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...And then came a rainbow | Navigating pregnancy loss and life after pageantry with Savvy Shields Wolfe
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In this heartfelt episode of The Hope Mindset Podcast, host Mikhayla Hughes-Shaw sits down with Savvy Shields Wolfe, former Miss America and advocate for women’s health, to explore the tender and transformative journey of life after loss.
Together, they talk openly about pregnancy loss, the role that pageantry played in shaping identity and resilience, and what it means to step into motherhood after loss. Savvy shares her personal story of navigating grief while learning to embrace joy again, offering insight and encouragement to others walking a similar path.
This conversation is a reminder that while loss leaves an indelible mark, it is possible to carry both grief and gratitude, heartbreak and hope—and to find joy in the most unexpected places.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
It's weird talking about it now, now that I know how the story ends, right? Not that my story's over, but now that I know that there ends with redemption and that it ends with like this beautiful rainbow of my daughter, it's it's a very sweet and I'm so privileged I get to share this story with the comfort of that knowledge.
00:00:20
Speaker
But I know a lot of people are are right in the middle of that gray cloud storm and there's nowhere supposed to be for sure.
Introduction to 'How About Hope'
00:00:30
Speaker
Welcome to the Hope Mindset Podcast. I'm Mikayla Hugh Shaw, and 10 years ago, i started a movement called How About Hope, and the HOPE stands for helping others and providing encouragement.
00:00:43
Speaker
The Hope Mindset Podcast is all about telling stories of struggle turned strength. What's up, you guys? I am so, so, so, so happy to be back with you. It's been literally way too long. I can't believe how long it has been since I have chatted with you here on the podcast, but i do believe that everything happens for a reason.
Personal Life Updates and Challenges
00:01:07
Speaker
There are so many, so many life updates to share with you all, but one of the biggest things I was diagnosed with ADHD at the big age of 28 years old.
00:01:23
Speaker
And everything just kind of makes sense. And I would say that the task paralysis part of that and wanting everything to be perfect is kind of what has led me to this taking quite a long time to get another episode out.
00:01:42
Speaker
But like I said, i really do believe that everything happens for a reason. And I feel like the timing of putting out this episode is actually kind of perfect. We are in Miss America season. And what I mean by that is the national competition has started.
00:01:59
Speaker
We are just days away from crowning a new winner. And maybe by the time that you listen to this, ah we will have a new winner. But my fingers are crossed for Iowa because we have yet to win a national title.
00:02:11
Speaker
And it's about time.
Introducing Guest: Savvy Shields
00:02:13
Speaker
So best of luck to my girl, Lydia. And... I say all of this to say our guest is none other than Miss America 2017 Savvy Shields.
00:02:28
Speaker
I'm so, so excited to have this conversation and to bring it to you all. ah But I do have to preface this with saying that we are covering some very heavy things today.
Experiencing and Navigating Pregnancy Loss
00:02:42
Speaker
And so it is really important for us to put out a trigger warning that we are going to be talking about navigating pregnancy loss.
00:02:50
Speaker
Savvy, selflessly, and openly shared about navigating pregnancy loss and what that looks like, what life looks like after that kind of grief and how you live with that kind of grief.
00:03:04
Speaker
ah Savvy is now a new mom. And she is a wife to Nate. They live in New York and life is beautiful. um And i'm I'm excited for you all to hear kind of the journey to how she got there.
00:03:18
Speaker
And for our pageantry folks out there, we are of course talking about navigating life with the crown, after the crown, get cozy and get ready for some real, real talk.
00:03:32
Speaker
Very fortunate to share this with you today.
00:03:40
Speaker
So when I first started competing, want to say my first local was in, it was in 2015.
Journey to Miss America and Pageantry Insights
00:03:50
Speaker
And um i did one in and then I did not do another pageant for a year and a half Really? and wait yeah oh wait Wait, are we recording right now? Because i want to hear this story.
00:04:06
Speaker
yeah. Yeah. I think it's already recorded. Yes. Okay, great. I was like, wait, I want to hear this. Yes. So my first local was in 2015. And I got recruited at this community event that I was performing violin at.
00:04:24
Speaker
And I remember like the DeLong State event. they will probably hear this i'll make sure that they do but um uh stacy de long came up to me and was like like have you ever thought about doing a pageant and i was like no so good show definitely haven't Um, and they were like, we just think like you would be a really good fit. Like there's a scholarship aspect to it and your talent is great. And I'm like, okay, sure. So I did it and I was like, wow, this was great.
00:04:56
Speaker
And like, I didn't do another one until 2017. It was like the sweep season 2017. And, yeah. and um I came back, did one, and then I didn't win that local.
00:05:11
Speaker
And I like was really okay with that. Like once again, second pageant ever. um But a lot of folks that encouraged me, Hey, like do one more, do one more. So I did. And then I went to state as sweep title holder, Ms. Wilde Rose way back in the day.
00:05:29
Speaker
um But I want to say, I think You were Miss America when I first, not in 2015, but. In 2017. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I was going to say like during that first um local season that I actually like, and like when I got invested, i was like, oh my gosh. Sure.
00:05:52
Speaker
I love this girl. Very different. Very different.
Social Media and Authenticity as Miss America
00:05:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. But what i loved about your time as Miss America was just like, you were very good about doing like mental health check ins on stories or just sharing like,
00:06:08
Speaker
some of the more real moments. Like I just felt like you were a very relatable Miss America, even though I know now on the flip side of that, that there's a lot that you didn't share that you shared after that time. um I feel like you've always been you know, kind of real about when times of struggle have come about. And another thing that I think that you articulated really well after your reign, you talked a lot about what it was really like to be a title holder and also how that impacted your mental health.
00:06:49
Speaker
Um, and I just remember thinking that that was a really cool thing that you were opening up about that, because I don't think that people necessarily understand the work that goes into being a title holder.
00:07:05
Speaker
No, no, I completely, well i think what's interesting is, I think the reason why I was able to do that was it was kind of the first, maybe second or third year that social media was really around during Miss America.
00:07:19
Speaker
and it was kind of a still this unknown territory of how were we not allowed to use it, but how are we even supposed to use it? And so my kind of method was, you know, I'll ask for forgiveness later. I'm just going to post what I think I should be posting.
00:07:36
Speaker
I'm going to be doing what I would want to see and Miss America be sharing. And, I think that just kind of came from the nature of, and you're so kind to mention that. There's so many ins and outs that we can go into, but that that for me was honestly a selfish endeavor because I felt a community of not just the people that I was interacting with, you know, in that state, in that day, during that appearance, but I was able to through you know the social media, I want to miss America, connect through people across the country and have those touch points. And even mentioned this just earlier, but community, i feel like is everything. When um we're going through hard times, when we're we're you know we're self-sabotaging, what I find in my life, in my past has pulled me out is the community that you choose to surround yourself with.
00:08:26
Speaker
And, you know, the the initial sharing is the scariest part. Whenever you, once it's out there, there's nothing but freedom and joy and weight being lifted off of you.
00:08:39
Speaker
And I think that it's it's also a contagious thing. I think whenever I surrounded myself with people who are very vulnerable about... what they're going through as a title holder or just as a normal human being, i found so much comfort in those people. And those were who I wanted to be like, and it's a contagious attribute to see in someone when they're so vulnerable and they're confident in their struggles. You,
00:09:03
Speaker
gravit or at least I gravitate towards a other of people and I think it's very encouraging to be around because it's just a reminder that it's it's everyone. like No one goes through this life unscathed and acting like you are is self-sabotaging because you're not gaining anything from that. You're only hurting yourself more and limiting the growth that you can have and what you really are struggling with.
Identity and Personal Growth Post-Miss America
00:09:26
Speaker
Mentally, what was it like to be miss America? Someone told me at the beginning of my year, you know, you're going to come out of this much different version of yourself, but it's just a year.
00:09:39
Speaker
And that's all you have. You can't redo it. it's just a year, which which is a very specific piece of advice for a very specific job. I don't think that piece of advice goes for how we should live our life in general.
00:09:51
Speaker
I think this only really goes for this time. And so in my head, I knew that it would be for a year. Yeah. And I kind of pushed through a lot. So like we even talked about, I didn't share a lot of the deep, deep issues that I was struggling with until afterwards.
00:10:08
Speaker
Because truthfully, I didn't have the time or the ability to process what was going on until afterwards. And I think it's a important to
00:10:21
Speaker
I mean, this is a different conversation, but before I'm sharing things online or before I'm talking about mental health, I think it's important that I actually do the work first before I talk about it.
00:10:32
Speaker
And so for me, it was really important to actually do the work and figure out what in the world just happened to me before I was much more vulnerable about it. yeah. But it was very difficult. You know, i say all the time that it was the best and and hardest year of my life at that time.
00:10:49
Speaker
You know, that was almost 10 years ago, which is so wild and so insane. That's almost a decade of life has happened since then. And so I've lived a lot more life, and a lot more beautiful, and a lot more harder things have happened since then. But at that time, it was the best and hardest year of my life.
00:11:07
Speaker
For multitude of reasons, you experience the highest highs and lowest lows. And so... There was just a nothing was constant. And when you're doing that every single day for an entire year in a different state every 48 hours, ah you you've come up the end of it a very different version of yourself.
00:11:25
Speaker
But I really liked that version of myself at the end. You know, someone told me actually at the beginning, they said you're going to be a much more assertive and aggressive version of yourself.
00:11:38
Speaker
And I heard that at the beginning and I didn't like it. And I was like, oh, I don't and don't want those attributes. I don't want to be that way. but It makes me laugh now because those are my favorite parts about me nowadays of how assertive and aggressive I can be because of that year.
00:11:54
Speaker
And it's so interesting how, you know, What attributes I think seem so foreign to us and scare us about ourselves. I think it's like the not like a shadow side of us but a side that maybe we feel like we can't tap into and then when we do it's very liberating.
00:12:13
Speaker
Mm hmm. Absolutely. And I think it just, this is a whole other podcast episode, I'm sure. But even just thinking of being assertive as a woman, right?
00:12:27
Speaker
it's an entirely different ballgame. yeah Aggressive as a woman. It's There's just a whole other layer. There's like this, how are you presenting yourself? Right. That's a huge theme in pageantry.
00:12:39
Speaker
ah huge thing in womanhood is how are you performing? Right. Especially now with social media, we're constantly, we're we're perceiving ourselves being perceived by thousands of people constantly. Right.
00:12:52
Speaker
And so the art of performing, i think, never really goes away. and if I think a lot of people who grew up in pageantry, it's harder to turn that switch off.
00:13:02
Speaker
It's harder to to stop, you know, our pageant voice, right? I feel like we all had that very timid, very sweet, very, very calm, very demure pageant voice that...
00:13:15
Speaker
It wasn't real for any of us. And I think it was it was it takes a long time to shake that and be like, okay, yes, that's a fun side of us. But how how are we really how are we not like just molding ourselves to be what we're supposed to be?
00:13:30
Speaker
But what does that look like at our core? Mm hmm.
00:13:35
Speaker
Wow. Yeah, that is so true. And it's a lot of unlearning in a weird way. Yeah, no, for sure. and Oh, yeah. feel like I had to relearn how to talk, how to answer questions.
00:13:47
Speaker
um too i was like, what is my opinion? Do i actually see both sides? You I'm saying? Like whenever you talk about interviews and things like that. It's a very interesting thing to, i think, when a lot of women men are people pleasers, and that's a lifetime of unlearning how to not do that.
00:14:04
Speaker
It's a good attribute in small doses. In small doses. i think what, ah on the aspect of mentally, what I didn't realize it was doing to me was like, it was a year of saying yes.
Finding New Identity and Coping with Change
00:14:21
Speaker
Just exactly all of it, like, regardless of like, rest and... like not even really take what was rest that rest was not a thing we're still tired for me at least yeah yeah genuinely i'm' it's been i can't believe when you just said like it's been almost 10 years I mean wow that is wild it is so wild it feels longer but also like it was last year at the same time definitely I'm not sure how but
00:14:57
Speaker
No, it's so true, though, because sometimes you can take yourself right back to that place. But then in the present, you might be like, oh, like you are a mom now. that's And that's like where I think for me is such a signifying line of in my life that there's a few different lines in my life that brought me further.
00:15:18
Speaker
And I think this is a part of the my mental health during Miss America was it became my identity. And that was what made me like special. That's what made me worthy and validated was that title.
00:15:33
Speaker
And that was a very hard thing because as soon as the next girl is miss America, you are no longer. You are no longer. And so for a very long time, that kind of leaves you swimming and it kind of leaves you like treading water, trying to find your next island of identity in a sense.
00:15:52
Speaker
And so I think a few signifiers in my life was when we moved to New York that felt like, okay, like now I can, this is a different thing about me that I can become. And I think it just takes time truthfully. And and i kind of relate this to, and in other times I've talked to people about this, like when there's been a ah moment of trauma in your life and it's hard, I think sometimes to separate our identities from the trauma that happens to us externally.
00:16:22
Speaker
We internalize that as something that who we are as a core identifier in our being. But I think that the farther apart we get from these dates or these times, these instances, um it's just time, which is so annoying.
00:16:37
Speaker
but we we gather more of our i identity. The grief and the trauma doesn't shrink, but our life grows outside of it. And that becomes more and more of who we are, um which is so frustrating. I think I remember I asked Debbie Turner Bell,
00:16:53
Speaker
um Miss America, I asked her, when did you feel normal after your year? And this is when that was Miss America. And i was like, how long did it take for you to feel normal again? And she goes, you're not going to like my answer. And I was like, what? she was like, five or 10 years.
00:17:08
Speaker
was like, five or 10 years? I was like, Debbie. Whenever I think of my identity, like, and I self-actualize it, that's one of the furthest things that I think of nowadays, which is weird, but it's special.
00:17:21
Speaker
I don't think you even recognize how much of like how big of a part of your identity it is until it's not there anymore.
00:17:35
Speaker
And then it's like, oh, okay. And in my career path, I went straight into TV. So then that's a whole other set of like ways that you're supposed to show up.
00:17:51
Speaker
right, and how you should present in a certain way. And so I always jokingly said, but it's true, um that being Miss Iowa set me up for my career, because i could not publicly have an opinion about politics or and certain, you know, human rights things or just like, you you kind of always have to just be neutral, right?
00:18:21
Speaker
And um talk about an interesting time to be a title holder when politics, oh, I didn't think about, yeah, you were, you were Miss America at a very crazy time.
00:18:33
Speaker
um And so yeah, there's been a lot of like, politically contentious times, but yeah We just had to represent the organization and you kind of have to put that aside or you have to find ways to articulate some sort of comment about it, but always still like, oh, like seeing both sides. Right.
00:18:56
Speaker
Yeah. So it set me up to... you know, do the work that I've done for the past however many years. But I think I am just now kind of coming into a new version of myself.
00:19:14
Speaker
And which I also think we have a lot more versions of ourselves to meet. Like, that is one thing. Nobody told me that. That's the whole point. Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:24
Speaker
But like, we don't talk about that enough. Like, you're going to live many lives. Like, a a close friend of mine, she always talks about her past lives. And I'm like, yeah, you're right, because we really do live a lot of different lives.
00:19:40
Speaker
But um it's just kind of freeing in a way to be able to separate yourself from that being your sole identity, um whether it be being a title holder, being ah maybe it's a career, too, because I think it you can get very tied to so that being your identity as well. And it's like, okay, when you peel that back though, what actually makes me happy?
Balancing Work, Social Media, and Mental Health
00:20:05
Speaker
i don't know. Right. Or like, what is something that I actually enjoy doing? it Yeah. It's been, it's been a very interesting journey and a lot of unlearning the people pleasing side of things too. Yeah.
00:20:21
Speaker
No, I can completely agree. Completely agree. Oh, pageantry. Yeah. Oh, pageantry. Exactly. Oh my goodness. But you know, you went pageantry to, um would you call it like influencer work or yeah doing? Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
00:20:40
Speaker
Tell me about that transition and the ways in which you um really have like worked to protect your mental health while being in that space.
00:20:51
Speaker
Because that is another thing that I feel like you've done a good job of kind of sharing with folks. um you But yeah, like like how how do you do that? How do you find that balance?
00:21:03
Speaker
I think, um you know, because social media is so much of what I did when I was Miss America. I mean, I was, die oh my goodness, that was all I did. And it became a very natural progression into following me afterwards.
00:21:20
Speaker
And it was still relatively new as a career path. I knew that it was a career path because I was making good money and it was working and I loved it. i was able to get other people and still get continue of my favorite parts as my reign and that made sense um but you know i mean people don't question as it as a career path now but 10 years ago it was very new at the time uh
00:21:47
Speaker
i hesitate because i don't know if i do a good job i i i think that so often Again, i process things internally and then I post things once I've processed them.
00:21:59
Speaker
So I think, yes, I post a lot about things that I have processed of the balance of it all. But it is a ongoing journey. I don't think there'll be a state of arrival with it because this life is constantly changing. Our work is constantly changing.
00:22:19
Speaker
And I also hesitate more because I think the biggest jump was when I became a mom. And that adds a whole nother component to it that i with work, I was even talking today about this last night.
00:22:32
Speaker
um It just kind of, it just kind of puts a whole different spin on it. But before I became a mom, putting this, you know,
00:22:40
Speaker
intense boundary lines of what was going to be my work life and what was going to be social life. Because those do bleed over into each other a lot. Putting in firm, hard boundaries as to what I was posting when I was posting and treating social media like a job and not treating it as something that was fun i was extremely crucial just to even stay sane.
00:23:05
Speaker
So you say it's a continuous journey. What some of the things that you do now to um you know, actually like rest from work or unplug, would you say?
00:23:19
Speaker
We have a healthy side and we have an unhealthy side. We have a healthy side of I very intentionally like work out whenever I have the opportunity. um That is so crucial for my mental health as a human being is to, I love classes.
00:23:34
Speaker
I love going to classes. That's just something that's good and healthy. and think finding things that are, you know, a net positive, for taking care of yourself is key but then on the flip side of it it is very crucial for me to once I put my daughter down to bed having or I'll put her to bed and the routine is I will clean up the house so that way it's nice and then I will like watch my show for an hour and like turn my brain off and like rot I don't know if that's it's not nothing wisdom it's not wise I don't know if i would encourage other people to do it but it's key in my life and I look forward to it every day but um I think having time and knowing like yes I have a healthy version of myself of whenever I'm taking care of myself but there's also things that I'm going to be um like mindless about and letting my body and my mind rest um other things as well I love journaling I do that every day and
00:24:35
Speaker
reading books that I know are smart, following accounts that I know only help unfollowing accounts that make me compare myself, that give me anxiety,
00:24:46
Speaker
um making sure that I'm connected with people. Like we said earlier, it's we're we're long distance from a lot of people in our lives, my family and I have lot of long distance friends.
00:24:58
Speaker
Being super hyper intentional, whenever I'm outside walking to a place, I will always be on the phone with someone. I will always be calling my mom, my grandma, a friend lives far away. i will be yapping to my destination from point A to point B. um Are they helping me get there so I don't get bored? For sure.
00:25:18
Speaker
But it is also very good i just for my heart to stay connected to people that are far away. That that fills my cup a lot. Mm-hmm.
00:25:30
Speaker
And I do think one, it's completely okay to watch your show and rot. and I agree. my Mine's been Grey's Anatomy. I know. i know It's given me more anxiety at times, but like, what are you going I have to watch it. I have to see what happens.
00:25:47
Speaker
Like, are you fully caught up? No, I just started it for the first time, like two months ago. Oh my goodness. like in deep. So I'm like having revelations that people had 20 years ago. It's kind of embarrassing that it's taken me so long to get to it, but...
00:26:03
Speaker
No, it's so fun when you do that, though, when especially because my husband and I are um binge watching Supernatural at the moment. Yeah. and I that's very old, too.
00:26:17
Speaker
um And so I'm now having some of those realizations. I completely do a choice. People were obsessed with this so long ago. Yes, me too. And i very much was not a like series watcher until Netflix came out. And then I was like, well, of course, we all had to actually wait, first of all, for something to come out on prime time.
00:26:43
Speaker
But like, think about what you were doing during prime time. You know, however many years ago, you were probably like playing outside or like, I don't know. Out and about doing school activities.
00:26:56
Speaker
But um no. ah Keep up with Grace. It's kind of a mess where it's at right now. But once you get further in, you'll have to let me know what think. It's little irresponsible, but I'm into it.
00:27:10
Speaker
yeah One... thing that you have been very open about is your loss that you had and was that like about a year ago maybe know two hours years ago yeah uh-huh And i can't even imagine, I can't even begin to imagine what that felt like.
Healing and Community After Loss
00:27:36
Speaker
And then to kind of openly share probably one of the hardest things you've ever gone through with the world. first I just want to say that that was a really selfless thing to do because feels very selfish to do because it healed me more than anything else did because it ah showed me i mean it's devastating how many people that's happened to in the moment it wasn't selfish in the moment I was scared and I literally threw my phone across the room and like they took
00:28:14
Speaker
Like, whatever I shared. It's like, what is going to happen? He's like, don't look at it. He's like, you're not doing this. He's like, why are you doing this? And I was like, I'm doing this because...
00:28:26
Speaker
you know, if one person feels comfort in it, and if one person experienced this, and now doesn't feel alone, and like, that's the reason, because that helped me when I was seeing people share about it. And he goes, okay, great.
00:28:39
Speaker
He goes, then you're not going to read the comments, you're not going to see anything, I'm going to take your phone, like, and so I literally posted it. And I didn't, he he like took my entire phone. And that next morning, I mean, it was, it was very overwhelming, the amount of kindness people showed.
00:28:55
Speaker
And you know, I think, Again, we say that no one leaves his life unscathed. I think it's like one in every four women, I think, experiencing miscarriage. I mean, i remember a doctor I met with said she thinks it's one every three just because of how often it happens nowadays.
00:29:11
Speaker
um Doesn't make it any easier whatsoever. But it, yeah, it was... It was awful. There was absolutely nothing that could make that better again except through time.
00:29:23
Speaker
And the pain that is still there, like I said earlier, the pain, like it's still, it's very large. And whenever their like due date comes around, it's so sad just thinking of who they were.
00:29:36
Speaker
by the life the life grows around it. And there's this weird like dichotomy that I struggle with sometimes because if that baby would have come earth side would have never had my daughter and would have been a different baby and iye i i can't it was always supposed to be adeline how do i rationalize those those two feelings of um like feeling so guilty that they were never here but knowing it was always supposed to be her and I can't like that those two feelings contradict each other and so we like to think or say that they like helped guide Addy here and that helped me process it a little bit more it's so heartbreaking to hear that it is
00:30:26
Speaker
one in four or, you know, one in three, whatever it may be, women that go through it. And I think one thing that you did when you shared is that you gave life to it for other people.
00:30:41
Speaker
Yeah, it was very, I mean, I'm very, like, glad that I did it. And, you know, it every time we around that year, I think I've reshared something similar about it on the day that it happens each time, just because there was, i think, again, there's so much comfort and community.
00:31:00
Speaker
And there's been so many women that, you know, who have messaged me on Instagram that I don't know other things through the app, but, like it's like in gray's anatomy this is so is so not what i should be saying but you know how know i can't believe i'm getting great anatomy reference this is honestly embarrassing um christina yang whatever she said welcome to the dead dad's club there's like this you know it's a terrible club to be a part of
00:31:37
Speaker
but when there's a collective trauma of you know i remember even my sister-in-law um nate's sister her pregnancy was a miscarriage and there wasn't a whole new level of sisterhood that that we connected over and she was like you don't want to be a part of this club but it's a club that will connect like you just so many women on a different level and there's women in my life that you know who i'm very close to that i had no idea that they
00:32:08
Speaker
and as marriage And so it's this this crazy thing. I mean, being vulnerable and and having that strengthen you is not a revolutionary idea, you no i Renee Brown's talk that went viral, at talking about it.
00:32:27
Speaker
And it's it's so true. i think so often we think that keeping things close and hidden will make them go away.
00:32:38
Speaker
um that always has the opposite effect. They always fester and grow until something cracks. often find the quicker that we talk about things,
00:32:49
Speaker
the easier they are to unravel and detangle outside of us um rather than just letting them grow but it's wild and and that's another thing too that it's it's weird talking about it now now that i know how the story ends right not that my story's over but now that i know that there ends with redemption and that it ends with like this beautiful rainbow of my daughter. it's It's a very sweet and I'm so privileged I get to share this story with the comfort of that knowledge.
00:33:24
Speaker
But I know a lot of people are are right in the middle of that gray cloud storm and there's like no worse place to be for sure.
00:33:33
Speaker
And it's the dead dad's club. i totally get what you're saying by that. It's just kind of like, hey, you're not alone in this.
00:33:45
Speaker
um And I do think pregnancy loss is just such a tender topic as well that it is...
00:33:56
Speaker
very easy for someone to not share about it. But the more that ah like I think about um Chrissy Teigen, I remember when ah she and John Legend lost, I want to say their baby's name was Jack.
00:34:16
Speaker
So I remember when she shared that and there were even women that I had went to school with that were sharing it and sharing their own stories of it happening to them as well.
00:34:28
Speaker
um I really think it's a discussion that we are having a bit more, but and there were also people that I learned that were close to me that had experienced it. And um It's also just, it's kind of crazy how common it because it's almost like previously you didn't hear about it nearly as much. And so it's surprising when you realize that a lot of women and a lot of families have gone through this, but I have a feeling that that really helped some people. And my little brother, David,
00:35:09
Speaker
I was actually just having a talk with my mom about this the other day. So I come from a blended family. i have ah like five, how many of, there's five siblings And but just spread across different families.
00:35:27
Speaker
And my dad and his wife at the time, um they experienced the loss of ah who would have been a little brother for me.
00:35:42
Speaker
And they had already picked out his name David. david Now on my mom's side, she got pregnant maybe about a year or two later she and that's my little brother's name, David.
00:36:00
Speaker
And so they named him David for being a fighter because she ended up having a really difficult pregnancy. She, um, was on bed rest for the last few months just because very high risk.
00:36:13
Speaker
Um, at one point they thought that they had lost him. And so, ae we always called him a miracle baby. and And he also came on January 1st.
00:36:25
Speaker
So he was the, he's a lot of things like it's, he's the first baby. He was a miracle baby. His name means strength. um But yeah, I was reminded of, I've done a lot of work with grief in the past few years because of just quite a few personal losses and um One thing that I keep hearing a lot about is like you, you get to see all your people.
00:36:53
Speaker
You get to see all your people on the other side. And even, i think it's so cool when you hear those stories about like great, great grandparents or something and um little kids seeing them. I'm, I'm into all of that.
00:37:10
Speaker
I'm into all things. i love it. here Those are the things. Cause I'm like served at 3am. Yeah. let And I go down every rabbit hole with it. Every single one.
00:37:21
Speaker
Every single one. But yeah, I really do believe that, um you know, our loved ones that we just didn't get a chance to meet, we will get to meet them. Or that's what I like to hold on to at least.
00:37:36
Speaker
Me too. do he I can imagine that your self-care and just... you know, really caring for yourself probably looks different now.
00:37:48
Speaker
think the biggest thing that I just think about is just giving ourselves grace. You know, the knowledge of everything passing is, you know, ah gift that hindsight gives us.
00:38:03
Speaker
and And every time I've come through something and whenever I think about the miscarriage, I mean, I did spend probably a week in bed, I think. And just... i i just did not do a thing. i think I just rested.
00:38:19
Speaker
And um at that time, I felt so guilty for it. Like I couldn't, like there is this, you know, habitual, like I need to do this. I feel guilty for it. and So I'm more anxious. No, I needed to do this again. It just keeps going in the circle.
00:38:32
Speaker
And then looking back, even, you know, a few months later, I was like, probably should have taken an extra week. You know what I'm saying? Like you're like, you look back and you're like, i was pushed, like I could have handled even more grace given to myself.
00:38:44
Speaker
And so I think that that's, whenever I think of any time that, you know, grief hits us or or a hard amount of emotions hits us, taking the time to process, I think is crucial.
00:38:57
Speaker
And I think that's always just a huge indicator of, you know, how much we're healing from something. Um, it is money of grace that we can give ourselves. that's much easier saying done than me saying this to me outside. The next time something traumatic hits me, I'm going to like, all right, I to get over this like 30 minutes flat and they're running move on.
00:39:14
Speaker
But it's, it's, I think something that is a lesson that I'm still learning. I mean, I can only imagine. Uh, and I think too, though, at least having that intentionality and, um,
00:39:29
Speaker
Like working out, you say that like working out is like your thing. Like that's like, is it? Okay. What is it about working out that, you know, like really does it? just got to go to, you got find your right class.
00:39:42
Speaker
You got to find the right class that you love. So I like love going to those like boxing classes it's all like black lights and there's like a DJ in the front and we're like punching to like a club music.
00:39:59
Speaker
So that's what saying. You just gotta find your thing. Maybe it's those bungee cord ropes that like look like insane workouts maybe it's one of those but you just gotta find something like makes you happy and it makes me super happy or like I've started redoing like adult ballet classes like things like that that are just I think it's important to kind of just treat yourself like a plant you know like get yourself sunlight water and move a little bit and moving is so important do you remember your state intro at Miss America
00:40:36
Speaker
Yes, but they wouldn't let us, I was going to say, they didn't let us have the cool ones. so so lame i so memory That's so so The time where, not to just...
00:40:49
Speaker
ah pull out the sad little violin right now. But um this is also when there was the whole thing where people weren't, and we weren't miss. We weren't miss anything.
00:41:00
Speaker
We were states. Yeah, I know. In my state, we don't have to wait. Hold up. Let me snap into place. My bangs are missing and they're part of the act.
00:41:12
Speaker
um so In my state, you don't have to wait to get a diamond. We can dig up our own. Because we're the diamond state. ah Oh.
00:41:24
Speaker
It was good. It was good. la But that is so good. That is so good. Honestly. Well. But I loved it. Oh, I about either corn.
00:41:35
Speaker
Corn.
00:41:39
Speaker
either corn Or, um yeah, corn or hogs, pigs. Like, somebody's intro was coming to you.
00:41:54
Speaker
I can't remember who said this, but it was like coming to you from the state that has more pigs than people. i am Miss Agua.
00:42:05
Speaker
that's what That's what it's all about. What is motherhood like for you? What has that journey been like?
00:42:14
Speaker
I will try to condense. um it It was without a doubt the most transformative experience um of my life.
00:42:25
Speaker
I don't think I'll experience a greater change in my life beyond that. um And I had a lot of people around me prep me for that change. So thankfully I was prepared for that.
00:42:42
Speaker
um But I and love it. I'm so thankful for it. It's the best thing ever. Anytime someone tells me that they're thinking of entering that phase of life, I just get so excited for them because as just it's just so much more colorful.
00:43:00
Speaker
I don't know how else to explain it. I mean, like because there's really... like insane, delirious, delusional, tired, crazy, crying parts, but you experience an infinite more amount of joy, creativity, love, experience, empathy, patience.
Motherhood: Transformative and Joyful Experience
00:43:23
Speaker
I feel like it just expands you. And i'm I'm so thankful for it. I feel very, very grateful. I like it a lot more than I thought that I would, which I'm very thankful for.
00:43:35
Speaker
Well, good. That's beautiful. And so it was so beautiful to hear. And ah yeah, I can't imagine what that change is like, but, um,
00:43:50
Speaker
It's gotta be really cool just to see a human that... It will never get old. It's so weird. Yeah. It is so weird. It is the strangest thing ever. You're like, I kind of created you. Like, that's why. It's so weird.
00:44:06
Speaker
Like, even last night, she woke up at 3 in the morning, and I'm in her room, and I'm rocking her, and I'm like, you look like me. And it's weird. Like, I know this. She's been around for over a year. but I'm like...
00:44:19
Speaker
what? You'll never get old. It's the best. Yeah. I'm so thankful. And you consider her to be your rainbow baby as well. Yeah.
00:44:30
Speaker
Yeah, totally. Absolutely. And i mean, such a, like, I'm so grateful and so thankful to even been pregnant, let alone get to her.
00:44:42
Speaker
And she's just a blast. I mean, i think that
00:44:48
Speaker
that's not to say that, you know, there was a few months that i really, really struggled because that's such a life shift of an adjustment to, um i mean, I remember I used to think that I was busy and i I know that I was, like, I know that I was busy. Like I was doing things all the time, but I'm like, what was I doing?
00:45:09
Speaker
Because nowadays, like, I just, there's no free time. You know, it's just like every, every moment I have has to be like, very intentional and thought about because another human involved that could wake up any moment.
00:45:22
Speaker
So.
00:45:25
Speaker
Yes, I'm like. hi It's how long does she usually nap for? Because I know going to it's going to it's literally a roll the dice. It is a roll of the dice.
00:45:36
Speaker
We will find out. We will find out. She'll probably wake up any moment now. She's going to sleep for about. I'm going to look at the clock. already 45 minutes it's pretty good it's pretty good ish no that's really good maybe maybe 50 i don't know i'm actually kind of surprised he hasn't opened up yet oh no that's but good she ist and and you know i think i mean we're talking about miscarriage i'm out i mean the the road to creating a family um is is is insane for everyone yeah i think that's something that i've learned and just
00:46:10
Speaker
of being in that stage of life with my friends who are in that same path of you never know how long it'll take. When it does take, will it stick? When it sticks, are they healthy? you just see there's a lot There's so much out of your control that is super hard to kind of hold your hands open to.
00:46:29
Speaker
um But there's just so much magic in it. it's such a weird, like, like just magic. You're just this is nuts. This concept of there being a brand new person in my life that is mine that will always be there is wild.
00:46:46
Speaker
It's so weird. I love it.
00:46:51
Speaker
You're like, it's really strange, but it's great. It is. i mean, it's the only way to think. I mean, it's, it's, It's the best thing that's ever happened to me without a doubt. It's fantastic.
00:47:02
Speaker
I like recommend it to everyone. um Let me, let me phrase that. I recommend it to everyone that wants that in life. People don't. And that's totally fine too. But if that's something that you want, yeah.
00:47:14
Speaker
Best.
00:47:16
Speaker
like I love how I'm like really thinking about that. I got married in July, so it hasn't been a full year. And yeah, Oh, those that aren't close to me the next day.
00:47:29
Speaker
yeah Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, great. Like, now is time. I'm like, no. Now is not the time. um But we do want kids in our future.
00:47:42
Speaker
But i always think about if, like, we didn't necessarily want kids. um Or maybe if we had, you know, what if we had struggled to have kids?
00:47:54
Speaker
I think what I'm trying to... That's not an okay question to ask unless you are on a very deep emotional base with that person. Yes. Okay. Like unless the person has brought that up, I just think that that is a question that I will never ask a person, nor should anyone ask you.
00:48:12
Speaker
it's such personal journey that comes with so much
00:48:20
Speaker
sometimes pain and you have no idea what someone else is living through. um so I mean, I i always err on the side. I'm shocked that people still ask that question. I feel like it's 2025. We should know that that's just something that we don't have to know people. and But you know, people are still learning, so we'll give them a little bit of grace, but do you think it's something that is shifting? You definitely do. I think on social media too, we're seeing so many people that are like,
00:48:48
Speaker
hey, this is weird because I have been trying for years. So please stop DMing me XYZ. You know what i mean? I've had friends who um are in the social media space who are very open with their trying to conceive journey. Or I have friends who do not want to speak about it. And again, that's everyone's journey. but no one if they're If someone is vocal and they want to be, that's great.
00:49:13
Speaker
But as soon as they put that like, okay, I'm i'm not going to be vocal anymore, then I think we have to respect that. And again, it's just that's such an intimate thing that it's a beautiful thing if someone wants to share about it, but I don't think there's any type of pressure or no one owes anyone anything.
00:49:32
Speaker
That's a very different. yeah
00:49:36
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's 2025. We should not be asking that anymore. What advice would you give to someone wants to support a friend or a loved one through that it's important that's my dog it's the same way that i think it's important to show up for however we show up for people that are going through grief is to just show up i think what we find and when you go through something is it' like when people ask you hey how can i help you um have no idea how you can help me can you do my dishes can you like like you're not gonna ask that of someone i think that you know and you don't know until you know things that were so helpful for me were when people would just send food over so I didn't have to think about dinner or when
00:50:21
Speaker
a friend would come over and she would clean my fridge. That takes such a mental load off. That's not related to the issue, but your life's all conjoined and connected. That still helps so much from another point of view.
00:50:32
Speaker
So I think just showing up for our people and checking in, but without a caveat of, Hey, I'm texting you to let you know that I'm thinking of you don't respond. You don't have the energy to respond, but I'm here for you regardless.
00:50:45
Speaker
I think that that's a narrative that I think people are talking more and more about. That's so helpful. But But think just showing up and and being intentional for people is key. And everybody's going to be a little different too. But just having the intentionality of wanting to show up, I think is good.
00:51:04
Speaker
Yep. that means more than anything. some Definitely. Well, you know, what's, what's next? What are you look looking forward to currently? It's so funny. Since what I was talking to Nate last night is that I feel like I don't have an answer to that question for the first time in my life because of the season of life that I'm in.
00:51:26
Speaker
And
00:51:30
Speaker
there's a, I think I was battling with feeling that that wasn't a good enough answer. I think, you know, I felt a little like
00:51:40
Speaker
lacking is the word for not having an answer to that question. But when I think of what I want my life to look like, I want to think that I was all in on this season of life when my daughter needs me so much and being okay with that. You know what I'm saying? Being okay with just being...
00:52:00
Speaker
like mom for when they're tiny and little, because you won't need me this much for long. And it's the best. And I love it. I feel such an honor and privilege to get to do it.
00:52:13
Speaker
And so That's my answer. What's next is dinner time or after nap snack.
00:52:23
Speaker
I was going to say, I'm like, well, she's going to wake up soon. And then, you know, all of it will start again. And it'll be great. think more please best.
00:52:34
Speaker
It's super fun. It really is. It's the best. It's fantastic. But I think it's just rewiring group rewiring what my definition of success looks like in this season.
00:52:46
Speaker
Absolutely. And you're right. um
00:52:53
Speaker
Oh, did we both just, uh, it makes me think of back to, uh, ah it makes me think of and back to when Miss America was like the biggest part of your identity, right?
00:53:06
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And it's like, okay, now i it's time for me to find the next identity to latch on to. yeah um And so you're always thinking about what's next? What are these goals? What is this? And so, yeah just take the time, just be present.
00:53:26
Speaker
Just enjoy. It's got to be such a fun season. And you're right. It is going to be only this tiny for so long. For so long. And then it'll be even better.
00:53:39
Speaker
And I'll worry about what I'll do next then. But for right now, my energy is directed elsewhere. Absolutely. Are you going to have her do pageants? I don't think so.
00:53:51
Speaker
if she who If she herself has a burning desire, and if she asks about it, then of course I'm not going to like hinder her from doing that. But i and I think that's what we're going to do with everything.
00:54:03
Speaker
i i Well, if she wants to do that, then yeah, we're going go all in. It'll be super fun. But that's not something that I'm going to project on. and like Oh, good. Okay. That's what most, ah most of my friends that now have say the same thing, but she'll know about it. Like we'll watch funny videos, but that will not be something that I ever suggest to her. I think that it's important. That's something she wants to do on her own.
00:54:30
Speaker
Absolutely. Oh, but you really could have a little Miss America. How cool is that? oh my gosh.
00:54:37
Speaker
What is it that gives you hope?
Creating Joy, Gratitude, and Hope
00:54:44
Speaker
I mean, first off my faith, without a doubt. um But I think also what gives me hope is, you know, in life, I think so often I waited for happiness and joy to be something that happened to me externally.
00:54:59
Speaker
And if we wait for it and we wait for it to happen to us, I think we'll always be seeking it. But when I found that if we seek it out and if we create it and if we count our blessings, focus on gratitude, and we we seek out happiness and create it, we find that it's in abundance.
00:55:23
Speaker
and And know that always gives me hope. um And especially just seeing life anew through my daughter's eyes um has made everything that much more colorful.
00:55:38
Speaker
And it's very easy to get cynical, but It's very joyful seeing how she sees the world.
00:55:52
Speaker
Thank you again for tuning in to the Hope Mindset podcast. And be sure to get connected with us on social media. You can find us anywhere with the at name at HowAboutHope. And stay tuned for more episodes. Go out there, spread some love, spread some light, and you'll hear from us soon.