Transcript
Speaker: Bob. There's a sentence you've carried around for more than 30 years that really caught my attention. I'm the problem. I am the solution. I am the resource. And that's... actually a pretty uncomfortable idea for a lot of people because it means We can't blame. Washington, we can't blame the guy next door, our neighbors per se. you know Other. items in life for everything that's wrong. So What are we we refusing to take responsibility for right now?
Speaker: Let me take you back to how I heard those words and how it how it twisted my life. around. Um, I've been in private practice. I've been in practice, excuse me, for 15 years.
Speaker: When all of a sudden I realized that I needed to do better in my community. i you know i I sort of saw my role as being the best darn pediatrician and medical geneticist. I could be.
Speaker: But what have I done to make a difference in my community? And the answer was none of it. I heard a talk then. Somebody was trying to get hospitals. to tithe.
Speaker: to their communities, that hospitals need to pay more and have ah more of an investment in their communities. And this individual said, 12 words that have impacted my life.
Speaker: Forever. I am the problem. I am the solution. I am the resource, meaning. that whatever's going on in the community, it's got to be my problem. It's not their problem. i sure hope they take care of that I sure hope they take care of that. No. It's got to be me.
Speaker: I am the problem. I've got to be. Part of the solution. But to do that. I need to devote my resources to it. So I am the problem. I'm the solution. I'm the resource.
Speaker: And I... And it was just... I must admit it really. turned over in my head for months, I still didn't figure out what to do with it. until I finally said, okay.
Speaker: I got to get involved. So I went to leaders in the community and said, you know, put me in coach. I'm ready. Um, you know, i got I'm ready to do some good. and So I got involved in a variety of activities.
Speaker: And I was sort of smugly. felt. Real good. i was I was a good person. I was getting involved. I was helping. helping with this. And then April 20. 1999.
Speaker: Two students walk into a high school in Littleton, Colorado. Massacre 13 people. and kill themselves. You and I know that as Columbine. And so I said to myself,
Speaker: Could that happen in my community? And the answer was yes. the And the second question is, what have I done? to help prevent that. And the answer was not enough. So I...
Speaker: Again, using thinking about I'm the problem, I'm the solution, I'm the resource. And. Parenthetically, let's let's look at... Let's change the pronoun. We're the problem.
Speaker: We're the solution. We are the resource. But. you know I can only do what I can do right now. So I... wrote down I put pencil to paper and we did that back then. Um,
Speaker: what I consider to be the five steps to community improvement. What could each of us do? to make a difference in our community. I subsequently wrote, 160 op -ed articles to the local newspaper.
Speaker: over a period of 10 to 12 years. going over those five things. Number 1 Learn to be the best parent you could be. And I chose those words very carefully because.
Speaker: Not everyone has the same resources. Not everyone has the same abilities. So it's it's learning to be the best parent you could be. Um, Number two, get involved.
Speaker: Number three, stay involved, which I think is different. than getting involved. Number four. And... and intuitive love for others. And number five, the most difficult one.
Speaker: forgiveness. And we need to be thinking about forgiveness in it. In a personal way. and forgiveness in a communal way. And I don't know if you've read, but the remarkable book by Mitch Albom, he's from, I think he's from Detroit. um ah Tuesdays with Maury.
Speaker: um about the blessings from his. College Professor Maury Schwartz. so much in that book. But one of the big takeaways for me. is Forgive yourself.
Speaker: Forgive others. and do it now. um So I've been on this. personal journey. of forgiveness. trying to make sure that I forgive myself. for things that I'm harboring or not doing.
Speaker: that I forgive others. and do it in an expeditious way. So that. That got me through and I published a book back then in 2013 called My Children's Children.
Speaker: Raising Young Citizens in the Age of Columbine. And I chose those words carefully. My children's children. I wanted this book for my children. My children's children.
Speaker: My grandchildren. My children's children, the children I cared for. and thousands over my career. and My children's children. those who I've advocated for.
Speaker: And one of the take home lessons for me from that book. is one of the most important things we can do. is be better citizens. Citizens care for each other. Citizens care about each other.
Speaker: Citizenship is the hallmark of democracy. And I used to think. That. of The goal of parenting. is to make your child happy I used to.
Speaker: My first marriage ended up in a divorce. And I remember telling my my... son at the time said, son, I just want you to be happy. When my second son came along with our second marriage, I said, I just want you to be happy.
Speaker: And then I realized. that That is sort of a bass -ackwards approach. what I want them to be. is good citizens. I think if you're a good citizen.
Speaker: Happiness is a blissful. Secondary. side effect Now. I recognize that might be exaggeration, but I stand by it and I'll i'll go to my grave with it because I think it's.
Speaker: learning to to care for and about other people is so crucial. so crucial And that's, that's very important. You know, you you You touched a little bit on Columbine, right? And, you know, in this day of everybody likes to see more than what's there or not there.
Speaker: Um, You know, what did Columbine change in you? and Can you have trust with some of these things without agreeing on what's true? Well, what Columbine changed to me, and I... Good.
Speaker: Spent my late teen years in Colorado, so not in. not near Littleton, but what Columbine taught me is. My goodness. Here's two children that seemingly...
Speaker: Uh. grew up in a reasonably affluent Um, protected environment. that took it upon themselves to kill these people and hatch this horrible plot.
Speaker: and then kill themselves. And so as I tried to think... What was in their head, and I recognize that I would not, tells me that I don't know what's in the head of most people.
Speaker: And I need to assume. then I need to be. working. in a positive way that I need as a pediatrician, I need to be helping. All the families that I see.
Speaker: learning to be the best parent they could be. As a citizen, I needed to be getting involved. As a citizen, I needed to help others. Stay involved. As a citizen, and a pediatrician, I needed to. profess,
Speaker: and show Love for others. And. As he. Spouse. Parent. and citizen I need to actively practice forgiveness. So those...
Speaker: five steps That. really came to me out of Columbine. It's interesting. Every time I wrote, again, I said I wrote over 160. op -ed articles, and oftentimes I would let my wife read them.
Speaker: before I would send them in and she'd go, ooh. I don't know about that one. That sounds a little preachy to me. And I said, well, honey, you don't know who I'm preaching to. And she said, what? I said, this is to me.
Speaker: This is the action steps for me. If this has any utility to anybody else, great. But this is what. I should be doing. So in a sense. I was journaling.
Speaker: in a public way. Wow I am. That soon. definitely a very unique perspective. I didn't even think about that. um You know what?
Speaker: journaling. um You know, when you look at that, right, and then we talked we were talking a little bit about. You know, what's the... The line between civility.
Speaker: you know, and cowardice, right? And journaling, like how, has any of that helped you bridge those things that helped feed into your book? Yes. I mean, obviously I've. I have personally, I have very.
Speaker: pointed political views, but I recognize. that. Just. Having of having a... antagonistic approach to things was going to be of no benefit whatsoever. I needed to. sort of take an approach that said, this is how I feel. Let me put this down civilly.
Speaker: And let me see if we can have a rational discussion about this. And I guess my training as a pediatrician really helped me with that because so often. Parents would come in. Severely questioning. something i was Shane.
Speaker: or or recommending for their child. And I said, okay, let's talk about it. let's Let's see what. You don't. understand, did I did i and to say it incorrectly or did I not make myself clear? And how can we work together to have a satisfactory solution?
Speaker: to this. And so. Over a course of 30, 40 years, I got better. but But it took, ah you know, when you come out of when you come out of medical school and you come out of training.
Speaker: you know i'm I'm the best darn doctor there is. And I realized. that without humility and sincerity, and empathy. We're in deep doo -doo in this country.
Speaker: Yes, I mean... You have to have empathy to me. That just. You would think that that was kind of a given. Um, It should be, but... It's not unfortunately.
Speaker: ah You know... 45 years of children. you know I'm sure it have. How do I have taught you a lot? you know, What have kids taught you about adults and things of this nature?
Speaker: so It's interesting. I just sat down to to write an an article. I send out a weekly blog to people that are interested, and I have ah over 300 folks across the country that receive it. I just sat down to. To. analyze the lessons of my career.
Speaker: Um, And. to say, okay, well, that's nice. how But how did it affect my life? um And... The lessons of my career. One was...
Speaker: Leave your bias at the door. because we all have biases. And so in ah in my in medicine, I can say, oh, that gosh, this is this is. child X. I just saw him last week. This mother drives me crazy. I'm going to do no, no, no, no. This is a new encounter.
Speaker: And I need to treat this this child and family with respect. Jettison my bias. retain what I've learned in the past, but jettison my bias about this. ah to trust the intermission. Trust the intuition of parents.
Speaker: Um, Because parents are living with the children all day long. They know a heck of a lot more about their child. And I do. and And as a parent, I found that. found the same way in terms of trying to express to other doctors. what my child is going through. The life lesson there is...
Speaker: we you know Trust the intuition of other people. Don't just... Tell them. what you think they should be doing. You don't know their life story and you don't know what they're going through. Uh, The next lesson was listen intently.
Speaker: Listen. Be present. Don't just, doctors don't like a void. We like to when people when people start stop talking, we just sort of fill it in or we quickly interrupt because we want to do this and get on to the next patient.
Speaker: that's ah That's a bad system. that we have. You can only, only by listening and then. What I found was repeating back to the family what I heard makes a world of difference. Whoa.
Speaker: You understand? what we came in here for. um So that was. That's very good. Smile. Smile. It's ah it's ah the most engaging thing we can do.
Speaker: and smiling for me and to kids and to parents. was that way, but smiling in the grocery store, smiling on the... on the sidewalk smiling at the Detroit Lions game.
Speaker: Even when they're losing is important. And then the fifth. Then the fifth one. was um Coway G. Oh, remember remember our humanity.
Speaker: As a physician. i I find myself now definitely on the other side of the encounter more than I ever thought I would be. But we should never forget our common humanity. um And that's that that we're always and we're in this together. you know it's that We talked about empathy briefly. The root word for empathy is M.
Speaker: Within. Pathos. suffering. So empathy means we we... actively get within the suffering of others. Um,
Speaker: And that's when that's when we actually can learn. and make a difference going forward. No, and I mean that is very key You know. With.
Speaker: I'll open this part of this, you know, has civility become a dirty word? And when I asked that. yeah because there's a criticism of civility and i didn't face it on my show that says When something is generally wrong, being polite about it can just...
Speaker: Protect the status quo is what a lot of people think. So where's the line between civility and cowardice? sir um Well, civility is one of the one of the key features in my new book, but I think... The.
Speaker: There is no substitute for civility. Without civility, nobody hears what the other person is saying. Um, there There is no rational discussion.
Speaker: without civility. Because if you open with ah a string of profanity or a string of... belittling or demeaning somebody. Nobody listens to what you're saying or certainly can't process or.
Speaker: Just as bad. All they can think of is how how they can attack. Oh. instead of of trying to calm down and have a rational. discussion. So.
Speaker: I'm not not sure I can answer your question between civility and cowardice. Um, But I think that... so there is the Civility is the hallmark. of a democratic society.
Speaker: and without civility. We're in trouble. Yes. 1 ,000%. In your book. You know, your list talks about Truth. then trust.
Speaker: than science. You know, and this is kind of why I'm piggybacking that. I'm curious about that order. You know, can you have trust without agreeing on what's true? I think that you can. Hopefully maybe hopefulllly got that vibe a little bit when I was talking about some things before the show.
Speaker: um But, you know. But what happens when people stop trusting institutions? And can we have both? Um, Let me give you a little bit of background here. that The background for the book started in 2018. I heard John Kerry give a talk about his new book that was coming out called Every Day is Extra.
Speaker: And I was struck by his humility. and his description of where we were in our society back then in 2018. That night. I sat up. all night and imposed in my head and then in the morning, wrote what I consider to be the six things that made a difference. Truth. Trust. Science. Civility. diversity. and faith.
Speaker: Now to get back to your... Trust. ah We talked about civility as the hallmark of democracy. Trust is the social currency. of democracy.
Speaker: Without trust. ah There is no rational exchange. of social discourse. Um, and trust is totally based on truth.
Speaker: Um, Now, i you know, I spent a whole chapter on truth recognizing that Sometimes there are some truths. that are always You know, two plus two equals four.
Speaker: Um, There are some truths. that are somewhat elusive that people keep looking for and trying to understand. Um, But those can be identified. what when what when we and And I suspect we have all told little.
Speaker: white lies at times ah in terms of different things. I think the difference is. when you're willing to to admit When you've done it, to be humble and sincere sincere and go forward.
Speaker: Ask for forgiveness. and And do better. No, and that's, I mean, that's most definitely. okay Especially with the truth part. I mean, you can't really beat that. You know, you put science and faith on the same list.
Speaker: There are people out there who would tell you those belong on the opposite sides of the room. you know maybe break it down a little bit more you know where does the science and and faith begin for you Well, science science is what...
Speaker: is sort of the engine of our society. I mean, You're talking into a microphone now. How was that? How was that made? By science. They understood sine waves.
Speaker: um I'm on a variety of medicines. um being treated for a variety of... conditions, science. my whole career was backed in. What I did was based on was based on science. People get in the car and drive. Science.
Speaker: Uh, people. you know, turn on their air conditioning. science So science is a critical part of. of what we do. Two. To divorce science and faith.
Speaker: is It just makes no sense. you you You know, you you fall down, you break your ankle. Are you just going to hope to hope that God can fix it for you?
Speaker: or you're going to go to the emergency room and have an x -ray done. and look and see what... what's done, whether you need to have surgery or cast. Or whatever. Um,
Speaker: So, and I like the words of Francis Collins, who used to be the head of the National Institutes of Health. that Um, The two are completely Go together.
Speaker: you can have a complete faith in God as he does and see science as the gift of God. Uh, To help. make things better for. humanity.
Speaker: no i mean And I think we can get there. It's... you know i think people just have to maybe learn to take a little bit of a deep breath Because they... they seem to not want to in.
Speaker: I these days. yeah I go to church and I've seen. a small resurgence. and The youth in... People like that going.
Speaker: back to church and they're trying to find purpose. Um, you know, a lot of you young people have said. COVID. really felt them feeling isolated. you know, they That human connection was gone.
Speaker: Do you feel that like, you know, those things? Apply to what you've been talking about? Yeah. Oh, I definitely do. now i I retired at... in 2020, just as the vaccinations came along for for COVID.
Speaker: ah But I, you know, I... Lived. 2020. as a physician mask and Gowned up. when I needed to be for seeing patients. And obviously there was a real disconnect there.
Speaker: um and So i I have not been in the... and The practice of seeing patients for the last six years. uh but definitely see. the need for people to get together.
Speaker: Um, Because... the connectivity, that's the glue. of a democracy is the is the connection. Um, there's ah There's a book called Bowling Alone. by a sociologist by the name of Robert Putnam. um And he. talks about social capital.
Speaker: Social capital is what... We invest in each other. And it makes it makes a difference. The title is interesting because it... he sees in post -World War II era,
Speaker: Bowling. was one of these social connections. People. had went to Boeing, had Boeing leaks and everything else. And in that social connection.
Speaker: continue to dissolve. And in his mind, people were then. Bowling alone. Now, unfortunately. ah The internet and social media has made us even more disconnected. I believe.
Speaker: Um, And so it's... Getting together is is so important. Yes, it is. I mean, it ah I can't stress that enough getting together and.
Speaker: Somehow, I mean... Having that cup of coffee, having that. a donut, whatever you want to. you know, you do your social routine's over. Um,
Speaker: you know that is that kind of really goes back to like, i bring this up a little bit is like Columbine, right? When, at least from my understanding, and again, you might have more knowledge on this.
Speaker: Those kids kind of to a degree seemed like they felt isolated. and how they were perceiving things. You know, like, and I think that that's I think some people look at mental health and they go, something's wrong with them, which there may be. was certain I mean, I'm not saying those kids, but I'm saying like in general.
Speaker: Um, How much does isolation impact kids on that? And then, you know, which to me seems to translate into the. We're having to talk about civility. We're having to talk about even just being polite to one another.
Speaker: Is are those things kind of interconnected and we just don't see it? Well, I think isolation and adolescence are a big problem. ah Certainly, adolescence is a very difficult time in the in the lives of most people.
Speaker: myself included, um in terms of dealing dealing with certain issues. and being isolated in that. environment can make it more difficult. so ah But again, even in the best of families.
Speaker: even in the families that team that try to be the most connected. Um, Simple. Lack of isolation isn't the... isn't the answer either. I mean, so there's it's it's so difficult, but I think isolation is a is a significant.
Speaker: Issue. And so we need to be. Careful. And then try to be engaging kids and letting kids have so many different outlets, not just sports. and not just cheerleading and not just gymnastics, but, you know, chess clubs. and whatever else we need to have. Schools seem to be taking away extracurricular things.
Speaker: that are so important for the lives of children to help. get help them be engaged. with others. No, I mean, that is so important in being engaged. What for?
Speaker: the modern parent, right? Looking at your history, you know, I am. the problem the solution How does that apply to them when they're looking at it and the movement you're trying to do, right? Like, how can they?
Speaker: seem to get over those humps. Well, you you've you fed right into my the the book I wrote on called Conscious Parenting, which I published in 2020.
Speaker: The concept for there is and i i when I changed jobs at one point late in my career, I had to take a leadership. class And I said. rolled my eyes and I said, really?
Speaker: Do I need to do this? I sucked it up and did it. And i like so many things, I learned something. Sure. I don't know everything. Um, But what I learned is the concept of conscious leadership. and It's a...
Speaker: You can think of a line. When you're above the line, you're open, you're receptive, you're ready to learn. When you're below the line, you're closed, you're defensive, I'm always right. And the whole point of conscious leadership is sort of knowing where you are. If you're above the line, great.
Speaker: If you're below the line, then you if you're conscious about it, you can make attempts to change that. um and be ah more open and receptive.
Speaker: I applied that to parenting. I called it conscious parenting. And the line to me is. ah the parental awareness threshold. When you're above the line, you're open, you're receptive, you're ready to learn, you're ready to be present, you're ready to engage with your child. When you're below the line, you're closed. You're defensive because I said so. because I'm the parent.
Speaker: oh Now, sometimes because I'm the parent, because somebody's running out on the street is absolutely the response. Sometimes because I'm the parent is just because you're tired and don't want to. Listen to that.
Speaker: So you... have to sort of think, okay, how can I change? How can I consciously? make a difference. So i there are three things there that I call they call i call it.
Speaker: You need to pause. Take that deep breath. Think about what you're going to do. Assess the situation. and choose. ah give you I'll give you an example. One night, my youngest was about, I can't remember, seven or eight. said something that really set me off and I yelled at him.
Speaker: Well, he was the sort of kid that just turned into a puddle. And either parent did something. that was spoke out. He just... sort of withdrew. So he was withdrawn. My wife was now mad at me for yelling at him. And we went into that family meltdown mode where nobody talks to each other.
Speaker: and just walks past each other for a couple hours. I'm sure that never happened at your household, but it but it happened. happened at mine. Um, And so I finally sat down with him at bedtime.
Speaker: I said son I'm so sorry. What I did was wrong. oh Notice. I was exercising forgiveness. And I said, what I did was wrong. And I really want to apologize.
Speaker: I do think what you said was wrong, but that makes no excuse. for what I did. And he said, Dad, would you be quiet? I said, why? He said, I hate it when you're nice.
Speaker: so i um And I don't say that to pat myself on the back. But. we took it We took that deep breath. I didn't do it at the time. I didn't pause, assess, and choose. At the time, a good response.
Speaker: But after a couple hours, I was able to come back. and mount Hey.
Speaker: Repair? to a relationship. that I had just ruptured. Well, you know... We need to be always be thinking about the three R's because we need to be nurturing our children. So we want to make sure we're relating.
Speaker: We need to remember that there will always be a rupture in in some way, shape, or form. It might be, not now I'm doing this. which is a fairly simple thing. It might be something more. a behavior that really goes.
Speaker: a counter to what you want to do. So there will be a rupture. And then we want to make sure we repair. and get back into it. into a relationship that makes a difference. So. Life is that constant circle. And we need to be sure we're attending to it. We always want to be attentive and present. Um,
Speaker: And that doesn't mean. um Looking at your phone or watching TV when your child's doing something, it means turning your head. establishing eye contact and being totally present to them at the time because you would not want anything less.
Speaker: from them. So you want to be sure you do the same. with them. No, and that's, I mean, that's. Very spot on. You know, final question here.
Speaker: You spent much of your life caring for children who are going to inherit a world that you and I won't be around to see. You know, um I'm When you think about.
Speaker: your children's other children's future what are you most afraid we're going to leave them and what gives you hope we can still get it right. um Well, I think that my big concern is and i in the reason is.
Speaker: book is entitled What Really Matters, to my mind, is If we're in the society, we're not truth -based. As a society, we're not ah dealing with trust. if we're poo -pooing or damning science, if we're not treating people civilly, if we're not celebrating diversity, and we're not practic practicing faith with integrity, I think we're going in the wrong direction. so um
Speaker: Obviously I highlight those six things. But that's the big thing I want to be sure that the children. uh can go forward with. And so my...
Speaker: and this book was co -written with a TV news anchor who is retired. And so he had quite ah an audience. And our hope and dream is... that this becomes a movement.
Speaker: Oh. with it we want to that We didn't. Write this book to become. part of a solution. We want to be. Be the solution. and we will devote our resources to it.
Speaker: We recognize the problem. We are the solution. We are the resource. Well, I mean, that's key. um Bob, as we close out here, we're... Can people buy your book? Where's the best place for them to find it, purchase it?
Speaker: Well, i mean it it is on Amazon. On my website also list. this book and any other books that I have. My website is mychildrenschildren .com. dot com.
Speaker: Um, And if people are interested. I'd love to get them on them on my mailing list. for the weekly blog I send out. And that. There's a contact form on the website.
Speaker: Or my email was. Robert Saul, all together, R -O -B -E -R -T -S -A -U -L. at me. dot com. awesome i I appreciate that, Bob. And I really appreciate you taking the time to come on the show.
Speaker: Well, I thank you, Joe. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much.
Speaker: but
