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Public Speaking: Breaking Down this Common Fear
39 Plays3 months ago
In this episode of “Water Cooler Wisdom,” we sit down with Stacy Ferratti, a seasoned coach from Interaction Associates, renowned for enhancing presentation skills. Stacy delves into the challenge of stage fright, explaining its roots in our evolutionary fear of rejection and offering practical tips to overcome it.
Discover why silence during presentations can feel daunting and how embracing pauses can enhance your message. Learn about the importance of body language, breathing techniques, and mental shifts that can transform your public speaking approach. Stacy shares effective strategies, such as engaging with the audience early and practicing with video feedback.
Join us for this insightful conversation and equip yourself with tools to boost your confidence and effectiveness on stage. Whether you’re a seasoned speaker or looking to overcome your fear of public speaking, this episode offers practical advice and inspiration to elevate your stage presence.
References:
Expensify
Recommended
Transcript
The Fear of Public Speaking
00:00:11
Speaker
Picture it. The spotlight's yours. Maybe it's not a beam of light over your head, but certainly the undivided attention of the room. Your palms are sweaty. There's a nod developing in your stomach. And all of a sudden, you've forgotten how to breathe normally. To top it all off, your mind has gone completely blank. This is a reality for many of us when it comes to public speaking or preparing for a difficult conversation.
Meet Stacey Farrati, Public Speaking Expert
00:00:36
Speaker
In today's episode of Water Cooler Wisdom, we're turning the mic to this common fear. We're unraveling the mystery behind its tight grip on us and sharing some tips on how to stand tall and deliver your message with confidence. So join us as public speaking expert Stacey Farrati lights the path from nerve racks to cool, calm, and captivating.
00:01:01
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Water Cooler Wisdom. I'm your host, Rachel Grahle. And I am Jake Locker. And I am so excited to talk about our topic today, trigger warning for everyone out there.
Personal Journeys with Public Speaking
00:01:18
Speaker
We're going to be talking about public speaking. Well, trigger warning indeed. Did anyone stomach? Did your stomach just drop a little Jake? Just a little when you said that. Yes. I mean, just a whole lot of things came screaming back to me. Yeah. ah So maybe some of our listeners can relate to you on this. What's what's your experience? It sounds like not your favorite thing.
00:01:41
Speaker
You know, I actually used to love it in college. My, my degree was advertising and the entire experience I had to do public speaking basically all the time. I did advertising competitions in front of like rooms of hundreds of people. But you know, I, after that, I just fell out of practice. i I don't know what happened to me. And so I, whenever I got up in front of a room again, after a few years, you know, I felt all all the feelings people are thinking of right now. the things in your stomach, the forgetting everything, it goes blank, it all happened to me. And then it's just kind of been, nah, ever since. And then once that happens once, then we think, uh-oh, it could happen anytime. i I never know if I can trust myself in front all of all those people. Absolutely.
00:02:28
Speaker
Yeah, it's a really common fear. i think i I wish I knew the statistic for this. i've I've heard it's like one of the most cited major fears. It is. It is number one. I remember my public speaking teacher, I did i had courses in this too, and she would mentioned that it is the number one fear, yes. The number one fear. I mean, personally, I'm more afraid of a tsunami than I am of public speaking, but <unk>che I mean, I guess a lot of people wouldn't agree with me on that. Yeah, well, what's your experience? Not tsunamis, but your alex you know, I've had to do a fair amount of it and it always gets my heart pumping. I will say that it's never totally easy, but I try to remember that I'm choosing to
Understanding and Managing Public Speaking Anxiety
00:03:16
Speaker
be up there. you The reason why I get a little nervous is because it it usually really matters to me. I want to do a good job.
00:03:24
Speaker
Yeah. And so I try to just remember that, that it's like, it's also, it's the flight of the arrow, right? I prepare as much as I can. And then you take aim and you let go and you hope that it lands somewhere. Gotta hope. Yeah. But half the time, you know, it's just like, I get up there and I, some people talk about blacking out a little bit. You just yeah get into the flow and do your best. And you're like, okay, what happened? But yeah, It's mixed, you know, it's, it's never just a walk in the park, but I think there's something special about that. It's like, it's a differentiated experience in life. And so that's why I think it's going to be really cool to, to talk with our guests more about it and hear some tips. Yes. Looking forward to it. Should we get started? Let's dive in. All right.
00:04:15
Speaker
Stacey Farrati is a seasoned coach passionate about elevating her clients' presentation skills, ensuring they persuade and inspire. At Interaction Associates since 1991, she has shaped key programs focusing on personal capability in creating collaborative and creative environments. Stacey's expertise extends to coaching on presentation and communication skills with an impressive client roster, which includes Cisco, Microsoft, Stanford University, CommonSpirit Health, showcasing her broad impact across industries. Welcome, Stacey.
The Science Behind Stage Fright
00:04:51
Speaker
We're so glad you're here. I'm so happy to be with you. Thank you.
00:04:55
Speaker
Yeah, I'm especially excited about this topic as someone who who really deals with the stage fright that I'm sure a majority of people listening do. You're not alone. hell Not at all. So i'm I'm interested to get into this topic and I want to kick it off by touching on that stage fright that we get of, you know, one, why is this fear so common? And so what's happening with us that we go into that, you know, fight or flight mode whenever we're on stage? You know, I literally just looked this up. Why is this so common? Because pretty much everybody has it. yeah I've had a handful of people over the years who say they don't have some sort of anxiety or stage fright or whatever you want to call it. And when I'm in a class with those people, I watch them really carefully because almost always they have it, but they don't know it.
00:05:49
Speaker
And it shows up in other ways. They're not aware of it. It's really rare that someone has nothing going on. So it turns out that the reason it's so common is because it goes back to our way, way, way back ancestors and has to do with fear of rejection. And it's also why I think that silence is so problematic for speakers because when we say something and no one responds in any way, we feel that anxiety of rejection. And you've probably had that happen when someone's listening deeply even to you. They actually are paying attention, but they don't say anything. And you're like, why are you not talking? yeah Why are you not giving them any feedback? So that's it. It's just a basic fear of rejection. Amazing.
00:06:38
Speaker
That's interesting. That makes sense too. Like I, I, that's why I don't like presenting when I don't see people's faces. I hate audio only. If I job interviews, hate audio only. I need to see that facial reaction of what I'm saying. yeah Right, getting that feedback, it's almost that social proof. Am I doing it right? Is this okay? How is this landing? It's exactly it's really an amazing thing to think about that rejection is that core fear that we have. And i I don't know about you, but I feel like there's there's lots of things happening in my physical body as well. Like I noticed my hands get a little clammy, but you know the heart starts to beat. What are some of the the key physical markers that people can look out for, maybe if they're not even aware that it's anxiety of public speaking? Well, what's happening is that there's in the midbrain, the emotional part of our brain, there's two almond shaped clusters of nerves called the amygdala.
00:07:38
Speaker
And the amygdala's job is to keep us safe. And it does that by looking for danger. And it considers making a presentation a dangerous situation. we We're not being chased by a saber-toothed tiger. That's not what's happening, but it does kick the body into fight or flight.
Techniques for Overcoming Stage Fright
00:08:01
Speaker
maybe Maybe at a lower level, fine, not, you know, But it still is fight or flight. And so what happens is the amygdala does what's called amygdala hijack. It hijacks the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our the executive function of the brain. This is where we make good decisions from. It's where we think because that part of the brain is not useful if you are literally in mortal danger. If you're in mortal danger, you just need to get out of dodge.
00:08:30
Speaker
don't think just run. yeah think Just run. Exactly. And so this part of the brain isn't any good for that because this part of the brain would go, huh, there's a saber tooth tiger over there. Hey, everybody, I think we should do something about this. lot of competing Let's go, which is really great when you're in a business meeting and not great at all if your body is in mortal danger. So what happens is we go into that fight, flight or freeze response. So people might notice that their hands get clammy. You might notice a kind of brain fog that's happening, which is literally what is happening. You cannot think as well because you're not doing something intellectual. You're trying to run or jump to get to become safe.
00:09:16
Speaker
Your heart rate tends to be faster. Your breathing is rapid and shallow, which is why one of the things I always say to people is take a longer, slower breath. It doesn't have to be an audible breath. In fact, it shouldn't be. o You're already not doing that. You're just calming yourself down. You're trying to interrupt the amygdala hijack. yeah I love that. I think that, boy, that brain fog is the thing that is the most terrifying for me, where I think, okay, am I going to be able to do this? Because all of a sudden, I'm not able to think. And I love that idea of taking a long, deep breath. I certainly do that. What are some other ways that we can start practicing to make ourselves a little bit more comfortable? Tell the amygdala, like, it's okay, I got this.
00:10:06
Speaker
Well, one thing that I tell people to do around that breath, because people are like, what, you mean I'm supposed to stand in front of people and breathe? Which of course, no, it doesn't good. It's just a little strange if that's all they were doing. I tell them to take a sip of water or their tea or coffee, whatever they have. I always recommend that you have room temperature or a little bit warm or slightly cool, but no ice and preferably no dairy either. because Well, here's the other cool but biological fact. Sometimes you get dry mouth, right? There should be two reasons for that. One might be you have a certain medication that's doing that. But if you're not on medication and you're standing up in front of people, chances are the reason you have dry mouth is because your body is in fight or flight. What happens in fight or flight is the body shuts down all non-essential
00:11:04
Speaker
activity because the only thing that matters in that moment is keeping the body alive. One of the things the body shuts down is digestion. The first step of digestion is saliva in the mouth. So that's why you get that dry mouth. And it's another reason you must have something. You have to have it because you can't talk if you literally have no saliva in your mouth. So having something to drink. So you take this sip of tea or water, whatever,
00:11:36
Speaker
That's what the audience sees you do. And in that moment, as I just did it, I took a longer, slower breath. If I had needed to, I might also have checked my notes. If I had any, I don't have any today, but I often do. I might also have put both feet solidly on the floor because that helps ground you if you focus on your feet being solidly attached to the floor. And you may often find that if you're nervous, your feet are not solidly attached to the floor. You've lifted up your heel or your toes, you're standing on the outside of your feet, so get them flat, get them solid. Yeah, and if you're not someone who stands, just kind of rooting down from wherever you are, feeling that sense of contact wherever you are is ah such a great tip. Yes, even if you're seated, same thing. If you're seated on the floor,
00:12:31
Speaker
Also, sometimes when we feel anxious, we start to curve our shoulders forward. So if you notice that, just do just you know subtly move your posture back so that you are the front plane of your body is open. That's another thing. So what do people do when they stand in front? Now, we're we're virtual right now. and We're mostly on audio, so you're not seeing a whole lot of me. But imagine that you're in front of a group. What do people do? they get the prayer hands going, or the fig leaf, or they cross their arms, all these protective gestures. Well, that's really natural to do, it's normal to do, but it's not helpful for you or the audience. One of the best things you can do is train the body to be open, just so that you can learn to comfortably stand with your arms at your sides in front of a group. Not because you'll only do that, no, of course, you'll gesture and you'll move, you'll do all those things.
00:13:29
Speaker
But when you stand in an unprotected stance, the audience automatically perceives you as confident. And then if you add gestures and you move, you know how to walk in the space, you look like you own the place. And want to prove this to yourself, practice doing that, video yourself doing it and with, don't you don't even have to say anything or you can talk gibberish. but Whatever you say turn the sound down and watch yourself as you're walking around looking like you own the place That is better for you, but it's also better for the audience because then they relax They say oh, we're in good hands here. I don't have to worry about that speaker You probably had that experience where the person on stage isn't doing so well and you're worried about them You don't want the audience to worry about us
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah, I was wondering if with you what kind of caught me was the, the silence part. I think of that a lot whenever, you know, sometimes I feel like I have to fill the void and I don't shut up. And I know I would, if I'm on stage and it's just me, I'm afraid of that silence. So I run out of breath and then I just throw my, myself off entirely. Uh, any tips on that or making people feel more comfortable with that silence? Yeah. One thing is the silence that you perceive is not the silence that the clock is tracking who or two seconds where you take a breath or you just pause because you're at a comma or a period, which must do, by the way, pause to let people take the information in. If you just talk really, really fast because you're really, really nervous and you just keep going and going and going
Engagement and Connection with the Audience
00:15:11
Speaker
in there. They're not going to get the message because they don't have time to digest it. So your memory is limited. And if you just keep pouring, it's like pouring on a cup of tea, right? You pour in the tea. And if you don't stop when you get to the top of that cup, it's not going to get any fuller. It's as full as it can get, but it's going to spill out all over the place. Well, that's the same thing that happens with information.
00:15:37
Speaker
But when you pause at a comma, at a period, I'm not talking about 10 seconds, a second, a half a second, a second and a half, those pauses feel long to you until you learn to do them. But for the audience, they go by like this, not a big deal. What to do is once again, set up your phone, video yourself and notice that when you pause, it feels really long to you. And when you watch the video, it looks great. sure Yeah, I feel like there's something about when we're up there we're being really
00:16:17
Speaker
finally attuned to what I'm doing and what are people thinking about me. But we're generally offering something by way of knowledge or experience. And so the audience is thinking about what is this person bringing? What is the idea that they just said? And so there's something like a ah mind shift in and that I'm thinking about, recognizing that it's actually not about me. And if I can take it a little less personally, like it's about the audience experience and the information that they're receiving, the thoughts that they're having, and just make making myself a little less important in a way. 100%. One of the best things I ever learned from one of my colleagues and good friends at Interaction Associates
00:17:07
Speaker
was before a public workshop. I was early days of my training career. I was very nervous. I was in the ladies room beforehand and I was like, oh, I'm so nervous. And she looked at me, I was looking for sympathy, you know, empathy, because I was so nervous. And she said, who are you thinking about right now? Busted. Me. She said, how about if you think about them? And I saw and heard a spotlight. I saw it in my mind's eye that it was here and it went earth and it just quickly turned and it changed my whole experience. So then I walked into the classroom instead of with my thoughts being, am I good enough? Are they going to like me? Do I know enough? All of that stuff, which was me, me, me, me, me focused. Yeah. It was like, Hey, who are you? What brings you here? What are you hoping to get out of this today? completely different. And that is one thing I would advise people, think about one, when you hear your negative voice saying, I'm not good at this, or I'm ah worried about this or whatever, just replace that, acknowledge it. That is how you feel. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's just not ultimately helpful. So change the dialogue about, wait a second, I have value that I'm bringing here. What's the best way I can bring that?
00:18:34
Speaker
But when you're in front of the audience, I want you to think about two things. I don't want you to think about your body language, and I certainly don't want you to think about, are you doing a good job? I want you to think about the content, the value that you're bringing, and them. That's it. Just stay focused on them. Listen to what they say. Adapt along the way as you need to. Listen, adapt, listen, adapt.
00:18:58
Speaker
having that receptivity and curiosity, what's going on for them? What do they need right now? I love that refocusing, thank you. Yeah, there's something, yeah the I, sorry, go ahead, Stacy. I was gonna say about being curious, you know, you're not always curious. Like that's the reality, right? So what I do is I say to myself, if I were curious right now, what would I ask this person? And then I ask that question, And most of the time, I'm suddenly curious. It's amazing. It really is. They say something, it's interesting, and now I'm engaged. And even if it takes another question or two, I can get there. And that, again, it's a mental shift. When you don't want to be there for whatever reason, or you're not enthusiastic. I mean, if you're not enthusiastic about what you're presenting, how is anybody else supposed to be?
00:19:55
Speaker
you' got to convince yourself first before you try to persuade anybody else. Absolutely. that Yeah, you know something ah you can tell me if I maybe I'm off base on on my framing of this but I Something I found useful when I do presentations is engaging the audience extremely early so I can get some sort of actual response for them a laugh um ah agreement as something a verb more verbal than anything else and it just kind of relaxes me so maybe it's a joke off the bat and It can be cheesy or not. It just depends on how I'm feeling, but it also kind of humanizes me and also brings everyone else into it a little bit. And then my nerves kind of say, okay, they're with me. Exactly. 100%. And I would say even before you go up to do the presentation, you should do exactly what you said. I can remember one time I was at a big conference for a high tech company and I was, I was speaking in front of about 200 people.
00:20:56
Speaker
I walked around the room in advance and met a few people and asked them why they were there and what was going on in their world. And then I took those two, three stories and remembered all their names, of course, and wove them into, I was teaching presentation skills and wove them into what I was teaching that day. And it made me calmer because I felt like I had some friends in the audience. but also it signaled to the audience, oh, she knows something about us. No, I didn't know something about all 200 people, but I knew something about their world anyway. I mean, in the first place I did, but I also knew some specific things and people could relate to the stories. I obviously chose stories that made sense in that way. It's also really important to shape people these days that not only don't shake people's hands all the time, but at least to greet people, meet them, say hello to people, so that not only are do you get humanized, but they get humanized to you. Because we have a tendency to think of the audience as the scary people, like those scary ones. But no, they're just people. And they've come for a reason. They want to hear most of the time. They want to be there. Sometimes in trainings, they're not, you know, they were sent by their boss.
00:22:15
Speaker
which is in my world, but most of the time they want to be there. And even when they have been sent, my job is to win them over and help them see how they can use whatever the topic is that I'm there to talk to them about. So yeah, Jake, a hundred percent, you you want to connect because it'll calm you down and it'll make you real to them as well. Right. We validate that there are other humans and not a bunch of tigers. They have to rip us to shreds. Yes, exactly, Rachel. And if there are tigers, it's good to know where they are. So when you're looking around and you're meeting people and
00:22:56
Speaker
You know, it's good to know, like who's who's so who's the alligator who's gonna bite me in the butt here? And not that you can necessarily tell that from facial expression or body language. You must be very careful about that because you don't know what people's facial expression means. I had a woman in class one time that had big groups. I hadn't met all of them, about 30 people in a big U shape. And every time I looked at her, I i saw this look on her face and my brain would go, She hates this. She was sent. She's a prisoner. That's what we call students who don't want to be in class. She hates me, but, you know, all this stuff and every one of these thoughts that would pop into my brain, I would say, don't buy it. Don't buy it. Don't buy it. Don't buy it. Because I knew if I started to believe the story, my brain was concocting that I would treat her badly.
00:23:52
Speaker
Not intentionally, but in some subtle way, maybe I would stop making eye contact with her. Maybe if she asked a question, I'd have a sharp tone in my voice. Maybe I'd get a look on my face. I went up to this woman on the first break and I said, hey, I wanted to say hello, meet you. How's the class going? She said, oh, I've been on the waiting list for this class for three months. And she said, I really wanna be here, but I feel like I'm being stabbed in the head. She said, I have a horrible earache. I'm so sick, but I didn't wanna miss it. 100 degrees from the story my brain was making up. You cannot, I mean, note people's body language for sure, note it, but don't assume you know what it means. Don't get afraid because somebody's frowning at you. They may just have RBF. I have it, I get it, yeah.
00:24:45
Speaker
This is such a good tip because I do notice that when I'm delivering trainings, I see people's facial expressions and when I can check in with them and say, how's it going? But I think it's such an important reminder for people to not make assumptions and because our protective mechanisms are kicking in and they're like, uh oh, watch out. Is that the danger? Is that the alligator? That's exactly right. I had a class one time, about 10 or 12 people, Two days, presentation skills. They hardly talked the whole time. I could not get them to engage in the way that I was thinking they might want to engage, that I'd like them to engage. Straight vibes. I was shocked because I thought these people barely talked to me, but they were very introverted group. They learned a lot. They just weren't verbal about it. They didn't express a whole lot.
00:25:42
Speaker
I assume that's five out of five, not five out of 10. 100% approval. Great fives. I thought, whoa, because I would have thought, I don't know how these evaluations are going to go, but they were really good. and so that's that you know Another reminder to self, don't make assumptions. You don't know what's going on. and Check things out. you know It's okay. It's scary, but it's it's not only okay, but a good idea. If you're not sure if you're hitting the mark, you stop and you say, hey, I just want to stop for a moment and see if I'm on track for you. How am I doing? Am I hitting what you need? If not, what do you need? And you have to be willing to hear, no, you're not hitting it. And here's what we need. And then don't go in a panic when what they need is not something you can provide in that moment.
00:26:38
Speaker
yeah What you want to figure out is how can you get it to them? How can you help them with that thing?
Virtual Presentation Tips
00:26:44
Speaker
Or do you have a short answer that you could give them now and maybe do some research and give them more information later? But you have to be willing to hear, nah, this isn't doing it for me. And it's even more complicated when we're virtual because it's even harder to tell if people are with you or not. Yeah, I know that we are running a little short on time, but is there anything specific to the virtual environment that you'd want to share? Yeah, use the tool. Well, it depends on the audience, but use the tools of the platform that you're in. So get people to give you a green check or raise their hand or type something in chat. You run a poll. When you're using slides, if you are using slides, let's say you have bullet points on a slide.
00:27:34
Speaker
animate them, bring and don't use the animation function depending on the platform you're in because the animation won't work, but build the slides. So you have five slides that look like it's animating, but it's really five different slides because virtually we need more things to change than we do when we're face to face. Cause when you're face to face, you're in front of the room and they can see you and you can see them. And there's a lot of just energetic interaction that's going on. virtually we're missing most of that. And oh, email is right over there. And it's so easy for them to go over there. The siren song of David. If they are over there, then out of the corner of their eye, they see something change on the screen. So that might pull them back. So you want to have more changes on the visuals and you want to think about bringing them in in a variety of ways. Yeah.
Rapid-Fire Questions with Stacey Farrati
00:28:30
Speaker
I love that. I think that's great tips.
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, these have been awesome, awesome tips. And now we have the hard hitting questions that we're going to throw your way. I hope you're ready for these. I'm ready, I think maybe. All right. All right. A rapid fire. So first question, coffee or tea in the morning? Tea. Tea. What about early bird or night owl work style? Oh yeah, I think I was in bed at nine o'clock last night, so definitely early bird. More early bird, yeah, I get that. So far, we're same, same. but yeah What about an app or platform or software, something like that, that you swear by with your work? You know, Expensify changed my life. and I never heard that one. Because before Expensify, I was taping all my receipts and scanning and whatever, and now I just forward them.
00:29:23
Speaker
into the app or I take a picture of them live in the moment when I'm in the restaurant or whatever. And it really did make a huge difference for me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. I just had like flashbacks to me doing that for expenses a few, not even that long ago. so that long good so me go back yeah ah What about a book that has made a significant impact on you? Harry Potter. Yes. Oh, nice. Good. I love getting, you know, fiction in here usually, which is great. Nonfiction or, you know, all that is amazing, but mine's usually fiction as well. So yes, great. Then last question. If you could have a water cooler chat with anyone dead or alive, who would it be and why? Paul McCartney. Because I love him with all my heart.
00:30:19
Speaker
all
00:30:22
Speaker
And really, dead or alive, I take all four beetles because I love them with all my heart. Nice.
Closing Remarks and Resources
00:30:30
Speaker
Well, where can people find out more about the work that you do and dive into all more of the tips that you have? They can go to StaceyFerrati.com. Fantastic. We will add that to the bio of this or whatever about the episode, so you'll have it. Great. Well, I just really appreciate the insights that you've given. I feel like I'm going to take it and and use it and run with it. And I hope the same is true for our listeners today. Yes, definitely for me. Well, thank you so much. stacey This has been, this has been awesome. Thank you guys. Yeah. Thanks for coming to our water cooler and we'll see you all for the next chat. Thank you. Bye.
00:31:17
Speaker
Thanks for listening to Water Cooler Wisdom. This podcast is brought to you by Interaction Associates, a leading professional development and leadership training organization whose mission is to help people work better together. If you'd like to learn more, visit interactionassociates.com. If you have questions, comments, or are interested in collaborating with this podcast, you can email us at watercoolerwisdom at interactionassociates.com.