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002 | Cultivating a Lasting Community | Theology AMA
858 Plays5 years ago
The reality is faith in the living God has always been communal. When we understand that and begin to embrace it, we begin to grasp the importance of community as Christians.
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Transcript
Introduction to Verity Podcast by Felicia Masonheimer
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Verity. I'm your host, Felicia Masonheimer, an author, speaker, and Bible teacher. This podcast will help you embrace the history and depth of the Christian faith, ask questions, seek answers, and devote yourself to becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. You don't have to settle for watered-down Christian teaching. And if you're ready to go deeper, God is just as ready to take you there. This is Verity, where every woman is a theologian.
Impact of High School Experiences on Community Views
00:00:30
Speaker
Anyone else not cool in high school? Because that was for sure me. Now, those of you who weren't homeschooled might have some idea that all homeschoolers are uncool. Not true. There are definitely cool homeschoolers, but I was not one of them.
00:00:47
Speaker
And as I look back on my high school years, I can see some reasons why that was happening. But I can tell you this, that my years spent as the uncool left out person have been so influential in my view of community today. So in one sense, I'm grateful for them, though I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
00:01:13
Speaker
But I really see those years spent where I was left out or made fun of as an opportunity for me to cultivate a heart for community.
The Importance of Communal Faith in Christianity
00:01:25
Speaker
And that is what today's podcast episode is about. We're talking about how to cultivate community, how to have a heart for hospitality and opening our door to the people in our world and in our church.
00:01:41
Speaker
Now, if this is a struggle for you, I understand completely. As I said, I was left out in high school and even in college, I really struggled with female relationships in particular. And now if you've met me and you've met some of our wonderful community of friends here, that might surprise you, but it's the reality. And I think part of the reason that Josh and I have cultivated community so intentionally now is because of our respective experiences in friendships
00:02:09
Speaker
and the importance that we see in being surrounded by godly people and reaching out to people who don't know Christ yet. This is a vital conversation and it's because Scripture is clear in both the Old Testament and the New that Christianity is not a faith for island people.
00:02:31
Speaker
It's not a faith meant to be lived out alone. It's not individualistic. It's not American in that sense. Americans can tend to be extremely individualistic and believe that it's a personal faith and as a personal faith, it doesn't involve anybody else. I think that's why we see a lot of people departing from the church, but reality is
00:02:54
Speaker
Faith in the living God has always been communal. From when it was in the theocracy of Israel, all the way to today as the Gentiles are grafted into that promise, it is a communal faith.
Personal Struggles with Insecurity and Community
00:03:06
Speaker
And when we understand that and embrace it, we begin to grasp the importance of community as Christians.
00:03:12
Speaker
So, my own struggle with female relationships particularly began in high school and college because I really desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked and I think that made me more insecure or rather my insecurity made me act in ways that
00:03:28
Speaker
made it difficult to make friends because that's how it works and partially because I was insecure and also because I was being left out I became very critical and judgmental as kind of a defense mechanism against the girls who were leaving me out and so it became this perfect storm of me being so judgy and critical I wasn't attracting friends but I was doing that because I didn't have a ton of friends in the first place or I didn't have
00:03:56
Speaker
friends who were gracious. I attracted critical people like me. So it becomes this really unhealthy toxic cycle built on insecurity and built on trying to find your identity in what people think of you. So I lived plenty of years in that world and I can't tell you enough how wonderful it is to be free from that.
00:04:18
Speaker
Because when you are free from that, when Jesus sets you free from insecurity-based relationships and seeking the approval of people, you have a solid community.
Barriers to Lasting Relationships: Fear, Insecurity, Pride
00:04:28
Speaker
So what keeps us from lasting relationships? Since we touched on insecurity, I want to talk about the three things that keep us from lasting relationships. These are in Stop Calling Me Beautiful in chapter 9 or page 150, if you guys want to refer to it later. But the first thing that keeps us from the relationships God wants for our souls is fear.
00:04:53
Speaker
Fear of what others think of us. Fear of man. And I don't mean fear of guys, I just mean fear of humankind and their opinions of us. When we reverence people more than God, we'll be more terrified of rejection by people.
00:05:10
Speaker
then we are embracing the acceptance of God. So when we let fear dictate our relationships, we can't have functional relationships. The second thing that keeps us from lasting community is insecurity, which I touched on. We aren't secure in our place in the world. If we aren't secure in that,
00:05:32
Speaker
If we aren't secure in our purpose or our identities, we will feel threatened by the people around us. We'll be in competition with them. I love that hashtag that says community over competition. Well, that's true, but it's not possible if your heart isn't changed. If you aren't resting securely in your purpose in Christ, you can manufacture it temporarily, but it's not going to be an inner transformation if you don't allow Christ to do that in your heart.
00:06:00
Speaker
The third thing that keeps us from lasting relationships is pride. We don't want to be accountable. We don't want people to know our deepest secrets and struggles, even if exposing them would bring freedom. So we would rather live in bondage than be vulnerable. And vulnerability is the basis of any healthy community.
00:06:18
Speaker
So these three things keep us from lasting relationships.
Biblical Teachings on the Value of Community
00:06:22
Speaker
We see it in scripture, but we also can see it right in my life. You know, I've lived this myself and I can tell you that the relationships I had in my early 20s, a lot of them were unhealthy or I was blessed with healthy people who saw past my emotional unhealth and my spiritual unhealth.
00:06:44
Speaker
They stayed with me and they strove with me, but it wasn't easy because I was so bound up in this fear and pride and insecurity.
00:06:54
Speaker
So I want to look at a passage, one that you're probably familiar with. It's Ecclesiastes 4, 9 through 10, very commonly read at weddings during the sand pouring or candle lighting ceremonies. It says, two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
00:07:21
Speaker
So we have assigned this verse to romantic relationships. I'm not sure that's wise. While it does apply to marriage, I don't know that Solomon was actually referencing romantic relationships when he used this analogy. He was more likely just talking about two people in general, friends.
00:07:46
Speaker
maybe romantic partners, but mostly friends. And when we only read this in context of romance, we can forget that healthy, godly community is supposed to be just as supportive as a healthy, godly marriage.
00:08:04
Speaker
And this is a whole other topic for another day, but I honestly believe that life would be a lot easier for singles if we change the narrative around passages like this. Because if you only hear about this in terms of marriage, it can be very isolating and lonely to be a single person who's supposed to find community to buy their time until they have this one person who can walk with them and pick them up when they fall down.
00:08:30
Speaker
But imagine if you're a single walking in healthy community with people who walk beside you and pick you up and carry your burdens. That's what the Christian church is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a place for the singles and the widows and the marrieds. You know, it's not supposed to be this. We're looking to marriage to provide a community that we never had.
00:08:54
Speaker
I think that's why we have a lot of struggles in marriages, where wives and husbands go into it thinking that this one person is going to fulfill every relationship they should be having in their lives. No, you're supposed to be in community with a variety of people, so we can carry one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.
00:09:14
Speaker
So a little bit of a turn on the head for Ecclesiastes 4, but I do want to for sure be thinking about that because I really think it would empower us to a healthier community. The other verse I want to bring up is Proverbs 18.1 which says, he who isolates himself seeks his own desire and breaks out against sound judgment.
00:09:38
Speaker
Wow, it's kind of a bold statement, but isolating ourselves is the opposite of good decision making because it has an impact on our character.
00:09:51
Speaker
Another verse that is relevant to this conversation you're very familiar with, Proverbs 27, 17. Iron sharpens iron and so one person sharpens another. This is why isolating ourselves is such a big deal. This is why being in community affects our character. Because healthy Christians sharpen one another for the tasks God has called them to.
Overcoming Challenges in Church Communities
00:10:16
Speaker
So I live in northern Michigan. This area has a lot of historical locations, including Fort Michelin Mackinac, which is near the Mackinac Bridge. And at the fort, you can actually go and see a blacksmith working. It's the coolest thing. And when a blacksmith is working,
00:10:33
Speaker
You watch him heat the metal and then pound this hot metal with the pressure of a hammer against an anvil to mold it into the shape that it needs to be, usually so it can become a useful tool. So this is the imagery the author of Proverbs is giving us, that iron is sharpening iron, sharpening more so than shaping, but
00:10:55
Speaker
When a blacksmith is heating this metal to white hot and then pounding it with his metal hammer, that doesn't feel super great at the time, I imagine, if I was a piece of metal. But it shapes it and it gives it purpose and it gives it sharpness and it makes it effective. That's what community does. Godly community shapes us and makes us effective.
00:11:19
Speaker
This is what Godly friendships do. Being in relationships does open us up to a risk. It can open us up to the pain of a pounding, but a loving friend is not going to rebuke you unnecessarily. That sharpening is a vital part of our growth, and it's why we need Christian community so much.
00:11:40
Speaker
Now since we're talking about Christian community we have to take a moment to address church hurt because church hurt is a real thing and a lot of people are walking through it. Some people take their power to sharpen and instead they use it to cut.
00:11:57
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They use it to injure people. They use it to slice them with their words, to gossip about them, to influence them and manipulate them. This is not godly. This is not okay in God's eyes. It's sin. But it's also not new.
00:12:13
Speaker
So we see in the New Testament admonitions to unity, admonitions to not quarrel or slander. So clearly this was something that people struggled with right from the beginning of the church. And that should be encouraging to us because it means that humanity has always struggled with this, but Christ has always been able to overcome it when we walk by the Spirit and not according to the flesh.
00:12:36
Speaker
So, I have a couple passages here from the early church leaders talking about this issue. 1 Peter 4 says, Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
00:12:51
Speaker
has each has received a gift, use it to serve one another as stewards of God's varied grace. I love that. It's absolutely beautiful how when we're loving one another, we're using it to serve one another.
00:13:07
Speaker
Next is Hebrews 10, which says, let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day drawing near. This is another call to meet together, to be in community so that you can stir one another up, not to dissension, not to slander, not to anger, not to legalism, but to love and good works.
00:13:34
Speaker
And lastly, Romans 12.10 says, love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. This is the heart of the Gospel in these relationships, in the heart of imperfect people seeking unity. Love one another. It's so hard, you guys.
00:13:54
Speaker
It's so hard. Josh and I hadn't really been in any leadership capacity in our church until in the last couple of years. We've been in a lot of different churches because we've moved frequently, changed denominations a couple times, but finally have been more involved in leadership. And it wasn't until that happened that we began to see how dramatic relationships can be in the church.
00:14:18
Speaker
And it can be kind of discouraging. I remember one particular week I went into the coffee shop where my sister was working and I told her, I just want this situation to be over. It was just one of the most dramatic, wearying situations I'd ever had to deal with. And she turned to me and said, well, I guess God probably wants our sin to be over too.
00:14:40
Speaker
And I thought, oh my word, that's a heart check right there because yes, God wants my sin to be over. Is my sin over? No. He deals with it every single day. And so my call is to bear the burden
00:14:55
Speaker
alongside my community of faith, to bear with these people, to strive with them, to show them the grace God has given me, to love them as God has loved me. John 15 says, This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
00:15:16
Speaker
You know how we often think of that verse in terms of like laying down our physical life? Like, I would die for you. What if we reframe that and really thought, I'm laying down my time. I'm laying down my feelings. I'm laying down what I want to love you, my community. It would change everything. It would change everything.
00:15:41
Speaker
I think all of us have been at a women's conference where we were told, you are a beautiful daughter of the Most High King.
00:15:49
Speaker
And it's true, but it's not the whole truth. The beauty of being God's daughter has some backstory and it's left out in a lot of messages preached to women. So if you're tired of hearing the watered down Christian teaching and you're hungry for a deeper spiritual life, I have something for you. Coming so soon with a launch date of February 18th is my brand new book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, finding soul deep strength in a skin deep world.
00:16:18
Speaker
Stop Calling Me Beautiful is a book about going deeper with God. I'm going to talk about pursuing the truths of who God is and who we are in relationship to Him, how to study scripture, how legalism, shallow theology, and false teaching keep us from living boldly as a woman of the Word. I'm so excited to put this book in your hands. If you're ready to pre-order, you can grab your copy on Amazon, or for more information, head to my website FeliciaMasonheimer.com and click the book tab.
00:16:49
Speaker
So Christian community takes some work and I'm going to give you a couple practical tips for this. But before I do, I want to just quickly touch on boundaries. What I'm teaching you about community in this episode doesn't mean we just let extremely toxic people run all over us. Love is not the opposite of healthy boundaries. In fact, healthy boundaries are a reflection of love with people who are unrepentant and are unsafe.
00:17:17
Speaker
or abusive in some way. We need to have healthy boundaries with
Practical Advice for Building Community
00:17:21
Speaker
those people. And if you need a book recommendation for this, there is a great book. I will put it in the show notes for you because at the moment I am, oh, I remember his name, Gary Thomas.
00:17:33
Speaker
Gary Thomas wrote The Sacred Search and Sacred Marriage, two excellent books. And he just came out with a book on toxic relationships and the biblical way to set boundaries with those people. So I highly recommend it. And that would be a good start for creating boundaries with people who are unrepentant and who aren't willing to walk with the Lord in restoration and reconciliation. So I wanted to touch on that before we move into the practicals of creating community.
00:18:01
Speaker
So I have four things that will help you to cultivate community. This is something that Josh and I have actively done for the last five years, but specifically since we moved back to Michigan the last three years because now we're rooted here and we really wanted to build a community that lasts. So the first thing is stop knocking small talk.
00:18:25
Speaker
I know, super spiritual, but it's true. I hear a lot of people knocking small talks saying they hate it, it's exhausting, they can't do it, they're an introvert, all this stuff about it. But guess what? If you want to create community, you have to, I'm sorry, grow up,
00:18:43
Speaker
learn how to hold a conversation and make an effort. Small talk is the basis of deep talk. It's the basis for a thriving conversation, but you have to go through that stage to get to the point where you can go deeper with somebody. So see it as productive and then take it deeper yourself.
00:19:02
Speaker
If you struggle with holding a conversation, there are some really great resources online and some books that I really enjoyed are the How to Be a Lady series, also a book on business etiquette. Etiquette and manners are just a form of selflessness and it teaches you how to have a conversation in a way that makes the other person feel good, makes the other person feel valued.
00:19:25
Speaker
If you can't hold a conversation, you're really going to have a hard time cultivating relationships. This doesn't mean you have to have a bajillion friends. It doesn't mean you have to talk to 18 people at once. But even just one-on-one, be able to ask questions, be able to keep a conversation going. Regardless of personality, this is a skill you need to have. And you can adapt it to your personality. You can invite the person over for coffee if you prefer one-on-one to large groups.
00:19:53
Speaker
but learn how to hold a conversation and stop knocking small talk because it's a foundation for building relationships. The second thing is open your door. Be willing to invite people in and don't wait for your house to be perfect. Our first house, if you will, was an apartment on a second floor. That was the first place I was opening my home and having people over when we were first married.
00:20:19
Speaker
and it wasn't huge it was actually pretty small and at the same time it was so sweet and we have so many memories and these little photos of gatherings in that place dinners in our tiny little living room dining room that had carpet under the dining room table it's a sweet memory because we opened our door even when it wasn't perfect
00:20:41
Speaker
The next place was a duplex that was so long and narrow, I can't even believe that we could really live in it. But that was another place that we had people over. Again, not ideal, not perfect, but opening the door was what mattered. And then we lived in a little house here in Michigan with a dining room that barely fit six people around the table. And yet we frequently had 15 and 20 people over because we opened our door.
00:21:09
Speaker
Now it's going to look different for you based on your stage of life, based on the people in your life you're going to start out small if this is new for you. But don't think you have to cook this elaborate meal. It's not about you. It's not about what people think of your cooking. It's not about the candles or what's on your walls. It's about making people feel comfortable and wanting to get to know them.
00:21:29
Speaker
And so for us, sometimes it was burrito bowls, rice, beans, everybody bring a topping. Sometimes it was just pizza. Once a month we have for the last two years, we've had our college students over for a pizza party and it's just pizza and chips and we all hang out. It doesn't have to be elaborate, but the point is you're opening your door, you're opening your heart, you're inviting people in and saying, I want to know you.
00:21:51
Speaker
Now, we have two rules, and this is my third point. Have some rules for how you go about this, boundaries that you need to have. Make sure you're communicating with your spouse if you're married. But for us, we have two rules. One is the 80-20 rule. It's not really so much a rule for us, it's just a basic observation.
00:22:09
Speaker
We do 80% of the inviting 20% of the time we get invited back because people are busy and a lot of people don't prioritize community. And so if you spend all your time hoping to be, you know, reciprocated, hoping people invite you back, then you're not going to keep inviting. So we just understand going in, we're doing this because we want community and regardless of how they respond.
00:22:33
Speaker
If somebody responds, they invite us back. Awesome. We're so excited. But if they don't, we're not hurt either. We reached out. We had them over. We did our part. Now this goes along with our three strike rule. This is our second rule. The three strike rule is we will pursue a couple or a family three times. If they don't respond, they don't seem interested or they show up, but they never seem to initiate hanging out with us.
00:23:03
Speaker
then we stop trying. They're clearly not interested. They have other priorities or maybe other friends and we let it go and we concentrate on other people. This has allowed us to really focus our time on people who want to be with us, who want to spend time with us, and it allows us to free those people to be with the people they want to spend time with. The fourth and final thing is to create community with your heart and attitude.
00:23:28
Speaker
Certain attitudes, certain behaviors make community very difficult. Going back to the beginning of this episode when I talked about my critical spirit and my judgment that was a defense mechanism, that was alienating to godly and healthy community. Healthy people saw that and they didn't want it. Even today now that I am a healthier
00:23:50
Speaker
person emotionally now when I meet someone who's similar to who I was then I can see that and I can say okay this is a person who's still growing probably not somebody that I'm gonna get close with because I can tell they're not healthy. We need to recognize patterns in ourselves that are making community difficult and see if it's truly the other people not wanting to hang out with us or if maybe it's something about us that is causing it something that's sinful in us that is making community hard.
Self-Reflection for Better Community Engagement
00:24:20
Speaker
So a couple questions to ask yourself. Do you look for the best in people or do you only see the flaws? Do you bring up flaws in people or judgments or things you notice about them? Do you gossip? I've struggled with this. Do you bring up people who you know you have a judgment about and is that what you talk about with people? That's unhealthy.
00:24:41
Speaker
Do you have a there you are attitude? I first learned this from Anne Ortland in her book The Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman and I love it. When you walk in the door, are you a here I am kind of person or are you a there you are kind of person? A there you are person is focusing on the others, not on themselves.
00:25:04
Speaker
The third question is, do you make people feel comfortable? Or do you make them uncomfortable by maybe going too deep too fast or asking too personal of questions or maybe telling jokes that are inappropriate or being super sarcastic? I've talked about sarcasm on my Instagram before. It is divisive. It does not build sincere relationships. So you need to ask yourself, what kind of conversation are you creating? Are people uncomfortable around you?
00:25:33
Speaker
or are you seeking to make them comfortable? And one of the easiest ways to make people comfortable is to talk about them. It's the topic they know best. The last question to ask yourself is, do you seek ways to spend time with people, to really get to know them, to add value to them, to invite them into your home, just to sit around a table and share coffee, invite them after dinner and just have dessert? There's so many great ways you can do this. And it doesn't have to be your home either. You can meet in a park, you could go do an activity together.
00:26:02
Speaker
I have asked mom friends to go grocery shopping with me. We got a chore done and we got to hang out. So there's a lot of creative ways you can cultivate community by initiating it and seeking to spend time with people.
00:26:17
Speaker
Ultimately, lasting godly community, it's about selflessness. It's about giving with no expectation of return. But then when someone does give you that return, when they do say, me too, I want a friend, you're right there ready to walk with them in
Recommended Resources for Community Building
00:26:34
Speaker
it. There's this amazing quote by C.S. Lewis that you've probably heard and I just absolutely love. It says, to love it all is to be vulnerable.
00:26:43
Speaker
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrong and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable.
00:27:13
Speaker
That's not what we want for our hearts. We want hearts that are vulnerable, that are risk-taking, that are willing to step out and invite people in, that are willing to love the way Christ has loved us. In community, I'm telling you, you have to try, you have to try again, but the reward is so worth it in the long run.
00:27:33
Speaker
If you want more resources on this, you can see the community highlight on my Instagram where it gives you some examples of how people showed up for us when I broke my leg in June of 2019. Some great ideas for how to bless people who are struggling and how to invite them into your home. And then the making friends highlight on Instagram as well would be super helpful to you.
00:27:55
Speaker
A couple of books you might consider friend-ish is one by Kelly Needham. Also the turquoise table. I can't remember the gal's name who wrote that off the top of my head. Those two might get you started with some ideas for making friends and starting to cultivate this community process. Also, Sally Clarkson's life giving home is another great resource and I will link these in the show notes. Thanks for joining me today, guys, and I will see you next week.
00:28:25
Speaker
Thank you for joining us for today's episode of Verity. You can connect with fellow listeners by following me on Instagram at Felicia Masonheimer or on our Facebook page by the same name. Also visit FeliciaMasonheimer.com for links to each episode and the show notes.