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038: Separating from your partner
403 Plays4 years ago
This episode will talk you through the practical life admin issues you will need to address if you embark on the path of separating from your partner
There have been media reports that the divorce rate is expected to spike due to COVID-19. Search engine data for divorce usually increases after Christmas and New Year, but Google has revealed that people are already considering their choices, which is unsurprising given the stresses of homeschooling, lockdown, job loss and income loss.
They talk about seeing a lawyer to seek initial advice (ideally prior to separation). If you are looking for a lawyer:
- many lawyers experienced in family law will give you an initial free or reduced-rate consultation
- ask for recommendations from friends who have gone through the same situation
- check to see if you are eligible for Legal Aid
- contact your state law society or law institute.
They talk about making the most of a meeting with lawyers including preparing information ahead of time such as:
- the history of your relationship
- a list of your assets - including rough values and details of any debts
- preparing some written questions including an estimate of costs at each stage. You might want to consider taking a friend with you to the meeting to take notes.
Mia talks about the steps she went through to prepare for her separation including:
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Transcript
Introduction to Life Admin Life Hacks
00:00:00
Speaker
This is Life Admin Life Hacks, a podcast that gives you techniques, tips and tools to tackle your life admin more efficiently, to save your time, your money and improve your household harmony.
Hosts' Personal Experiences with Separation
00:00:13
Speaker
I'm Diana Roe Roberts, an operations manager who until this week has never really contemplated the complexities of separation and divorce. I'm Mia Northrop, a researcher and writer who has been separated for just over a year and is now ready to talk about
Impact of Separation as a Common Life Event
00:00:28
Speaker
it.
00:00:28
Speaker
this episode will talk you through the practical life admin issues you'll need to address if you embark on the path of separating from your partner. Hello and welcome to Life Admin Life
Pandemic and Divorce Rates: Historical Evidence
00:00:39
Speaker
Hacks. So Daira and I wanted to tackle life event topics that are relevant to our listeners and separating from your spouse or partner is a life event that will impact just under half of us.
00:00:49
Speaker
There have also been media reports that the divorce rate is expected to spike due to the pandemic.
Comparing Pandemic to Global Financial Crisis
00:00:54
Speaker
Search engine data from Google usually increases after Christmas and New Year. But Google recently revealed that people are already considering their choices. And apparently the same thing happened after the global financial crisis.
Mia's Calm Separation Strategies
00:01:07
Speaker
I would imagine that it would be more of an impact now after having to live in such close quarters without partners for periods of time. I think that's more stressful than a GFC. Yeah. Anyway, this is something that could be a little bit of a tsunami of separations and divorces going on around the world in the next little while. Yeah.
00:01:27
Speaker
And I have to say for me, this was the most stressful or consuming situation I've ever experienced. And this was this calm, drama free, low conflict separation. And that's not always the case for everybody.
Life Admin Tasks in Separation
00:01:41
Speaker
So today we'll aim to share some approaches that can nurture your peace of mind, save you time, save you money and salvage some household harmony. So in this episode, we'll talk about arranging care for your kids, setting up a parenting plan,
Emotional and Practical Aspects of Separation
00:01:56
Speaker
Considering how the separation might affect your finances, including budgets, mortgages, bank accounts, credit cards, superannuation and tax, checking which payments and services you can apply for, like child support, and also considering legal matters, remaking wills, property settlements and court orders.
00:02:13
Speaker
Obviously, we're going to focus on the life admin aspects of separation, but there are a lot of dimensions to getting separated, and marriage is certainly more than just an administrative arrangement. Deciding to leave yours is going to have an enormous toll on your emotions, your identity, your roles.
00:02:29
Speaker
about your family life, your work life, your social life, literally every aspect. But we're gonna be talking about this very matter of factually today in an attempt to keep it objective. I know there's listeners out there who know my husband and I'm very protective of our privacy. And this is still, you know, it's ongoing and still emotional.
Divorce Statistics in Australia
00:02:46
Speaker
I'm very wary that this is a life admin podcast. We're not gonna talk about relationships and parenting. We really wanna stay on theme. And so this might come across a little clinical, but that is by design.
00:02:56
Speaker
Yes, so according to Relationships Australia, 42 and a half years is the median age for women to divorce in Australia, and almost half of divorces involve children aged under 18 years. So
00:03:10
Speaker
Parenting and the parenting plans that go with it is very relevant. Most divorces are actually from joint applicants, so about 40%, while the majority of single applicants are women around a third.
Stages of Separation: Personal Stories
00:03:22
Speaker
And the average length of marriage at the time of divorce is actually 12 years, so that's interesting. It's not the seven-year-age, it's the 12-year-age.
00:03:32
Speaker
Yeah, it is. I think for a lot of people, they've probably been thinking about it for years before it actually happens. It depends how it all goes down. It's such an individual experience based on whether the decision is mutual, whether it's initiated by you or your partner. If it happens suddenly, if there's an incident or a declaration or a revelation,
Immediate Impact and Living Arrangements
00:03:54
Speaker
Other times it can play out over a period of time based on people just discussing where things are at and how things are going and whether they've had marriage counseling. But, you know, there's high conflict situations. There might be family violence or infidelity and it literally happens overnight. And interestingly, people who separate, that 10% actually reconcile. They'll have a trial separation and they'll actually get back together. But for many others, it's 90%, you separate and that's that.
00:04:23
Speaker
Yeah, so there's actually three sort of distinct stages. There's separation and there's property settlement, and then there's divorce. But in this episode, we're going to talk predominantly about the first step, separation, because that's the moment of major change when you and your partner decide to live separately.
00:04:42
Speaker
and the impact on your life will be immediate and quite intense. So applying for divorce down the track is ultimately just paperwork and property settlement is a whole another step where you decide who gets what. We'll talk a little bit about that, but we're not going to focus on that today. Yeah. So separation happens when you and your partner stop living together as a couple and you don't need an official document to say that you're separated. One of you might decide to move out or you can actually still be separated living in the same place.
00:05:10
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't know that until today that you can be separated and still live under one roof. So that's being that's called being separated, but under the one roof. Yeah. And it's sort of just recognizing that sometimes it takes a little time to work out who's going where and and how you're going to move on.
00:05:27
Speaker
So
Name Changes and Separation Timeline
00:05:28
Speaker
if you are married, there's no rules about the maximum time you can stay separated before moving to divorce and property settlement. You can literally be separated for years and years and years. If you're a de facto couple in Australia, you have two years from a date of separation to work out the next step, which is that property settlement. You don't really have to divorce until you want to remarry. And you can go back to using your maiden name if you want to, if you've changed your name.
00:05:53
Speaker
If you want to use a different name, just apply through births, deaths and marriages. You don't need to be divorced to do that. Yeah, that's right. You have to be separated for at least 12 months before you can apply for a divorce. And as I said, you can live separately under one roof for 12 months and then get divorced if you want after that. So there's no rules around how long you can stay separated for, but it must be a minimum of 12 months if you want to actually go ahead to that divorce stage.
00:06:21
Speaker
And then after you get divorced, you have 12 months to finalize the property settlement. So lots of people get separated and then do their property settlement because it takes a while to go through that mediation process and then apply for divorce.
Conscious Uncoupling Explained
00:06:37
Speaker
Or depending if it's a crazy situation and you just want out immediately, you can separate, then get divorced, then do the property settlement within a year.
00:06:47
Speaker
Now Mia, I know that you're a bit of a fan of the Gwyneth Paltrow made famous conscious uncoupling. Do you want to tell us a bit about the steps to a conscious uncoupling? Yeah. So depending on your situation, this might be something that you plan and that you actually talk to your partner about and you plan it together. And the conscious uncoupling, it actually comes from a psychologist who wrote a book and Gwyneth followed that advice. Like Gwyneth didn't come up with this term.
00:07:14
Speaker
You just made it famous. We'll link to it in the show notes. It's by Catherine Woodward Thomas. It just talks about discussing what life is going to look like once you're separated and planning for it and approaching it as calmly as you can and methodically. But in some situations, this is not how separation goes down.
00:07:35
Speaker
It can be out of the blue, it can be blindsided, it can be, yeah, it can be very different. There could be violence involved. So, you know, having a talk might not be your first step. So, Mia, you are the expert when it comes to the two of us having lived through it very recently. So, how about if he gives the listeners a little bit of context and we can maybe talk through how you've done it. Yeah, this is a strange thing to feel like an expert in.
00:08:01
Speaker
So I've been married for 16 years, and my husband and I owned a house together and a holiday house. We have two children. And over the years, we'd had marriage counseling and discussed various issues. And we'd just reached a tipping point where we decided we're probably best not to stay together as a romantic couple. There was a lot of planning for about six months before the final conversation and the decision and pulling the trigger.
Legal Advice and Financial Preparation
00:08:27
Speaker
and really wanted to make sure that things were set up for both of us and the kids before we took that step. So we're really motivated by stability and continuity for the kids especially. But others, you know, others are going to be motivated by personal safety or financial security or just emotional distance as soon as possible if you're in a high conflict situation.
00:08:48
Speaker
Yeah, and everyone's situation is very different. And I know, Mia, that your first step certainly wasn't to consult a lawyer. But most experts do recommend you try to see a lawyer before you separate to get advice about your particular circumstances. If it's not safe for you to delay leaving the home, you can obviously see a lawyer once you've left. But because of the legal issues and particularly property and finance matters, it is probably wise to get legal advice.
00:09:15
Speaker
And we're not saying it's go to court. Legal advice is not the same as a court battle. It's just
00:09:22
Speaker
making sure you've got the right information and options. It might not need to involve any legal action. I think a lot of people go to talk to a lawyer to understand the process and the steps and bust some myths because there are real fears around, okay, if I leave, does that mean I have less claim over the property settlement? Will I lose my house because I left the house? Or does it impact custody arrangements because I decided to leave? Does it impact how I might access my children?
00:09:51
Speaker
So that initial conversation can just clarify how the law works, how you're protected and how you should best set yourself up to make that next move. Yeah. And finding a lawyer might be feel quite tricky or overwhelming, particularly if it's a very emotional time.
00:10:06
Speaker
So you can ask for recommendations from friends who've gone through the same situation or contact your state law society or find your nearest women's legal service. Or you might also be able to qualify for free legal aid so you can look up their website. Many lawyers experienced in family law will give you an initial free or reduced rate rate consultation. So you can ask about that first. But some really good tips is to make sure that you prepare before you go and see the lawyer.
00:10:36
Speaker
So you might want to document the history of your relationship, so important dates when you started to live together, when you got married, what property you brought to the relationship, your children's details. And you probably also want to prepare a list of all of your property and assets that you and your partner own. It's really helpful to give a rough value of each asset and make sure you also include any debts like home loans or credit cards.
00:11:01
Speaker
and take that with you before you go and see the lawyer so you can make the most of your time. And you might also want to consider taking a friend with you who can take notes and really be a bit more objective in what's likely to be a very emotional time.
Stability for Children During Separation
00:11:15
Speaker
Yeah. At that stage, you can talk about the cost. What does it cost to have a lawyer represent you?
00:11:19
Speaker
It's interesting that a lot of the reading that I did, the law really does encourage you to try and work things out through mediators. So when you get to that stage of talking about co-parenting, the law is very hopeful that people can work that out themselves without needing to get lawyers involved. Then there are resources that can help you with that. So Relationships Australia has lines and services and
00:11:41
Speaker
booklets and workshops that you can go to to help you get through that stuff. And then you could use a mediator to go through that property settlement because that's just, that's admin overload at that stage trying to, I mean, we just had that recent episode on contents insurance. So we talked about taking an inventory of your house so you can get it valid for contents insurance. It's basically that exercise to work out your property settlement. So yuck.
00:12:06
Speaker
So, Mia, take us through what the first stages look like practically for you. So I guess I was just sort of thinking about stability for everybody involved so that our lives just didn't fall apart afterwards. And for me, that looked like doing it gradually so that we didn't get whiplash.
00:12:24
Speaker
In terms of a time horizon, I was thinking in a year as opposed to this all needs to happen in three months. You just need to step through things gradually and methodically. I wanted to make sure I was in full-time work so that I could support myself and live independently and cover my own rent and food and utilities and all those everyday living expenses.
00:12:44
Speaker
I also wanted the kids to have predictable routines at school and at home so that we could provide continuity around their extracurricular events and our little family rituals like Friday night pizza and Saturday morning pancakes and the fact that we have Sunday dinners together. It was really important to sort of maintain that so that they don't feel like everything has changed and that extra feeling of loss.
00:13:09
Speaker
It was also really important to streamline our household systems and so things like the to-do list, the shared to-do lists and all of the checklists and our shared family calendar, the cloud storage with all of those documents scanned and uploaded and accessible for both me and my partner, as well as the password manager so that I knew we both had access to all the bank accounts that we needed and that we both had permissions to manage all those accounts.
00:13:34
Speaker
It's really important to have all of that set up so that, you know, after we were living separately, we could still access information we needed to, we could still run our lives essentially and still understand the family commitments and the kids commitments and be able to do those independently.
Steps to Financial Independence
00:13:52
Speaker
Obviously, if things are nasty between you and your partner, this becomes an issue of just understanding where your finances are, where the documents are, and ensuring you can retain access to this. And making sure you've got a copy of everything you might need if suddenly your partner might be able to take away your account access. Absolutely.
00:14:12
Speaker
And for some people, if your partner is in charge of all of the banking or paying all the bills and you're suddenly wanting to ask questions and make sure you have access, that can actually be a very uncomfortable conversation and around suspicion, depending on how things are between you. And if you're struggling on how to actually have that conversation, I would encourage people to call Relationships Australia or talk to a psychologist or a marriage counsellor as an individual.
00:14:40
Speaker
to talk about the fact that you need to set up this yourself up independently but it's going to actually cause red flags in your relationship. So the other things I looked at also were things like paperless billing and direct debit. Just setting all of that up so it was on autopilot and I applied for my own credit card at this stage as well because I wanted to make sure that I had my own credit history and also privacy for things that I needed to buy once I was living independently.
00:15:06
Speaker
So, you just, you know, in terms of your finances, he's just thinking about income, you're thinking about your own expenses and how you're going to go on financially. Now, I know there's no actual official separation document. There's no actual paperwork you need to fill out, but there are some agencies you might need to or want to tell that you and your partner have separated.
00:15:28
Speaker
And probably the first one to think about is to think about Centrelink in terms of if you already receive benefits or if you're going to need financial assistance.
00:15:38
Speaker
You can look at the Services Australia website who administer income support and family assistance payments. And you can call them to tell them about your new situation. And you can also get onto myGov to work out your eligibility for things like family tax benefit and parenting pay. Also, it might seem weird in those services, you really need to make sure you know the dates of separation and the date he or she left the marital home and things like that. So this is where record keeping becomes important.
00:16:07
Speaker
You might also want to tell your bank, depending on your financial situation, particularly if you're a guarantor or have joint liabilities. You might want to think about opening your own bank account if you didn't have a separate bank account so that you could start paying your salary into a separate bank account.
00:16:24
Speaker
You might even want to start thinking about changing the nominated beneficiary on your superannuation, thinking about your will. And you might also want to tell Medicare if you share a Medicare card or if your kids are on one of either of your Medicare cards.
00:16:39
Speaker
so that you make sure that the health records that you need to be able to access, you'll be able to continue to access. Yeah. And again, that's a very individual thing. It might be something that you need to get onto very quickly. So you can just take that checklist and work your way through.
Preparing for Independent Living
00:16:54
Speaker
Or like me, I haven't done any of that stuff yet.
00:16:59
Speaker
We'll get there. What else was important for you, Mia? Two or three other things, I guess. One was around the house and having the house organised and decluttered and knowing what was in it and that everything was tidy and maintained because I knew once we made this switch that the next 12 months were going to be really difficult and we're going to have no headspace for fixing things and I just didn't really, you know, neither of us would need the added burden
00:17:24
Speaker
of living with broken things. We just needed to be on autopilot. So getting the house in order was key to that. I also wanted to make sure I had a support network around me. We had a marriage counselor that we could speak to individually or together, but I also got a personal therapist. I just used one of those online telehealth platforms because they're very accessible and affordable. We asked around for child psychologists to help
00:17:48
Speaker
you know have sessions for the kids both individually and as a family to talk them through the changes. And I made the most of our employee assistance program at work which is through my employer. There's this free counseling and resources available through there. So there's a bit of scheduling to do there in terms of making time to see all these people and a bit of asking around to get some referrals.
00:18:10
Speaker
And then the final aspect was just having some self-care scaffolding because this is incredibly stressful. There's a lot of worry, guilt, anxiety, and just grief that you're going through while once you've made the decision and start making these change. So things like having a massage, doing exercise,
00:18:30
Speaker
going in hikes in nature with friends and just catching up with movie nights and seeing my mum meditating all that stuff really helps with the stress and the confusion and the exhaustion. Okay, so you've done quite a lot of work preparing, but practically you actually had to move out because you were the one who decided to leave the house.
00:18:50
Speaker
Practically, what did that mean? What were the steps you needed to take to find somewhere to live? Yeah, I guess I started to look at rental applications and what you needed to put on rental applications. It had been a while since I had to fill out one. So, you know, you have to put in your employment history and your residence history, like council rates or, you know, you can read your utilities. You need your 100 points of ID, license, passport, Medicare card.
00:19:14
Speaker
You need bank statements and pay slips and personal references. So I was thinking, okay, I need to just make sure I have all these documents on hand, ask a couple of friends if they're happy to be personal references. You also need money for the bond. So you need a month's rent. And I needed to work out what kind of rent I could afford. The sort of thumbnail guide is that it should be about 25 to 30% of your income. So that gave me a budget. And then I just jumped on realestate.com and searched for an apartment close to our
00:19:43
Speaker
family house that was going to be within that budget. And I went on a few inspections to see what my dollars would get me and sort of get realistic about where and the size of the apartment I could afford. I then compiled a checklist of all the things I'd need to furnish this place. So there's lots of new house checklists on the internet. We'll link to one in the show notes that essentially lists all the things that you need to buy or find.
00:20:11
Speaker
set up a new home. Luckily, we had lots of duplicates of stuff at our house, which seemed to have about five sets of cutlery, for example. But I had to buy linen. You do have to buy everything or find everything. That took time. I started buying methodically over about six months. It was about six months before us making the decision to separate and me actually moving out. I had that time to start gathering things.
00:20:35
Speaker
and I got the apartment about two months before I actually moved out so I could start taking things over there and furnishing it and setting it up before I actually had
Formalizing Parenting Arrangements
00:20:45
Speaker
to go. And again, this is not something that everyone can do. Sometimes it's literally the crap goes down Friday night and the next day a person is out and they're living on someone's couch or their parent and they need to find somewhere to live immediately. So yeah, this was fortunate that we could approach it in this way.
00:21:04
Speaker
but definitely recognize that it's very different for other situations. So let's talk about the most tricky aspect probably, which is the parenting arrangements. There are two ways of formalizing your parenting arrangements when you separate. The first one is the legal way, a parenting order, an order filed in court.
00:21:25
Speaker
And while court orders for property are final, parenting orders are not because children's needs might change over time. So parenting orders are usually flexible and contain general agreements about the client at the children's care. However, if there's a high level of conflict in your relationship, you might need to obtain orders with much more detailed arrangements, but that gets very costly because then you have to apply to the court for new orders each time your children's needs
00:21:51
Speaker
change. So I guess the preferred plan is a parenting plan, which is really what the family law reforms from 2006 encouraged parents to do, which set out arrangements in a signed parenting plan. And the plan can cover things like who the child lives with, the amount of time the child spends with each parent,
00:22:10
Speaker
and how parents share parent responsibility and financial maintenance, and the length of time for which the plan is valid. These plans can change over time as situations and needs change. So Mia, how did you go about agreeing that
00:22:25
Speaker
parenting plan. Yeah. So, we don't have a paper. We never wrote anything down because there's no conflict in our situation, so we didn't have to get so formal. It was always going to be a 50-50 arrangement. My husband's an excellent dad and totally hands-on. And it was very important for both of us that the kids saw us both equally. So, it was just a matter of fast for choosing which custody pattern, which is how many days the kids spend with
00:22:52
Speaker
each of you and we started out so that you know there's things like week on week off and there's patterns like two two three which is spending two days with one parent two days with the other parent and then alternating weekends there's actually websites to show you all the patterns
00:23:10
Speaker
When I start looking, I'm like, I can't believe there are apps. There are apps for this. Of course there are apps for this. There's a website called custody exchange website, and they talk about all of these different patterns and what's appropriate for the age of your kids.
00:23:25
Speaker
And so you're taking into account the age of your kids, like if you had a week on week off, is that too much time between seeing a parent and if they're little, they might just miss you too much. Whereas for older kids, a week on week off is much less chopping and changing. So you're taking into account the age of your kids
00:23:43
Speaker
how far it is between your homes and school. Because again, you don't want to have to be doing long drives every two days. Think about your lifestyle and the parents' availability and their capabilities and responsibility. Not everybody wants to do 50-50. So you need to look at the options and come up with something that suits for you. So we started with the 2-2-3 pattern.
00:24:04
Speaker
then this year we've moved to week on week off because the kids were like there's too much going back and forth and we're schlapping all of our school stuff when we were doing you know we're learning from home and yeah so that's where we are right now. Relationships Australia has a parenting plan booklet that talks you through the things you need to to discuss and you can document it so depending on the formality and in your situation there's
00:24:29
Speaker
from an informal discussion right through to some kind of documented parenting plan or right up to the parenting order where the courts got involved and deciding what's the best interest of the kids. So what about telling people that are important in the kids' lives like their school and things like that? Yeah. So that happened once I actually moved out. And before I moved out, we actually started living the custody
00:24:56
Speaker
arrangement so we were all in the same house but we adjusted the routine so that my husband started picking them up from school and was kind of the on duty parent for the first two days of the week and then i was on duty and then we kind of alternated weekends and the other parents would just.
00:25:13
Speaker
go to the holiday house or lay low or be out of the house most of the day. And we did that for months before I actually moved out. And so it wasn't such a major shock to the system in terms of their routine. They already knew who would take and pick them up from school. They already knew sort of, you know, who was going to be around when. And then once I got the apartment,
00:25:34
Speaker
Moved out that's when it was time to notify the kids teachers I actually hadn't told all of my family members at that stage And it wasn't till a while into it that we did tell family members But we had to advise the kids school teachers in writing of the separation just so that the pet the kids you know their teachers would have some empathy and could provide support and
00:25:54
Speaker
And if there were any major changes in their behavior or performance, I have some context for that and be able to talk to them and ask about it. I had to advise my workplace, you know, you have to update HR details, addresses, emergency contacts, that kind of thing. I think we mentioned before, you know, you can update your superannuation beneficiaries and wills and powers of attorney
Financial Planning Post-Separation
00:26:14
Speaker
or that kind of thing. If you don't want your partner involved in the same way. And we have gone into detail about that in episode 11.
00:26:20
Speaker
It was interesting because I looked at that and it might change if either of us takes on a new partner or wants to remarry. But at the moment, I was actually like, oh, it actually still makes sense for my husband to be a beneficiary because I still want the kids looked after and he was going to be the ones being looked after if something happened to me. So anyway, we also met with our financial planner together to talk about the separation and whether anything needed to change legally.
00:26:45
Speaker
or whether anything needed to change just to sort of have the best financial outcome for us. I think, you know, the financial hit to divorce couples is much discussed. Some people go to that property settlement stage very swiftly because there's a lot of hurt, betrayal, anger, whatever, and you just want to be done with that person and cut ties, but it can really screw you over financially.
00:27:11
Speaker
depending on what needs to change and if you have to sell houses or buy houses or whatever, depending on what's happening in the market and how swiftly you have to move, you might not actually get the best financial outcome. If there is that opportunity to talk about the timelines of when you do that property settlement, that can be fruitful. As I said, you can be separated for as long as you need to be before moving to that next step, and then you can go to a mediator to do that next step.
00:27:39
Speaker
At the moment, we haven't actually done the property settlement. It's going to be messy in terms of just disentangling.
Supporting Friends Through Separation
00:27:46
Speaker
I don't think it's going to be controversial and emotional, but there's been the pandemic. We've recently had a death in the family. It's just complicated and tedious, and we'll do it later. When we talk about our tax,
00:28:01
Speaker
on this podcast, it takes us ages just to do our tax each year. So this is not going to be something that's going to be done swiftly between us. Yeah. And I think if there's no urgency to do it and everything's amicable and you've got good records, then it actually doesn't really matter. Finally, I guess for people who are listening to this, who themselves might not necessarily be thinking about getting separated, but might like me be helping a friend through their separation.
00:28:31
Speaker
some of the things that you might be able to do to help them. So, you know, obviously you can just be there for them to listen, ask them if they're looking for some advice, but maybe you can give some tips of other things you think that would have been helpful for you or were helpful for you when you were going through the peak of the separation.
00:28:50
Speaker
Yeah. I think it's important to help them stay socially connected and distracted. They need some fun. It's very stressful and they're grieving. And especially if they were the friend that used to organize a lot of things, don't expect them to sustain that.
00:29:07
Speaker
expect them to still be organizing the book club or the cap top dinners because they are going through a major life event. You need to organize stuff for them to get them out and about and have some laughter. So that's key. It's also, if their custody arrangements change and they suddenly buy themselves for 50% of the time, there's no kids, there's no partner, it's actually very lonely. It's a huge loss.
00:29:32
Speaker
and anxiety and depression are very common because of the massive change and the grieving. So be on the lookout for that. You know, drop off meals as little kindnesses go a long way and just check in with them because they'll be, yeah, by themselves and struggling with all the changes going on. Depending on the custody arrangements, they might have ended up with the kids all the time. And so they have no time for themselves. So you might want opposites to babysit or hang out with the kids for a bit, give them a break. There's all that practical help you can give when they're actually moving house and
00:30:02
Speaker
Getting together furniture they're setting up a new home that literally gonna need everything so if you got extra vases or knives or plants or whatever just help them to start again for me I hit a stage where I just got decision fatigue.
00:30:22
Speaker
I lived without a fridge for six months because I'd made so many decisions. I had to buy so much stuff in a short period of time. I couldn't face the idea of looking at all the models of fridges in the market. We've done podcast episodes on comparison shopping. I know how to do it efficiently, but I just was vegan for six months. I had no meat or dairy.
00:30:46
Speaker
or anything in the house because I didn't have a fridge and I couldn't be bothered. If someone had to come and said, come on, we're going off to the good guys and I'm going to help you buy a fridge, I would have been like, oh, thanks, let's just do that. And then if you could just recommend, if you know good marriage counsellors or psychologists or movers or mediators or lawyers or financial planners, any of those people, if you know good ones, recommend them so that they can get the help and the support that they need.
Divorce Application Process
00:31:12
Speaker
Wow, that's pretty intensive. I think just to finish off, we'll just say, you know, we mentioned that divorce is really just paperwork at the end. So you can actually just apply for a divorce without using a lawyer. You literally download a form or fill out a form on the Family Law Courts website. If it's a joint application, you just fill it out and off it goes.
00:31:34
Speaker
If you're putting in a sole application, then it might be sent to the other person. But that is literally just a feeling in a form at the end of the day.
Final Advice and Community Invitation
00:31:43
Speaker
So there's not a lot of life admin and controversy surrounded by that.
00:31:46
Speaker
Our top hacks, if you're thinking about getting separated or supporting someone is to make sure that you're informed before making any decisions. It can be really easy to rush in and make poor judgment calls in the heat of what can be a very emotional time. Make sure you've got a good support network in place and reach out and ask for help. And make sure you've got your life admin in order before you get separated because separation brings another layer of chaos. And if things aren't in good order to start with,
00:32:17
Speaker
It makes what's a very stressful time even more stressful.
00:32:22
Speaker
If you'd like to join us on our life admin journey, please head to our Facebook page, life admin life hacks to follow us and share your thoughts on what we're doing and feel free to post any comments or certainly post suggestions that we might be able to use. We hope to see you there. Thanks for listening. Show notes for this episode are available at life admin life hacks.com. If you're a fan, please subscribe and share the love and tell a friend or review us in your podcasting app.
00:32:51
Speaker
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