. And if I hear one fucking word from, I know our fans are cool, but yeah if if you're just a rando who happened in here, if I hear one fucking word from you assholes about how the Irish were slaves ah to, and and therefore it's identical to ah American chattel slavery, I will ban you from the show. I will ban you from everything.
00:34:34
Speaker
i don't He will do it. I don't want you i don't want you i don't i don't even want you on the same server as as our fans. ah ye Anyway, yeah i' I am going to say that we we deal with slavery a lot in this. um it is yeah it is I think it's done well for...
00:34:53
Speaker
The way that's because, as I pointed out, chattel slavery that the Americans ah that we ah perpetrated ah through the triangle trade is very different from ah the different kinds of slavery. People bring up a lot of the ancient Romans, the Vikings. um And it's not good, ah but it is but it doesn't reach the depravity and the and the the sheer cruelty right of chattel slavery. In this, we they they they do buy people, they do enslave people. Not great, ah but it's very... No, I don't But they but they they do treat them like human beings most of the time. Most of the time.
00:35:35
Speaker
but the vikings weren't great though the vikings were not great people when it comes to this kind of great people no uh you heard it from me folks the vikings what he's not great people not great people not great not great uh sorry that was a little rant i had to go off I know i know our our listeners are badass, and I know I don't have to, but you know you never know what kind of, there's oh everyone's got a random.
00:36:02
Speaker
everybody's get There's always going to be a random that's like, actually, you're going to like, shut the fuck up. Shut fuck up. Get out. Get out. Phil will become ah his his namesake, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
00:36:14
Speaker
That's right. Phil was named after Philip Seymour Hoffman. It was hard because he wasn't a popular guy at the time. It was... He wasn't a popular guy at the time, and he was probably only like 10 when Phil was born. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, he was he was not he was not a famous actor. So it was a weird decision, but it worked out. He was a child. Yes. And ah Phil will become him and specifically his character from Punch Drunk Love. Yeah.
00:36:42
Speaker
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut Shut up. I will go there.
00:36:52
Speaker
um Just a great scene. Yeah. R.I.P. haven't seen that movie in so long. R.I.P. for Seymour Hoffman. What a talent. What a beautiful person. What talent. Going too soon. So... ah Yngwie's checking out the slaves and he finds a woman that Eagles bought and he thinks she's gorgeous. He thinks she's special. We don't know why. He does mention several times. Well, this one's special. We don't andt really know why. um Yeah. To be fair, ah the...
00:37:23
Speaker
ah the the prerequisites for falling in love in the ancient world were let's say a little lax compared to how we do them these days yeah so so maybe it really was special to him no hinge here but what's no uh but what what's no farmer's date here no not not there is but farmers only A lot more innards than you'd expect. ah Yeah. It's it's bad.
00:37:50
Speaker
So anyway, buys this woman from Eagle. Her name's Frida. He's got the hots for she's from Bremen. ah They call it Brema. But that was I believe they're talking about Bremen.
00:38:02
Speaker
ah Yeah, that was an early name for which is another German town. Yeah, yeah. Famous for ah the Bremen musicians. ah And he doesn't speak German.
00:38:14
Speaker
ah Fortunately, Carla does. So ah nice guy Yngwie lets her know through Carla ah that he will not rape her.
00:38:25
Speaker
He will not touch her unless she wants to be touched. um And she's like, I would rather carve your eyeballs out with a knife. Yes, correctly. and like and and And her instincts are good. Yngwie is a nice guy, but her instincts are good. um So at the very end of this, we find out ah that they both speak Latin. It's kind of the scene from Tombstone. Like one of them throws like in vino veritas. Yeah. you know That's Latin, darling. What do you think? That's Johnny Ringo. Apparently he's an educated man.
00:39:00
Speaker
i definitely hate him. It's basically that scene. I'll be a Huckleberry. Yeah. they They connect a little tiny bit on the fact that they both speak Latin.
00:39:11
Speaker
was looking around to see if I had a mug in my office, and I don't right now, and i was just going to start spinning it the way... Oh, yeah. Yeah. like i I recently bought a espresso mug for work because they have an espresso machine. So I got the little, little mug and it's so cute and it's got Virginia stuff on it and I love it. I was having a bad day when I found it and I'm um i'm embarrassed at how much it cheered me up.
00:39:40
Speaker
ah this This adorable little mug with like cardinals and and shit like that on it. I was like, love this. So i I, and today i was walking to the espresso machine and I found myself kind of spinning it the same way.
00:39:57
Speaker
it's it's The effect is not the same. ah No, but, you know, I appreciate it not the same. Yeah, yeah. ah So the ship heads out. Yngwie and Frida start to get friendly. We have a few friendly moments between them. ah But before it can go too far, she literally leaves him a letter written in Latin in her own blood ah and throws herself into the sea.
00:40:24
Speaker
ah It is the most metal shit. yeah ah It's a wrap on Frida and baby. Frida. God damn, baby. That was amazing. hardly knew you, but you had the right idea. MVP. What a great character. MVP Frida. She's like, you know, she's like, in ah in another world, ah maybe I would have liked like you, Inve.
00:40:47
Speaker
But here's the thing is your people killed my husband and my children and raped me repeatedly. i don't think I'm going to get over that. So I'm just going to picture wrap right here.
00:40:59
Speaker
Peace out. And you know what? I'm not encouraging that kind of behavior, but respect. Respect. Nothing but respect for Frida. We hardly knew ye.
00:41:10
Speaker
Yeah. ah Chapter nine. Don't cry for me, Yngwie. Right. She said. And he will. Oh, boy. He will. um ah They stop in Coronium, which is a city in Galatia, northwestern Spain, basically. um a ah They meet a drunken Northman there.
00:41:29
Speaker
ah who's a winemaker of all things. i thought we i I thought we were setting it up for him to join us in the same way Carla did. It's like, hey, we've got a a thief. We've got a winemaker. you know We've got a jock and a and a and a freak and a nerd. like it's it's It's the whole character class thing.
00:41:45
Speaker
um But that's not to be done. Don't you. Forget about me. Yeah. God damn it. I'm going to have to watch that movie again, aren't I? ah It brings up a lot of weird feelings. ah It's that you want to talk about movies that are product of their time. Breakfast Club is it. Yeah. Yeah.
00:42:06
Speaker
you know but people especially kids nowadays they kids jesus christ i said that in all sincerity children nowadays the children uh they do parodies of you know 80s clothing and stuff like that and i always like to point out the breakfast club was like that's what we actually dressed like like it's definitely dated uh but it isn't it isn't like day glow shit although that existed don't get me wrong but that was not that was not Most yeah people most ah like if you look at that preka the the clothes and breakfast club, you're like, oh, yeah, somebody could wear just about anybody could wear those now.
00:42:42
Speaker
Right. And not be noticed as being dressed dressed in an 80s style. You know what I mean? Right. But that is but that is how people dress a lot of, like you know, denim jackets, shit like that.
00:42:54
Speaker
um Okay, so they stop in this town. This this drunken Northman, they drunk with him. When you walk on by. Yeah, carry on. Just shed Nelson your way through the rest of the...
00:43:09
Speaker
that's all I'm doing, man. All I'm That's how I'm living my life. I'm just, I'm trying really hard to Judd Nelson my way through life. Uh, that dude rules. Um, so it does Judd Nelson rule. I can't remember. I don't i actually, I don't, I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true. I just, I liked him a lot when I was a kid.
00:43:27
Speaker
Yeah. We'll look it up now. We'll just carry carry he was He was just a kind of a a cool actor. Bender. We'll say Bender. Bender. Bender. Yeah, sure.
00:43:37
Speaker
Bender. 80s Bender, not Futurama Bender. and Not Futurama Bender. Yeah. So he basically, they get drunk with him and he, he, they're telling him what their plan is and he doesn't invite himself along like so many people have. He says, Hey, watch out. Uh, there's a bunch of moors, uh, uh, that are, that are, uh, sailing that route that you're talking about. And if I remember correctly, um,
00:44:04
Speaker
a bunch of North men killed their like first captain or something like that. And so they hate those guys. They hate us to death. So right please, please be careful.
00:44:16
Speaker
um Foreshadowing is a literary device used by. Okay. So ah we get out, we get a brief serious dictionary defines. Yeah. Yeah.
00:44:33
Speaker
yeah ah Ingba and Carla talk about Frida. ah Carla says that... When you call my name... God damn it! We're never going to finish this book, Kevin!
00:44:44
Speaker
It's 500 pages! Actually, yeah i I kid. it's it's Honestly, for a 500-page book, it goes by pretty quick. I will say that. It's cruising by pretty quickly. Yeah, I will i will give it i will give old Klaus full credit. Um...
00:45:01
Speaker
I'm going to be I'm going to be ready for that now. I will not ready. I'm going to be ah so in vain. Carla ah talk about ah Frida and and and and Carla basically tells him that Frida admitted that she was pregnant by one of her rapists. So she was dealing with a lot of heavy shit ah as this all happened. And they kind of bond over it and agree to be, as we mentioned before, brother and sister and not, you know, clapback partners. ah she's not She's not his holler back girl.
00:45:33
Speaker
No, no. Thank goodness. Because I think they kind of imply she's like 13, 14 years old. and that Yeah. but I mean, that's that's historically accurate. but Yeah.
00:45:43
Speaker
ah Anyway. up Yeah. Chapter 10, we are back on the sea. And guess what, Kevin? Guess what?
Surviving Moorish Attack and Storm
00:45:53
Speaker
What? The Moors!
00:45:55
Speaker
Hey, the Moors are here! The Moors foreshadowing. The Moors have arrived. ah They attack Eagle's ship and kill his son and his crew. ah Thorolf and the others, they flee straight into... The storm of the century.
00:46:12
Speaker
ah It is a mess. And everyone gets roughed up. This is interesting. I don't know if you caught this, Kevin. They they make a point of because we've talked about this. Like there's a lot of log book shit ah in this book where it's like and they did this and then they did this because that's what you do. um Right. It's not all bad because they they they explain they're about to get hit by the storm. And so one of the things they do is they literally tie up the livestock and lay them on their sides because they could still do some serious damage if they get thrown around like that, but way less than if they're tripping and falling everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Like, just lay down, guys. right it is i i it makes perfect sense i'd never heard of that i thought that that was just a really interesting uh historic tidbit um everything's looking pretty bad asla tells thoralf that she is not worried about death because uh someone read her runes and has told her that their kid is going to grow into a great man and so we've got to survive for this kid to be a great man so we'll be fine which um
00:47:24
Speaker
okay yeah that's that's read the runes read the runes from a witch named uh uh from shithouse shithouse yeah you so she hadn't changed it yet to latrine she she hadn't changed it yet to latrine her she's still shithouse at this point still shithouse uh yeah a little specious but okay okay Fine. Yeah. ah Fair enough.
00:47:50
Speaker
ah So things are bad. ah they they they They make it through the storm. But ah after the storm, they are in a calm. And one of the ah sailors points out, sometimes this kind of shit can last for like two weeks and we need to. They can row, but they only have so much water.
00:48:09
Speaker
And so he's like, the best thing we can do right now is just to ride the current and let it take us where it's going to and conserve water and food as best as we can. um So we we get into that. Thorolf ends up having to kill one of Eagle's nephews ah because he agreed to take care of, if something happened to ah Eagle, he'd take care of his property and like, you know,
00:48:35
Speaker
hand, he'd he'd take over for a minute and then hand over his ships and everything to his son. um Right. ah There's this one cat who is not interested in that ah information. He is the nephew of Eagle, and he ah argues with Thorolf, and Thorolf, because it's it's Viking shit, has to have an honor fight with this guy, and then kills him pretty handily. Yep. Thorolf kills family members left and right.
00:49:02
Speaker
ah He's... Yeah, like i and I mean, he seems to be fated to do this. you know It's not like he's trying to... No, but he's good at it.
00:49:14
Speaker
and He's good at it. He's good at it. like So, you can't... I mean, proof's in the pudding. and The pudding being this man's brains that are now on the floor. ah Carla, clean that up.
00:49:27
Speaker
Carla... but yeah yeah Hide that. You're good at hiding things, Carl. Yeah. um So ah they he makes this... All right, and here's what Kevin was talking about earlier. They make a sacrifice to the gods, ah to Thor, who protects sailors and and and that sort of thing. And so they take off these silver armbands and they toss them into the sea, sacrificing the precious metal to the ocean in in fealty to ah Thor to protect them and give them winds.
00:50:00
Speaker
um carla watches all this happening and and in her inner monologue talks about how she knows you know like she's like she's like i know about the norse gods and they're they're capricious and cruel sometimes and they're just people they're just people really uh right the only god if there's a god that'll actually help them it's the the jesus god ah that guy could actually do it it's the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ have you heard the good news Thoral right it's it's and she keeps it to herself keeps to herself while this is happening know that Carla is thinking actually the only person who can save us is Jim Caviezel so
00:50:47
Speaker
time Jesus sorry meant Jesus Christ I meant Willem Dafoe oh yeah that's yeah My Jesus is Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe. Last temptation of Christ, my Jesus, please. Yeah. ah um Gregor the monk, remember him?
00:51:08
Speaker
ah he's he's he's been He's been quietly converting people, I i suspect. ah He reveals that he's actually a Roman cardinal. ah it was like Yeah, he's like, i am a I'm a Roman cardinal who reports directly to the Pope.
00:51:25
Speaker
and He's been Engve's father figure for years. And this is the first time he goes, oh, well, I'm not actually. Because they like I think they thought he was British or something, because that's why they where they kidnapped him. And he goes, well, actually, i'm I'm Roman. I'm from Rome. I was working for the Vatican. I'm a cardinal.
00:51:44
Speaker
ah I was just inspecting the monastery when you guys came. Right. It's like, A, it's really out of nowhere. And B, feels like something you would brought up by now.
00:51:56
Speaker
oh Yeah. That's a lot. I think, and see and see by the way, this is this is honestly a wrench to throw into ah the works right
Roman Cardinal's Arrival and Religious Implications
00:52:06
Speaker
now. Because as if these Vikings don't already have enough problems, now they have to worry about child molestation on top of everything else.
00:52:15
Speaker
It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not really not fair. It's not fair. that The things are working against them. It's like you never expect the the the Catholic Church look or the Spanish Inquisition, or but they didn't exist yet. so yeah uh so uh okay ryan uh we meet ryan a slave who is secretly an irish king you know that old chestnut um he finds a loose nail on uh eagle's boat he very we they very quickly point out that uh that now that thoralf is in charge uh he's a much better master he like lets them walk around and stretch their legs and Uh, uh, uh, which is, it's weird. It's like, okay, we don't need that. yeah It's like, it's like, I'm a kinder, better master is still a master. Like that's, that's, it's not great, but okay, fine. I'm going to, I'm going I'm going to let it slide for, for the sake of the book. Um, he finds a loose nail on the boat and, and manages to kind of pry it up, uh, uh, with his hands. And so he's got a, a tool that he can use. Uh, this, this will, this is something that will help us later.
00:53:24
Speaker
um i assume uh now just before they run out of water and hope they find land and it rains so they can see land in the distance they're filling their rain buckets hooray uh everything's okay this one is not as bad as some of the other ones in the sense that like it's a problem that gets solved pretty quick uh This they they they they drag this one out a little. I'll give them full credit. ah But now we've everything's cool. ah They decide they don't know if this was the island that the merchant had told them about, but they do decide they're like, well, whatever. This is Catan.
00:54:02
Speaker
This is where we're settle. And Catan, we find out means land of the sun. And and so we end the first half of the book ah with our we we end the first half the book with Catan. ah So our Vikings have arrived. ah and They have arrived. That's what we've got for today. uh so what do think there's another is there another jesus thing i think snuck in there i feel i think there is i don't remember yeah uh they feel like it's either thorall or or inge or somebody it's inge it's inge uh you're right yeah because he's speaking latin he bought he buys like a book in latin stuff and he's and he's ah now that frida is dead He's thinking about all the awful things that the Northmen have done to people. Right. And he's like talking about how he wants to be a kinder, kinder, gentler person out that they can start over. It's all very cool. Very good. And and and he's talking about that. And Gregor, ah the monk, says, well, you know who would be really into that?
00:55:06
Speaker
Jesus. And so, yeah, we do get it's not. It isn't like gratuitous. It isn't like him ejaculating into the water.
00:55:20
Speaker
uh right it's but it's there and we're only halfway through and i we really do have to keep an eye on this yeah yeah that's uh it's the book is uh the one by cicero um oh right right on the republic yes and he and he doesn't he doesn't like quite understand it yet he's reading it but didn't quite get it right Which is weird because it's not like when Cicero wrote that, ah you know, Christendom was just a still just a fart in the wind. Right. For the for the Romans, you know.
00:55:59
Speaker
and And that's just it. Like, that's the thing. it's it's It's Christianity at this point is not the Christianity we all know. Right. ah But it still feels feels a little weird.
00:56:13
Speaker
Yeah, it feels weird that this is, that, they're like, it was like, oh, why are we getting this? ah Are they going to bring Jesus to the the people who live on this island? Aha. Yeah.
00:56:26
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Then they do mention, they're like, there are indigenous people here. we're gonna have to If there are, we're going to have to figure out how to deal with that. We're either going to work with them or kill them. we are we are We are actually going into very loaded territory. like this is this area like there is There is some... I am nervous as to how the book is handled going to handle the rest of this stuff.
00:56:50
Speaker
I'll give him full credit. ah Klaus Troiber is... is I mean, and I know this comes from a translation, um but the characters are well developed. It's not it's not a badly written book.
00:57:05
Speaker
um Right. And he has handled a lot of things with with some grace and kind of a modern day sensibility. But, oh, boy, you can't help but be a little tiny bit jumpy. Yeah.
00:57:21
Speaker
Yeah. ah Yeah. So yeah, no, I'm nervous, but it's, I mean, it's, I, I'm enjoying it so far. i just like see these little red flags planted. It'd be like, Oh, is this going that's why I texted you. was like, Hmm.
00:57:35
Speaker
yeah is yeah is he backdooring some stuff in this book that i'm gonna be annoyed about i'm nervous it's a perfectly historical thing to talk about i'm still nervous i'm still nervous so of all the viking stories you could tell set in the 860s uh about vikings going to uh a land an unknown land it's mixing sprinkling some some christ flakes in there yeah a choice it's a choice it's a choice oh okay well let's well now that that's done uh uh i do have one last question though i did want to ask you yes let me get my notes here uh who's your savior
00:58:24
Speaker
No, sorry. i i meant what i ah I meant, what are you playing? Oh, God. um couldn't help myself. so fuck Zoraster.
00:58:41
Speaker
haven't heard That's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Gozer the Gozerian. Gozerian.
00:58:49
Speaker
Uh, good evening as a duly de designated representative of the city, county and state of New York.
00:58:56
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I would be forthwith to return to your dimension or the nearest convenient parallel dimension. I knew I was like, there's no there is no universe in which Kevin doesn't have that one in the bag. yeah Like, I. Are you a No,
00:59:14
Speaker
no no then die right when somebody asks you if you're a god you say you say it yes okay this chick is toast okay uh i will recite the entire ending of the movie well it's a you know what it's a good movie so it's a good movie it's a good movie so it's whatever is it is it more republican than you'd you'd think yeah yeah but uh it's fine It's pretty libertarian at the very least. It's pretty libertarian if I'm being honest, but ah it's it's still good.
00:59:49
Speaker
you know Yeah, it's still good.
00:59:54
Speaker
It sticks. ah Okay, so... What did I play? Make him hard! I didn't get that joke until I was much older. Which is probably okay. Which is probably okay. He says make him hard, and then the little tip sticks out.
01:00:11
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, that's all right.
01:00:18
Speaker
It's like I was thinking about that today when I when I was obsessed with ah Wayne's world and and it took me years to realize what he meant when he said, I believe i requested the handjob.
01:00:32
Speaker
So anyway, what I've been playing, ah more i there Mortal Shell 2 has an open beta right now. um So you can go ahead and play that. It lets you play through the first, I guess the first main story boss.
01:00:51
Speaker
um ah which's It's like two hours of the game. um And Mortal Shell, if you ah hadn't heard of it, is a Souls-like, with the main conceit that you don't build a character, you have that You play as this this character called the Harbinger who is able to possess corpses of other ah of other characters.
01:01:19
Speaker
And so in the first game, there was like four shells that you could you could possess. One of them was like a dexterous thief guy. One of them was more of like a well-balanced knight. One of them was tankier.
01:01:31
Speaker
um So that was the first one. and the second one, ah you actually start out with just the balanced knight character.
01:01:42
Speaker
um i think his name is Harrod or something like that. um And he your shell ends up getting destroyed. ah Harrod ends up getting destroyed ah in in the opening section of the game. So now you're like...
01:01:57
Speaker
You're basically metroided back to you don't have any shell, you're you're out in this. But the the game is much more ambitious than the first one. It it is like this big open map type situation ah and it feels a lot of fun to play. It's very fast compared to the first game. fast action and the mortal shell 2. Oh there it is. Okay go on. d And you you you start with ah a sword and a gun ah and the gun animation it's one of the my favorite gun animations. Basically it's like you have a sawed off shotgun but it's like magic. Nice!
01:02:40
Speaker
ah Strapped to your back. And every time you do it, it's like basically your character like spins the the shotgun around and grabs it and then swings it up.
01:02:52
Speaker
And you can just like spin it, swing, shoot in one fluid motion and just sends ah like that it just knocks enemies back so far. And it's so satisfying, especially when it kills them because it's just the blood. Just like sploosh.
01:03:11
Speaker
So Mortal Shell 2, they also got rid of stamina.
01:03:15
Speaker
Always a good choice. Yeah, they they got rid of the idea like where it's a stamina-based thing like Dark Souls, but instead it's more of a poise-based thing like Sekiro, where you ah you can block, but...
01:03:31
Speaker
The longer you're blocking, the lower your poise goes down. Once your poise gets broken, then you basically go down on one knee and it's you're able to like be hit by anything.
01:03:41
Speaker
um So it's it's more like that than ah then Dark Souls where you're managing a stamina meter ah between blocking and and dodging and all that.
01:03:52
Speaker
But yeah, Mortal Shell 2, really like the demo. Looking forward to when the full game comes out. Just says 2026, so we'll see. yeah um i also started playing Forbidden Solitaire. Ooh, that's on my wish list. I want to hear all about this.
01:04:13
Speaker
Yeah. So it's like a mix of those games where, yeah i forget ah if there's a term for them, where you're just like looking at an OS and you're kind of like solving a mystery. You know, those types of things. yeah You're playing a game on a computer system ah and the game is called Forbidden Solitaire. And it's like 1995 as fuck in terms of the game that you're playing, in terms of the game within the game.
01:04:42
Speaker
um And you're just going through a dungeon. It's like a dungeon crawler, but every time you come upon a ah an obstacle to overtime to overcome or a monster to fight, it's through a game of solitaire.
01:04:59
Speaker
um Sort of solitaire, where it's like you can... ah You draw your card and then you can pick a card from the board that is one up or one down from that card.
01:05:10
Speaker
And then that card goes onto your tip onto your pile and then you can oh do it again, up one up or one down from that card. So the the idea is like you kind of build out a combo.
01:05:20
Speaker
The combos are used most mainly for when you're fighting an enemy because the higher you the combo, the more damage you do to do to it um and then there's like these wild cards where it's like, ah this one lets you, this one's a joker and it lets you combo off of any card.
01:05:37
Speaker
And this one, you know, like shuffles the entire, shuffles all the cards in the playing fields. So, you know, you get a whole fresh batch cards.
01:05:50
Speaker
It's hilarious that every time you lose hand, you get a game over screen and this like 12 frames per second animation of your wizard dude like bending over in pain and then looking up and his eyeballs explode. And it says, game over.
01:06:06
Speaker
And it's like that is mid ninety s ah shock value right there. Amazing. Also, while you're playing, you're getting IMs from your friend who is looking into the game and why it's it's very rare to actually have a copy of it and the mystery behind the game. So you're like, while you're playing the game, you have a friend that's sending you IMs through like AOL Instant Messenger saying, Oh, check this weird shit out. Like, here's the commercial from, you know, 1995 for it. Or like, here's a police report about something that happened at the headquarters of the game developer.
01:06:45
Speaker
So it's a it's pretty cool so far. um It's funny is because I'm like, this is ah this is totally a Steam Deck game. But the problem is it's not really because it's it's mouse and keyboard. Right. Not mouse and keyboard. It's it's mouse based.
01:07:00
Speaker
um It's not really designed to be for the Steam Deck, but I have been using like the touch screen on the Steam Deck toise to kind of do it.
01:07:11
Speaker
um So yeah, that's Forbidden Solitaire. Pretty neat so far. I've played a couple hours hours of it, so I'm excited to to see how that turns out.
01:07:22
Speaker
um Also, I played the demo and then acquired the game, a Curse Mark. which is a top-down, i don't want to call it roguelite. It's roguish.
01:07:37
Speaker
um It's because ah the one of the things about roguelite games is that the layout of the rooms changes sure from run to run.
01:07:49
Speaker
It doesn't do that in Curse Mark. the actual you actual The rooms stay the same. um Basically, each run is just you're starting from scratch in terms of what you have available to you but it's more of a roguelite in that there's upgrades that you can get that carry over from run to run including unlocking more basic attacks and spells and defense mechanisms and all that stuff um it's fun it's i mean it's nothing really to write home about in terms of like
01:08:24
Speaker
gameplay or anything like that. it's It's got a fun little pixel art aesthetic and and whatnot, but it is ah it's it's a perfect little Steam Deck game. you know You can kind of sit there and hack and slash your way through levels while you're watching something else on on TV.
01:08:44
Speaker
So, yeah. yeah So, Curse Mark. ah That is what I have been playing. Pretty cool. Phil, what a parent. Oh, okay. So I finished Vulture Scavengers of Death.
01:09:04
Speaker
Loved it. ah yeah Silly, buggy, a super small team, scrappy as shit. Loved it. Had a blast. ah Really enjoyed it. i Definitely recommend playing it. uh there's more stuff i can do i wouldn't call it new game plus but there are things that i can achieve and i can finish it with the other character if i wanted to um but i'm good for now uh really enjoyed it um i started playing vampire the masquerade bloodlines 2. uh i mentioned last week that it was finally yeah you were interested you're intrigued
01:09:41
Speaker
Yes, um I'm still intrigued. i will so I've played a little over an hour, maybe an hour and a half of this, and um i i i I see that my suspicions were correct on this one.
01:09:58
Speaker
I guessed at what the problems were, and and i and I was right. The issue seems to be this is bad sequel to Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines.
Game Critiques: Vampire the Masquerade and Iron Nest
01:10:10
Speaker
it is It is not a good sequel. ah it it's a it's It's a very good, I think, Vampire the Masquerade game.
01:10:21
Speaker
Sure. ah if It's not Bloodlines 2, though. It is not Bloodlines 2. It does not match it ah in tone. It doesn't match it in... um Gameplay style, it's just, it me you know, whereas the the great thing about the first Bloodlines was that it was a true immersive sim, where before that was like kind of, that's they kind of put aspects of that shit into most games these days.
01:10:52
Speaker
At least games over a certain budget. um Sure. That just wasn't the case back then. You played different adventures based on, ah you went about things completely differently based on the clan you chose, based on how you want to play the game.
01:11:07
Speaker
um And it was really unique for that. ah And it was and it was it was a lot of fun. This is, it's it's the the Chinese room. Uh, which I, and I do not say that as a negative. I think that, uh, you know, what wakes the deep is fucking excellent. And, uh, most of the games I played by them, I find to be very, very good. Um, yeah And if they had come out and said, this developer is making a Vampire the Masquerade game, I think the reception would be very different.
01:11:41
Speaker
i think I think people would be way more accepting of it, ah way more interested in it. There's a lot of content. They keep releasing ah expansions. They're a little expensive, but they they are...
01:11:54
Speaker
constantly making new shit. I like the way the look the game looks. i like I like most of the gameplay. that The combat is shit. But, you know, it's like, and that was another thing. It's like, it didn't need to be there. ah You could write it could have, you know, that it was really unnecessary. all Right.
01:12:13
Speaker
ah But, but the first Bloodlines is very combat heavy. ah that's That's the kind of game it was. and And so this feels kind of like shoved in there. It's just not as good. Um...
01:12:24
Speaker
um It's a good Vampire the Masquerade game. It really is. It gets the world right. It gets the tone right. It it ah it's it does some interesting stuff with the mechanics. It isn't it isn't just a first-person version of playing ah that game. You've got like potions and shit that are kind of ah very silly and very video game-y. But you know right you get past that, and you've got a very serviceable ah game for this franchise. it But it is a...
01:12:55
Speaker
garbage sequel uh uh to the original bloodlines you know it's like it's it's it's like halloween 3 yes yes which season of the witch hey you know fantastic movie in its own fantastic uh as as like a sequel to halloween itself yeah um now look let me be clear uh let me be clear If ah Season of the Witch was the second movie in the series and it was we were establishing that the entire series was an anthology, then i think we would be i think steve i think we could have had that anthology series that was...
01:13:37
Speaker
being considered at the time. But because we we had, we got Halloween and then we got the totally unnecessary Halloween 2, which is, doesn't Halloween 2 take place like the next day or something like that? It's like, it's I think it's literally where the first one let leaves off. It's like later that night. I think it's like, it's literally like they're, they're out there at the house where, where they've, they've pushed Michael Myers of the window and it's like, it's Donald Pleasance and all that shit. Donald Pleasance.
01:14:08
Speaker
Yeah. Doing his Loomis shit. Doing his thing. Yeah. yeah But so, uh, neither here nor there. Yeah. I totally get the, uh, the, the issue. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually, honestly, that's a really apt comparison because it is that's honestly what it is. it's It's a shame.
01:14:29
Speaker
ah it's like it's It's like a lot of games that you can't get second release. a second release um Right. And this people didn't trust it. They felt weird about it. and And they got in there and they wanted more bloodlines. They didn't get more bloodlines. ah And they were so disappointed that it was impossible for them to ah just go. Well, this isn't I mean, it's not a bad game.
01:14:53
Speaker
ah Right. It isn't at least so far as much as I've been playing it. um Yeah. So anyway, I'm going to keep playing it in dribs and drabs ah just to to because it it does. It is intriguing.
01:15:06
Speaker
um sure but i i see i see where they went wrong um and i certainly don't blame the developers for that there was that that was a whole shit show um
01:15:17
Speaker
I downloaded the DLC for The King is Watching, which was one of my favorite games. That's why I saw King is Watching popping up on Steam.
01:15:28
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. They have they have a DLC. It's history-based. You can you can ah take on Cleopatra and Xerxes and... It's called the Crowns of History, and it just adds a bunch of new stuff to the game. For those of you who who aren't aware, The King is Watching is a pretty solid little ah like roguelike kingdom builder kind of game where it's you've got tiles that you can place different buildings and that sort of thing on. And the conceit is that you only have a limited you have a little box that you can fit a certain amount of tiles into. And those are the only ones that are working. So, you know, if you've got if you've got a three square L ah only the farm or the, you know, ah you know, woodcutter, whoever happens to be under those, they're the only ones that are working. So you have to kind of constantly be adjusting and watching what's coming your way and and upgrading stuff like that. It's. ah
01:16:31
Speaker
i i really enjoy it it's ah it's a solid uh uh game and uh and i was intrigued enough to to buy the uh the dlc and it's just more good shit nothing nothing mind-blowing uh more more leaders uh to play more ah units to uh update stuff like that very cool um i think the most important thing for me that i played this week though was a demo ah This game, I cannot wait for this fucking game. I would have, within 15 minutes of this demo, if if the game was released, I would have been like, here is my money.
01:17:10
Speaker
It was, I've played, I'm looking at, i have 17 minutes of play time on this demo. And i had to I had to turn it off because parents' stuff. ah But it was it it's called Iron Nest Heavy Turret Simulator. um Okay. Okay.
01:17:26
Speaker
This game, I think you'd like this, Kevin. ah Okay. it it's ah You are the the the captain crew, this the one-man team member of this of this iron nest. It is a walking turret for all intents and purposes.
01:17:45
Speaker
The game is very deliberate. It is a simulation game and you have to, you you you are given a target. You have a map. You look at the map and coordinates.
01:17:57
Speaker
You have to, you go over here, adjust the tilt of the gun based on where it is. You come over to this section. You choose the number of powder charges for how far the shell has to go. You come over here. You rotate the turret itself. you cut And you have to do all this shit ah and and And then finally, after everything is just right, you flang and just boom, send off the shell and you hit it or you don't.
01:18:30
Speaker
And if you, I remember my dad, my dad was in the artillery for a long time and he was explaining how like, he was like, you know, with mortars and stuff and you like, you there's math and you just kind of like try to figure it out. And if you don't hit it,
01:18:43
Speaker
then you adjust son, you know, like, and that's, and so you're like, okay, we were this many degrees off and you adjust again. It's very nerdy. um And it's also very metal.
01:18:55
Speaker
And I mean that in kind of a literal sense, everything has an appropriate weight to it. You're for pulling down the levers and yeah turning this thing. It's not, you don't just get to go, okay, I have to do it 22 degrees East or something that. And you type in 22 East or whatever.
01:19:13
Speaker
There's none of that. You have to turn the wheel. You have to pull the lever. You have to pull the pulley. Like it's, it's a whole thing.
01:19:23
Speaker
love it. I don't know why. Like it's very, it's very, I don't know why it's, You gotta play this demo. I think you'd like it a lot. I'm gonna download her right now. it's I was looking at it was like, oh, it's like, um it's almost like Iron Lung meets a tabletop war game thing, but instead of playing the war game, you're one unit.
01:19:49
Speaker
Yeah, that's exactly it. It is very, if everything is very deliberate. It's not, a yeah there is no, it's not button mashy. it's na You have to take your time and really figure it out.
01:20:03
Speaker
it yeah is fantastic. fucking cool. and And I'm shocked that there aren't more games out there. From what I can tell, it's literally a two-person team that made this. ah That's amazing.
01:20:16
Speaker
Yeah, and it looks good. It feels good. And and the the the conceit of it is... really fun. And they say that's coming out in the third quarter. Um, but, and, and it is a fact I would have, I like 10 minutes into this fucking thing. I was like, okay, can I buy this yet? Is this, no, no. Okay. Fine. Please.
01:20:37
Speaker
Because this is neat. This is the kind of thing that you say you want something different. And, and sometimes you mean that sometimes you don't, it just depends on the different they give you. This is the different I wanted.
01:20:50
Speaker
It's, it's very deliberate. very thoughtful uh i think we're gonna a lot of fun with it and i say and i mean we you and me i think we're both gonna really yes yeah yeah i'm i'm into it yeah i'm i'm i'm looking forward to playing it yeah so that's uh but that's me that's that's that's my whole spiel
01:21:10
Speaker
Well, that'll do it for tonight's episode. If you can, go ahead and like and comment and subscribe on all the platforms. ah You know, the ones.
01:21:20
Speaker
good The Face-tagrams and the Twit-toks Instabooks. The Instabooks and the... yeah The blue skis. um Twitter.
01:21:36
Speaker
Yeah. Twitter. Foursquare. Foursquare. Still playing that one. first Is Foursquare still active? I don't know. i
Foursquare's Evolution and Humorous Conclusion
01:21:46
Speaker
I doubt it. I have to because it's just that's it's just the one thing that's now a piece of every of every platform.
01:21:54
Speaker
I can't believe that it's still there. Uh. It was called Foursquare, right? Yeah, Foursquare. Yeah.
01:22:05
Speaker
Uh... Yeah. It still exists. Hmm. Now it's a location data company, which I guess I always was. Well, yeah, that actually makes perfect sense. Oh, Jesus. I'm glad I never got into that one.
01:22:26
Speaker
Yeah. Sort of like Pokemon Go to the polls. um Yeah, exactly. Anyway, that'll do it. And Jonesy lives. Jonesy lives.