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028 | Women's Issues: Motherhood Culture
477 Plays4 years ago
In this episode we dive into the mommy wars: the toxic culture surrounding motherhood and its decisions. Specifically, this episode deals with asceticism and our view of suffering in motherhood. How does God sustain us in this season? Why do we act as if certain decisions are "holier" than others? Audio taken from IGTV video on Phylicia's Instagram.
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Transcript
Introduction to Verity Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Verity. I'm your host, Felicia Masonheimer, an author, speaker, and Bible teacher. This podcast will help you embrace the history and depth of the Christian faith, ask questions, seek answers, and devote yourself to becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. You don't have to settle for watered-down Christian teaching. And if you're ready to go deeper, God is just as ready to take you there. This is Verity, where every woman is a theologian.
Asceticism in Motherhood
00:00:31
Speaker
here. And in this video we are actually talking about a topic that's going to be streamed on the Verity Podcast discussing motherhood and how the gospel meets us in this issue that is so relevant to women. So specifically in this particular video slash episode we're going to be talking about asceticism. What is asceticism and how come it plagues so much of motherhood today both in the church and outside of the church?
00:01:02
Speaker
Now, what we're going to talk about is our theology of suffering and again, the definition of asceticism because you might not know what that means or what that looks like. And once I describe it, I think you're going to recognize it right away because a lot of us really struggle with this, especially as Christians.
00:01:21
Speaker
Now, this is kind of a follow up on what I talked about regarding breastfeeding. Now, as you guys know, I have a very particular experience with breastfeeding, but that's not really what this is about.
Identity and Parenting Conflicts
00:01:33
Speaker
This is a vehicle for the discussion because what we're going to talk about today in relation to motherhood and the gospel really plagues every single area of parenting decisions and motherhood in general.
00:01:46
Speaker
whether it is the kind of birth you had, how you feed your baby, how you parent your baby, how you teach your baby to sleep, etc. Whatever it is, most likely this issue is going to be relevant because the mommy wars exist precisely because of what we're talking about today.
00:02:03
Speaker
now obviously anywhere you have dissension and grief and anger and shame and all of those lovely things the gospel is going to address that right the gospel is going to speak to that because the gospel is not just for spiritual things it's for
00:02:20
Speaker
every person in their real lives. And so as moms, the gospel is particularly relevant. And this is why I love ministries like risen motherhood that constantly bring the gospel back into view in this area that those of us who have children are facing.
00:02:36
Speaker
And so why is this happening? I'm gonna start there. Why is this happening among moms? Why are there so many fights online? I've talked to several friends of mine who are just about to have kids, you know, they're pregnant or they're planning stages and they have said to me, I am just astonished at the things that are so controversial. I just asked an honest question and I'm being completely demolished because of what I'm hoping to do with my kids.
00:03:04
Speaker
And I said, well, prepare yourself because there's about a dozen more topics that you can't talk about either. And if you've ever been in a Facebook mom's group, you know that that can be very true. So why is this happening? Well, if, if you listen to the breastfeeding episode of the podcast, we talk about this, but I'm going to do a little recap here. Um, the reason this is happening has to do with identity, idolatry and legalism.
Worshiping Motherhood and Identity Issues
00:03:30
Speaker
So.
00:03:31
Speaker
the money wars actually exist because of a unique idolatry of our own children of our identity as moms and once you are worshiping that once you have that that particular worship you actually become what you worship and everything and every decision that goes into that becomes a part of who you are because you worship that thing so if we're not careful
00:03:56
Speaker
we can begin to actually worship our children, worship our identity as moms.
00:04:02
Speaker
And in a way, worship the decisions that we're making for our kids. Obviously we love our kids. Obviously we want what's best for them. But the problem comes when that best is your identity. Because when another mom has a different kind of best and a different kind of best decision in a way that she loves her kids, what's going to happen is you will ultimately feel threatened because your own identity is at stake.
00:04:30
Speaker
And so when we worship this identity as moms and it becomes who we are, then anytime someone else does something different and best is redefined in their family, we feel attacked. And this is why we see the mommy wars. Now what goes along with this though,
00:04:50
Speaker
is when you have an idol in your life, you also have to set up a form of ritual worship. And I know this sounds so crazy that we're talking about this in terms of mommy wars and mommy culture, but follow me here. You have to have a certain way of approaching that idol in your life. And so you have to set up some laws, some operating guidelines for yourself. And those guidelines become the measure for how you make your decisions, how you view
00:05:19
Speaker
what you're worshiping. It's legalism. We create our own laws for how you should parent and how you should do this and how you should do that and I've done the science, I've read everything about it and so therefore this is the only way, the best best best way even when there is science to back something up
00:05:37
Speaker
we cannot see any alternative when we have wrapped our identity up in that issue. We can't see that there might be a reason that someone would do something differently or we can't see that oh maybe something happened during her birth and she had to have a c-section or hey maybe she can't breastfeed or she doesn't want to and her baby is still getting the best alternative to breast milk.
00:06:03
Speaker
And that is fine and it's great. The problem is we can't say it's fine and great if our identity is in that decision. Because if what she did is just as valid as what I did, then maybe I'm not actually doing the best thing. We create our own new legalism that we then measure all of these other moms by and we say, well, they're not doing this, so they're not worthy.
00:06:30
Speaker
Now we would never say that they're not worthy of salvation. They're not worthy of Jesus in so many words, but in our actions and in our judgments and in the way we talk about it, we can present that idea that well, you know, you don't really love your kids the way that God wants you to love your kids because you don't co-sleep or because you use formula or you don't use formula or you breastfeed till they're two.
00:06:56
Speaker
When you're in these arenas, I'm in the crunchy world arena, the natural world, and so there's so much shame and guilt there, but you can see it anywhere else. You can be a long-term breastfeeder and have people shame you for not using formula. You can have it happen with natural birth versus C-section. You can have it happen if you sleep train. I have it happen to me a lot because we sleep train. It can happen in any arena because anywhere you have an idol, you will also have legalism.
00:07:25
Speaker
and anywhere you have your identity wrapped up in what you're worshipping, you're going to end up applying that legalism to other people. This is where motherhood is at in the world and it sneaks into the church.
00:07:38
Speaker
Because if you don't keep Jesus as king and as the one on the throne and you don't keep your kids in the right place in your life, you're going to fall into this trap. And so that's where we're at. I talked about that in the breastfeeding episode and we're going to be now moving into this theology of suffering in motherhood.
00:07:59
Speaker
Now, you guys know that I have talked about so many times that we need to be more positive about birth. And I am such an advocate for birth education, understanding pregnancy and birth rightly. I have a whole episode about that. But moving into then having children, I always say hard is not bad, right? Hard is not bad. We know that there are good things that come from the difficulties of motherhood. We should celebrate the good. We should be positive. We should talk about the positive.
00:08:27
Speaker
This doesn't mean there aren't hard things. We, my husband and I, we currently have three children. The youngest is almost four weeks old and right now we're trying to potty train our second child and our dog is barely potty trained. So we're like juggling all of this stuff right now and there have been some really exhausting days and nights. Does that mean it's bad? No.
00:08:52
Speaker
does not mean it's bad it just means that it's difficult and we're in a little bit of a sanctifying season right now and so that's what i'm going to focus on even though i'm tired even though you know i'm not sleeping a whole lot right now but when we talk about motherhood we can end up in one of two very extreme camps without realizing it and we can justify one of these even with scripture so the one camp
00:09:20
Speaker
is kind of what we are reacting against. And this is selfish motherhood. This is motherhood that's like, well, I'm going to do what I'm going to want to do and you know, whatever and everybody else and see you kids I'm shopping. It's kind of this caricature of this selfish suburban mom that I'm not sure how often exists. I'm sure she does exist, but it's kind of this person that none of us want to be. And so what can end up happening is women actually swing to this extreme
00:09:50
Speaker
on the other side of the pendulum. They ride the pendulum over to the other side. And what happens is they become their own martyr in a way. They start to feel guilty for any time they take off.
00:10:05
Speaker
they they don't feel like they can get a babysitter or that they can go out for coffee by themselves or ask their husband to help if he's not noticing things or that you know maybe they can't stop breastfeeding because they have to make it to a year or they have to make it through the natural birth without an epidural because they they just gotta do it it's the best thing or whatever else it is any arena this can happen anywhere or
00:10:30
Speaker
You know, they aren't going to pursue a sleep coach because you know what? The only loving thing you can do is for your baby to wake you up through the night until they're six. There's nothing else you can do about it. And sleep deprivation is a badge of honor or vice versa.
00:10:46
Speaker
any area there can be this legalism and guilt that follows us.
Misconceptions About Suffering
00:10:52
Speaker
And what we do is we can actually say, we can actually use scripture and say, well, this is my suffering and I'm more Christ-like because I'm suffering for my kids. I've actually had people tell me this, that it's more Christ-like to breastfeed because it's more sacrificial. So if I stop, which most of you know that I'm stepping at six weeks this time,
00:11:14
Speaker
If I stop, then I'm not willing to lay myself down for my kids. I'm not willing to do something difficult and show my kids that I love them. Now you might be like, I would never say that to somebody and that's awesome. But are you believing that? Are you believing that in an area of your motherhood that the more I suffer, the more loving I am, the harder my motherhood is, the more God is pleased with me, the more I'm like God.
00:11:41
Speaker
What this is, this view of God is not actually scriptural at all. It is not in scripture. This idea that you need to pursue difficulty or pursue hardship or trial and that God is more pleased by that is asceticism, not a correct theology of suffering. See, in scripture what we see is that trials are permitted by God and motherhood actually brings a lot of trials with it.
00:12:11
Speaker
Right? There are difficulties that we are never going to be able to escape. Hard things. I have an autoimmune disease that was brought on by pregnancy. That's a trial that I didn't expect. I really couldn't escape it. It just happened. Right? And these are consequences of a fallen world that God is present with us in that. Right?
00:12:29
Speaker
Now, the thing about suffering is God sustains for what he permits. So you know how when Paul said, his grace is sufficient for me, for his power is made perfect in my weakness. Paul had asked God three times to remove his suffering and God said, I'm not going to remove it, but I am going to give you my grace to sustain you.
00:12:49
Speaker
now here's the thing do you know that phrase that says you know worry is borrowing from tomorrow i'm butchering the phrase but worry is like borrowing from tomorrow it's the same with suffering if you go and and pursue difficulty in your motherhood and you say like i have to do this because this is the best thing and and i no way out and you know what it's really hard but
00:13:13
Speaker
That means that it's holier or better or God is more pleased or I'm a better parent because of it. The harder it is, the better it is. What we're effectively doing when we're anxious and upset and we're emotional and depressed over that, we have to ask ourselves, is that actually what God is calling you to do for your kids?
00:13:33
Speaker
Or is that what you have picked up and you have decided you're going to do? Because God gives grace for the trials he permits. God gives grace for what he's called you to do. He equips you for the things he calls you to do. But if you go and find something and you decide that's what you're gonna do and you are struggling so much mentally and emotionally in that, you have to ask yourself, did God call me to do this? Or is God giving me freedom to stop?
00:14:01
Speaker
and this is where some people don't wanna hear this, but these issues are not moral issues. Natural birth is not a moral issue. Breastfeeding is not a moral issue. You cannot say that somebody who chooses not to do these things is in sin. We can't say that. And so when we take our little ruler of this is what perfect motherhood is and the ideal thing for your kid and niece, hold it up against people, what we're doing is we are being legalists.
00:14:29
Speaker
And that's a really hard word. And all of us have to keep that in mind when we're talking about this. I love being a home birth mom. I love natural birth. And if somebody was like, I'm considering a natural birth, I'd be like, can I give you all the resources? Let me help you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just like people do to me when they love breastfeeding, right? But what I have to remember is, is God calling them to a home birth?
00:14:54
Speaker
is God calling them to this? Is this what God is specifically leading them to? Because God specifically leads on this stuff, you guys. And if God is not calling you to that and bringing you to that, then
00:15:08
Speaker
It's not my place to say that's what you should be doing. God actually specifically leads in areas of motherhood too and in areas of parenting. That's why we see so many different things among Christians. And that is what people don't understand because if you don't understand walking by the spirit, you're not going to understand how people can end up doing different things and how it can look different family to family under the umbrella of Orthodoxy.
00:15:35
Speaker
One of my primary missions with the Verity podcast is to supply theology in an approachable and understandable way for the new believer or the long-time disciple of Christ. I know that theology can be overwhelming and sometimes it feels like you don't know what book to pick up or where to even start. And that is why I wrote Theology Basics.
00:15:57
Speaker
Theology Basics is not a systematic theology. It's not a book that is going to weigh as much as a dictionary. It's just a simple ebook that introduces the concepts and basic fundamental principles of theology on the nature of God, the nature of man, authority of scripture, and salvation.
00:16:16
Speaker
So if you're starting out and you don't know where to begin, this would be a great resource for you. Theology Basics is only $10 on my website in our shop and it's available all the time. So if you head to FeliciaMasonHounder.com, you can click on shop and you'll find Theology Basics as well as my other eBooks all available right there.
00:16:39
Speaker
I hope that Theology Basics opens a door to your excitement and curiosity about what it means to be a Christian and how to truly understand what it is that we believe. Okay, so we've established that Christ sustains for the trials that He permits. He walks with you through those. Suffering in trials in a corrected biblical theology of suffering, they are not consequences of sin either, right? We don't sin and then say, oh, God has permitted this suffering.
00:17:09
Speaker
No, if you sin and you have a consequence, that's a consequence of sin. He's letting you walk through and it's not a trial, it's what happened because of a sinful choice. So trials are separate from that. And the book of Job really breaks this down. And as I said before,
00:17:25
Speaker
Peace characterizes the trials that we face. Now we might fight for that peace, but God brings that peace in those trials. He says, I'm sufficient for you. I'm walking with you. But when we go and we pick up things that he did not call us to pick up, and we put ourselves through something that he did not ask us to do, or maybe he's saying, this is a freedom thing. You don't have to do this. You can do it or you don't. Either way, it's
00:17:52
Speaker
A lot of these decisions that are so divisive in the motherhood world are things that we are adding laws to. We are not seeing that God is saying, this is freedom. You can decide to do this or not to do this. And it doesn't mean you don't love your child. Okay, so let's talk about asceticism then.
Understanding Asceticism
00:18:12
Speaker
What is asceticism? It is a self-chosen difficulty or a persecution of yourself
00:18:20
Speaker
for the sake of greater spirituality. And I'm going to read you a little description of this. Rodesthetics renounce worldly pleasures that distract from spiritual growth and enlightenment and live a life of abstinence, austerity, and extreme self-denial. They believe that holiness can reside only in the spiritual realm and all physical matter is evil. They don't necessarily believe that flesh is evil, but they do go to great lengths to deny the flesh in order to transform the mind or free the spirit.
00:18:48
Speaker
Asceticism has historically involved fasting, heat and cold, sleep deprivation, flagellation, whipping oneself, and more. So clearly, most people be like, I'm not getting a whip out and whipping myself. Well, of course not. But are you making decisions in motherhood that you believe are better because they're harder? Because what that says about your theology of God is that God prefers when you're suffering.
00:19:16
Speaker
and that he is less pleased when you are full of joy, or he is less pleased when you take an easier road. Remember, we're talking non sin issues right now. So when you're taking the easier road on something that's not a sin issue, God is not less pleased with you. God is just as pleased with you. Whether you choose to stop breastfeeding because of your mental health,
00:19:43
Speaker
or you choose to get an epidural after 12 hours of hard labor as he would be if you made it through that labor or you breastfed till one year. And I know that some of you might be getting all wiggly inside. I get it. I'm in the crunchy natural birthing world.
00:20:01
Speaker
You'd be like, well, there's so many benefits. Yeah, there are, there are so many benefits, but you know what? We live in a fallen world and it doesn't always work. And we have freedom of choice on non sin issues. And that has to be something that we emphasize. So another thing about asceticism is that it's not spirit led. The Holy Spirit does not lead you to this. It's legalistic and it believes ultimately that enjoying life
00:20:29
Speaker
It is lesser, it's lesser value to God. And that hard is good, easy is bad. This often comes with anxiety, jealousy, and superiority. This idea that we are better than.
00:20:44
Speaker
And a couple of the things that we can verbally whip ourselves with are I'm better because I sacrifice more. I'm more loving because I have less sleep. I'm guilty or anxious if I stop or I take a break or I go on a date or I go out with my husband. So my husband and I, we go on a date within the first six weeks of a child's life. But other people choose not to do that. That's totally fine. But I have had people say that it's selfish
00:21:12
Speaker
if I got a babysitter within those first six weeks. Well, why is it selfish? Why would that be selfish? You know, what about that is selfish if my baby's cared for and taken care of and being watched by people who love them and I'm going out with my husband and cultivating that marriage relationship. What about that is selfish? But when we have this measure and we use it against other people, what we're doing is we're actually speaking from resentment and we're speaking from bitterness
00:21:41
Speaker
Because perhaps in our motherhood, we don't want to make time for that. Or we are driven by guilt, maybe. And so we feel too guilty to go on a date. And so we resent the woman who didn't feel guilty and went on a date. Do you see how crazy this is?
00:21:59
Speaker
This is not scriptural and not biblical. There is freedom on these issues. And so if someone decides not to go on a date till their child is seven months old, that's totally fine. But you can't judge the woman who does go on a date within the first month of her child's life and say that she's not loving because what you did was harder than what she did. Okay? So this kind of division goes away when we recognize, where's my identity?
Identity and Law in Motherhood
00:22:24
Speaker
What am I worshiping?
00:22:26
Speaker
Am I applying a law to someone else that actually doesn't apply to them? Am I considering that my decisions are supposed to be led by the spirit and that means that the spirit might lead someone differently than me? Those are things that we have to be considering.
00:22:42
Speaker
And honestly, I think if we rejected this asceticism, rejected this unbiblical guilt and shame, we would see less postpartum anxiety, less postpartum depression, or at least lasting as long as it does. Okay, obviously this isn't a complete solution because a lot of that's hormonal.
00:22:59
Speaker
but there are still many elements that make it worse and so many moms are saying I feel unsupported or I feel like I never sleep but I feel like this and this well because they're making so many decisions out of guilt and comparison and shame and the idea that if it's harder it's better so if it's harder and I'm more miserable and I'm maxed out and I'm exhausted then I'm doing the right thing the I'm more Christ like the more I'm suffering the more I must be on the right track
00:23:28
Speaker
You guys, there are hard suffering type of things that happen in motherhood, but they do not necessarily mean that you have to keep going in that. You don't necessarily have to suffer to be a good mom. There will be seasons of hardship and seasons of easy, and easy is just as pleasing to God as the hardest, as long as you're walking with him and walking in his leading. We do not have to martyr ourselves in order to please him.
00:23:58
Speaker
If God wants you to be a martyr, the martyrs in scripture, let's talk about the real physical martyrs. They didn't go into it saying, I want to die for God. It was, I'm going to follow God where he leads me. And if he leads me to die in a lion's den, I will die. But they weren't out there looking for lion's dens to die in.
Embracing Freedom in Motherhood
00:24:20
Speaker
We do not have to martyr ourselves as moms. We do have to follow God's word and his leading and his call, the Spirit's leading, so that we can see, okay, you know what? This is a hard season. God's gonna sustain me in it. And you know what?
00:24:35
Speaker
don't care what anybody thinks I'm gonna go on a date with my husband or I'm going to breastfeed till my child's three and Aunt Susie can stop making comments. It doesn't matter. It's my freedom issue or I'm gonna co-sleep and I've researched it and that's my decision and this is not an arrogant way like get out of my face. It's not an arrogant way of presenting this. It's simply I'm at peace in my decision
00:25:00
Speaker
And I know that what I'm doing is a freedom issue. So if someone else does something differently, I'm not gonna feel threatened. I'm not going to feel threatened by the fact that her best, her best choice for her kid is not the same as my best choice. And this is why things like breast is best aren't always helpful long term. Oh, here's little Mr. Meena. Hi, buddy.
00:25:29
Speaker
So you guys get to actually see him in action. He's a loud little guy. But one of the things like, when you think about this, I want to get in the back with a purple. Why don't you think about this? Because I'm like living this in front of you right now. The sacrifice of, oh, I'm being interrupted as I'm working to take care of my baby. Oh my goodness. What a sacrifice.
00:25:55
Speaker
You know, those are things that are just a part of motherhood. They're a part of what we do because we love and we care for our kids. But when we exaggerate that into a trial, oh, you know, I can't get anything done, you know, because I have my kids. Well, let's ask a question of ourselves in that moment. Am I taking the steps that I can control? Am I
00:26:22
Speaker
Am I, you know, prioritizing the things that make it possible for me to do some of what I want to do? So for instance, in my personal life, I feel better as a mom if I get up, do my makeup, it takes me 10 minutes and get dressed for the day, even though it's leggings and a cardigan and a nursing tank top. I feel better if I do that.
00:26:45
Speaker
So am I going to pretend that I'm a victim of my kid and say like, oh, I can't do that because I have kids and you know, I'm just being Christlike here suffering because of my kids and complain about it and be negative about it. Or I can say, you know what? I'm going to find a way during this next nap to just do my makeup really quick and get dressed so that I feel better. Do you see the difference here?
00:27:11
Speaker
There's genuine suffering. And then there is, you know what? If I can, I'm going to make this happen. If I can't, I'll be a piece of it, but I'm going to choose to make it a priority for me. That's something that's important for you. It might be something else. But the point here is we're not aesthetics. We're not people who are out in the desert whipping ourselves and starving ourselves and walking around naked because all man, I had kids instead.
00:27:39
Speaker
We can say, you know what, I probably will get interrupted while I put on my makeup. It will be different than it was when I was single and had no kids. It will be different than when I was first married, but...
00:27:51
Speaker
I'm still going to make it a priority because God is not hoping that I'm going to martyr myself. God is not more pleased if I go without more things. And so my encouragement to you is, no, you don't have to be Felicia who prefers more of a scheduled day, who likes to wear makeup, who has home births, but whatever decisions you are making, remember a couple of things. God is not more pleased by the hard than he is pleased by the easy.
00:28:21
Speaker
He loves you. He loves you. And if he wants you to do something hard, he'll lead you in that. He will direct you and he'll guide you and he'll sustain you in that. He's not going to sustain you though if you're out picking out sufferings that he never called you to. He will sustain you if you ask him to, but what he'll tell you in your relationship with him is
00:28:45
Speaker
I didn't ask this of you. Why are you so anxious? Why are you so guilt ridden? Why are you so full of shame about this? Did I ask you to do this? Did I ask you to put yourself through this or to deny yourself in this way? The idea that the more I deny myself, the better mom I am until we burn out and we're angry and resentful. What about that is scriptural?
00:29:10
Speaker
What about that is the joy of the Lord? And so I want to conclude this by reading a couple verses. In scripture we see a couple things about genuine suffering. 1 Peter 5 says that God confirms, restores, strengthens, and establishes for the trials that he permits. Romans 5 says that true suffering leads to endurance and good character. James 1 says that our testing makes us mature. And John 16 33 says that
00:29:37
Speaker
There are trials in this world and we will experience tribulation, but there will be peace. There will be peace because Christ overcomes. Now, regarding joy, what does the Bible say about enjoying life? Proverbs 17, 22 says, a joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries off the bones.
00:29:59
Speaker
Whosever felt like dried up bones, a crushed spirit, I think we can make choices in our life and we can sustain a theology that actually crushes our own spirit instead of letting God give us a joyful heart that is brought into our motherhood. I enjoy being a mom. I enjoy it. But I do think that there is an aspect of that that is because I do take time
00:30:22
Speaker
do things that I enjoy and I feel completely free from guilt to do that. To get dressed, put on makeup, to go on a date with my husband, get a babysitter. I do sleep train my babies and so I tend to sleep through the night sooner and that's a part of our family lifestyle and a choice that we make for their health and ours. And so those are things that we do in my home
00:30:46
Speaker
that help me be a joyful mom. For you, it may be very different, but these are freedom issues, remember. And we get to enjoy that instead of thinking, oh, if I choose the harder road, then God will be more pleased or I'll be a better mom. Another verse that we see is 1 Peter 3.10, which says, whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking to see. So we focus on the keeping the tongue from evil, right?
00:31:15
Speaker
But notice that it says people are desiring to love life and see good days.
Joy and Peace in Motherhood
00:31:22
Speaker
Do you want to love life and see good days? Because clearly this is a desire that God expects. And he says, here's how to get there. You know, choose righteousness and you will love life and you will see good days. You can want to see good days as a mom. You can want to love your life and be happy. We have so reacted against this shallow Christianity, this like, just be happy. God just wants you to be happy. We react against that and now we're
00:31:52
Speaker
unconsciously adopting this theology that says, God just wants you to be miserable. That's not, that's not what the God of joy wants. That's not what the God of joy wants. He doesn't want you to be in sin, but he also doesn't want you to be miserable. He's the author of joy. And I think this verse really sums it up. It says, Psalm 16 11, you make known to me the path of life and in your presence there is fullness of joy.
00:32:22
Speaker
Fullness of joy. So if in God there is fullness of joy, then why would he be anti-joy? Anti-happiness. You know that the word blessed means happy? So anywhere you see the word blessed in scripture, one of the other interpretations of it is happy is the one who, like in the Beatitudes.
00:32:45
Speaker
And lastly, John 16, 24, Jesus said, until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask and you will receive that your joy may be full. This means we always spiritualize this. Oh, ask for the big things. Ask to be holy. Yeah, that's true. And he wants us to be holy. That is a way to joy.
00:33:04
Speaker
But you know, you can ask about other things too. I talk about praying specifically all the time how important it is to pray specifically because then you get to see God's faithfulness and that makes your joy be full. You can pray for things specifically over your birth, over your motherhood, over your postpartum. It's not always answered. It's not always easy. You guys have seen me walk through an autoimmune disease, but
00:33:29
Speaker
It doesn't mean I don't pray for it. And it doesn't mean I don't have joy because God is the fullness of joy. So what I want you to take away from this is hard is not bad. Hard is not bad. Motherhood has hard moments, but we also do not need to intentionally choose hard to please God. You have the freedom to make some choices.
00:33:55
Speaker
that bring you joy, bring your family peace, that remove anxiety, that help you rest. The better mom is not the more burnt out mom. You may be a good mom who sometimes is burnt out, but burnt out is not the badge that says, I'm awesome. The last thing I want to mention
00:34:20
Speaker
I hear this phrase sometimes, especially in the birth world, usually directed towards natural birth moms like myself. And they say, there's no trophy for a natural birth. There's no trophy for going through pain.
00:34:34
Speaker
I've heard people say the same thing, there's no trophy for breastfeeding to one year. And what it really is, what this phrase is, is it's resentment and insecurity talking, which goes back to what we talked about at the beginning, about your identity being wrapped up in your kids and in your choices, because you worship that, your idolatry is in your family. And therefore you resent anybody who might say, oh, I've had a natural birth and I'm really proud of myself for making it.
00:35:02
Speaker
Well, there's no trophy for that, you know, or I breastfed till one year. I breastfed till two years and I'm really proud of myself for making it. Well, there's no trophy for that. It's resentment and insecurity. And so how do we deal with that? How do we process that? Well, here's the thing. For me personally, there is a trophy for having three successful unmedicated births. That to me was something I was proving to myself.
00:35:29
Speaker
something that I really wanted to do and that has been an incredibly spiritual experience for me. For someone else who really, really wanted to breastfeed and they made it to a year, they made it to two years, there can be a trophy for breastfeeding. She proved to herself that she could do it. The problem is when we try to steal other people's trophies because we feel threatened by their decision.
00:35:57
Speaker
So yes, don't martyr yourself over freedom issues and don't try to steal someone else's joy by downplaying something that was important to them. But you have to be secure in yourself in order to not do that. You have to be able to listen quietly to the story of someone's birth that went the way yours didn't and not need to knock their trophy down in order to feel better about yourself.
00:36:25
Speaker
I have to be secure enough to hear my friends talk about breastfeeding long-term and love it and be like, no, I stopped at six weeks and I'm really happy about that. I have to be able to do that. And the only way we can be able to do that is if we are not worshiping our motherhood. And a big part of this too is empathy and sensitivity. I have several friends who've had very traumatic births. I have several friends who most likely will have scheduled C-sections that they did not want.
00:36:55
Speaker
Do I hop in their living room and talk about my home births and my natural births and how great it was and how it's so spiritual and I just can't imagine doing it any other way? No. I think about the fact that they have a different journey and I can enjoy the fact that I had my natural births and that I did prove something to myself. I can enjoy that in my own world, on my own blog.
00:37:20
Speaker
but I don't need to go and put that on other people. If somebody wants tips on it, wants help with it, I'm there. Just like people who love breastfeeding are there when somebody wants help and tips and et cetera. The only way for peace in between moms in this world is through the gospel and the gospel destroys idolatry and legalism.
Rejecting Asceticism for Christ-Centered Theology
00:37:45
Speaker
It all centers on Christ.
00:37:47
Speaker
Who is the king of our life? Who do we serve? Who do we worship? Do we worship our kids? Do we worship the badge of honor as the most exhausted, most burnt out mom? Or do we worship the king? And remember that we're all in one community. We're all part of this one community, supporting one another. You might not always understand, I obviously can't
00:38:15
Speaker
a natural birth, they might not know what that's like. And even more so, it's important in those moments to be more curious than trophy stealing or trophy punching, which I think is more of what's happening here. So again, hard is not bad, but we also do not need to intentionally choose hard than. Choose hard to please God. That is asceticism and it is not a theology of suffering.
00:38:45
Speaker
So this particular recording of this video will be in IDTV. And I believe this will clarify some of what is discussed in the breastfeeding episode, which touches on asceticism, but doesn't get into it in detail. I hope this encouraged you guys and gave you some things to think about, maybe some things to dismantle the mommy wars a little bit and know more of why it's happening. Idolatry, legalism, asceticism. We don't have to be martyrs to be good moms.
00:39:14
Speaker
Thank you for joining us for today's episode of Verity. You can connect with fellow listeners by following me on Instagram at Felicia Masonheimer or on our Facebook page by the same name. Also visit FeliciaMasonheimer.com for links to each episode and the show notes.