Transcript
Speaker: Choosing a surrogacy agency is one of the biggest decisions you'll make, whether you're hoping to become a surrogate or grow your family through surrogacy. But here's what most people don't realize. Not all agencies operate the same way.
Speaker: By the end of this conversation, you'll know what questions to ask, what red flags to watch for, and what every surrogate and intended parent should expect from the people guiding their journey.
Speaker: I'm joined by the education and matching team at egg donor and surrogate solutions, a team made up of former surrogates, intended parents, and industry professionals with more than 15 years of experience helping families navigate this process.
Speaker: Together, we're talking about everything from education and screening to matching, communication, advocacy, and the standard every program should meet. So whether you're comparing agencies, just beginning your research, or already in the application process, this conversation is going to help you recognize what great support really looks like. Because the right team won't just help you navigate the process. They'll help you move forward feeling informed, supported, respected, and truly seen every step of the way.
Speaker: Enjoy.
Speaker: Okay, so to get started, Lauren, after, and not to like totally call you out, but you've been in the industry the longest. Thank you. Yes, which we love, our sage. A lot of women, they want to be a surrogate.
Speaker: They're looking for a resource. They go to Google. It's incredibly overwhelming. When or, you know, my favorite, they go to the Facebook groups and, you know, things like that.
Speaker: When they start going down their search, when somebody is just even thinking about how do I start? What do you think are some of the questions that they need to be asking?
Speaker: Well, first thing I say is I think when they go to Google, the first thing they need to realize is that the people who come up at the top of that search are the people with the most money. Paid for it. Like that paid for the ads that tend to be the much larger agencies that do not necessarily put what the surrogates needs are first. Because they're trying to do as many as possible instead of the best matches possible.
Speaker: Barrett, you're kind of our front door. When you hear the the question of what should they be looking for whenever they're discerning, yeah what are kind of some of the things that come up for you? Yeah, to piggyback on that, like you you want an agency to help you. You don't want an organization, right? Like I don't want like Honda to run like my third agency, you know?
Speaker: One thing I didn't know when I was first when i was first researching is like, We're in the baby business. We are 24 hours. Things happen. So ask that question. What are your hours? Like if I need to get hold of you, it's only Monday through Friday, nine to five. point um i want to feel like a person. Like we value you and your family. Like you're doing this as a, you're doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You know, um you're not a number and that's really important. And when you first are looking at this, you don't know what you don't know. And so ask the questions, meet different agencies, ask you, like you want to feel that connection because you are going to be in this journey for over a year. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And there aren't enough surrogates. There will never be enough surrogates. You are what everybody needs and everybody wants. So you should have the ability to be making a lot more decisions. And a lot of agencies don't want you to know that.
Speaker: So my first time, this sounds so horrible, especially for the seat I sit in. Like I did zero like zero research. yep nope I didn't even know. I didn't know it was a thing. Like I didn't know there was multiple h agencies. I mean, this was like 12 years ago, but I did zero research and I ended up in a really bad spot.
Speaker: um And My second journey, I did so much research and found, obviously, a donor and surrogate solutions. But in the seat that I sit in, I want everyone to know that it's not all the same. And as we're telling them, you know, please do your research, please. we We want you to, like, ask other people, you know, we want you to ask other agencies questions because we are not all the same. And that is so important for me to, like, let them know is please.
Speaker: check around, like, do you know, do that research. Because i was that I was treated like a number. And I was, like, I i couldn't get a hold of somebody. It was, like, a Friday, and I did end up in the hospital, long story short. But I couldn't get a hold of somebody. And, like, that was a really hard feeling. Like, I don't know what to do. i couldn't get a hold of my coordinator. And she emailed me Monday morning at, like, 9 o'clock. like I was still in the hospital. But, like, that's not okay. And so, you know.
Speaker: Well, and what a prime example of, you know, everybody in the beginning when you are doing your research, you're focusing so much on that match. It goes even further than that. We have the some of the most amazing coordinators ever who are guiding you every single step. The whole journey. whole journey. The whole journey. never be able And after. No, not just the highlights. And you never have to wonder, like, what do i have to do next? What do i have to figure out? Like, they do it all for you. Yeah. Yeah. I always say, like, it might be your first journey, but it's there.
Speaker: 150 attorneys. 300 attorneys. They've got you. Yeah. yeah What do you think feels, and Amy, I want to give this to you, but what do you think feels overwhelming for intended parents when they first are even just starting out?
Speaker: Absolutely. no I think the process as a whole is by nature overwhelming. There are so many steps along the way. There's so many checkpoints that intended parents are just coming to the table and starting to understand, wow, there's a lot that can go wrong. There's a lot that can go right too, but there's just so many steps and then they're learning it all at once.
Speaker: No one arrives at this point ready to start their family this way. It's usually something that has taken some time and some loss um to to get to this point. And so everyone kind of starts somewhere and it's just an onslaught of information. So I feel like the process by nature is just a lot. And we try to break that down step by step so that they can truly begin to have a better understanding of what goes into the journey. We do our best to just be as clear as possible about timeline fees. We give some great PDF documents so that they can reference that. I think that sets us apart.
Speaker: It's interesting you said something at the beginning about transparency. Crystal, can you speak a little bit into why the transparency factor is so important, as particularly as an intended parent?
Speaker: ah For sure. I mean, Amy and I ah both went through this journey personally, and i I would imagine you felt the same way we did. It's pretty difficult to figure out who is ethical and who isn't. Who is um legit is the word that I was using at the beginning. Legit agency. And who is Stealing money from people who are desperate to have children and who is exploiting women who might be underserved. Like all of these things kind of kept me up at night. And so finding an agency who is willing to even just put the fee structure on paper up front. So I wasn't guessing and trying to get around like vague language. to understand their fee structure, having it on paper, no fine print, this is what it is, was so helpful in trust building for me that, okay, you you are a legit group of people, you can be trusted. And similarly, I think every intended parent comes in wanting to know how long does it take and how much does it cost, right? So if we can put how much it costs on paper and we can be honest and clear and upfront about how long it takes, that just takes a little bit of guesswork out for people
Speaker: who are also trying to understand the medical and the legal and the relational side of all of this. And it it becomes a little bit less overwhelming when we can be transparent about the two things that we know, by and large, how long it's going to take and how much it's going to cost. For sure.
Speaker: So we all know that I love to travel. And I have tried and failed in a number of scenarios while traveling. And one was several years ago, we were in the Czech Republic. And on day one, I said, I'm going to grab a map and we can do this ourselves. Very quickly learned.
Speaker: I did not know where to go, what to do, where to find good food, what was a safe street, what was not a safe street. or That did not work. On day two, we had a guide um through a tour company and he showed up and he said, Hi, I'm Michael. I'm from Santa Barbara.
Speaker: And I was like, that's not the Czech Republic. And it was an okay tour and we did okay and we had a good day. And then the third day, we worked with Sven.
Speaker: And Sven had grown up there. And Sven knew the back roads. He knew the best way to everything. He knew the specific little stand on the side of the road that had the best food to eat. But more importantly, he also knew that if you went down this road, that actually wasn't a safe place to be. And having someone who had been there for decades made all the difference. And i had such a similar sense of like deja vu as a client here.
Speaker: Because I started out with just Google and a basic knowledge of surrogacy thinking I could do it myself and very quickly realized trying to match in a Facebook group and with a stranger that I was about to hit some potholes. This was not going to go well. And I had talked to a couple of agencies who had not been around very long and thought this could be OK or not.
Speaker: And then I talked to Lauren. You all are on. Listeners may not know how personal this group is to my own story. Lauren matched me. Whitney was my coordinator. um And it was very apparent from our first conversation that you'd been here a while, that you understood what roads to go down might be dangerous, where there were potholes that I could not anticipate. Things like parentage paperwork. And when the last medical bills are coming in post-journey and the agency is handling those things, I didn't even know that was a question I should ask. I had no idea. And just having an agency with
Speaker: you know, 20 years ish of experience made all the difference in us having a good journey versus having a journey that was either not fun or potentially hazardous.
Speaker: Yeah. One of the things that I realized for the longest time that there are other agencies that make you sign. Yes. Like an exclusivity. Yes. yeah Yes. Why don't we do that?
Speaker: It feels kind of like a bait and switch. There's a lot of agencies who will promise X, Y, Z, promise your match, promise all the things. And then what if you can't deliver? Like, we're not going to do that. We're not going to promise you I'll have you matched this quickly or we'll find, you know, IPs that match meet all these criteria or we'll match you with your base comp at that. We're not going to promise that and not deliver. So it's the same with our intended parents. when they're you know When they're coming on board, they don't pay fees up front either. We're not going to bait and switch anybody. We're honest. We're transparent. Yeah. we're not gonna do that speak into that about the financial piece of that because i feel like that is so super important when it comes to matching yeah the financial piece of the intended parent there is a lot of pressure to match intended parents and i would love to promise everybody a baby ah every day yeah um but again it really comes down to if i take your money then i owe you
Speaker: A surrogate. Oh, interesting. And I want the best match for you. We want the best match for you. Not the next match. Not the quickest one. Whoever's next up, that's who you get. The next set IPs do not make the best match. And that's how a lot of agencies do it. Next girl up. Next IPs up. you know, right. Hit them. There you go. Right. Not, there's no way to ensure that, you know, they agree on all of the really important, important matching factors when you do it that way. So that's why we don't do it that way.
Speaker: Going back to you that financial aspect, because like you said, Amy, this, it is a financial tool. I don't care how independently wealthy you are. It's, it's a financial tool. Why Why is, again, the transparency of of that so important? And what do you wish in independent intended parents knew about, I guess, the the financial part of things, particularly with maybe um putting money down before you're matched or maybe some of those red flags that they need to be conscientious of?
Speaker: We talk to families all the time who've talked to lots of agencies and they should. That's best practice. But sometimes the question is, well, why do some agencies take money up front and why do some not? And neither is bad. There's perfectly ethical ways to do both things.
Speaker: But more times than I wish I had, I've had the conversation with intended parents who gave a lot of money to an agency up front and And were never presented a match or were presented a match who didn't meet medical best practice guidelines. So their clinic said no and had that experience over and over and over. And they lost.
Speaker: a fourth, a half, three quarters of the entire amount of money they needed to do this. And so now they're starting over not even knowing if they'll be able to do this again. And I don't want i don't want that for anybody. And so I would say to any intended parent, um and I know our whole team would say this, if you're coming through, ask upfront, if someone takes your money, how much And what is the guarantee and when do you get it back? And if you're going on a list, how long are you staying on the list? And what guarantees are there that the people you meet when you are matched are going to pass your clinic's guidelines? um And often we talk yeah on our team, we talk just as often as intended parents and surrogates directly human human as we do agency representatives. And part of we so what we say human to human is if I were doing this again,
Speaker: I would want to know, do all of your surrogates meet ASRM guidelines? That's the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Do you follow SEED's ethics standards? Those are the sort of best practice ethically protections for for you as an individual. um Do you take money up front?
Speaker: To get on a list, how long are you on the list? What guarantees do you get that you get any money back and any intended parent who would want to call us and say, hey, don't don't talk to me as an agency. Talk to me as a person who's been this been through this. We would be more than happy to have that conversation because it is just hard to know what red flags to look for unless you talk to somebody who's been through it.
Speaker: A couple things I would add to that are what percentage of your surrogates do not pass the medical or the psychological evaluation yes or our matches break during contracts? Because if ah an agency can't answer those questions or won't answer those questions for you, that is a big red flag. And if they will answer, the numbers should be very, very low. That's true. That is true. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: not taking money up front or not promising XYZ up front, I always bring it up. I hope that builds trust from the beginning. I hope that builds trust and they know that like they're not in this um for the money, for the for the next match, for the next best thing. I encourage them to talk to other agencies. They, I would love for you to speak with other agencies and find which one feels like the best fit for you. don Sign here, sign here. Please sign within the next 48 hours. No, call as many as you need to find the one that feels right for you and that you feel, um yeah, that you're able to commit to working with, so.
Speaker: And know how many parents are out there looking for a surrogate. Lauren, can you you speak into kind of just the magic sauce of exactly like you said, yes, you may check the boxes on those certain things. You show up on a list, if you will, and you check those boxes.
Speaker: That doesn't necessarily equal a good match. It doesn't make sense for an agency to be like, here's your one. right Right. And then you have to find a reason to be like, i don't know, it just doesn't feel right. And then the pressure of like, no, no, this are the part and you this is what you said you wanted, this is who you get. yeah Just meet them. Just meet them. Maybe you'll like them. No, we're not going to do that. We hear a lot of stories abouter from surrogates who have been really pressured into other matches with other agencies that and they weren't comfortable with. And they didn't know. They didn't know that they had options and that they could say no. Or maybe the paper that they signed said that they will accept the match as long as they meet certain and criteria. Right.
Speaker: Or that they're asked to change their values and preferences on certain things like, you know, really hard topics and views like termination, vaccines and things like that. Like we will never ask anyone to change their stance on any of the things like we value you and your choices and, you know, we'll never say, well, can you change that for these, you know.
Speaker: It's not a right match. it's not And that's for surrogates and IPs. Yeah. Right. We don't need intended parents nervous for, you know, eight months about surrogate catching COVID because she doesn't want a COVID vaccine or, you know, whatever. We're not going to try to pressure anybody into anything. And you know when it's right.
Speaker: Yeah, and I do think that we get very set on certain matching criteria that have to be aligned. And in doing that, sometimes we forget about all the other things like, oh, well, you both agree you feel the same way about termination and you also feel the same way about vaccinations. However, you have nothing in common Like you're not going to be very, that's all you have in common. on Like somebody's an introvert, somebody's an extrovert, someone that like doesn't want much of a relationship. Someone does like those are equally as important as to how your journey is going to go than just being aligned on a couple of matching criteria.
Speaker: That totally reiterates the idea of you are not a number. We are looking at you, the surrogate, you, the intended parents, like just all of that. Right. Because again, like you match on those specific factors, but then when it comes to how do we handle problem solving? Like how do we get along as humans and have our visions of the world and seeing it the same way? And it's much, this is a hard journey, even when everything goes perfectly, it's emotionally charged and people are jacked up on hormones. Yep. So there's you want to be matched with someone who you have not just those matching criteria of being aligned for what needs to go in the contract, but but core values and who you are as people and how you are going to relate to one another. And I think if you're not having a relational journey and it is more transactional and you are being connected
Speaker: being hired to do a job and you you never meet your parents. There are a lot of agencies where you never even get to meet the intended parents. They get deliver they don't even speak the same language. So you're only communicating through a third party. That's a very different journey from what we do where the parents are a part of the journey. They come to the appointments. They're in the delivery room. like That's where the joy is in getting the parents to like be a part of the pregnancy. And I mean, I don't want anybody to miss out on the joy that you can get out of surrogacy. Like, that is pretty much what I live by. Like, there can be so much joy in this if we do it the right way.
Speaker: It can be so helpful for intended parents to just understand the landscape of how surrogacy works. I came in as an intended parent thinking, well, clearly you have a list of surrogates that are just sitting and waiting around on me to get here. And then I will be matched in minutes and we will go forward from there. just not... But you don't know if you haven't been in this space before. And so being upfront about things like, hey, there are more parents waiting in the world. It's not our agency.
Speaker: It is most agencies and most places in the world. There are more parents waiting than there are surrogates. And so if you come in armed with that information and then you meet with um an agency who says,
Speaker: well, we do have ah ah just a catalog of people, just a waiting room of people waiting on you. That's a good yellow flag to go, well, if that's not normal in the whole landscape of surrogacy, why is that true here? And why can't they be matched? Is there something wrong that maybe these particular candidates are not getting matched at fertility clinics and keep coming back and keep sitting on that list? Because it sounds so good when someone says fast matching. Yeah. Until you start asking questions like, well,
Speaker: Why are they available? Why is it fast? And is it even a good match just because it's a fast match? Lauren, can you speak further into that transparency and how that does relate to the matching part of this?
Speaker: That how long is it going to take question is the hardest one. So part of our interview process when we're working with intended parents and educating them and they're asking me how long and I'm asking them like, what do we need to make sure that your surrogate has in order? What are your preferences? What are your criteria? Because if you only want to work with a surrogate in California.
Speaker: I don't even know if we're going to have one. But if you're open to surrogates anywhere, if you only want surrogates that, um I mean, obviously we're only going to match you with people who share your views on termination. But depending on what those are, that will eliminate a lot of surrogates that we will be able to choose and vaccinations. And those are just like the the main key matching points we have to line up. Then comes the fun part of personalities and location. and um and that really is where the fun is in putting the matches together of people who like each other and enjoy this process and get joy out of this process. And so I'm going to ask you a lot of questions. like we are We want to know exactly who you are. And it's so important that in your profile and your application that you you are authentic about what you want and not just answering like whatever the surrogate wants. Whatever, you know, like the the the more you share your authentic self, the better chance you have of getting a faster, much more compatible match.
Speaker: yeah Well, I think you hear buzzwords like, or you you you hear the questions about timeline. And of course you have but the financial questions and things like that.
Speaker: But i I think all three of you are kind of speaking into, going to guide you into what is the bigger picture? And i feel like that's building trust and then the relationship aspect of that.
Speaker: I think that's why it's so important to to have a matching and an an education team versus like a one person doing it. Because if if someone meets with Amy up front, they're going to see a side of someone. If someone were to meet with Lauren, if someone were to meet with me,
Speaker: we're all seeing different sides of the coin and to be able to, to represent them as a whole person and collaborate together and represent the surrogate as a whole person and collaborate together to find the best match versus, um, a list just a list yeah versus just a list.
Speaker: Yeah. And again, it's kind of, you know, I think we keep going back to this idea, but it's so important. You are not a number. Right. Absolutely. And I would say, too, Whitney, like in a world of unknowns, that I think one of the best things that we do as an agency is just let those families know that we see them, we see their unique story, and we have our own experiences because k Crystal and I have been through it as intended parents and that we are here to partner with you and guide you through whatever your journey shapes out to be. And that trust from the the beginning, I just think is something really unique that we offer and we're just there to support them, however they come to us. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: I would say that one of the things we do as an agency that's really great is just how much effort we put into screening our surrogates to make sure that as much as we can know at this point that they are great candidates. So that that does take time and that does take a lot of effort to collect all of those records, have those educational calls with them. to build the trust with that surrogate that they know they're going to be supported through the journey as well. The background checks that we run, the third-party insurance review that we do, all of these important pieces just come together to make sure that that surrogate, once you get to the point when you're matching with her, that everyone is a full-body yes instead of a, I'm not sure, I might change my mind, i think this isn't for me, As much as we can prepare. and I feel like the effort that goes into preparing them that way really comes through in the quality of the match.
Speaker: I feel like, again, there's also, and you kind of spoke into it earlier, Crystal, about the ethical aspect of this.
Speaker: Because I think what we do is amazing, but it can be so easy for lines to get crossed. Can you kind of talk into the importance of that for intended parents and maybe just some of those like major red flags? This is, for the most part, an unregulated industry.
Speaker: And there is a lot of room for misbehavior. There's a lot of room for taking advantage of intended parents, which is often what we're worried about when we come in. But boy, is there also a lot of room for taking advantage of underserved women, underserved women in the country where we operate and underserved women in other countries. And ultimately, at the end of all this, no matter how you do surrogacy, there is a baby whose life story is going to be the story that you're writing. And you don't want them at 12 or 13 or 15 years old old to go back in the books and go, wait a minute.
Speaker: My life started with someone being taken advantage of. My life started with someone not being told the risks. My life story includes someone who had no other choices. That is that's terrifying to think about when you get to the end of that road. And so it's super important, we believe, for intended parents to come in.
Speaker: Kind of armed with the knowledge about what is ethical surrogacy? How does it work? Well, it works when everybody has informed consent to what they're doing. And you can't have informed consent unless you have a full education, which is annoying when you're in the process of a full education. I fully acknowledge that. No one wants to sit and learn more things before they get started building their family, nor do most surrogates want to sit through a long education process prior to beginning. But it is essential to being able to make honest, thoughtful, good for you choices along the way. And so we believe... Every surrogate should know the risks. Every surrogate should know the truth of a family story. If you have other children, they should know that. If you have one embryo, they should know that. If you are at one clinic or another, they should know that because they're making a choice about their body.
Speaker: Similarly. if If a surrogate has had ah previous surrogacy journeys, clearly we want intended parents to know that. But if um there is something about her that that might be a judgment call, it's certainly not against guidelines, but an intended parent might want to know. Great example is ah a DUI in your 20s and now you're 35.
Speaker: For some families, that's a big deal. And for some families, that is not a big deal at all. But we we can't make an informed choice unless we have total transparency and total honesty in this process. And so ethical surrogacy begins with informed consent. um It sits on top of transparency. Barrett, I want to ask you particularly about maybe just certain red flags that women need to just be aware of when they are doing their research. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you really want to make sure that the agency is endorsed by SEEDS. You want to make sure that they're ethical, that they are following ASRM um guidelines. You want to make sure that, yes, they're going to be there to answer any of your questions and like what that looks like. um You want to make sure that they don't have an in-house escrow or attorney. yeah um And really do your research. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah So the surrogacy industry is not regulated like, you know, doctors are regulated, attorneys are regulated, but surrogacy agencies are not. Except for in the state of New York. yeah and We're going to come back to that. Anyone can start a surrogacy agency and it take your money and say they're going to match you with a surrogate. And there has been some impropriety in the industry. This is why you are weary of Facebook. This is why I go on my diatribes about Dr. Google.
Speaker: Just by Moving on. but So the ethical agencies have found a way to regulate themselves. Sure. So they have created the Society for Ethics in the egg donation and surrogacy. And that is what we refer to as SEEDS. So ethical agencies have joined forces in SEEDS to set the standards of this is the right way of doing things and we're complying. So if agencies aren't joining that, then you have to wonder, why not? why and What are they doing? Like, why? And the ethics are there for a reason, like to make sure things are done the appropriate way, you know, that you follow guidelines and guidelines are there for everyone's safety. absolutely And I mean, surrogacy is all about eliminating risk. And i mean, that's part of it.
Speaker: Yeah. And that goes both ways. Absolutely. I mean, of a woman so desperately wants to make the stream come true, but maybe something comes up in her medical records. Why wouldn't we say, well,
Speaker: Sure, why not? Well, one, she probably does not meet ASRM guidelines. So ASRM is the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, and they set forth guidelines that surrogates should meet, that intended parents should meet, um how surrogacy journeys should run. And so, um yeah, meeting those guidelines, meeting those guidelines are important. Our surrogates are going to meet ASRM criteria.
Speaker: And they have a hard time sometimes when we let them know, you know, I'm sorry you don't meet ASRM um criteria and we're not going to be able to work with you. But it's for your safety. And surrogacy is all about mitigating risk. And it's mitigating risk for the intended parents and the health and safety of their baby. But it's about mitigating risk for the surrogate. And and she just, it's just not worth it. And it's hard to convey to her. Like you, you know, you've hemorrhaged before. You're more likely to hemorrhage again. It's not worth, it is not worth, you know,
Speaker: It's not worth that. You've got kids of your own. You've got a family of your own. And I know that you want to make this dream come true, but not at the risk of your of your health and safety. And trust us. If we could work with you, we would love to. We want to accept yeah i never wanted to you want to accept every surrogate that that applies, but we have to take your health really seriously. and um Yeah. And a lot of people don't. There are a lot of people that are like oh, well, they don't quite meet the guidelines, but maybe this doctor will accept them anyway. Or go are they always say, go for an indie match and you can get around that. And around that. Anytime you're getting around the guidelines, you're putting yourself at risk o even more. And then you have to wonder, who's financially benefiting from your risk? yeah
Speaker: yeah And why? Like, why why skirt the risk or why why skirt the rules and the regulations? Like, they're there for a reason. yeah Well, it's just hard because some agencies don't follow ASRM guidelines and some clinics don't follow ASRM guidelines. And so it makes people want to skirt them because it's not a law. You know, you can. And so it's just kind of a a stick in the sand that we place, that we say we're sorry. We only, you know, we're yeah surrogates who made ASRM criteria and and by and large only work with clinics who who follow ASRM um guidelines as well. And I think it's hard. They can be a little bit subjective. There is a little bit of gray sometimes in those guidelines, but we are going to always do our best to keep everybody safe and healthy.
Speaker: I think the thing that I love the most, though, is we do take the time to look at the whole picture. yeah Absolutely. In every case. Always. In every case. Yeah. yeah And so it is worth it to ask the question. Yeah.
Speaker: I have been so shocked at how many errors there are in medical records. I mean, we had all the time, so many times, Megan and I have all these conversations. Like, the surgeon's like, I never had that. No one ever told me that. She didn't know. they don't know. Surrogates literally don't know about complications they had. They knew that I bled at delivery, but i and it's a hemorrhage. And they didn't know they hemorrhaged.
Speaker: And I... truly believe that they didn't know that nobody said you hemorrhaged they just said you had a lot of bleeding but you're okay and so then we get records and turns out it was a pretty massive hemorrhage right so yeah so those are hard conversations to have with them but in those instances the records are right and the surrogates didn't know there are we have found real errors where it says the surrogate was a smoker when she never was because someone checked the wrong box. It's true. And now it's like, and so she has to go back to the doctor and get a letter that says she was never a smoker. Sure. I mean, doctors make mistakes and people working in doctor's offices who are doing those notes on the medical records make mistakes. Yeah.
Speaker: But the surrogate can't just say that didn't happen and we proceed. We do have to get some sort of documentation that it was incorrect. But but we will advocate for you. Absolutely. We will help you figure out how to. What we can do. Right. Instead of just saying like, well, it says that, so you're out. You know, like we do see people as a whole picture.
Speaker: I think that that right there, I think, is what does make us so special and so unique is. We are perfectly content to go the extra mile and to say, hey, it says this. You say you're not.
Speaker: tell Tell me more. Tell me more. yeah i mean more let's talk Let's have the conversation versus, oh, I see this on the medical records. Let me send you a denial email and then we call it a day. There are a lot of other agencies that because they've taken money from the intended parents immediately and they owe them a match. They are matching very quickly before all the due diligence has been done on the surrogates. And a lot of matches are breaking when they get to the clinic and the clinic is denying them. When they get to contracts and they didn't finalize and discuss all the compensation prior to that. And that is just not something that we are seeing in our agency because of everything that we do. It's done on the front end. Yeah. we want We want you to be able to move forward once you're ready to move forward. Yeah.
Speaker: Or if you have really strong preferences, we work with surrogates who are not open to terminating a pregnancy. Not all agencies do that. We do. But if if you're someone with really strict preferences like that, asking the agency that as well. You know, I'm not open to terminating a pregnancy or I'm not open to receiving any vaccines. Like how many do you have IPs that meet that criteria? what What does that look like for me? And they can't answer that question. If they can't tell you how many they have at any given time, then then why not?
Speaker: why Why don't you know that? But really asking those questions on the front end and certainly before you sign anything, although I would caution anyone to not sign anything until they're matched. And to make it very clear, a surrogate and intended parents only sign something when they are officially matched after all of this deal. Which means their records have been accepted by the clinic. approved They've met over Zoom and match meeting. They've gotten to know each other and then decided.
Speaker: Yes. And everyone has said yes. Yes. Correct. A lot of times that's one of the first things that I feel like surrogates, yes potential surrogates will use on the boards. It's like, okay, well, what which agency is going to give me the most? well And what does that mean? It's not the agency giving you the money. Correct. the intended parent secretary. Correct. and foremost. So I think i think ah some people do come for how can maximize my financial gain the most during this process. at the same time, like if you could work for two different companies, why would you take one job for half the amount?
Speaker: Would you do the same work for either company? Sure. Sure. But at the end of the day, like these are actual people who are possibly remortgaging their home and using their retirement funds in order to make this happen. So how do I get the most out of them possible isn't maybe the best approach to choosing who you want to carry for. um But at the end of the day, the compensation package that you're getting, is varied, and it does vary a lot from agency to agency. And when you see a whole number, sometimes that big number means you got all the extra compensation because everything that could go wrong did. You had C-section. You were on hospital bed rest. You're at workings. Yeah.
Speaker: Okay, so speak into that because when you hear the word compensation yeah and then you hear base compensation, what is the difference? What does that mean? yeah Your base compensation is just the amount you get for the pregnancy and the delivery of the baby. Quite literally, i am pregnant. yes I get this. It is split into eight monthly payments and you get eight equal monthly payments and you get one each month that you're pregnant. You're being you're being compensated really for being pregnant that month. We're not baby selling and you get $65,000 at the end, but you're compensated each month for being pregnant that month. So that's your base compensation. And then everything else, be at you know your maternity close fee or if you needed a C-section or whatever else, everything else is in addition to that base number. So when these surrogates see, like Lauren said, make up to $105,000, that's probably the best. And you'll see that. You absolutely are seeing six figures now make up to $105,000. but it's the base compensation it's all the mileage reimbursement and it's your C-section fee and it's your, it's everything. It's lost wages because you were on bed rest and you got lost wages for three months. it's It's all the things all into one. So those numbers are enticing. um but And misleading. And misleading. And so you really got to dig in and itemize them and see really what that, what does that really look like if I have a, you know, just a normal healthy pregnancy, sure no bed rest, vaginal delivery, all that. Like what is, what am I really going to expect to bring home? um What does that mean when we say, no you get to pick your base compensation? And how does that relate to matching?
Speaker: Yeah, so part of the application process is they literally get to customize their compensation package. and They're able to put the base that they're seeking. And along the way, there's additionals. um You know, if you are going to pump and XYZ, like there are additionals. And we we offer like pelvic floor therapy. I mean, some great incentives. And even it it goes beyond baby, like after delivery, like there's some incentives as well. But it is customizable. Right. And just because you you do get to choose exactly what you want your compensation to be, and we will present that to the parents that you choose, but they can still say no.
Speaker: And they can also say, this doesn't feel like the right match for me. you know I mean, the surrogates get to choose first. yeah But it does come to what is most important in what you're looking for in your match and your experience. We have seen some beautiful relationships develop when people are... open and honest and vulnerable and i Again, the key to the most successful journeys is empathy. It's empathy from the surrogates, understanding that the intended parents have been on a really hard road to get here, and this is costing them probably everything they've got. and then But for intended parents to also be empathetic to surrogates, like yes, they are being compensated, but they are sacrificing a lot in order to be able to help with this. And i just when people remain kind and empathetic, journeys go really well usually.
Speaker: Yeah. That is such a key part that you just brought up that remaining empathetic to surrogates. Sometimes when intended parents come in and they have read a whole lot on the Internet and and the way serogate surrogacy talks about women.
Speaker: It feels like you're buying a product off a shelf. And these are people, not products. And so even just having that conversation up front of like, you're not picking out a car.
Speaker: that That's yeah, don't don't think of this like product. This is a person that you're dealing with. You talk to them. You treat them. You think about them like a human being and treat them with the respect and dignity that they deserve. And most intended parents aren't coming in thinking that that is their behavior, or their thought process. I certainly didn't. But then it takes a little bit of reflection during the process to go, wait a minute.
Speaker: This isn't just, you know, a service that I'm purchasing. This is a person who is part of our family story for the rest of our lives. Who do I want that person to be? And how do I want to treat them? And what do I want our story to be together is ah is a really big part of this. Yeah.
Speaker: Mm-hmm. Well, and again, I feel like that just speaks into Like you said, it's not just a service. It's not just a means to an end. It's a whole new relationship that you didn't necessarily know you were going to have, but is going to be so important and not just for the short period of time.
Speaker: It is going to be a relationship with us. Yes, for sure. There are other agencies that you can match through where you will not have a relationship with your surrogate and you might not even have much of a relationship with your coordinator. That will not happen with us. Right. Because we are all about relationships and caring for people.
Speaker: Yeah. You have intended parents that are so focused on, i just want to find that match. I just want to get this process started. But there's so much that comes after.
Speaker: How do you make them aware of that support and that value of the support after that match has gone forward? We make sure that they know that they will be guided through the whole process with an expert, which is one of our amazing coordinators who most have been surrogates before. so while they're talking to us as intended parents and we are sharing our own experiences and just meeting them where they are, just to know that they're going to be...
Speaker: guided the whole way through with truly an expert in this whole journey. Our coordinators have run so many cases. And they are some of the most amazing humans I have ever met. Absolutely amazing humans that also happen to be experts in this very unique world of family building. so I think that's really important just to let them know that it's a full service. And what that full service means is support, support. So not just logistics, but also true emotional care and support throughout the whole process.
Speaker: Absolutely. One of my favorite parts of our process right now is when a family has matched and they've had they've had a full education, they've had a full matching service, before their journey truly begins, they meet with someone from our team. And I get to do these calls a lot right now, but different members of our team will, where we share with them the best and worst things that can happen before their journey even starts. And say to them,
Speaker: Now, having heard absolutely everything that could happen, we don't want to scare we you, but we do want you to know best case, worst case scenario and everything in between. Can you enthusiastically consent to this journey? And having that fun high five moment at the end of those calls with with parents has been so encouraging for me, but but i think empowering for them too to say, OK, I see the full picture and I know what I'm getting into. And in part of that call, we talk about their support network and we call it Team Baby.
Speaker: yes And so they have a coordinator, but they also have someone on our team who does an extraordinary amount of work with insurance and with checking booklets and figuring out when booklets come out and figuring out which policies apply in which states and in which zip codes, because apparently zip codes matter as much as states matter and supporting them in that way. And then there's another person on our team that gets involved if there happens to be a conflict with um with a hospital or with a clinic or with an attorney or with another industry professional. There's another person who comes in and supports. And then, of course, their coordinator is with them all the time. And that's the beginning of Team Baby. And in addition to them, there's a Facebook community of intended parents. at all stages in the process, some of us raising kids post-delivery who are jumping in, celebrating transfer days, but also giving advice when a parent says, do you get your surrogate a Christmas present? And how does that work? Just having a community of people who have lived this to talk to I think has been so helpful for so many of our intended parents because a lot of us come into this and we don't have a single friend who has ever done surrogacy. There is no one to call and ask,
Speaker: Do you say Happy Mother's Day to your surrogate who is pregnant with your baby? Who do I ask those questions to? And so having Team Baby plus this like really healthy network of current and previous IPs, I think has been a really special part of our process. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker: No intended parent gets to us without some level of disappointment or trauma prior to. The last thing we want to do is create any more for them. And I think educating the surrogates and their commitment to the process before is huge in in being able to do that. Yeah.
Speaker: Why is education in this so important before you even see an intended parent profile? um I think a lot of women don't understand the commitment that goes into it. going to have a few appointments, then I'll be pregnant and then I'm good being pregnant. So at the end, you know, and i yeah the length of commitment, we got to talk about that, how long it can actually take if, you know, if we have a failed transfer a miscarriage or things like that. um Yeah. The length of commitment, the medications involved, some come to us not understanding the medications involved. Well, I'm scared of shots. I can't do the shots. Yeah.
Speaker: surrogacy might not be the best option for you then. You know, we gotta talk about that. And I've taught, we've talked to intended parents whose surrogates backed out at medication time because they were never told they were gonna have to do injections. And they had spent so much money on this surrogate and and she backed out because no one ever told her. And so it's so important to me and my role that when I want i hand a surrogate to a to a coordinator that she's not learning she's not learning anything new. She understands what she committed herself to and I want her to know, want her to know what that looks like and not, yeah, not feel surprised, not feel again, like it was a bait and switch. Oh, I didn't know I had to do that. Oh, I didn't know I had to do that. And I don't think all agencies do that. I really don't believe that they do all this homework on the front end that they're able to to educate their surrogates. in the way that we do. I don don't. And then I get to feel really confident when when I clear surrogate that she's really ready. She's gonna do a great job. We don't have to worry. yeah Yeah, yeah. I think one of the things, again, coordinators, if you forgot what was said during, you know, one, at one point during matching, they're gonna refresh you, i promise. They're gonna refresh, right? there're Yes, just all of it, yeah all of it. And exactly like what you said, it is unique to you. I'm gonna tell you exactly where is that monitoring clinic? What is this going to look like for you? does your insurance situation look All of it.
Speaker: There are so many decisions in the process and each one of them can feel so heavy and so full of weight. And then maybe there are some decisions that either they don't know or, hey, no, this one this one we need you to to really focus on.
Speaker: How do you, I guess, give intended parents the bigger the the big picture of that and help them discern and go through that, particularly in matching relationships? I think a lot of intended parents start with the ideas of what they would like in their surrogate in an ideal world. And so they would like her to be between 25 33 years old. like her have Two children and no C-sections and no complications and no anything. And they would like her to live, not down the street, but like in the same city so that they can go to all of the appointments. sure and And they would like her to believe in all the same things that they do when it comes to vaccinations and termination views. And they have this very ideal. Crystal and Amy, you guys have both shared how you both grew your family through surrogacy. How does that shape
Speaker: how you speak into just this process and as you are guiding and supporting intended parents?
Speaker: I think it just really helps families trust you from the beginning to know that you've been through it and that even though your experience may be different than what they've come gone through, that you still just share that, wow, I see you.
Speaker: I understand because truly I do because not many people can unless they've really been through the emotional ups and downs and the unpredictability and the financial toll and the struggle. And then also like Crystal always says the turning of the season. And then there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is amazing. So it's all of these feelings at the same time.
Speaker: And I feel you just have a better understanding of that and you can share that with them and help them see that there will be ups and downs. There will be hard moments. It does not usually go perfectly smoothly the whole way through, but that it can still be so incredible.
Speaker: Yeah. I've been really surprised in in in supporting intended parents how I have become more blunt and more direct as a human being than what is comfortable for me. Because I remember sitting in that seat and just feeling so confused, so overwhelmed by all of the information and the vague language that is used so often in this process and just wanting to know what's the real timeline? What is the real finances? These are massive life decisions that will affect our family for decades and some of them for the rest of our life. Will someone just please tell me the things? right And I am not naturally direct or blunt ever. um
Speaker: But i have I have grown to see that clear as kind in this particular industry that vague is not a kind way to exist. And so um I'm very thankful for the people that I spoke with early on who were very direct and blunt with us. who helped us kind of see clearly versus feeling good, but a little bit confused.
Speaker: Well, yeah. I mean, it's hard to not want to give people hope. But again, the the transparency aspect is just, it's so important.
Speaker: It's so important. And, you know, yeah, if you have an intended parent come up to you and say, I want a guarantee that I get a match in a month. There's agencies out there that'll do that. For sure. We are not at, no, at the sacrifice of what?
Speaker: who Yeah. What is something that you wish every intended parent understood earlier in this process? There is no mechanism by which you will have control.
Speaker: Amen. There is no there's no amount of criteria that you can put on your profile that you can require in a surrogate. They all meet ASRM medical best practice guidelines. yeah And beyond that, there is nothing you can do to ensure that you are going to have the perfect journey, first transfer work, healthy baby in the end. And the more you tighten the grips and try to control, the less likely it is going to be a really healthy, happy journey.
Speaker: Yeah. And I would say that it's not that this is a partnership, truly a collaboration between two families and not a employee employer relationship. I think shifting your perspective that way and seeing it as we are equal and coming together and creating this amazing family. We're we're doing this together and seeing it from the start that way is really, really helpful.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely. There aren't enough surrogates. Oh, yeah. There aren't enough surrogates for everybody. I mean, and I wish so much that we could approve so many of the women that have the best heart but not the best medical records or the ah the best medical record but not the best heart for this. Like, I mean...
Speaker: If we could get more surrogates to be able to match, we absolutely would. But there's just that's always what we've been working for is trying to to focus on making the best matches and not the most matches. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. We're not withholding. there are There are no surrogates on my porch waiting and to picked up.
Speaker: But you bring up such a good point because not every family is gonna get matched. There are not enough surrogates to go around. And so one of the uncomfortable things that our team will share with you ah that families are often hesitant about the beginning is if you are willing,
Speaker: to share your story on our social media it will help us find more people who are willing to come help your family if you are willing to share your story even more broadly on your social media there are often people in your own community or network who Had no idea that this is what you needed and have always thought about it. And families who share their story are almost always faster to match than families who don't just because there's something about seeing a human story that you just want to help.
Speaker: and i could tell them yes I could help I get a call. We get a call like maybe every month from a former surrogate that says, I just saw so-and-so's story. Do you think they'd be a good match for me? yeah And I told you I was done. I told you I was done. I didn't think I'd do another journey, but I saw them and I saw their story.
Speaker: Yeah, for sure. Well, I think it's really interesting because at the beginning of this, Crystal, you and Amy both said, you know, you went into this and you didn't have somebody down the street to talk to you about this.
Speaker: But it's so interesting that you probably did, but you just didn't know it. The community can feel like you have to be so quiet. But actually, i mean, it's one in six. Like you're going to know at least a stone's throw away somebody else who's going through this. There is a community out there and it is absolutely worth sharing your story, whether it's for the purpose of trying to find the right the right match or just to spread what a beautiful journey this can be and why this is a just one more way to build and, you know, create your happy family. Like it is, it is just one more way to do it.
Speaker: If there was one piece of advice that you could give to a potential surrogate, what would that be? Ask the questions. Like, and when when I first start talking to, you know, in the very beginning questions, I'm like, start a note section, like write down all of your questions. You know, I think the best thing is to literally call some agencies and schedule a call, you know, and if they don't have questions, like ask them, like, what should I Tell me more. Yeah. Tell me more. just as a serge Why should I choose you? Why should I choose your agency? You know, i think that's a great way if they don't know how your process works. Yeah.
Speaker: Tell me how your process works. yeah And I agree. I think one of the best places to even start, if you want to avoid Google, if you want to go avoid Facebook, go start at Seeds. Yeah. yeah so they They have a tra a directory. They have directory. agency so Your agency does not have to be in your state. Yeah. that's No one ever comes to our agency door and it's like, I'm here for my appointment. where Absolutely. yeah And if you are in the Facebook groups, I do think they can be helpful. They have a little search bar. And if there are agencies you're interested in or that you've contacted, you can search the name of the agency and get reviews from intended parents and surrogates who have worked with that agency.
Speaker: And I do think that is useful. i do. they're not They're typically not allowed to give a review until their journey is completed. Yeah. So it's not just like, they're amazing because I'm just matched last week and I love them. But actually once the whole journey is done and they've seen how the whole journey went, how their support went, how you know getting all their bills paid went, all of that good stuff. And then they're able to give a review. um And I do give weight to those reviews because they are people who have been through the whole process. They're real people. Yeah, yeah i i I think that's a great tool. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah Yeah. So seeds. Yeah. Reviews. Reviews. Or even Google reviews. There are great agencies have Google reviews that are worth looking And they may be a member of seeds and they may have great reviews. And then you call them yeah and then you talk to them. And if you get an ick feeling, then you call another one. Yeah. yeah If someone is listening and thinking, I want to do this, but I don't want to get it wrong. What would you want them to know?
Speaker: The things that feel like big, scary things now, down the road, a couple years after that baby is here, just don't feel like as big a deal. right The finances are overwhelming, yes.
Speaker: But you if you've ever bought a house, you know what it felt like before you bought it and a few years down the road looking back going, okay, I'm glad we did that. i'm I'm glad we made that choice. And same thing with a lot of the decisions you make in this process. They feel big and scary. That's why you want a guide to come alongside you. But on the other side of that, when there's a little person in your house, it's a no-brainer. You look back and you go, oh this is a no brainer. Of course, this is the life I would choose. um Some of the language that we use on our education team is that first call you make is really tough to a surrogacy agency, kind of acknowledging we are going down this road. But often that is the call you look back to and go, ah that's the moment we turn the corner from the hard things to the good things. That call was the moment when our story took a turn and things got better. And that's what we want to be true for every intended parent.
Speaker: As we wrap this conversation, I hope one thing feels clear. The agency you choose does so much more than help you find a match. They help shape your entire experience.
Speaker: If you're exploring surrogacy, whether as an intended parent or a potential gestational carrier, my hope is that this conversation helps you move forward with greater confidence, knowing what thoughtful, transparent, and supportive guidance should look like throughout your entire journey.
Speaker: Because at the end of the day, the right team won't see you as another number. They'll see you as a person, honor your unique story and walk alongside you every step of the way.
