Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to When Words Fail. I'm Latasha Goggins. Now you're going to hear that exact introduction again in just a few moments when the main recording starts. But I'm coming to you live from home before I jump into the track today in a super bright light, by the way, um because I need to be completely honest.
Speaker: and transparent with you guys about what happened I actually recorded the video for this episode sorry for the shaking You're on my tablet, so sorry for the the shaky. um I recorded the entire video live, but in post -production there was an issue.
Speaker: Slight technical hurdle with the video feed itself. and I was only able to extract the clear audio file. which unfortunately has made me several days behind in uploading. And I even thought about skipping this week. But here's the thing.
Speaker: This specific episode is my personal testimony. And inside the track, i you're going to hear me tell you that I wanted you guys to be able to look past the production filters and actually see the real person behind this music. so
Speaker: Because I promised you inside the episode that I would let you guys see me, I refused to let a technical glitch get in the way of that promise. I turned the lens on right here at home, right before bed, because I just finished finalizing the video. So you could see my safe.
Speaker: my face before the audio rolls Hi. Now please don't get used to this. I am an introvert and a loner by nature, and I'm not someone who ever wants to be standing in front of a camera. You're going to hear a whole lot more about that exact...
Speaker: internal battle. inside the podcast itself. But this is me. No masks, no studio lighting, obviously. um Just an everyday believer standing right here. And I'm looking at every single person watching or listening today who has had to walk through the scorching fire.
Speaker: over and over again feeling completely small and broken I am here to look you in the eyes and tell you that you can come out on the other side. More than that, I wanna show you guys the way through.
Speaker: So let's ease right into the studio recording. Here's episode seven.
Speaker: Welcome back to When Words Fail. I'm LaTosha Goddins and this episode is simply called Grace wrote my story. Before we even touch a line of scripture or play a single note today,
Speaker: I wanted to do something a little different for this episode. If you're watching the video, you'll be able to see my face. Hi. If you're only listening. you'll still notice a major shift.
Speaker: because this track is my personal testimony. I know I'm a day late. Sorry, life has been super busy and because so much goes into this track,
Speaker: I took my time with it. There is a lot. in my story. I'm going to give you most of it. quite a bit of it actually so I'm going to be pretty long -winded for those sections and I apologize if it is a bit much.
Speaker: um but I wanted you to get to know me. to know who I am, where I came from, and why my music and this podcast are so important to me Here's hoping it all goes well.
Speaker: Let us bow our heads and pray. Lord Jesus, Some of us are sitting at this table today feeling completely exhausted. from trying to look okay.
Speaker: We have spent so long hiding in our quiet spaces. isolated and silent. convinced that our history has disqualified us from anything beautiful.
Speaker: I ask that you would break through that heavy silence right now. meet us directly in the middle of our hidden rooms. pull down our defenses, with your absolute loot.
Speaker: kindness, and remind us softly that we are important. that we're not forgotten and that we have been held in your heart from the very beginning. We open our hands to you now. Amen.
Speaker: You see, I've always been an observer. I'm a sponge. I take a whole lot more in than I ever let out. And as you can see,
Speaker: I'm just like you. an everyday person. outside of this table or rather my desk. I work multiple jobs. I'm a delivery driver for a restaurant. I work in my church office. I handle our finances.
Speaker: I work in the AV department for my church. I also... volunteer in various other ministries. I do a lot. And I love... every minute of it But this year I came to a massive realization.
Speaker: I'm not saying... any of those roles are unimportant. But I had to sit down and ask myself, what am I actively doing to further the gospel?
Speaker: I say this because the reality is we're all called to be evangelists. My own church motto is to disciple the saved and evangelize the lost. but I had to be completely honest with myself.
Speaker: Outside the walls of the church building, I felt like I wasn't doing enough of that. And if I'm being entirely transparent with you, It's because I'm not really a people person.
Speaker: I know that sounds terrible to say as a question, but it's... honestly just the truth of where I was. It really goes back to what I've spoken about before, and it's exactly what the lyrics of this song talk about.
Speaker: I'm an introvert. a loner. and it can be really hard to navigate a personality like that. and still further the gospel. especially when you're surrounded by such a loving and passionate and amazing people within the body of Christ.
Speaker: That exact tension. is what turned my music into a true calling. And it's the entire reason this podcast exists. Track seven. Grace wrote my story.
Speaker: I called it that because this song is my raw testimony. And I felt that it was incredible hurt. incredibly important for you to see the actual person. behind all of this.
Speaker: No masks, no production filters, no AI. Just an everyday believer. telling you exactly how she was found. We're not worrying about a time limit today. Um,
Speaker: I'm not gonna be checking the studio clock. i'm I'm gonna try not to rush through the heavy landscape. I want to stay here at this table for as long as it takes.
Speaker: to be thoroughly honest. We have a habit. of wanting a beautiful inspiring story that
Speaker: without ever having to look at the terrifying dirt. that made it necessary. Every single image behind the... lyrics for this track. the danger before birth, the heavy hidden pain, the freezing nights, the lonely alleys.
Speaker: The Midnight Cry. flow directly out of real jagged pieces of my own existence. You see, My birth father was a severe alcoholic.
Speaker: And when my mother was six months pregnant with me, he pushed her out of a third story window. She was rushed to the hospital and had various injuries and was bleeding. The doctor saw a shadow on the ultrasound and they told her that my placenta had pulled away from her uterine wall.
Speaker: My mother had shaky faith back then. But she told them. Definitively. do whatever it takes to save my child but don't induce because it's not her time to be born yet.
Speaker: They passed her up. They stopped the bleeding.
Speaker: And amazingly, what they thought was My placenta pulling away was a clot. that they were able to dissolve. I stayed in her room for another two months.
Speaker: And then when she was 32 weeks along, She went into Purgatory Row. labor. Excuse me. And in the car, on the way to the hospital.
Speaker: I was born That's where my Go go go, now now now. wiring. started.
Speaker: I was born in a moving car. And I spent Two months in NICU. My mother still stayed with my dad. until I was one. And then they divorced. We moved to Memphis.
Speaker: I'm not sure exactly what happened. Some say it was because of neglect.
Speaker: But when I was 18 months old, I was taken from my mother. and I grew up. with another family.
Speaker: I don't remember. much of my life before the age of five.
Speaker: It could have been due to the trauma. of losing the woman I thought was my mother at the time.
Speaker: but I'm not really sure. When I was six, there was an incident. that I have no rhyme or reason for. I grew up in an atheist household.
Speaker: I know. It was many years later before I realized what you know. what to call it. but we didn't talk about God or the Bible or believing or not believing. so I distinctly remember.
Speaker: going to the corner store late at night with my Aunt Phyllis. And. As we were coming out, We were stopped at gunpoint by her baby daddy. And he was waving the gun and he was ranting and yelling about how she was leaving him and she couldn't leave.
Speaker: that he'd kill her for leaving and for keeping his kids away from him. and out of nowhere. as a child of sex. I stood in front of my aunt and I stretched my arms out open wide and I said, no weapon formed against us shall prosper.
Speaker: And he just... stopped.
Speaker: I don't know if it was he couldn't believe the fact that I sit in front of her. or that those words came out of my mouth. but something about That terrified him and he ran.
Speaker: It could have been the yelling. because it alerted people. Who knows? but we survived. I have absolutely no words And I still can't tell you where those words came from.
Speaker: Even my aunt was shocked that I had said such a thing. When you look at a childhood timeline like that. You realize that the shield of the Lord is real long before we ever have the words to ask for it.
Speaker: This is the exact truth anchored in Psalm 27, verse 10. For my father and my mother have forsaken me. but the Lord will take me up. And that declaration?
Speaker: I made down the barrel of a gun at six years old. wasn't just child's play. It was a living demonstration of Isaiah 54, 17. No weapon that is formed against you will prosper.
Speaker: and every tongue that accuses you in judgment, you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord.
Speaker: when we are small. or lonely. or trapped. We find all sorts of directions to run looking for safety before we ever think to look up. For so many of us, interior brokenness teaches us a heavy suffocating silence.
Speaker: We convince ourselves that if we stay quiet, if we stay hidden in our dark rooms, The pain can't find us. But that silence doesn't heal us. It slowly hardens into a rigid. defensive armor.
Speaker: that we're trying to navigate a world that feels completely volatile. Facing that kind of absolute visibility is terrifying because it completely shatters our curated images.
Speaker: and strips away the public profiles we worked so hard to maintain. Maybe you know exactly what that costs. The exhausting, agonizing strain of appearing completely put together because looking fine feels safer than being.
Speaker: known. Eventually that false appearance collapses, the self -reliance runs out of pavement, leaving us bitter and selfish. completely empty. in the dark. Yet even in that mess, a quiet grace keeps us from...
Speaker: being utterly consumed. When you're trapped, in that state of spiritual isolation. you grow completely blind to the fact that God's hand is actively shielding you.
Speaker: even when you cannot see it. The psalmist names this protective oversight beautifully in Psalm 139, verses 13 and 16. for you formed by inward parts.
Speaker: You wove me in my mother's womb. Your eyes have seen my formless substance. And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me. when as yet there was not one of them.
Speaker: before there was a single day on your calendar. before you ever took a wrong turn. made a mistake or found yourself hidden away in a dry valley The creator of the universe had already written your days.
Speaker: Your story was never a surprise to him. He is near to the brokenhearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit. even when they are actively looking for him.
Speaker: I can just be... Really watch out for it. When people looked at me as a child, They did not see what was really going on. They saw the smile, they saw the grades, they saw the nice neighborhoods, the nice clothes, the polished little girl who knew how to speak.
Speaker: How to behave. how to make everything look Okay. but they didn't see the war I was living through on the inside. By the time I was nine years old, my whole sense of identity had been completely shattered.
Speaker: by things happening. in my family. that I did not know how to process.
Speaker: That's one of the... I found out. The woman. That died wasn't my mother.
Speaker: moved around so often. barely staying in one place for more than six months. that It became... difficult to build relationships with people because you're never truly there long enough to actually get to know someone.
Speaker: It taught me. early. Silence. It taught me how to survive by performing. It taught me how to look whole while bleeding inside. So I learned how to play a role.
Speaker: I learned how to become what people wanted. and needed me to be. You see,
Speaker: Joe worked as a computer systems engineer with law enforcement.
Speaker: When we moved to Kansas City, After one of our many moves, It felt like every time I was trying to catch my breath. the ground shifted again.
Speaker: We lived in these upscale neighborhoods where everything looked beautiful on the outside. And there were all these unspoken expectations about how you were supposed to carry yourself. how you were supposed to fit in, how you were supposed to look.
Speaker: like you belong. but I never felt like I belonged. I felt like an outsider, the whole world.
Speaker: saw someone different. I felt like I was wearing somebody else's life and terrified that it would slip out from under me in front of people.
Speaker: And Kansas City is where the darkness really took hold. That's where the grooming and the sexual abuse started. It was introduced to me like it was some kind of game.
Speaker: like something harmless. Something normal. Who could last the longest?
Speaker: little by little. it became something deeper. darker. more confusing.
Speaker: we started watching porn together. And it twisted my understanding of love, of worth of my own body. It created urges and confusions in me that I was far too young to carry.
Speaker: And it turned into something that felt. bigger than me.
Speaker: You know, that's one of the hardest things to explain to people. how abuse can distort your mind so deeply that you don't even know where your own pain ends and the manipulation begins.
Speaker: and while all of that was happening. I kept doing what I learned to do best. I performed. I became a perfect daughter a perfect straight -A student. perfect neighbor, the perfect friend.
Speaker: I made sure that from the outside nobody would ever have reason to question. what was happening to me Nobody would have looked at me and guessed the kind of turmoil I was carrying in my mind every day.
Speaker: I was surviving. abuse and silence. while smiling in people's faces. And that kind of double life will wear down your soul.
Speaker: didn't stop. It escalated.
Speaker: what started as a game. turned into verbal abuse. and then physical abuse. I remember we had a massive fight when I was 13.
Speaker: because he has seen me with another young boy because because of the abuse. My view of myself changed. I became promiscuous. I became addicted to porn. I became jealous.
Speaker: He got angry, we got into a fight, and he pushed me down a flight of stairs. I was 13.
Speaker: And it was... Getting injured.
Speaker: and what was public because we lived in an apartment building. that
Speaker: made me run. So I hid in a friend's garage. I was just trying to disappear, trying to find somewhere anywhere. that felt safer than home.
Speaker: But even that didn't last. I was eventually caught and sent to a juvenile detention center.
Speaker: Now, I know I say I became promiscuous and I was addicted to porn and... But I wasn't some hardened kid. I wasn't rough. I was quiet. I was introverted. I stayed to myself. Even when I was around other kids, I didn't know how to connect with them.
Speaker: I wanted to be near people, but I didn't want to interact with them. And being in that detention center surrounded by All of these other kids from broken homes.
Speaker: terrified me. Because their attitudes were completely different from mine. So it made me feel even smaller.
Speaker: It was there that I've. first spoke up about my abuse but I didn't tell them the whole truth. You could see the bruises. um, but I didn't tell them about the sexual abuse.
Speaker: I became so uncomfortable in this unfamiliar environment. that I eventually retracted. what I had said and I went back home.
Speaker: And after that, we moved back to Memphis because It was no longer safe for him there. The neighbors talked. that Neupress looked. Everyone was always looking for a new bruise or something new to crop up.
Speaker: that time, I was already so broke. came down inside.
Speaker: that I didn't know which way was up.
Speaker: and we were in a neighborhood I had never lived in. and it was outside of the scope of what we once had.
Speaker: because of the clothes I wore. people took it upon themselves. to snatch me off the street. I was gang raped.
Speaker: in an abandoned house.
Speaker: that experience. Love, Midas. Devastated. And I want to put this out here. no matter the clothes you wear. no matter the job you do, no matter what you act like.
Speaker: the regular. It does not give anyone the right, to take away your choice.
Speaker: I was 13.
Speaker: 13. I went home and told Joe about it and he said, It was my fault. I must have wanted it. Look at how I normally act. Look at how I normally dressed.
Speaker: Look at what I did to him.
Speaker: The person who was supposed to protect me. didn't believe me.
Speaker: that kind of rejection does something to you. It tells you your pain doesn't matter. It tells you that you're on your own. And by the time I walked through the doors of St. Peter's Home for Children,
Speaker: When I was 15
Speaker: I did not. Feel rescued. I did not feel hopeful. I felt small. I felt alone. I felt completely discarded by the world because everyone and everything who was supposed to Protect me.
Speaker: didn't.
Speaker: Life just kept hurting me. I went from one hurt to another and here I was. standing in yet another
Speaker: place.
Speaker: with unfamiliar people. carrying wounds that no one my age, no one period. should carry.
Speaker: But I will say this now.
Speaker: And I say it giving all glory to God. even in those places where I felt abandoned. I was never fully abandoned. Even when I was silent, God heard my cries.
Speaker: Even when I felt discarded God had not discarded me. I did not understand that back then.
Speaker: Back then all I knew was the loneliness. All I knew was the silence.
Speaker: and how to survive. But looking back now, I can see the hand of God. was still on me Even when I was walking through darkness, I did not have language for.
Speaker: And that is the only reason I can stand here now. and tell this story from a place of healing instead of a grave.
Speaker: When you have lived, behind a mask like that. You are constantly fighting. a brutal battle between what the outside world sees, and what your soul is actually enduring behind closed doors.
Speaker: But the word of God breaks directly through that performance. Romans 8, 38 and 39 says, For I am convinced that neither death nor death nor life.
Speaker: nor angels nor principalities nor things present nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other created being will be able to separate us from the love of God.
Speaker: which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. not even the deepest teenage. isolation, the heaviest trauma, the highest rules,
Speaker: We build around our hearts. can cut us off from a love that has already claimed us.
Speaker: I was rescued.
Speaker: and a dark room.
Speaker: Bye. a miraculous Fourth.
Speaker: God's hand. moving the people around me.
Speaker: Excuse me. But that rescue didn't just stay in that dark, quiet room. It followed me out into a broken messy reality. And this is where we have to lift our eyes and realize how the Lord actually operates in the world around us.
Speaker: He consistently uses ordinary people as the hands and feet of his nearness. It doesn't have to be grand. It's not some theatrical miracle from the sky.
Speaker: Sometimes His grace is wrapped in the simple fact that someone looks past your defenses seizure or hurting. and decides to step directly into your mess. without reservation. without judgment.
Speaker: and without a single question.
Speaker: When we talk about this kind of scan on flesh rescue, It reminds me of... Mrs. Craft. She was a monumental turning point in my life.
Speaker: and she is so profoundly important to the story we're unpacking today. When the walls were high and everything was complete, completely locked down. She was the person God used to step across those boundary lines.
Speaker: and introduce himself to me. When you're used to fighting your own survival, an act of unconditional kindness fills. completely foreign. Your immediate instinct is to look for the catch or wait for the other shoe to drop because the world has taught you that.
Speaker: Everything comes with a price tag. but true grace doesn't carry an invoice. It doesn't demand that you pay it back and it doesn't wait for you to look qualified before it extends a hand.
Speaker: It's simply... steps into your isolation. and stays there. When we are entirely lost, ordinary kindness becomes extraordinary. ordinary rescue.
Speaker: Look at what Psalm 68 verses 5 and 6 promises. a father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows. is God and His holy habitation.
Speaker: God makes a home for the lonely. He leads out the prisoners into prosperity. He builds that home out of flesh and blood. He builds it through people like Mrs. Craft, people who have the raw courage to see a wound and touch it. with that agenda.
Speaker: When you spend years carrying that kind of turmoil, It's incredibly easy for your spirit to become deeply selfish and bitter. You look at a world that has let you down and you start to believe that.
Speaker: Misery is the only company you'll ever have. But the absolute beauty of a transformed life is that Jesus doesn't leave you stranded in the bitterness.
Speaker: He does something complicated. completely radical He changes your entire identity. from a loner hiding out in the dark. to a member of a beautifully messy spirit -filled family.
Speaker: He takes the very years you thought you were completely wasted in your wandering. The moments where you felt totally forgotten and broken. And he breathes purpose straight into them. He doesn't just sweep your history under the rug.
Speaker: He uses it. He turns those heavy, painful memories into seeds for a beautiful harvest, giving you a real vibrant joy in reaching your hand. right back down into the dirt.
Speaker: to pull someone else up. Everything you went through, suddenly serves a greater purpose. turning your entire life into a living. Breathing.
Speaker: monument. to a savior who simply refused to let you go.
Speaker: And if I'm honest, Mrs. Craft was one of the greatest turning points in my life.
Speaker: God used that woman.
Speaker: a way. I'll never forget. She didn't care about my past. She didn't need a polished version of me. She didn't need me to explain and everything just right.
Speaker: she would Oh. literally find me off in a corner crying. Sometimes. anxious most of the time and shaking my leg. I have it. I still have today.
Speaker: and she would just be there. Shiva Sat. And when you spent most of your life feeling unseen, feeling judged, Feeling like people only deal with you based on what they think and know about you.
Speaker: Having someone just sit with you. Just listen to you. Just care. without demanding anything back. That means something. She started talking to me about Jesus.
Speaker: Not religion in a stiff, unreachable way. Not like she was trying to force something down my throat. She just started telling me about who he was. She told me about the life he had lived, the miracles he worked. the way he had changed her life.
Speaker: the changes in other people she had seen, And she told me that. He loves. no matter what had been done to me or what I had done.
Speaker: and for somebody carrying as much shame as I was carrying. that matter. She said, Believe in Him. Give your sin over to Him. Understand that what happened was wrong.
Speaker: but not your fault.
Speaker: Pray. and give it to Him.
Speaker: If I turned it over to him. I would be named new. and he would catch me whenever I fell. But she didn't just talk about love.
Speaker: She showed it. She helped me with daily necessities, taught me how to interview. She gave me practical tools and helped me find healthy outlets. She's actually the one who taught me how to crochet, which to this day is something I still thoroughly enjoy.
Speaker: and helps me calm my mind. She was steady. She was gentle. And she never pushed. She wishes. There.
Speaker: season, that consistency. meant everything. because I had never had it. or someone would be there for me without asking for anything.
Speaker: Who? wouldn't judge me.
Speaker: even when I stumbled.
Speaker: But even with her there, I was still broken. still carrying years of trauma. years of rejection, years of believing deep down that Maybe I didn't deserve anything healthy.
Speaker: or deserve happiness.
Speaker: And then... I went through A breakup.
Speaker: It had been my first real steady. healthy relationship. And when it ended,
Speaker: Because of me. I wouldn't open up to him. It was a healthy relationship, but I... didn't know how to do healthy. um
Speaker: He said, you know. We were teens. We really didn't know anything about love.
Speaker: but I was distant. and when it ended. it broke something in me. Now, I know some people might sound say that sounds small compared to everything else I had. already lived through.
Speaker: and how it was young love and, you know. Even then, I should have understood that things would get better. Bye. when you've spent your whole life fighting the lie,
Speaker: that you're unworthy of love. Something like that. can hit like confirmation. It made me feel like, see? You don't deserve healthy.
Speaker: You don't deserve happiness. Nobody really wants you here anyway. and that old urge came back.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: when I decided I was done. I grab blood thinners from the nurse's station. an ice pick from the kitchen and I stood there in the middle of my dorm room. ready to take my own life I was 17.
Speaker: This had not been the first time.
Speaker: I took the blood thinners.
Speaker: as I held the pickaxe over my arm. Somewhere between the pain and the hopelessness and the darkness, I cried out to Jesus. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't polished. It wasn't one of those fancy prayers. People know how to pray in church. It was raw. It was unfiltered. It was broken.
Speaker: It was me in the middle of the night saying, I'm sorry Lord. Maybe you have a plan for me, but I can't see it. And I don't think there's a reason for me to be around anymore.
Speaker: And while I was standing there,
Speaker: literally bringing the ice pick down and not in slow motion. Mrs. Craft said she felt. of movement in her spirit. She came. bursting into the room and she tackled me to the floor.
Speaker: and saved my life. Because with the blood thinners I had taken, if I had punctured a hole that big in my arm, I probably would have bled out before they got there.
Speaker: I still had to go to the hospital for treatment. The treatment made me sick. And I was put into a psychiatric. Society.
Speaker: And it was there. that I first felt God's presence
Speaker: Once again. an unfamiliar place. with people I didn't know. people I thought were As horrible as this may sound, Crazier than I was.
Speaker: and utterly alone.
Speaker: crying and praying.
Speaker: And then I felt. this warmth. surround me. like I was enveloped in arms and a whisper that said, I see you.
Speaker: is when I knew Jesus was real. That is where. my beliefs started to take hold.
Speaker: Something in me shifted. Something changed. Not all at once where everything suddenly becomes easy. Not like I floated out of there and never struggled again.
Speaker: But something changed.
Speaker: He was real. he was present and He was meeting me in the darkest place. my life. After that, Mrs. Craft became my mentor. She taught me how to read the Bible, how to pray, how to apply what I read in the Bible.
Speaker: to my life. and understand that
Speaker: there was always hope.
Speaker: And she helped me with things. Other people might call small, but they weren't small to me. She taught me how to be a proper young lady, how to take care of myself. I went to a Catholic high school. on scholarship.
Speaker: So. I didn't have a lot of money. She helped me get my baccalaureate dress for my graduation. She helped me get my junior. and see her crown dresses and she treated me with dignity.
Speaker: Like I mattered.
Speaker: Out of all the invitations that I sent out, she was the only person who came to my high school graduation. The only one.
Speaker: And I invited her there. for two reasons. One. I knew she would come. And two, because I knew in my heart, If it had not been for her, I never would have made it to that graduation.
Speaker: I went off to college. I earned my associate's degree in accounting. And I started rebuilding my relationship with my mom.
Speaker: during the last term. Of my associates, I found my birth father. And. I wanted to get to know him. and his side of the family, so I moved.
Speaker: from Tennessee. back to Michigan. But... I was still carrying so much anger. I didn't know. how to be in a relationship with people in a healthy way.
Speaker: especially when Part of me blamed them for everything. I kept asking myself, why? weren't you there? Why didn't you protect me? Why wasn't I worth it? showing up for And the truth is...
Speaker: I was disrespectful. I was downright rude. I brought total chaos into their home. My old patterns started to come out. and I started making reckless decisions.
Speaker: Ah. one of which caused me to get an STD. It was curable. Um... but After that,
Speaker: after only a year. My dad kicked me out. And he had every right to. So here I was in a city that was unfamiliar to me.
Speaker: And. I became homeless for the first time. not couchsurfing. not kind of struggling. but homeless. And while I was going to school to get my bachelor's in computer science, by the grace of God, I was walking around on Wayne State. campus and I met a group of students that were mentors at a youth shelter.
Speaker: And that's how I got off the street for the first time. That shelter taught us how to save money. how to get proper jobs, how to budget, how to become productive members of society It's called Covenant House.
Speaker: somewhere in that season. I went to a revival. And even though I had prayed before, And I realized,
Speaker: I was still trying to do things. on my own. I had never... fully surrendered. to God. So in that field, in the park. I rededicated my life to Jesus.
Speaker: From there, I started building. I worked as a bouncer. at venues and clubs in downtown Detroit. I got my first apartment. And for me, that was huge. That was a real accomplishment.
Speaker: That was a sign that maybe, just maybe, My life was finally turning around. And then there was an electrical fire. and I lost my apartment. I lost.
Speaker: my entire history. And just like that. I was homeless again. with nothing but the clothes on my back. and what I could afford to buy with my most recent paycheck.
Speaker: There were nights I slept in frozen alleyways. and in bus terminals. I washed up in restaurant sinks. the bathroom at the venue before I open because If I was going to survive,
Speaker: I still had to find a way to keep moving. I still had to work. I still had to make it through the day.
Speaker: I need people to understand this. Homelessness strips you. It strips you of your pride. It strips you of your comfort. It strips you of your illusion. that you are in control.
Speaker: It puts you face to face with how fragile life can get.
Speaker: One day after work, A coworker saw me. going out the back door into the alley. and he asked me if I needed a ride home. I tried to lie. and pretend that everything was fine. I said, hey, you know, it's not far. I'll be okay. I do this all the time.
Speaker: But he persisted.
Speaker: And not in a bad way. It's just he was concerned. And finally, I told him the truth. I had nowhere to go.
Speaker: And lo and behold, his... Second job was at a homeless shelter. for adults. And... That's how I got off the street the second time.
Speaker: It was safer than the alley. at night. but it was still hard. You could sleep there, but in the morning you had to leave. And I saw people there that had been trapped in that cycle for years, drinking and fighting and numbing themselves.
Speaker: surviving. I'm very little. And I remember thinking, how do I keep ending up here? How is this my life again? Even when I'm trying to do right. Why does it feel like I keep circling back to survival mode?
Speaker: But I stayed with it. I worked. I saved my money. I got another place.
Speaker: And then I went back to the same shelter. part -time to serve. Because I believe that once you are brought out,
Speaker: you have to reach back
Speaker: You cannot forget about the people who are still trying to find their way through. life kept building from there. I
Speaker: Ahem. accounting i had computer science at one point i was even driving trucks I've done taxes. I've worked for a bank. I've done insurance. If you had looked at my resume, you might have thought, what? exactly is going on here.
Speaker: But God knew. Because now, Those same administrative skills, that same structure, that same ability to organize, manage, adapt, and persevere. I use all of that in service to the kingdom.
Speaker: Today, I help run the church office. I serve my church family. I support ministry work. I use what I've learned in school and what I've learned in survival. to help build something that gives lives.
Speaker: other people.
Speaker: And that means something to me because there was a time in my life when I thought all I would ever know. was instability i thought all i would ever know was abandonment i thought all i would ever know was pain and chaos and starting over But now I look back.
Speaker: And I say this with confidence. That alleyway was the highway home. What looked like one dead end after another was God still moving me forward. What looked like shame was not the end of my story. What looked like homelessness. at the end of my story. What looked like brokenness was not the end of my story.
Speaker: because God The heart was still. writing. And today I have a church family. I have purpose. I have peace I did not always think was possible.
Speaker: My life isn't perfect. Bye. After that, and more than that i'm convinced that everything i've walked through that gave me the testimony that I have now That belongs to God.
Speaker: He took the girl who slept in alleys, who washed in sinks, who thought her life had no value. And he gave that girl a place to belong. He gave me work to do. He gave me people to serve. He gave me a story that can reach back and tell someone you do not have to stay where life dropped you.
Speaker: there's hope. There's healing. And there is still a road home in Jesus. When you hear a story that travels through that kind of deep, jagged darkness,
Speaker: and comes out into a triumphant harvest. Your soul can't help. I hope, but anchor itself. especially in the absolute authority of Psalm 107. four through six.
Speaker: They wandered in the wilderness in a desert region. They did not find a way to an inhabited city. They were hungry and thirsty. Their soul fainted within them. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. You delivered them from their distresses.
Speaker: If you are sitting here today, And your faith feels like a flickering candle about to go out. If you have been running from God because you're terrified of what he'll say when you show up,
Speaker: deeply immersed in your choices,
Speaker: Show up anyway. Give it to him. Anyway.
Speaker: Because only then can true healing begin.
Speaker: Now. I want you to just quiet your thoughts. We've laid out the cost. We've walked through the valley. And we've looked at the permanent welcome waiting at the end of every dark alleyway.
Speaker: If you're feel like your life feels like cold dark alley. If you've been hiding behind the perfect image while your soul runs on completely empty, I want you to know that the author of mercy is standing right over your pages. You do not have to stay hidden in the dark rooms of your choices.
Speaker: You can drop the act. You can drop the exhausting strain of trying to save yourself. So quiet your thoughts. wherever you're listening from right now. Lean back and open your hands.
Speaker: And let this song become your own personal prayer of gratitude. We're going to listen to the full track together. Let the joy of this transformation wash over your dry places.
Speaker: And let the Holy Spirit remind you of what it truly means to be fully known. completely exposed Radically loved anyway. Here is. Grace wrote my story.
Speaker: I drew a breath They said I would
Speaker: An accident, a shadow Tried to claim my life But you were in
Speaker: Protecting what the world... had already cast aside.
Speaker: the eyes of one
Speaker: The trauma.
Speaker: So tell me it's okay Every time
Speaker: the abuse And you turn and
Speaker: My testimony. Not exactly homeless to Harvard. But... to paradise.
Speaker: our hearts and minds together. praying our closing prayer today.
Speaker: If you're able to. wherever you are. Join your heart with mine right now. as we pray together.
Speaker: We come to you today as a family standing in absolute certainty of who you are. We thank you that no matter how deep the trauma, How dark the room.
Speaker: How heavy the silence. Your hand has been actively shielding our heartbeats from the very beginning We lay down the exhausting weight of trying to manage our own paths.
Speaker: Lord, for every person listening right now whose story feels broken or forgotten, We ask that you remind them they are important. and that you are never alone. Thank you for being the epitome of grace and mercy in our lives.
Speaker: We trust you with our past wanderings and we thank you for turning our valleys into a beautiful harvest today. In the mighty name of Jesus we pray. Amen.
Speaker: your past failures. and dark alleys. We're never a surprise to Jesus. And they didn't stop him from wrapping his arms around you. Step completely out of the dark.
Speaker: Drop the exhaustion of trying to save yourself. and allow the grace that we wrote my story So begin rewriting yours too.
Speaker: Thank you for spending this unhurried time with me at the table. This conversation brought a moment of peace to your day. Please share it with someone who's currently running on Empty in the Dark. Don't forget to like, share, subscribe to the podcast.
Speaker: so we can keep walking this path out together. Also head over to my YouTube community page where I post our personal reflection questions every single week. It's a safe place where you can post your own thoughts, leave your prayer request, and connect with others in the community in the comments.
Speaker: Next Thursday, the table opens up again. as we dive into track eight from the album. Only God. We're gonna - Look closely at forcing your eyes off your own capability and straight up to the sovereign power of a maker who handles the storm.
Speaker: I can't wait to unfold that landscape with you. Take care of your soul. Open your hands. and take heart. God bless you.
