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Episode 3 Say This, Not That: De-Escalation Scripts That Work
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Episode 3
Say This, Not That: De-Escalation Scripts That Work
In this practical episode, we focus on the language educators use when student behavior begins to escalate. When a child is dysregulated, the thinking brain goes offline and tone, body language, and word choice can either escalate or calm the situation. This episode introduces the CALMS Method—Calm your voice, Align your body, Limit your words, Make one direction clear, and Save consequences for later. Listeners will learn how simple shifts in language and adult regulation can reduce power struggles, support nervous system safety, and help students return to a state where learning and accountability are possible.
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Transcript
Introduction and Listener Appreciation
00:00:01
Speaker
Hey, welcome back to Podcast PD with Christina. Thank you all again for being on this journey with me. I have received so much positive feedback from you about things that you learned, things that you just hadn't thought of in a different way, and how you've applied some of your learning in your classroom. And so keep it up. It's really awesome. Thanks so much, guys.
Recap of Trauma and Brain Science Episodes
00:00:24
Speaker
So in episode one we grounded ourselves in trauma and brain science. And in episode two, we talked about transitions and why they are neurologically hard. Today, we're going to get very practical.
00:00:37
Speaker
and We are going to spend some time talking about what we might say and what we might choose to say a little differently when behavior starts to escalate.
Educators' Pressures and Support
00:00:46
Speaker
Because when a student is dysregulated, our words can either raise their temperature or lower it.
00:00:52
Speaker
And Often, even more than the words themselves, it's our tone and our body language that can communicate safety or threat. And before we go any further, I also just want to say this.
00:01:07
Speaker
This happens to us too. We are carrying a lot. Many of us are navigating our own stress, our own trauma histories, our own chronic exhaustion, all while being expected to show up steady, ready, regulated, and effective every single day. This is not the type of job that you can just turn off.
00:01:29
Speaker
And as educators, administrators, and parents, we are always on. And I'll be honest, I often fall back into habits that aren't the most effective because sometimes they feel faster or easier or better in the moment. And that doesn't mean that I'm failing or anybody else is failing. It just means we're human and we don't have to be perfect to do this work well. We just need to be willing to try something different.
00:01:54
Speaker
And so anytime that you are with me, you are safe, you are supported, you are professionals with education, experience, and most importantly, a deep commitment to our students.
Introducing the CALMS Method
00:02:06
Speaker
And so these podcasts are just about refinement and perhaps a different lens to view things through, not judgment or things that I will say will work 100% of the time. These are just some new ideas or perhaps a different way of thinking about old ideas.
00:02:24
Speaker
So this episode is going to give you one simple framework to remember when things feel tense. And I call it the CALMS method.
00:02:35
Speaker
And that stands for calm your voice, align your body, limit your words, make one direction clear, and save consequences for later.
00:02:49
Speaker
And something that you can kind of put in your head, calm first, correct later. Now, let's talk about why this works and what our brain looks like under stress.
Stress and Brain Functioning
00:03:01
Speaker
So when a student is escalating, the prefrontal cortex begins to go offline. That's the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, reasoning, language processing, problem solving, and flexible thinking.
00:03:14
Speaker
It's what helps us pause before we act. But when stress rises, the amygdala or the brain's alarm system takes over. And when the amygdala is in charge, the brain is not asking, what's the expectation? What's the rule? It's asking, am I safe?
00:03:33
Speaker
That's when cortisol increases, heart rate increases, and cognitive flexibility decreases. If the brain is in fight, flight, freeze, or even fawn, logic will not land.
00:03:48
Speaker
It can be helpful to picture this through what dan Dr. Dan Siegel calls the upstairs and downstairs brain. Imagine the brain like a house. The downstairs brain includes the brainstem and the amygdala.
00:04:00
Speaker
That's the part that's responsible for survival functions. Regulating breathing, heart rate, sensory processing, and scanning for threat. Kind of like the downstairs of your house, kind of like the hub of the house. You have your kitchen, your living room, dining room, maybe an office. That's the place where all of the the regular functions of the house happen.
00:04:24
Speaker
The downstairs brain is intact in birth, and it's reactive and fast. It is what allows us to survive. The upstairs brain is the prefrontal cortex. That's the thinking brain. It's responsible for logic, reasoning, problem solving, decision-making, and most importantly here, managing our emotions.
00:04:47
Speaker
And here's something important. The upstairs brain is actually under construction throughout childhood and adolescence and is not fully developed until around age 25.
00:04:59
Speaker
So that means the very part of our brain we rely on for regulation is still developing in our students and is shaped by their experiences. When a child is calm, ready to learn, and socially engaged, the upstairs and downstairs brains are communicating well.
De-escalation and Brain Communication
00:05:17
Speaker
The thinking brain is in charge. The child can think before acting. But when a child feels stressed, embarrassed, angry, or overwhelmed, communication between the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain weakens.
00:05:34
Speaker
The downstairs brain reacts before the upstairs brain can think and process what's going on. If the amygdala senses threat, even if it's a real threat or even just a perceived threat, it activates a fight-flight-freeze or sometimes fawn response.
00:05:53
Speaker
Adrenaline increases. The body prepares for action. In that state, it is very hard to think clearly. It can feel scary and out of control for a child. And that is often what we are seeing during meltdowns or escalations.
00:06:08
Speaker
In those moments, it becomes our role as educators to help reestablish communication between the upstairs and downstairs brain. We're not trying to win an argument. We're not trying to determine who is right or who is wrong.
00:06:23
Speaker
We are simply trying to help a nervous system feel safe enough to think again. And that's why calms as a strategy matters. It's not just a behavior strategy. It's a brain-based response to stress.
00:06:37
Speaker
So let's walk through the calms step by step and connect it directly to brain science. The C in calms is calm your voice. Tone is processed faster than words.
00:06:51
Speaker
The amygdala scans pitch, pace, and intensity before it processes the actual language. So if your voice sharpens, speeds up, grows louder, the nervous system hears a threat, even if your words are neutral.
00:07:08
Speaker
So instead of, excuse me, you will sit down right now, try lowering your volume and slowing your pace. I can see you're frustrated.
00:07:20
Speaker
Let's take a seat. Or, you're not ready yet. I will give you one minute. When your voice lowers, you send a cue of safety.
00:07:32
Speaker
That cue reduce begins to reduce the amygdala activation and allows the prefrontal cortex to slowly re-engage. You cannot out-logic an activated brain, but you can out-commit.
00:07:49
Speaker
The A in COM stands for align your body. Your posture communicates power or partnership. Frost arms pointing, pacing, hovering over a seated student, those signals increase perceived dominance.
00:08:05
Speaker
When a student already feels out of control, dominance increases fight response. So instead, lower your body down to eye level.
00:08:16
Speaker
Uncross your arms. Slow your gestures. And stand at an angle rather than directly squared off. That's the supported stance that we learn about through our CPI training.
00:08:30
Speaker
Slow movement signals safety. path i'm sorry Fast and abrupt movements signal danger. The nervous system mirrors what it sees.
00:08:42
Speaker
So when your body is calm, Theirs has a model to follow. The L in COM stands for limit your words. When stress rises, language processing decreases.
00:08:57
Speaker
Long explanations, lectures, or repeated directives overload working memory. So instead of, we've talked about this, you know better, this is the third time today, and now going to have to call home.
00:09:10
Speaker
Try, let's reset this. Or just start with your name. Short, concrete, clear. One direction at a time.
00:09:23
Speaker
Limiting language reduces the cognitive load and increases the chance that the direction will actually land.
Applying the CALMS Method
00:09:29
Speaker
During escalation, less is more. The M in COM stands for make one direction clear.
00:09:39
Speaker
An overwhelmed brain cannot process multiple steps. So instead of, pick up your pencil, turn to page 42, write your name at the top, get started.
00:09:50
Speaker
Try one simple direction. Open your book. Pause. Once that happens, give the next step. One direction at a time protects executive functioning and reduces overwhelm.
00:10:07
Speaker
Clarity reduces anxiety. Anxiety reduction supports regulation.
00:10:14
Speaker
And finally, the S. S stands for save the consequences for later. And this is the hardest one. Because when behavior escalates, our instinct is to correct immediately. If you don't stop, you're losing recess. That's disrespectful. I'm calling your mom. You're going to the office. Get out of my room.
00:10:36
Speaker
But The consequences delivered during dysregulation only activates the defense. It doesn't activate reflection. A dysregulated brain cannot learn from consequence.
00:10:50
Speaker
They can only react to it. Save correction for when breathing slows and posture softens. Then say, what happened from your perspective?
00:11:03
Speaker
Pause. Then ask, what could we try next time? Pause.
00:11:11
Speaker
We still need to complete the work. How can we do that now? Calm first, correct leader. Timing is everything. A student doesn't need to be told repeatedly that they're going to get a consequence.
00:11:26
Speaker
They know that they're in trouble. Our first goal is to help them calm their nervous system.
00:11:34
Speaker
All right, so let's look at some scenarios and some things that you could say or do during these scenarios. So student says to you, I'm not doing it. Leave me alone. An escalated response could be, you don't talk to me like that. If you don't get started on your work right now, you're losing recess.
00:11:52
Speaker
The brain impact. Public correction increases social threat. Threat increases cortisol. Cortisol suppresses the prefrontal cortex. The student shifts deeper into fight mode.
00:12:06
Speaker
Now you get louder refusal or escalation. When we apply the calms response, you calm your voice. I can see you're not ready yet. Align your body.
00:12:17
Speaker
Lower yourself slightly and slow your movements when talking to the student. Limit your words. We'll start together. Make one direction clear.
00:12:28
Speaker
Pick up your pencil. And when they do it, praise what they're doing. Great, you picked up your pencil. Now write your name. Awesome, you wrote your name.
00:12:40
Speaker
And if a consequence is necessary, save the consequence for later. After the child is regulated, then address the expectations. And notice what may have changed in that interaction.
00:12:52
Speaker
The goal is not to win the moment. The goal was to lower the threat.
00:12:59
Speaker
but We lowered the threat from the student. We were able to de-escalate them quickly and move them on to their next assignment without a power struggle. Now, let's think about the student who is maybe shutting down in class.
00:13:13
Speaker
Student's just frozen. They're staring at their paper. an escalated response might be, why aren't you working? i told you to get started five minutes ago. This increases shame, and shame activates the limbic system further.
00:13:28
Speaker
Using the calm's response, calm voice. Approaching the student. I'm here. What do you need? Limit your words with them.
00:13:40
Speaker
And then give one direction. Just write your name. Circle the first problem. one at a time, phrase when the student is doing the right thing. Hey, look at that. You already have your name on the paper.
00:13:54
Speaker
You already have your first problem done. Awesome, keep it up.
00:13:59
Speaker
Freeze isn't laziness. It's oftentimes their brain is overloaded. And small actions re-engage executive functioning.
00:14:10
Speaker
So when you are able to have a small win with a child, you can highlight that win and move them forward rather than harping on what they didn't do.
Self-Regulation for Educators
00:14:21
Speaker
And finally, adult regulation. And here's the piece that we don't talk about enough. As educators, we are managing multiple things at one time.
00:14:33
Speaker
And if we are stressed and our students are stressed, that can create a chaotic environment. So keep in mind that as your heart rate increases, theirs will too.
00:14:47
Speaker
Nervous systems are contagious.
00:14:51
Speaker
Through something called neuroception, the brain is constantly scanning tone, posture, facial expression, pace, and proximity for cues of safety or danger.
00:15:04
Speaker
Students do not just hear your words. They read your body. If your breathing is shallow, your movements are sharp, your voice tightens, their downstairs brain registers that shift instantly.
00:15:19
Speaker
So before responding, take one slow breath. Extend the exhale. a longer exhale activates the chirosympathetic nervous system.
00:15:32
Speaker
And that's the part of the nervous system responsible for calming and restoring balance. Even one intentional breath can lower your own cortisol levels and steady your tone.
00:15:46
Speaker
And that matters more than we realize sometimes.
00:15:53
Speaker
Your nervous system is the anchor in the room. When you slow down, you are lending your regulation to a student. Co-regulation always comes before self-regulation.
00:16:06
Speaker
Children learn how to calm themselves by first experiencing calm in relationships with a regulated adult. That doesn't mean that you won't feel frustrated. It doesn't mean that you won't have a stress response.
00:16:19
Speaker
It means noticing it, pausing, and choosing your next move more intentionally. Sometimes that looks like silently saying to yourself, this is a stress response, not a personal attack.
00:16:34
Speaker
Sometimes it means stepping back physically for a moment so you can steady your breath. And sometimes it might be taking a time out. Could be asking a colleague a colleague for coverage for a few minutes so you can reset.
00:16:49
Speaker
Or even modeling with your students how you can use a calm down corner when you are becoming frustrated.
00:16:58
Speaker
We can't pour regulation from an empty cup. Supporting student regulation requires protecting our own. And when we practice calming ourselves first, we are modeling exactly the skill we want students to build.
00:17:13
Speaker
Students borrow your regulation before they build their own.
00:17:20
Speaker
Escalation equals threat plus power struggle. De-escalation equals safety plus structure. The calms method gives you a structure.
00:17:33
Speaker
Calm your voice, align your body, limit your words, make one direction clear, save consequences for later. Calm first, correct later.
00:17:45
Speaker
So let's connect this to something very real. Think about a morning where you're running late to work. You walk in the door already behind and your administrator immediately starts asking questions about a recess incident.
00:17:58
Speaker
Your child was sick the night before too, so you were up most of the night. You still need to grab stacks for an upcoming youth sports event. Your phone's buzzing. And before you can even sit down, a student art starts knocking things off their desk and tapping their pencil repeatedly.
00:18:12
Speaker
Notice your body in that moment. Your shoulders tighten. Your jaw clenches. Your breathing shortens and your heart rate increases.
00:18:22
Speaker
And you are not thinking at your best.
00:18:27
Speaker
Now, imagine walking into a professional development session without an agenda. You don't know what's coming. You sit down and suddenly everyone stops talking, looks at you and immediately says, go ahead and start internalizing lesson six.
00:18:43
Speaker
How does your body feel? Probably not calm. probably not collaborative, and probably not flexible. That's because your downstairs brain is activating or already activated in those situations.
Managing Personal Stress Responses
00:18:57
Speaker
Even as adults with fully developed prefrontal cortexes, stress narrows our thinking. We become more reactive, less patient, less flexible, more likely to snap, not because we're unprofessional, but because we're human.
00:19:15
Speaker
Now, imagine being six years old, or eight, with a prefrontal cortex that is still under construction, with fewer coping strategies, less sleep, with less power and control over your environment.
00:19:29
Speaker
When we frame behavior through that lens, it doesn't excuse it, but it explains it. And just like we regulate, we struggle to regulate when we're feeling overwhelmed, students struggle to regulate when their nervous systems are overloaded.
00:19:43
Speaker
The difference is we have more life experience, more language, and more autonomy. So when a student starts tapping their pencil or knocking things over and your body is already tight from the morning and the stresses that you've experienced, it makes sense that your tone might sharpen.
00:20:01
Speaker
That's your stress response. And that is why adult regulation matters so much. If we can notice our own activation, even for a second, and take one slow breath, we interrupt the cycle. We prevent two dysregulated nervous systems from escalating each other.
00:20:18
Speaker
Because escalation is rarely one nervous system. It's two. When we calm first, we lower the temperature in the room. When we align our body and limit our words, we protect our own executive functioning as much as the students.
00:20:32
Speaker
We're not robots. We are professionals carrying a lot. And sometimes our downstairs brain gets loud. The goal is not perfection. It's awareness. When we recognize our own stress response, we're able to better choose a response instead of react automatically. And
Conclusion and Future Topics
00:20:49
Speaker
that's powerful.
00:20:50
Speaker
De-escalation is not about being permissive. It's about being neurologically effective. You're not lowering expectations. You're increasing access. And when access increases, learning follows.
00:21:03
Speaker
Pick one part of calms this week. Maybe just calm your voice or limit your words. small ships in Small shifts can change the nervous system. And changed nervous systems change classrooms.
00:21:15
Speaker
We're building this together. i will see you in episode four and we will dive further into more brain science and how to regulate around kids that have experienced trauma and our our own traumas.
00:21:29
Speaker
Thank you guys.