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The Sexual Addiction Epidemic in America - Having a Conversation With a Former Buyer | Part 2
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In this podcast episode, we continue our discussion around the epidemic of sexual addiction in our country and how it is fueling the demand for trafficking.
We discuss this with a former buyer, who has been rehabilitated and helping men out of Tampa Bay, Florida to address their addiction and overcome the urge and felt need of their compulsions, which may cause a p*rn addiction, hurting their marriage, or possibly purchasing someone in the commercial s*x trade. Listen to part 2 of of this conversation as we discuss Allen's journey as a former buyer and the road to recovery and how that looks.
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Want to help make a difference? Become an Abolitionist under the U.S. Institute Against Human Trafficking to become educated and engaged in the fight to end human trafficking in America. https://usiaht.org/abolitionist
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Transcript
Exploring Sexual Addiction and Trafficking
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome back to our training regarding our discussion around sexual addiction and how this leads to the demand that the sex trafficking industry is built from. In this portion, we're going to hear more from Alan about the journey of men who have purchased sex and have been caught or someone who is ready to find help for their sexual addiction. This includes his own story and his journey to recovery.
John Schools and Behavioral Change
00:00:27
Speaker
You mentioned before about John School, kind of the what they're typically doing in John Schools that are often court ordered, things like that. Right. ah So they're they're told to go and they they say, this is what's, you're you're helping with human trafficking. We don't know the exact extent that they're talking about it. um And then they're kind of telling you, by the way, too, you're you're hurting yourself by possibly getting an STD. So kind of like you said, kind of yeah guilting, giving fear.
00:00:57
Speaker
What do you do differently? I teach these guys how to do life differently because if they're buying sex, they're gonna make the decision. I'd rather reduce the pain I feel from my unresolved trauma because that's more important to me than the risk of an STD or the risk of getting caught. Now that might sound silly to a healthy person on the other side of this microphone and there's a reason why it sounds silly.
00:01:26
Speaker
It's silly. You're right. But you need to understand that.
Impact of Pornography on the Brain
00:01:32
Speaker
Remember how I said when you consume pornography, your brain changes. So everything about the visual cortex and your eyes and everything for processing images and video gets really big, robust and strong. Guess where it pulls all of that gray matter from? It pulls it from the frontal lobe.
00:01:52
Speaker
These brain scans show incredibly atrophied frontal lobes with scallops and holes. There's a lot of material missing. And so the addict is just not capable of executing any judgment, right? Their executive faculties are severely compromised and and they make poor decisions as a result.
00:02:16
Speaker
In our groups, when the men come in, they have this problem.
Support and Decision-Making in Recovery
00:02:20
Speaker
They'll share problems in their life and how they're hoping to deal with it. and It's the other healthier men that are further down the road that act as a surrogate frontal lobe and say, hey, what about this option or that option? would Probably be better. you know Stuff that the new guy is just not capable of identifying.
00:02:39
Speaker
and That's how they can sort of lift them up so themselves up by their proverbial bootstraps. And it can be quite scary ah growing out of that. Because as they heal, you know, you have these men, right, they've got a job and a mortgage and a wife and kids, and the executive capacity of a 10 year old.
00:03:05
Speaker
And when they start to grow out of that, it's scary when they start to come face to face and really own their place in life and how much responsibility they have. And they need help. And the group can give them that. When these guys come to you, ah how often is it like, hey, I have a problem, I need help?
00:03:27
Speaker
And how often is it like, I'm just told to be here. ah We get a little bit of both.
Types of Men in Recovery
00:03:33
Speaker
ah My friend Dave is on the president of my board. He's a therapist and he's the man who helped me to heal. And I credit him literally with saving my life. He doesn't like it when I say that, he blushes, but he did. He did, there the Holy Spirit used him to do it. What Dave says is there are only two types of men.
00:03:56
Speaker
There are rebellious men and there are repentant men. So for me, when I disclosed my behavior to my wife, that was the moment in my life that I decided to submit to God. And that is the day that I stopped being rebellious and started to repent. So we get a lot of guys who are just checking the boxes. They come by so they can tell their wife they went to a meeting.
00:04:25
Speaker
those guys aren't gonna have a good outcome. We have guys who come and they go through all the motions and they do all the work and they're they're just trying to save their marriage. And you would think that that's a noble reason. It's not good enough.
00:04:44
Speaker
The types of motivations that are associated with the best outcomes are the guys who love the people that they hurt, and that includes God. And they want to learn how to be better, how to do life differently so they can stop wounding the people they care about. If they can be others centered enough to have a motivation like that, those are the men that succeed.
00:05:16
Speaker
but makes I mean, I hear you there. like it it does It does take a man wanting to get better before they can get better. There's there's no there's no forcing.
00:05:30
Speaker
but what helps them understand that they need to get
Addiction's Illusion of Safety
00:05:33
Speaker
better? I mean, what what what is what is the click, right? Like, what is the click that makes someone go, like, because because I remember you said, and you hadn't said it yet, but I remember when I first talked with you, you said, these guys know that they're doing something bad. It's not like, you know, the whole idea of like, we thought we were helping them. I think most people don't actually think that way.
00:05:51
Speaker
Like, oh, well, she sold her she was doing it. So it's, it's, it's her living. What have I done wrong by helping her living? Well, I mean, you can justify anything, right? Especially an addict, they can just write anything. Are they normally justifying it that way? Or are they going in? no no I don't know I'm doing something bad, but but no, they know they know that their behavior is wrong.
00:06:12
Speaker
ah as evidenced by the fact that they don't tell everybody. you know I'll be honest, not every man who comes to us succeeds. sure We have a big washout rate, and it's just for reasons like that. They're not ready. you know ah In C.S. Lewis' screw tape letters, there was that that lizard on the shoulder, and the conversation Let me kill it. I know how to kill it. I can get rid of that for you. And um they yeah they want it. They still need it. um There's a very famous doctor, Gabor. He's probably the world's, or one of the world's leading authorities on addiction. And I'm a big fan, as you can tell.
00:06:55
Speaker
But one of the things that he said to one of his attics is he says, think of your addiction as a life preserver, right? You're out in the ocean, it's high seas, it's dark, it's storming, and this life preserver is keeping you alive. But it is an addiction, and at some point along the way, your life preserver stops being made out of styrofoam and turns into concrete.
00:07:26
Speaker
And at that moment, you have a choice. You can take it off and tread water to try to stay alive where you can sink into the depths and die.
00:07:41
Speaker
And I believe that's true. It was true for me. So to rephrase your question, what do you do when a guy comes to you and his life preserver is still made out of styrofoam? you know Well, at least they know where the meeting is and they come back later.
00:07:57
Speaker
But if a guy comes to us when he's at rock bottom, when he just blew his marriage up and his life preserver turned into concrete, we do much better because he's all in. He has nowhere else to go. And that's kind of the place where a guy needs to get to before they can be serious about recovery.
00:08:21
Speaker
I'd like to pause and reflect on what Alan has shared, but I'll begin with this life preserver illustration. That illustration is exactly that, an illustration. It's an opinion. Many people may agree or disagree with that, and that is okay. I believe the reason why Alan identifies with The idea that your addiction is a life preserver is because that is the mindset of an addict. It's their fix. It's what helps them cope with life. It's what they end up living for. The issue with that illustration, I think, is that it makes it sound like the addiction is saving their life.
00:09:00
Speaker
I wouldn't put it that way. ah But I understand that this is a feeling. It's a feeling of, I must have it at all costs. This is why many addicts accept their fates. They know what they're doing is wrong or bad. But you cannot convince them that the effects of this addiction outweigh their ideas of the benefits of the addiction.
00:09:23
Speaker
It's twisted, as Alan even said. It's silly. Many times, if someone feels that they can get away with their addiction or, using this illustration, float through life with this addiction, that it doesn't affect anyone else. That's the lie. Naturally, it's not true.
00:09:44
Speaker
You're never truly floating. You probably just didn't realize how much you were sinking. To truly heal from an addiction like sexual addiction or porn addiction takes a brave step to admit that there's a problem and offer the humility and willingness to accept the consequences of your actions so that you can turn away from that addiction. That is difficult, but it must be done.
00:10:10
Speaker
That is why we as a society must find a way to talk about this more. We need to bring it to light and help prevent the compulsions before they reach porn addiction or sex buying and help those who are stuck in this mentality of sexual addiction. If you are someone or know of someone struggling with this, I challenge you to never stop trying to help or find help.
00:10:36
Speaker
I am not saying that we simply forget the consequences that may have to be involved, but we can help them overcome that addiction. Just like Alan was able to overcome his addiction or rather deal with his addiction.
Confessions and Rationalization of Buying Sex
00:10:54
Speaker
You've said you've purchased $1,500. Yeah.
00:11:01
Speaker
I mean, I don't want you to give me specifics. I don't want you to tell me how to do it. I want to get an idea of like, how in the world did you do it? Like like it's coming from my point of view of someone by by all means who understands the exposure of porn, porn addiction, like I'm a male in this world, I'm aware of all of it. um I have my own convictions that kept me from it and I was blessed with a lot of things to keep me from it.
00:11:33
Speaker
um But I do believe that most even in people in my situation, if they're put in this situation the first time, like you kind of explained earlier, yeah I think most men fail yeah in that situation because of how we're exposed, because of how. and and And usually it's the fear of being exposed that keeps you from doing it, the fear of punishment. Those are usually the two biggest things, or the fear or the fear of what you'll lose because of the punishment ultimately. um So, but,
00:12:03
Speaker
going back to what I'm, I guess what I'm asking is like, how, where where were you finding them? How are they being introduced to you? And did you know their situation?
Insights on Trafficking and Addiction
00:12:17
Speaker
Okay, so I'll remind you that this behavior was a 17 year window for me. 17 years. sure So the math kind of works out. In most healthy marriages, they have sex twice a week.
00:12:31
Speaker
I had sexualized this behavior to satisfy my appetite. So I was buying twice a week, which is like 100 times a year. um I got married in the middle of it and stopped for about two years. And that's why I bought 1,500 times, not 1,700 times. Guys think if they get married, it'll fix it. Guys addicted to porn, they think, oh, I'll just get married. Because when you get married, you can have sex whenever you want, right, fellas?
00:12:57
Speaker
ah You don't get to say when you have sex, and it's not every time that you want sex. so um For me, ah I did a lot of driving with a part-time job, and I just came upon women that were walking on the side of the road.
00:13:17
Speaker
um Not every woman that walked on the side of the road was somebody that I felt attracted to, but occasionally they were. And i so I learned that that's why they were out there in many cases. I learned how to tell a woman who was selling herself versus one who was just walking home from the store.
00:13:39
Speaker
You can figure that out. like It's my new cues. Well, no, I didn't have to find a new person okay because every every every time I met somebody, if I liked that person, I would get their phone number and I would you know text them. And I tried to keep my number of partners to a minimum because I knew high risk behaviors with high risk people. I was very exposed.
00:14:04
Speaker
So, um but yeah, that's how, you know, you end up with a Rolodex. And then when you try to quit, the Rolodex calls you. It's tough to get out of it. The way you picked up is probably different than what most men are now picking up as a first time or so, right? Yeah, and there's all kinds of ways. I mean, there's back page, there's social media apps. um A lot of the ways that a ah pimp will grow their book of business is they'll have the women under their control
00:14:37
Speaker
um strip on the weekends at a strip club. ok And when they go back to the private room, they're exchanging phone numbers for outcalls. If you want to see me during the week, I'll take care of you for so much money. ah Because you know the women that I was with were drug addicted, most of them to crack at the time. That's not the drug of choice today.
00:15:00
Speaker
But the same dynamic exists so they would always want after I paid them to be dropped off at at a crack house and so I assumed that the men who were there were dealers and I later learned that they They wear two hats. They're dealing and they're managing the women So they're a pimp and a drug dealer So during this time did you ever think to yourself?
00:15:24
Speaker
At the end of the day, they want to be doing this? Like, did you justify it in your mind? At the beginning, you know, because I mean, they're very good at selling it. They will sell the girlfriend experience when they're with you. They appear to be happy and not compelled, but they are being forced. And it took me years to figure that out.
00:15:43
Speaker
You know, human trafficking isn't being taken in a white van and it's not kids in Honduras. I mean, it is those things, but it's happening right under our nose in Tampa Bay. yeah I mean, there are housewives that aren't happy with their marriages that pimp themselves out. You know, they're doing it and no one's forcing them. um That's not the majority of the activity, but I mean, it's pervasive. There's familial trafficking.
00:16:11
Speaker
One of the guys who spoke at my men's conference is an ex-buyer who married a survivor they met at a conference years ago and they each have their own non-profits and they minister on both sides of this equation every day and he shared in his talk with us that his wife was trafficked um by her family members as early as eight years old and when she turned fifteen her father would sell her
00:16:44
Speaker
and It's so hard to detect, you know, when the parents
Ownership and Accountability in Recovery
00:16:47
Speaker
are behind it. How do you even detect it, never mind deal with it? So, I mean, it's just absolutely hard and some of the things that are going on today with children would disgust you.
00:17:03
Speaker
I won't go into a lot of detail, but these babies that are being raped rarely live past the age of two. So the traffickers that supply this service to the people that consume it have learned to start breeding programs.
00:17:22
Speaker
where adults are getting pregnant to produce a baby for this purpose, they're having home births with no records, no birth certificate, so that when that baby dies, there's no legal consequence. Now, we haven't talked about my testimony. my My pain, what I've been through, my trauma is on a very high level.
00:17:42
Speaker
and I mean, most people who really know it, it's a miracle that I'm even alive. And that's not an excuse. I'm not blaming anything. You know, our families of origin aren't perfect, our parents aren't perfect, and it's our job as mature adults to fill in those gaps for ourselves, love our family for where they were at, and recognize they did the best job they could with what they had at the time. um We don't externalize this. We need to own it because you can't solve a problem unless you own it.
00:18:14
Speaker
And it's hard work to solve that problem problem, but I just want your listeners to know that as bad as this problem is, it is solvable. Those people on the street don't think it's solvable. They think it's horrible and there's no way to stop it, but there's a way.
00:18:32
Speaker
Thank you for listening. In our next video, we'll listen to more balanced story and thoughts around sexual addiction.
Addressing Human Trafficking
00:18:38
Speaker
I just want to say, thank you for taking the time to listen and seek further understanding about the mindset of a sex addict, a porn addict, and a sex buyer. All addictions that are being preyed upon or developed by the commercial sex industry in our country.
00:18:54
Speaker
If we're going to fight against human trafficking, we must attack it from both ends. The recruitment of men, women, and children to sell their bodies for sex, often through force or manipulation.
00:19:07
Speaker
and the other side, where men, women, and children are groomed to be consumed by on-demand, falsely fantasized sex that fuels the demand. You are helping by being educated about this addiction so that we can make a change in our society.