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061 | Marriage Episode 6: On Parenting
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How do we talk through division of labor in the home? How does parenting change marriage, and what can we do to protect our marriages when kids come along? Josh and Phy talk through the practical answers to these questions and more in the sixth episode of the Honest Marriage series.
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Transcript
Introduction to Verity Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Verity. I'm your host, Felicia Masonheimer, an author, speaker, and Bible teacher. This podcast will help you embrace the history and depth of the Christian faith, ask questions, seek answers, and devote yourself to becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. You don't have to settle for watered-down Christian teaching. And if you're ready to go deeper, God is just as ready to take you there. This is Verity, where every woman is a theologian.
Parenting's Impact on Marriage
00:00:30
Speaker
Welcome back to Verity Podcast, The Honest Marriage Series. I'm Felicia Masonheimer and my husband Josh is here with me. Hello. And today we're talking about parenting. Parenting can be really heavy sometimes on a marriage. And we have three children ages six, four, and one.
00:00:52
Speaker
So we're in the middle of the little years of parenting and we know how exhausting and tiring those years can be, even though all years of parenting we've heard can be really difficult. So we obviously can't speak to ages beyond six, but we hope that some of what we share here is encouraging to those who are in a season of really little kids. Would you say that parenting has been a challenge for us at times?
00:01:17
Speaker
Yeah, it really has. It's funny because you would think that you figured it out with one and then that cookie cutter would work for all the rest. But no. You wish. You wish. That was how it was. But yeah, they get older and then they change and then the second one is nothing like the first one and the third is nothing like the second.
Uniqueness of Children and Marital Challenges
00:01:41
Speaker
Complete opposite.
00:01:41
Speaker
That's been the story for us with our two girls. We have two girls first, Adeline and Eva, and they are complete opposites in many ways. And somehow Ivan has been able to become the complete opposite of both those. It's true. They're all such unique little souls and we love them. And I would say before we even get started into this, that Josh and I really enjoy being parents. Would that be? Yeah.
00:02:08
Speaker
Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. We enjoy it. We, we still shower. We still sleep. We enjoy each other. We enjoy being with our kids. And we just want to say that right away because I think there are so many parents with young children, especially millennial parents who are so negative about family and about kids. And we'll say that kids will ruin your marriage. And the reality is that kids don't ruin your marriage. They expose.
00:02:34
Speaker
the sinful patterns of behavior that were already in your marriage. Yeah. It's like when, you know, you're put under the fire, the true inside's coming out. You find out who you really are under the stress of having to serve this dependent... It's refining. It is. It's refining for sure. And I think, you know, our culture just exalts anything but service and children have to be served and taken care of.
00:03:03
Speaker
I think people, it's so foreign to people in such a shift in their marriage that it really does expose a lot of selfishness sometimes.
00:03:11
Speaker
If you're listening to this marriage series, there's a good chance that you or someone you love is
Improving Marriages through Intentional Actions
00:03:17
Speaker
married. And that's fantastic because on December 7th, my brand new co-authored marriage book is launching into the world. It's called The Flirtation Experiment. And if that title intrigues you, good, because I can't wait for wives to pick this book up
00:03:35
Speaker
and be encouraged and equipped to pursue their husbands in ways they maybe never expected to do so. When I wrote this book, I was looking back on a year when I was really struggling to cultivate a relationship with Josh.
00:03:52
Speaker
I felt lonely, I felt disconnected, and I realized that I could wait for him to change it or I could make the change. And so I made a list of 30 flirtations, all different kinds of ways to show him that I loved him. And through this experiment, I found that I,
00:04:09
Speaker
actually was changed. I co-authored this book with my friend Lisa Jacobson, who's been married 28 years to my eight years. And we alternate chapters showing you the ideas that we used to cultivate an intimate and fun, romantic and flirtatious marriage.
00:04:27
Speaker
You can pre-order the book now anywhere books are sold from Amazon to Barnes & Noble, the Christian book, or you can go to the flirtationexperiment.com to get two free chapters in the introduction and to be notified when the book launches. I hope you guys will grab it. We have some awesome bonuses for those who pre-order and I'm excited to get this book into your hands.
00:04:50
Speaker
So, okay, we wanna start with a passage. That's how we've been starting each of these episodes in the Honest Marriage series. And the passage, we're gonna read two today.
Biblical Perspectives on Parenting
00:05:00
Speaker
We're gonna be reading in Matthew seven and then first John three. And we really are focusing on these because they kind of give us a glimpse of the father heart of God.
00:05:09
Speaker
Matthew 7, 9-11 says,
00:05:30
Speaker
And this is Jesus talking, you then who are evil. I kind of love that he's like, you guys are super not perfect. And you definitely know how to love your kids. So imagine how much more God loves you. And that is the picture of God's heart that in his parenting of us, that love for us, that he knows what we need before we ask him.
00:05:58
Speaker
And he wants to give good things. Sometimes those good things aren't the things that we ask for because they're better for us than, than we knew. Yeah. You know, it reminds me of that verse that says, you know, he clothes the flowers more beautifully than the Kings and like just that for, you know, nature. And he does so much more for us.
00:06:23
Speaker
Yeah, and I know that on Christmas Day when our kids open the presents that we've picked out for them, that's like the highlight of my Christmas. I love getting presents from you, but I love watching them open their gifts and my heart is rejoicing in giving good gifts to my children and knowing that that's the way God loves us, that we are assured of his affection. Especially for Eva. Like some of them the reactions are a little
00:06:51
Speaker
more rewarding. He was very expressive. But, you know, that makes me think that, you know, when we rejoice in God's love for us, when we rest in God's love, and we do like express how much we love what he gives us, how much joy that must bring him.
00:07:09
Speaker
when we worship Him in that way. So I'm going to read this other verse real fast. First John 3, 1, which says, look at how great a love the Father has given us that we should be called God's children. And we are.
00:07:23
Speaker
That's what we are. We're God's children. And so we're parenting our children out of what a scholar that I just absolutely love. His name is escaping me at the moment. He wrote Delighting in the Trinity. He wrote another book on fear of the Lord. And in that book, he called the fear of the Lord the assurance of God's affection, the assurance of his affection. And I, yeah, I love that idea of
00:07:48
Speaker
you have this affection from God, this father, and it's not going to leave you. It's assured, it's promised. And using the word affection instead of love, because love is overused, I think that impacts me. It can mean so many things these days.
00:08:02
Speaker
Yeah, so OK, that's the foundation of the love that we have to have received as parents in order to love our children effectively and also discipline, which means teach and guide them into honor and
Discipling Young Children
00:08:15
Speaker
respect. Before Josh and I talk about the marriage aspect of this, I want to give a quick shout out to my other podcast, Raising Crossformed Kids, which I co-host with my friend Ryan Coteney of Crossformed Kids.
00:08:28
Speaker
And this podcast is all about discipling little children. So parenting and discipling kids ages 10 and under. So if you want to hear more about parenting specifically, this series is only covering it in one episode, but that entire podcast is about it. So you can head over to Raising Crossformed Kids and iTunes or Spotify if you want to listen to more of that.
00:08:49
Speaker
Okay, but my co-host today is Josh. So back to you, Josh. Let's talk about like the generational wounds that we carry. I want to start with that actually, because before we can talk about getting on the same page in parenting, we have to remember that both husband and wife are bringing a history from their family of origin.
Influence of Family Origin on Parenting
00:09:11
Speaker
their own you know maybe their scars or their health or their in just their family traditions how do you think our families of origin in general impact us when we're raising little kids well i think nobody's perfect you know just like jesus was saying we're evil at times at least and so
00:09:35
Speaker
You know, there's definitely tendencies to like, if you are super intentional, you can overcompensate and like just go away the other direction. And that can be super unhealthy as well, because it's just extremes and it can look like legalism or, you know, it usually leaves something out.
00:10:03
Speaker
that would bring it to equilibrium. So I think there's also a tendency to like just be kind of apathetic or unintentional in your parenting. And that's when you begin to exhibit, you know, some of the same tendencies your parents had. And so, you know, those
00:10:27
Speaker
Like you're raised by them. So you have like kind of that habit and that picture of what parenting looks like, whether it's good or bad. And, you know, it's easy to exhibit that and just default to what you know, when you aren't trying to create your own path.
00:10:49
Speaker
We all have said, I'm never going to do what my mom did. I'm not gonna be like my old man. And then we do the exact thing that our like mothers and fathers said or did. And I think you made a great point that when you get unintentional or apathetic, you just default to sometimes the very negative behaviors that your parents exhibited because yeah, they're human and they raise you.
00:11:16
Speaker
And because like, if there's an absence of good, there's going to be a presence of bad. If you're not pursuing good. Right. Like if you're just trying to, you know, remove one bad habit, it's going to be replaced with another bad habit, unless you intentionally replace it with a good habit.
00:11:36
Speaker
Hmm Wow, that's a good point with especially with parenting because if you're not like actively shaping your heart after God's father heart and actively Replacing negative family patterns with goodness you inevitably are going to repeat generational sins mm-hmm where you could you know take the good aspects that you remember from your childhood and your upbringing and
00:12:03
Speaker
you know, hold on to those and start those habits. Because there's always something positive to be taken out of it.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah. I was actually watching this clip from the movie about Mr. Rogers. I think it's called Mr. Rogers neighborhood. Maybe not the one with Tom Hanks. Yeah. Super good. You'll cry your eyes out the whole time. At least I did. Um, but in this clip, he's talking to this very bitter reporter who's been sent to interview him. And this reporter is very bitter and cynical because of his father and how his father
00:12:40
Speaker
was just a really harsh and unloving man. And Fred Rogers, Tom Hanks says to him, you know, your dad, he did a lot of things wrong, essentially, I'm paraphrasing, but he still in some way shaped the good parts of who you are. He loved you into being.
00:13:02
Speaker
and the only way he knew how. And I think when we understand that now I'm not talking about truly abusive parents because I think there's something really.
00:13:13
Speaker
wrong and twisted there. But in most parents that were doing their best with what they had, they had not addressed their own wounding or their own sin. They had not matured in faith or maybe they weren't Christians at all. And so they... They didn't have any like wisdom in their life from their peers or their parents.
00:13:36
Speaker
Yeah. And so I just thought Fred Rogers' point was really powerful. He's saying like there was a part of who your father was that really did shape who you are. And if you can recognize the good, it may help you actually move into forgiveness and no longer being bound to this cynicism. So that's a movie's example, but I just think that's
00:13:57
Speaker
a little bit helpful for us is we can repeat the patterns of our parents or we can say, you know, thanks mom and dad for the good you did give me and I'm going to change. I'm going to change some things, but you're not changing from a place of cynicism or bitterness. You're changing from a place of peace and freedom.
00:14:19
Speaker
I think there's a big difference there. Having addressed that, and I will add, for many people, it may take counseling or therapy. Some people call it therapy. I have a thing with the word therapy. It's not the word, like the actual practice of therapy, but the actual word. You know how some people hate the word moist? I hate the word therapy. So I always say counseling. Is that weird? It kind of reminds me of rehab. What, therapy? Yeah.
00:14:46
Speaker
Anywho, that's a sidebar. I can't say the word therapy and I can't walk into Home Depot or Dunkin Donuts because they're orange and orange makes me nauseous, so fun facts about phi. Okay, so we've talked about the importance of maybe going to counseling in order to heal from these wounds, but I would also encourage be in a church community, be in the Word of God because
00:15:10
Speaker
Therapy and counseling are very important and helpful, but scripture speaks to these things too and you cannot be a believing Christian who is giving too much weight to counseling and not enough weight to scripture. The two have to be held side by side and used side by side as they shape you as a leader. Okay, with all of this said, let's talk about how to get on the same parenting page because I feel like we have had to go around this mountain several times.
00:15:39
Speaker
and it's kind of a process even for us. What thoughts do you have? We can use examples. Maybe that would be helpful to people to hear how we get on the same parenting page. Yeah. Well, we just had a discussion about this recently. A discussion is a nice way to put it.
00:15:58
Speaker
in regard to supporting one another during getting the kids to bed. Because what was happening was I was the only one putting them to bed because Fi was beginning to dread it as every time she tried to put them to bed, all hell broke loose.
00:16:21
Speaker
Yeah, it was like they would listen to Josh and just go to bed quietly. But if I put them to bed.
00:16:29
Speaker
There was just so much willfulness and resistance. It was not pleasant. I made me anxious and sick to my stomach to even have to put them to bed because it always resulted in this battle of the wills that I didn't want to have happen at bedtime. So continue. So what was happening was she wanted me to support her, but whenever I went to support her, she would use me as the enforcer.
00:16:56
Speaker
And so I felt it was creating, you know, a bad role for each of us where like, yes, they're not going to listen to her if she can't enforce anything. And then I'm, you know, the principal. Bad guy. You know, the tension and the guy that brings out the spanking rod.
00:17:19
Speaker
theoretically, symbolically. So yeah, we had a bit of a miscommunication because I was asking him to like, come on, come back me up. Like I need help. Like this is, do you not hear these children? And he was like, well, I don't want to come up there. Cause I don't, I don't want to be brought in as this enforcer or bad guy.
00:17:39
Speaker
And so we did have a discussion. Yeah, where I guess there was kind of like had to be a give and take because my mentality was like, well, she has to kind of tough it out or else like they won't be able to like, she won't be able to ever do it if she doesn't stick it through.
Teamwork in Parenting Challenges
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah, and teach them to respect their parents. Right, like have the follow through and all that. But, you know, we came to an agreement where like I would reinforce her, but she would still have to follow through with what she, the warnings that she gave and all that. And even just his presence there, even if he's not talking, just having him in the room,
00:18:22
Speaker
to basically present a united front. Like dad knows that you guys are being disrespectful to mom at bedtime. He's standing here watching, but I'm still the one who is following through on the instructions I'm giving. Like, okay, put on your nightgown now. Now we're gonna get into bed and we're gonna sing and pray. And so at first we were really, Josh and I were both mad at each other because we felt really like misunderstood, both of us.
00:18:51
Speaker
Used. Used. Or abandoned. Or abandoned. And then by having this discussion and just figuring out how we each felt in the situation, we were able to get on the same page. But I think if someone has, if you don't have a healthy conflict resolution in your marriage in general, it's going to be really hard to get on the same parenting page, wouldn't you say?
00:19:20
Speaker
Yeah, I mean like it.
00:19:22
Speaker
wasn't handled perfectly between the two of us because, you know, there were raised voices and all, but we like continued talking until we saw like the outcome that each of us hoped for. You know, we saw like our each other's mind's eye of what like they hoped the situation would be. And so we were able to find a compromise
00:19:51
Speaker
Yeah, in a way that allowed Josh to not appear like... I'm picturing Vin Diesel walking in a room or something. I'm glad that you view me as someone like him.
00:20:06
Speaker
You have more hair than him, which is a positive. But you know, having like you come in as this enforcer, you didn't want to be that to your kids. When he told me that that's how he felt, I thought, oh, okay, that does make sense. I can see why he'd feel that way. And then for me to also feel supported and not like I'm completely alone at bedtime trying to deal with everything.
00:20:26
Speaker
What would you say, Josh? I hear a lot from women, you know, doing what I do. A lot of women who say that their husbands, quite frankly, are pretty checked out when it comes to parenting. Like, they are in their chair playing a video game or reading a book or watching a show and their wife is handling everything. And it's kind of like that scene in The Incredibles where she says, Bob, engage. And he's like, kids, listen to your mother.
00:20:56
Speaker
It's like, that's not what I had in mind. What would you say to these dads? Well, I mean, it is unfortunate, you know, that that is even like a problem, but
00:21:10
Speaker
I know that like Fi has been frustrated at times when I have been, you know, playing an online game with some friends while the kids are just losing it upstairs. And I hear all the screams and the yelling and the chaos going on. But, you know, that was like.
00:21:33
Speaker
It wasn't like I was like, oh, whatever. But I was just like, you know, like they need to get used to her putting them to bed. That was my mindset. It wasn't like I was trying to strand her. But I think there is like a real problem. Like, oh, like that's not my responsibility. So like she can suck it up. Where do you think that comes from? Do you have any ideas? Like why would a husband feel that way if they're his children?
00:22:02
Speaker
I think that dependent on what generation they are, there's a lot of kind of the baby boomers had the mentality of very distinguished roles. And so once the husband got home from Mark, he did his time. And so then it was his time to just rest. And you think those fathers and grandfathers,
00:22:32
Speaker
affected like our generation. Yeah. I think that's like a big part of it. Now, granted, there's like a whole new wave of, you know, like complacency now with like coming out COVID. Like there's a lot of people who don't even want to go to work and that's a whole new thing. But. And you think that might affect like a husband's attitude in the home in some way.
00:22:58
Speaker
I think so, yeah, like going back to just like serving your time and then like being very gender role focused, like the woman takes care of the kids and the meals and it's definitely not a healthy outlook, but that's like maybe what, just a generational like precedent that's been like instilled in them.
00:23:24
Speaker
That's a good point. And we did talk about this in the gender role episode that when we look at Ephesians 5, the call is to selfless service. And so one of the things that we have found regarding division of labor in the home, and just stop me and correct me, Josh, if I'm saying this wrong.
00:23:44
Speaker
I would get so irritated because Josh would not think of things. He would not think to do all the dishes or to switch the laundry over or to pick up the living room. And I'd come home and it was like, welcome home. Here are a bunch of tasks for you to do. Or, you know, he'd come home after a work day and want to just relax. And it's like, hey, I worked all day too. I worked all day watching kids.
00:24:11
Speaker
You'd want to be like, you know, tag team. I'm out of here. It's like they're all yours. Which I think is pretty typical of a lot of homes. But one of the things we fought about this division of labor thing for quite some time in the middle years, I'd say. And then in the last couple of years, I just finally got it through my head after enough conversations where Josh said, if you want something from me, I need you to just ask because I don't notice it.
Communication with Your Partner
00:24:40
Speaker
I don't notice what you notice. I don't see what you see. So if you want something done, I'm happy to do it. Just, I needed to ask. And so I had to, you always would say, but I don't want to be a nag. Yes. Okay. But the women who are listening to this, I bet they're all right now saying, amen. Amen. That's me. I don't want to be a nag. So I don't ask. And then I'm resenting him because he's not thinking of it. All right. 99% tone.
00:25:07
Speaker
Okay. Tell us like, what is the, what, what role does tone play in how we ask guys for help? So barring just the guy having a guilty conscience of knowing better, knowing he should be helping. Yeah. And just like not, you know, trying to turn a blind eye to it.
00:25:27
Speaker
Yeah, tone, like you say you don't want to sound like his mom. Well, don't sound like his mom. There's, you know, kind ways to ask for things with like a tone that is not naggy. And I know tone and like expressions are super hard because you're like overriding your inner feelings. But like, you know, if you want help make it sound like
00:25:57
Speaker
Like you need his help as like a partner and companion and as like someone that, you know, is there to help you and maybe even, you know, rescue you. And so like, not that you have to like cater to his like,
00:26:18
Speaker
Like you're not a, you're not a damsel in distress, but there is an element in our marriage where you have said like, you're a very capable woman Felicia. So when you in a way desire my rescue, even though you don't truly need it, that makes me feel wanted and needed.
00:26:38
Speaker
And that was something like for me to express that quote unquote weakness was difficult, but it was a way of our progress in this area.
00:26:49
Speaker
Yeah, I would say like tone is a huge factor. Upward inflections, not... Can you do the dishes? Is that what you're talking about? Yes. Okay, so tone is what differentiates becoming his mother from being his wife who is requesting help and not resenting. I would say to avoid resentment, ask early, not late.
00:27:18
Speaker
Yeah, like if you stew or you're already getting stressed out over it and then you ask for help, you're not gonna have a positive tone. Right, you're gonna be frustrated. It's gonna come through. It's gonna show one way or another, yeah. Right, so instead of waiting until you're in the middle of bathing the kids and you can see the dish is still sitting there and you know he's sitting in the living room doing nothing,
00:27:47
Speaker
Maybe when he gets home and you're at the dinner table, you say, hey, we need to bathe the kids and we don't need the dishes done. I need help with both of these. Which would you prefer to do? I think also the mentality, like it's good to adopt a mentality that he's not just doing nothing because that's like you're just assuming that he's a deadbeat. That he isn't. Well, that's true.
00:28:12
Speaker
You're just saying like oh, he's over there doing nothing like that's so selfish. She just wants to like just zone out and so I think that is like a narrative that takes place in your head when you are starting to get overwhelmed and So that only like eats the pot some more So, you know, maybe like respect that
00:28:40
Speaker
he, you know, maybe had plans or was doing something specific, even if it doesn't quite look like it. I mean, obviously sometimes he is just do nothing. But, you know, maybe like you look forward to doing what he's doing all day. And if you just barge in and say like, you can't do the dishes or whatever, then
00:29:03
Speaker
you know, he's not going to want to help or he's not going to have like a positive attitude toward you for a little while. And obviously this goes both ways. I think in some homes, the husband is the one who maybe is like,
00:29:17
Speaker
why does the house look like this? Or like why? He gets home from work. Yeah, he's like, why is this utter chaos? And I do think, you know, I speak mostly to wives and women and I do think there's an element of among millennials where it's like, all I have to do is survive my kids. And I just don't buy that narrative. I just don't, I won't, I won't even say it. I won't because I think that that's literally the lowest denominator. It's, it's the bottom bar and
00:29:47
Speaker
there's so much more for us as Christian parents where we can actually thrive and enjoy being parents, but you can't set the bar at survival. You have to set the bar at enjoyment to have something to move towards. And you have to work at your marriage and work at your parenthood and be intentional so that, I mean, it's been work, right? Like it's been hard work. Yeah. Like it's, it's a daily decision. And sometimes we're like, we get in bed and we're like,
00:30:17
Speaker
Gosh darn it. Why are we still having to do the same thing over and over and over and over again? But that's parenting. Or we stay up till 11 just so that we can have some time to ourselves. Then we're exhausted the next day. That happens too. That happens too. But you know, I think of the Lord going back to like the father heart of God, like how often does he do the same thing with us over and over and over until we grasp it and we become more like him?
00:30:46
Speaker
that's he's shaping us into who we're supposed to be and that's Christian parenting is on the Raising Cross Form Kids podcast we say that Christian kids are always a miracle but never an accident. You can't have you know these beautiful little disciples of Christ coming out of a home
00:31:08
Speaker
where there was no intentionality whatsoever. Certainly God can mercifully save people in their 20s and their 30s. You were saved in your 20s, but if you want to do as much as possible to raise these kids to know Jesus, and that means living it out in front of them and also parenting intentionally, even when it takes work and working at your marriage to give them that foundation.
00:31:32
Speaker
Well, we've covered how to get on the same page, some things we've done for that. We've talked about reactive parenting, reacting against our parents and healing from those
Addressing Parenting Disagreements
00:31:41
Speaker
wounds. As we wrap this up, let's talk about when your spouse is parenting in a way that you don't agree with. Or maybe they sin against a child by yelling at them or being overly harsh with them. Can you think of any ways we've handled this when we both have sinned against a child or
00:32:02
Speaker
Yeah. I know like, you know, when you've gotten like visibly irritated with them and are getting worked up, I've.
00:32:11
Speaker
I've suggested that you just like go down to the coffee shop or something, but it's in that moment, it's hard to like come across as positive or as an ally, you know, because you have to be very tactful with your words because typically when you sit against a child, your prey worked up. So you're like in fight mode.
00:32:40
Speaker
So the next person that tries to confront you is just, you know, possibly another child that's, or just another thing that's opposing you. So you can react even more and not receive what your spouse is trying to say. Right. Yeah. So I think, you know, it takes like a tactile approach for sure, but you know, they say soft words turn away.
00:33:11
Speaker
Yeah. So I think you just have to be like, just slow down. You try to like slow the other person down and, and just say like, Hey, like, you know, I know you're really worked up, like offer to help in a way that can just lighten the load.
00:33:32
Speaker
Um, and take them aside, don't correct them in front of the child. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I've been at fault for yelling at the kids and, you know, just getting angry when I'm confronting them about something. So you've had to say like, you know, tell them you love them. Like, you know, like let them know that you like, like you still care about them and aren't, you know, just mad at them because.
00:34:01
Speaker
And you don't want any scars to develop as they get older and they start developing baggage, really. Yeah. Yeah. We have full rights as husband and wife to speak into each other's parenting. And I think if there is one spouse
00:34:24
Speaker
who is like, no, you can't tell me how to parent. I know the best way all the time. There's a problem there because I mean, I know I can fall into that because I read more in general than Josh. I listen to more things than Josh so I can start to think that I
00:34:42
Speaker
just know better than Josh on how to parent our children in every single regard. And that's not true because he is following the Lord and he is their father and I know he's a good man. And so there are some things that he brings to the table that maybe he didn't read in a book, but they're still really true and good ways to parent. And so I think we have to make sure to check our pride at the door when it comes to being on the same page and parenting.
00:35:10
Speaker
as well and not just be like, well, this is the way we're parenting now and I'm telling you what to do. That's not a conversation. That's like, I've adopted this framework and this is what we're doing and you're gonna get on board with it. That's not teamwork. That's top down hierarchy. And to be honest, I see that a lot with wives where it's like, well, this is what we're doing now and you're just gonna get on board. And while I understand like,
00:35:38
Speaker
I understand that because I battle that. We're dismantling a lot of this unhealthy marriage hierarchy from years past. And when we act that way in marriage, we're actually setting that same unhealthy hierarchy right back up again.
00:35:54
Speaker
but without a name, just in our behavior. And so I have to remind myself, just because you read more books on this does not mean that you get to just like officiate the entire transition to your parenting style. So it's an open conversation for Josh and I, for sure. So as the conclusion of this, Josh, we have read a couple parenting books, or at least one parenting book,
00:36:20
Speaker
together that we enjoyed. And the way we read it was we just read one chapter a week by ourselves and then we kind of discussed it. Isn't that how we did it? Yeah. And the book was how to really love your child. It isn't, I wouldn't say it's super practical. Like it doesn't give a, well, it does give some really good examples, I guess.
00:36:42
Speaker
Yeah, it does tell a lot of stories of how children act out in different ways, and it explains that they do that because of XYZ. But typically, it goes back every time to the child's love tank not being full, and then just the different ways that can happen and how they might be acting out due to that.
00:37:11
Speaker
So that was super helpful to see that like, oh, like maybe it is just like a cry for attention. I mean, some kids, you know, they just always want attention or get too much, but when a child feels deprived and potentially neglected in the department of love, they do act out in specific ways trying to communicate that, even if they don't realize it.
00:37:40
Speaker
Yeah. So that book was helpful to us for sure. We've also talked to a lot of parents of adult children that we really admire and we've asked for help and insight from friends of ours. We see their children, we meet their children, we think, wow, like we really,
00:38:00
Speaker
respect these kids, let's talk to these parents and ask them, you know, what did they do? What were their priorities? And that's been huge. I think what a lot of families are missing today is they're not connected to a church community and in that church community because they're not connecting intergenerationally.
00:38:16
Speaker
with older families, older parents, they don't have anyone to ask about this stuff, especially if they didn't grow up with Christian homes. And so, but we don't actually read that many marriage, or excuse me, marriage or parenting books, I guess. We just do, you know, really ground ourselves in scripture, connect ourselves to community, and really ask the wise people in our lives, you know, how they did it.
00:38:42
Speaker
All right, well you guys, thanks for hanging with us for this episode. I will put the resources that I've mentioned in the show notes on the blog at FeliciaMasonHeimer.com. I also have included a new resource that's coming out December 1st from Jeannie Cunnion.
00:39:00
Speaker
It's called Never Alone Parenting by the Power of the Holy Spirit. I'm super excited to read it. I would love for you to read it with me, Josh. FYI, I'm volunteering you. And so that's coming out. Book Club. Yeah, Book Club. Two person book club. December 1st. And I'm going to link that in the show notes as well if you're looking for an upcoming parenting resource. Thanks for hanging with us and we'll be back next week with episode seven.
00:39:25
Speaker
Thank you for joining us for today's episode of Verity. You can connect with fellow listeners by following me on Instagram at Felicia Masonheimer or on our Facebook page by the same name. Also visit FeliciaMasonheimer.com for links to each episode and the show notes.