Transcript
Speaker: Hello beautiful souls and welcome back to another inst installment of the Growing with Sol podcast where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery and learning to put yourself first.
Speaker: Whether we are diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and are ready to embrace their own journey.
Speaker: So if you've battled with self-doubt or strongly putting everybody else first, you are in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself. So come grow with me.
Speaker: So there has been a recurring theme in my thoughts lately, and that has been just the overarching phenomenon of being the person to hold yourself back.
Speaker: Being the person to count yourself out. Being the person to tell yourself no when there's no reason to. And it goes from thinking about like how I've seen that in other people and why it's aggravating and also throwing it back at me and being like, girl, do you do this to yourself? like How are you doing this to yourself, though?
Speaker: you know So it's this it's been this constant turmoil of a thing happening in my brain. And the thing is, I do know that there are certain areas of my life where this is happening.
Speaker: And there are certain aspects where it's like, I see it happening. I see it. I feel it But right now is not the time to deal with that one just yet. And you know what? That is valid because maybe you feel the same way.
Speaker: But... I really wanted to dig into that and also share my experience a little bit with everybody here because maybe you relate or maybe you don't see how you're holding yourself back here. So let's get into it.
Speaker: So how exactly do we experience this? How do we experience holding ourselves back? Or not even just holding ourselves back, but like the phenomenon of it. And it happens twofold. One, we see it in other people, which honestly, seeing it in other people is so much easier than seeing it in yourself. Like, I can see when somebody is holding themselves back so well. I'm just like...
Speaker: the Like I see it. Oh, and it's me. Because the other way that we experience it is witness it what witnessing it in ourselves. Oh my God, I can't even talk. That's how much I don't want to see it. I'm just kidding. But those are the two ways that we experience this phenomenon. Seeing in others, seeing it in ourselves. if we are so lucky If we are so lucky, we can see it in ourselves.
Speaker: And I think for me at least, but i I feel like I can, I've had conversations about like similar things with other people. And I think what is so tragic about witnessing it in other people is that when we see it in other people, it's because it's one of two things.
Speaker: Either they're holding themselves back in a way that you wouldn't have. You would never hold yourself back like that. Like when somebody, you see somebody telling them themselves no in an area that you would never maybe deprive yourself of something or count yourself out or even second guess yourself in a certain area. But you see somebody else doing someone There's no reason to or when you can recognize, OK, maybe you're nervous about something. But if you just give yourself a shot, if you just if you just start, you know, you'll grow and like excel. You you know that that person has the ability, of the capability, the the you know, the wherewithal where they will they will grow and excel and just kick ass at something. But then you see them say, no, that's not for me or I can't do that.
Speaker: Or that's just, I've never been able to X, Y, and Z, so i'm not going to be able to do this. Or just, you know, I don't deserve that. Or some whatever it might be. oh It's aggravating because you can see that they're getting in their own way.
Speaker: And you would never do something like you like that to yourself in that arena. The second part that I mentioned, well, not that I mentioned, but I said there were two parts. The second part to this aspect is that It's a way in which...
Speaker: You have done that to yourself and you no longer do. When you see somebody hold themselves back in an area that you used to, oh my God, like it's painful. It's so painful because you know what's going on, the thought process, maybe the the turmoil in their heart, in their mind of that decision they're making to hold themselves back in whatever area. And you felt it. You've been there.
Speaker: And you've overcome. So to see somebody else like that, and even maybe maybe you are trying to be supportive, but it's not working. and they're still being like, no, telling themselves no. And you're just like, well, there's only so much you can do to help somebody. Okay. I, you know, especially depending on the type of relationship it is.
Speaker: However, that doesn't mean it isn't painful to witness. So let's get into like why people hold themselves back because I did mention a little bit like what some reasoning might be behind somebody doing so.
Speaker: And you know what? You know what? It is the same culprits every single time. And if you've been listening to the podcast long enough, you know what I'm about to say. You know what I'm about to say.
Speaker: and it is low self-esteem, low self-worth, a lack of confidence. That's usually what's going to be behind all that. Now, there might be different reasons why somebody is feeling the lowest health of state and feeling the lowest self-worth and feeling the lack of confidence.
Speaker: you The reasons behind that might be different for each individual person, person but it's going to be the same culprits. Okay? Every time. Every freaking time.
Speaker: It bothers me, okay? It bothers me too, okay? Yeah. I'm on the same page with you. But that low self-esteem, that low self-worth, that lack of confidence, it can make you feel undeserving.
Speaker: It can make you feel like you're incapable of doing something or of even learning how to do something. Because the majority of the time in life, believe it or not, you're not going to know how to do something.
Speaker: I feel like the older I get, the more I don't know. Or like the more I know I don't know because there's just so many different... In a fun way, there's so many things to learn in life.
Speaker: Like so many amazing things and like different topics and stuff like that. And like... You know, like there's a content creator on TikTok where all he's he's he's a biologist and he talks about like marine biology and like whales and like stuff like that. And like, it's so interesting because I didn't study that in college. So like, I don't know a lot of these things and it's so much, so much fun to learn.
Speaker: But on the flip side, there are also so many things that I don't know that it can feel almost daunting to be like, I actually, i'm like i am probably incapable of learning.
Speaker: And I'll get into it a little bit more a little bit. i but But the fact that you feel so poorly about yourself is getting in the way of you actually being able to do amazing things and possibly even achieve your goals, achieve your dreams and make them reality.
Speaker: And at the end of the day, the the thing is that you're counting yourself out. you're telling yourself no. And there are going to be plenty of people, plenty of things in this world that tell you no, plenty of jobs you apply to that say actually no, you're not qualified. Or like you know what, there was somebody else who was better, maybe universities you didn't get into, you know, different things in your life that are going to tell you no.
Speaker: But when you are counting yourself out first, you're telling yourself no before you can even try, before you can even get started. And when you do that, you miss out on so many opportunities.
Speaker: financial opportunities, maybe a promotion, maybe a new job, maybe maybe the opportunity to travel. Maybe you're going to be missing out on educational opportunities. Tell yourself, you know what? No, like it's actually, you know, a pipe dream to be able to like get into Harvard or something.
Speaker: You're telling yourself no first. Maybe it's even romantically, what have you. like There are so many different aspects where this can come into play and really negatively impact your overall life.
Speaker: Maybe your career, just your quality of life. And that's why it's so tragic. That's why it's so... Insidious feels really creepy and evil to say, but it's the word that's coming to mind, so we're going to roll with it. It feels a little insidious.
Speaker: So... It's important to recognize it when it's happening. and here's the thing. You're not always going to be able to. Not all the time. You know, like we we definitely all have blind spots.
Speaker: And that's that's the hard part. That's definitely the hard part. But i I think there are telltale signs of when it's happening. So how do you fix this?
Speaker: First and foremost, identifying when you're holding yourself back. It might be helpful when you see it happening in somebody else because then you can like, okay, that person was responding to this type of thing this type of way.
Speaker: i feel like I'm kind of responding in a similar way to this. Am I holding myself back? So maybe recognizing that and starting to question certain things every once in a while is definitely, definitely worth it.
Speaker: I feel like often in my life when I've held myself back, it's been when I've really wanted to do something. And I really, like, I really wanted something for myself, but I would tell myself I wasn't ready.
Speaker: I would tell myself I needed to do x Y, and Z first before I could even get to that. When i didn't need to. Like, Um, okay. So like in, in college, one of the things that I would do differently if I were to go back in time and go back to undergrad is that I would start my creative writing track within my major, like girl, semester one, semester, semester one, if I could, but probably couldn't because to take the fundamental classes first, but definitely like semester two, I would have been in creative writing classes semester two. I would have been actively looking to like, I'll be published at least on campus, if not even elsewhere. Like I would have been doing so many more things like than what I did, which was basically wait until like junior year to start taking creative writing classes. And I took all my lit classes first.
Speaker: Like I shouldn't have done that. Like I should not have done that. I shouldn't have told myself that I wasn't ready, that, you know, it wasn't something that I needed to do yet, blah, blah, blah, even though i really wanted to.
Speaker: And even though it would have made, i think, academically speaking, my college experience so much more enjoyable and fulfilling. So for me, that's how it shows up. Maybe it's similar for you, but you know, there are definitely other ways that it can show up.
Speaker: Telling yourself that maybe you're not ready, telling yourself that you should do other things first. Maybe it comes up as like, I just don't know enough. Or it can come up as, again, undeserving.
Speaker: You're holding yourself back. So it can... It appears as other ah emotions first, other than like, h I have low self-esteem, so I don't want to do that. Like, we don't think that way as people. We have reasons why certain things are not for us or why we can't do certain things.
Speaker: Maybe it's, I just don't have enough money. And you know what? that is a valid That is a valid thing. And it gets into so many other intersectional things when it comes to, say, travel, for for example.
Speaker: At the same time, For many people, maybe lot of us, maybe we're not right now in this economy. I know it's crazy right now. But sometimes it does mean creating an action plan to save.
Speaker: So for me, for example, i have certain things that I'm working on, certain financial goals. Traveling is not one of my financial goals right now at all. But, you know, something came up where I might need to go essentially visit a friend in Italy next year.
Speaker: Definitely much earlier than i was expecting to ever go to Italy because I was thinking, what's certain financial goals and other life goals that I have right now? Trialing is off the table. If I'm lucky, I'll get to go and visit my friend again in Italy in like two years, if I'm lucky.
Speaker: But I knew that I would need to start saving basically now to make that happen. And even though it's a longer timeline, I'm not counting myself out. It's just going to take longer than say it did before.
Speaker: For example, but I know that one can get a little dicey just given economic situations and we all have different economic situations and life situations, but just to throw that one out there.
Speaker: So once we identify that we are holding ourselves back, what do we then do? We take the next step. Okay. We take that next step. And it does not have to be a huge step. Just take that next step, even if it's a baby step.
Speaker: That might be, I want to, don't know, I'm to think of something. Oh my God. um I'll give another personal one. So i have never been an athletic person. i definitely struggle with my jujitsu. Like, okay, I saw this meme a while ago where it's like different types of people at jujitsu as Pokemon.
Speaker: And then one of them was Ditto. And then the description underneath was like, kills it in drills. Can't remember anything when they roll. oh That's me, bro.
Speaker: That's so me in jujitsu. Like, I will be drilling a technique and I'll have it down. Like, I got the i got the technique down. we keep drilling it. I'm bored. Like, I know how to do this already. I'm so bored. We're still drilling this. like Can we do a different move now? Like,
Speaker: calm on. And then when it comes time to roll, I can't remember the technique, bro. I can't remember. And like, so for me, having never really been athletic, struggling with jujitsu, it gets in my head sometimes. And I'm just like, I'm just going to suck and like never get better at jujitsu. Like it's not in me. I'm not the type of person who like excels at jujitsu. Like all these stories come up.
Speaker: And it becomes easy to not go. It becomes easy to be like, oh I have so much work to do or, you know, I need to do X, Y, and Z instead or I'm so tired, I'm not going to go to jujitsu.
Speaker: When part of it, like not the whole story, but like part of the story for me not going then is that I kind of suck anyway. So what's the point? Or I've been going for so long and I haven't gotten better. So what's the point?
Speaker: Maybe there are other tactics I need to employ in order to improve my jujitsu, sure. But you know what's definitely our help? Actually going. So my baby step, for example, is to actually go to jujitsu at least two times a week, if not three.
Speaker: Boom. Done. Baby step. The third thing that can be done in order to help fix this, help us improve this, is to get outside help. Maybe it is getting a support system, talking to your friends about it, your family. Maybe it is working with a coach or a therapist in order to help you get past this and to really start trusting yourself and putting yourself out there and taking that baby step and having accountability.
Speaker: That can be extremely beneficial, especially when we are maybe so scared to do it and maybe even scared to do it alone. And that's totally valid.
Speaker: So getting some external help can be very beneficial. Thank you if you have tuned in today. i definitely appreciate you being here. If you are watching this on YouTube, hi, leave a little comment in the comment section below. Just let me know that you were If you have been enjoying the podcast, definitely give it a five-star review because it helps get the message out to other people as well who might need to hear this. Naturally, I am also currently accepting clients. So if you would love to work with me, that would be phenomenal. And you can schedule your very own call with me through the link in the show notes. And until next time, keep growing.
