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Golfing with Grampy: The Long and Short of Life
84 Plays2 years ago
Graeme reads his short story, "Golfing with Grampy", a story about golf, Grandparents, and life.
Read more at crawlingaroundmybrain.substack.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Stories Announcement
00:00:02
Speaker
Hey everybody and welcome to the Crawling Around My Brain podcast. I'm your host, Graham Brown. And I wanted to start off the show by giving a big thank you to everyone who's been listening to the podcast. I can tell you that it's been a lot of fun making these and I really appreciate the support.
00:00:18
Speaker
I also wanted to thank all of my guests to this point. I've had some really interesting people on talking about things that they're interested in and that I'm also interested in and hopefully you either share those sentiments or maybe I introduced you to something that you hadn't thought of before.
00:00:35
Speaker
This week we're going to take a little bit of a break from the interviews. We'll be back next week with another great guest. I'm really excited for that one. But this week we're going to do a little bit of Graham story time. So for those who may not know, and I'm not sure why you would know, but I've been writing short stories for some time.
00:00:53
Speaker
Most of them have to do with my upbringing or childhood or some specific memory I had from the past. So this is something that I'm going to try out and I will also share that my writing can be found on crawlingaroundmybrain.substack.com. So if you want to go check it out there, you can also just read the story instead of listening to me tell it.
00:01:18
Speaker
But anyway, I really hope you enjoy this and we'll be back next week with a great guest. Thanks, everybody.
Golf Lessons and Caddying Experience
00:01:48
Speaker
You guys should take golf lessons. This was a recurring request for my grandfather. He loved golf, watching it, playing it, and reading about it. The fact that his two eldest grandsons didn't play it was one of his great disappointments. This came from a man whose own son was more Cheech and Chong than Jack or Tiger, but my grandfather saw my brother and me excelling in other sports and thought we should refocus our efforts on, quote, something you can play when you're 60.
00:02:15
Speaker
Everybody knows that every business deal gets done on a golf course. I knew this from an early age because my grandfather repeated that adage every time we were in his midst. Fellas, if you want to make it in this world, you need to golf. It's hard to make a sales pitch on a basketball court, but on a golf course, you have 18 holes to close the deal.
00:02:33
Speaker
While his logic was sound, it just didn't resonate with my brother and me at the pre-workforce ages of 10 and 8. The only deals we were involved in were related to staying up later or negotiating to get our confiscated Nintendo back. Those things happened in the kitchen with my mother, and I knew she didn't play golf. Your mother never listened to me, and now look where she is. We nodded in patriarchal agreement, even though my mother appeared to be leading the family in both professional and financial success.
00:03:02
Speaker
One day, my grandfather took us down to the Farmington Country Club to quote, get us set up. My brother and I were happy to tag along, although we thought it was odd that we weren't going to Wampanoag, the club where he was the membership chairman. I realized later that he was probably too embarrassed to bring us schleps to his actual club. That would only come many years later. We arrived at the Farmington Country Club in my grandfather's Cadillac Seville, or Deville. He swapped out caddies so frequently that it was hard to keep up.
00:03:30
Speaker
As he guided the car across two spots, he leaned over and put a cigarette out in the ashtray. Then he slowly glided the column shifter to pee and turned off the car. He turned around to face us. Now fellas, we're going to pick out some golf clubs in here from my old friend Bob. Let's remember that we were at a country club. We were glad that it was a short speech because without air conditioning, the lingering smoke made it tough to breathe and ash was settling onto our khakis.
00:03:58
Speaker
We understood the message loud and clear. Don't act like morons. That was about as stern as our beloved grandfather would ever get with us. It turns out that clubs weren't the only things we were picking up. We were also getting summer jobs. My grandfather thought it would be a good idea for us to sign up as caddies at the club. It's a great way to learn the sport and you'll make a few bucks. His friend, Bob McGovern, the club pro, begrudgingly agreed to hire us and we began the work the following weekend.
00:04:25
Speaker
It turns out that knowing the game of golf, at even a rudimentary level, is important to be a good caddy. The first thing we didn't realize was that it was possible for a caddy to carry two bags. My brother and I were assigned to a foursome, and unlike on TV, where each caddy only carried one bag, we each had two bags. One slung over each shoulder. Being a prideful duo, we didn't complain and acted like this was exactly what we expected.
00:04:52
Speaker
It was not what we expected. We thought this job would be about driving around golf carts and eating frozen candy bars from the pool snack bar. It turned out that the more seasoned clubbies, the slang term for our indentured servitude, got to drive the carts. It also turned out that there wasn't a pool or snack bar, which eliminated all chances of ice-cold chocolate. But we soldiered on. We had the family name at stake, and this was no time for complaints.
Challenges and Humor in Caddying
00:05:19
Speaker
But then we got to hole 9. It was now time for complaints. When one of my brother's golfers holed out his shot, I took a deep breath and said, good game, guys. The four men in their mid 30s looked confused. Nice round, I said, trying to recall some of my grandfather's golf vernacular. One of the men finally said, oh, we're actually playing 18 holes.
00:05:42
Speaker
I did my best not to share my internal feelings of complete confusion and abject resignation with our, quote, clients, but my face belied my intent. That is, if you're up for it, we can carry our own clubs the rest of the way if you have to turn back. My brother shot me a look, and I barely croaked out, no, I'm good to go.
00:06:02
Speaker
The crappy public course I had played only had nine holes, so I just assumed that this was the maximum number I could possibly carry a bag. I also thought there might be a labor law that prevented children from carrying 150 pounds of golf clubs in 96 degree weather with 80% humidity. If the look on my face hadn't made it obvious that I was gassed, then surely the soaked gray polo shirt and shit-stained cargo shorts did. But we soldiered on.
00:06:28
Speaker
There was a last name to protect, golf clubs to be earned and money to be made. My brother was clearly the favorite on the course. He was a bit quieter and it ascertained that the talking should be left to the players. I was eager to get to know my employers and spoke incessantly, including during back swings. When I wasn't doing that, I was stepping into putting lines, laying bags down on the green and reminding everyone of how grotesquely hot it was outside. It's a real steamer, right?
00:06:57
Speaker
The two guys I was catting for definitely were not looking to me for tips on how to play the 12th hole dogleg left to avoid the traps. If anything, they were trying to avoid me like the plague. Not a bad idea considering I was giving off a very I might die momentarily vibe. When the 18th hole came around, the clubhouse looked like an oasis. I wasn't sure if this was the end. Could they play 27 or even 36 holes? Things were getting blurry.
00:07:23
Speaker
But one thing that was certain, my grandfather was wrong. No 60-year-old businessman could survive these elements, never mind playing a five-hour match on them while negotiating a deal. When we realized the round was over, my brother started washing his golfers' clubs, and I just rolled my eyes. What a show-off. I made a half-hearted effort to wipe a club or two down and went to say my goodbyes to the gentleman.
00:07:46
Speaker
As his customary, each player provided me with a cash tip. It did occur to me that the cash was begrudgingly handed over, definitely more for the tradition of the exchange versus as payment for services rendered. I tried to avoid eye contact with each man, knowing that I probably hadn't lived up to their expectations. However, it was too late to avoid reproach. Kinda quieted down in the back nine there, Graham, huh? Next time, make sure to stay hydrated, buddy.
00:08:14
Speaker
They were having fun at my expense, and rightfully so. They should get something for their money. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my brother collecting a fat stack of bills while providing a little insight to one guy in his backswing. What a different experience we had. When my mom came back to pick us up at the end of the day, she asked how it went. Even my brother's reaction was enough to make it clear that this gig would not be long lasting.
00:08:38
Speaker
She went inside the pro shop, talked to Bob, and broke the bad news to him that we wouldn't be caddying anymore. She was also able to pick up our club so that we didn't have to leave empty handed or ever have to return.
Golfing with Grandparents
00:08:49
Speaker
That was a good thing because we were never stepping foot back into that club again. It was a win for both the club members and us.
00:08:58
Speaker
I'm sure word of our short-lived caddying career made it back to my grandfather. He never really asked much about it, although he did continue to give my brother tips or last month's golf digest copy. For me, he switched back to other topics. Several years later, I was surprised when my grandfather and grandmother asked my brother and me to join them for a round at their club. We were both in high school now, so they must have assumed that the passage of time had made us more capable golfers. They were wrong.
00:09:27
Speaker
Being at the golf club, and not just for Easter brunch or Christmas with Santa, was awesome. We were finally seeing where my grandparents spent so much time. Inside the club were trophy cases littered with plaques with my grandmother's name on them. She had won every tournament the club offered. My grandfather was a legend in his own right, but his nameplate was found at the card table in the locker room and at his seat at the grill bar.
00:09:52
Speaker
At the club I realized that my grandmother was the real ace, whereas my grandfather's best work was left for the 19th hole. As we strode out to the first tee, I was nervous. The tee box was visible from the restaurant, and even though it was a Tuesday morning, clearly we hadn't been asked to golf on a busy day, there were still a handful of elderly people watching us play. It was also clear that these old people knew us by name. My grandparents were extremely proud of us, and we were greeted like royalty at every stop in the club.
00:10:21
Speaker
Thankfully, my brother stepped to the tee first and pulled a shot into the adjacent parking lot. My grandparents knew that he was the better golfer, so he set the tone. As long as I didn't kill someone with my second shot, it would be considered a win. Amazingly, I was able to hit it straight and we kept it moving.
00:10:39
Speaker
One thing I realized immediately was that my grandparents really didn't hit the ball in the air. They had all the newest equipment, they had the stroke, and they spent a lot of time watching golf. But their version of golf looked a little different than I imagined. The ball was generally hit straight, but it was very low. It left a tee at a 3 foot angle from the ground and remained at that height for the 85 yards it traveled.
00:11:02
Speaker
While the shots were low, the speed of play was high. Unlike the methodical, painfully slow game I'd seen on television, their pace was blistering. Shot, cart, shot, cart, putt, cart, next hole. This was the fastest round of golf that I'd ever seen.
00:11:18
Speaker
At first I thought it was an over-correction for how slow and poorly my brother and I were playing, but then I realized that this was just their speed. While they clearly liked golf, they also wanted it done quickly so they could get back to watching it and reading about it. And while it wasn't a magnificent brand of golf, it was effective. Both grandparents shot at or under par for most of the round. So much for all those powerful drives or looping approach shots you see on TV. Maybe the fancy stuff made the game much more difficult than it needed to be.
Creative Uses for Golf Equipment and Closing
00:11:48
Speaker
The highlight of the day for me was a drive off the PAR 512 hole. My grandfather lent me his driver and said, give it a rip. At 6'1 and 220 pounds, I did just that. I pulled the club head back and gave it everything I had. The swing felt perfect. The ball exploded off the tee and I was certain that it was going to go 300 yards.
00:12:10
Speaker
What I had not understood was that my untrained swing, plus a driver with extreme loft to help my grandfather get the ball into the air, would lead my ball at a near 90 degree angle into the sky. This wouldn't have been problematic. A pop-up for me would still have been one of my best shots, but there happened to be an old oak tree branch overhead. This tree branch framed the top part of the shot and likely had never encountered even a glancing blow from a struck ball.
00:12:38
Speaker
In this case, the force of my youthful swing, plus the brand new graphite shaft driver, rocketed the ball at such a velocity that it hit the tree branch and made a loud crack. Within seconds, the branch split in half and began to swing above us, hanging on by an ever decreasing amount of wood. Moments later, it fell to the ground with a thud, as my grandparents, my brother, and other nearby golfers all looked on in disbelief. Had I not seen it happen, I wouldn't have believed it myself.
00:13:07
Speaker
We played the rest of the round in relative silence. I was certain that I had further disappointed my elders and certainly would never be invited back to play golf at their club again. On my second point, I was correct. I never received another invitation. But on the first point, much like my shots, I was way off. At the end of the round, my grandfather leaned in and said to me, wow, you really hit the shit out of that ball. I've never seen anything like that in my life. The guys at the club are going to love this story.
00:13:36
Speaker
and hearing that was more satisfying than any hole-in-one. Although obtained under questionable circumstances, the clubs my grandfather bought us had an impressive run. It has been over 30 years since purchase and I still have the driver, the Peerless, a cool but wildly misleading name. That club and the matching one my brother had are better known for things other than great golf shots.
00:14:00
Speaker
At one point, we used them to play bike polo. We wrapped the metallic heads in socks and used them to hit an on-fire tennis ball, it had been drenched in gas, around our street. After the match, I used that driver to jam into my brother's front wheel, causing him to fall into the pavement and chip his front tooth. That led to an hours-long fight where I legitimately feared for my life.
00:14:23
Speaker
My brother, not to be outdone, also used his driver and irons as weapons. He would hurdle them at me during rounds of golf at our public course when he was frustrated by his poor play. While we never turned pro or closed any business deals, we did learn to enjoy the game my grandfather loved so much. And should I ever have the privilege of catting again, I would replace the divots, stay out of the sight lines, and watch for flying clubs.
00:14:51
Speaker
And that's it. So thank you all very much. Really hope you liked it. We'll be back next week with another great guest. Until then, have a good one.
00:15:18
Speaker
But it's just a little piece of me I don't need anyone these days I feel like I'm fading away But sometimes I wanna hear myself on the radio
00:15:36
Speaker
Have you seen me lately? Have you seen me lately? Have you seen me lately?