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FistoEpisto - Not in Maastricht
25 Plays1 year ago
Malex updates you on the depraved world of conspiracy theory theory conferences… in Amsterdam!
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Transcript
Introduction to Fisto O'Disto
00:00:00
Speaker
It's time for Fisto O'Disto with Malick Strones and Joe Joseph Johnson.
Escape to Amsterdam and Conspiracy Conference
00:00:36
Speaker
This is Medic's Drone, and I'm recording from an undisclosed location just outside of Amsterdam, where once again I've managed to shake off my pursuers of the New World Order. The Phoenicians and the Egyptians, they tried to get me, but I was smarter than them. I knew how to buy a train ticket, a technology that the old worlders do not understand, because as we know,
00:01:01
Speaker
trains are from Saturn, old worders are from Neptune. Anyway, I've managed to get myself here to a place which I'm not calling Maastricht because that would give my place away, and it's definitely not a bowtail on the river mass. So if you're listening to this broadcast and you think you've worked out where I am, you don't know because I haven't told you. That's information only for the patrons of Fisto Episto to understand.
00:01:24
Speaker
Anyway, I'm here to tell you what went down at the second international conference on the philosophy of conspiracy theories. One of the most insidious, one of the most evil, one of the most suspicious, and one of the most well-catered conferences
00:01:39
Speaker
I've ever been to. Believe me, it was mind-blowing.
Pig's Urine and Amsterdam Doubts
00:01:44
Speaker
And I'm going to tell you all about it after this ad for pigs urine. The urine you need to be able to ensure that you can continue to function as a yellow-skinned adult.
00:01:55
Speaker
in today's society. Pig's urine now comes in three exciting flavours, two of which have not been passed by the FDA because they cause vomiting, which is unusual because that's the whole point of pig's urine. Vomit out your life force, reabsorb it from the outside world. That's the pig urine's promise, and that's the kind of promise that I, Malick's Drones, are giving to you when you buy my pig's urine now in powder form. Yes, you can sprinkle your pig's urine through cake mixers.
00:02:24
Speaker
into yogurt, into cream, or on your friend's head to get them to absorb the power of pigs urine. It's the Vitality's liquid that nobody thinks they need, but everybody should buy in bulk now because stocks are running out. We may have to slaughter the pigs. It's a terrible fiasco.
Identity, Online Existence, and Documentation
00:02:45
Speaker
With that ad placement done, let's talk about the conference.
00:02:49
Speaker
It was held in a place called Amsterdam, which is placed in a location called The Netherland, which sounds very, very fake, because Netherland indicates it's somewhere which doesn't exist, The Netherland. I'm also fairly sure it's a location in a game called Minecraft, I think The Old World Order,
00:03:07
Speaker
are trying to pull one over on me, but I've got their number. Yes, I've been able to work out exactly what the old world order wanted, and I booked my tickets for Amsterdam under my assumed name of Associate Professor M. X. Dentist, a
00:03:23
Speaker
dual identity which has served me very well in the last few years and they even asked me to give a keynote and as usual I tried to take down my trousers but as usual I fell down when I pulled my trousers up because wearing more than one pair of trousers because one can never be too safe once you'd always wear at least two pairs of trousers and
00:03:44
Speaker
and three pairs of pants. You never know when the New World Order might hit you with a piss ray. Although, once again, if it's pig's piss, it's all good. So we had a variety of talks over two and a half days, with people existing online and people existing in the real world. I could not wrap my hand around it.
00:04:05
Speaker
How can people be both online and in the real world at the same time? Surely when you transition to your digital self you leave the physicality behind and yet behind these screens appear to be flesh and blood humans. I think Joe Joseph Jotzen should make a special report on how online people are not dead as we previously expected. We need to blow the lid open on this particular kind of conspiracy.
00:04:32
Speaker
Now, I would tell you about the talks, but I slept through most of them because I'm not very attentive. I like to think with my heart, not with my head. And my head, of course, is where my ears and eyes are located. So I ended up having to snooze through them and simply absorb the theses through some kind of synchronic osmosis. And I can tell you the kind of things they were talking about were pure evil. We're talking Phoenician drug festivals.
00:04:58
Speaker
We're talking Lebanese kebabs. We're talking about ancient Greek pizzerias in which the true conspiracy is being foisted upon the world. Yes, we need to make sure that these people don't find out what's happening. So let me tell you about some of the highlights that were written down by one of my assistants or in fact two assistants because I conned the conference organizers into allowing two other people onto the organizing team which are actually working for team
00:05:26
Speaker
New World Order opposing the Old World Order. Their co-nades are M and J and they were able to find out exactly what was going on.
Bizarre Conspiracy Theories
00:05:36
Speaker
So let me now consult their notes if indeed I can read their handwriting. So we have to... how does words work? So we had
00:05:48
Speaker
A paper on what we should do if a conspiracy theory is true. Well, they're all true. Thus, you should act upon them and buy pigs piss. What should we do if there's epistemic injustice? I don't even know what epistemic injustice is. So I think what we should do is we should shut it down. If there's any epistemic injustice going on, we need to shut that down or possibly promote it. Epistemic injustice might be the good kind of injustice. I don't really know.
Racist vs Anti-Racist Theories
00:06:13
Speaker
Then there was alethic and narrative models. Now, I don't know what athletics has to do with conspiracy theories, but this person called David went on and on and on about athletics and conspiracy theories. And frankly, he made a very good point that we need to exercise more and conspiracy theorize even more as we're exercising. Then we had a talk on second order conspiracies. I don't know why we're ordering Secunda
00:06:42
Speaker
conspiracy theories and restaurants. Surely a prima and a primary cause conspiracy theory is all a person needs and then you can go straight to dessert. Why are you your second order of conspiracy theory? I don't know and I don't think this person knew either. He didn't mention dessert even once in his talk.
00:07:00
Speaker
Then we had a talk on racist and anti-racist conspiracy theories, the yin and yang, and frankly I wasn't quite sure whether I should be racist or more anti-racist, or should I be more anti-racist whilst being more racist. It wasn't quite clear, but whatever the conspiracy theories are, I'm going to check them out.
00:07:18
Speaker
Then we had a discussion about heterodox conspiracy theories. Now, why heterosexuals get their own special conspiracy theories? I don't know. Here at Fisto Epista, we are, of course, sexually agnostic, in part because we have no idea what we're doing. But frankly, we need to have more homosexual conspiracy theories and less of this heterodox conspiracy theorizing going on in our world.
00:07:39
Speaker
Then someone asks, what should we worry about conspiracy theorists rejecting expert testimony?
Conspiracy Theorists vs Experts
00:07:44
Speaker
And I say no, because conspiracy theorists listen to people like me, and I am of course an expert, and people are listening to me, therefore nobody is rejecting expert testimony. Someone asks how conspiracy theories spread or hide attention and trust in belief-forming processes. I wasn't quite sure what a belief-forming process is, and I'm still not sure now, but that's because I'm fairly sure I know how to know things.
00:08:06
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and I don't need some fancy academic telling me how my knowledge comes about. Here at Fisto A Pisto we intuit the truth as do you, our dear listeners.
Existence of Conspiracy Liars
00:08:16
Speaker
Then there was a question about how there is a case of people being conspiracy liars. I have never met a conspiracy liar in my life. I know Alex Jones is full of the BS, but that's because he's controlled by the old world order. He doesn't know that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. He doesn't know he doesn't know he doesn't know that he knows. That he doesn't know that he knows he doesn't know. That he doesn't know that he knows. It's quite simple.
Censorship and Spread of Conspiracy Beliefs
00:08:40
Speaker
Then of course we had a question of whether we should be censoring immoral conspiracy theories. And frankly, once again, if people want to dress up and drag, or they want to wear gimp suits whilst conspiracy theorising, I don't see what to problem about that. We need to be fighting the Phoenicians and the Greeks, and not worrying about what clothing people wear when they put on their conspiracy theory suits.
00:09:01
Speaker
Then we had a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reading session about Don't Panic, and I'm not entirely sure why that was in the thing, but I really enjoyed it, because any case to talk about Douglas Adams makes me a very, very happy Melick Strones.
00:09:15
Speaker
Someone gave a new account of conspiracy theories attacking myself, although of course I'm a fictional entity, because when I play MRXtentive I'm not really being sincere, and another person called Keith Harris, or maybe it's Harris Keith, and frankly because I'm not actually believing the things that I claim to write about when I'm pretending to be MRXtentive, this account fell completely flat, even though I pretended I was very hurt at the time, because I'm a fabulous actor, that's why everyone thinks my accents are the best accents ever.
00:09:42
Speaker
And then of course we had a question about where conspiracy theories come from. And it's quite simple. They come from Pluto. All conspiracy theories come from Pluto. That is the origin of conspiracy theories. There is no question about this. It's really quite simple.
00:09:57
Speaker
Some people ask whether conspiracy theories should be marginalised. And I don't really think we need to worry about whether they're using butter or margarine. Whatever kind of spread they're using, we should help them. Because frankly, it doesn't matter how you spread the butter or margarine on your toast. It depends on what toaster you use.
Polarization and Victory of Conspiracy Theories
00:10:14
Speaker
Then we had a question about what to do when conspiracy theories cause polarisation, and the kind of speech hacks that lead to that kind of polarisation. Now, I'm not entirely sure how magnetic fields work with respect to conspiracy theories. I think it's very much a case of ferrous versus some kind of aluminium substance, where ferrous is the official story and aluminium is also the conspiracy theory. But if there is magnetism going on there,
00:10:37
Speaker
then I think we should go back to the source books from 1890 which first talk about magnetic theory and find out exactly what we should be doing next. Then we had a talk which said what happens when conspiracy theorists win, and this was an entire talk about the Mormon Church. Now I don't have any faith in the Mormon Church, I have no faith in any Christian creeds, but it was very fascinating to find out that Mormons kill people, so frankly I felt I learnt something.
00:11:00
Speaker
Then we had a very interesting talk about how to engage in respectably intellectual investigations into conspiracy theories and frankly as a
00:11:11
Speaker
exemplar of the investigative method when it comes to uncovering conspiracy theories by the old world order, I was very, very sad that Millik-Strones did not come up at least once in that particular discussion. I also didn't come up in any kind of discussion about when experts disagree, but of course that's because experts on conspiracy theories like myself never disagree. We're always in constant agreement with one another because that's how our theories work.
Geology, Epistemology, and Conclusion
00:11:36
Speaker
And then we had a discussion about analytic versus continental philosophy. And frankly, I don't know why geological shifts are affecting epistemology or conspiracy theories. So I was left none the wiser. Then there was a final talk, and this was about what's happening in Hungary. Now, I'm also very hungry, so I'm going to bring everything to an end here.
00:11:55
Speaker
because I don't have enough time or strength to be able to talk about these things. I've only got enough strength and time to be able to say, buy pigs urine from me, not from anyone else, only from me. If you're buying your pigs urine from anyone else, I will send Joe Joseph Johnson down the road and he will paddle the life out of you.
00:12:12
Speaker
that is a Melex Drones promise. Now I must continue to hide from the Old World Order, make sure I don't eat any Phoenician or Greek food and of course ensure I have a good night's sleep because Melex Drones is very tired, over and out.