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I Don't Understand... How To Join A Sorority
38 Plays5 months ago
Thank you to my YOUNGEST (!!!) friend Sofia for coming on to give me an official sorority audit. Will I get into the Delta Gamma sorority? You have to watch and see, but all signs seem to be pointing to yes I probably am getting in! See you girls in the fall.
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction and Humor
00:00:00
Speaker
A-Cab. Wait, what does A-Cab mean? All cops are baby girl. Hi, this is Sam, and welcome to the I Don't Understand podcast. I'm a guy who doesn't know things, and I'm here to learn from people who do.
Guest Introduction: Sofia Portillo
00:00:14
Speaker
Hi, uh, this is Sam. Uh, what's that song? I Don't Understand Anything. All right, let's start. Hi, welcome to I Don't Understand, a show about me, a man who does not understand anything. Even though she is much younger than me, she is as wise as she is much younger than me.
00:00:31
Speaker
Today my guest is Sofia Portillo. I don't understand anything. I really don't.
Climate Change Concerns
00:00:38
Speaker
AI is getting very interesting for me lately. I'm getting a lot of um on my algorithm gym and Dwight kissing. And I guess I don't understand that. I don't understand the song we didn't start the fire.
00:00:57
Speaker
I don't care who started the fire. Just help us put it out. Just help us put it out. I don't care who I'll just, I don't know. I don't understand why it's mid December and it's a hundred degrees outside. I'm hot all the time now and it's December. Hello? Christmas time much? But it's yet the hottest time in Houston. What's that about? Turn the heat off. I don't understand that. I'm not just dumb. I'm right. It shouldn't be this hot.
AI and Relationship Dynamics
00:01:21
Speaker
Billy Joel is a guy who's famous for being a great musician who's also gotten into like a hundred car wrecks.
00:01:26
Speaker
It's not just Jim and Dwight, though. They also have it so you can kiss your crush in AI, which you might think is more normal. But I don't know if you think that. And maybe you're weird because I think it's even weirder this way. How do how do you benefit from this?
00:01:43
Speaker
OK, I don't understand where my wallet is.
00:01:49
Speaker
I don't
Romantic Adventures and Imagination
00:01:50
Speaker
understand where it is. I like to imagine that it's off on some, like, little adventure when it's maybe on some, like, cliffside in New England, like, writing a letter to its lover, like, somewhere, like, dear Sixsmith, I've gotten away from that brute once more. Sixsmith, my love, thinking of your embrace is what gets me through the day. And then I storm up, like, there's my wallet. I get away off your little New England cliffside, rainy, writing a letter to your lover. Is that where my wallet is?
00:02:20
Speaker
I don't understand how to win money or even find it out in the world.
Conversational Skills in Dating
00:02:24
Speaker
All my life my dream has to been to just to find money. They say follow your dream. How can a man like me start with that if i my dream is to just find a bag of money somewhere? My first interaction with crypto is the social network.
00:02:38
Speaker
Now, here's another interesting one where you could do an AI of Disney villains that need to kiss. And I don't condone this one either. Maybe I understand it the most of all the three, though. Wait, I want to unpack this. Unpack the leg? Are you still going on dates? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah. I mean... What's your favorite quality in a girl that you're dating? I mean, you know, keeping them... It seems like you have a hard time with...
00:03:08
Speaker
everything? With no conversation happening. You like to fill the space. I love it. I have to fill the space. Yeah. That's bad. No. Well, I have to fill it here because... What's up. Yeah. But no, but yes, on dates also. That can be overwhelming sometimes. For a girl. I'm overwhelming. I think it shows that your confidence, which is very attractive in a man. Yes. To be able... That's what I was told. Oh. By who?
00:03:34
Speaker
No, I've been told that confidence is attractive. And then anytime I am, I'm too confident or something. And then then when I'm not, I'm not... Yeah, I'll get it right. I'll get it right. But go ahead. Yeah. I think you don't want to talk just to talk. You want to say things that will leave her thinking, wanting more.
Exploring the Nature of Sleep and Dreams
00:03:52
Speaker
Do you do that? why What I don't understand, why are we so mean to J.Lo all of a sudden? I thought we liked J.Lo.
00:04:02
Speaker
Where do I go when I go to sleep? What's going on up there? No, actually, no, wait, hold on. What do you mean? Where am I? And you just accept it. You're like, time for me to just disappear from all reality. I mean, it is weird. You're not disappearing. You're just in bed. You're laying down. No consciousness, though. Oh. Transcending something. What is that? I'm just gone. You're not going anywhere. You're just in bed. Well, I'm not watching an American Dad episode anymore.
00:04:29
Speaker
but If I put on an American Dad episode, I'm not still watching it. Obviously, you're going to sleep. You're asleep, but you're still here. Okay, I mean more medi-, okay. Body wise, yes. 37 and I still spend most of my nights in my high school wandering around. And then I go to the main office and I'm like, y'all need to reprint my schedule out. I don't remember my schedule. I understand symbolism and dreams. It's like you're tardy for a class. Like, oh, but not really. it's you're You're worried because you haven't gotten married yet and you're 37. You're not really in tardy for a class. You're socially tardy. You know, like symbolism and dreams. I get that. Okay.
00:05:07
Speaker
Maybe you have some stressful dreams too. um Did you ever think about joining the police force? Absolutely not.
Moral Choices: Being a 'Dirty Cop'
00:05:17
Speaker
Would you have been a good cop or a dirty cop? I would have been dirty as shit. Why even be a good cop? Gives a fuck. That's no fun. Oh, I'm a good cop. I'm the nerd at the fucking police state. You're a cop. Just be bad already. Should I not encourage cops to be bad? If a man must do the right thing,
00:05:37
Speaker
Do you think millennials are cringe? Yes. Is this cringe right now me doing all of this? A little bit. is this why I know you. And you know I'm cringe. Yeah. What's it like to be a girl? Is it safe and good? No. None of the above.
00:05:53
Speaker
Sophia would always help me with things I don't understand like young people slang. So now I'm going to demonstrate a couple of things she taught me in front of her akin to somebody playing the piano in front of their piano teacher in a full sentence. The bill is here per Roger already paid for it T.
00:06:14
Speaker
Nice. How was that? That was a really good. And then period could have happened. Period, yeah. One time I was describing a diet I was on to you. I was describing it, and I was saying i was like I'm having a hard time with it. And you said that me telling you that story made you want to cry. Oh, yeah. I'm a crier. She's a Pilates instructor. I'll just hype you up. What are Pilates? What is Pilates? Oh, OK. Win our Pilates. Why do we Pilate? What do you get out of it? Muscles.
00:06:45
Speaker
What do you want from those? Why do I want muscles? Yes. Because they look good. What do you mean? I think I'm very motivational. I try to be funny to distract you from some pain maybe that you're feeling, how early it is sometimes. Why is it always so early? You've said that I should do Pilates. You've looked me dead in the eye and told me I should do Pilates. You did that. What about a man like me who's worried that his body can't do any of those things? He looks at this machine and gets scared. Why do you think you can't do it? What's the name of the machine? A reformer. Why does it sound like a torture machine? And why does it look like one and scare me like it this one?
00:07:28
Speaker
You're just afraid of it. She's nice. Am I a bitch? Yes. Is the ma machine a shit? Yes, she is. What is the difference between Pilates and yoga? I know this might be a hot take. Yeah, but... I don't consider yoga a workout. What do you consider it? A stretch.
00:07:47
Speaker
Sorry, yoga. I love working out, so that's why... What's that
Exercise Preferences: Pilates vs Yoga
00:07:52
Speaker
like? That's cool. You don't like it? Well, I find it to be a thing I like have to do. I don't know if I love it. I definitely know that I don't love it. All I can focus on is giving my 110% into a workout. What about 120%? Why are you slacking? Sorry.
00:08:11
Speaker
Because I'm tired. That's fair. it's string you Was growing up Gen Z similar to the television program Euphoria? If so, how? If not, why not? I didn't do any drugs. What kind of music do you like? You like Bad Bunny. I do like Bad Bunny. Who is that? The Bad Bunny. Why is he bad? Is he a bunny? Yes. I like Eminem and Fiona Apple. What's that about?
00:08:38
Speaker
Do Gen Z wear hats or no because they can't, they have to smush all that broccoli hair under. White boy, broccoli hair. Here. Do you have friends who have broccoli hair? No. Taylor Swift, yay or nay? No. You wanna go on record with that? Yeah. What are the young people drinking these days? I mean, you can start off with a seltzer. for For your tummy? I'm a Swiftie, so I say it. Oh, tea. Tea at 11.
00:09:05
Speaker
We'll have tea at 11. That's right. We're leaving this in. I am a Swifty. I'm happy for you. Are you? You hate Taylor. I don't hate her. What do you hate most about her? I don't hate anything about her. What do you not like about her? I don't like her music. Gasp. What sorority were you in?
Sorority Experience: Camaraderie and Policies
00:09:25
Speaker
I was a Delta Gamma. What are those? They're line words. What do they mean? No fucking clue.
00:09:32
Speaker
I was just looking for more of a college experience as I stayed in my hometown, and I got it. And what does that mean, college experience? Living not at home, being surrounded by people that were similar to me on some degree. what If I were to be become a member of a sorority, what were the things that I could do that would help me flourish in it first? Flourish? blur it Flourish. Flourish.
00:09:57
Speaker
What about talking? ah Social skills? Yeah. I have none. So once you go through the, is there a um hazing? is there Let me ask like a normal person. Is there a hazing process to get into a sorority? No. These hands don't haze. We are not allowed. Is that a saying? Yeah. These hands don't haze. I think not hazing is cool.
00:10:20
Speaker
Okay, I'm applying for a sorority. I'm trying to get in. You're applying. You sign up and then there's like a whole weekend, like multiple day process. Oh, what's the process? Sisterhood is like the bottom of the triangle, philanthropy's the middle, and then... Prep round. I meant prep. Is that the top?
00:10:39
Speaker
Whatever's that. It's like the first phase is getting to know. Are we talking like a boot camp type? No, no. It's like you're selling yourself the whole time. What does that mean, selling yourself? ah You just want them to think you're like really smart, really cool, really good at school. I'm not fun or good at school.
00:10:55
Speaker
Cause you have to have like conversation and you're sitting like next to someone for 20 minutes and you're just supposed to ask them about themselves. And then you're going to go on to rate them. Hi, Sam. Hi. What's your major? I'm a freshman. I'm trying to get into the sorority. No, you can't say that. Do you know what our philanthropy is? And you'd say? Of course. What is it then?
00:11:13
Speaker
It's leading the call. I don't want first of all, do I know what the philanthropy means? Well, you should have done your homework Oh, I you should have known that DG is service for sight and we help the blind and the visually impaired I'm here to help the blind and the visually impaired. No, you're not here to do anything My philanthropy is blind and visually impaired and I respect that and I that's why I want to join you Are you in any like extracurricular activities here on campus? I'm in a lot of youth groups because I'm part of the youth... um What are groups that I could... have Okay, yes. But yes, I am in groups. Pretend I gave a good answer to that. Okay, you gave a good answer and I'm like, so tell me about yourself. I grew up in... I grew up in Meyerland, sort of like a Jewish... Oh, I shouldn't say that.
00:11:58
Speaker
yeah I grew up in a very Christian part of town. where You don't have to be Christian. Well, is it okay to be all other ways? Yes. right Yeah, I guess I had a pretty normal childhood. I worked at Astroworld. I worked at the movie theater. I burnt my arm on the popcorn machine at the movie the theater. That was crazy. um One time Gene Simmons came. He went to go see The Chronicles of Riddick.
00:12:24
Speaker
and Okay. I gave him popcorn. So, since you're from Houston, what are your favorite things to do in Houston? I'm not from here. I'm from fucking, I don't know. That's so cruel. I want to be just like you. I want to forget where I'm from, also. My favorite things to do in Houston are, I love hanging out with my friends. I love doing things with groups. I'm a very social person, top golf.
00:12:50
Speaker
oh Why did you have to name drop top golf? It's a thing. You said, what do I do? That's a thing. And I do it. and You're showing your age right now, but that's fine because you're not that age. No, I'm okay. That's a okay. I need to know these things. Well, you're
Sorority Stereotypes and Philanthropy
00:13:05
Speaker
not like 30 whatever. I mustn't show my age, not this. So that would be the first round, right? That's sisterhood where I'm getting to know you. And then if I rated you low, I'm not going to talk to you again. Really? Blacklist.
00:13:17
Speaker
Too awkward. Too awkward to ever talk to again. But let's say that my friend yeah rated you high. Hey, let's talk to your friend. So then it's philanthropy round. OK, philanthropy round. And so this is when I'm asking you, like, oh, dude like do you know what our philanthropy is? Blind and deaf. Just blind and visually impaired. Perfect. We we don't have to worry about the deaf. That's great. And then if you don't know, it's OK to say no, you don't know. I do know, though. Blind and visually impaired. OK, because I told you, but you didn't know. but Okay, whatever. um I was gonna be back like this for round two. Yeah, he's like, the stakes are high. When do I get to the body shots? Is it fun ever? We don't have parties, did you know that? No, I thought, no, frankly I didn't. We don't have parties, frats have parties that we go to. So sororities, what is the main thing if it's not throwing parties? What is the activity? What is we get together? Philanthropy.
00:14:10
Speaker
Okay, what? So this is all just a business venture to do... To do good things. What is this? Has National Lampoon been lying to me my whole life? They're like, it's a rudey party, and my alley has, and somebody's like, it's time to get, we're gonna go help the blind. And, sorry, I mean, that's beautiful. Thank you.
00:14:31
Speaker
And amazing. And I'm actually happy that that's what I've learned about sororities. I mean, you get to go to parties. There's parties on campus. I don't even like parties. There was a lot of restrictions on it because we think that the dean didn't like sororities. But we all had to live, like, on campus. The dean didn't like shorties? Sororities. No shorties can throw parties. Now, there are shorties in sororities. Exactly. We'll be right back. Oh, oh, oh, Merry Christmas, Sophia.
00:15:01
Speaker
Thank you, Santa. That wasn't Santa. Preff round, I meant preff, is at the top. the pool has gone to like your favorite people. Me. Pretend that I was good. Pretend that we could just pretend. Pretend that you made it? Yeah, pretend that I didn't say any of the things I said and I was like nice and cool and interesting. So you made it to prep round and that's like the super, that's when everybody's like super dressed up. Yeah. That's when they like walk you in and you're holding someone's hand and you're singing. Singing? Yeah, we sing songs. Why are they singing? Can you sing one for us right now?
00:15:35
Speaker
I don't think I can. Can you tell me how to sing it and I can sing it? No. Okay. I still know them though. They're like engraved in my fucking brain. You're thinking about it right now. Yeah, sometimes it just comes out. She's thinking about it.
00:15:50
Speaker
on the podcast. So that was, that's like the ball. It's like going out for a big event. Yeah. So you go in there and then that's when you talk and they ask you like, what do you want to find? Like what is so important to you about DG sisterhood or sisterhood in general? or What was your answer? Are you allowed to say, is this a cult? I'm not allowed to answer that. What's the difference between this and all the cults I've ever heard of? Honestly, no, just friendship. Nothing.
00:16:17
Speaker
I think it's fine though to be in a cult, a little bit of a cult. It's not a cult. I understand why people think it's cult-esque. I'm not trying to push the narrative that sororities are boring or anything. I like that you now know that it's not just a group of girls. little little fighting It is a group of girls who... That's what I thought.
00:16:38
Speaker
From American Pie to American Pie, I've been led to believe that sororities are this sort of different thing, yes. And little do I know that these women are working hard, God damn it. Okay, but we're also having up fun. And they and they yeah and making like long lifelong friendships. What's that like? What was your favorite memory from being a sorority?
00:16:59
Speaker
I really enjoyed living at our house. I grew up with a lot of sisters and when I started college, my sisters had moved out. So I made a whole bunch of like really close friends that you live with and you do like dumb shit at 2 a.m. with. What was the dumbest shit y'all did at 2 a.m.? Well, I was in college during COVID. That was pretty dumb. Y'all did that? You and your sisters. Oh shit.
00:17:25
Speaker
Um, one time a girl I was dating said, Sam, you can't just put the toothpaste back
Relationship Metaphors: The Toothpaste Analogy
00:17:31
Speaker
in the tube. but Which led me to wonder, how do they put the toothpaste in the tube? We gotta clip.
00:17:41
Speaker
What? Wait, why did she tell you that? Oh, we were fighting. okay I said something that I couldn't unsay. I think that's true. You can't put the toothpaste back. What do you think is true? I think that is true. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. But how did they get the toothpaste in the tube originally?
00:17:59
Speaker
The toothpaste tube is allowed to be filled. Yes. Once. Once. Never again. Like you squeeze. Yes. In a very reasonable manner. Yeah. Toothpaste out of the tube yeah is a way that you should express your feelings or certain things that are bothering you in a relationship. I will say it's hard being a girl.
00:18:18
Speaker
what's our in like this fuck you what's our I've never been approached at the grocery store, but I do think it would be like a sweet wholesome moment.
Women's Safety and Public Spaces
00:18:27
Speaker
I do think it could turn very bad though. If I say no and then we just happen to be like leaving at the same time and he's park his car is parked near me, I personally would freak out. yeah If it's like nighttime and you're, for some reason, walking behind a woman, make yourself known. Be on the phone and be like, hey, I'm such a cool fucking guy and I know people. I actually know that would freak me out. I don't know. I'm just kidding. Hi, I've never kidnapped a woman in my life. You know what's crazy about it? I've never kidnapped one woman. I just scared myself. I don't know. Honestly, men should just stay home.
00:19:01
Speaker
i That's fine with me. All the time. I could do that. And there should be like designated grocery hours. And parking lot hours. Also at night you should be wearing like light up shoes. That's what's fun to me. ah yeah Call me by my middle name. Phillip. He's like I didn't know that. All right, now we're gonna play a game.
Generational Reactions: Gen Z vs Older Traditions
00:19:24
Speaker
It's time for a game, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for a game. We're gonna play Gen Z Reacts. So this is a game where Gen Z is faced with something that, you know, maybe a millennial or a boomer or something would be more used to, and they have to react to it based on their knowledge of it, which is probably minimal. Okay. So when you look at that, what do you see? This guy with a really long chin. Do you know who the people on the book are?
00:19:50
Speaker
I recognize the guy on the bottom, but not the guy on the top. What are their names? I'm assuming this guy's something Letterman? Leto? Which one? I don't know. No, you have to say no. One is the other. Leno. It's not even Leto. It's Leno. David? David Leno. Do you think because these men had similar jobs, they would probably be friends? No, they look very, like very different people. Like they wouldn't get along.
00:20:19
Speaker
Is that true? Very intuitive. Very intuitive. All right. What were your top 13 favorite things about working with me? I did not like when you were not there. You made me laugh all the time. This is what I like. I like how... You were very supportive of my...
00:20:48
Speaker
Unhappiness. I'm very supportive of that. Sophie and I worked together for over two years. Almost three. Before she left. For a better life. Presumably. For sure. Sophie is brilliant and funny. and She's great at everything she does. It was a very sad day when she left the office. Do you miss me soon? I knew. That's why i I sort of made this whole podcast just so we could hang out. ah One time you were so sweet, you du you decorated my office for my birthday. Do you remember that? I do. That was really sweet. And I left up those decorations for a couple years because I was too socially uncomfortable. I didn't know when I should, I didn't ever want to take them down. You thought it would hurt my feelings? I did, would it have? No. I i left them up for years, so like every day somebody would come by my office, they'd go, oh, is it was your birthday? And I'd go, it isn't now, but it was. as It wasn't here. It was at some point. And we're just sort of remembering it.
Humorous Reflection on Sorority Membership
00:21:39
Speaker
The streamers were also the Ukrainian colors.
00:21:43
Speaker
that Well, it is Christmas time, so of course we wrap it up with cookies. um Take a cookie. You don't have to eat it. Thank you, Sophia, for being here to tell to walk me through this sorority process. Would I be in? No.
00:22:02
Speaker
Well, I mean, you miss 100% of the chances you don't try, folks, right? Wayne Gretzky said that, and now I'm living it. I think I lost a lot of brain cells with you not understanding anything.