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Crushes Part 2: Dried Fish Lips
34 Plays22 days ago
In Part 2 of the Crushes conversation, Janice and Suzanne leave the tiny Squamish dating pool behind and enter the much more confusing world of university, city boys, hidden relationships, bad dates, and figuring out what actually matters in a partner. From awkward first kisses and “dried fish lips” to spilled water, secret boyfriends, and the very specific panic of wondering whether someone will actually understand your Asian-ness. Basically, the messy, funny, sometimes cringey path from teenage fantasy to adult clarity.
Along the way, they unpack what it felt like to be too Asian for some people, not Asian enough for others, and why being truly seen can feel like the biggest green flag of all. It’s a nostalgic, hilarious, and surprisingly tender look at dating, identity, cultural expectations, and the hard-earned realization that maybe there are finer things in life than chasing a boyfriend.
Timestamps
- 00:28 — Leaving the Tiny Squamish Dating Pool
- 02:34 — Hidden Relationships and Learning What You Want
- 05:58 — Code-Switching, Culture, and Dating
- 09:56 — Too Asian, Not Asian Enough
- 14:24 — Moms, Matchmaking, and “Someone Really Buff?”
- 18:11 — Dried Fish Lips
- 18:50 — Spilled Water and the Biggest Green Flag
- 21:16 — When Chemistry Does Not Translate
- 24:21 — Advice to Younger Selves: Find a New Hobby
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Transcript
Introduction to Early Dating Experiences
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome, everyone. We really enjoyed our last conversation about early experiences of dating and just crushes in general. And we are not done the conversation. far from. I think we had so much more.
University Life and Being Single
00:00:19
Speaker
We talked about teenage and then now we want to talk about, you know, our early adulthood and what that experience was like for us.
00:00:28
Speaker
What was really exciting for me to start off with? was entering university. i felt like a new person. I don't know about you, but I was like, you know, oh, I'm moving to the city. I'm leaving the small town. I'm going into the big city where there's so many more Asians, specifically Chinese people that maybe I could interact with. and get myself involved with. I was really excited but scared going in, you know, a little bit more single. i was dating someone in the, I think, first year, but then afterwards I was single. So I was really excited. Was that like that for you?
00:01:04
Speaker
Almost exactly
Small Town Dating Challenges
00:01:05
Speaker
the same. I came out of high school dating somebody And then after like a year or so in the city, then, you know, we broke up and i was free to roam, ah experience different relationships, which was really exciting for me because Squamish was so small in that sense, where our dating pool or people we could actually be with, it was quite limited.
00:01:28
Speaker
Did you have a lot of learning experiences after, you know, the all the high school dating experience? Because I think you know, as you're young, you don't really have, this might sound bad, but you don't really have standards.
00:01:43
Speaker
You're just like, i like you, you like me. Why don't you like me? I like you. That kind of mentality. How important has it been for you to, you know, have someone maybe understand your cultural background or your new principle way of thinking of dating?
Learning Relationship Standards
00:02:00
Speaker
Pretty soon after I had broken up with that boyfriend in high school, I was working with someone who really taught me how I should want to be treated.
00:02:10
Speaker
i think the the relationship that I was in coming out of high school was very toxic and I didn't know any better. It was really hard to let go of, but when I met this person after and kind of just really opened my eyes because he treated me well. Was this a boyfriend that you were seeing or this was someone you're like a friend? It was. ah Okay. First of I know what that means.
00:02:34
Speaker
yeah I don't know if you ever had to hide a relationship from your family, but this was one of the relationships I hid from mine because he was 13 years older than me.
00:02:45
Speaker
Okay. Yeah, I know. yes Okay. And we went right And ah let's just say he was overall pretty well experienced, I think.
00:02:57
Speaker
um also and i I definitely hid it from my family because it wasn't a relationship that I ever felt like I'm going to marry this person.
00:03:08
Speaker
You know, right it felt like it wasn't your person. No. And I felt like he was my transition from being in a small town to being in the city and learning.
00:03:19
Speaker
what that meant to me in terms of what was I actually looking for in a person. It was very eyeopening. And I learned so much from that relationship. I think that was like the pivoting relationship in, in all of my adulthood is like, that's where it started. I have to say that's where it started. How about you? That's really
Cultural Exchange in Relationships
00:03:39
Speaker
interesting.
00:03:39
Speaker
i did. i had, I hid all of my relationships. from like All of them. Yeah. I think, well, okay. No, but like after my high school, I think my high school one, like i i couldn't hide that one anymore because he was one year older and he asked me to go to his prom.
00:03:59
Speaker
And i at that point, I didn't even tell my parents that, you know, we were dating. I just said, oh there was a boy that asked me to go to his prom. Can I go? and I think maybe, maybe my mom like took the hint and then Because when he picked me up for prom, that was the first time they met him. And his mom came too to like, I guess, chaperone.
00:04:24
Speaker
And yeah, it was really weird. So then they both parents met. Also really weird. and then And then we dated for a while. And then so I think my parents accepted him.
00:04:35
Speaker
He was also very nice because he was open to our culture. Like he would eat whatever we made. He was really open-minded. He even tried to learn some of the, you know, the language that we spoke. Not that saying my parents' English was, you know, hard or difficult to understand, but you know, it was just ah exchanging cultures, right? i vividly remember a long time ago, i would talk to his dad and he was like, so what's what's like Chinese music like? And I'm like, oh. And then he's like he's like, what are you listening to? And I was really into my Chinese music.
00:05:13
Speaker
Like I would still listen to like Zhang Hoyao, you know, people that were top ah early 2000 at that time. So I would had that on my playlist. And then, so he was listening to Chinese pop music for the first time Cantonese pop music for the first time he's like and he's like this has been around for a long time like yeah yeah I'm like I don't know how to explain it to you but I'm like it's just different language in a music right and and and he was like listening to it he's like oh this is very interesting like I don't even know if it was a good interesting or bad interesting but he wanted to keep like listening to it and and he's like huh
00:05:47
Speaker
That's he's like, I think it was just his first time hearing it because he is not exposed to it.
Cultural Background in Dating
00:05:52
Speaker
Doesn't even know where to like even get hold of this kind of music. where Whereas I'm like, yeah, I just go to Chinatown.
00:05:58
Speaker
ah and I wouldn't find all that kind of music. So that's how I like switch codes, right? in In my mind, like switching Western mindset versus an Asian mindset in a relationship, because I had a lot of, i guess, Chinese things that I would do, watch the shows, listen to the music, the food, the the thought process, and then I would have to explain that to whoever I was dating at that time. And sometimes I would be hesitant of how much I would share of like my cultural background. I have to see how receptive they are. But I think after that relationship and I moved to, you know, the city and started university, i actually did think to myself, um i I kind of want to date someone that would speak the same language, maybe have the same mindset, because I didn't i don't know what that's like. I've always just had the Caucasian people that I would date.
00:06:57
Speaker
And I would just always have to slowly ease them in like, oh yeah, this is chicken feet, you might not like this, but you should try it. And then after I met my husband, i don't have to explain anything. we just we just you know we just know. and and I was like, huh, that's kind of nice.
00:07:14
Speaker
Yeah, I cannot relate.
00:07:19
Speaker
i can't relate only because i wasn't that immersed. i I, you know, I had the cultural background in terms of the mindset specifically about manners. So ah yes, I hear you in in the sense that it's definitely must have been nice to find someone that you could just relate to like deep down. The only reason why I would have considered dating an Asian person was because I was looking for someone who had really good manners.
00:07:47
Speaker
And a lot of the Asian men that I had met along the way, they had such good manners. You know, they treated women. So that was like a criteria? No, just, that was like one of the things that I always noticed about Asian men. That I was like, oh, he has really good manners. I don't know. It was something that I i i just noticed, like if I had...
00:08:08
Speaker
a friend who was Asian. I got that from that person. And I was thinking, oh, that's kind of nice, but I'm not interested in you at all. Like in terms of physical, emotional, I was like, no, thanks.
00:08:21
Speaker
That's one of the biggest things that I, and that I noticed when we were young that I was thinking that would be nice. I think I know where you're talking about because when my husband had met my family for the first time, he was already with us at our place and we were we were having hot pot for dinner. He got up and just immediately greeted my mom. Usually it's like, you know, the daughters and like, oh, greeting, but like he was the first one to go and greet my mom. He immediately had that, I guess, hosting behavior.
00:08:55
Speaker
He would just like be very attentive, like just be very respectful. And I was yeah really shocked about that. I was like oh, I didn't even like tell him to do any of those things. But then again, he's also the second person that's ever met my family. You know, the other one, you know, we're just kids. You don't know what to do when you're just kids. But me, I was like, oh, if I'm meeting someone's parent for the first time, then i should bring something. You know, again, Asian mentality. where He's like, you should always bring a gift. i mean, I didn't bring a fruit basket, brought like flowers, or I said I should bring something. And then even when i was meeting my husband's other family, I'm like, I need to bring something. So I think even when we went back to like Taiwan for the family, I brought, i brought Canadian smoked salmon and maple syrup. We didn't eat into the stereotypes. Right.
00:09:49
Speaker
Hi. Yeah, I don't what else to bring you. And then, yeah, like enjoy.
00:09:56
Speaker
I think sometimes when I was meeting new guys and just seeing how they are. Yeah, i did I still didn't have a preference at that time of who I would date. I just wanted someone who was I think open minded was really important because I think sometimes people people would see me and they think like she looks too Asian or something. Like I don't look that Western. i think because I immerse myself a lot in in the Asian culture, maybe I would be too Asian for someps for some guys. And then for other Chinese guys, maybe I wasn't Asian enough. I didn't fall in a certain category. And then of course, when I met my husband, he's like, oh, you're from Squamish. He's like, oh, he also liked the fact that, you know, I had
00:10:42
Speaker
a bit of a balance because he was the same
Rejecting Cultural Elements
00:10:44
Speaker
way too. So in the end it was, you know, it was a ah match. Now that I'm really thinking about it, i probably rejected a lot of the things that would make me Asian. um Like make me seem Asian. I think that i rejected a lot of those things when I was young or, or I refused to show those things and didn't want to take part in those things because my Asian-ness was, was so rejected by the community that we were living in.
00:11:13
Speaker
Probably that's what one of the reasons why i didn't I didn't want to go to Chinese school. I didn't want to see any more Asian people. I didn't want to date an Asian man. i was thinking, you know, I think it was, especially when we were in Squamish, it was so deep rooted in me that to be Asian was to be other. And I really didn't want to be othered.
00:11:36
Speaker
And even though I enjoyed i i enjoyed watching my you know Chinese shows with my parents at home when we were living in Squamish, I really loved that time. I think it was a time for connection that I didn't really get. That's probably the biggest reason why I i had like a full on rejection in the very beginning of all Asian men when I was dating. It it was just not in my realm. And um But I did also find that when I was dating people, I wasn't dating people who could so easily be categorized as Canadian.
00:12:12
Speaker
My high school boyfriend and the the person who switched my way thinking with dating, those are the only Caucasian men I have ever really dated, like white Canadians. All the other ones had a different cultural background. And I think maybe that's what I needed. i needed somebody who, you know, had a different cultural background that could understand that was not just open to Asian culture, but just open in general. I don't want to talk too much about husbands because I know we're going to have to go into it later. But I think that that was one of the biggest things that I found in my husband was the openness because he's from a small town also, like a very, very small town in Spain.
00:12:47
Speaker
But he traveled so much and lived in so many different places that he's like the definition of open-minded.
Openness and Boundaries in Modern Dating
00:12:53
Speaker
I didn't... have many people who were open-minded when we were young around me right so we were just uh we were adjusting ourselves around their their environment 100 their families i always felt hesitant when someone asked like about you know something about our asian culture like oh so what do you guys like to do or if they had any questions about it i'm like i don't want to have to explain it not because i didn't want to explain it but i don't want to scare them. i think I think the scariest part is like what type of food we eat.
00:13:25
Speaker
Because I'm like, it's not, it doesn't sound delicious, but it obviously is. if we eat the fish, we eat the whole fish. We include everything, you know, innards, tribes, like whatever. we just eat all of that, right? Even now, I'm just thinking about it. can I don't know if you hear like the hesitation in my voice. I'm like, yeah, it just gave me, it gave me the ick to have to explain it to them. When I'm Thinking about dating now though, if I had to go back to my younger self and tell myself like what should I be looking for or how to approach? I remember think I told my mom this because she because she was like, oh, you're you're single now. and for some reason, she I think she was excited for me that I was single too possibly meeting someone. and She's like, who you going to, you know, what do you think your next partner is going to look like? And I said, I want someone who's active, right? Like athletically. and and I'm not saying they have to be like super jacked and going to the gym all the time. I just wanted someone who likes to stay active.
00:14:24
Speaker
And I wanted someone... who has like a good healthy lifestyle. I think that's what I said in the beginning. and i was like, and I said maybe someone Asian because I'd never dated one before. I know that's weird to say and I'm not trying to ah have a preference of race, but i've just I just never dated someone the same same as me before and I really wanted to have that experience. and then And then my mom's like, oh, so someone really buff? And I'm like, that's what you got out of my conversation?
00:14:49
Speaker
like, oh my goodness. Wow. She wants to live vicariously through you. She wanted a buff husband. Maybe. I have no idea. Okay, so now you're making me think about the conversations that I had with my mom. And I do remember every time I was single and and I would tell her like, oh, you know, I i broke up with whoever. um She'd be like, I you.
00:15:14
Speaker
you know, yeah you ever think you ever think about dating an Asian man? They know how to take care of their woman. i was like, you know, I want rawr. I want like spark. want like, but I mean like bold. I want someone who's more, I wanted somebody who was more like. Who's scared. I see what I want and I'm going to take what I want, you know? yeah And at the time, any Asian man I met was just so damn polite. They were just so polite.
00:15:41
Speaker
And I was thinking to myself, like, you want to kiss me? Just go in and kiss me, you know? like ah um which funny Which is funny because when my husband, when we first started dating, when he did that, i was like, oh, wait a second. What are you doing? I didn't give consent. Like, what are you doing?
00:16:01
Speaker
That was like my main thing, I think. when i when when my Every time my mom, you know, she would say, you know, you should go date an Asian man. i my My friend's son is is single. And, you know, he has a good job. And he's trying to match with you. trying to with you.
00:16:16
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, he she tried to matchmake almost everybody. Like my sisters and I, I'm pretty sure she tried at some point with all of us to say like, oh, you're single.
00:16:28
Speaker
You ever thought, you know, maybe you should date an Asian man because they're they're in our culture. You know, they understand us. Just the typical Asian auntie, you know, the very... That's ah amazing. say But it was your mom. It was my mom. Yeah. Well, I mean, to other people, she's an Asian auntie. But ah I wish I could be... in her body to like feel her her thoughts and her feelings just knowing that none of her daughters married asian or ended up with an asian man right because she wanted it so bad before we wrap up here well tell me what's one of the like memorable or funniest dating experiences To be honest, you probably know that more than me. because i my my greatest um i
Humorous Bad Date Stories
00:17:15
Speaker
don't want to expose you like that, but you haven I'm sure you must have other stories that you that's memorable to you.
00:17:22
Speaker
What I know is more memorable to me. I'd have to think about that. You go first. Let me think on that. memorable. Okay, I'll do a bad one. It was like my first Asian guy going on a date. And I was kind of nervous because he seemed really like city boy. Like he drives a nice car. He knows how to drive. He's really picky about his driving because he's like, Oh, my dad's like a driving instructor. So I'm like, so he was really overly confident in his driving. So I think one time I looked over in the shoulder, just like checking if there's a car. He's like, don't do that. Because that makes me feel like you don't have confidence in my driving. i'm like, I'll just look straight. Weird.
00:17:58
Speaker
Whatever. That's a little bit of a red flag right there. Yeah. And then i think he really wanted to kiss me and i I wasn't feeling it. But at the same time, I wanted him to stop talking.
00:18:11
Speaker
so i So I gave him the kiss, but it was the worst kiss I've ever had. oh no. it Like, I just think I'm like, oh my God, it was like dried fish lips. Oh no. I wish he had chapstick on. i was like, oh, this is not good. I'm like, this needs to stop right now.
00:18:31
Speaker
And then he's like, oh, that was a really nice kiss. was like, thanks. Glad it was good for you. okay Your turn. If I'm really thinking about it, I think about my, my husband. I can think of one of your husband and that's what you told me.
00:18:50
Speaker
Okay. Do you want me to say it? Yeah, it was good. Okay. Well, the, so I think it was my first date, um, with my husband that was like super sweet. we So we went out to the Nam and he was such a gentleman. He was so sweet. He was so kind, not just to me, but the people around me, which I thought was so lovely. And he was also a little bit clumsy. he seemed a little bit nervous, which I thought kind of sweet. You know, he was talking and then he made a hand gesture and he knocked over this glass of water and it spilled everywhere. And right away, he looked at me, was Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And then he looked over to the to the table beside us and said, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Because he realized that it splashed all the way over. he's And so he got up and he started cleaning everything and asking, can i have tissues?
00:19:40
Speaker
But I thought that was really cute because that was really... um glad It was messy, but cute. Yeah,
Memorable First Dates
00:19:46
Speaker
messy, but cute. And it kind of, it really showed me he is kind and he takes care and he actually considers other people. The fact that I could speak and I felt like I was speaking to someone that I had known my entire life. but I have said that before. And that's really what the feeling was, is that I could, I could laugh the deep belly laughs that he made me laugh because so do he was just, he's just a hilarious human being. He is.
00:20:15
Speaker
He is. He really is. And also gave me the butterflies. ah um And it made me feel the spark because I could talk about my childhood and how I felt rejected or othered in my childhood. And he literally then and there reciprocated.
00:20:32
Speaker
He reciprocated just like that. I felt the same way. I had the exact same experience. I know exactly what talking about. Oh, wow. And I think that that was like a big thing for me to feel seen. Right. Yeah.
00:20:44
Speaker
I was sitting here as you were talking and I was thinking, what's a good staying story? And that's the only, I could just see him sitting in front of me spilling the water. And that was literally all I could think about. And well, that makes me sound really bad because I didn't talk about my dating experiences. My husband.
00:21:03
Speaker
I was going to save that for the next one. im sorry. Okay. Let's scratch that. I'm going to say a bad one. bad one is like the mean one here.
00:21:16
Speaker
um Okay. A bad one. Let's think of a bad one. Like a really bad one. Okay.
Awkward Chemistry in Relationships
00:21:21
Speaker
There was this guy. We went on a few dates and we connected really, really well in an emotional sense. ah Conversationally, we got to got along really, really well. So eventually, you know, we started moving to the next level. We were kissing, which felt great. And then it was the worst intercourse. It was the worst sex of my life. Oh, my It was the most awkward. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
00:21:49
Speaker
I don't know who this is. Okay. But the worst part is is, that because we both felt that connection, we tried a second time. And was it was worse.
00:22:01
Speaker
It was worse than the first. Oh, no. And then we just never spoke after that. Oh, my God.
00:22:13
Speaker
Okay, that's pretty funny. yeah We just, built the dried fish lips. I think it was like the mutual ghosting. That's so funny that you guys were both on the same page. 100%. And I think that that was, I think that's why we tried it for a second time because we both felt the same thing. Like we get along so well, but why doesn't it work like this? And then it just, no, it was so bad. Thanks for sharing. That's amazing.
00:22:41
Speaker
us That has to be the funniest story I've ever heard of.
00:22:46
Speaker
Oh my God. In other words, kids don't have sex.
Confidence and Boundaries in Young Generation
00:22:54
Speaker
Sparks aren't the only things, you know, you just don't, don't trust every connection you have. That's all I'm going to say. I think, yeah, I do feel that this, this day and age, like the younger generation, when they date, they just have so much confidence and they know what they want in like a mental aspect like don't I remember I met this one girl I think I might have mentioned this before too that she said like don't try to kiss she went on date with a guy she straight up says she's like don't try to kiss me don't try to make a move tonight blah blah blah I'm like wow I would be too scared to say that on a first date but yeah at the same time like why wouldn't I say that on a first date be like I don't want you to do this don't want to do that like we're purely just going for coffee and that's it ah usually
00:23:39
Speaker
Back in the day, you'd be like, you know, trying to be as, I guess, not submissive, but you tried to be as compromising, as open-minded to guys, you know, taking you out on a date. But nowadays to like have to, setting those boundaries, I'm like, yeah, i would totally want my daughter to do that. And I would also want my son to respect that as well too.
00:24:02
Speaker
But I'm also not excited for them to date. So I don't even want to talk about them dating.
00:24:10
Speaker
It's going to happen sooner than we think. Oh, God, don't say that. All right. Wrapping up this episode, um any final thoughts of what you would tell your younger self?
Advice to Younger Selves About Dating
00:24:20
Speaker
Oof.
00:24:21
Speaker
Too much. What would I tell my younger self with dating? If you do it, go for it. If you don't, just stop. Stop all your head.
00:24:33
Speaker
Don't try it a second time.
00:24:39
Speaker
i I would tell myself, I'm like, oh my god there there are more finer things in life than dating. Please find a new hobby. So true. So true. There's a lot more there's um ah a lot more to life than dating finding a boyfriend or for sure. Totally. But we just grew up in that era where like dating was life. Finding a partner was life. And well, yeah, it was the mindset that you graduate from high school, you date somebody, you find out that they're like your life mate, you get married and you have kids like, yeah, you both go through university together. And then when you know, when you start to build your career, it's like, okay, it's time, married, family, blah, blah, blah, right? Yeah, doesn't happen. But yeah.
00:25:23
Speaker
but there're Yeah, try to do more and yeah, have fun and enjoy your life. That's what I would say. Yeah, try like do new things, go travel, go to school in a different, I don't know, different city or something. I actually do wish I went to school in a different city coming thinking back. I was just too scared to be honest. I was too scared to leave our local town. Okay, well, thank you again to the audience for listening to us again.
00:25:50
Speaker
This was such a fun topic and we can't wait to talk about our next episode. So tuned.