Transcript
Speaker: No, it is definitely not a movie's plot because that I remember that that movie I've seen enough times that I have that down to a science.
Speaker: It's so weirdly set out.
Speaker: It's so weirdly paced.
Speaker: And like I said before, I don't know why it's throwing me so much, but it's all seems to be taking place over the course of a single day.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's weird.
Speaker: It's weird.
Speaker: It's really weird.
Speaker: But you know what isn't weird?
Speaker: What's not weird?
Speaker: Hey there everybody!
Speaker: Welcome back to Pixel It!
Speaker: My name is Kevin, you're dancing along with the theme music.
Speaker: There we go.
Speaker: You bet your ass.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: And uh, we're back.
Speaker: We're back.
Speaker: Yeah, baby!
Speaker: Phil and I are back and we're talking about Mortal Kombat more.
Speaker: Because this book is... Mortal Kombat, huh?
Speaker: It's Mor-til Kombat.
Speaker: God in heaven.
Speaker: So we were just talking about how this is probably one of the weirdest books we've ever read.
Speaker: Yeah, not the best book we've ever read so far.
Speaker: Not the worst.
Speaker: Not the worst.
Speaker: Absolutely the weirdest.
Speaker: You know why it's not the worst is because it is coherent.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And it's cohesive.
Speaker: And it's cohesive.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: But I will, I am going to posit that its plot is as dumb as Dead Spaces.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: It is.
Speaker: It is more...
Speaker: it's only more or equally competent to dead space based on the fact that I think it's shorter and more to the point.
Speaker: It's not trying to do too much.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Uh, whereas dead space was trying a bunch of things that tried so hard for it.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker: And this is seemingly has a little bit of a self-awareness that it is an odd piece of a little bit.
Speaker: 1995 ephemera.
Speaker: It is a product of its time without question.
Speaker: It's so strange.
Speaker: And yeah, yeah.
Speaker: I mean, and y'all who are listening, who listened to the first episode, we started out with the mythology, building the grand world, giving, setting down the rules of the world and what's happening here.
Speaker: Yeah, that is that is pretty much done.
Speaker: And now we are in the modern era and everything is going to snowball so quickly.
Speaker: So fast.
Speaker: So fast.
Speaker: It is going to just be like.
Speaker: We have a theory that everything that takes place in the next 200 pages is basically happening in one day.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Everything that's been happening, it's so much stuff stacking on top of so much other stuff, not just in the same day, but it feels like the same handful of hours.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like this is this is a quick, quick kind of thing.
Speaker: There's so much happening that I'm I'm surprised that at least one of the characters hasn't said, wait, what the fuck is going on?
Speaker: None of them have said that.
Speaker: At some point.
Speaker: And there are some points at which this question should be asked.
Speaker: Could be, should be.
Speaker: We start into part two with chapter 12, and our first point of view character is, you know him, you love him.
Speaker: It's the red-eyed mercenary Kano.
Speaker: Absolutely love Kano.
Speaker: He's got that robot eye.
Speaker: The robot eye.
Speaker: Dreaded black dragon gang.
Speaker: And he is probably my favorite person in this book.
Speaker: Just tends to be my favorite in whatever media they put him in.
Speaker: Just because he is leaning.
Speaker: This character is written so, so 1995 bad guy.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: He encapsulates the entire era.
Speaker: And by the way, he was, I love this description of him.
Speaker: Kano had heard some peaches during his 35 years, 30 of which had been devoted to crime.
Speaker: He's been devoted to crime since he was five years old.
Speaker: Five.
Speaker: Five.
Speaker: Look, I'm not saying that a five year old couldn't steal a few things, couldn't get into some trouble here and there.
Speaker: But to hear a five year old say the words, my life is devoted to crime.
Speaker: Well, Kevin, that's one bad ass kid.
Speaker: I want to I want to I would I would run from that five year old.
Speaker: Yeah, that five year old would never see my fat ass ever again.
Speaker: So period.
Speaker: We're basically just getting the rundown of who Kano is, what he's doing.
Speaker: He's out in the he's somewhere in China.
Speaker: He's he's been hired.
Speaker: He's a mercenary for hire, a bully for hire.
Speaker: And he is looking, he's looking for a place.
Speaker: He was given a map by a giant man, an eight foot tall man who looked like a iguana.
Speaker: He, he says that description, by the way, it's a great description.
Speaker: Uh,
Speaker: And we also hear some background stories as to things he's done in the past.
Speaker: Like he killed an actor once.
Speaker: And one of my favorite.
Speaker: Which I thought was going to be a Johnny Cage reference, by the way.
Speaker: Yeah, it wasn't.
Speaker: It was the next.
Speaker: My favorite part of that is the final sentence is he drops the actor off of a cliff onto a house.
Speaker: The impact of him, the actor falling on the house, causes the house to fall down the slope that it's built on.
Speaker: And Kano says that the headlines the next day read actor brings down house star dies hairpiece survives.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I'm so glad you brought that up because I feel like that's in the first two pages of the new section.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I feel like that just by itself tells us more.
Speaker: It does more world building than all the mythology we got in the last part, because it really does.
Speaker: If that's literally what the, the frontline news say, like the front page news says actor brings down the house and star dies hairpiece survives.
Speaker: That is a running man style world you live in, my friend, like insane, cruel, really tawdry and nasty world.
Speaker: Like just that in and of itself tells you so much about this alternate reality that they live in.
Speaker: There is Arnold is somewhere in the running man right now in this universe, different subzero.
Speaker: It's a different Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Actually, that Sub-Zero named himself after the famous Ninja.
Speaker: But we'll get to that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So this chapter is very much just establishing Kano.
Speaker: He's got some buddies with him.
Speaker: Don't get too attached to them.
Speaker: They don't really matter that much.
Speaker: They're just some thugs that they're given.
Speaker: They're given some color, like background, like one of them's short with a graying ponytail and he doesn't have much hair.
Speaker: It's stuff like that.
Speaker: And except...
Speaker: There's a tall blonde woman with him.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: A dangerous ex-ballerina.
Speaker: A dangerous ex-ballerina.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And her name is Gilda.
Speaker: Gilda.
Speaker: Gilda.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: What a weird... Gilda Stahl.
Speaker: Stahl.
Speaker: Gilda Stahl.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, and she seems to be the only person in the gang, the Black Dragon gang there.
Speaker: She's new.
Speaker: She's new.
Speaker: And she seems to be the only one who's really giving Kano any pause.
Speaker: Like, she...
Speaker: has shown on more than one occasion that if she wanted to, she could kill his ass.
Speaker: She's got a long knife and she could probably kick his ass.
Speaker: And they say he'd heard a man on one of her jobs said that she had once decapitated an enemy with a single stroke of her knife and kicked his still bleeding head, quote, a remarkable 70 yards.
Speaker: Where's that fatality?
Speaker: Yeah, that's an amazing fatality.
Speaker: And also, why is she not a punter in the NFL?
Speaker: That is right.
Speaker: That is some leg.
Speaker: 70 yards.
Speaker: Let me tell you, a head is a lot less aerodynamic than a football.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: If you can kick a fucking field goal, like on the second down and you're not even, you know, halfway down the field, then yeah, you're going to make a lot of money.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I think probably more money than you would as part of the Black Dragon gang.
Speaker: I'm just guessing here.
Speaker: Just assuming.
Speaker: But one of my favorite... And that was our yearly reference to sports, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker: Sports.
Speaker: They happen.
Speaker: Sporting ball.
Speaker: Um...
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So one of there was a line in here from Gilda.
Speaker: Her name's Gilda.
Speaker: It's not anything else.
Speaker: No, not just Gilda Stahl.
Speaker: Not it's it's not Sonya or anything.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Why are you like what?
Speaker: Who brought up Sonya?
Speaker: Anyway, there's a line in here that I was totally confused by.
Speaker: So Gilda has her knife on his throat and she says to Kano.
Speaker: Do it on your own time when we're not working.
Speaker: Remember, Kano, ladies don't like guys who aren't gentlemen and professionals.
Speaker: And I had to read that sentence five times because as she's saying... It's so weird.
Speaker: Ladies don't like gentlemen or professionals.
Speaker: Ladies don't like gentlemen who aren't professionals.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I guess I took it to mean that they don't like men who aren't gentlemen and professionals like that.
Speaker: You be a gentleman, be a professional.
Speaker: It doesn't really matter.
Speaker: It is a top tier weird ass thing to say to someone you're holding a knife to top tier.
Speaker: just yeah so so kano um we get more backstory kano kind of dives into who hired him he knows it's he knows it's shang sung who hired him he he knows that some eight foot tall guy gave him some map who he calls a giant baby he keeps calling referring to the eight foot tall man as a giant baby giant baby
Speaker: But he's he also references that he's been he's been so hard up for money that if he had been invited by Martians to help them conquer Venus, he'd have gone as long as they paid him cash dollars.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And that's kind of sums up everything about Kano is his only motivation is that he's getting paid.
Speaker: Is he's getting paid.
Speaker: And Kevin, did you notice how much money he's getting paid?
Speaker: How much money is he getting paid, Phil?
Speaker: Well, you know, they don't go into the specifics, but basically the idea is, oh, no, they do.
Speaker: Sorry.
Speaker: The full amount is $3 million, but no one knows it but him.
Speaker: And he's basically going to give everyone a couple hundred thousand here and there and then take two million for himself.
Speaker: which is, you know, whatever, you know, bad guy stuff.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Makes perfect sense.
Speaker: What confuses me is now either Kano is a lot dumber than he seems or or the rate of inflation in 1995 wasn't near what it is now.
Speaker: But he refers to two million dollars as something he can use to buy his own private island.
Speaker: So I don't know if you could, I don't know if you could get like a 3000 square foot house near San Francisco for that amount.
Speaker: So I probably not my friend Kano.
Speaker: I don't know where he's, but I don't know where he's buying that islands.
Speaker: No, it's not clear.
Speaker: Uh, so maybe Marlon Brando gave him some bad information.
Speaker: So there's, there's some, uh,
Speaker: They move on and Kano thinks he sees a town and that's the end of chapter 12.
Speaker: Chapter 13, where we come in with Shang Tsung and Goro.
Speaker: They're having a conversation and yet the tall man was Goro.
Speaker: Who would have thought?
Speaker: The tall man who looked like an iguana.
Speaker: Who hired, who went to Kano's house and hired him and gave him a map.
Speaker: Right, which he referred to as looking like a child druid.
Speaker: And I just imagine Goro in a trench coat and like top hat trying to sneak through.
Speaker: That's exactly how I pictured it.
Speaker: Because all he says is that he's tall and he looks like an iguana, which I don't know, man.
Speaker: I feel like there might be more to say about that.
Speaker: But yeah, I mean, Goro isn't just tall.
Speaker: He's massive, like in all directions.
Speaker: Yeah, he's the size of your living room wall.
Speaker: He's enormous.
Speaker: So yeah, I don't.
Speaker: Okay, fine.
Speaker: Kano really, he really buried the lead here.
Speaker: He just kind of moved way too fast.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He is not, he's like, yeah, he's eight feet tall.
Speaker: I don't know, fuck you.
Speaker: So yeah, Goro is, he is responding to Shang Tsung and he is philosophizing because Shang Tsung is getting, is getting impatient or he's saying, he says that these last few days before they get to their thing is interminable.
Speaker: And Goro says, responds like a philosopher saying, because the prize is so near,
Speaker: It's always the way in battle in the outworld.
Speaker: I've never lamented the foe who escaped me by days, only the ones who eluded me by minutes in love.
Speaker: I always missed my females more when I was about to see them than when I left them.
Speaker: And, you know, points to Goro, minus some points for calling them females like that.
Speaker: Yeah, I try to avoid that one, if I'm being honest.
Speaker: There's something that really bums me out about using even when you're using it correctly.
Speaker: Now, the term has kind of been roughly ruined.
Speaker: But yeah, it's I don't you don't expect that from Goro, do you?
Speaker: You do not.
Speaker: The other thing that is the other thing that's hilarious about this chapter, and it wasn't hilarious until I actually looked back at it.
Speaker: was the fact that Kano was the he hired Kano because the one that they wanted wasn't available and the person they wanted was Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Right, right.
Speaker: So I'm just putting that out there.
Speaker: Sub-Zero is not available.
Speaker: Sub-Zero is not available.
Speaker: Nobody can.
Speaker: Nobody can find Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Guru cannot find Sub-Zero.
Speaker: No one can find Sub-Zero.
Speaker: So he had to hire Kano.
Speaker: This is no way.
Speaker: This will in no way, you know, come up later down the line.
Speaker: This will no way be made become absolutely absurd and ridiculous.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: In a few chapters.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: There was another moment in this chapter that cracked me up, and it's just this little aside.
Speaker: While they're having this drunk back porch talk about philosophy and war and what have you, Goro, by the way, he's eating.
Speaker: They're eating, and Goro is just consuming reptiles.
Speaker: He's got cages full of snakes and lizards, and he's just eating them one by one.
Speaker: And then in the middle of discussing something, he just kind of stops and says, these important snakes are good.
Speaker: And I got to tell you, I think that was when I went, who the fuck is this book for?
Speaker: It's such an innocuous thing, but he really jarred me.
Speaker: It was funny.
Speaker: It's a funny, random ass comment.
Speaker: But it really made me go, that was just for the author, wasn't it?
Speaker: Like he just wrote, that was just for him.
Speaker: Just stand it, just the imported beer is, it's actually what he's commenting on.
Speaker: That's exactly what you expect him to be like looking at the can and going, these Belgians really know how to make this.
Speaker: Goro looks down at the can of Heineken.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I think it's worth the extra three bucks.
Speaker: Not bad.
Speaker: It's such a random moment.
Speaker: We also do find out that now, instead of Mortal Kombat being held every year like it was in the first part, it's now being held every generation.
Speaker: which is a nebulous term.
Speaker: I mean, it is somehow really hard and fast on that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Some say a generation is 25 years, but, um, sure.
Speaker: Well, once a generation, I guess that's whenever Shang Tsung feels like it pretty much.
Speaker: Whenever he gets around to it, fuck it.
Speaker: You know, wow.
Speaker: Is that thing happening again?
Speaker: All right, fine.
Speaker: So in chapter 14, we jump over to a little boy named Chin Chin Chin Chin.
Speaker: Are you getting any short round vibes from Chin Chin?
Speaker: I get a lot of short round vibes from Chin Chin.
Speaker: It's not just me.
Speaker: By the way, the guy who played Short Round is apparently in that new movie.
Speaker: What's it called?
Speaker: Everywhere and Everything.
Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: I've been seeing more of him on social media.
Speaker: I guess that's what that has to do with it.
Speaker: Everything, everywhere, all at once, yes.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Kei Hyo Kwon, who played when he was a kid, he played Short Round and Data in The Goonies, is in this, so...
Speaker: He played the, he played the roles that Geddy Watanabe didn't want to basically.
Speaker: Yes, basically.
Speaker: It was just the two of them in that time period.
Speaker: It was just the two of them and John Hughes casting.
Speaker: John Hughes and Steven Spielberg fighting.
Speaker: Fighting over them.
Speaker: Pretty much it.
Speaker: But yeah, so we get the new Kung Lao, a fresh Kung Lao.
Speaker: This is the latest and greatest Kung Lao off the assembly line.
Speaker: Yeah, the newest model.
Speaker: He's a priest at the Order of Light or whatever it's called.
Speaker: At the good guy palace, whatever it is.
Speaker: And basically Chin Chin says, hey, there's some evil looking dudes coming up.
Speaker: And Chin Chin got a good, he has a good vibe checker right now.
Speaker: Because let me tell you, the guy with the glowing red robot eye, he is an evil looking dude.
Speaker: He is.
Speaker: He is.
Speaker: And Kung Lao responds.
Speaker: Chin Chin says evil looking strangers are coming up our hill and Kung Lao says it isn't our hill, my son.
Speaker: It belongs to whoever uses it and looks can be misleading.
Speaker: Like now Kung Lao, you just, you know, like the kid is just trying to fucking communicate, man.
Speaker: Just right.
Speaker: There's a there's a dude with a robot eye coming up the hill.
Speaker: You know,
Speaker: We don't need to philosophize on every little.
Speaker: Just sometimes you can just you can just look at him and go, oh, OK, like, you know, you know, sometimes it's all right just to go.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Belongs to whoever's walking on it.
Speaker: Good God.
Speaker: Good God.
Speaker: Anyway, Kung Lao goes to visit with the villains.
Speaker: with the totally obviously bad guys the most bad guys who ever bad guide the most bad guys of all time basically basically it's it's uh it's kano uh a tall blonde woman uh gilda i mean sonia i mean gilda volia slade
Speaker: And then basically a full round out of like the guys from Die Hard, the terrorists, the guys who John McClane kills in Die Hard.
Speaker: Those are the guys that are backing up Kano.
Speaker: Have you ever gone to see Kiss and you got a glimpse of the roadies?
Speaker: That's who these guys are.
Speaker: That's who we're dealing with.
Speaker: Clearly villains.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: That's right.
Speaker: Kiss, kiss roadies.
Speaker: Kiss roadies are the real villains.
Speaker: Are the real villains.
Speaker: Fight the real evil.
Speaker: Fight, fight the real power, which is the kiss, the kiss roadie Alliance.
Speaker: Not kiss.
Speaker: Kiss is fine.
Speaker: Kiss is fine.
Speaker: And there's actually a magical spell in true kiss fashion.
Speaker: There's a magical spell that the roadies have placed on them.
Speaker: And, um,
Speaker: I actually don't know a lot about KISS.
Speaker: I'm not really familiar either.
Speaker: I feel like I'm not missing out on a lot.
Speaker: I'm going to be completely honest with you.
Speaker: I never got the impression, even from the crazy stage show in the makeup, that I was like, you know, I think I need more KISS in my life.
Speaker: That is a thought that has never crossed my mind.
Speaker: I can promise you that.
Speaker: I'm sure they're great.
Speaker: I don't give a shit.
Speaker: I'm sure they're great.
Speaker: I think.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Don't don't.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Or not.
Speaker: Or not.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: All opinions are valid because we have none because we have none.
Speaker: So they get to talking and Kano basically says they're they're looking for a village and Kung Lao is just a magical answering machine.
Speaker: Like anything that he asks about, Kung Lao has the answer.
Speaker: This is the village.
Speaker: Yeah, they're looking for a village.
Speaker: And what do you know it?
Speaker: They're at the village.
Speaker: But it's not enough to just say, this is, that's the village we're at.
Speaker: He's, they're looking on the map and he says, we're looking for a place called Chujung.
Speaker: And Kung Lao tells them that that's the name of the village when it was founded in the year 300.
Speaker: That's just shit that he knows.
Speaker: He knows it.
Speaker: And he gives them a full rundown of like, oh yeah, 400 years ago, it was called this.
Speaker: 700 years ago, it was called this.
Speaker: And Kano's about as interested as the reader.
Speaker: So, which is to say, not at all.
Speaker: Not at all.
Speaker: It is ridiculous.
Speaker: So, they're in the right place.
Speaker: They're in the right place.
Speaker: And Kano's like, you know what?
Speaker: You guys look cold.
Speaker: Let's get you in for some soup.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: They do emphasize the cold a lot.
Speaker: And I think
Speaker: on more than one occasion, they'll point out that Kung Lao is just wearing like a simple robe.
Speaker: And even Kano points out how cold he is, how cold he looks.
Speaker: And I just want to go, is this, this is the impressive thing we're doing?
Speaker: Like, he's just, he's a magical mystic priest, warrior, ninja god, because it's 55 degrees out and he's wearing short sleeves.
Speaker: He's wearing short sleeves.
Speaker: So, but before they go inside, Kano shows them the map.
Speaker: And it's like, yes, where we need to find this mountain.
Speaker: And the the the little chin chin shepherd boy chin chin to the shepherd boy says literally his name.
Speaker: That is his name in the book.
Speaker: He says, oh, that's Mount Ikafube, right?
Speaker: That's what the name of the mount is.
Speaker: And basically Kung Lao is like, he gives him a look and the boy's like, oh, no, I'm sick.
Speaker: And it turns into this whole thing.
Speaker: Anyway, Kano pulls out a gun and he just starts blasting.
Speaker: No, he does pull out a gun, though.
Speaker: And he holds it to the boy's head.
Speaker: And he says this.
Speaker: Kung Lao says, you have no concept of what you're doing.
Speaker: And Kano says, sure I do, you win bag, which appropriate because Kung Lao has just been running his fucking mouth.
Speaker: He really has.
Speaker: And by the way, can we cut the kid some goddamn slack, Mr. Lao?
Speaker: Because you're sitting there giving this guy all kinds of information.
Speaker: How is he supposed to know that the one thing you didn't want him to run his mouth about was a mountain?
Speaker: all we've been talking about is geography.
Speaker: And the kid goes, yeah, that's the mountain.
Speaker: And Kung Lao goes, you little shit.
Speaker: You shouldn't have told him about the mountain.
Speaker: You told him about everything else.
Speaker: You basically gave him your blood type.
Speaker: Why does that fucking matter?
Speaker: And then
Speaker: And then so Kato says, we're about to decrease China's population by one sheep boy, unless you start making like Rand McNally, which let me tell you, it's a great line.
Speaker: I don't know how it would actually land.
Speaker: This is this is I'll say Kano has a lot of reference.
Speaker: They make a point of making Kano out to be a dumbass on certain things, you know, but he basically at one point he's talking about Kung Lao and he says, this guy comes on like a big Joel Gray Vilkomen kind of guy.
Speaker: That is a musical theater reference.
Speaker: That is from Cabaret.
Speaker: And I know musical theater people who don't know fucking Joel Gray's name.
Speaker: It's sacrilegious, but it's true.
Speaker: The leader of the black dragon gang is aware of Joel Gray's Tony award winning performance as the MC in cabaret.
Speaker: He just knows.
Speaker: And then he throws out the Rand McNally reference.
Speaker: It's just like, I wanted one of the gang members to be like, look, we know you've been reading a lot.
Speaker: Kano.
Speaker: We're all very impressed.
Speaker: Let's just go.
Speaker: Very proud of you.
Speaker: But yeah, that's,
Speaker: He's basically, he's basically the villain version of Dennis Miller.
Speaker: He also known as Dennis Miller.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Or just Dennis Miller.
Speaker: The bad guy, period.
Speaker: Jesus.
Speaker: And speaking as someone who apparently comes from a similar distant bloodline as Dennis Miller, I agree.
Speaker: And then he says, Kano took the map from Kung Lao.
Speaker: One more musical reference before he goes.
Speaker: I'll worry about all that jazz.
Speaker: You worry about finding some directions and packing us some grub.
Speaker: You got us.
Speaker: You got some tour guide in to do.
Speaker: uh really i'm team kano at this point um i'm with him he i understand his motivations his motivations are clear yeah he wants he's gonna get the money buy an island yes who can't get behind that he wants to know his his his desires in order are a get the money b buy an island c stop listening to fucking kung lao i think we are all on his side with this
Speaker: 100 yes uh and and it would be a kano would have an island and and and yeah yep and zazex would be allowed to run free there and chingin and all of the weird little palindromic names all the weird little side characters and and and just fun villains can can all live on this island all of them
Speaker: And we'll write the fan fiction that will bring this world to its knees.
Speaker: It is absurd.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: Chapter 15 starts with a nightmare where it's basically a Terminator 2 style nightmare.
Speaker: And it's it's being had by Liu Kang or Liu Kang.
Speaker: However, I don't know how they say it in the in the game.
Speaker: I believe I was heard of it as Liu.
Speaker: Yeah, I think I think it's I think that name is pronounced Liu.
Speaker: But I think in the game that he's called Lou.
Speaker: Anyway, Lou Kang has been having this nightmare about a city blowing up and it's constant and he's been losing sleep about it.
Speaker: And he basically it's the gods that are talking to him.
Speaker: And Liu Kang is a soldier of the Order of Light.
Speaker: And the order that gives us all background about how the Order of Light, they don't they don't totally work extra judiciously, but they kind of do.
Speaker: But they basically do.
Speaker: They basically do.
Speaker: And then there's a little reference to how there was a beggar who taught him martial arts.
Speaker: And that's a throwback.
Speaker: That's a throwback to the fact that Raiden sometimes takes the form of a beggar to walk amongst the humans.
Speaker: And yeah, and he knows Kung Lao.
Speaker: He trained under Kung Lao as well.
Speaker: So all that fun stuff.
Speaker: He's got a couple buddies with them.
Speaker: Don't get used to them.
Speaker: They're
Speaker: They don't even have any lines, I don't think.
Speaker: I don't think they do.
Speaker: I don't think they say a single goddamn syllable.
Speaker: But he has a partner.
Speaker: He does have a partner.
Speaker: I didn't understand what the hell the two on the watch meant.
Speaker: I don't understand that either.
Speaker: He has a partner, and her name is Agent U.S. Operative Sonya Blade.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: I couldn't have seen this coming.
Speaker: So we're getting introduced to a new character, right, Kevin?
Speaker: Because we surely at this point have not yet met Sonya Blade.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: Here's the thing.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: She's Gilda.
Speaker: No, no, but it's Gilda.
Speaker: Her name is Gilda.
Speaker: So it can't be Sonya.
Speaker: Sonya Blade is pretending to be a mercenary for hire.
Speaker: Kevin, are you yanking my crank?
Speaker: She is 22 years old, fresh out of college.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: And is in a deep cover with one of the most notorious mercenary operations in the world.
Speaker: Next you're going to tell me she's not an ex-ballerina.
Speaker: That is actually, I'm not sure she might actually be a ballerina.
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know if that's actually, I may have fucked that up.
Speaker: Fucking Sonya Blade, you master of disguise.
Speaker: You master of disguise, Sonya Blade, disguised as a tall blonde woman.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Just, just.
Speaker: Which, of course, blends into the landscape of China like you wouldn't believe.
Speaker: Like you wouldn't believe.
Speaker: Almost as much as a guy with a robot face.
Speaker: Yeah, a guy with a half robot face and a tall blonde woman.
Speaker: I guess that kind of works.
Speaker: Just very, very inconspicuous.
Speaker: You love to see it.
Speaker: So now we're from Sonia's point of view, and she's basically trying to deescalate the situation because, you know, it's she's trying to and she has to be tough, but still like, hey, we don't need to, you know, start killing people.
Speaker: Right, right, right.
Speaker: So she's going to give herself away.
Speaker: She is basically she's on the verge of breaking her cover to save these people, but is able to kind of string everybody along and no gunshots are fired.
Speaker: So Kano, I had to highlight this Kano line.
Speaker: If this operation goes smooth, Kano had said to the priest, everyone lives.
Speaker: If not, then the flockmeister buys it toot sweet and some other villager gets to wear the leash.
Speaker: We got a radio here so I can stay in touch with whoever I leave behind.
Speaker: Capish.
Speaker: Capish.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: They spell both capish and toot sweet phonetically.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I was like, is it written that way?
Speaker: Is it written capisce as in, like, is he saying capisce wrong?
Speaker: Or is that...
Speaker: I was thinking that, too, because too sweet.
Speaker: That's just how you say it.
Speaker: But, you know, I don't know.
Speaker: I don't know if that's for Kano, like as a reflection of like, well, Kano probably wouldn't spell these words correctly.
Speaker: Or if it's for the audience.
Speaker: But you would have heard them said correctly.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: It is a weird couple of sentences.
Speaker: It just...
Speaker: It's weird.
Speaker: And it brings us to what you and I were talking about before we even started here, where it's just, it's really unclear who this book is for.
Speaker: I don't know who, what the audience is for this book.
Speaker: I mean, it's about in line with just about every, you know what it is?
Speaker: It's for the very, it's for the audience that really loves Commando.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right, right.
Speaker: And not necessarily the other Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
Speaker: I'm talking specifically Commando.
Speaker: Just Commando.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: Yeah, I think that's the audience.
Speaker: It's not even necessarily for fans of Mortal Kombat.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: No, I don't think it is either.
Speaker: Because I don't, well, you know, you have to admit they're in a weird position with trying to adapt to mortal combat because it's 1995.
Speaker: The movie's out.
Speaker: The games are hugely popular among kids, but they're not allowed to admit that they're hugely popular among kids because they're getting skinned alive, uh, in the news right there because of the violence and that sort of thing.
Speaker: No one had ever seen anything like it.
Speaker: And
Speaker: So it's this weird middle ground where they're trying to market to kids.
Speaker: They don't want it to be above too high of a reading level, but they have to make it.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: It's a weird, weird.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Some of the way it's written, some of the way it's written kind of borders on worlds of power, uh, vibes a little bit.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Not, not, not totally, but it, it,
Speaker: It feels like it totally that we're getting like, oh, this sounds like this chapter sounds like it could have come from a world's power book about Mortal Kombat.
Speaker: Especially with how short some of the chapters are.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Later on, we get a bunch of like chapters that are just one page long.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: They Dan Brown the fuck out of this book.
Speaker: They Dan Brown.
Speaker: There's a lot of Dan Browning later.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But yeah, so so they end up going back to the temple.
Speaker: They're being fed soup.
Speaker: There's some back and forth between Kano and the kid about whether the soup is poisoned.
Speaker: It's ultimately meaningless.
Speaker: Maybe this maybe the poison that the kid references will come back later.
Speaker: I don't think it will.
Speaker: I think that was another one that was just for the author.
Speaker: Yeah, it was just for the author.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: We got another musical theater reference from another member of the gang.
Speaker: So they probably sit around.
Speaker: They refer to, they said, it sounds like a Bob Hope movie.
Speaker: One of the ones he made with Bing Crosby and Dorothy L'Amour.
Speaker: Who is that for?
Speaker: Who is, who, who in the, if it's, if it is for,
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Who is it for?
Speaker: Is it?
Speaker: It's not for it's not for 20 something at this point.
Speaker: I don't think a 20 something is is going to be super familiar with the the Bob Hope Bing Crosby catalog.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And it's not for a 13 year old for the same reasons.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like it's it's a weird ass reference.
Speaker: And it's I it's I feel like the author is just amusing himself at this point.
Speaker: It's like, OK, this is let's just make this one.
Speaker: that the book was not for phil and i who would have been uh i was i was 11 when this came out you would have been 13 yeah and it's not for our older siblings and my my brother would have been uh 16 um at when this book came out like yeah who who
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I have to wonder.
Speaker: I really do.
Speaker: I would love to get our author on the show because this one very specifically, obviously, it's fun to have people to interview.
Speaker: We love doing that.
Speaker: We get to meet these.
Speaker: kick-ass authors yeah this one i really want to drill them about like all right what were the terms what did they tell you about the audience they were aiming for because i'm confused and i think you were too like i'm not gonna blame you for this but this is not the mortal combat audience necessarily no no it's it's some odd choices are being made that's all
Speaker: So this conversation goes on for pages, by the way.
Speaker: There's just back and forth between they get they get they finally find a figure out where the where Mount Ikafube is.
Speaker: It's now called, you know, Mount whatever, whatever, Anguilla or something.
Speaker: Anguillas.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And there's a Jason the Argonauts reference.
Speaker: Why not?
Speaker: Why not?
Speaker: Why not?
Speaker: Why not?
Speaker: And then Kano lays out the terms.
Speaker: Basically, him and a couple of others are going to and Kung Lao are going to go up and they're going to try to find the thing that he needs to find.
Speaker: And he's going to leave a couple others down here.
Speaker: And if if they run into any trouble, they're going to radio back and tell the guy that they leave behind to kill the kid and everybody in the town.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So that's that's basically that's the stakes.
Speaker: Kano Kano sets the stakes for our heroes.
Speaker: Like I will kill everybody if you fuck fuck around with me.
Speaker: which I appreciate a clear statement of stakes.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: You know, as much as Kano is fun for like the nastiness and all that stuff, you don't expect him to be this important of a character as important as he becomes later.
Speaker: It's,
Speaker: It's an interesting choice, but at least we're following a character that we can get behind on certain levels.
Speaker: So, okay, fine.
Speaker: We're in.
Speaker: We're in.
Speaker: We're in chapter 17.
Speaker: 17.
Speaker: 17.
Speaker: And we got Shang Tsung and our good friend Ruth A, who it's been like...
Speaker: thousands of years or hundreds of years or whatever.
Speaker: And Ruth is still stuck in one spot.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So Ruth has got to be complete because they were talking about like in a short amount of time, just being stuck between worlds that Ruth was getting completely unhinged.
Speaker: He must just be a tortured, horrible being at this point.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So basically Ruth A is pretty sure that Raiden is is going to start interfering soon because they're there.
Speaker: Basically, Shang Tsung wants the amulet.
Speaker: He is so old and decrepit at this point that he needs the amulet that the OG Kung Lao buried in order to actually be able to, you know, do shit.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And Ruth A is like, well, you know, you can't.
Speaker: He's going to intervene, but he can't actually touch the amulet because of the rules we established in part one where God cannot touch something.
Speaker: Still one of the more interesting things in this book.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And basically.
Speaker: So this is the thing.
Speaker: A couple of chapters earlier, we were told.
Speaker: Sub-Zero, don't bother finding him.
Speaker: Goro can't find him, so we're hiring Kano.
Speaker: Kano's good people.
Speaker: He's the second best guy on the list.
Speaker: Sub-Zero would have been number one.
Speaker: Can't find him.
Speaker: We're going with musical referencing robot eye Kano instead because...
Speaker: That's just way better.
Speaker: Just as good.
Speaker: Every bit as good.
Speaker: All four arms are like waving.
Speaker: He's like, Shang Tsung, I'm telling you, boobie.
Speaker: Can't find him.
Speaker: Can't find him.
Speaker: Ruth A, the demon that he keeps in his bedroom, there's an anchor between the Outworld and the Earth realm.
Speaker: is like, oh yeah, Sub-Zero is like in this cave.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He was in a cave the whole time.
Speaker: It was like, it was like, we established three chapters earlier that Sub-Zero was unfindable.
Speaker: Just like a man of mystery.
Speaker: Carmen Sandiego in a different colored outfit.
Speaker: Can't find him.
Speaker: Three chapters later, Shang Tsung just asks the demon that he keeps in his room.
Speaker: Oh yeah, he's over there.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: This is what happens when you don't listen to your help.
Speaker: Just imagine Ruth Day just sitting there going, I wish you would have said something earlier.
Speaker: Why didn't you ask me earlier?
Speaker: You wouldn't even have to have hired Tano.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I've just been hanging out.
Speaker: I've literally been doing nothing but playing video games.
Speaker: I've been doing nothing but...
Speaker: Just keeping this portal open and get it.
Speaker: Just ask me.
Speaker: I'm so bored.
Speaker: I would have loved to have chatted about anything.
Speaker: I would have anything.
Speaker: I'll tell you where Sub-Zero is.
Speaker: He's over there.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: No, guess what?
Speaker: He doesn't even want to get paid.
Speaker: That's easily even outside of the country.
Speaker: He's here.
Speaker: He's here.
Speaker: He is within a couple hours of this location, as we'll find out.
Speaker: As we'll find out.
Speaker: Which, okay.
Speaker: And I feel like Shang Tsung is going to be just like, oh, God damn it.
Speaker: Like, you know, that feeling.
Speaker: Guru must not have tried very hard.
Speaker: You know, that feeling when you, when you are on the phone with someone and you start looking for your phone and you panic because you can't find your phone while you're talking to someone on the phone with them.
Speaker: I feel like that times a 100 is what Shang Tsung is dealing with here.
Speaker: Yeah, that that's basically Shang Tsung's life at the moment.
Speaker: Ruth, they give him the whole rundown of, OK, why is Sub-Zero hiding?
Speaker: We never really got into that.
Speaker: Actually, we did.
Speaker: Goro said Sub-Zero is hiding because he killed somebody.
Speaker: Yeah, he killed someone.
Speaker: He ruined a sac like what it was of a sacred place.
Speaker: Yeah, he dumped the body in a sacred river.
Speaker: And apparently the god demon, the demigod of you, who is the demigod of rivers and canals or something like that, is like fucking pissed about that.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, he's cursed.
Speaker: He is not too fond of Sub-Zero right now.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Which is frustrating, but you've got to figure like, it's like, God damn it.
Speaker: Do I have to check with every local Demi Gorgon before I drop a body in a trash can?
Speaker: I'm on Sub-Zero side for that one.
Speaker: When I tell you to drop the body in the mash, you drop the body in the mash.
Speaker: Not where John Hancock goes every Thursday to get a fucking blowjob.
Speaker: This is.
Speaker: It's just unfair.
Speaker: This is not reality TV.
Speaker: Don't laugh!
Speaker: Don't laugh!
Speaker: We'll have to eventually we're going to do a super cut of the Departed references.
Speaker: We just have to.
Speaker: We're going to have to, you know, one day when we open a Patreon and we want some sort of reward, we're just going to have to talk our way through all of Departed and that'll be... Yeah, it'll be a riff track of Departed basically.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: It'll just be us quoting the movie back at the movie.
Speaker: It'll go the same way if we do Predator, which I think we should.
Speaker: We should.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: We should.
Speaker: So, all right.
Speaker: So.
Speaker: Cranberry juice.
Speaker: What are you on?
Speaker: What are you on?
Speaker: You period?
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: Anyhow, anyhow, Shang Tsung finds out that not only is Sub-Zero nearby, but he's also a bargain because he happens to be cursed.
Speaker: And all he wants in return are robes.
Speaker: So our scrolls rather.
Speaker: And so Shang Tsung writes a little note on a piece of paper, gives it to his bird, Hamachi, and
Speaker: And a little white dove.
Speaker: They call it a white pigeon, don't they?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Something like that.
Speaker: And then he sends it off and he's like, yeah, Machi will take care of that.
Speaker: And he promises the bird.
Speaker: He says, come back safely and soon and I will offer up a human sacrifice to you.
Speaker: That's like the most satanic pigeon I've ever heard from.
Speaker: And I lived in Manhattan.
Speaker: But he offered a whole human sacrifice to this pigeon.
Speaker: You know, Shang Tsung, though, is a bird guy.
Speaker: He fucking he's a bird.
Speaker: He loves his birds.
Speaker: And that seems to be I don't know if we're ever going to capitalize on the fact that he is he is an avid bird lover.
Speaker: That just seems to be a fun character.
Speaker: He's a birder.
Speaker: He's a bird.
Speaker: He's avid for the aviary.
Speaker: Anyway, chapter 18.
Speaker: 18, 18, 18.
Speaker: We get, basically, this whole chapter is told, most of the chapter is told without revealing who the person is in the cave, even though we know that it's Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: It's so weird.
Speaker: Like, why are you... Who are they...
Speaker: why is he trying to butter up here why is this being withheld from us we know sub-zero is in a cave and that the bird is coming to him we know that he that he is his payment is scrolls magic scrolls because he's just looking for knowledge yeah like we've got all that information and they still go who's it gonna be
Speaker: You don't know.
Speaker: You don't know for sure.
Speaker: So he killed a dude named Yong Park who he calls a traitor.
Speaker: Basically, Yong Park was a former ninja named Scorpion who left the ninja in ways to just become a tollbooth collector.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You do what you do.
Speaker: Where's that prequel game?
Speaker: Scorpions Tollbooth.
Speaker: Scorpions Tollbooth.
Speaker: That actually sounds like a really warped kid's show.
Speaker: Scorpions Tollbooth.
Speaker: Get over here.
Speaker: Get over here to Scorpion's Tollbooth.
Speaker: So we get a nice little arm up moment where Sub-Zero puts on all of his gear, his blue armor and robes.
Speaker: And despite his... I highlighted something.
Speaker: Despite his many accoutrements, the ninja was able to move with ease and secrecy, slipping back toward the mouth of the cave.
Speaker: The feared and enigmatic Sub-Zero crept out and made his way quickly down the face of the cliff to the beach below.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So it's just a whole background.
Speaker: It's like a little bit kind of a lore dump on Sub-Zero.
Speaker: It feels more like kind of a double beat, actually, because we heard a lot of this already from other people.
Speaker: And now we're hearing it from Sub-Zero's point of view.
Speaker: But we really did not need to rash him on this bit of information over and over again.
Speaker: No, I don't think we did.
Speaker: I don't think we did.
Speaker: But guess what?
Speaker: It's not the last time we're going to hear it.
Speaker: No.
Speaker: No, it's not.
Speaker: And it's also weird because the first part was a third of the book.
Speaker: it was not a very long section.
Speaker: Um, but we only got introduced to like three characters, uh, in, in the whole thing.
Speaker: And so it actually was a pretty paced, pretty well paced section of the book.
Speaker: If you ask me.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: But now we're getting a new character every other chapter.
Speaker: And then we're repeating shit that was already said in previous chapters.
Speaker: Like, there's, we don't have time.
Speaker: Like, we're running out of book.
Speaker: We're halfway through the book.
Speaker: We've got Kano.
Speaker: We've got Sonya Blade.
Speaker: We've got the, we've got Liu Kang.
Speaker: We've got, uh, we've got the new Kung Lao who, like,
Speaker: Just because his name is Kung Lao doesn't mean he's the same Kung Lao.
Speaker: You gotta establish him as a completely, he's a different person.
Speaker: I've stopped.
Speaker: I've stopped wondering where his goddamn hat is, by the way, because maybe it's not, maybe it's not hat Kung Lao.
Speaker: Maybe he was a weird part of the generation.
Speaker: I don't know yet because they keep pulling the rug out.
Speaker: Where is Kung Lao and his goddamn razor blade hat?
Speaker: I want his hat.
Speaker: We all want that hat.
Speaker: That's literally all anyone knows about Kung Lao is the hat.
Speaker: We get a big chapter, chapter 19, nice and beefy.
Speaker: It's a, it's a solid, uh, stake of a chapter, um, where young park is the point of view character.
Speaker: The, the man who would be, who was once scorpion and will be again is basically having a conversation with you, uh, the demigod of, of rivers and wetlands and marshes, uh,
Speaker: The Fens in Boston are particularly one of his, one of his, which, by the way, you know, you know, Scorpion with his, with his get over here ability and his flame abilities and everything like that, you know, you, you would expect to get those kinds of powers from a God of rivers.
Speaker: You would expect it.
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Fine.
Speaker: Whatever.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So we get a recap of Scorpion's death and it's gruesome.
Speaker: He gets basically, he got sliced up a lot.
Speaker: He got disemboweled.
Speaker: He got everything.
Speaker: Sub-Zero really fucked him up.
Speaker: Really fucked him up.
Speaker: It was personal.
Speaker: Then, then he dumped the body in the water.
Speaker: And it wasn't, that's when it crossed the line for you.
Speaker: I'm like, whoa.
Speaker: Hey, now that's my, like I can, I can, I can get behind like mutilating him like a cow under UFO, but no way, no way.
Speaker: A single drop of blood in my river.
Speaker: So guess what?
Speaker: You is like, we need to get revenge on this motherfucker.
Speaker: And Yong is like, do we have to?
Speaker: And you was like, yeah.
Speaker: He's not particularly interested.
Speaker: He's not particularly interested because you was like, he's like, well, here's what I'm going to do.
Speaker: I'm going to take you.
Speaker: I'm going to, I'm going to tell you to go to your son and go in his body.
Speaker: And there you go.
Speaker: It's like a ghost writer situation.
Speaker: Isn't that fun?
Speaker: Isn't that fun?
Speaker: You read the comic, the Marvel comic Ghost Rider, we're going to Ghost Rider you.
Speaker: You're going to go in there.
Speaker: Yeah, we're going to Ghost Rider your son.
Speaker: You're going to have a skull and everything.
Speaker: You're going to love it.
Speaker: You're going to love it.
Speaker: He's going to love it.
Speaker: Everybody's going to love it.
Speaker: Scorpion's over here going, I would really just, I've had a really long life.
Speaker: I'm kind of ready just to go to heaven or something.
Speaker: I'd rather not.
Speaker: Nah, nah.
Speaker: We've got to kill this guy who polluted my river with a filthy, filthy corpse.
Speaker: My river?
Speaker: with a filthy corpse and be like, but it was my body.
Speaker: Be like, yeah, it's like we're talking about me.
Speaker: Yeah, it was disgusting.
Speaker: Disgusting.
Speaker: Blood entrails everywhere.
Speaker: Fucking gross.
Speaker: People are it took them 20 minutes to clean all of it up.
Speaker: It was bullshit.
Speaker: So after being getting his arm twisted, Scorpion doth protest too much.
Speaker: But then he eventually says yes.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: All right, fine.
Speaker: Let's go find my theater major of a son.
Speaker: Let's go find my theater major of a son.
Speaker: Then I'll possess his body, I guess.
Speaker: That's not weird.
Speaker: So now we get a series of just weird-ass chapters, as if the previous ones weren't weird.
Speaker: Yeah, by the way, we haven't gotten to the weird part yet.
Speaker: We haven't even gotten to the weirdness yet.
Speaker: Kano and Kung Lao and the group are walking up the mountain,
Speaker: Kano has a great line about the order of light.
Speaker: He says, you're a priest of what now?
Speaker: The order of light was that like religion light doesn't fill you up.
Speaker: Was that a beer reference?
Speaker: Do you take that as Miller Lite?
Speaker: Yes, it's a beer reference.
Speaker: Okay, good.
Speaker: I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy.
Speaker: It's a light beer reference.
Speaker: I'm pretty sure.
Speaker: Less filling.
Speaker: It's less filling.
Speaker: So there's more back and forth between Kano and Kung Lao and all that stuff.
Speaker: It's not super interesting basically until Raiden shows up.
Speaker: Raiden shows up and goes, shut up.
Speaker: Stop talking.
Speaker: I'm dying over here.
Speaker: Raiden is just so done.
Speaker: Raiden's like, yeah, just knock it off.
Speaker: And they're all like, what's going on?
Speaker: And then before anything really gets going, Shang Tsung and Goro show up through a portal, which they can do, as you do.
Speaker: Yeah, they just show up.
Speaker: They show up.
Speaker: We're here and now it's a whole it's a thing.
Speaker: It becomes a it is officially a thing.
Speaker: It is officially a thing.
Speaker: But we're meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile,
Speaker: We haven't had one of those in a minute.
Speaker: We haven't had one of those in a minute.
Speaker: This book does not lead itself to meanwhiles necessarily.
Speaker: No, I guess it doesn't.
Speaker: This is a true meanwhile because this is just somewhere completely fucking else.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: This Yong Park goes to his son, Soe Park, and is like, hey, son, can I possess your body?
Speaker: And his son is like, what?
Speaker: No, this is the grief.
Speaker: And that is the most, that is probably the most accurate response in this book so far.
Speaker: The realest bit of dialogue because he's mourning his father.
Speaker: A spirit shows up and asks him that time honored, treasured question that every son waits for his father to ask.
Speaker: May I possess your body so that we may enact bloody revenge upon my assassin?
Speaker: And and the kid says, but I was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters.
Speaker: And he goes, we really got to do this.
Speaker: And he's like, oh, yeah, fine.
Speaker: And he talks about it.
Speaker: Doesn't take long.
Speaker: He talks him into it.
Speaker: His son is totally gung-ho by the end of this little chat.
Speaker: He's like, at the end of this, he goes from, ah, nah, nah, nah, that's where he starts, and by the end he's, I am ready, father, ready to let those who wronged you feel my wrath, the wrath of Scorpion.
Speaker: Scorpion, okay.
Speaker: Get over here.
Speaker: The well-known river monster, Scorpions.
Speaker: He leaves a note telling his mommy not to worry.
Speaker: Which what a detail, by the way.
Speaker: What a detail.
Speaker: Don't worry, mommy.
Speaker: They could have just.
Speaker: Possessed by daddy.
Speaker: It feels like they really, they kind of cut themselves off at the knees there where it was just like, it ends with, ready to let those who wronged you feel my wrath, the wrath of Scorpion.
Speaker: That should be a fucking cut.
Speaker: A jump cut too.
Speaker: And instead, after writing a note telling his mother not to worry about him, he left by window.
Speaker: He packed himself a lunch at PB&J.
Speaker: And he left by window.
Speaker: Crust cut off.
Speaker: Crust cut off.
Speaker: Because he's not a savage.
Speaker: There was a huge argument over whether it should be horizontal or diagonally cut.
Speaker: And then they were on their way.
Speaker: And yeah.
Speaker: And by the time they got halfway out the door, they realized they'd left the bag lunch behind them.
Speaker: And they had a good laugh.
Speaker: They had a good laugh together as father and son sharing one ghost ridered body.
Speaker: Chapter 22.
Speaker: Chapter 22.
Speaker: Like, what the fuck?
Speaker: Raiden and Goro have a little tet and then they start beating the shit out of each other.
Speaker: Yes, they do.
Speaker: They just...
Speaker: No one's happy here.
Speaker: There's no one.
Speaker: No one's happy.
Speaker: There's there's a lot of back and forth, but it really doesn't matter.
Speaker: It's just it's it could just be like Shao.
Speaker: They're trying to talk Shang Tsung into like not supporting Shao Kahn anymore.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Which is an interesting angle.
Speaker: That's not one you would have expected in Mortal Kombat.
Speaker: And he actually even admits he's like, hey, I know what you're saying.
Speaker: You're thinking.
Speaker: Trust me.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I've already thought of that.
Speaker: I've already thought of that.
Speaker: I'm I'm cool.
Speaker: I know what's going on.
Speaker: Rain's like, you sure?
Speaker: And and and Shang Tsung is like, yeah, you know, Shao Kahn is like, you know, he's a he's a douche, but he's a douche.
Speaker: I know he's my douche.
Speaker: Yeah, but he's my douche.
Speaker: And and Raiden's like, all right.
Speaker: And then Goro punches him.
Speaker: And they just kind of get into a fight, and then he does a move.
Speaker: He does like a lightning missile attack into Goro's chest.
Speaker: And yeah, there's a lot of back and forth here.
Speaker: There's a lot of talking, a little bit of fighting, and yeah, there...
Speaker: Apparently, Raiden's electricity power basically helps Shang Tsung complete a spell that he has been working on.
Speaker: He's basically hoisting himself by his own petard.
Speaker: And we are left at the end of the chapter wondering what sort of strange, horrible thing that Shang Tsung was planning.
Speaker: And it actually is a cliffhanger for once.
Speaker: It is a cliffhanger.
Speaker: Instead of saying what it is 14 times.
Speaker: Chapter 23.
Speaker: Chapter 23.
Speaker: And we get introduced to something that I don't know what this is.
Speaker: But Shang Tsung has merged Kung Lao and Kano together into a smoke monster.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: That he calls Kano Lao.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You remember that point in Alien vs. Predator, where the chestburster comes out of the Predator and it morphs into a Predalien and it's got the crazy crab face, but also the double jaws?
Speaker: That's what we're dealing with.
Speaker: The best and the worst brought together just like bubblegum and peanuts.
Speaker: Just a mess.
Speaker: You got bubblegum in my peanuts.
Speaker: Why would you- Yeah, you got peanuts in my bubblegum.
Speaker: Why did you spit out your chewed bubblegum on my peanuts?
Speaker: Question is, why are your peanuts in the way of my chewed up bubblegum, motherfucker?
Speaker: So anyway, yeah, it's a mess.
Speaker: It's a mess, yeah.
Speaker: Basically, there's a... We get... There's the mind of Kano.
Speaker: We do get detail here where it's like, the whole thing is that if...
Speaker: He does.
Speaker: He does that because if Raiden, here it is, he says, he says, if you try and interfere with them, Raiden, I will allow the smoke to dissipate.
Speaker: And when it does, Kano's soul will go straight to the outworld, dragging Kung Lao's with it.
Speaker: Do you know what that means?
Speaker: It means that Shao Kahn will have enough souls to cross over.
Speaker: Which.
Speaker: OK.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So basically this is this is Shang Tsung is basically just using this as his gambit to get the amulet because, yes, he doesn't he doesn't want to let he doesn't want to let what's his name Shao Kahn through unless he's at his peak, which he needs the amulet to do so.
Speaker: So, but he will, he will dead man's trigger that the smoke monster and off, off you pop.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So, yeah, there is like, don't interfere.
Speaker: I promise I won't leave.
Speaker: Basically, Raiden says I'll stay right here.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And Raiden does a lot of, you know, it's similar to like with them saying to Shang Tsung's like, hey, let's try and reason with you.
Speaker: It's kind of strange because just like that, Raiden just they just kind of trust him.
Speaker: Raiden says, if I do not leave here, do you give me your promise that no harm will come to the monks or priests?
Speaker: No harm will befall them, said Shang Tsung, nor will I or any of my agents move against your temples or your books and your scrolls.
Speaker: And Raiden's just like, alright, well that's a face you can trust.
Speaker: Yeah, that's a wizened old man that you can trust clearly.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: The most terrifying moment is when he wants to talk to Kung Lao.
Speaker: Speaking of a face you can trust.
Speaker: And Kano's mouth just like opens all the way up and Kung Lao's head sticks out.
Speaker: Like the alien tiny head.
Speaker: That is some serious fucking body horror out of nowhere.
Speaker: Out of nowhere.
Speaker: Out of nowhere.
Speaker: Any other book, TV show, movie, if you've got like a mixing of the souls, you would have just had like them say, you know, Kano spoke, but it was with Kung Lao's voice.
Speaker: It was super spooky and weird.
Speaker: They literally have Kano's jaw dislocate and Kung Lao's head pop out and go, what is it, boss?
Speaker: It's fucking insane.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: It is.
Speaker: And then Sonya Blade basically chooses this opportunity to try to kill somebody.
Speaker: And Shang Tsung picks up on it and is like, well, OK, well, somebody needs to be taught a lesson.
Speaker: Go kill the kid, like call back, go kill the kid in the temple.
Speaker: And meanwhile, we get meanwhile, Liu Kang is is we get some backstory for Liu Kang and his brother.
Speaker: I don't care.
Speaker: Liu Kang remains the most boring character.
Speaker: So boring.
Speaker: Whether you're watching the movies or playing the games or I never I don't I never watched the cartoon show that they used to do.
Speaker: But Liu Kang was always the most.
Speaker: He was always the main character for some reason.
Speaker: But he was always the most boring.
Speaker: Yeah, I just don't care.
Speaker: I don't care.
Speaker: I don't care.
Speaker: He's talking about his brother in some game they played.
Speaker: Liu Kang basically is approaching the temple.
Speaker: I don't know where Liu Kang was coming from.
Speaker: in the other chapter that he's suddenly there, but he is.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He's in the village.
Speaker: He's in the village and he's approaching the temple and he's hearing the, the other end of the radio call to execute the kid.
Speaker: And he's like, Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to do something about this.
Speaker: And then the building blows up.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I better do something.
Speaker: And then everything explodes.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Okay, fine.
Speaker: And on the other side of basically the call goes dead.
Speaker: Chapter 25, we're back and the call is dead.
Speaker: And you're like, huh, well, that's weird.
Speaker: Something weird happened.
Speaker: And basically Raiden is standing there like.
Speaker: Just twiddling his thumbs.
Speaker: I said I'd never leave.
Speaker: I didn't say I wouldn't send a lightning bolt down.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You got me.
Speaker: And I a stinker.
Speaker: Yeah, he basically, he does the Bugs Bunny defense there.
Speaker: The classic Bugs Bunny defense.
Speaker: um and then basically we get uh two words we're in chapter 26 now this chat it's like the chapters are coming fast and furious at this point it's a two paragraph chapter uh it's it's basically the the lightning bolt strike from the point of view of the kid in the room uh and chin chin basically gets it just says chin chin gets out um
Speaker: Kevin, you're not going to believe this.
Speaker: I actually counted it.
Speaker: This is a four sentence chapter.
Speaker: The last paragraph just looks like a paragraph because it takes up six lines.
Speaker: It's but it's a single sentence.
Speaker: That is a single sentence.
Speaker: It is a single sentence.
Speaker: OK, so, yeah, it's got commas.
Speaker: It's got end dashes.
Speaker: It's got a lot going on to really string it together.
Speaker: Got it all, baby.
Speaker: Chapter 27.
Speaker: So Chin Chin is live.
Speaker: Thank God I was worried about Chin Chin.
Speaker: And Liu Kang is like, oh, what the fuck?
Speaker: And then he gets hit with a pole.
Speaker: And wouldn't you know it?
Speaker: Wouldn't you know it?
Speaker: Sub-Zero is here.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a very important pole because we got the whole, a few chapters ago, we got this whole
Speaker: gearing up scene that you mentioned before and they go into great detail on all the cool shit that his uniform and his weapons can do and as far as i can tell we basically use none of that except for the pole he's got a pole he's got a pole and he does stick
Speaker: Him and Liu Kang, they go at it.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: But Sub-Zero is, like Liu Kang isn't really a match for Sub-Zero because Sub-Zero is, even though Sub-Zero is just a man, he's a man with a shit ton of ice magic.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And Liu Kang makes a point of saying, because he literally has one throwing star.
Speaker: Like he reaches into his belt for his throwing star, singular, and it's missing.
Speaker: And I'm like, what are they fucking, you on a budget?
Speaker: Why do you only have one throwing star?
Speaker: Where did the other ones go?
Speaker: I think, Kevin, I think he only had one throwing star.
Speaker: I think he thought that was going to be enough.
Speaker: The one throwing star.
Speaker: The one throwing star.
Speaker: He throws it, he goes and he gets it and he uses it again.
Speaker: He goes again, he gets it back.
Speaker: Sure, sure.
Speaker: He's a big fan of Captain Planet.
Speaker: You know, this is about the right era.
Speaker: You know, he's your grandpa who lived through the depression being like, hey, that's still a good throwing star.
Speaker: We can still use that.
Speaker: We can still use that.
Speaker: You put those leather shoes into a pot of boiling water and you get yourself some soup.
Speaker: You got a soup.
Speaker: Some leather stew soup.
Speaker: That's Liu Kang.
Speaker: I ate a lot of this in the 80s.
Speaker: Just for fun.
Speaker: And they're fighting.
Speaker: And at one point, by the way, Sub-Zero fires an ice bolt at Liu Kang.
Speaker: And Liu Kang counters with a fireball, which, yeah, sure.
Speaker: That's a thing that Liu Kang can do.
Speaker: Liu Kang, now that he's been struck by lightning, he's like, oh, I got fireballs now.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's the gravitas that it is treated with in the book.
Speaker: He's right.
Speaker: He just kind of rolls with it.
Speaker: He just goes, oh, sick.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: I can do this now.
Speaker: But my favorite line of this entire chapter was even a ninja was not immune to bullets.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: He bemoans the fact that he doesn't have any weapons and like, oh, man, wish I had a gun.
Speaker: Wish I had a gun.
Speaker: This guy who's like the holy order of the light or whatever, and he's like, ah, man.
Speaker: Where's my boomstick when you need one?
Speaker: Just imagine.
Speaker: Mortal Kombat, round one, fight.
Speaker: And then Liu Kang pulls out a gun and shoots Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Liu Kang wins.
Speaker: And everyone goes, oh, Jesus Christ, he fucking shot him.
Speaker: He fucking shot him.
Speaker: Oh, my God.
Speaker: Liu Kang fatality.
Speaker: just cuts to Shang Tsang going, all right, let's be cool.
Speaker: Let's be cool.
Speaker: Jesus.
Speaker: I knew he was going to shoot him.
Speaker: Who's got a gun?
Speaker: Who brings a gun to Mortal Kombat?
Speaker: Who did that?
Speaker: I can't believe it took this long, actually, now that I think of it.
Speaker: There is a gun guy in Mortal Kombat, isn't there?
Speaker: Striker.
Speaker: Here's the... Striker uses a gun.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, he's got it.
Speaker: He's got several, I believe.
Speaker: So yeah, he, he must, he must just, everyone must just must feel fucking stupid.
Speaker: He's like, I brought guns.
Speaker: A gun.
Speaker: I brought a knife.
Speaker: Why did I bring a knife?
Speaker: I'm an idiot.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: So now Sub-Zero fucking takes a powder and gets out of there.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Liu Kang and Chin Chin run off from him.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Liu Kang basically dives into the library and Sub-Zero just kind of vanishes.
Speaker: And Chin Chin and Liu Kang are like, hey, how you doing?
Speaker: We're live.
Speaker: Raiden must have saved us.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Thanks, Raiden.
Speaker: And then basically Liu Kang knows it.
Speaker: OK, well, Sub-Zero is out there somewhere and it's nighttime and it would be best if I didn't try to pursue him out into the darkness where he can hide.
Speaker: And he also puts it together that, oh, oh man, my friends who had no speaking lines, my good buddies are dead.
Speaker: Are dead.
Speaker: Are they're dead?
Speaker: Because, because.
Speaker: It's a wrap on.
Speaker: Bad names?
Speaker: What's a, what's a majigger and Don Cheadle, weirdly enough.
Speaker: Don Cheadle.
Speaker: Oh yeah, it's Guy Lai and Wilson Tong.
Speaker: Those are our... They're dead.
Speaker: They're dead.
Speaker: Remember all the investment you had in Wilson Tong?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: He was my favorite.
Speaker: I was hoping they were going to work him into one of the games.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So that's... I mean, we thought that there would be another part break at this point, but there isn't.
Speaker: So we're just going to leave it at that point.
Speaker: Sub-Zero disappears into the Knights.
Speaker: Liu Kang is...
Speaker: He's a sad boy.
Speaker: He's sad.
Speaker: His friends are dead.
Speaker: Maybe in the next, you know, the last section of this book that we get to, they'll actually have a Mortal Kombat tournament.
Speaker: Maybe.
Speaker: Maybe.
Speaker: If you get a little Mortal Kombat in your Mortal Kombat.
Speaker: Can we have Mortal Kombat in our Mortal Kombat book?
Speaker: I don't, I don't think that's too much to ask.
Speaker: No, it's actually had more gun battles.
Speaker: Uh, it's we're at page 198 of this, of this EPUB that we're reading it from.
Speaker: And, uh,
Speaker: Yeah, it's 27 chapters in, 198 pages in, and there was a mortal, there was, we fast forwarded.
Speaker: There's an old Mortal Kombat.
Speaker: There's an old Mortal Kombat tournament where we basically got none of the fights and the original Kung Lao getting killed by Goro.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker: And I guess, you know, they've got so many characters they want to include, you know, because like, who's your favorite Mortal Kombat character?
Speaker: Well, he better not.
Speaker: He better be in the goddamn book or I'm going to raise hell, I guess, is they're thinking.
Speaker: It's hilarious that there's that there's no reference of Johnny Cage.
Speaker: None.
Speaker: They didn't have a problem leaving him out.
Speaker: Unless the TV star that Kano killed was Johnny Cage, in which case, A plus, five stars, best video game novelization.
Speaker: If it was Johnny Cage, that would be good.
Speaker: That would be just great.
Speaker: Especially with the idea that he's wearing a hairpiece.
Speaker: I'm loving every moment of it.
Speaker: Okay, so the original game, let's see, I'm looking up.
Speaker: There's seven characters, right?
Speaker: so in in the first game there's johnny cage kano lu kang uh raiden scorpion sonya blade sub-zero goro shang sung and reptile uh the only ones that we have not seen are johnny cage and reptile
Speaker: And I think the demon might be meant to be reptile.
Speaker: I maybe that might just because it begins is what's his name birthday or whatever it is.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It begins with an R and he's like a squirrely kind of demon guy.
Speaker: Maybe.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: yeah and then in mortal kombat 2 which we're also pulling from is um is baraka uh obama uh jade jax kintaro uh katana kung lao melina noob saibot shao khan and smoke
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I thought when he was doing the smoke thing, I was like, are we getting smoke right now?
Speaker: Like I literally thought it was like, is he summoning smoke?
Speaker: We get two different chapters that the cliffhanger ending is that Shang Tsung is like,
Speaker: producing smoke that's turning into a spell.
Speaker: And no, no, that's not happening.
Speaker: It's it's funny because if they're willing to cut out Johnny Cage, who was kind of an important part of the original game, why not cut a couple more people out and just make a more, you know, a story that hangs together a little easier?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That would make more sense.
Speaker: Also, so 1995 is when Mortal Kombat 3 is released.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So it's three.
Speaker: So yeah.
Speaker: So like they're even.
Speaker: So it feels like it feels like if they wanted.
Speaker: They have, you have even more characters that you could have pulled from, which include Jax, no, Jax was in two.
Speaker: Cyrax, Cable, Nightwolf, Sector, Sindel, Shiva, and Striker.
Speaker: Yeah, so that was my last.
Speaker: Yeah, that was the last one that I, oh yeah, and then you got Ermac, Chameleon, Motaro, Rain, basically all of the palette swaps of Scorpion and Sub-Zero.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: They went real slap happy with that.
Speaker: Really, really hard on the palette swabs for Scorpion.
Speaker: It's a pretty kick ass character model, but Jesus Christ guys.
Speaker: Oh God.
Speaker: It's like smoke, reptile, uh, Cyrax.
Speaker: Um, so many of them are just, just like slight, slightly different looking versions of that same, same model.
Speaker: I think in recent years, they've distinguished them more.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Especially people like reptile and shit like that.
Speaker: They gave them,
Speaker: their whole other thing a little bit more stuff so weird so weird so yeah that's part two of Mortal Kombat this is a weird ass book and it is a weird book as you said I don't know who this is for I don't I don't know who this is for I don't know I don't know how much young adults would have enjoyed it I don't know how much kids would have gotten out of it
Speaker: Um, because, you know, here's the thing.
Speaker: I remember being a kid and one of the things that I, I wasn't allowed to see certain movies, you know, like a lot of kids were, uh, at that age.
Speaker: Um, and, uh, even if it was a PG 13 movie, you know, and, uh, I wasn't allowed to see Batman returns, for example, I wanted to see it real bad, uh, but I couldn't see it, but I was allowed to read all the comic books I wanted.
Speaker: And in the early mid nineties, that's when they were going,
Speaker: bug fuck crazy.
Speaker: Uh, and, uh, they had lots of comic books that were basically the sequential art novelization of these movies.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So I got to find out what happened in Batman forever.
Speaker: I got to find out what happened in aliens.
Speaker: I got to find out all this shit because I could read the comic books and, uh,
Speaker: And I got to tell you, if I wanted a Mortal Kombat version of that, this would not have satisfied me.
Speaker: There would have been there just not enough severed heads.
Speaker: Not enough.
Speaker: Not enough.
Speaker: Oh, so yeah, that'll do it for tonight's episode.
Speaker: We yeah.
Speaker: Follow us on Twitter at pixel at pod.
Speaker: Depending on whether Elon Musk has burned Twitter to the ground between now and when this episode comes out.
Speaker: Follow us on Instagram at Pixlet Pod.
Speaker: Go to our website, PixletPod.com.
Speaker: And, you know, just check.
Speaker: Our own little slice of digital real estate.
Speaker: Our own little slice of digital real estate.
Speaker: Also, we have a Discord.
Speaker: If you want to just come in and say hi, go to our Discord.
Speaker: The link is available on PixletPod.com.
Speaker: And also the link is in the description for the show notes.
Speaker: So if you want to get in there and chat with some other fans of the show, go ahead.
Speaker: It's a fun little place and we want to get more friendly fan types in there.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: Yeah, that'll do it for tonight's episode.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker: Have a good night, everybody.
Speaker: Bye.
