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Why do girls grow up so fast? | EP 19 | Dear Body
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What is the cost of education and financial independence in our country? Before you answer this question, I want you to think about yourself, especially if you’re a woman, a girl, when was the first moment it hit you that the rules are different for you because you are a female?
Imagine today’s episode as a roundtable conversation with lots of people filling up the whole room. You are sharing stories with one another about what it was like growing up in your home, what did education mean to you, what your relationship with your parents was like, and where you are in life now.
I will be bringing you stories from women who wish to remain anonymous but have poured their heart out to me. Some parts of these stories are too intense, even I broke down more than twice listening to them. So, let’s begin.
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Transcript
Introduction and Roundtable Discussion
00:00:00
Speaker
What is the cost of education and financial independence in our country? Before you answer this question, I want you to think about yourself. Especially are a woman or a girl, when was the first moment it hit you that the rules are different for you because you are a female? Today's episode is a roundtable conversation. worryri here Lots of people are filling up the whole room. You are sharing stories about what it was like growing up in your home. What did education mean to you?
00:00:31
Speaker
was your relationship with your parents? Where you are in life right now?
Anonymous Stories of Women
00:00:36
Speaker
And I will be bringing you stories from women who wish to remain anonymous, but they have poured their heart out to me. So when you listen these stories, we will treat them with respect. is batahhaska alrukna Some parts of these stories are too intense. Even I broke down more than twice, listening to them and writing them down for you.
00:00:56
Speaker
So that is a trigger warning that I would like to give before we begin with this episode.
Dear Body Podcast Introduction
00:01:06
Speaker
Hello everyone, my name is Sirosh and you are listening to Dear Body. A show where I am your host, I am your help when it comes to navigating your relationship with your body, your mind, through different stories of Pakistanis. So grab your chai and get comfortable as I share these stories with you and we will self-reflect together.
00:01:27
Speaker
Before we begin, I want you to know that the voice is mine but her loves, her kahani belongs to these women. First,
Zari's Upbringing and Family Dynamics
00:01:34
Speaker
we have with us someone I will be referring to as Zari. That is not her real name, but this is the pseudonym that we will be using for this particular story.
00:01:42
Speaker
I am the oldest amongst my siblings. I had a very sheltered upbringing. Both my parents worked for the government. Both of them came from different backgrounds. My father grew up in a village. My mother grew up in the city.
00:01:56
Speaker
childhood, there was no time in thinking about it. In which way, a normal upbringing a normal upbringing. I think the first time was shaking when my life shaking, had turned 23.
00:02:06
Speaker
usterraka majo hinahita do ben paythe or subbu per haihigarti ukiwi outlet in aha mandaza ininha ki behugi to inaapuch ojayga in the gime i think chope mokaa when my life was shaken i had turned twenty three My mother, whose family belongs to me, was oppressive towards father was from a very progressive family.
00:02:30
Speaker
i remember i used to read a lot of books midimar's family said belong k nihe for bohasza oppressive day towards women my father was from a very progressive family They used to treat their wives and daughters well. Then, my father came to me and I heard people that said, Sir, you been reading so much for children? I had no concept that girls are different. But my father was not very involved in our upbringing nor his marriage.
00:03:00
Speaker
My parents loved each other but they weren't really close. He couldn't do a lot to protect us even if he wanted to because my mother unfortunately had a very difficult upbringing. When she was raised, there were themes of sexual abuse from her own father.
00:03:16
Speaker
I don't know why I used to get molested by my cousin which was so jarring for me know about this.
00:03:31
Speaker
It
Childhood Trauma and Coping Mechanisms
00:03:32
Speaker
started when I was eight. I was like a race. I didn't tell my mom. Because I was not close. When the incident happened to me, I was a child. I was very numb.
00:03:47
Speaker
I was parentified. I was parentified. you came made a parents busyiti to cor riescarna andki upbringing on cuphanana on kedapa shi inchkna was saimiriduhotiti i was parentified meep new syria could blocker diaatta Growing up, I used to struggle with the idea that my other classmates are like dressing up, they like putting on makeup. My heart didn't do it.
00:04:14
Speaker
My cousin started doing it first, so it was very difficult to process it. I was very small. japamaisad kuchbura hota here alaallani hammari and The mechanisms stali were yaapka sa ji yatiutti here akindirikavas ka yeki you say ae the fact that my father was not patriarchal and the fact that i read a lot i spent a lot of my childhood reading all the time i was coping with these circumstances at home women don't make article perraha I was writing a magazine that was writing about molestation. I was telling you. I was telling you. was telling you that this is wrong.
00:04:53
Speaker
Freedom of the concept was that I would have to go out here I also developed a very strong sense justice. I always fought in my class and school.
00:05:25
Speaker
I always fought my hamishha upni class me the school.
00:05:45
Speaker
But didn't know what it was. I was very busy in my class. I went to a good school. i had good friends. My teachers were very good to me. They were very good. I feel like neglected. who She was not present as a mother.
00:06:09
Speaker
She was not present as mother. She was not present as a mother. She was not present as a mother. She was not present as a mother.
Pressure to Marry and Self-Realization
00:06:22
Speaker
the volperme ab ne parla team Fast forward to the time, when I was 22-23 years old, I was being forced to get married and I was severely depressed. In 22-24 years, I started talking to a therapist with me. They taught me to play role. They said, you pretend to be your mother. Tell there's something happening, then it didn't happen to me. When someone tells you that you are also human, you can wear a good suit, you can wear good dress, you are also important.
00:06:51
Speaker
um he important too
00:07:03
Speaker
what helped me was stepping out of the house and interacting with others
00:07:21
Speaker
Then you have this sudden realization, really? My experience is not normal? Then you start connecting the dots. Society's work is to protect the world's world. So instead eating a child, eating 25-30 years old, let's stay in the future of these things that we can tell quickly.
00:07:43
Speaker
me. the shortte cousin could be aykaya here chequi ziiatieritus kujavatu i'm very grateful i was able to go to school i was able to do well in school i was academically inclined i found people whod for me I was always studying. But I was always studying. But I was always studying. But was always studying.
00:08:04
Speaker
was always studying. But I was always studying. be isqui bagre to bilulchaammojati just mu mehamberrejo rehe hamme ekichi baatti woheta li akata libiiapuicin loge to ye norman was renaya muja hardvak battayajata taum pagalu It's a very shift. a
00:08:38
Speaker
support data lakeing barnaia gaza jessere milky kaha skihadiharto taimio or toka the maha abujate alim hamishha achijie wokabiburi hohinaakti Let me be very clear. don't eat the food.
00:09:06
Speaker
taeem hamishha achichie ukabiburi hohineakti jamen is ari se gu tuuki i don't think she knows this but i was holding back my tears i wanted to scream during the call when i heard her talk about her life let me be very clear threling qti nahi own guerra des shiski It was coming from a place of helplessness.
00:09:28
Speaker
Not just for Zari, but for that 8-year-old. Why her? Why? Why? Why did this happen to her? And to so many young girls and boys, why is home such an unsafe space for so many kids?
00:09:44
Speaker
What makes a parent so blind to their pain or their numbness? And when the intergenerational trauma comes, when the cycle comes to the of the cycle, be broken. So many questions kept racing in my mind, but I held back during the call. i Instead, I gave Zari space to be able to tell her story to all of you. When someone opens up the most vulnerable parts of themselves to their sensitive lives to you, we need to offer them a safe space, a soft space.
00:10:15
Speaker
It takes a lot of trust building to be able to narrate your story to strangers and expect them to do their job responsibly. So what do you take from her story? For me, it's two things. Number one, talking to your children about good touch and bad touch.
00:10:31
Speaker
There is so big stigma to talk to children with a few topics. bibada How to protect ourselves. How to develop trust in adults at home, in school, to be able to talk about an unfortunate instance.
00:10:45
Speaker
If you are a parent listening to this, talk to your child. Listen to them when they are trying to tell you something. Believe them. They are children. That includes an 8-year-old as well as a 16-year-old.
00:10:59
Speaker
Try to understand their rebellion. instead of labeling them as fussy or badmash. We label our children too quickly. We do not label their emotions. If my child breaks something, it's an accident.
00:11:13
Speaker
I won't start scolding my child for making a mess. I will give my child a moment to apologize. do threepath therapy Let's start encouraging therapy like we encourage going to the doctors if we're feeling under the weather. Why is mental health treated differently from physical wellness?
00:11:29
Speaker
Both are equally important. It won't start until we openly start having conversations at home, in school, at work about therapy. If I did not have a supportive work environment, I do not think I would have been open to considering therapy.
00:11:44
Speaker
Parts of us wish these conversations started at a young age. Therapy does not mean that are crazy. We are very quickly outcasts to those who start taking therapy.
00:12:05
Speaker
once a survivor experiences any form of violence accessing services for redress support and justice it's often extremely difficult One challenge of obtaining justice discourages many women from reporting incidents of gender-based violence which helps explain why our official data shows that 56% of survivors never sought help or told anyone.
Challenges of Seeking Justice for Gender-Based Violence
00:12:32
Speaker
I quote statistics from natural report which came in 2023 by UN Women and NCASW, which is the Natural Commission on Status of Women, which has highlighted the reported cases that represent only the tip of the iceberg. So, this process, which can span months, even years, often imposes severe financial, health and emotional burdens. It is therefore unsurprising that many women abandon their cases before reaching a conclusion.
00:13:02
Speaker
Even for those who persist, the extremely low conviction rate, around 2%, means that achieving justice is rarely possible.
Nadia's Story of Academic Escape
00:13:11
Speaker
The second story is Nadia Ki.
00:13:13
Speaker
Again, this is a pseudonym that I will be using for the next story. I'm going to start reading it to you now. I grew up in a very conservative middle-class household. My father was absent through most of my life. He was emotionally and intellectually absent. He did not make much effort into parenting my sister and I, who's five years younger than I am.
00:13:34
Speaker
As a child, my nani, khala and mother would take care of me My nani taught me starting from nursery books and mathematics. My mother would teach me when I was in the third and fourth grade. When my nani was diagnosed with cancer, I was completely unaware.
00:13:51
Speaker
I just knew that she was sick. So I would take care of her at the age of nine and ten. I would recite for her. i would pray for her. My father did not play an important role in our lives besides giving money to my mother for our expenses.
00:14:06
Speaker
He was extremely short-tempered and would often get violent. I have early memories from grade 5 of consoling my mother. I would tell her that one day I would buy a house for her.
00:14:18
Speaker
At such a young age, a child is telling her mother that she would build her house so this man cannot harm her. He was more brutal towards my mother than he was towards us. I grew up differently. I did not have the audacity to go out and have male friends. Today, my friends go to Auratmarch with their male friends. At times, they assemble at home too.
00:14:38
Speaker
I am glad things are changing now. And freedom looks different for other women. I grew up pretty sheltered. One of my friends once said to her mother about me,
00:14:55
Speaker
I was this dorky, introverted kid. I was also a fat kid. It's harder for you to maintain friends. You also feel like the oddball. I was mature for my age. I was supposed to be more emotionally mature because I had taken care of my mother emotionally. So I grew up rather quiet. When I started doing my matriculation, I became rebellious. It was the age of the rise of Facebook. I had purchased a phone with my money. I had access to places online, especially Facebook groups.
00:15:26
Speaker
My parents were not necessarily monitoring my online presence. A teenager cannot decipher what freedom works in their betterment and what can be harmful. Emotional starvation, I saw it before. Then, I started interacting in online spaces, may interact kanashhirukada not realizing dangers attached I had internalized this idea that one day I'll get married after finishing my education. Going back to grade 10, I had scored 1,018 out of 1,100 in my board exams. I was the head girl, someone who's supposed to lead events at school.
00:16:03
Speaker
But I stopped going to school. My father decided to take me out of that school. Had I been in his place, I wouldn't have done that. But I understand how he was more concerned about my safety.
00:16:14
Speaker
I was being harassed by men in their late when I was 14. They had gotten to know where I study. My father feared that they're going to show up at my school and harass me. It was a way of punishing me as well.
00:16:28
Speaker
The only reason it did not escalate was when my grandmother and my pupo stepped in and said, isoavaru I do not know how you forgive a minor for grown men harassing her.
00:16:40
Speaker
I could no longer go to school to study. I had a tutor who would come home to teach, was really good at his job. This incident did not impact the quality of education I was receiving at home. It did impact my ability to socialize, my level of confidence. My female friends at that time, including my best friends, they cut me off. They had gotten an idea of what was happening.
00:17:02
Speaker
I was deemed the slut of the group. I had to go back to school after 6-8 months to give the farewell speech in front of a class of people who were my closest friends once. I was not in contact with any of my friends from school. During this time, I was also reading Jane Austen.
00:17:20
Speaker
particularly Sense and Sensibility. It had two characters, Eleanor and Marianne. The younger one of the two goes through the same things. She's emotional, loving, passionate. I have a faint recollection of the novel where the boyfriend either leaves her or brings dishonor upon her in keeping with the sensibilities of the time. He ends up finding a much wealthier woman.
00:17:41
Speaker
That was the first time someone, a female author, affirmed to me that this is not your fault. There are more ways to being a woman. That experience became crucial to forming my interest in studying literature. Years after that, I did not think about studying abroad. My sister was really assertive. I felt like I did not have the space to ask for anything, especially during the years where I felt like I was the black sheaf of the family. I cannot speak.
00:18:07
Speaker
I cannot ask for anything. I had to get straight A's. That was also partially the motivation for maintaining my grades. I felt like I had to prove to others and myself that I am capable of going to college. My father never said it explicitly but I used to think that in order to not get married and study, I had to do everything right. You can't go out with friends. You just need to be a studious good girl. This is what I used to tell myself growing up. I was getting good grades and doing my extracurriculars. But I was not doing debates, not going into those spaces where my parents would think, yaharab bauungi yahapa drugsungi dating scene hookga I was very depressed after graduation during COVID.
00:18:53
Speaker
My father was of the opinion that, if she wants to go abroad, then go abroad. But my mother, who had not gotten so much freedom, as I was getting this, was very skeptical. How will she go abroad?
00:19:07
Speaker
How will she maintain everything? How will she live alone? These were her concerns. So he told me that if you have a passport, I will leave your passport. tar dunggi This was after i got admitted into a master's program.
00:19:19
Speaker
I had gotten a scholarship. were paying me to do my master's. I would often think, this will be a mistake. I will take a and go away. This pushback wasn't as severe as it was back in matriculation days.
00:19:34
Speaker
my where My father even said to me once, you want to marry with your husband. By Usmarth, he meant the predator. The thing was, i knew my father was bluffing just to scare me. I cried and I said, no, I want to go to college.
00:19:50
Speaker
I remember when this incident occurre occurred, one of my uncles also threatened to shoot me in the head. That was a deeply traumatic memory. I haven't been able to normally interact with that person till now.
00:20:02
Speaker
There is this notion of offering respect to everyone who visits you and my parents believe he is a very respectable man. That is a messed up thing to happen to a 14-year-old.
00:20:13
Speaker
My mother never stressed upon me building a career. Even today, she wants me to be a docile person. When I told her I can cook prolifically since I moved to the US because at home in Pakistan, I would not perform any task. She's happy. My daughter has learned the work of her at home, outside.
00:20:31
Speaker
She makes a good handia. This internalization that this is what a woman is expected to do. I think life is much easier abroad. I still call my parents. My mother is very nice to me. My dad is okay. They don't have to tell me to do anything. That is something every Pakistani woman should experience.
00:20:51
Speaker
Guilt and fear is a constant emotion I deal with. I think to myself, mary aing parents him inauraghu and kahaalnirassetti My advice is, get into a habit of talking to people in your field.
00:21:05
Speaker
Try to understand how others become good at what they do. Find a mentor. Find as many people as you can who can be your mentors. Someone to bounce off ideas with.
00:21:16
Speaker
Telling them, This is going on in my professional life. How do I deal with it? That is very important. This marks the end to the second story that I have for you in today's episode.
00:21:28
Speaker
Now, the reason I want us to do this together, have a complete breakdown of each and every single story so that we can take away something crucial from it and apply it in our lives, connect with it, empathize with it and ensure it does not happen to our cousins, our friends, our loved ones and us first and foremost.
00:21:48
Speaker
The first thing I picked from the story was the parents' response to the child being harassed by grown men. Now, you see women get punished for not being good girls. This was a child, a minor. Koi bi ladki jiski umir 18 saal se kam ho, that is a child. It's the responsibility of the parent to support them, to protect them, to listen to them, build trust. But we see a child being shame.
00:22:14
Speaker
Pulling a child out of school because she's being harassed by grown men is not going to protect her. It eroded the parent-child relationship. The child thought to herself, my parents think it's my fault, so I'm being pulled out of school.
00:22:28
Speaker
I can't be around my friends anymore. I can't study in a classroom. I can't fulfill my duties as a head girl. Secondly, there's this concept of honour, a woman's honour. We don't think that the age of the girl is so take kiki mera hekowski bodi kaskaine it nonde developed I've heard countless cases of girls having the most painful pregnancies because they got married as teenagers. akibatiki he his are the a koski zithpiia
00:23:00
Speaker
That is the truth about our society. The most painful truth. One thing I also picked from Nadia's journey was how she recognized her childhood, her relationship with her parents and how she was able to overcome a lot of traumas or a lot of setbacks that she had growing up. It's such a huge deal when you have to come faceto face There are to tear many, realizing that come out of it or wish to come out of
00:23:38
Speaker
there are some who are fortunate enough to look at themselves in the mirror shed a tear or many realising that they can come out of it or they wish to come out of it Women who are encouraged to study, ultimately education, it becomes their biggest shield.
00:23:53
Speaker
Then we use it as a weapon to be able to craft an identity for ourselves. So I'm trying to find light in all of this, like we heard in the previous story, the one before Nadia, Zareenki, girls, women who do not get a moment's rest.
Women Striving for Autonomy
00:24:08
Speaker
Girls, women, we do not get a moment's rest. We don't get to be ourselves. We have to find an outlet in order to be able to be ourselves. Why you want to be temporary? But there are basic rights, right? There are many stories that I great things have come in. So many lives just so these women could break free from the domestic lives. That became so suffocating. That became such an unsafe environment for them. In the third story, which is Fatima's pseudonym, again, that I will be using here because she wishes to remain anonymous. I am from
Fatima's Battle for Education
00:24:45
Speaker
Murray. I am from a well-off family.
00:24:47
Speaker
My father passed away when I was in sixth grade. Your world becomes a little bit. My father was very progressive, be it in terms of what we should wear, our education. They never stopped my mom to come to come. So that was the kind of mindset which was made in my mind growing up. How do people do that? But after that, in the environment where I grew up with my grandfather, he supported us financially. I'm really grateful to him for that. But the freedom in my father's presence, smithy I feel like that was our way too. A sixth grader is not that young.
00:25:22
Speaker
Desi families present themselves as very open-minded. But they are doing small things that I felt like, no, my brother is a favorite. The major part where I first realized that things I am passionate about, have to struggle for to pursue, was when I passed 12th grade. I passed and I was giving NTS tests, applying to Kaidiyazam, NAST,
00:25:45
Speaker
So naturally, you're really excited. I gave five to six tests in different universities. I got into all of them. But when it came to you the university fee, the admission fee tends to be high at the time of admission.
00:25:58
Speaker
We did not live in a joint family system, but the majority of our decisions were influenced by the elders of our family. My dad's aunt and her family played a pivotal role in the decision making.
00:26:11
Speaker
The first fee of admission was around 1 lakh. My maternal side of the family was always supportive. My father was like a friend to me. My dad called up my father and said, what would he do to Later, have married. We this, that he would have saved his brother's education.
00:26:29
Speaker
Mind you, my brother is four years younger than I am. So that means, suppose I finish my undergrad program, that is when he gets to start his. So it wasn't like the both of us were going to university at the same time. So there was no financial burden on them. That was the moment I decided that I needed to fight for this. Another moment was when I was doing my bachelor's and they were insistent that I consider getting married.
00:26:51
Speaker
I would be crying my eyes out. You're young and naive at that age. My mother could not offer her support to me because she was living in my grandfather's house. She was not the one making the decisions in the house. I am really proud of myself that I stood my ground saying I will complete my bachelor's program and then consider marriage.
00:27:11
Speaker
I had to go on a student exchange program to the US. I used to feel... So helpless. Every time I had to reach out to my poppo or someone from my dad's side of the family telling them, ab dada busijaki about kennita be a possible husakiga jabbo permission they did it tabbukahuatha As a woman, sometimes family, hoty they are the ones bringing you down They do not want you to achieve your dreams. They don't want you receiving an education or going out.
00:27:42
Speaker
My understanding is fear that what they control and hold will be finished. So I have always been the good daughter of the family. I have been a people's pleaser for half of my life. As long as you're doing things their way, everything is fine.
00:28:00
Speaker
After I got done with my bachelor's program, my family wanted me to get married to this man, which I did. The person was really, really abusive. At that point, I talked to the family. On the first day of the marriage, I said that I'm not staying in this marriage.
00:28:16
Speaker
I cannot stand men being abusive to anyone, not even a girl who's a complete stranger to me. I got separated from him. He was from my father's side of the family. My family created a huge fuss over it. They wanted me to stay in that marriage. They started slut-shaming me, questioning what I would wear, the male friends I had in the US. I had openly posted about my lifestyle on my social media.
00:28:40
Speaker
I never hid my life from anyone. Had I witnessed anything blissful in that relationship, I would have compromised. But seeing how small they thought, I wouldn't stay in that relationship. I just could not.
00:28:54
Speaker
Now, half of my father's side of the family does not speak to me. That is the form of resistance I have faced in the past year or two. The
Fatima's Growth and Resilience
00:29:02
Speaker
people who I was extremely close to that I joked around with, my pupo, my chicha, the people I spent most of my life with, stopped talking to me.
00:29:11
Speaker
that time, I had to be able to do that if they don't do that, then I won't do that. Even when I was right and I was simply deciding for my life, I felt guilty.
00:29:22
Speaker
I felt bad seeing how they weren't talking to me. Even at family gatherings, I was outcasted. Not that I was uninvited, but their behaviour showed that I was not welcome. One time when I raised my voice at my chacha because he was forcing me to go back, I felt immediate guilt afterwards. On moments mein you are in a state of self-doubt. Ki meinne sahhi decision liya hai ya nahi?
00:29:45
Speaker
My chacha was my neighbor. I felt extremely lonely during the days when my chacha would visit and scream at me at the top of his lungs saying, lo kya kehenge? He would never listen to my side of the story.
00:29:57
Speaker
why I wanted to end this marriage. He was listening to the other side of the family who were blaming me for everything that happened. This one time I tried explaining to him that the man was abusive. During this time, I was not in contact with my college and university friends. I have a colleague, God bless her, she's like an older sister to me that I always wanted. She had kept me sane even though she had no idea what was happening in my life. I'm working right now and I'm grateful that I am working at a place where I'm extremely valued. I wanted to work at a place where I could see people achieving their dreams. I am working at an NGO, it's a non-profit organization. My work experience is not that extensive. But the recent work I did was in Savat. I interviewed a few girls and they talked about experiences similar to mine.
00:30:46
Speaker
A girl used to hitch 3-4 rickshaw rides just to be able to reach the main road every day. To reach this project site where she would receive her training. Her father was really, really strict. He was against her leaving the house. At that moment, I don't know if it was relief or if I was just grateful.
00:31:04
Speaker
My problems were very small in front of them. memi itni sensed he alsowu kio's relationships in nikolai My father was not in the picture. But they have controlling fathers and brothers.
00:31:17
Speaker
These girls cannot go anywhere because they're not financially independent. hum up newes mitchit nonco financially strong cursak they hair The way i've seen them grow, it fills my heart with joy.
00:31:29
Speaker
We're connected with the Centre for Children with Special Needs every single day. I'm seeing children with Down syndrome and they're full of joy and light. There is this girl called Mafia who stops me when I go into work and talks to me about her day. How I should dress up and her conversation cheers me up. I would tell my younger self and all the young girls that we have always been told to be good girls and make others happy.
00:31:55
Speaker
Doosro ki khushi or doosro ko tasalli dena is none of our business. No one's happiness is your responsibility, not even your parents. Just be nice to people but never compromise on your happiness.
00:32:08
Speaker
You receive internal happiness once you start prioritizing yourself. Take care of your health, your mental health. But for all of this, you need to be financially independent. While choosing your partner, listen to your heart, listen to your instincts. I would suggest girls to start saying no We are all working on our happiness and our happiness. Your family, your siblings might bring you down. But you don't have to leave your dreams But I want to share this here today. This message is for you.
00:32:53
Speaker
yeah message up klibi here We are going to struggles
00:33:10
Speaker
ana au already kitnahuakr the tehe ham taki sakiy jaga bannaak came But the truth is, this world was made for us to fight for our space. And I say this to women and girls specifically. Because no one will give us our space to vent, to express, to be safe, content, at peace or live a fulfilling life. But that does not mean that we do not have it in us to demand that space for ourselves. Because only can do anything we wish to do so for ourselves. And we have that right to demand that space, to own up that space and be ourselves truly. doubt, there are issues on this world on a very big level. Definitely, we see that online spaces, offline spaces, everything is happening. But it doesn't mean that we can erase identity, our story so that there is no other thing. Let's move on to the last story of today's episode.
00:34:11
Speaker
I wanted
Final Story Introduction
00:34:12
Speaker
to listen to this story with an open mind because it reflects something entirely different. It's different And once you listen to it, you'll recognize what I'm trying to say and discuss Once I share it with you.
00:34:38
Speaker
And listen to it, I would want to do your opinion draft k when it comes to self-reflection. Not when it comes to deciphering her story, what it means.
00:34:49
Speaker
That you can see yourself in the mirror and reflect on it. how you view it for yourself, the story and the responsibility factor which we will discuss, the goal-set goal set knaka life may especially for women. My mother was someone who wanted me to get into a good university abroad. I wanted to study fine arts. But at that point in my life, girls had not started going abroad.
00:35:17
Speaker
Only boys had just started going from my generation. My father went to study abroad only during his last semester because my grandfather was not supportive of children going abroad to study.
00:35:30
Speaker
I also come from a community where girls are married off at a very young age, from the ages 16 to 17. My parents viewed it entirely differently.
00:35:40
Speaker
I lived in the same house with my grandparents. I was very close to my grandfather. It was very important to me that he was on board with me going abroad to study. It was decided that I get into a decent university first and after the admission, we can talk to my grandfather, to which I agreed. I did not get to study fine arts, but I did get into reputable university.
Studying Abroad: A Woman's Journey
00:36:03
Speaker
I had applied to universities in Pakistan as well in the history program. They were my backup and either way, I had to move to a different city. We had no idea how my grandfather was going to react to this news. My grandfather had had a bitter mugging experience in London and that experience had altered how he viewed the city. After a lot of persuasion, he finally said, yaur kalo to perjaneuna To that, I responded, I responded,
00:36:33
Speaker
His response to that was, Khaalo, and left the table, leaving my dadi and my mother behind in utter confusion. My father had not joined us for dinner that night.
00:36:44
Speaker
He later told my parents that I am typically against sending girls abroad alone to study. But if both of you stand by this decision, then I chose to grow quiet. That made me sad, thinking he felt had he stopped me from going, I would not have respected his decision.
00:37:03
Speaker
A year later, some friends came over for dinner and asked which university I was studying at, to which my mother shared the name of the university. They applauded the fact that I was studying at such a reputable university. That became the moment for me to witness my grandfather being proud of my hard work and capabilities. It was really important for him to see that because it meant that even if girls do not take the traditional path, they can still do something good.
00:37:31
Speaker
From that point onwards, every time friends came over, he would call me up and tell them, here may poier yeah listen he may marry here He became the biggest supporter of my work from that point onwards. He would print my articles out, he would read them out. He passed away two years ago.
00:37:49
Speaker
From a young age, I carried this fear that I would be married off at the age of 16. A couple of my friends got married at this age. They finished universities after marriage, but that is never a guarantee, right? I grew up with this fear that my freedom will be limited. A lot of these thoughts emerged from the society I grew up in. My parents always told me we will do what we can but since now the mother of a girl is a mother, our hands are tied. When it came to my brother, it was decided that a well-educated girl will be pursued to break this pattern that only fairly young girls will be the first choice.
00:38:27
Speaker
But with girls, parents also feel a little restricted. Growing up with those feelings and then seeing them play out, obviously one doesn't recognize their privilege. But it was such an important moment in my life, seeing how if you pray and work really hard, life will turn out the way you wanted it to. It was very validating to see my dada being on board. He was so proud of my work.
00:38:51
Speaker
He came to see me at university. A lot of these things were important coming from a childhood where my only thought was, yeh toh ho hi nahi sakta. Not because anyone was actively saying no, but because I had not seen it play out around me. Now my sister is studying abroad. My father encouraged me to travel with my friends.
00:39:10
Speaker
My father has always pushed me to be independent. There was a lot of resentment towards society in general for me. We have created these spaces where families and girls have to think a million times before making decisions. My cousin, who completed his high school and undergrad abroad, came back when it was going to be my first year abroad. He said to me, You are excited. Look, you will be tired. You will be back again.
00:39:37
Speaker
I wanted to tell him, I don't think you understand. You are taking this for granted because it was pre-decided that you would go abroad. I wanted this. I wanted this for as long as I can remember.
00:39:50
Speaker
Where I would be studying all the time, my father would tell me, You could have studied in Pakistan like this. Go out and live the experiences you won't find in Pakistan. I remember landing and thinking, I'm actually here. i remember landing and thinking, I'm actually here.
00:40:07
Speaker
i am so grateful to my parents for making that happen. One advice that I would have for girls in the same position would be, communicate. Your parents love you and want more for you than you think.
00:40:19
Speaker
Sometimes they're also stuck. I'm not justifying parents who do not stand up for their daughters. But I think communication can make both sides realize that this is more achievable than it is.
00:40:32
Speaker
My father always advises, work hard, want hard, pray hard, and then just let it be. I've never been a letter D person. I have always been an overthinker. There was always this pressure that I'm the first girl in my family, in my community, to travel abroad to study.
00:40:50
Speaker
can't do anything wrong. Because if did something wrong, I needed to show people in my community that this can be good for girls.
00:41:06
Speaker
I hope I've been able to do that for people. Now, in my opinion, this is a beautiful way to wrap up the last story of this episode. It's
Conclusion and Reflections
00:41:14
Speaker
a bittersweet feeling if you ask me.
00:41:17
Speaker
Don't you feel the same way? Because if you notice the pattern, we started off with a very sensitive story. A girl coming face to face with her body being invaded when she had no clue of it. How she found safety and comfort outside the walls of her house, that is her school.
00:41:34
Speaker
Then we move to a girl, a woman, a child being shamed for something she did not even do or understand. She was deprived of receiving an education in school. She was deprived of friendships, of a normal life. Ek Aur Kahani, a girl who lost her father too young and grew up in her relative's shadows. She was expected to be an obedient girl. Her family did not see her as a child.
00:41:59
Speaker
They did not recognize her until she raised her voice for herself. The story of the story is strikingly different. hair It's a success story. It's the story every girl wishes she could carve for herself. i want my grandparents to be proud of me. I want my father to be proud of me. I want my mother to appreciate how good I am in business, for instance.
00:42:21
Speaker
I want my cousins to look up to me. So I want you to take this moment to reflect on your journey. We all have stories. We all have had to speak up for ourselves at some point in our lives. Some of us grew up way too quickly.
00:42:36
Speaker
So I want you to take this episode with you, carry it, take your time with it. But ultimately, i want you to come back to yourself. What is my story trying to tell me?
00:42:48
Speaker
What do these stories mean for us as citizens, as women? My name is Sarosh and you were listening to Dear Body.
00:42:59
Speaker
you