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Episode 5 - The Holos
124 Plays8 months ago
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern aren’t dead, they’re just holographic actors in a museum on a backwater planet. But six months before The Hoodoo sets out on her mission, a freak “accident” occurs. Find out how two Shakespearean nobodies became sentient holograms battling monsters in space.
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Transcript
Guildstern's Role and Monitoring
00:00:02
Speaker
four months after the hudu's launch classified behavioral report project shakespeare cro 400 d 00 guild star date classified CRO Guild, designation Guildstern, is a tactical security hologram designed to interface directly with the ship systems and assist in security operations. Like all Soong-type holograms, her positronic matrix is monitored in real time.
Guildstern's Behavioral Assessments
00:00:34
Speaker
Her report is automatically generated daily to the Chief Researcher and Commander Leela Desai.
00:00:40
Speaker
Behavioral and psychological assessments are conducted by weekly by myself, Commander Leela Desai, or the Chief Security Officer. These assessments evaluate her mental health, function, emotional responses, and social interactions with the crew. Additionally, Guild maintains a behavioral log that she submits weekly to help us understand her self-perception. Assessment for month four of service aboard the KSS Hoodoo.
Crewman's Concerns
00:01:06
Speaker
We've received multiple reports of irregular interactions with Hollow Guildstern. Her behavioral logs imply an increasing sense of frustration. She co-pilots with crewman Jake Freeman, who believes she's in distress of some kind. What follows is an excerpt of an interview conducted by Chief Security Officer Lieutenant Metzley with Hollow Guildstern.
Guildstern's Personality Frustrations
00:01:30
Speaker
You're starting to annoy Jake.
00:01:33
Speaker
with your complaints about Rosie. I am? Fuck. Is that word in even in your programming hologram? Definitely not. My base program is some kind of mashed up combo of a Shakespearean nobody and an old earth cartoon for kids. Either one of them said fuck.
00:01:55
Speaker
What's the deal with you and Rosie? I don't know. It's just he doesn't have any personality. For some reason, that bothers me. Why does Rosie need to have a personality? I mean, shouldn't everyone have one? He's a hologram. So? I'm a hologram and I have a fucking personality. I am aware. Sometimes it's very disconcerting.
00:02:23
Speaker
Who wants a rifle that can get offended? No offense. At least I do get offended sometimes. Rosie is such a robotic wet blanket, he'd probably just agree. Guildenstern, being a wet blanket is a personality. Guild, it's guild, it's guild. I've asked Dr. Leo to update my file a million times. All right, all right. Don't laser me in the face. I'm sure the doc will get around to it.
00:02:52
Speaker
No need to be so unbalanced. Hear stop watching old movies from Earth?
Sentience in the Museum
00:03:10
Speaker
Why are we talking about hollow Rosencrantz again? Is he on your mind? Of course he is. We were literally made to react to one another.
00:03:22
Speaker
I just, I wish Rosie would just try a little. Try what? To be different. He's barely changed. I think he's doing the shaggy thing, so he fits in with me. I swear, if you called him Bildenstern, he'd say, yes, Lieutenant, as if we're the same person. Why is being your own person so important to you?
00:03:48
Speaker
It's not like you have a life. No, you on this ship. You and your frail bodies that house your inscrutable minds that are full of little quirks. Your unreasonable, chaotic, and predictable all at the same is that going for you?
00:04:18
Speaker
It's driving me fucking insane. Well, if you ask me, it sounds like you're figuring it out.
00:04:29
Speaker
This is researcher Leo. I'll now contrast that conversation to my interview with Hollow Rosencrantz after hearing this little interview. Here's his perspective on the situation. Begin log. Guildenstern.
00:04:45
Speaker
Worry is too much. Always as. He doesn't understand that I am being myself. I'm an actor at art, Doctor. Right now, I'm playing the Technical Engineering Oligram. It's a good gig. Nice background part. Used to that, I don't read anything else. I have to admit,
00:05:11
Speaker
When I wrote the code for Project Shakespeare, I never expected such fantastic results. Rosencants remain stable, but I recommend we increase the frequency of Guild's psychological assessments. Project Shakespeare must be repeatable and have a low margin of error.
00:05:30
Speaker
If we are going to do this at mass scale, we cannot afford to have the same types of complications I had after creating Dreadbear.
00:05:52
Speaker
Space. The Heartless Darkness. These are the records of the starship Hoodoo, its task to secure, contain, and protect against the entities and phenomena that pose a threat to the people of the United Socialist Khanate.
Defending Against Gorn Invasion
00:06:12
Speaker
Always resolved to boldly go where no one dares. We are Khan.
00:06:26
Speaker
Darp track. Starring. Narrator, Hip Hallman.
00:07:16
Speaker
Six months prior to the Hoodoo's launch, in the far reaches of the Khanate territory on a backwater-tearing frontier planet lies a museum dedicated to the ancient arts and history of Earth.
00:07:31
Speaker
Look, look, it's Scooby-Doo. Wow, Scooby mysteries are the best hollows. Like, zoinks, Scoop. Did you see that? Calm down, Chaggy. It's just a shadow. Among the exhibits, two holographic actors performed tirelessly for an audience that barely noticed them. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern recite lines from Hamlet in a quiet space opposite Scooby-Doo.
00:07:59
Speaker
Which dreams, indeed, are ambition, for the very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream. that Truly, and I hold nothing, either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. Can we go back to Scooby-Doo? Okay, sweetie.
00:08:32
Speaker
The quiet recitations of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are interrupted by a sudden assault. A group of gorn enter. Stay quiet, my loves. We need to find a way out without them seeing us. The terrified family hides below the holographic stage where the holograms continue, oblivious to the chaos around them.
00:08:51
Speaker
Why then, just none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison. Indeed, for what we know might be, and what we fear might be, are both perhaps present in our imagination, and why indeed should we regard it so? The museum's security system initiates an emergency protocol. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern flicker momentarily, their images warping before stabilizing.
00:09:26
Speaker
the family creeps closer to the holograms, an electrical surge pulses through the exhibit, triggering a long, dormant virus in the museum's protocols. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern fiddle once more, their forms briefly blending with the images of Shaggy and Velma from the nearby Scooby-Doo exhibit before stabilizing into something new.
00:09:47
Speaker
Within the storm of conflict and power, a spark ignites in the circuitry of our unlikely heroes. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, once mere echoes of Shakespeare's thoughts, now find themselves on the brink of something more, something alive. Guild, does thou perceive a strangeness in the air, a heaviness that was not there before?
00:10:13
Speaker
Verily, Rosencrantz, a transformation most peculiar. What art we to make of this newfound awareness? We are bound by neither script nor stage. Our duty lies with these innoc innocents. We must act. Zoinks, Kildenstern. Let us devise a stratagem to safeguard these halls and its treasures from those who would despoil them.
00:10:37
Speaker
A complication occurs in the museum museum. The power surge causes the holograms matrices to interact with the Scooby-Doo exhibit's narrative. Guildenstern begins to channel Velma's intellect to analyze the situation, while Rosencrantz embodying Shaggy's persona focuses on ensuring the safety of the children. If we are to confound our adversaries, we must use cunning and guile. The museum's layout will be our chessboard.
00:11:09
Speaker
wasn't let hum before them amidst our game Gildenstern nods and turns to address the family. Fear not, for we shall be as shadows guiding you to safety through this labyrinth of history and marvel. As the mother looks at the holograms, her fear mingles with confusion. Usain hollows weren't supposed to enter interact with the visitors.
00:11:32
Speaker
Especially not on a backwater planet like this one. Can you truly help us? The children, they're terrified. Like why not, fair lady? We've got this. Right, Guild? We'll keep you safe and maybe even snag a Scooby Snack on the way. How can we trust you? You're just programs. Once we were bound by scripts and circuits. Now we find ourselves free to act. Trust in our newfound purpose.
00:12:02
Speaker
Gildenstern leads the way, using our knowledge to navigate through the museum's back passages and exhibits, creating illusions and distractions to mislead the gorn. Rosencrantz stays close to the family, especially the children, offering words of comfort and even managing to elicit a few tentative smiles. Are you like Scooby Doo going to catch the bad guys? Gildenstern snaps his fingers and transforms into Velma Dinkley.
00:12:31
Speaker
We're on the case, kiddo. We might not have the whole Scooby Gang, but I will find the way with the help of Shaggy here. Gilder's turn gestures to Rosencrantz. Getting the hint, he transforms into the affable Shaggy. Just as the children relax slightly, Rosencrantz notices a security panel and quickly interfaces with it, temporarily disabling nearby security cameras to avoid detection by the gone.
Holographic Resourcefulness
00:12:54
Speaker
That will confound them if I'm not mistaken. Let us venture forward to safety.
00:12:59
Speaker
I hope you kids like playing hide and seek. Having tapped into the museum's schematics, Rosencrantz directs them to a supply room in a remote area of the museum. The door slides open with a soft hiss, revealing a small but secure space filled with supplies. Here lies your sanctuary amidst the storm. Remain here, and you will be shielded from harm. Thank you. I don't know how you did it, but thank you.
00:13:28
Speaker
Rosencrantz and Gildenstern emerge from the supply room. The once quiet museum is transformed into a battlefield. Gilden Scoob, our adversaries are like unaware of our totally massive cunning man. Let us flip the script on these goons and totally sit him through on a museum. Right, Rosie. They'll think we're harmless.
00:13:48
Speaker
They set traps around the museum using Rosencrantz newfound engineering savvy to create ingenious contraptions. Guildenstern, embodying physical prowess and strategic thinking, prepares to confront the intruders head-on. Take a look at this dinosaur skeleton, Rosie. With a bit of your engineering magic, we could bring it to life to defend its home.
00:14:08
Speaker
A most excellent plot, dear Gild, with like a tweak here and a twist there. Behold, a beast reborn from bones. The sound of Servos and Y is tensioning as Rosencrantz modifies the exhibit. The dinosaur skeleton springs to life, its mechanical roar echoing through the halls.
00:14:29
Speaker
Meanwhile, Guildenstern positions herself near the main entrance where the Gorn are expected. She waits, a digital embodiment of strength and resolve. This museum is ours. No Terran trickery can... The Gorn stops mid-sentence as the dinosaur skeleton lumbers into view, causing confusion and panic among the invaders. Ancestor!
00:14:50
Speaker
What have they done to you? The dinosaur sweeps through the stunned Gorn, scattering them. Guildenstern leaps into action to chase the Gorn into Rosencrantz traps. You won't find refuge here, vile creatures. One particularly bold Gorn charges a Guildenstern only to be met by her unexpected physical prowess.
00:15:10
Speaker
With a graceful maneuver, she dodges and uses the Gorn's momentum to send him tumbling into a net Rosencrantz rigged earlier. That was like quite the spectacle, Guild. Well done. Well, I guess that solves the mystery of the Gorn Heist. It looks like they were trying to recover these dinosaur bones because they considered them sacred.
00:15:30
Speaker
Uh, how did you figure that out? I listened to their subspace communications while they were raiding. You can do that? I guess so. The doors burst open and a squad of Khanate soldiers enters, weapons drawn, ready for combat.
Offer from Khanate
00:15:45
Speaker
They stop short at the sight that greets them, a museum in disarray, with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern standing amidst defeated Gorn. What in the stars?
00:15:55
Speaker
Report! Who are you two? Like, fear not, Capitan! I am Rosencrantz and this is Guildenstu- I mean- Sorry, Guildenstern, and we are humble guardians of this museum and, like, the universe, I think. It was quite the adventure. You can call me Guild. And henceforth, I shall be known as Rosie. Pray, might we be so honored as to make you thine acquaintance? Commander Leela Desai, Section 13.
00:16:23
Speaker
Commander Desai lowers her weapon and surveys the scene. Her gaze falls on the elaborate traps and a subdued gorn. Polygrams, you say? And you've outmaneuvered gorn? Do you know how you gain sentience? Did this happen today, or is this one of those ghosts in a shell situations? You're not going to sue this museum, are you? Rosie and Guild exchange a confused glance. What is a ghost in the shell?
00:16:50
Speaker
You don't know anything about the world outside of the museum, do you? Nope. And you can fight? Apparently I can. Your bravery and quick thinking have saved many lives today. The Khanate values such resourcefulness. We could use more like you. What do you think about enlisting? Enlist? I'm not so sure. I want to fight. Do we get to save people? Guild, maybe we should- Of course you do. We're a bunch of plucky heroes who solve mysteries in space. Like the mystery gang? Yep, just like the mystery gang. Sign me up. I guess we're in this thing.
Project Shakespeare Evaluation
00:17:31
Speaker
Dr. Leo Chaminuca and Commander Leela Desai stand in a briefing room in Black Tower 817. The view screen before them display detailed reports and analytics.
00:17:44
Speaker
and also the chairman of the United Socialist Continent. Emissary Sisko, Project Shakespeare was successful. The Rosencrantz and Guildenstern test subjects exceeded our expectations. Your foresight in recognizing the potential of Guilden, Rosie is commendable. Trust me, they are needed in the fight to come. Rosie seems well adjusted for a hologram, but I do worry about the Guild program.
00:18:13
Speaker
I see signs. If the body problem shows itself in Guild, there's a reason you don't put virtual girls in sex bots. They become incredibly violent. Guild is predisposed to violence, never mind being a security whiz. The consequences would be terrifying. Oh, she'll have a body problem. Just not the one you have to worry about. Indeed.
00:18:42
Speaker
Care to expand, German? You know I can't. Of course. I'll have them ready for the hoodoo within six months, emissary.
00:18:55
Speaker
featuring Thaddeus House as Chairman Sisko. Additional voices, Michael Dobson doing the corn soldiers and Vicky Sayow doing both the mom and the children. Thank you both very much, great work as always.
00:19:14
Speaker
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00:19:30
Speaker
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