Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Episode 4: After the Calm: Repair, Reflection, and Teaching the Skill
92 Plays3 months ago
In this episode, we explore what happens after a behavior incident and how educators can support students in repairing relationships, reflecting on what happened, and building the skills needed to handle situations differently next time. The episode focuses on moving beyond punishment and using brief repair conversations that strengthen accountability, self-awareness, and trust.
We discuss:
- Why behavior moments are learning moments
- How to guide students through reflection and repair
- Simple conversation structures that help students take responsibility while maintaining dignity
- Why repairing relationships is critical for long-term behavior change
These conversations help students develop important life skills such as self-control, problem solving, and repairing relationships.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Recap
00:00:00
Kristina Lamia
Hey everyone, welcome back to Podcast PD with Christina. In episode one, we talked about trauma and brain science and how stress impacts the developing brain. In episode two, we looked at why transitions are neurologically difficult for many students.
00:00:17
Kristina Lamia
And in our last episode, we talked about the comms method and about what to say and what not to say when behavior starts to escalate.
Post-Calm Learning Opportunities
00:00:25
Kristina Lamia
Today, we're going to talk about what happens after the comm.
00:00:30
Kristina Lamia
Because a lot of times, that's the moment we ask, okay, the student calmed down. Now, what do we do? Do we give a consequence? Do we talk about it Do we just move on? The answer is that moment after regulation is actually the most powerful learning moment of the entire situation.
00:00:51
Kristina Lamia
So why after the calm matters? So let's go back to brain science for a minute. When a student is escalated, the amygdala is running the show. The downstairs brain's in charge, and the nervous system is focused on survival.
00:01:05
Kristina Lamia
The nervous system is thinking about fight, flight, freeze, and sometimes spawn. And at that moment, the prefrontal cortex is offline. And remember, the prefrontal cortex is responsible for reflection, decision-making, impulse control, empathy, and problem solving.
00:01:21
Kristina Lamia
So when we try to lecture, punish, or teach during escalation, the brain literally cannot observe it. But after regulation returns, something important happens. Communication between the upstairs and downstairs brain reconnects.
00:01:37
Kristina Lamia
The thinking brain comes back online and that's when learning becomes possible again. And that's why the moment after the calm is where the real teaching happens.
Behavior as Skill Gaps
00:01:48
Kristina Lamia
Behavior is often a skill gap.
00:01:50
Kristina Lamia
And one of the most helpful mindset shifts in behavior support is this. Many behaviors are not just rule breaking. They are skill gaps. Students may be struggling with frustration tolerance, impulse control, transitions, emotional regulation, flexible thinking, problem solving, you name it.
00:02:08
Kristina Lamia
And when we see behavior as a skill gap, our response shifts. So instead of asking why they did that, we start asking what skill do they need help building?
00:02:21
Kristina Lamia
let's talk about the repair conversation. Once the student is calm, we can guide them through a simple repair conversation. This doesn't have to be long. It can be about two minutes.
00:02:31
Kristina Lamia
The structure might look like this connection, reflection, skill, plan. Again, connection, reflection, skill, plan.
00:02:43
Kristina Lamia
Let's walk through those steps. So your first step is to reconnect. Start by reestablishing safety and the relationship that you have with the student. So you might say something like, I'm glad you're feeling calmer.
00:02:56
Kristina Lamia
Or, thanks for taking a minute to reset. That signals that the moment is about learning and not punishment. Your next step is reflection. We invite the student to reflect on what happened.
00:03:09
Kristina Lamia
You might ask, what happened from your perspective? Or what was your body feeling right before things got really big? That question helps reconnect the prefrontal cortex. It encourages awareness.
00:03:23
Kristina Lamia
Some students will say, i was mad, or they were laughing at me, or i didn't understand the work. Now we have some information and can teach the skill that the child might be missing.
00:03:37
Kristina Lamia
So that might sound like the next time your body feels frustrated, what could you try? You might suggest to the student that they could ask for help, take a break, use a different reset strategy, or raise a hand instead of shutting down.
00:03:54
Kristina Lamia
Now this is the moment where the learning happens. take a moment and model this for them. You could say, let's try this out. When your body starts to feel tense and your brain gets frustrated and you need help, you could take a deep breath and then raise a quiet hand and wait for me to see you.
00:04:13
Kristina Lamia
Okay, you try it, let's pretend. And engage in that role play with the student, just a minute or two so they can practice that skill. And then make a plan with the student.
00:04:26
Kristina Lamia
So the next time math feels frustrating, what will you try first? Let the students say it out loud. That reinforces the pathway in the brain. And then close the conversation with, okay, let's try it again.
00:04:41
Kristina Lamia
And continue on with your day.
00:04:46
Kristina Lamia
Sometimes the behavior impacts the classroom or other students and repair is about restoring the community, not shaming the child. So repair might look like the student picking up materials that were thrown, apologizing to a peer, helping reset the space and practicing the expectation again.
00:05:07
Kristina Lamia
So you might say to the child, let's fix what happened or how can we repair this? The goal is responsibility without humiliation.
Calming the Brain for Learning
00:05:20
Kristina Lamia
So let's think about why repair works. You can think about the whole process like this. Calm the brain, connect with the student, reflect on what happened, teach the skill, repair and reentry.
00:05:34
Kristina Lamia
Each of these steps serves a different purpose. and together they create a structure that supports the nervous system and the learning process. So first we calm the brain.
00:05:46
Kristina Lamia
Before anything else can happen, the student's nervous system has to settle. When the brain is in a fight, flight, freeze state, the thinking brain is not available.
00:05:57
Kristina Lamia
In that moment where strategies like lower our voice, slowing our movements, giving space, and allowing for a brief reset help their nervous system return to a regulated state.
00:06:11
Kristina Lamia
The goal in this stage is not correction or explanation or wanting to know why the student did what they did. The goal is making them feel safe.
00:06:22
Kristina Lamia
When the nervous system settles, the brain becomes capable of thinking again. What I see a lot of at this space, when a child is not doing the right thing, we become frustrated and our nervous system becomes escalated and our response and our tone becomes louder and more aggressive than how we would normally talk.
00:06:48
Kristina Lamia
We also want to know why the child did what they did. And if they did know that, they could tell you and they probably wouldn't have done what they did. It's our job to give students the language for what they're experiencing and the strategies to handle it differently next time.
00:07:05
Kristina Lamia
And so at this moment when you're feeling frustrated, it's really important to focus on that co-regulation and not trying to correct or understand why the child did what they did.
00:07:18
Kristina Lamia
Next, connect with the student. After a moment of dysregulation, connection helps restore the relationship and communicates that the adult is still a source of support. A simple acknowledgement that the student has calmed down or a calm presence nearby to them signals that the situation is moving forward rather than staying stuck in conflict.
00:07:39
Kristina Lamia
This connection matters because the brain regulates through relationships. Students are far more likely to reflect and engage in problem solving when they feel safe, respected, and heard.
00:07:52
Kristina Lamia
Once that connection is reestablished, we can move into reflection.
Reflection and Self-Regulation
00:07:56
Kristina Lamia
And this is the point where we help the student think about what happened. Reflection helps activate the prefrontal cortex again by encouraging the student to examine their thoughts, their feelings, and their actions.
00:08:09
Kristina Lamia
Asking what their body was feeling, what made that moment hard, or what they noticed before things escalated, that encourages awareness. Awareness is the first step towards self-regulation because it helps students to begin to recognize the signals that their bodies give them before the behavior grows bigger.
00:08:29
Kristina Lamia
After reflection comes teaching the skill. Many challenging behaviors are connected to skills that are still developing. A student may need support with frustration tolerance, asking for help, managing peer conflict, or transitioning between activities.
00:08:44
Kristina Lamia
We also need to remember that our students have been stunted in their growth socially um and emotionally over the past six years coming out of the COVID pandemic.
00:08:56
Kristina Lamia
And so a lot of the things that we assume that kids know how to do or how to handle, they may not. And so we need to shift our mindset from they should already know this to they probably don't know.
00:09:11
Kristina Lamia
And now I can teach the skill. So at this stage, we help them to identify what strategy might work the next time they feel the same way.
00:09:23
Kristina Lamia
This might include taking a break, using calming strategies, asking for clarification, or finding an appropriate way to express frustration. The key is that the moment becomes instructional rather than purely corrective.
00:09:39
Kristina Lamia
And then the next step is repair. If the situation affected the classroom community, the student has an opportunity to make things right. Repair might involve cleaning up materials, apologizing to someone who was impacted, or practicing the expected behavior again. This step reinforces responsibility while also showing that mistakes can be addressed and resolved.
00:10:04
Kristina Lamia
it focuses the shift The shift focuses from punishment to accountability and growth.
Repair and Retry for Skill Development
00:10:16
Kristina Lamia
Finally, we retry and re-enter. And this step is important because it reinforces the idea that learning includes second chances. After reflecting and repairing, the student returns to the task, the routine, or the expectation.
00:10:32
Kristina Lamia
The retry, re-entry gives the student an opportunity to practice the skill that they just discussed. And each time a student moves through this cycle, the brain practices shifting from reaction to reflection and then back to productive engagement.
00:10:48
Kristina Lamia
But it is something that needs to be repeated over time. It builds stronger neural pathways for regulation and problem solving when we go through this process regularly.
00:11:00
Kristina Lamia
Students begin to recognize their own emotional signals earlier and respond with strategies instead of immediate reactions. What begins as adult guidance gradually becomes internal self-talk and self-management.
00:11:15
Kristina Lamia
In this way, calming the brain, connecting, reflecting, teaching, repairing, and retrying becomes more than just a response to behavior. It becomes a framework for helping students develop the skills that they need to navigate what challenges both inside and outside the classroom.
00:11:34
Kristina Lamia
Now, here are some things that we do want to avoid. What we want to avoid in these moments are responses that unintentionally push the brain back into defense.
00:11:45
Kristina Lamia
There are a few common habits that many of us fall into, often without realizing it, that can undermine the learning opportunity that comes after regulation. Long lectures are one of the most common.
00:11:59
Kristina Lamia
When a student has just come out of an escalated state, their brain is still recovering. Their cognitive capacity is still limited, and long explanations can quickly overwhelm their working memory.
00:12:12
Kristina Lamia
Even when the message is important, the brain may not retain it, so short, clear conversations are far more effective than extended lectures.
00:12:24
Kristina Lamia
Bringing up past incidents can also reactivate the stress response. When we say things like, this is the third time this week, or you always do this, the student's brain often shifts back into defensiveness or shame.
00:12:39
Kristina Lamia
Instead of focusing on the present learning opportunity, the brain becomes focused on protecting itself. And the conversation moves away from reflection and towards self-defense.
00:12:50
Kristina Lamia
Keeping the focus on the current situation helps the student stay engaged in problem solving rather than feeling judged or labeled. Sarcasm can also escalate a situation, even when it's intended to lighten the mood.
00:13:04
Kristina Lamia
The nervous system does not always interpret sarcasm the way adults expect. Tone, facial expression, and implied criticism can easily be be perceived as ridicule or disrespect, especially for a student who has just experienced a stressful moment.
00:13:21
Kristina Lamia
When the brain senses embarrassment or social threat, the amygdala can reactivate quickly. A calm, neutral tone and calm, neutral body language is much more likely to keep the student regulated and open to learning.
00:13:39
Kristina Lamia
Public correction is another response that often backfires. Addressing the situation in front of peers increases social pressure and can trigger feelings of humiliation or the need to save face.
00:13:53
Kristina Lamia
When a student feels that their dignity is threatened, their brain shifts back toward protection rather than reflection. Moving the conversation to a quieter, more private moment helps preserve the student's sense of safety and makes it more likely that they will participate honestly in the reflection process.
00:14:12
Kristina Lamia
All of these responses have something in common. They shift the interaction back toward threat, which reactivates the survival response in the brain. When that happens, the opportunity for learning disappears again.
00:14:26
Kristina Lamia
Our goal in these moments is not to win the interaction or to prove a point. Our goal is to help the student understand what happens, learn a new skill, and move forward.
00:14:39
Kristina Lamia
When we keep the focus on calm reflection and skill building, we support the brain's ability to learn rather than defend. And just like we talked about in episode three, our nervous system is still part of this moment.
00:14:56
Kristina Lamia
If we are still frustrated, the conversation won't land. Sometimes we need a minute too, and that's okay. I highly recommend asking for coverage for a few minutes if you need to regulate your own body.
00:15:10
Kristina Lamia
This is also a great time to model the use of the calm corner. You can say, My body is feeling tense and my heart is beating faster. i think I need to take a break in the calm down corner.
00:15:22
Kristina Lamia
And if a student wants to engage in a power struggle and you aren't ready, you might say, let's just talk about this in a few minutes. I want to hear you. I'm not ready to have the conversation. Regulation is a prerequisite for reflection for both adults and students. If neither is regulated, they aren't ready to move into reflection.
00:15:45
Kristina Lamia
And now let's talk about the long-term impact. So when students experience this cycle repeatedly, regulation, reflection, repair, and retry, something powerful begins to happen in the brain.
00:15:58
Kristina Lamia
Each time a student moves through that sequence with the support of a regulated adult, the brain is practicing a new pathway. At first, the adult is doing most of the work.
00:16:09
Kristina Lamia
We're helping slow the nervous system, helping the student name what they were feeling, helping them think about what happened, and then helping them plan what to try next.
00:16:20
Kristina Lamia
But the brain learns through repetition. The more often this process occurs, the more efficient those neural connections become. Over time, students begin to anticipate the reflection step.
00:16:33
Kristina Lamia
They start recognizing the early signs in their bodies that we have been naming together. They might notice that their hands are clenching, their stomach is tightening, their voice gets louder, or their breathing is speeding up.
00:16:48
Kristina Lamia
The body awareness is the first step towards self-regulation. The questions we ask during calm conversations begin to echo in their minds. What was my body feeling?
00:17:00
Kristina Lamia
What made this moment hard? What could I try next time? Eventually those questions shift from being asked by the teacher to being asked internally by the student.
00:17:12
Kristina Lamia
And that internal dialogue is what we call self-talk. And it is one of the most important tools for emotional regulation. The student begins to pause even briefly before reacting.
00:17:27
Kristina Lamia
They may not stop every escalation right away, but they do start to build a moment of awareness between a feeling and action. And that moment of awareness is where regulation lives.
00:17:41
Kristina Lamia
From a brain science perspective, what we are doing in these moments is strengthening the connection between the emotional brain and the thinking brain. The amygdala will always react quickly to perceived stress or threat.
00:17:55
Kristina Lamia
That's its job. But through repeated experiences of calming, reflecting, repairing, and trying again, the prefrontal cortex becomes better at stepping back in and guiding behavior.
00:18:09
Kristina Lamia
The brain becomes more efficient at shifting from reaction to regulation. And this is why consistency matters so much. Regulation is not built through a single conversation or a single strategy.
00:18:22
Kristina Lamia
It develops through hundreds of small interactions over time where students experience the same pattern of safety, reflection, and problem solving.
00:18:33
Kristina Lamia
Each of those moments is like a repetition in a workout for the brain. The pathways grow stronger, the responses become more automatic, and eventually the student begins to regulate with less external support.
00:18:47
Kristina Lamia
That is the long-term goal of this work. We're not just managing the behavior that happens in front of us today. We're helping students build the internal systems that will guide them tomorrow.
00:18:59
Kristina Lamia
When a student begins to pause, take a breath, and ask for help, or try a strategy before a situation escalates, that is the brain using the pathways that were built through these repeated cycles.
00:19:13
Kristina Lamia
That is regulation developing in real time.
Summary and Lifelong Learning
00:19:17
Kristina Lamia
So think about the whole process like this. Calm the brain, connect with the student, reflect on what happened, teach the skill, repair and retry and re-entry.
00:19:28
Kristina Lamia
Praise when you see the student attempting to use a strategy.
00:19:34
Kristina Lamia
So in closing, behavior moments are not interruptions to learning, even though they feel like it. They are actually moments for learning. They are moments where students are developing the skills that they will need for the rest of their lives.
00:19:51
Kristina Lamia
Skills like self-control, problem solving, emotional awareness, and repairing relationships do not develop in a worksheet or on a lesson plan alone. They develop in real moments, real interactions.
00:20:04
Kristina Lamia
When something feels hard and a caring adult helps a student slow down, reflect, and try again, those may moments might feel messy in the middle of a busy school day, but they are some of the most meaningful teaching that we are doing.
00:20:21
Kristina Lamia
When we help a student calm their body, talk through what happened, and then think about what they could try next time, we're strengthening the parts of the brain responsible for regulation and decision-making.
00:20:32
Kristina Lamia
Each of those interactions helps build neural pathways that better support better choices in the future. Over time, those repeated experiences shape how students respond to stress, frustration, and conflict.
00:20:47
Kristina Lamia
That means when you guide a student through a moment of reflection or repair, you're not just solving a problem for that day. You're helping that student build the internal skills that they'll carry with them into middle school, high school, and adulthood.
00:21:00
Kristina Lamia
And that's why this work matters so much. You're not just managing behavior, you're building brains. You are teaching students how to pause, how to think, how to repair relationships, and how to move forward after mistakes.
00:21:14
Kristina Lamia
Those are all lifelong skills and they're incredibly important. If you try one repair in this conversation this week, I would love to hear how it goes. Stop me in the hallway, send me an email or a text, and just share what you noticed.
00:21:30
Kristina Lamia
We're all learning together and we're growing together in this work. And before we close, i just want to say thank you again. Thank you to everyone who's been listening to the podcast, sharing episodes with colleagues and talking about these ideas in your teams and sending feedback about what you're trying in your classrooms.
00:21:46
Kristina Lamia
The messages and conversations about how you're applying this learning have been incredibly encouraging. You're doing hard work every single day and the care that you bring to students shows. You're thoughtful, reflective professionals who are constantly trying to get better for kids.
00:22:02
Kristina Lamia
You guys are awesome, truly. This work is not easy, but it matters deeply. And the effort that you're putting into this is making a difference for our students. We're building it together, guys.
00:22:13
Kristina Lamia
I hope to see you in episode five. Bye.