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03 - The Many Failures of Sir Humphrey Gilbert
59 Plays3 months ago
Although Walter Raleigh is famous for founding the first permanent settlement in North America, history has largely forgotten his half-brother who was a genius, a fool, a bloodthirsty psychopath, a terrible explorer, and somehow founded the British empire.
Sources and Further Reading
Chidsey, D. B. (1932). Sir Humphrey Gilbert: Elizabeth's racketeer. Harper & Brothers.
Gosling, W. G. (1911).The life of Sir Humphrey Gilbert: England's first empire builder. [Electronic Version]. https://archive.org/details/lifeofsirhumphre00goslrich/page/n1/mode/2up
Gilbert, H. (1576). A discourse of a discouerie for a new passage to Cataia [Electronic version]. Henry Middleton for Richarde Ihones. https://archive.org/details/discourseofdisco00gilb
Elizabeth I. (2025, August 27th). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_I
Schulman, M. (2022). A timeline of the age of exploration. Historycentral.com. https://www.historycentral.com/explorers/Index.html
Canadian Museum of History. (n.d.). Jacques Cartier 1534-1542. Virtual Museum of New France. Retrieved from https://www.historymuseum.ca/virtual-museum-of-new-france/the-explorers/jacques-cartier-1534-1542/
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Purpose
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello, everyone. Welcome to episode three of The Wonder Camera. I am one of your hosts, Jen Rumpel. I am here with Dave Powell and Tracy Anderson Powell. And we are here to share with each other something fascinating. We're going pull something out of The Wonder Camera, out of our little cabinet curiosities and share it with each other. Today, it's Dave's turn. What he got?
Humphrey Gilbert: A 'Bad' Explorer
00:00:47
Speaker
All right. This podcast, as you know, is directly inspired by other podcasts, which is how you do. And I love me some read and react podcasts. And one thing I've noticed is they don't tell a lot of Canadian stories. So I went searching for a great story of an explorer. And I want to specify this is not a I'm talking about a great story, not a great explorer.
00:01:11
Speaker
It's the best kind. Colonizing inhabited land is it's not good. I consider it kind of evil. And I want to understand the history through that lens. And
The Age of Discovery and Colonization
00:01:20
Speaker
I think I found a great story about a bad explorer.
00:01:25
Speaker
I am excited. Wonderful. I know so little about explorers. Oh, this one's a good one. I knew nothing about this. Nothing. Because being all Canadian, we learn Canadian history in sort of grade 11 only, and then we forget it.
00:01:39
Speaker
Or those history minutes on that were on. Yeah, the heritage minutes. Heritage minutes, yeah. Yeah, these little government shorts, which are usually pretty well produced, that show a moment in Canadian history. And all history is myth-making. And it's important to know that. And we're constantly
Failures and Motivations of Humphrey Gilbert
00:01:56
Speaker
learning new ways to frame those myths or possibly learn some new true things, which change the narrative.
00:02:03
Speaker
So we're going to go back to the age of discovery. We're going to England in the middle of the 16th century. So I wanted to tell a Canadian story, and this is not a Canadian story. This is an English story about a failure. A failure so great it inspired generation after generation of future failures.
00:02:23
Speaker
its All right. I'm so curious now. He failed out?
00:02:29
Speaker
Maybe. No, he failed catastrophically. He failed catastrophically. But to create more failures. it's yeah you'll You'll understand. It's hard to summarize. I'm going to tell this tale of scholar, soldier, inventor, and would-be explorer, Sir Humphrey Gilbert. That's a British name. Yeah, Tracy's heard this name a couple of times because we live together and it's hard to keep our episode secret from each other. Have you ever heard this name, Jen? I have not.
00:02:58
Speaker
I mean, maybe somewhere, but Humphrey and Gilbert, pretty common. Maybe I've seen him thrown together somewhere, but he's one man I do not know. He's important. Something that only the real heads know about is the best way to put I had no idea who this guy was. well this is what we're here for Exactly. ah So there's some potential for date confusion as I talk into this, because in Elizabethan English, they used a different calendar, which had the year starting in March, so the Julian versus Gregorian calendar. And because I primarily used one source, I used more than one. And sometimes the dates might mix up a little bit. So I'm going
Brutality in Ireland and Scholarly Contributions
00:03:38
Speaker
to be a little abstract with the dates because sorting them out sounds like a lot of work. Sure. It's like a two-week difference. It's all good. Exactly. So in the 16th century, spice was everything.
00:03:51
Speaker
But spices were on the other side of the planet, and getting them was very hard. Seafaring technology continued to advance, and as it did, the ships went further and further from Europe. And the first on the scene were the peninsular nations. Well, not really nations, kingdoms, Spain and Portugal. While Portugal rounded Africa trying to find a route to India, Spain hired an Italian named Chris who went off to find the East Indies and he landed in the Caribbean.
00:04:19
Speaker
And this kicked off the Age of Discovery. And I'm going to quote Kurt Vonnegut here to frame the Age of Discovery and the word discover. The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. This was simply the year in which the sea pirates began to cheat, rob, and kill them.
00:04:42
Speaker
So putting that in the frame of mind, exactly, I'm going to start talking about our timeline to get a sense of what's going on, how and when, because this is very much going to be about the next step in this age of discovery.
00:04:56
Speaker
So in 1492, we know what happened. And a resulting papal decree saw these islands in the West and Africa, South of Europe and went, what if I drew a line through the ocean and gave these lovely Catholic nations, have these Spain gets the West, Portugal gets the East.
00:05:13
Speaker
And this line accidentally cut through the Eastern part of South America, which is why Portugal colonized Brazil. The Europeans were aware it existed. Just all the other people living there. They're yours now.
00:05:26
Speaker
Do it as you will. Yep. And importantly, all their stuff, because there was some stuff to take. up That's the main thing. Exactly. It's all about taking stuff. So in 1497, Englishman John Cabot, searching for a spice root over the Americas, over the Americas rather than under it, this will be important, is the first European to make landfall in Newfoundland since the much earlier Norse visits.
00:05:52
Speaker
And since that point, it became a popular destination for European fishermen because, as you may know, fishing off of St. John's, pretty good. Pretty good fish there. But the cod's so thick you could walk on top of the water. ah those thick You can hear their cheeks clapping from across the Atlantic.
00:06:10
Speaker
stick who sees Thick Thick cod. Double C thick. I'm not going to try a Newfoundlander accent, but you can imagine someone talking about the dummy thick cod.
00:06:27
Speaker
I meant in thin number. Yes. Thick in number. Like a walk on the water on the backs of the cods in the sea. The interest in Newfoundland was never about discovery of new lands to colonize or Northwest Passage. It was about sexy fish. That's right. Delicious. Delicious.
00:06:46
Speaker
so In 1498, the Portuguese successfully sailed around the Cape of Good Hope and made land in India. Columbus also reached South America to just
Political Climate and Explorers' Strategies
00:06:56
Speaker
start fucking up everyone's lives there. In 1510, the first enslaved people are kidnapped from what is now Angola and sent to the Caribbean.
00:07:03
Speaker
The Atlantic slave trade really didn't kick off until later, but still, they were setting up colonies. Everybody was dying of malaria, and they really wanted a lot of people who couldn't say no to a terrible day's work.
00:07:17
Speaker
So for the next decade, Spain and Portugal are exploring the coastlines and setting up colonies. Then we hit 1534 to 1541 and a very famous name in Canadian history, Jacques Cartier, tries for the Northwest Spice Route, trying to go over the Americas again. Named for the Jewelry.
00:07:35
Speaker
Exactly. He explores the St. Lawrence River and is absolutely convinced that if he can get past these damn rapids, China's right over there. Notably, he asks a couple Iroquois youths, where are we?
00:07:51
Speaker
And they point in a direction and say Canada, meaning that's the village. And the word Canada means like village or settlement. And he's like, this land is Canada. That's where the name comes from. On the third voyage, he tries to found a colony near what's now Quebec City. Doesn't take, doesn't last a year. Everyone dies terribly.
00:08:10
Speaker
As they wont to do. Absolutely. That's pretty common tale. That repeats itself too through history. Everybody dying and... oh Oh, yes. they The settlers did not have a great time at first.
00:08:24
Speaker
No. Settling, since we've all spent our time in northern heavy forests, it's not hospitable land. You really need to know what you're doing to live out here without a lot of electricity, water, and internet.
00:08:37
Speaker
So... we're goingnna and then the timeline goes to our story in the 1540s where the Spanish begin mining absurd amounts of silver in Mexico. This silver rush makes everyone a little bit crazy.
00:08:49
Speaker
And now I'm going to focus in on England and I'll try to very quickly summarize the political situation. Because as we know, the political situation in England in the 16th century.
00:08:59
Speaker
So there's a Tudor succession crisis. I don't want a four hour episode. I'm going to try to summarize it paragraph. Henry VIII fires the Pope so he can divorce his first wife, Catherine of Aragon, so he can boink her lady-in-waiting Anne Boleyn.
00:09:14
Speaker
He then kills Anne and goes through a bunch of other wives and then dies. Yeah, poor Anne. His son, Edward, becomes the king at nine years old. England is moving Protestant.
00:09:25
Speaker
Henry got rid of Catholicism, wasn't quite sure what to do with what he had left. Edward and importantly, people behind him wanted Protestantism. Edward then keeled over at 15. And oh, no, his sister is Mary and she's super Catholic.
00:09:40
Speaker
And she's also the daughter of Anne Boleyn and might have a bit of a grudge about her dad divorcing her mom and the entire Catholic Church. Catherine of Aragon. Sorry. Yeah. Catherine of Aragon, not Anne Boleyn.
00:09:52
Speaker
Thank you. So she won't do. Catherine of Aragon is elizabeth is ah Elizabeth's mother. So. Oh, Anne Boleyn. Jesus Christ. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. All right. So. No, it's one of those things that when you and you flip it around in your mind, that stays flipped. That's exactly what happened. ah So the Protestant advisors- Okay, so who is whose mother now? I'll let Jen take it.
00:10:12
Speaker
Catherine of Aragon is the mother of Mary Tudor, and Anne Boleyn is the
Northwest Passage and Deceptive Hopes
00:10:17
Speaker
mother of Elizabeth, later Elizabeth I. All right. Thank you, Jen, because it's mixed up in the script and I'm done. ah So because Mary's Catholic and Edward is being puppeteered by in influential Protestants, he names his cousin Jane Grey on his deathbed.
00:10:32
Speaker
Jane Grey is nowhere near the line of succession to the throne, and the Privy Council revolts, and she's kicked out before she's even coronated. Then Mary takes charge. Here, Mary earns the name Caesar because of her love of tomato juice with clams in it. well That's why.
00:10:49
Speaker
and the Bloody Mary. There you can see that's a it all makes yeah complicated Alberta joke. We like strange cocktails in this province. so Bloody Mary ah decides that Protestantism is done with and starts converting the Protestants into kindling.
00:11:05
Speaker
She marries the Prince of Spain and then also dies with no heir and all of it falls apart. And this leaves Elizabeth. So ah my primary source for this is Sir Humphrey Gilbert, Elizabeth's Privateer by Donald Chidsey. He takes a pretty balanced view as Elizabeth, which I like. It's not a particularly new book, which is that she's a brilliant woman, a master politician, extremely cheap, and kind of started losing her mind after she got sick in her early forty s So prior to taking the lead paint maybe on her face.
00:11:36
Speaker
Possibly. Lead-based makeup. Who knows? She genuinely was this. arsenic in her green dresses. Yes. Yeah. Well, and ah she got every disease at once.
00:11:49
Speaker
Yeah. Effectively. Smallpox and a bunch of other stuff. Barely survived. And then the Elizabeth with the lead face paint, the wigs, the no teeth, that elder monarch sort of emerged from that.
00:12:01
Speaker
And she was a much more unstable person than she was previously. And this will matter. So Elizabeth was a well-kept royal prior to taking the throne, but always one foot away from execution.
00:12:13
Speaker
So she learned a favorite political trick to avoid getting murdered, which is delay, delay, delay. Do not make decisions because if you don't make a decision, the moment will pass.
00:12:27
Speaker
Who are you going to marry? Do you really like your big sisters, the queen? Are you even a Catholic or a Protestant? Really? Who are you going to marry? Nothing. So right she studied this entire time and was a huge bookworm.
00:12:42
Speaker
And while she was studying, she was attended by a younger and enthusiastic page. And that's where we introduced Humphrey Gilbert. So Humphrey but Gilbert was born in... 1539 probably to an old stock landowning family in devon not like full nobility but gentry they were connected and when his father died his mother remarried a man named walter raleigh for a fardle manor no not
Colonial Ambitions and Challenges
00:13:07
Speaker
that walter raleigh no okay she then gave birth to a son walt jr who is that walter raleigh
00:13:15
Speaker
Oh, okay. Did yeah you say fartle manner? Yes. With a D. yeah um Unfortunately, that's the only time it's mentioned in the story, but you can think of it as fart manner forever.
00:13:29
Speaker
Yeah, that's what I heard was fart manner. yeah So, you know, I'm immature. We're all children here. up So that Walt Jr. and Humphrey become best friends. Humphrey is 14 years older, but they are close for their entire lives. And ah well, ga sorry but I don't think they were that close, even though I think their parents were all cousins, all cousins as half brothers. Typical.
00:13:56
Speaker
but So, ah of course, Walt Jr. would go on to be one of the most famous personalities of the of the Elizabethan age and a legendarily charismatic man. Humphrey was not that.
00:14:07
Speaker
He was a few other things. But Judy was connection to Elizabeth. He joined her court when she became queen. So Humphrey was a pretty good courtier. He knew how to kiss ass like nobody else.
00:14:19
Speaker
Which is an important skill. It's the only skill. Well, sort of. There's social climbing, which he wasn't good at. But he was a sycophant like none other. He knew how to bow, murmur flattery, make up poems to her beauty, whatever she wanted. And it's like Trump and the Republicans. Exactly. yeah Really, really kissing ass. Well, and here's the difference. And I think this is important to illustrate. is most people that you're dealing with in Trump land are scared or impressed or drawn to power. Yes. Or a little bit of all of them. Yes.
00:14:52
Speaker
Humphrey was none of these. He was loyal. He was loyal in a way that is so intense and unquestioning a dog would find it weird. Like even a golden retriever would be upset by this. Even a golden retriever would be like, can you tone it down a little bit, buddy? You're being a little too clingy.
00:15:09
Speaker
The queen was never wrong because she is the queen. Even if her decisions cause him unbearable anguish, spoiler, her decisions are always right. And he had perfect faith that she would make the right decision in the future.
00:15:26
Speaker
he was If she made a decision. If she made a decision. She would eventually learn to, but they always took a long time. And the decisions were tended to be conservative ones. Let's not take a risk. The big thing I want to emphasize is he was eternally optimistic and lawyer loyal.
00:15:41
Speaker
No matter what she did, he believed in her and believed that she had his back and would make a decision that was in line with what he wanted in the future. I have a feeling that that's not going to work out for him. There's a reason he's not famous. So yeah let's just say I've never heard of this guy. i he This is very fascinating to to learn about this because I know a bit about the tutors. yeah The tutors are interesting people. I've read about them. And so this never heard of him.
00:16:08
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Walter Raleigh's forgotten half-brother is he's quite something. So when he is a courtier but not a social climber, he doesn't have much to do aside from you know bow and flatter. So he gets more into books and discovers the esoteric art of geography.
00:16:26
Speaker
Now, i mean s i'm I'm not being ironic. Geography was esoterica even in the Age of Discovery. It was not understood. And it was mostly mysticism tied up in the ancient teachings of the Greeks, which was an orthodoxy people did not move from with lots of alchemy and magic mixed in and a smattering of early scientific ideas.
00:16:49
Speaker
What the Spanish and Portuguese were learning was also kept top secret. They didn't tell anybody anything. So nobody knew how far away anything was or even how the curve of the globe affected navigations.
00:17:01
Speaker
Hence the idea that you could get, you could sail the St. Lawrence all the way to China. Exactly that. Exactly that. And China is 10,000 kilometers from like ah from like Montreal where Carchei encountered the rapids.
00:17:16
Speaker
And he thought, if I go a little further, I'm going to hit China. It's exactly that kind of thinking, despite the fact the globe had already been circumnavigated at that point. So I actually forgot in my timeline. I thought I had it in there. It Ferdinand Magellan circumnavigating. Well, actually, no. Ferdinand Magellan failing to circumnavigate the globe
Preparations and Legacy in Exploration
00:17:36
Speaker
because his dumb ass got killed in the Philippines and his crew circumnavigating the globe. But the globe had been rounded at that point. So Humphrey began to really get into geography and become one of England's top experts in geography. And he started to dream of what he could do.
00:17:51
Speaker
And then he was sent to war. Now, kind of. Elizabeth hated war, really hated it. They were expensive. And Elizabeth was cheap, messy, grotesque, and unstable. She didn't like rocking the boat.
00:18:04
Speaker
She liked bribes, though. And so France was well into the wars of religion, which was a century of internal civil wars. And at that point, the Huguenots, who were Protestant French, were looking for English support against the various Catholic factions who wanted them dead.
00:18:20
Speaker
Elizabeth extorted a ton of money and then sent a modest group of men to covertly defend the city of Havre de Grasse. Grace? Havre de Grasse? should learned that pronunciation in advance.
00:18:33
Speaker
Havre de Grasse? Yes. up So my good. From capture. More Frenchy. Exactly. More Frenchy. We're going to get into a lot of Dutch place names. going to help me out. So. Yeah. who Exactly. So the English were not there to turn the tide.
00:18:46
Speaker
Elizabeth didn't want that. They were there to satisfy the demands of the bride. So a small company of men with Humphrey in the middle of them were sent to Hove.
00:18:58
Speaker
And ah immediately everybody in the city wanted them gone because the French and the English are mortal enemies. So it doesn't matter if there's Protestants involved. So what happens is the English kicked out the entire population of the city and then said, screw it. If we're here, we're defending it. And then started defending it from French attack, despite the fact they had exiled every living person in the city.
00:19:23
Speaker
Oh, my God. They just want ah the the houses and streets. They just wanted to prove a point. The people. I have my orders. Yes. By God, the queen gave me my orders. It's that kind of thinking.
00:19:35
Speaker
ah Okay. So there was a lot of fighting and Humphrey managed to take a wound and give a wound and and sort of, you know, become a man. And then everyone died of the plague, except Humphrey and a couple others. And so the garrison is wiped out by sudden onset of plague because although the bubonic plague was centuries past, it liked to show up now and again and... What sort of plague it was, we're not sure. But he survived and they surrendered.
00:20:02
Speaker
And being a gentleman, he was sent back to England where he was honored and noted as somebody who, you know, I think I have a soldier here. He survived the plague and all. Exactly. He's invincible. So- Yeah, that's pretty impressive. So Humphrey dove back into his beloved geography and became an armchair sailor.
00:20:20
Speaker
So he was not a man with a ship. He was not out to sea. And he's from Devon, by the way. Devon is the land of piracy and seafaring. It's in the southwest peninsula of England. And that is a seafaring people, but not Humphrey.
00:20:33
Speaker
He just read. And also he started to meet with masters of geography and learn the secrets that were being somewhat badly held by Spain and Portugal. He started to learn the real things.
00:20:44
Speaker
The problem is the English had absolutely no interest in the new world. The queen was content with her trade with the low countries being approximately the Netherlands and Belgium as they are today. And ah that was the basis of the English economy.
00:20:59
Speaker
And he joined a company called the Merchant Adventurers who were set who wanted to discover new trade routes to England, but they were obsessed with the Northeast passage. Oh, right. So they weren't focusing. Go ahead. Oh, the the Northeast passage, the one that goes over Russia, over Russia.
00:21:16
Speaker
Oh, my God. yeah So Humphrey figured out where his dreams would lay. And he knew that his dreams lay in chasing what Jack Cartier had been going for in Jon Cabot, the Northwest Passage. And this got fixed in his mind. And he set about begging his richer brother, Jon, to lend him money for an expedition. So the northern shores of Asia and the Americas were not mapped by anybody.
00:21:41
Speaker
There were people who lived there, but they weren't exactly sailing giant clipper ships through these waters. And so in trying to convince his brother, he wrote a treatise called A Discourse of a Discovery for a New Passage to Kitaya,
00:21:55
Speaker
or Cathay, which ah this is a English term at the time for what's effectively Northern China, ah Korea, that area. And Cathay is this, if we go if we go North, we're going to hit Cathay because that is the Northern most part of Asia they're aware of on the East.
00:22:13
Speaker
And Cathay or Kataya, one of the fun things about language at that time is everything. i had 50,000 different spellings and also different terms that were all sort of mixed in with one another.
00:22:25
Speaker
Yeah, didn't they just write everything phonetically? And trying to read some original sources was fun. I think I need a little bit more schooling for that. So he begged his brother for money with this treatise, this lovely 100-page document he wrote. Didn't work.
00:22:39
Speaker
He was sent to Ireland. So it's 1565. but So we're now going to talk about Ireland and the situation with the English, which is always positive at that point.
00:22:51
Speaker
So the British treated Ireland as kind of a lodestone. It's this huge island full of rocks and nooks and crannies and people who don't do not like them and Catholics even worse.
00:23:04
Speaker
And during the Age of Discovery, piracy was foundational to the economy because there were rich merchant ships everywhere and they're often vulnerable. And if you've got a bunch of soldiers, you can get very rich very quickly. And when you have this land that is not governed by a central government of any kind, you can take harbors for yourself and then use it to raid the English.
00:23:26
Speaker
So they do not want anybody else getting their mitts on it. Like with any any other kind of colonized, not colonized because Ireland wasn't colonized at that time, but occupied, pseudo-occupied land, all the different powers are playing games with it.
00:23:41
Speaker
And that's kind of important through all of this. Meanwhile, the Irish are in a state of mixed self-rule and with the British ruling an area called the Pale, as well as a couple of earldoms. The Pale is sort of south of Dublin. It's like this chunk of land with a Is that where Beyond the Pale comes from?
00:23:59
Speaker
Apparently not, even though it should. looked that up. Yeah, it sounds like it should. Yes. So the Irish populace were not happy and they were even less happy because Henry started a Henry VIII started a ah system of bringing in Irish ah nobility to his fealty by saying, if you give up your title, you'll get one from me. So give me your land and I'll give it you back. But you're one of mine now.
00:24:26
Speaker
And this is causing, yeah absolutely. So this causes problems. So Gilbert was sent because a rebellion had erupted led by the spectacular Shane O'Neill or Shan, Shane or Shan. We don't know. I'm going to go with Shane. A legendarily handsome stalwart and beefcake-y sort of man. He traveled to England and then was kept by Queen Elizabeth as a pet.
00:24:48
Speaker
She refused to let him leave without renouncing hereditary rights. So he was treated like a guest. There was no violence, but she wouldn't let him leave.
00:25:00
Speaker
Basically a hostage. Exactly. He picked up hostage. This big, sexy. ah And again, the word savage shows up everywhere. Definitely thought of the Irish as savages. Big, sexy savage. And he's mine. And he finally gives in, goes home, revokes his vow, and then takes up arms. Like that was coerced out of me. Fuck that lady in particular. We're taking our island back. Humphrey Gilbert was sent as a sort of junior officer under a colonel. I think he was a captain, captain below colonel, and he fucking hated Ireland.
00:25:34
Speaker
But he was dutiful and obeyed the queen no matter what. So dreaming of the Northwest Passage all the time, he commenced to butchery. They went there to kill a bunch of Irish, and his colonel was even killed by a stray bullet.
00:25:46
Speaker
This would have given Humphrey Gilbert an excellent opportunity for a promotion. And instead, he immediately went back to England and started begging the Queen to fund an expedition. He sent the treaties to the Queen, the ah the discourse, which is constantly updating. He doesn't stop playing with this thing for a decade. Sends it to the Queen and...
00:26:06
Speaker
No, she sent him back to Ireland. This time man just wants to sail. He just wants to sail. And the queen doesn't want to. but I understand that. i just want to that too. Exactly. um but for spoken day world Elizabeth did not want the Northwest Passage. She wanted dead Irishmen.
00:26:24
Speaker
So he obeyed because he's loyal. And this time he comes back as a colonel. As a sidebar, some of Humphrey's Devonian relatives are falling on hard times because the pirate industry is a little crowded and land ain't what it used to be.
00:26:39
Speaker
And so they're trying to think of a way to get money. So they hatch a plot. Why don't we just colonize Ireland? We have a shaky ancestral claim to Munster. So let's go there. The queen gets revenue. Everyone wins.
00:26:53
Speaker
They send up Everyone wins but the Irish. ah god even have yeah I even have that in parentheses here. Yeah. Everyone wins, but the Irish. There's no evidence of the Queen's decision.
00:27:04
Speaker
Back in Ireland, our poor, distractive, daydreaming hero found himself one of the most effective slaughterers of the Irish of all time. Oh, man, it's a hidden talent.
00:27:15
Speaker
yeah this quiet bookish flattery guy, his brutality towards the Irish is the stuff of legends. And it must be mentioned that he is fighting the occupants of a land that is torn apart by internal war without modern weaponry and without a central organized army.
00:27:34
Speaker
But there's a lot of them. Humphrey Gilbert was fearless. And I do not mean brave. I mean, without fear. And I do want to make that as as a distinction.
00:27:45
Speaker
There was no evidence he was ever scared of anything. Rather, he did what he thought he needed to do as effectively as he could. That's interesting. That is like, is that psychopathy?
00:27:58
Speaker
To have just literally no fear? Is that a mental or... It sounds like it should be. There's a thing. Like, isn't there, isn't that a diagnosable? like No, actually, no, there is. there is ah a Psychopathy isn't a lack of fear. Psychopaths can be very fearful and it often drives their behavior. But there are people who don't have fear. They're astonishingly rare, though.
00:28:19
Speaker
And again, I'm going from historical sources here, but his personality is so specific and so odd. It's worth musing about. interesting So here's some of the tales of his battles. At Nockfergus, a couple hundred men defeated over 4,000. He came away with dented armor and eight wounds on his somewhat famous giant black horse.
00:28:41
Speaker
So he is in the middle at the front, sword in hand, killing people. Really in with the men. yeah Yeah, exactly. He is not sitting back. He is leading charges.
00:28:53
Speaker
At Kilkenny, he personally charged 1,200 men and survived. Oh my God. At Killamock, he single-handedly held a ford. And again, he's charging 1,200 men with a tiny company to cut through. So he doesn't kill them all personally, but he charges right at them and gets through them to rejoin his army, to characterize that.
00:29:14
Speaker
At Killamock, he single-handedly held a Ford a again with 20 against one who were all mounted. He unhorsed and killed several and led his company away without a wound.
00:29:24
Speaker
Not only did he win, but he won against shockingly large companies. Humphrey was mythologized by the Irish. I'm going to go to my first quote here from Captain John Ward, Humphreys underling in this war.
00:29:36
Speaker
Where the Irish wondered so much, they made sundry songs and rhymes of him and his black kirtle horse, imagining himself to have been an enchanter that no man could hurt, riding a devil. Interesting. But you wonder if that myth then creates the reality, right? Oh, there's this, you know, devil on a black horse and he's unkillable. And so when he rides into your midst, you're like, ah, run away, you know? Oh, yeah, absolutely. so It's an interesting sort of self-fulfilling myth too.
00:30:03
Speaker
Clever propaganda? Yeah. He understands it and he uses it. I'll get to the yeah to where it gets. up the So Humphrey Gilbert is knighted for his fantastic success at killing so many Irishmen.
00:30:17
Speaker
And he pacified the lands and the rebellion was set down. And then his cousins landed to take over Munster. They believed they had some claim to it and that they would be heralded as heroes because dad's here. We can set up the thing. I'll be in charge now. I'm going to take all of your lands from you.
00:30:35
Speaker
And all of your money, you'll swear fealty to me and you'll be ruled by as as my subjects as I'll be the landowner here and you'll work the lands. Yay. Rather, the ah Devonians were met with, end quote, there was a gay killing. Oh. So the Irish not only killed a lot of them, but they enjoyed it. And the reprisal was a total crackdown on the population, including murdering civilians, women, and children.
00:31:01
Speaker
The population revolts back. Munster bursts into flames. Humphrey has to go back to work and then laid out the population for his now predictable brutality. He is made governor of Munster and Like sends a million letters saying, for the love of God, do not make me governor of Munster. I'm not worthy. Do not give me this job. So he gets the job. He gets the job.
00:31:23
Speaker
Humphrey manages to get back to England for what was probably a medical reason. And he begins dreaming of the Northwest Passage again. And this is after a period of time of governor of Munster. um Elizabeth liked to toy with people too, it seems like. Just from my sort of surface knowledge, she very much liked to be the one in control and you did things her way at her time. She toy with people, it seems. Maybe it's part of the indecision.
00:31:48
Speaker
it could just be that. The indecision is a method of control. Absolutely. well that's right And Elizabeth believed that the queen was the queen. She is in charge. You are advisors at most. My decision is final.
00:32:01
Speaker
And took that very, very seriously. but And she also was very rare with praise. And Humphrey got praise from her when he was recovering in England. So, of course, while he's talking about the Northwest Passage, back to Ireland. Yep. He then started complaining about going blind because because Ireland was so hard on his eyes and sent multiple letters back begging for a recall to save his poor eyes.
00:32:26
Speaker
Like, what is it? This country is so hideous to behold. air here is wrong. There's a miasma. Whatever. all It's too green. But you know what? Back then, that might have been legit, you know.
00:32:39
Speaker
Got too many of those humors, I don't know, green humors and yellow, yellow phlegm in his eyes, maybe from the Irish. The black bile, the yellow phlegm. Absolutely. well Who knows? Yeah. Could be anything, really.
00:32:50
Speaker
Yes. And so he's back in England and then is immediately cured for some reason. it's It's a miracle. Praise the Lord. And he even gets married. Unfortunately, we know almost nothing about his wife and Agur. And what we do know is that she was rich and probably very patient. Now, about this Northwest Passage, Humphrey gets sent back to Ireland.
00:33:10
Speaker
So Munster needs tending, and he starts using this time as governor because he is sitting down, just doing papers instead of murdering everybody. He meets a man named Martin Frobisher. Is that name familiar?
00:33:24
Speaker
yeah Yes. Yes. There we go. Another ah legend of Canadian history. Martin Frobisher was a gigantic, intimidating, and stupid man. But he was a master mariner, and he could talk shop with Humphrey.
00:33:39
Speaker
Frobisher was slow to convince, but slowly he catches on to that there is a route to Cathia, or China, and that's west. He gets that in his head.
00:33:50
Speaker
We'll park that. So we're going to come to the end of Humphrey's time in Ireland soon because he'll go back to become a member of parliament. But I wanted to tell a story about how he behaved when he was on campaign because it's it's something. First of all, he gave no quarter. So when he took a castle, he would show up, demand surrender in the name of the queen.
00:34:15
Speaker
If they refused, No matter what happened after, every single person in that castle was put to death. No matter how old or or young or who they were, everybody's put to death. Right. Right.
00:34:28
Speaker
He became so famous for this. 26 castles were fully abandoned before he even arrived at them because winds of his behavior blew through. Wow. I I guess it works. Here's something else that worked. I'm going to quote a poet. This isn't a poem. It's just a quote from one. As poets often were very good chroniclers. they had a way with words. Thomas Churchyard.
00:34:53
Speaker
His manner was that the heads of those of what sort soever they were, which were killed, be cut off from their bodies and brought to the place where he encamped at night. And there should be laid on the ground by each side of the way leading to his own tent. So none could come into his tent for any cause by commonly he must pass through a line of heads, which he used ad terrarium, the dead feeling know nothing more than the pains nearby.
00:35:20
Speaker
Jeez, Captain Kurtz over here. Yeah, no kidding. And a quote describing this ah from the book, a separate quote from his captain, my mistake. And yet it did bring greater terror to the people when they saw the heads of their dead fathers, brothers, children, kinsfolk and friends lie on the ground before their faces as they came to speak with the said colonel.
00:35:42
Speaker
Man, it's pretty unimaginable. I mean, it's not because, i mean, in Israel and Palestine, it but that is shocking because, you know, we know war is brutal, but that did not know about this.
00:35:57
Speaker
I thought Humphrey was going to turn out to be a wiener. Yeah, same. Right? He's a wiener with a sadistic streak, I guess, or yeah a lack of emotion. Yeah.
00:36:09
Speaker
I think lack of emotion is probably, and one of the things here is Humphrey was very emotional, but in this manner, when he is doing his duty to the queen, and this is where I talk about that loyalty.
00:36:22
Speaker
He did, in his mind, the most effective thing possible. There was no other way he could think of to do this work because this would get the job done. And that's how he operated. And ah the Elizabeth's private here goes to great lengths to talk about this, where it's not, although it's obviously a form of, it's it's terror and intimidation and ghoulish. He is simply doing what makes sense.
00:36:48
Speaker
And it's colonialism, right? Which is always ghoulish. Yes. And the thing here is he still goes farther than anybody else in his age, right? Right. Stories about him exist because he was exceptional in how brutal he was.
00:37:04
Speaker
So yes, war in the 16th century was brutal. And the attitudes toward the Irish, indigenous people, anybody who's not we were ah genuinely horrific and they were not treated as humans.
00:37:16
Speaker
it still is beyond the pale. So yeah to go back to that turn of phrase. So let's go to happier times, but that's what we want to keep in mind about Humphrey as we tell the rest of his story, because he's an odd, somewhat sympathetic figure otherwise, but he kind of loses sympathy with the pyramid of skulls bit.
00:37:36
Speaker
So yeah. Yeah. Humphrey finally found himself back in England to serve as a member of parliament. And there he set about to having a family and becoming a politician.
00:37:47
Speaker
He, of course, mindlessly backed the queen in whatever she wished. He also tried to dabble in whatever he could and was assigned to different things. He tried to kickstart the English longbow industry again, which is somewhat trying to give carriages a real go in 1910.
00:38:03
Speaker
and And he also decided to dabble in some light magic. He invested, as one does, he invested heavily. it' He invested into into an alchemy startup. It's like ah the Bitcoin of the time.
00:38:15
Speaker
Exactly. um With the promise of turning iron into much rarer copper with the power of vitriol, which is not um being mean. It's sulfuric acid. Unfortunately, he fell out with the alchemist named Thomas Meadly, lost his money, and it never worked anyways.
00:38:31
Speaker
But yeah, he continued to ah plot his grand voyage. The plan became clearer and clearer rather than just sail for the Northwest Passage, which was unbelievably dangerous.
00:38:44
Speaker
hearts Create a colony on the East Coast and use that as a basis to explore the passage, which is also unbelievably dangerous at that time. Yes. He had a plan.
00:38:55
Speaker
He had some money from his wife and he had a queen who clearly liked him. And it was time for the queen to send him to the Netherlands. Exactly where he wants to go.
00:39:06
Speaker
So like the right direction and everything. Yes. Elizabeth hates wars, as I've established, but loves opportunities in one presented itself. The king of Spain and the ex-husband of Bloody Mary was busy controlling most of the planet, and part of that was the Low Countries, which he inherited through the usual pan-European ritual of inbreeding.
00:39:29
Speaker
Yep. The Spanish Netherlands comprised most of modern Belgium and then a lot of the southern Netherlands and a bit of northern France. England and France, those most mortal of enemies, were starting to realize they had a common rival because Spain was unbelievably rich. Those silver mines were cashing in like nothing else. So, uneasily, a plot is hatched.
00:39:52
Speaker
The plan is that England and France, and if we can get them, a smattering of the different Germanic kingdoms, would team up, free the Netherlands, and split it up. This would shift the balance away from Europe, healed old wounds between England and France, and keep, and in Elizabeth's mind, keep France from getting too much of the pie, because France was definitely making eyes at the Spanish Netherlands. The alliance failed immediately. The german the Germans were never never involved. And despite the fact it failed, they signed a treaty and pushed on trying to make it work.
00:40:24
Speaker
And an opportunity landed. This city is what the English call Flushing, and the Dutch call Vlissingen. Vlissingen. Yeah, you're right. Vlissingen. Nailed it. oh Vlissingen wanted out from Spain and its governor said, hey, send some soldiers here and if we can hold it, eventually the Spanish will stop trying to take it over and it's yours.
00:40:47
Speaker
as Elizabeth really wanted a lovely little seaport for herself. Calais was an English holding, but was lost to the French in the 1650s or so. 1550s. And Elizabeth losing her lovely little seaport was a major blow. She was Queen of France, technically, and on paper.
00:41:05
Speaker
The French just didn't really care. So she hatched another plot, another underhanded war. This time Humphrey Gilbert's in charge. He was to gather some men and publicly go rogue, become private like a privateer, technically a later invention, but who cares? Effectively like a pirate to seek personal fortune without the ah without the blessing of the queen. He is a solo capitalist looking to do his own thing.
00:41:35
Speaker
it full And also not a capitalist, later invention, you get the point. But same idea. Yes. And the queen would publicly disavow him as a rogue adventurer. This way, the Spanish, who had a strong, good, long history with England as best of friends. They had a major ambassador in England named Mendoza. And shouting Mendoza. Mendoza!
00:41:57
Speaker
I'm sorry. No, no. I was waiting for that. brain is poisoned. It's going to come back a few times. um Okay, i won't do it anymore. No, no, no, no, that's fine. No, we've got to keep doing it. I demand a Mendoza drop every time, Jen. So the idea was go and free the city from Spain without starting a war with Spain.
00:42:18
Speaker
Spain is not fooled for a second. Yeah. But because Mendoza was a spy master. Mendoza. Thank you. ah But anyways, Humphrey had a job. Go to Flushing.
00:42:29
Speaker
The French had the same plan at the same time. And Humphrey arrived to find a bunch of Huguenots already in Flushing. His soldiers were violent criminal louts. And so were the Huguenots.
00:42:40
Speaker
Nobody liked each other. And so it was decided they should garrison the city and then form an army with the other half and get them out of the city because bored soldiers who hate each other is a recipe for disaster. And then go out on campaign.
00:42:54
Speaker
So this mixed army of Walloonians, English and French, take the field. Walloon. Sorry. it's It's a funny name. I know. What a Walloon. Yeah.
00:43:07
Speaker
I'm not mocking, though. ah Just the word isn't and amusing me. Oh, what are they going to do about it? Eat it, Walloonians. Come after me, Walloonians. Yes. it went terrible. Terribly.
00:43:19
Speaker
Humphrey and the Dutch commander, Zaretz. T-Z-A-A-R-E-T-S. Yeah, it's Zaretz's own, maybe? Zaretz, yeah. Maybe is an abbreviation, but I'm not sure. It's the only way I have it written. Either way, they hated each other and fought constantly. They do not stop quarreling.
00:43:38
Speaker
So they go for Bruges. Fucking Bruges. Yeah, absolutely. I love that movie. And for your sake, Tracy, and for our listeners, they are currently in Zeeland, which are these little sort of island peninsula things in the southwest of what's now the Netherlands.
00:43:55
Speaker
Okay. So they're at the southern edge there, sort of north of the northern shore of Belgium. That's kind of where we are in the geography. Gotcha. Bruges is just sort of south. They fail to take Bruges, and Humphrey makes a terrible error near the city of Turgos or Huz in the field due to not scouting the terrain.
00:44:12
Speaker
The Spanish were professionals. They were reinforced, and they were resupplied. Worse yet, when he gets back from this failure to take Bruges and this failure to ah defeat a Spanish army that he had an opportunity to do so and messed up, they won't let him back in the city because they were furious at these failures.
00:44:31
Speaker
It's pretty big geography fail. The map is not the terrain. Like it's a pretty big. He didn't scout the terrain in advance. yeah His excuse was they didn't know the terrain. And then like, well, why didn't indeed you do your job?
00:44:43
Speaker
So yeah while trying to figure things out, they capture a village while they're humiliated and the Spanish attack. And this time Humphrey knows what to do, because if you're in a open field battle with Humphrey Gilbert, you're He'll turn into the butcher of Ireland and they defeat the and they they defeat the Spaniards there.
00:45:00
Speaker
They get back in the city having proven that they, okay, they can do something. And then find out that the French and the residents of Flushing are p plotting together to kick the English out because none of them like the English.
00:45:11
Speaker
And Humphrey, who's been personally disavowed by the Queen as a public show because he's privately doing her work, refuses to respond to any of his requests for orders.
00:45:22
Speaker
So he has no idea what to do. So he gets the army together and decides we're going to attack Turgos again. They almost succeed. They breach the walls. And then suddenly this miracle Spanish general shows up after a magic forced march and completely routes the armies.
00:45:38
Speaker
Oh, wow. Just like Game of Thrones. Exactly. Except the ending for this is better. Swoop in to save the day. Yeah. They go back to Flushing to nurse their wounds. They're defeated and humiliated. And then St. Bartholomew's Day massacre kicks off.
00:45:54
Speaker
And in France, they just start butchering the Protestants. The Huguenots are being massacred across the country. And this destroys any hope of any cooperation between the English and French. because there was the Protestant Catholic thing. The entire thing is called off.
00:46:08
Speaker
Humphrey returns to England, but since he was an individual privateer, I'm sure it's fine. He returns to court and then is immediately told to fuck off. And he needs to go to the homes of every court here in London and beg publicly that they intercede with Elizabeth to forgive him because she needs to make a show that Humphrey went off without her permission.
00:46:29
Speaker
Probably a fun show for her, eh? little bit, you Absolutely. Feeding the ego. and here's the thing. Same time. Mendoza was not fooled at all. He knew every single piece of this plan. Mendoza? Nothing got by him. yeah He's got wits about him.
00:46:47
Speaker
But Humphrey is an optimist. So back to the Northwest Passage. he settles but He settles back into being a member of parliament and courtier. And he, again, is trying to talk to the merchant adventurers about this who do not care and want to go over Russia, despite an expedition recently freezing to death. Humphrey starts just trying to make up whatever he can to get out on a boat. And he proposes a South American colony to the queen.
00:47:12
Speaker
After all, the Pope said that Spain gets all of that land. And that's just the Pope who cares about him. and we're English now. and Well, we've always been English, but you get the point. And the Spanish did not even know what all of that land looked like. They can take a slice.
00:47:28
Speaker
want To be fair, they're cutting it all up without why not asking for permission, I guess. The English can just step right in. Yep. And ah so we petitioned the queen and she says,
00:47:40
Speaker
no Which is fine. It's fine. The queen is always right. It's fine. So during all of this time, while it out whenever Humphrey's back in England just kind of living his life, I do want to talk into scholarship a little bit because he was really good at it.
00:47:56
Speaker
As a merchant adventurer, he actually contributed to navigational technology and invented things using advanced concepts like understanding how longitudinal lines... get closer the further you are to the North pole or the South pole. yeah This was not understood by sailors. Oh, right. And because their method of measuring was I had West, I know I'm heading West. And then I use my instruments to determine how far West I've gone and measure my longitude accordingly.
00:48:24
Speaker
The problem is that if you're further north or further south, the lines are closer and further apart. He creates instruments to help measure this kind of thing. And he also builds it himself with dreaming up a way to better educate England's youth and came up with university concepts centuries ahead of his time.
00:48:41
Speaker
wow This includes the first person to propose in English the notion of combining surgery with medicine because surgery was done in barbershops at that point. And Humphrey thought that was a good way to get sick.
00:48:54
Speaker
which it was sure was he also proposed the creation of a national library which would contain a new copy of every book published this okay i should know this guy yeah this presage is the uh library of congress and the uh museum of england library whatever it's called the big one british library british library yeah there we go yeah and also he's the first one that i'm aware of to propose the concept that scholars should publicly publish the research that's right As a part of being a scholar. Well, it's little bit before, yeah. But importantly, at a place of education, part of your job is you have to publish as you research rather than keep it to yourself. That's new.
00:49:34
Speaker
And that's how universities all operate nowadays. so Really? This guy? That's fascinating. And he's not necessarily, and again, I always, it's very difficult to say if somebody was the first one to say something. Yeah. He's the one who wrote it down and proposed it to the Queen.
00:49:50
Speaker
And it shows up centuries later. So this is, again, um he's an odd man. ah Yes. And then when he's doing all of this, his discourse gets published.
00:50:02
Speaker
It was always a private document that he sent to friends, family, and anyone he wanted money from to go to the Northwest Passage. There is a man named ah George Gascon, a deranged and controversial poet worthy of his own episode. He was a pal of Humphreys and decided to publish the discourse without Humphreys' knowledge or but or permission. It's a sensation. right It's passed wildly around England and ignites the dreams of the Northwest Passage. This is where the concept...
00:50:31
Speaker
Really, because it was mostly just an obscure thing that sailors and merchant adventurers and the type thought about was, let's get let's get to the spices over the north rather than going through the south or going to the northeast.
00:50:47
Speaker
The Northwest Passage is dream of the English starts here. This is specifically because of Humphrey Gilbert. Really? Yes. Wow. And so when we think of how many people died. Yes.
00:51:01
Speaker
Because the Northwest Passage is only now passable today because of global warming. Yeah. Yes. Right. And I think it's going to be a fun problem for Canada in the future. Yeah, I just think i was ye all those... dozens of doomed expeditions? Right. That ended so horribly. Yeah. Just like, yeah, we'll give it a shot. That's amazing to me too, just as a side. people would That's terrifying.
00:51:25
Speaker
Like the idea of, say, going into space is terrifying. That's... At that time was sort of equivalent, right? you're just going to sail and sail and try and find this place. Who knows? is going to be frozen as hell. Like, just the idea of that, you're probably not going to see your family again. Like...
00:51:41
Speaker
Brave or stupid, I don't know. Just forced by necessity, right? It was very much an Elizabethan thing to be the brave person throwing yourself into insane danger. it was kind of a part of the culture. And it's something the Elizabeth's private here goes...
00:51:57
Speaker
Yeah, and it's but the notion that ah for Queen and Country, I'm going to do something impossibly risky, and we're and I'm going to outdo you in how risky it's going to be, is a part of the machismo of the, particularly the characters like Walter Raleigh or Sir Francis Drake or that kind of thing, right? And the tight hose. And the tight hose, right?
00:52:19
Speaker
Absolutely. Sexy legs on those fellas. Yes. Check out their gams. Getaway sticks. Sir Walter's gams.
00:52:29
Speaker
I forgot about getaway sticks. All right. you guys you know I love that. Getaway sticks. So the Discourse is a 100-page book written entirely in Elizabethan English without an easy translation, I found. So I looked at parts of it.
00:52:46
Speaker
And there's one part that's highlighted that I want to share with you. It's wonderful. Chapter 8 of this, and it's a 10-chapter book, or disco a treatise, it's not a book, recounts an argument that Humphrey Gilbert thinks he's won.
00:53:00
Speaker
So with a merchant adventurer named Anthony Jenkinson, and Anthony Jenkinson is the loudest proponent of the Northeast Passage going over Russia. Because he wouldn't have to go himself? Oh, I'm sure he wanted to go himself. I think they all did.
00:53:14
Speaker
Yeah, probably. But it's about getting the money for a proper voyage to go through these unbelievably dangerous waters and maybe throw away, you know, 100 ton ships. So getting these voyages together is a thing. So Jenkinson argues for Northeast Passage and the back and forth goes like this. He heard a Tartar tartar say he had sailed very far to the southeast, finding no end of the sea.
00:53:40
Speaker
He considers this evidence that obviously the sea goes on all the way to all the way to ah China. Gilbert responds, the Tartars are morons and don't know anything about navigation. Jenkinson then responds to say, well, I heard that one of them found a unicorn horn.
00:53:57
Speaker
And as we know, a unicorn horn. Okay. It's all just rumors with these guys. This one guy told me he saw a unicorn other guy said that he saw a dragon once.
00:54:08
Speaker
And also there's mermaids. But yeah, one guy told me you got to take this more seriously, Jen. Unicorns are not indigenous to Russia. Everybody knows this. Oh, well, but and even so because I'm wrong.
00:54:23
Speaker
How did a unicorn horn show up on the northern coast of Russia? Clearly, it must have arrived through the tides from far off lands, meaning the ocean will continue all the way around and you could sail it to China. Which we know there's unicorns there.
00:54:39
Speaker
Yes. And Humphrey Gilbert triumphantly responded by saying, Tartars wouldn't know a real unicorn horn if it bit them in the ass. And anyways, horns can't swim.
00:54:49
Speaker
Swim spelled S-W-I-M-M-E, which makes it funnier. yeah These guys are so smart. Like, it's amazing that nobody wanted to give him money for this voyage. He sounds like he's got together, you know, got some facts, evidence backing him up. Sounds like he's, you know, got a good idea going on. i don't know.
00:55:09
Speaker
So as we know, unicorns are not indigenous to Russia. Humphrey Gilbert triumphantly responded by saying the Tartars wouldn't know a real unicorn horn if it bit them in the ass. And anyways, horns can't swim.
00:55:23
Speaker
Spelled S-W-I-M-M-E. like He's got him on that. They can't, I assume. But I love this guy's smugness. I know that unicorns aren't indigenous to Russia, you fools.
00:55:38
Speaker
I'm surprised they didn't want to give him money for an expedition. This guy seems long ago. And yeah, these are both people who are trying to get unbelievable amounts of money from the Queen and anybody else yeah in order to fund expeditions.
00:55:51
Speaker
Jenkinson concedes. The horn can't swim is a valid argument, and therefore i concede to you, good sir. You win. Humphrey wrote this in his discourse in the same way that you would post a YouTube video of you owning somebody in an argument. Mm-hmm.
00:56:08
Speaker
That like... This fool... I love the unicorn horn bit. So the popularity of the discourse started to change the national character about this. And the Northwest Passage became something everybody knew.
00:56:25
Speaker
Furthermore, Walter Raleigh was now at court. He had grown up enough because he's 14 years younger. And the Queen loves Walter Raleigh. She was also starting to go a little bit batty because she's in her forties now and it's past getting really sick and things are starting to look up.
00:56:43
Speaker
So the queen starts considering the concept of a Northwest passage and goes, yes. Yes. And so Martin Frobisher sails for the Northwest Passage while Humphrey Gilbert waves from the shore.
00:56:56
Speaker
oh no. Just loves, she likes twisting the knife, I think. I don't want be misogynist or blame her, but she's twisting the knife a little bit, right? Oh yeah. Or she just likes Gilbert better, wants him by her side, a little pet. Her reasons become a little bit more apparent later on, but and also Martin Frobisher used different channels to get approved and I think his method worked better.
00:57:20
Speaker
So I'll briefly summarize Martin Frobisher's journeys to the Northwest Territories, or Inuvik now. So his voyage was tiny. Three properly terrible ships in contemptible condition that land at Labrador and Baffin Island. At Baffin Island, he met the Inuit, traded with them, and then kidnapped one according to local English customs.
00:57:43
Speaker
Oh, just take him home. It's fine. Well, and yeah, he lost some mutinous crew. It was, again, a very difficult, almost disastrous voyage and grabbed some random stuff that looked curious to him, including some mysterious black rocks.
00:57:59
Speaker
While his kidnapping victim died of illness and he also had no Northwest Passage to brag of, Frobisher, you know, he might've been banished into obscurity if an alchemist didn't produce a bit of gold dust from the black rocks.
00:58:11
Speaker
So do we know what the black rocks were? I think that they were just simply iron ore. um with There was iron pyrite in there, or fool's gold.
00:58:22
Speaker
And the alchemist said this is fool's gold, but he said, I got some real gold from it. And he was apparently up a somewhat sketchy Italian. Oh no. He pulled the real but the real gold, yeah, oh yeah. He just sprinkles some into his little potion out of his pocket. Oh yeah, this is yo yeah this came out of the rocks, yeah.
00:58:40
Speaker
So the great Baffin Island. Yes. ah It actually worked. So the great Baffin Island gold rush kicks off and Frobisher became the most beloved man in England. He had a sanctioned voyage of 15 ships, two from the queen herself.
00:58:57
Speaker
And ah so they went off, milled around a bunch, and then Frobisher got shot in the ass with an arrow when he tried to kidnap another man. Oh, that's good. Well, that's fine. Yeah.
00:59:07
Speaker
Oh, well. Acceptable. So they did bring back lots of these black rocks, no Northwest Passage. And then they go for a third voyage to found a colony, much to Humphrey's delight. And the voyage just doesn't work out because the weather is so bad.
00:59:23
Speaker
And it also becomes clear there's no gold in these black rocks. They're worthless. The Italian alchemist is probably a fraud a fraudster. And Frobisher is discredited. And so once more was Humphrey. But he never gave up.
00:59:36
Speaker
His belief in the queen was absolute and he knew she'd support him. So his colony idea continued to fester in his mind and he started planning it. He built unbelievable volumes about Humphrey Gilbert's Commonwealth, planning the details of this future society, how it would operate, every social rule, custom, ah how the queen's law would come to the land.
00:59:59
Speaker
Everything was plotted down to minute detail. And as he's getting more and more excited about this, because again, He is never dissuaded. He is always optimistic. And he knows the queen.
01:00:10
Speaker
And he proposes something that he thinks she'll take. He writes a treatise, and it's a new one, called How Her Majesty May Annoy the King of Spain. ah Really? That is the actual title. That's okay. He picked the right title for that one. He's, he's learning. It seems like be a little bit sneaky, but this guy, he's like, uh, they're like the Elon Musk's of their time. Like, it's always like, we've got to go to Mars. to go to Mars. Okay. We we've done, we've exploited this place enough.
01:00:39
Speaker
Right. Nothing left in England to exploit. Let's say go over here and exploit this place now. And we'll build a fantastic utopian community there under one authoritarian leader.
01:00:50
Speaker
Right. And what's happening what's happening during all of this is some of them succeed. Right. So people see Christopher Columbus, the Mark Zuckerberg of Columbia, ah so the Mark Zuckerberg of Spain, Mark Zuckerberg of Columbia, Jesus, go off, and then suddenly the Spanish have silver mines in Mexico and are making goblows of money.
01:01:10
Speaker
Sir Francis Drake circumcises the world with a 100-foot clipper, Circumcasses the world. And that's a very old internet meme. Late 90s internet meme. It also is the most notorious pirate possibly ever. He robs everybody while us while on his journey. He comes back with a million angry Spaniards behind him and ships groaning with treasure, right?
01:01:37
Speaker
So yeah, it's very, very Silicon Valley. It's gold rush mentality, right? so And there's always people trying to get their stuff in. So here's Humphrey's proposal to the Queen.
01:01:48
Speaker
Let's start publicly make a show of founding a colony in East Coast of the Americas. But the colony has a sneaky purpose and is a bit of a distraction because it's a cover for piracy. What it's going to be used as is a base of operations to intercept and destroy the Spanish fishing fleet and then eventually build to the point that they are intercepting the southern Spanish ships working out of the Caribbean. All this while, they are redirecting their attention to the Dutch because all the booty gets sold to the Dutch rather than English people. So that the Dutch are left sort of holding the bag for all this piracy. Meanwhile, they're just happily founding a colony. This proposal, like much else of Humphrey's ideas, was way ahead of its time. And it influenced future English policy greatly, or at least the concepts.
01:02:33
Speaker
The Queen liked this. She was getting a little spicy as she aged. And she granted Humphrey Gilbert a charter. This is the first colonial charter in the history of the British Empire. oh It's probably written by Gilbert himself.
01:02:46
Speaker
And all that followed started from this model. So this is, again, the first peg in the largest empire in human history. That's right. And of course, as the largest, one of the most brutal. So ye the plan is immediately complicated.
01:03:04
Speaker
Mendoza mendozadoza okay ah is the source of most of the documentation that follows because he he kept excellent records that serve as good history. He was wise to Humphrey's plots and immediately objected and started filing lawsuits and stirring shit up.
01:03:19
Speaker
h Humphrey gets a second in command, a man named Nullis, who hates Humphreys, hates him, and is mutinous from the start. They fight, disagree, and whenever Humphrey's out of sight, Nullis tries to take over his fleet, which is supposed to be 11 ships. This is a big deal.
01:03:36
Speaker
And it gets to the point where he almost executes one of Humphrey's captains, and when Humphrey confronts him, Nullis deserts and steals four of the ships to go off pirating. Yeah. I guess if you're bunch of pirates, like, you know. Pirates will see, and this will come back. If there is a ship they can steal, pirates are like beavers who hear running water. They have to act. If a pirate sees a ship they can steal, they will. They are helpless before their impulses.
01:04:04
Speaker
Yeah, I can't resist. What happens next is weird. It's unclear if the proposal that Humphrey outlined to the queen was the plan. It could have been a double or triple bluff.
01:04:15
Speaker
And we know this because Mendoza, who knows everything. Mendoza! Thank you. um He's trying to figure out what the fuck Humphrey is doing. So publicly is supposed to sail his flagship, the Anagar.
01:04:29
Speaker
By the way, Humphrey's motto is in Latin, why not? but Do you know what that is in Latin? like what the ah You know what? It's certainly in the book, but i I'll get back to that. Highway Otne? Sorry. And Walter Raleigh is going to accompany him on a ship of his own.
01:04:46
Speaker
First time Walter Raleigh gets to go to sea. So the fleet leaves and then they come back missing a ship. Nobody knows what happened. It just vanished? Well, I'll put it this way. There is no history that describes what happened. It was taken over by unicorns.
01:05:02
Speaker
perfect That makes sense, you know. I mean, they are upset about these racist myths about unicorn horns, which are actually hollow in the center and do float. And the unicorns, in fact, swim lovingly across the northern coast of Russia all the time. And they're perfect for attacking ships.
01:05:21
Speaker
That's right. The horns do swim. So there's a lot of... us So there's talk, and I think there's talk of a sea battle with the Spanish, but the Spanish don't mention one, and Mendoza. Mendoza! Mendoza!
01:05:35
Speaker
would obviously make a huge deal if they just attacked a bunch of Spanish ships. So nobody knows what happened nowadays. The best guess is that they milled about, got into bad weather and went home minus a ship.
01:05:47
Speaker
But something did they just sang, something stupid happened. We don't know. And there's a lot of speculation that there was some grander conspiracy hidden behind Humphrey Gilbert's treatise, but we don't know. Everyone likes to think it's a conspiracy. It probably was just, again, something mundane. Yeah, the ship just sank. Whoops.
01:06:06
Speaker
Ship sank. I'm very much an Occam's Razor sort of person with this thing. So the Spanish, of course, know exactly how to get Humphrey off their tits because they're annoyed by this guy. And so Mendoza...
01:06:18
Speaker
Mendoza! Starts an underhanded war. And when Humphrey sets back, optimistic as always, it's all right, going to do it again, going to do it proper this time, he gets sent to Ireland. Oh.
01:06:30
Speaker
Back to Ireland. That must be poor Irish, you know. Right. Oh, God. No, they genuinely don't. ah It's... No, the... the but Learning what was going on in the 16th century with Ireland is just insane. So and what happened is you know, the Spanish kicked off a ah new rebellion in Ireland by funding the right people.
01:06:53
Speaker
This is very much a world power playing with a colonized nation. And ah what happens is Humphrey, who is now more of an elder statesman, sends Walter Raleigh and other people and then manages things from home and avoids going to Ireland.
01:07:08
Speaker
Walter Raleigh, of course, because he's better at everything than anyone, succeeds magnificently, always looking up to his older brother. I i need to stress this. He adores Humphrey.
01:07:20
Speaker
And not only does Walter put down the rebellion with, I would say, probably a lot of brutality, but not Humphrey Gilbert levels. He manages to get a giant land grant in Ireland, which he successfully sets up. So he even sets sets up a successful English colony on Ireland, which never really worked out in Munster.
01:07:38
Speaker
so right And so during all of this, Drake has circumnavigated the globe. I've already talked on that. And Humphrey is trying to figure out what to do with himself. He has a charter and it lasts for six years.
01:07:51
Speaker
For six years, he gets whatever the hell is behind the coast of Newfoundland. right Just to clarify, yeah, charter is like you have the rights to this land. It is yours. Yeah. and some purposes Although revenues to the crown kind of thing. That's exactly it There's rules about what Queen Elizabeth gets. and it's an and And it's a document that structures his legal right to own this land and for Queen Elizabeth to be the queen and get her revenue from it.
01:08:16
Speaker
Sure. So this is his the most important thing in the world to him. But funding the failed plan to annoy the king bankrupted him. So he decides to find, and so but he's got hustle, and he knows how to be a little more political. The first thing he does is start selling parts of his land that he doesn't have yet. Oh, brilliant. So ah I'm going to get... working You know, I've got all this land behind the coast of Newfoundland. We don't know how far it goes or what's there, but it's mine.
01:08:47
Speaker
So you can have some start selling that. And he again continues to plan his colony, Sir Humphrey Gilbert's Commonwealth. and The operation of an entire society is set up in advance. And then another idea hits, which is where anti-Catholic sentiment had started really kicking up more and more in England. And someone, perhaps Humphrey, suggested, why don't you send the Catholics to Newfoundland? The Queen kind of liked it.
01:09:13
Speaker
And Mendoza lost his fucking mind. Mendoza! There you go. persecution of Catholics in England was actually politically useful for him. Right. But the queen looked in and said, no you know, Humphrey, you're a really shitty sailor.
01:09:30
Speaker
Oh, and she doesn't want him dying in some cockle shell across the Atlantic. And she liked him. She wanted him at home. And she saw these expeditions as a way to get people killed, which was true.
01:09:42
Speaker
Yeah, i like she's not wrong. Really not. um So he protested. She's pretty reasonable, honestly, in all this. Doesn't like war, you know? Let's just keep it peaceful. She is, again, she gets... Not maybe colonized. Elizabeth, as is a very impressive political figure.
01:10:00
Speaker
Her ability to... and Like, she got England out of insane financial troubles by simply never paying back debts and taking money from everyone she could find ever. Oh, wow.
01:10:12
Speaker
because she inherited a ah basically bankrupt kingdom which is one of the reasons she so cheap but while she says no humphrey keeps working and one thing he finds is some wealthy catholics want the hell out of england this colony is exciting to them and so they start funding this and even the merchant adventurers start turning the r west he founds his own adventuring company and he starts building something that is a lot more stable and funded than him just personally begging the queen to give him a lot of money or his brother.
01:10:43
Speaker
But she really didn't want to. She liked him. He's a bad sailor. And although Humphrey could send the expedition to stay at home, that's entirely contrary to his dream. He wants to govern this colony. Again, despite these colonies failing,
01:10:58
Speaker
He wants to be the governor because he knows it'll work because he planned it. And he's so excited by his idea. They always think they they will be the one they'll get it right. when they Of course they do. Like the Vikings did not stick around.
01:11:12
Speaker
they You know, so these guys, but you know, eventually they do. Obviously it works. Yeah. But early on. Yeah. Not at all. So Walter Raleigh, however, is in court and he starts working the queen.
01:11:25
Speaker
And ah she keeps saying no. And Humphrey persists and starts developing more and more and more. He develops his own system of semaphore. He develops a lantern system so that ships can signal each other in the fog, which is notorious.
01:11:39
Speaker
Instructions for ships captains are written. A code of conduct is written and distributed for the crew he's going to get. And he's also very concerned about being able to impress the residents of the new world and decides to delight them.
01:11:50
Speaker
And the word savage is going to show up a lot here. So bear with, but this quote is, needs to be read. To impress our people and to the allurement of savages, we are provided with music and good variety, not omitting the least toys, such as Morris dancers, hobby horses, and May-like conceits to delight the savage people.
01:12:13
Speaker
Just like the chasiest shit. Sorry. Morris dancers. Everyone loves those. Morris dancers. Who we intend to win this by all fair means possible. And to that end, we were indefffinitely we were indifferently furnished with all petty haberdashery wares to barter with those simple people.
01:12:35
Speaker
Yeah, just chuck him some beads. That is what it is. when He was even some ribbon. That's not even beads. It's more of stax. I'd be so impressed. Oh yeah, that's right. It isn't even goods necessarily. And also hobby horses.
Raleigh's Support and Expedition Setbacks
01:12:48
Speaker
I know. like that's i didn't they were that old also, but it is funny. Like, oh, they're a horse on a stick? He also... Not just a tasty treat.
01:12:59
Speaker
He also enlisted a poet to go on the expedition. Ah. Gotta to have a pet poet. And then he started assembling a crew. Poets meant something, you know. As again, he had the money. He had the will of the people. He has ah he has a crew. He has, a Walter Raleigh has donated his own ship called the Bark Raleigh.
01:13:19
Speaker
Oh. It's a weird name. um And everything is in place. And then he gets a letter. To my brother, Sir Humphrey Gilbert Knight. Brother, i have sent you a token from her majesty, an anchor guided by a lady, you see, and charter. Her highness willed me to send you word that she wished you a great good happen safety to your ship.
01:13:40
Speaker
as if herself were there in person, desiring you to have care for yourself, as of that which she tendereth, and therefore for her sake you must provide for it accordingly.
01:13:51
Speaker
Further, she commands that you leave your picture with me. For the rest I leave till our meeting, or to the report of this bearer, who would needs be the messenger of this good news. So I commit you to the will and protection of God, who send us such life or death, as she shall please or hath appointed." Your true brother, Walter Raleigh.
01:14:10
Speaker
The queen said yes. Yay! He gets to sail. I mean... The voyage... Yeah. The voyage receives your... Right? Mixed opinions about this guy. he yeah he's ah He's the hero of our story, but also fantastically... God, this guy's a character. So...
01:14:31
Speaker
yeah He's the most excited little boy in human history. He's going to found the first English colony and be famous forever. Walter has to stay home with the queen because she loves him.
01:14:41
Speaker
But Bark Raleigh gets to set her on the voyage, which is a magnificent ship. So for this voyage, we have two major sources, which are primarily from the poet and from one of his captains, a man named Hayes. His great journey sets out on the 11th of June, 1583 from Cossett Bay.
01:14:59
Speaker
The first day was very nice, but then the weather turned and the entire crew of the Bark Raleigh caught something and got really sick. Day one. So they return home and Humphrey is enraged. Oh no!
01:15:14
Speaker
oh He loses a ship immediately, but nothing can be done. The entire time through the voyage, he's sending letters home demanding that all these men be persecuted. so on But he had four good ships left, and going to name them now.
01:15:29
Speaker
The first is the 120-ton flagship, The Delight, captained by Richard Clarke. And the golden hind at a third of its size, captained by Edward Hayes. Hayes is one of our chroniclers. And then two itty bitty ships, the squirrel and the swallow.
01:15:44
Speaker
I'll actually ask you to now look at the images. And the first is going to be some pictures of Humphrey Gilbert. And the second is going to be a, well, not pictures, but drawings of Humphrey Gilbert. And the second is a map of the world that was included in in in his discourse.
01:15:59
Speaker
So that gives you an idea of what they think the world looks like and that you get these roughly shaped continents and no idea what's at the north.
Piracy and Nautical Governance
01:16:08
Speaker
yeah And then you go one down further and you're going to see a model of the of the squirrel.
01:16:14
Speaker
The squirrel is actually Gilbert Shep. Kind of, yes. Entirely by squirrels. that's cut squirrel yeah The squirrel and the swallow are tiny.
01:16:26
Speaker
This is a ship of around 10 people. Really? Yes. okay The Delight, meanwhile, has a crew of 100. OK. So and Humphrey is on the squirrel. So the trip was fog drenched, rainy and miserable. They went too far north. They were aiming for probably south of the St. Lawrence River and instead wound up on Labrador. Humphrey's elaborate fog lighting system also didn't work, and the squirrel and the swallow vanished into the fog.
01:16:53
Speaker
The delight of the golden hind crawled the coast. The first spot in an island, and actually Humphrey was not on the squirrel at this point. I think he was on the golden hind. He gets back on the squirrel later. And they crawl the coast of Newfoundland and finally and find an island covered in lovely black and white chubby cute birds, and they name it Penguin Island. Makes sense.
01:17:11
Speaker
Kind of like Penguin Island. They then found the swallow and everyone gave a good cheer. And when they got closer, everyone in the swallow was wearing fancy clothes. i' See, Newfoundland, particularly St. John's Harbor, because it just faces east and you don't have to get further inland where the seas get unbelievably dangerous, had a lot of ships going around there. And when the crew of the swallow, who were all low-rent criminals, saw a stray ship,
01:17:40
Speaker
They pirated it. All right. It wasn't their job. The ship was probably English. They leapt on the ship, stole everything they could find, and were wearing fancy wore fancy clothing when they were found. And they were also busy robbing two other French ships.
01:17:56
Speaker
Damn. Well, I mean, it's the law of the sea, I suppose. ah Humphrey intervened and and then sent the french French ships to go home, but also kept their stuff. So the French ships were stripped and probably all perished at sea. high That is ah probably the ship Humphrey's on right now. ah The Golden Hind and the Desire are together. and the The Golden Hind was Drake's ship, though, wasn't it? Wasn't that the one that he used to circumnavigate?
01:18:26
Speaker
Yes, it was, actually. You're right. They get repurposed. Yes. Ship with a pedigree. It is. I should have mentioned that in this essay. So yeah, ah the Golden Hind, a famous ship. So it's with the desire. And so they find the swallow and then they finally continue on and find Humphrey's ship, the squirrel.
01:18:43
Speaker
The squirrel was anchored by St. John's Harbor. and in front of a bizarre floating city. Really? 36 fishing boats are there, and they created what is called a rood. So the biggest and best armed ships were from England, and also this was considered kind of English territory because John Cabot had founded first.
Colonial Rules and Celebrations
01:19:03
Speaker
And they were out to fish the unbelievable bounty of the Cod of Newfoundland for the three to four safe months of the year. Every summer, these ships would gather in the harbor and form a self-governed society.
01:19:15
Speaker
The way they worked is that captains of ships would take turns being admiral for a week. Every time the Admiral changed hands, they'd throw a giant feast. Everyone would have a party because fishing in place is boring. And then they'd trade off and do it again. The only rule is that the captains had to be English, but it was mostly English. But there were French, Portuguese, Dutch, Spanish.
01:19:35
Speaker
The whole works. that is and That's pretty cool. Right? Yeah. An narco-syndicalist collective on the high seas. Well, sort of. It's like an anarcho-syndicalist republic because it's only the captain. An anarcho-syndicalist republic. I mean...
01:19:52
Speaker
The ship to the route had no idea what the hell to do with the squirrel and so had blockaded her. And Humphrey acted decisively. He erected fighting screens, loaded cannon, and did a full like peacock strut into the harbor.
01:20:06
Speaker
He sent a little fishing vessel to send word of his approach to let everybody know that Humphrey Gilbert was here on behalf of the queen and then promptly smashed the light into a gigantic rock called the pancake. Okay.
01:20:17
Speaker
Made up. Pancake that boat. Thankfully, the delight was not seriously damaged. That's pretty funny. En garde, slam. oh The English ship captains met aboard the delight and Humphrey Gilbert showed them the charter and the Queen's orders.
01:20:32
Speaker
The Englishmen were happy because, I mean, it's the Queen. We all love the Queen and she's here to set up a colony. Kablam! The cannons go off into the sea and Humphrey Gilbert arrives in the Americas.
01:20:45
Speaker
He goes into an area they call the garden, which is like a clearing in a forest and sets down a flag and a big plaque.
Setbacks and the Search for Silver
01:20:52
Speaker
Mork Hannes get fired and he reads his charter and then says, although the foundation of his calling will come in place, I'm going to set three rules. And the first rule is no Catholics.
01:21:02
Speaker
Yeah. Note how his voyage was funded. And this is also despite the French, Spanish, and Portuguese who are around as well, but they're not in charge.
01:21:14
Speaker
They can't read English anyways. Two, the queen's in charge. Three, don't shit talk the queen. His commonwealth extended 200 leagues in all directions, and there were expected levies of fishermen who dutifully complied because he wasn't really unreasonable. Everybody had to contribute in order to fund the colony, and then he just started feasting. He treats every captain on the delight and there's parties and everyone has a grand old time. They're coming in with some exciting supplies from England and the hobby horses and Morris dances come out.
01:21:45
Speaker
So Morris dancers on hobby horses. Oh my God. And they're lacking the hobby horses instead of the sticks. Yes. I mean, if that was a style the time, it probably was a blast. and Morris dancing. I think it pretty new at the time. So it's like the latest in hot dance technology. Yeah. No sillier than we look. I think now it's the, it's the border. Morris dancing is also objectively awesome. Look up a video of that. So.
01:22:13
Speaker
I will. Yeah. Parmenius, the official poet, as they're settling in, cheerfully suggests they burn down the entire forest to get a better look of things. Can't the forest or the fire? Yeah. yeah believing that i just Just destroy everything. Get right to it. Pristine, ah unbelievable forest. us And Humphrey says, no, I think it would make the of the seas icky and make I might make the fish sick. and Well, good for He's not wrong. Yeah.
01:22:39
Speaker
It's more or less. um The forest itself having value, of course, not in the mindset. Oh, no. He does cod. While this is happening, the pirates continue to try to steal ships and even in fact successfully steal a random ship and sail off to never be seen again.
Shipwrecks and Survival
01:22:57
Speaker
So you gotta write this into your budget piracy. that' We're going to lose that yeah And they can't help themselves. They have to take ships. It's the only thing they know how to do.
01:23:07
Speaker
Yeah. It's the pirate's way. Now we have an Adonado pirate voices. What the heck? ah And also it's the swallow is sent. And the swallow is sent back with all of the sick and injured because this has been a hard voyage and they're sick and injured. So they pile them all on and send them back.
01:23:25
Speaker
And then while there's going on, Humphrey Gilbert meets a man named Daniel, who I think is one of the crew. Daniel was a Saxon man. And at Humphrey's request, he was looking at local rock for something of interest because, again, he's got Martin Frobisher's failed gold rush in mind and the Spanish silver in mind.
01:23:43
Speaker
Daniel comes back swearing on his life and he made sure he said, my life is very important to me, that this rock was silver ore. This made Humphrey's day. And he told nobody. He's got his little silver ore.
01:23:56
Speaker
ah He keeps it hidden on the desire. And it's just a lump of rock. And the other captains just know Humphrey is a lump of rock. Nobody cares. Humphrey gets back to business. He has a colony to explore, and the three remaining ships of Humphrey's voyage decide to embark southwards in order to get a sense of what Humphrey now owned.
01:24:13
Speaker
They did some fishing off of Cape Race and then set for a place called Sable Island. Is anyone aware of Sable Island? No. It's famous for his horses. It is a sandbar that is a good 200 kilometers south of Cape Breton. Oh. And...
01:24:28
Speaker
There was a rumor that somebody had loosed a ton of pigs and cattle there with hopes of founding a colon. And so they had dreams of this island overrun with delicious beef and delicious pork.
01:24:41
Speaker
Because they were getting sick of the pod. I guess So at the stern of the ship, sniffing the air wildly, they take off southwards and sail for eight days. bacon on Now...
01:24:55
Speaker
Bacon, ah I'm going to call it Bacon Island. This was a mistake. See, the problem with Bacon Island is that it's heavily baconated. And this means that the Bacon Island is a sandbar, right? And if you think of a curve of bacon raised up above the water,
01:25:15
Speaker
There's a bunch of other bacons leading out below that. and has And it gives the land below the ocean the texture of a cheese grater to a ship. yeah This is also unbelievably foggy.
01:25:29
Speaker
So after a brief respite to eat a delicious dolphin, They continue going on. What does dolphin taste like? It can't be good. Yeah. I imagine it being all rubbery. I don't know. You know what? We should have an episode on the Gorman Society. That group that just went around the world eating everything.
01:25:49
Speaker
oh Apparently it tastes like beef. Oh, there you go. Really? Yeah. I've eaten shark, fermented shark. Oh, you have? was the worst thing I've ever tasted. Yeah, you had a Carl? It's like, yes. confess That's crazy. In Reykjavik itself, and it was oh frozen, and it was like 10,000 gym socks.
01:26:15
Speaker
had been consolidating in a burlap sack for 10,000 years. I have to try it at some point, simply because it's famous for being disgusting. Oh yeah, and how.
01:26:26
Speaker
I'll do it again. Fantastic. So they're performing soundings and soundings are mind out of gutter.
01:26:37
Speaker
Mind out of gutter. so Soundings are where you know, now ah mom, if you're listening, don't look that up. Where you put a rope into the water with a weight on it and see how deep the water is.
01:26:49
Speaker
And they show and also they so show shoal. then deep, then shoal again. And shoal is dangerously shallow seas. Ooh. So it's going like only a few fathoms deep. So 20, 30 feet.
01:27:04
Speaker
And then, you know, 200 feet. Then back up. Shallow deep, shallow deep. She's greater. That ripple, look at the cheese grater, that's right. So ah the 120-ton flagship, The Desire, is drawing 14 feet of water, and then suddenly the two vessels in the rear flash warnings to the Delight. The Delight zigs, zags, and strikes.
01:27:25
Speaker
Yep. She gets hard on the cheese grater, and she is destroyed, shattered to bits. Realizing they are in mortal peril with these waters, they flee Bacon Island and head straight away because they know they can't get to the Delight without seeing a similar doom.
Optimism Amidst Tragedy
01:27:43
Speaker
They try to circle back as safely as they can, but it's foggy. They can't see each other or anything. They do not see any survivors. However, wow there are survivors. The Desire had a crew of 100, and its rapid destruction meant the lifeboats were an impossibility.
01:27:58
Speaker
But a pinnace, which is a small scouting ship, was on the deck because they were on a pinnace trying to grab some seabirds. um So some sailors cut it loose and 16 men managed to get on it, including the captain.
01:28:12
Speaker
This tiny ship is horribly overcrowded and drifts off into sea while they slowly die off until they make land and live off of berries until the French find them.
01:28:23
Speaker
Most of them get back to England. Wow. How long would that take? probably months um but that's a good story yeah just absolutely it's unfortunately it's only summarized as the uh they weren't the ones who uh kept the logs and also they had nothing to write on i don't have the exact count but around 90 souls were lost there oh wow losing the delight knew so what would they knew were they just not paying attention to the sounding where they're just like ah Humphrey wanted bacon. Just, it seems like a lot of these expeditions are somebody being very foolish and just not looking at the evidence.
01:29:00
Speaker
Yes. In front of their face, right? And so there's actually some more detail on in on that. And there is dispute about who made the wrong call. Okay. and there is competing historiography as to whether it was Humphrey or whether it was Captain Clark of the Desire. A book written in 1910 about Humphrey Gilbert that I think was just called Humphrey Gilbert ah which I perused but didn't really read, believes that Clark was the one who made the mistake.
01:29:26
Speaker
But they were also... chasing off this island in the middle of nowhere upon a rumor of there being ah beef and pork in these unbelievably dangerous waters.
01:29:37
Speaker
So if somebody was dumb and it might've been several people. yeah So losing the delight destroyed the morale. Not only were there a hundred people on that ship that they were all convinced were dead, all of their provisions and supplies were on there and Humphrey's books and papers about his colony and whatever else he wanted.
01:29:57
Speaker
because he was there to live forever. Like not live forever, but you get what mean. He took his stuff to set up shop there and the silver ore and Dan, or the the so-called silver ore and Daniel were both there as well.
01:30:11
Speaker
Everything. They put all their, they put all their good shit on the one boat. It was the, it was the biggest and best and safest. Yeah, right. Oh, damn. It's the one boat you shouldn't have lost, but it was 100 tons. Everything else was way too small.
01:30:24
Speaker
Again, the golden hind was a third of the size. So Humphrey flies into a rage. He loses his mind. And particularly, like, and it's actually kind of curious. And here's a quote from Hayes. Whatever it was, the remembrance touched him so deep as not able to contain himself. He beat his boy in a great rage. Oh, yeah.
01:30:48
Speaker
Just that's the boy's fault, you know. The yeah the the best boy on the ship. just Yeah. Anyways. So ah Humphrey is disconsolate, but his optimism comes back really fast.
01:31:02
Speaker
They sail around trying to find their way back, but they are just getting lost in the fog. And with the desire gone, their supplies are very low. The men are now begging Humphrey to give back give up and go back to England. Their clothes are threadbare. And there's this like scene described of both ships coming up close. And the men on the squirrel with Humphrey, like waving and pointing at their mouths and showing how their clothes are falling apart. Right. And Humphrey assents and then gets on the desire and then throws a party.
01:31:35
Speaker
He conferences at the hind to make Mary, not the desire, the desire is gone, but gets on the hind and makes Mary morning and night because in his mind, there's silver and the queen has never disappointed him. The queen is always right. And surely the queen will fund everything.
01:31:53
Speaker
He tells everybody how wonderful next year is going to be and won't stop talking about next year's voyage. This is despite the fact he has lost everything, right? That sounds like he's losing it. This voyage is a disaster. And all he has is the word of a dead foreigner about ore he doesn't have anymore. while Yeah, just to go, let's party it up. we're We're screwed anyway. Surely the queen will come through at some point. Let's go nuts.
01:32:20
Speaker
Absolutely. Get mental break. Well, in it I think it's in keeping. He is always optimistic. Yeah. And he always believes in the queen. Seems like it's worked.
01:32:31
Speaker
And when people talk to him and say, you've lost all your to money, bro. To quote Humphrey, leave that to me. i will ask a penny of no man. I will bring good tidings to her majesty who will be so gracious as to lend me 10,000 pounds. So I'll ask a penny of no man.
01:32:48
Speaker
But of a woman, I will ask many pennies. Many pennies.
Reflections on Humphrey Gilbert's Legacy
01:32:52
Speaker
They are in largely unknown, foggy, yeah highly dangerous seas. Fuck it they The crew beg Humphrey to stay on the golden hind.
01:33:05
Speaker
Do not get on the squirrel. look at this Look at the model of that ship again and understand it holds 10 people. yeah Humphrey says, i will not forsake my little company going homeward with whom I have passed so many storms and perils. yeah The boat sank and he drowned.
01:33:23
Speaker
Yes. And for viewers, that image is not going to be in the show notes, but rather it's by Roger Smith account Walk Smuggler on Flickr. There is no copyright to share. So instead, just look it up. You can find it on Flickr where he wants it to be seen because it is a lovely model of the squirrel. And and I'm excited. so Yeah. built that right So through terrifically bad weather, the ships sail eastwards until they are at the longitude of the Azores and are starting to head north for England.
01:33:52
Speaker
And then a gale hits them with waves high into, quote, pyramid wise. The sailors swear it was the most outrageous seas they had ever seen. Monday, September 9th, the squirrel gets swamped again and again. This tiny boat is not equipped for these seas.
01:34:09
Speaker
And the crew of the Golden Hind are in terrible danger fighting for their lives. And every time they come by, Humphrey Gilbert is sitting on the stern of the ship reading a book. Oh, boy.
01:34:22
Speaker
Whenever the vessels get close, he waves and shouts, we are as near to heaven by sea as by land. Does that mean they're all going to die? He says this a lot of times.
01:34:32
Speaker
Oh, He's optimistic, you know. good yeah shoot He's optimistic they're going to die. He's reading a book, he's laughing, and he's like, God loves us! Everyone's like, are you okay? um That's good, because everyone else thinks he's an asshole. Oh, I have to mention that just as they decide to turn east, they saw a walrus. And there's this gigantic description, which was too long to include in the script, lying on its belly. And it goes, but um scares everybody and vanishes below the ocean.
01:35:06
Speaker
Everybody is convinced it's a sign of the devil. And Humphrey's like, no, that just means the devil's scared of us.
01:35:15
Speaker
He is optimistic. Yeah. He saw the very devil himself and he went back into the sea. Yes. And so it night falls during this horrific gale. And then they see St. Elmo's fire. And St. Elmo's fire on a ship's mast is the most superstitious thing a sailor can see. And to them, a single St. Elmo's fire is sure disaster.
01:35:37
Speaker
And I quote... The frigate, the squirrel, being ahead of us in the golden hind, suddenly her lights were out. Whereof, as it were in a moment, we lost sight. And with all, our watch cried.
01:35:50
Speaker
The general, Humphrey, was cast away, which was too true. For in a moment, the frigate was devoured and swallowed up by the sea. That's a quote from Captain Hayes.
01:36:02
Speaker
And the Golden Hind successfully reached England in September 22nd, 1587, and they were the only survivors. And that's the end of the story. Oh, wow.
01:36:12
Speaker
Just swallowed up in the sea, and that's that's the end. That was the end of Sir Humphrey Gilbert. They gotta give Elmo a talk into those fighters. I can't help it. just picture... her I don't know why. i hear St. Elmo's fire. It's...
01:36:29
Speaker
Elmo with a Pope hat. You know, just... I don't know why. I just think of that great 80s song. Oh, well, that's true. Higher and higher. It's catchy. but yeah What do you think about the about Humphrey Gilbert? Man of Contrasts.
01:36:48
Speaker
know boys like I think about these times and, you know, in my younger days, you think of you think and you have more black and white thinking who's good and who's bad. Everyone's just like, well, I guess they're all bad. Like, you know, like the the Catholic Protestant thing. I'm not on either side because they're both wrong. You know what i mean? And so it's like in this story, like everybody's compromised. Right. You've colonized it, except for maybe the Irish and the indigenous people.
01:37:12
Speaker
right i mean The underdogs, right? The underdogs are always... yeah and In any story, the under ah my my sympathies lie with the underdogs. And the problem here is Humphrey Gilbert's kind of an underdog too, which is why you end up rooting for him.
01:37:28
Speaker
Like emotionally, I'm rooting for this guy as I'm reading this, understanding yeah that he is a mad butcher of the Irish, um a colonizer who considered indigenous people to be beneath his contempt, who he could delight with fucking hobby horses. yeah But he believed in himself and in his queen so much.
01:37:50
Speaker
You're like, oh man, you tried really hard. And he was, there was only genuinely, I believe, one thing that held him back and that he's probably the worst sailor to have ever lived.
01:38:03
Speaker
and the only thing that stopped him from his overseas colony. Well, and this is the thing, right? Gilbert was this amazing scholar of geography. Yeah. Martin Frobisher didn't know anything.
01:38:15
Speaker
That man's head was empty. But he was the best sailor Britain had at the time. he Put them both together. Well, ah yeah, if Frohbisher had led that, they'd be probably be fine. He wasn't really good at leading fleets, but he knew how to captain a ship.
01:38:29
Speaker
But Humphrey just didn't, and there was no indication anything he did on a boat was ever successful. ah um And he really was best, like his like if he remained a scholar and worked on geography, I'd probably be a much more respected and known figure. And instead, just this sort of ignoble um moron half-brother of Walter Raleigh, who I think around 10 years later founded the Virginia colony. That's right. Yeah. Again, tobacco emulating his older brother. Right. The colonies. cause Yes, that's right. Right. Interesting. Humphrey set the stage for so much.
01:39:09
Speaker
And failed so spectacularly. But this is a thing. When any endeavor, there's going to be failures at the beginning. yeah and so you fail and you try again. and And the story of the failure, I think, is yeah maybe even more interesting than the story of the success. This is a fun one. yeah That's right. yeah Fascinating.
01:39:27
Speaker
That was a good story. Really interesting story that I had never heard. And it's funny because you hear these, yeah, the names thrown about, you hear about Elizabeth and Raleigh and all these things, but just this side character. Putting them in context of someone's story who's player. Could have been someone. Yeah, he's a could have been someone. The bit player is fascinating people. And this is what we want to hear about, things that are unique, obscure. he obviously seems a dilettante as well. This also goes to show how much you can accomplish if you have a lot of money and time.
01:39:58
Speaker
like I drove a lot of other people's money in time, let's be clear. That's right. He never had money of his own. geographicical Oh, no, no. Oh, no. But if you have somebody giving you money and time, you can you can be quite expert in a variety of realms. But yeah, great episode, Dave. Thank you.
01:40:15
Speaker
ah Are we ready to wrap it up? Do we have any concluding thoughts? The problem with mercantilism is you eventually run out of other people's money. Indeed. Yeah. That's a good bet. Come on. That is a great bet. It's a great bet. Yeah.
01:40:28
Speaker
I think it's a good closing thought though. Thank you for listening to the tale of Sir Humphrey Gilbert, England's greatest failure. And I think calling him a great failure is a fitting words for that man. And tune in for our next episode on the Wonder Camera.
01:40:43
Speaker
Bye everyone. Bye. Bye. Thank you for listening to The Wonder Camera. Find us under The Wonder Camera on Blue Sky, YouTube, and Instagram. can