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Peace I Leave with You: Season 1 Finale with Host Amber White
213 Plays1 year ago
It's not goodbye, just goodbye for now! Join me as I share exciting news, answer a few listener questions, and reflect on all the goodness this season has brought.
See you again on March 31, 2024! Happy New Year!
*Listen to the Now I See "Former Faithful Jams" Playlist*
Links:
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Now I See'
00:00:01
Speaker
I was lost in utter darkness I was trapped in toxic shame I was bound by my religion Till I chose to break away
00:00:24
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Now I'm finding my true colors For the first time I feel free Now I'm learning self compassion And as I heal I'm finding peace
00:00:51
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Welcome to Now I See, eye-opening stories from the formerly faithful.
Podcast Goals and Impact
00:00:56
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I'm your host, Amber White, and here, me and my guests share our experiences in loving and leaving rigid faith systems. Together, we shine a light on the dark corners of these institutions and share the joys of rebuilding life on our own terms.
Milestones and Celebrations
00:01:15
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I promise you'll leave inspired, even if you are a little teary-eyed.
00:01:24
Speaker
Hi, and welcome back to Now I See. If you're listening to the finale, you probably already know that I'm your host, Amber White. And if you've been listening for some time, you probably recognize that my voice is a bit off. I am battling a battle of the ick that went around on Christmas, but I'm actually feeling pretty great and I'm glad to have the energy to record this final episode on schedule.
Listener Engagement Initiatives
00:01:54
Speaker
I've been thinking about what I would say in this season finale for weeks, maybe even months. And now that it's here, I still feel at a loss for words. This podcast has changed my life in some pretty incredible ways. And I can hardly believe that we've passed 6,000 downloads in the first season.
00:02:19
Speaker
My big audacious goal was 5,000. So I am amazed by the support and love that you all have shown the show. And I really appreciate it. So as a first season, thank you gift. I am finally sharing the former Faithful Jams playlist I've been talking about since Alana Sabatini's episode in August.
00:02:46
Speaker
You can find the link in the show notes for this episode. It's an eclectic playlist, if nothing else. Many of them are songs shared by former Faithfuls. One was shared by my therapist, and I'd love to hear your guesses as to which one this was. And some are songs that meant a lot to me at one time or another on my journey through post-Faithfulness and navigating the world through that lens.
00:03:16
Speaker
You'll also see a few songs from Now I See Guests that you've heard from so far. So shout out to Alana Sabatini and to Sage Salazar. Your songs are on the list and we're so excited to have them. This is a living playlist. So please feel free to send me some of your favorites. I'd love to include more and just keep this playlist growing as this community grows.
Season Two Announcement
00:03:45
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Next season, I'm also going to have some other ways for us to connect. I'm not sure yet that's going to look like a Facebook group or Discord server. I'm not sure. But look out for that because I am excited to start having more conversations on a regular basis with the people who decided to be a part of this community with me. I am also absolutely
00:04:10
Speaker
over the moon to tell you that there will be a season two of Now I See. I am taking a much needed three month break, but I will be back with more biweekly Sunday episodes and some incredible guests on March 31st, 2024. Yes, that's Easter Sunday, just like season one.
Podcasting Journey and Gratitude
00:04:33
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I imagine I'm going to learn just as much in season two as I did in season one, which is a lot. I now fully run the show, from planning and scheduling, to design and branding, to editing and production.
00:04:50
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And those of you who've done any amount of work in podcasting or production know just how much work that is. So I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who donated to the show or bought merch this season. It helped me get the running start I needed and I appreciate it very much.
00:05:11
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I also appreciate the listener's patience, your patience. As I was learning and growing as an interviewer, editor, and producer, the learning curve has been steep and there have been a few challenges along the way.
Parenting and Religious Exposure
00:05:29
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The biggest one though, for me personally, was learning to open up more and speak my thoughts freely. I am an armored up person.
00:05:42
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I do not walk through the world as casually as I would like. And I sometimes have trouble speaking my mind freely. And this podcast has required me to face my fears about being perceived when I use my voice how I want to.
00:06:01
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And when I say what I want to say, it's made a huge difference in my personal and professional life already. And I can only imagine what this looks like in five years and 10 years. Hopefully easier. We'll see.
00:06:20
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But with that being said, I still am at a point where I'm finding it difficult to pull my thoughts out of thin air. So to close out this season and not leave you hanging, hopefully, I've asked a few active listeners what questions they had for me as this season comes to a close.
00:06:41
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And they had some good ones, but I selected three to keep this brief and to combine some of the overlap in the questions I received.
Family Reactions and Impact
00:06:52
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All right, here we go. The first one comes from Lori, and she says, I grew up Catholic and went to a Catholic school through sixth grade. My arms are mild, relatively speaking, and my mom was not Catholic, so it was always a great buffer.
00:07:10
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But I want my kids to have access to a faith community, but don't know what the balance is. How do you grapple with parenting, Christianity, and all the good and bad that comes with organized religion? Well, that is a hell of a question, Lori. I am not a parent myself, so I'm afraid I don't have a lot of firsthand advice or experience to give here.
00:07:38
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But what I can say from watching other parents in your situation, and from what I've heard them say and the things that they're trying and experimenting with, is that communication is a big deal. Being able to have open conversations about the good and the bad is huge. When I think back to my own experiences of the church
00:08:04
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and of spirituality and Christianity and religion as a whole as a kid, it was on this really untouchable pedestal, raised up above everything else, not to be questioned, not to be examined, and not even to really get that close to, only to kind of conform to and obey
00:08:30
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So for me, watching these other parents and thinking of my own experience as a child, I think the ability to meet your children's questions, especially the more challenging ones, even if your answer is, I don't know, maybe we should think about that together. That's a huge deal. And that leaves the lines of communication and trust wide open for mutual exploration of something that might be really hard.
00:09:00
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And I think it's great for any parent that wants their children to have a good view of a religion that they're familiar with or that they want them to have. I don't see anything wrong with that. And I encourage everyone to be on a spiritual journey of their own, where they're working things out for themselves and they're thinking and feeling in their body. I think as long as you're providing an opportunity for that, you're probably doing the best that you can.
00:09:29
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And I think that's enough. But again, I'm not a parent. I don't know. But I've seen a lot of parents really wrestling with this. Really, really, really wrestling with their own traumatic experiences with religion, their own questions about it. But then also wanting to make sure their kids don't grow up angry at something they don't fully understand. So that's a tough one.
00:09:58
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The way that I parent myself through this challenge of balancing the good and the bad and holding space for religious experiences that are valid and important to people while still questioning it.
00:10:12
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is to just embrace the I don't know of it all and to know myself and to know what I think is right and good and run everything through that filter. Maybe I don't believe the same way that someone who's had this experience does, but does that make them any less human to me?
00:10:39
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Of course not. I hope not. I hope that's not who I become. I hope I embrace people in the world wholeheartedly, regardless of our differences, especially differences that aren't causing harm. And I think I have the privilege of knowing you a little bit, Lori. And so my guess is that you already provide this kind of environment.
00:11:06
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And I think if that's the case, as I suspect that it is, your kids are really lucky and you're probably doing a really great job. I don't know if that's the answer you were looking for, but as someone who's not a parent, I'm afraid that's the only answer I have. That is a good one though. And I would love to hear from our listeners who are working through religious trauma and parenting, and you're trying to navigate, do we go to church? Do we not go to church?
00:11:36
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I want to hear from you. Please reach out, send a message on the website, and just let me know how you're doing that, what that feels like for you. I would love to hear more about your experiences and what you've been doing, and I'll try to pass those along to Lori.
Personal Growth and Family Estrangement
00:11:53
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All right, our next question comes from Meg, and she probably asked what I would consider to be the toughest question.
00:12:05
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It's something that I haven't talked about too much on the show. It's quite painful. But she asks, has any of your family listened to your podcast? If so, what was the reaction? I'd heard that there was a lot of contention after you announced that you were doing this. Has there been any change of heart on their side?
00:12:30
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Oh, this is a two-fold question. So we're gonna start with the positive. We're gonna move into the challenging.
00:12:38
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Positive responses have been great. My aunt and uncle on my dad's side have listened. My cousin, their daughter has listened, which is absolutely sweet to me. I love her. And my paternal grandmother has listened. My dad and stepmom, they have all given me very positive responses. I think in a lot of ways they were surprised.
00:13:06
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But the negative feedback is also there the surprise but with support and then there's the how dare you crowd and The how dare you crowd has been very how dare you? Very how dare you things like well, I guess I'm not gonna question your relationship with God but Which we all know what that means, right?
00:13:31
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And then there's that I'm a liar, that I am bitter and resentful and that I threw my maternal family under the bus on a global platform. Thank you for the vote of confidence, by the way. On a global platform, um, attacked, has been thrown around a little bit and
00:14:00
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It brought a relationship with my maternal family, the family I grew up with. It really brought a cycle, as long as I hold to it, to an end. Once I left the church,
00:14:17
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I left fairly dramatically. I think it felt that way, at least. For me, it had been a long time coming. I brought it up. I had mentioned wanting to go to other churches. I've been fighting to the nail-defitter school to find a school to go to. I had made it very clear what my intentions were, and I was getting a lot of pushback on that. So for me, by the time I left, it felt like, how could you not see? Or how could we not have a conversation about this that isn't a fight?
00:14:46
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me being belittled or receiving less than support for trying to go and get an education.
00:14:54
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But for them, it felt like out of nowhere. And I've heard this a few times. It seemed like it came out of the blue. It seemed like it came out of nowhere. And part of that is my, at the time I had very poor communication skills and bringing up anything that would be divisive was very difficult. And so I had very subtle ways of doing that. But then there were times that I was also very direct and my directness has only ever received pushback.
00:15:23
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So when being direct doesn't pay, I found other avenues and turns out when people don't want to hear you, there's no way to communicate at all. So that leaving started a long and pretty vicious cycle of what has probably felt for both of us at times like betrayal and cruelty.
00:15:51
Speaker
It's not a relationship that has ever been easy. There have been many, many, many hurts over the years. I've shed a lot of tears. I'm very proud of the risks that I've taken and the ways that I've tried, even if they didn't always turn out the way that I hoped. And that's not always the feedback.
00:16:20
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that you get from the family that just wants you to stay there and do what they want in the way that makes them feel good. So it's been at times an incredibly lonely road and that's been true of this show. Once this came out, I had a phone call with my mom and
00:16:44
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It was vicious, very difficult, very painful, but it was one of the first times I have ever been able to fully hold my ground and not cater to hard feelings. It was one of the few times in conversations that we've had around topics like this that I truly stood up for myself
00:17:12
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that I did not avoid having to stand up for myself and didn't avoid saying things directly, regardless of the outcome of that. And it's led to us being on a very limited contact basis. And that's nothing new to most of my guests and a lot of people who had similar experiences to mine, but it is difficult
00:17:41
Speaker
No contact, very limited contact, limited contact. Taking a step back, all of those things are brutally painful. They will wreck you. A lot of tears have been shed, a lot of painful memories have resurfaced, a lot of good memories have resurfaced that are now twinged with the pain of where our relationship stands.
00:18:09
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But the craziest thing has happened. And since we've gone no contact, since I've stood my ground, since I've continued to do this and put myself out there and do what I know I was supposed to do here, I'm a lot stronger for it.
Breaking Cycles and Personal Happiness
00:18:28
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And I'm a lot happier. Despite this wrecking me, I am a lot happier. I feel more confident in going after things.
00:18:40
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I don't worry as much about decisions that I'm going to make. I am living and enjoying living and breathing and moving forward. It feels really good to put things in perspective. So the reaction was bad and now we don't talk. We send each other a Christmas text, but I wouldn't say there's been a change of heart.
00:19:09
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I don't really, I don't really know. I don't know that I'm ready to find out. I know that I'm okay. I know that I'm really, really proud of the work that I've put into this show. I am proud that I listened to the calling to do it. And I'm proud that I've held my ground in so many ways. I hope that answers your question.
00:19:39
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It's been tough. And you know, even on my side of the family that's not religious, I've heard some negativity, right? I've heard, I'm worried that you're living in the past and I just want you to be happy. And to that I say, what could be more moving into the future than taking the things from the past and bringing together a community to heal and be together and move upon? To me it feels like the future and it's exciting.
00:20:09
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And I'm working toward a healing journey with my therapist that means that I get to just experience joy without worrying when the other shoe is going to draw. And I get to experience life and being at ease and just living without freaking out all the time.
00:20:31
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Maybe I'm rambling, maybe I'm talking in circles, but I told you I wasn't scripting this now. It's just going off the cuff. So this is what you get. I wish I knew how to put all this more succinctly and maybe I should have written it all down, but that's where it stands. It's very difficult to talk about, but that's the truth of it. And that's what's happening. And it's been a big part of what's been going on behind the scenes, but it's been, I think an important part of the journey.
Awareness of Church Dynamics
00:21:01
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I had a moment with it where I remember saying to my therapist, this could be the last time this cycle ever has to happen. This could just be the end of it. This could be the last time I go back and try again and sacrifice myself in the altar of keeping everybody else happy except myself. And I think that's the journey I'm on. I think that cycle stops now so that I can
00:21:28
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start moving forward instead of always doing loopy loops around the same shit. Our last guest question is from Joanne, who is my dear mother-in-law, who I love very much. And she says, how have you been surprised or what have you learned from both the positive and negative responses of those you've encountered on this journey who hold different beliefs?
00:21:59
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And that is a loaded question, Joanne, I appreciate it.
00:22:03
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I think what I've been surprised by is that regardless of where you are on the spectrum of religion, whether you're devout or not, whether you're reconciling after deconversion or you're in the middle of it, wherever you are on that spectrum, nobody seems to be unaware of the gross injustices, the abuse, or the unchecked power that the church holds.
00:22:33
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in communities, in politics, in schools. Nobody is unaware of this. The most devout people that I've talked with are acutely aware that terrible injustices have happened in churches that they themselves have been a part of. The difference that I see in the people on that spectrum are the ones who are willing to acknowledge it
00:22:58
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talk about it and try to pull it out. And the people who want to say, well, bad things happen everywhere and cover it up. And I think that's very dangerous where churches are concerned. Anytime power is involved, I think it's a big concern.
Reconciling with Faith Critically
00:23:12
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But my job here is to focus on churches and religion, right? That's what I do.
00:23:18
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And for me, when I think about churches and the power that they hold, it's not just political, it's not just societal. Those things are great and they do have a lot of influence there. It's also spiritual. So you're really hitting people in all these levels. You have all this power. And it goes unchecked because it's such a normal part of our society.
00:23:42
Speaker
Churches are communities, churches do all this good. You're not gonna question God. These are good church-going people. This is our life, especially here in the South. You don't touch churches. You don't tax them. You don't question them. You don't get into their business. You let them get in yours, but you don't get in theirs. And where me and most of my guests differ from
00:24:05
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some of the negative responses I've seen, is that we are willing to question that. Even if we're still devout, even if we're still churchgoers, even if we still read our Bibles, we pray, all of those things, we're willing to look at a church that's covering up sexual abuse and say, absolutely not. This is unacceptable and here's why. They're also willing to accept that if you're a Bible follower, you read your Bible, you're trying to follow what you consider to be God's word.
00:24:35
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Whether you like it or not, you are negotiating with that text every single day. You are deciding what parts of it you're going to include and what you're not on a regular basis and what still matters culturally or not. If you're taking all of this literally, there are some things you're not doing. And the folks that I have on the show who are working towards reconciliation with their faith can see that very clearly.
00:25:05
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And they're willing to say, yes, I am negotiating with this text. Here are the parts of it that I think still really matter than I want to live my life by. Here are the parts of it that I don't. And they're willing to say that. Whereas I find the folks who are clinging to the literalness of it and to
00:25:25
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having it be perfectly in line with it at all times, they're not willing to recognize that they're negotiating with that text and that there are some things they're choosing and some things that they're not. And it's one of the reasons I love the title of the show. It's one of the reasons I chose the title of the show. Now I see you just, your eyes get open to certain things and then you start making decisions from a clear headed place with your eyes open and the lights on.
00:25:54
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And I think it's really beautiful to see people who do that, who do reconcile with their faith, with the lights on, with their eyes open. It's really neat.
Podcast Creation and Personal Growth
00:26:05
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And I think it has surprised me how much I move by that, even if I'm not particularly interested in it for myself. For the positive responses I've received, gosh, I think I've just been surprised by how many of them there are.
00:26:20
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There's so many people out there wounded, hurting, unsure of how to move forward, stuck in this tough place. So many of us trying to work it out and there's so many of us struggling when we realize that it might not. I had just been so surprised by how excited people have been about the show and about hearing these stories.
00:26:44
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and about being part of it, it's been very moving to me and it has given me some purpose and what felt like a lot of purposeless pain for a really long time. So yeah, I hope that, once again, very roundabout answers your question. All right, lastly,
00:27:10
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I thought it would be fun to sign off answering adapted versions of the question I ask every guest on every episode. Because I love the questions, and I think they're very insightful. So first, what do I see clearly now at the end of the first season that I didn't see at the beginning? And that's a tough one, because I had 13 years before this started to look and see.
00:27:40
Speaker
More than ever, I think I just see that we're not alone, regardless of the particulars of our situation or how alienating it feels. I know so many of us out there still feel, I'm 30, almost 35 years old. And I still feel that twinge of like loneliness and pain when somebody asked me about a cultural reference that most people know and I don't. It's still just, oh, it just eats at me.
00:28:11
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the loneliness that comes with feeling so disconnected from the culture, so disconnected from the world that is when you are now part of it, is very real. And so having a community of people that all understand that feeling kind of helps replace it. And it's been really beautiful and
00:28:33
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I just love seeing and knowing that we're not alone. There are people who've experienced what you've experienced. It's a really beautiful thing. Also, I would say I see clearly now how important it is to stand your ground and to realize that people might throw trash at you, but it's going to end up right where it belongs in the bin.
00:29:00
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And that's all right. You can let that happen and you're going to be okay because it is not your job to fix that. It's your job to focus on you and to do what you know you need to do. All right. My voice is starting to get really sore. So last question, what have been some of my greatest moments of joy in creating and hosting this podcast?
00:29:26
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Man, I could do another half hour or more on this. It's been one of the greatest joys of my life to do this show. I have made incredible connections with incredible people who have taught me more than the last 13 years combined. I've learned methods of coping
00:29:51
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I've learned pushing through when it feels impossible. I've learned to be consistent with myself. I've learned to be consistent with standing my ground.
00:30:06
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I've been really good at doing that for other people, for companies, for boyfriends, for girlfriends, for anyone in the world, and terrible at doing it for myself. And this podcast has really helped me learn what it can look like when you do that. It's been really beautiful. And I'd say the greatest joy for me in it all
00:30:31
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has been to be able to provide a platform for others to share their stories and use their voice. The impact that doing this has on some of my guests, especially ones who are telling their story for the first time is great. And it never ceases to just fill me full of energy and excitement and passion to keep doing this and to build a body of work
00:31:01
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that helps create change by empowering people to live their lives on their own terms and to see things for themselves and process it through their own lens when they've been disconnected from it. It has brought me more joy than I know how to express.
00:31:25
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one of my guests caught a tattoo after they recorded with me because it was a healing moment for them and they wanted to document it permanently and I just think that's the coolest thing in the entire world and I'm so excited by it and I just it brings me a lot of joy to think that I've made any kind of positive impact on other people's lives. I've also found a lot of joy in learning how to
00:31:53
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do this podcast in a balanced way because I am the type that's like, no, we're gonna do a weekly show with no breaks. I will do it all myself and I will have a thriving social media platform. No, absolutely not. I have found a lot of joy in realizing that I can have something wonderful on a timeline that works for me and that's a first. I usually run myself into the ground and then wonder why I don't wanna do things anymore.
00:32:22
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but I've been sustaining myself through this by only offering a biweekly episode, only offering 20 episodes, only offering so much not changing things all the time, keeping to a format that I can stick to episode to episode. It's been beautiful and a really important moment that has brought me a lot
00:32:46
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of joy in this process and I think will help me maintain joy in this process.
Thanking Supporters and Future Plans
00:32:52
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So I want to say a final
00:32:58
Speaker
Massive thank you for all of the support, financial, emotional, spiritual, even physical at times with people who've helped me with editing or helped me figure things out. I just appreciate it. I appreciate it so much. And I'm so glad that you're here and I'm so glad that we're going to keep doing this together because I think we have a lot more to learn.
00:33:25
Speaker
And I think it's going to be great. And I think we're going to keep bringing awareness to this issue, to these issues. And I think we're going to keep creating change one person at a time. I think we're going to keep empowering people one person at a time. And I'm excited about it. And I look forward to seeing you in season two.
00:33:59
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in to this episode and being on this journey with me. You can find resources and links in the show notes. If you're enjoying the show, please subscribe, rate and review, and follow along on social media to help us grow.
00:34:14
Speaker
Now I See is independently funded by me. If you'd like to help support the show, you can donate directly or purchase a merch item on the website. Music for this episode was made by Alana Sabatini, a former faithful and talented musician. And finally, this podcast is made possible by the incredible team at Softer Sounds, a feminist podcast studio for entrepreneurs and creatives providing technical skill with tender support.