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Family Matters
61 Plays2 months ago
A discussion with a family member of a first responder about their point of view of a responder's mental health.
Recommended
Transcript
Intro and Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey
00:00:13
Speaker
everybody, welcome to Under the Helmet. I'm your host, Josh Van Dusen. With us today, I've got my son Sullivan. We call him Sully. And we're going to address... um Kind of the the family point of view and the family topic um of first responder mental health.
00:00:32
Speaker
ah Some of the topics that we want to discuss today or maybe some of the the questions that family members have for first responders that they never really ask. or maybe you know kind of give an insight to what goes on in a first responder's head that they may not reveal to their family members.
Family Impact and Personal Observations
00:00:52
Speaker
um Sully has watched me through different stages and watched some of the effects that this job has had on me over 29 years, but during years.
00:01:04
Speaker
he's seen many different stages. So we're going to get his point of view of things. We're going to get some questions answered and hopefully this will, uh, enlighten some of you out there and and help your your spouses and your kids and your family members just to kind of get a better understanding of the some of the things that we go through and some of the things that we that go on in our minds and in our point of view of of why we're that way.
00:01:35
Speaker
um want to To start out, well Sullivan has prepared a couple of questions, and we're going let him kind of ask those questions, and I'll kind of give a response, and we'll go from there. And hopefully this ah this brings to light some things. so Yeah.
00:01:56
Speaker
So, Sully, just fire away and we'll
Emotional Challenges of First Responders
00:02:00
Speaker
get going. Well, I mean, I've asked you, like, before, like, obviously, because me and you all sit down and we'll we'll watch TV together and you'll come home from work after you you nap and stuff. and i And I try to, like, just ask you and make sure that you have, like, an okay day. um But one of the questions I ah like often wonder, for example, like if we're if we're riding in the car together, go get something to eat. like ill ask like it the I'll ask in my head, is there like certain types of calls that like affect you? And I guess like this is the best way I've had to word it. Is um like is there like a certain type of them? Because I assume from like an outsider standpoint that...
00:02:39
Speaker
I see that, okay, well, maybe like, for example, let's say there's like a father out there and like he has like a young daughter that's just been born and he has to like, for example, like a firefighter, he goes in and like in the Pete episode, he found some kids that have been like burnt up um and they're like the same age as his daughter and that may affect him. I'm wondering if there's certain types of calls like that, that maybe you relate back to me and my brother and like other stuff like that.
00:03:05
Speaker
And so is there like certain type, what I'm trying to like get to, is, is, is there like certain types of calls that transition back to you that like may not hurt when you're at the station, but maybe on your drive home, maybe your next drive to work, or maybe just kind of hits you when you're alone. Is there anything like that?
00:03:22
Speaker
um I think any first responder will tell you the the hardest call center are kids just because they're kids. Yeah. um There can be a personal relation in there when you respond to a call that you might mentally connect to to your family. And whether it be a kid, whether it be a...
00:03:46
Speaker
a person that reminds you of your spouse, whether it be a person that reminds you of one of your parents or a sibling, something like that, they that you might make a personal connection on and it come back to you. I can remember years ago, um running a CPR in progress call on a lady that was the same age as my mother at the time.
00:04:11
Speaker
And ah her son, who was about my age, was she was sitting at the the breakfast table after her morning run and she just fell over and her son was there and witnessed it and and started CPR on her.
00:04:23
Speaker
And that one affected me some because I ah ah thought, man, How would I feel if I had to do CPR on my mom? And, you know, I'm very close with my mother. So it made it, it made a connection there and it made that that one kind of difficult to deal with just because of the relation the personal relation that it had to my
Coping with Unfairness and Limits
00:04:46
Speaker
life. So I think in some aspects, every first responder, you're going to find those calls that you relate back to your loved ones yeah and make those calls a little bit different difficult. um the
00:05:00
Speaker
The children are always difficult because they're children and we all love children and we all, you know, they're they're innocent. They don't, you know, not that anybody deserves, you tragic things to happen to them, but I guess the innocence in and the lack of of life that they've had makes it very fragile for us.
00:05:25
Speaker
A question was asked to to me, um um I kind of picked my sister-in-law's brain some on this before prior to the podcast just because I wanted to to get some input from a spouse on, you know, maybe some questions that she had and maybe kind of able to shed some light for her.
00:05:51
Speaker
So one of the things that she brought forward is, you know, how do we deal with the, you know, kind of the inconsistency of,
00:06:06
Speaker
there or the unfairness, I should say, the unfairness of death out there. and And so, you know, we look at, you know, why did this child lose their life in ah in a car accident, but the drunk that hit them was fine and not injured? You know, how is that fair?
00:06:24
Speaker
and And so that can be very mentally taxing on a first responder because, you know, some and and even a family member, you can see that, you know, that that that seems very unfair. And in whether you believe in God or whether you believe in something else or whatever, the selection of who lives and dies or who sustains major injury or who doesn't ah seems a bit unfair. And Sometimes. And so it doesn't it doesn't always lay out the way that our minds would think that would be you know a fairness. And like I said before, not that it that it's fair or anything for anybody to be killed in a tragic way or to be injured in a tragic way. it just...
00:07:12
Speaker
Some of it seems unfair. I don't know how else to put it. So those calls definitely affect um me more, I guess, you know, the the ones that i I feel are unfair, that they didn't deserve the fate that they got. Yeah.
00:07:32
Speaker
So that... And I really don't know what to say about dealing with that other than because nothing we can do can change that. Yeah. I was taught many years ago when I first started into to EMS work. My first EMS instructor on my first day of EMT school um stood up in front of class and he said, you know, rule number one that you always need to remember in this job is people die.
00:08:01
Speaker
And there is there are times that you will not be able to do anything about it. It doesn't matter how hard you work, how knowledgeable you are, or what skills you put in place.
00:08:15
Speaker
Sometimes it's not going to change it. There's nothing we can do to change that. yeah That's difficult for us because we want to be effective in our work.
00:08:26
Speaker
um And it's difficult for... families of victims because they want to know why, you know, sometimes that is a part of grief. They could place blame on a first responder and want to know why, you know, did you, did you do enough?
00:08:43
Speaker
and yeah And just to let you know, we have the same thoughts in our head. I've walked away from a mini calls where I thought, did I do enough? I do the right thing. You've told me about a couple like that. Um,
00:08:58
Speaker
But, like, one thing, i like, you were just to kind of call back on that first, like, question I asked you there with the different type of calls. You continued it to, like, um like kind of where, like, the...
00:09:13
Speaker
How do you not necessarily deal with it? I'm trying to remember what you said. I'm blanking on it. That's, uh, it's, Oh, the unfairness of life. unfairness Like as like an outsider, I guess that's like the best, like I want to say bystander, but not really by, I guess outsiders, the loose term you can use for it. But like as an outsider, I think that like,
00:09:36
Speaker
we as not first responders also probably see that unfairness of death, like even more, cause we don't have the knowledge that goes on. Once you get in the box at the back of the ambulance or like what goes on before family shows up to the call and has to like confirm and, and do that certain thing.
00:09:57
Speaker
Yeah. it
00:10:01
Speaker
I think that the unfairness is, is I don't know that that's a question that will ever get answered in this lifetime, just because there
Balancing Family and Professional Life
00:10:11
Speaker
is no real explanation to it.
00:10:13
Speaker
and I am a believer. I believe in God. And and i believe that there is a plan for everything and yeah that nothing happens, you know, out here um without his hand being in it.
00:10:29
Speaker
Can we always explain it? Absolutely not. In the majority of the time, we can't explain it. There's not an explanation for it. um There are...
00:10:41
Speaker
I guess safeguards that I put in my head that I use and things that I tell myself to help me process certain incidences that I go to.
00:10:52
Speaker
One of the biggest things that I do is that like with children, you know, with a loss of life and children, um always tell myself that that God took them because he was preventing an even bigger tragedy in the future yeah for this child.
00:11:08
Speaker
um so in in So I feel like maybe it was a way that God was protecting a child from something. that the in that It may be true, it may not. I don't know. We'll find out Someday, I guess, you know, but but at this point, you know, that's that's one of the things that I, one of the techniques I use to help me process through some of this and and to help me accept um some of the things that I witness and deal with.
00:11:39
Speaker
on that topic of deal with like of witnessing and stuff like that. Um, there's an instance in like, are you'll know where I'm going with this story. Uh, I, it's one of my, it's not like a favorite story to tell cause it's so short, but it's, it's very memorable. Um, it's the Waffle House story. Do you know talking about?
00:11:58
Speaker
It's okay. Well, this was a long time ago. I was very young. um, And i remember this vividly and I didn't understand it then. Cause I was so like, man, I want my dad to be home with me, you know, out helping somebody else. Like, and we can get into that more. Cause I'm kind of tying that into what that is. But i I remember like, this was probably when I was younger than like my brother. Um,
00:12:21
Speaker
And it was like, I remember we were sitting at the Waffle House and I can't remember if you like, i don't know if you, if, if pagers were still a thing here or if like you had one of the old radios, like the, what you know what I'm talking about? Like the thick antennas. um But I remember it, like it was loud. The tone, like I remember hearing the, um the tones go off on your radio, like while we were sitting in a Waffle House. And I remember you getting up.
00:12:46
Speaker
And I can't remember, I think we all drove there together, and i can't remember if it was like a structure fire or if it was... But you were active like as a fire, you weren't doing EMS. I mean, you were doing you do you were doing luth you were doing EMS at the time, but you were going in as a firefighter to this. And I remember...
00:13:02
Speaker
like you had the call to duty right there at like 12 o'clock, like not 12, like probably like nine o'clock at night while we were sitting at a waffle house and you had to go help them while, while we like were there and we ate and stuff. And there's been a lot of experiences with that, you know, and I've noticed even like, uh, for example, when me and you will go eat lunch together, you finish your food a lot quicker than I do. um,
00:13:28
Speaker
and And that probably, like, I'm assuming that probably stems from, like, years of, well, I've got to scarf this down so that way i can i can get it down and I can make sure that I eat so that way I can go to my next call and stuff like that. And I'm going to tie this into another question here because like because I'm going to kind of split it off into two.
Mental Health Support and Improvements
00:13:50
Speaker
I've also noticed, for example,
00:13:53
Speaker
you can we can be sitting out in the living room and you'll be in your chair and you can sleep like at me. had, there's a process I have to go through before I have to sleep. Like, and I remember you telling me a while ago, you're like, it's a, it's like, I just have to get sleep when I can.
00:14:07
Speaker
i was like, yeah, I understand that. Um, especially with like when you have to run like a 24 hour shift and you have a call at 3am, the 3am. And then all of a sudden you're good until 7pm or some days it's just constant, you know? Um,
00:14:23
Speaker
But I guess I'll tie this into the word of how, like, yeah let me try to figure out how to word this here.
00:14:34
Speaker
I've seen this in more first responders first responders than like normal people. why do you feel that y'all get so cynical and like angry and stuff like that? Cause I always joke with you. It's cause you're, you're old, you're older, you know, but I'm like, I always just wonder, I'm like, what gets them like so angry? And obviously nowadays it's way back better. It's, it's, it's way better than it was back then. Like when you were starting out, cause I know that you've talked to me a little bit about it. Um,
00:15:06
Speaker
But i I kind of want to do two questions with this. What makes what do you think makes y'all so angry and cynical and stuff? And also, what changes have you noticed between back then and today with the...
00:15:21
Speaker
therapy side of things with y'all? Like, is it because I've noticed it's more accepted now ah to like for firefighters to go to therapy and not just root and toot and you just put it down and you'll be fine, you know? But i want um if you could answer the cynical one first and then go into the ah why is it so much better now than back then?
00:15:43
Speaker
Yeah, well, we kind of broached off into a kind of a different segment. So let's, to answer the cynical question yeah or the anger, that, to me, that was one of the symptoms yeah of the things that I had repressed. Yeah. The things that I had stored away in my little box that were coming out.
00:16:13
Speaker
That was one of the very first signs, I think, that I had some things that I needed to deal with. um I had a very long conversation with my sister-in-law and that was one of the things that she brought up is that, you know, he was so quick to anger.
00:16:32
Speaker
And so that my brother was so quick to anger and and my my son will tell you I was the same way. it didn't take much to light my fuse and and I was over the edge really, really fast.
00:16:47
Speaker
And outside of that, There was no emotion. I didn't have, you know, um there was many times that that I know that my kids had gone out of their way to to get me something for my birthday or Christmas, and I showed no excitement. I remember that now that you're saying that. And that was brought to my attention a couple of times that that I didn't show the excitement or the the reaction that they had.
00:17:20
Speaker
we're really desiring to see because you know when we do something for somebody, you know when we do an act of kindness for somebody, we are looking for that response from them um and it solidifies the act that we did. the the The problem with first responders is that we learn to pack away our emotions so much that it starts spilling over into our personal life.
00:17:49
Speaker
yeah So we do become cynical. We do, you know, and it seems for some reason, and We've got some future episodes coming up, but we're going to have some mental health professionals joining us. And and that is ah certainly a question that I would like to ask is, why is anger your the one go-to emotion for us? I don't know if, you know, maybe maybe it's a safe emotion for us because we still maintain a protective layer. of
00:18:19
Speaker
and be in It enables us to show an emotion, but still be protected emotionally and emotionally. ah So, but anger seems to be the one emotion that we go to very, very quickly. And that is the the one that's the easiest for us to show a response with.
00:18:40
Speaker
The... um fact that we become cynical, I think it has to do with our lower tolerance for things. um I saw mine very, very much so in driving because I would spend a lot of time on the road. Well, I became very angry. A lot of...
00:19:02
Speaker
road rage uh that would happen fortunately there there hasn't been a ton of incidences that have manifested outside of my vehicle most of them have been inside the vehicle but there has been some that i that have manifested outside i mean i have stopped people before and had a chat with them and um
00:19:26
Speaker
it that that quickness to anger, that quickness to, um to just be tipped over the edge in things that, that most people just
Family Support and Emotional Openings
00:19:38
Speaker
let roll off their back really seemed to affect me in that, that period of time. They seem to affect me so much more. They seem so much bigger.
00:19:49
Speaker
Especially semi trucks in the left-hand lane. Yeah. But the the cynicalness, I found myself being very cynical. I found myself being, and it was big and I always told my my my boys and stuff, I just don't have tolerance for stupid people. No, you don't. Stupidity. yeah Yeah. And so, in and i but because I thought it was everybody else's fault at that point. I thought, man, they're just making hordes and hordes of stupid people in the world these days.
00:20:17
Speaker
And so that made, you know, that was that the part that was coming through ah being cynical is that that i just was of the opinion that everybody was an idiot.
00:20:31
Speaker
And my boys, like that, that was a joke to them. You know, something would happen. They go, I know, dad. I know. I know he's an idiot. Yeah. we we we I remember specifically that we would go like, oh, oh you're an idiot. You're an idiot. Yeah. Yeah.
00:20:46
Speaker
And so, I mean, it was a running joke with them because I had called so many people idiots and yeah referred to people being idiots. You know, even coming home and telling stories at work. Oh, we had such and such and such and such. But he was an idiot. Yeah. And that was the always bottom line to it was, oh, they're an idiot. And I don't and i don't think that came from a place of, oh, I'm better and I think I'm smarter than them. I think that came from a place of just being tired of...
00:21:12
Speaker
He, like, just tired of the job and just, you know, I don't think it was meant nothing, but it was just more so of like a, you know, just kind of like a sigh.
00:21:23
Speaker
Very much so. um And and that's the that's the thing is that that when you when you start closing down inside,
00:21:33
Speaker
that you your tolerance for people becomes a lot lower. um We've classified that as burnout. For years, we've called it burnout. Well, when you start to think about burnout, you know, there there is a certain portion of this that that causes mental fatigue from just being so busy all the time. And believe me, things have done nothing but get busier over the past 29 years of my career um that I've been doing this.
00:22:04
Speaker
I can remember when I first started a career working a 24-hour shift, and we might run one or two calls. And we're to the point now, the service I'm at, we can't work 24-hour shifts because you don't have downtime.
00:22:18
Speaker
You are constantly running and the population increases, the the density of, ah you know, an area increases. So the call volume increases. Then we have on top of that, that that people call ambulances so much more frequently now than they used to. um Used to, I mean, you here we might run 15 calls in a shift now.
00:22:43
Speaker
And 13 of them would be non-emergency or things that that wouldn't necessarily, you would think necessarily where the word required ambulance, where back 25 years ago, you might only run two or three calls a shift, but people legitimately were in need of emergency medical care back then.
00:23:02
Speaker
So the not only has the dynamic of the calls changed, but the volume has changed. And that's i mean that's just something that we've had to deal with in the world of EMS. And um of course, now you have fire-based services or fire services that answer medical calls as first response. So their call volume has increased.
00:23:28
Speaker
25 years ago, a fire service might run, you know, one or two structure fires or fire calls or any type of fire related calls in a shift or something like that, where now, you know, they're up to where they're running 10, 12, 15 calls a shift because they're running medical calls on top of their fire suppression duties that they would that they would respond to or rescue duties. So that their call volume has increased significantly the
00:24:03
Speaker
So you get that mental fatigue from just running so much so often that your tolerance for people and situations definitely lowers. That plays a part in burnout.
00:24:19
Speaker
But then on top of it, the serious cause that we have, the things that we deal with, the things that we face, Certainly, we we pack them away and then they they come out and of course they cause an emotional disturbance for us whether we see it or not or know it or acknowledge it.
00:24:37
Speaker
They definitely cause an emotional disturbance and so and a lot of times it comes out as anger. It comes out as cynicalism. um So, I feel like that you know that that is probably the biggest reason why that you see that those those are two of the biggest signs that some of this stuff is affecting a first responder.
00:25:00
Speaker
um To answer the second part of your question, yeah um we ah so yeah what was the you'll have to remind me the second part. Well, it's perfect because you kept saying, well, back then and nowadays, back um is...
00:25:17
Speaker
You have obviously the, um, but now that you've brought the light of, oh, the, the changes in like how calls are. Yeah. Could you also elaborate on how that plays a role within after the fact with like, um, how stuff now is more of like, Hey, come and talk and settle down rather than, ah, you're good to go.
00:25:39
Speaker
well ah Well, the culture is definitely changing. Yeah. um And we've we've touched on that before, the that that's something that we're trying our best to wear away at is the stigmatism that you don't have to bury this stuff. You don't have to be a man and not um show that this stuff affects you. And then by the time that it comes out that it affects you, sometimes it's too late.
00:26:07
Speaker
that it That if somebody doesn't get help in processing this stuff, then it can come out in extremely negative manners. in And over my career, I've seen it. we've We've talked many, many times about some of the effects of this stuff, some of the negative effects of this stuff bothering us.
00:26:25
Speaker
But I've seen it come out. in in domestic violence. I've seen it come out in hypersexuality. I've seen it come out in alcoholism. I've seen it come out in drug abuse. I've seen it come out in suicide. I've seen it come out in in so many different negative ways. And so by the time our responder is to that point where that stuff, it's coming out that way, it's really difficult to reverse some of that those effects. And so that the culture is changing in a direction to where we're trying to catch things before they start coming out in a negative manner. And we have responders now that are going to therapy. We have responders now that are going to counseling. We have responders now that are opening up and talking to others about this and learning to process it. We, we now with the, with the,
00:27:24
Speaker
input of peer support now. We kind of have people watching over our responders and looking for telltale signs and symptoms that, hey, you know, or even just knowing that that a a difficult call was run, then they can come back and check on a first responder. So that tide is changing, that that culture is changing so that we can We want to turn this into more of a proactive approach with our responders instead of being a reactive. Because a lot of times, by the time you react to this, it's already gone too far.
00:27:58
Speaker
And that is not at all where we want to be. we've We've ignored it for years. And we've learned that ignoring it does not make it go away. the Absolutely does not make it go away.
00:28:11
Speaker
um So I think that in the culture, you know, or the the the stigmatism that's on us back then that to not um show emotion or emotional upset over this stuff, I think now that we we've started to wear away at that and we're we're getting more towards a yeah trying to have a proactive approach on this. Yeah.
00:28:38
Speaker
I think, um if if you don't mind, i have a, there's also like, this is, it's a very drawn out visual ah representation of it, but it's, I can, I can kind of see where it has the lines to it. Do you, ah this is going to, it's going to be a weird stem from it, but you you'll understand it.
00:28:55
Speaker
I remember you introduced me to your favorite movie one time. It was called Backdraft. And every firefighter had the firefighter mustache like you have where it comes and kind of comes down to the lips. And you told me, oh, they had that because they thought it caught the smoke or something like that. It was like filter or whatever. And this is where the visual representation comes in.
00:29:13
Speaker
Back then, oh, you're you got to be a smoke eater. you You're tough and stuff. But now we have air packs. Y'all have stuff like that. And I know it's a it's not a great rep representation, but do you see where I'm kind of coming from of like, Absolutely. yes Improving and not being dumb. yeah Yeah. Because years and years ago, that was the thing is that that if you wore an air pack into a fire, that you were a pansy. Yeah. And that you weren't a tough firefighter.
00:29:41
Speaker
Then we found out that, hey, this crap's killing us. hey You're going to die if you don't. We're causing cancer. we you know So we've come so far now that we're washing our turnout here more often. I can remember back in the day when I was younger that it was a a badge of honor for your helmet to be smoked up and black and burnt and like that. Now they're saying, hey, man, clean those helmets. It's causing cancer.
00:30:04
Speaker
yeah And it's killing you in the long run. Wash your gear because... Yeah, wash your gear. get the the ah All of these toxins that are in the fibers and stuff of your your protective gear is is killing you yeah by leaving them there. So it's not a badge of courage. It's not a badge of honor. It's actually killing you. Well, in the same aspect with the mental health is that leaving that smoke on your helmet or leaving that those mental things inside of you, it's killing you in the long run. Yeah. So, you know, now we're... like it's even gone so far now, like if the, uh,
00:30:40
Speaker
agency that I work at, we don't allow gear in the in the into the what we call the living quarters of the station. So not into the day room, not into the bunk rooms. You know you don't walk walk through there with your bunker pants on or anything like that. All gear stays out the bay or in the bunker room.
Positive Outcomes and Emotional Highs
00:30:56
Speaker
Just because we don't want to invite those toxins into the living areas the living areas is where we're at.
00:31:03
Speaker
um So in in the same aspect of that, that we've got peer support now that we're trying to remove that stuff as quickly as we can. is As fast as we're trying to remove those toxins from our protective gear, you know the peer support comes in after a bad call and they try to help you remove or process that mental health aspect of it and get it it out and dealt with instead of letting it sit inside and fester and create a cancer inside of you. So that's, I think that that,
00:31:40
Speaker
You know, that that's a great analogy that you gave, Sully. I tried. It certainly relates in both a physical nature and ah and a yeah mental nature to to the things we do. You know, we're where we're at now versus where we were at 25 years ago. like Because I always would see, like, obviously because...
00:32:01
Speaker
every first responder like knows this. Cause you all can say, Oh, well the movies aren't realistic, but I remember asking you all these questions. And then that eventually led to me. well And like, this is just a ah question I had for you and something like this.
00:32:16
Speaker
And I can't remember if you've covered this cause I've tried to listen to all the podcast episodes, but, um, I remember, Back when I worked as a junior firefighter with you, I remember that I was able to do yeah EMS with you one call, and I'm going to ask you this, and you can like obviously share the story, or maybe a different story that's better.
00:32:36
Speaker
But ah a lot of people know the negative impact, but... I know that you've covered before, but is there, ah like I'm going to kind of flip the opposite.
00:32:48
Speaker
Like what I said, like the first question I asked you was, do you have any calls that come back and affect you? Is there any positive calls that you like to like have that ah come back and affect you? Like, man, I'm, I'm very happy. I did that. Like, is there something like that?
00:33:02
Speaker
oh yeah yeah. Yeah. Um, any, any time you are, especially on the EMS side, anytime you're successful with the treatment that you've given a patient and you've made a difference, those are the ones that come back. You know, if you have a CPR and you get a pulse back and then the patient makes a recovery, you know, one of the biggest ones, and this is, I'll just, I'm going to share story, but I don't want to get too far off track here from where we're at, but I'll share this story because it is one of my favorites and it's one that brings great joy to me.
00:33:38
Speaker
um Several years ago, i came in to work my shift in EMS, and we were at ah the fire station, and i was out checking the truck off and getting ready for the shift, and they dispatched us on a call for a labor and delivery call, and were is we, I ran in and got my partner and we got in the the unit and took off. And after we got out of the station to the stop sign, I remember dispatch came on the radio and they said that they could see the baby's head. So we did, we had, and we had a long way to go to this call was way out in the district. tim but So it it was, it was quite a ways away.
00:34:21
Speaker
and and I just remember that it was, uh, uh,
00:34:28
Speaker
imperative that that we get there quickly because we knew that the the the at this point the birth is imminent. So we knew we knew the baby was coming. And so we're we're mentally preparing, getting ready. And we pulled out on the highway and started going. And dispatch came back on the radio again. And they told us that the complainant had called back and said, the baby's here.
00:34:51
Speaker
The baby's dead. And they hung up the phone. Um, so I was running just as fast as that ambulance would go. it's a kid call for us, you know, it's a baby.
00:35:04
Speaker
And then you've got a second patient and you've got the mother. So, i mean, you're already, um, you're already behind the eight balls. So they, they sent a second unit with us, uh, that was coming behind us.
00:35:16
Speaker
Um, when we got on scene, we were met at the door by, uh, I believe was the grandmother. And, um, see yeah she said well i said She said, the baby's in here. And I said, well, where's mother? and She goes in the bathroom. And that day we had a student, a paramedic student with us.
00:35:36
Speaker
And they had been an EMT with us for quite some time. So I knew and trusted her. And I told her, I said, you go to the mother, check on the mother. And my partner and I went to the baby. Well, we found the baby on ah laying on a quilt on the floor. The baby was was blue, not breathing, no pulse.
00:35:56
Speaker
Placenta was still attached to the baby with the cord. And my partner scooped the baby up and started CPR immediately. I grabbed the placenta and we went together to the truck. um We get in the truck and we start doing all of our processes. The the second truck had arrived on scene and one of the medics had crawled into our truck and was setting up for intubation.
00:36:21
Speaker
And like that, we'd we'd let them know that we had CPR in progress. I remember laying that little baby girl down on the... the head of the stretcher, and we intubated and was was still doing CPR.
00:36:35
Speaker
And um I remember seeing just a little bit of movement in the baby's hand. and And I said, hold, stop, stop. And so we stopped CPR. We had the baby on the monitor. We looked, we saw we had an organized rhythm. We checked, we had a brachial pulse, and her little eyes popped open.
00:36:53
Speaker
And I'm holding the tube, which is really, really tiny tube. I'm holding the tube in the baby's mouth where we had intubated and holding it in place until we can get it secured. And my pinky was out. And I remember the baby reached up and grabbed ahold of my pinky with her hand.
00:37:12
Speaker
And her big, big, beautiful blue eyes were open. and And we we got her back. And we had called for a helicopter, but they couldn't fly because the weather was bad. So we knew that we were going to have to make a, um it was going to be about a 40-minute ride to the hospital that that baby needed to go to.
00:37:32
Speaker
we So we we transported the baby by ground and had no further other complications. Everything seemed to be going well. um And um I don't.
00:37:45
Speaker
ever call and follow up on patients unless I have a clinical need. And what I mean by clinical need is if there is a clinical education point that I can take from it, you know, maybe maybe this patient puzzled me and I wanted to know what the end result was so that I knew to line those signs and symptoms up. with this diagnosis, you know, in the future, if it would help, then I might try to follow up on a patient. But outside of that, i don't ever follow up with patients just to be able to make that disconnection for myself. But this one I did. i called and the baby was still four days later, the baby was still in the NICU.
00:38:27
Speaker
and And I actually went and visited the baby, which is very out of character. Yeah. Very unlike you. I've never heard the story. Um, but I went and visited her and, um, um, and that was about, I knew she was doing well at that point.
00:38:46
Speaker
And, um, and I, I kind of didn't, didn't follow up any after that. So I didn't know what the, uh, ultimate outcome was, whether there was any brain damage, whether there was, you know, anything beyond that point. So I was, uh,
00:39:01
Speaker
I had just kind of left it like that. And about a year later, um i get a phone call. And um it was from an organization called the Star Life that we have here in Tennessee.
00:39:15
Speaker
And the Children's Hospital, there's an organization of of children's hospitals in Tennessee. Every year, they give awards out to fire and EMS personnel. It's called a Star Life Award.
00:39:29
Speaker
And they they wanted to give my partner and i an award because the baby had made it and with no deficits whatsoever, no neurological deficits. And the baby was living a healthy, normal life.
00:39:45
Speaker
So we got to travel out to Nashville. and and get that award. But we also had the opportunity to meet that baby and her a year a year old at that time. So we got to meet the baby and see the mother again and spend a little time reconnecting.
00:40:02
Speaker
But that is that's one of my favorite success stories as a medic. And that one affected me greatly in a great positive manner. That's been many years, of but several, several years ago, um probably at least 10. I'd say she's she's probably eight or 10 years old now, maybe maybe in that neighborhood. But that one had a great impact on me and on my career. Very, very
Handling Stress and Emotional Burdens
00:40:32
Speaker
good success story. So, yeah, there's good positive impact.
00:40:37
Speaker
calls that have that positive effect on you as well as the the calls that have a negative effect. um And as far as mental health, that helps counteract almost balance the scales a little sometimes. you know For me, it does.
00:40:55
Speaker
you know they They help balance the scales a bit. um But um moving on to, to you know, let' trying to stay focused on. on Like the mental side of it. The yeah family aspect of this.
00:41:11
Speaker
um Some of the questions that my my sister-in-law had posed to me when we were discussions about this is that that she she really felt like.
00:41:22
Speaker
My brother did not allow her to help him um in processing some of this. And she was like, why won't he let me help him? She is a mother.
00:41:33
Speaker
She is a wife. And she has a instinct to nurture and an instinct to to nurture her husband, an instinct to nurture her children, and just a basic need to to nurture. That is a woman's instinct. I'm not going to say all because I have run into cases where some people don't have a nurturing need, but most people most women will have a nurturing need to them.
00:42:08
Speaker
So having a husband that is a first responder and feeling that need to nurture him in his time of difficulty But being refused the ability to nurture played a huge role on her.
00:42:25
Speaker
And um that was a question that she asked. So i wanted to take a minute to to kind of tell, explain maybe a little bit, at least from my point of view, why I might turn down that
00:42:41
Speaker
that's and that moment that they're reaching out towards you and you're not reaching back and why we're not reaching back. um And to kind of explain that a little bit from my point of view, I'll say that the we don't want to project the things that we see, the things that we bury, the things that we have. We don't want to project that on the ones that we love.
00:43:09
Speaker
um Nobody should have to see and deal this with the stuff that we see and deal with. But we do. We chose to when we chose this career. um But we certainly don't want to pass it on to somebody that has not chosen this career.
00:43:26
Speaker
So telling somebody about a difficult call or something that is that is affecting us emotionally,
00:43:42
Speaker
We did not want to put that burden on them. We don't want them to have to deal with what we're dealing with. um Think about it as a parent. OK, and if you're a parent, then you certainly understand that you don't want your kids to suffer in any way.
00:44:00
Speaker
And if you have something that you're suffering from. You don't always reveal that to your children. because you don't want to burden your children with that suffering.
00:44:14
Speaker
um I've heard many stories of parents that will get a terminal cancer diagnosis and never tell their children because they don't want to they don't want to hurt them.
00:44:25
Speaker
They don't want to put that burden on them. And this works much the same way. Is it right? Is it wrong? I don't know. I don't have the answer to that.
00:44:38
Speaker
All I can do is tell you that that we feel it it is our nature as first responders. That's why we got into this, but we're protectors. Okay. the Police officers.
00:44:52
Speaker
That's their whole job is protection. Serve and protect. Yeah. Firefighters. You know, we try to protect, protect and preserve life. Okay. Paramedics.
00:45:03
Speaker
Most certainly, you know, we we try to protect and preserve life. And, you know, it goes on down the line of all first responders. That's our whole job. That's the whole essence to our being is that we try to protect life.
00:45:18
Speaker
And so we're natural protectors. Now, we wouldn't be very good protectors if we knowingly poured our emotional traumas onto somebody else.
00:45:31
Speaker
um and that that we knew probably wasn't prepared to hear them. So that's why it is sometimes a little easier to talk to one of our own.
00:45:44
Speaker
um because we know that, you know, number one, they've already signed up for this. So they're they're already emotionally involved in this. And so they're, you know, they expect to see some of this this traumas.
00:45:59
Speaker
And so it makes it a little easier for us to talk to them. We don't feel like we have to protect them as much as we would somebody that, you know, a family member that we care about.
00:46:11
Speaker
So...
00:46:14
Speaker
I hope that kind of answers just a little bit of why that we wouldn't allow a family member to help us process through some of this stuff. um
00:46:27
Speaker
Another side of that is is that. Sometimes people just, they don't share. um As difficult as that is, they don't share.
00:46:38
Speaker
ah lots my My brother made a statement and in he was like, you know, you tell your spouse everything. Well, no, you don't, you know, and and it's not a matter of keeping secrets. It's not a matter of not being honest with your spouse. It's a matter of protection.
00:46:56
Speaker
And, um I would absolutely not tell my son about some of the calls that I've run. No matter how much I ask, and I'm just curious to, like, get that story. Yeah, he's pressured many, many times for certain things. Not in a bad way. will not tell him details of calls that I've run. I won't tell him about the things that go through my head and that I think about because –
00:47:24
Speaker
That's where I've noticed that things would affect me is that that my mind works really, really hard sometimes at breaking down a call. Oh, yeah. um run ah If I run a difficult call, I will run that call over and over in my head, breaking it down and what if it gets to death. If it was a call that didn't go well, I will what if it to the end.
00:47:52
Speaker
yeah because I want to know where I screwed up, where I did something wrong, or could something have been done different? Could something have done been done more? and that that became a very difficult thing for me to overcome.
00:48:08
Speaker
Now i have i've learned I've had to learn to walk away from the call. when When I run a call now and I drop a patient at the hospital, when I come back out that hospital door and I crawl in my truck and I finish my report, when I hit that submit button on the report, I'm done.
00:48:28
Speaker
I'm done with the call. That's over with. um um you know I don't drag it on out. I don't rehash it in my mind. i don't ask myself all these questions that I used to ask.
00:48:43
Speaker
I make myself be done with it. And um I move on in my mind to different different things. Now, there's going to be calls that will stick with you past that. and But I have made a mental decision that I will not rehash those calls in trying to figure out where I messed up.
00:49:08
Speaker
I am very confident in my training. I am very confident in my experience. And ah am, I feel very comfortable saying that when I run a call, that I put every bit of it of myself into that call. So at the end of the call, that I know that I did everything that I that i could do.
00:49:29
Speaker
And I don't have to go back and ask myself where I messed up. If I mess up on a call, I promise you, I will know it right away. If I forget something, i have ah Just for an example, i and I don't want to get into story time here, but we had a call here not too long ago, maybe a month or so ago, and I picked up this patient, and when the when I got her in the truck, it just seemed like every point that we turned to, there was something else wrong.
00:50:02
Speaker
Like her heart rate was low. Her blood pressure was low. And, you know, and so I was doing, you know, different treatments and all this, you know, trying to to to improve the the heart rate and trying to improve the blood pressure, trying to improve, you know, that that in turn would hopefully improve the mental status. And, you know, so I'm focused on this. And I had an EMT student with me that day and we got almost to the hospital And I realized I hadn't checked the blood sugar, which should have been one of the first things that I checked.
00:50:32
Speaker
That to me is part of vital signs, which is always one of the first things that I check. When I get my hands on a patient, I want to be able to be put a blood pressure cuff on them, get a pulse rate, you know, get i want I need to get that first initial set of vitals.
00:50:46
Speaker
And a blood sugar is generally right in that group of vital signs. and But I did not on this one. I got focused on other things and I did not get a blood sugar on this patient. And I remembered it just before we got to the hospital. So I asked my student, I said, please take me a blood sugar.
00:51:05
Speaker
And the patient's blood sugar was 30. And I missed it because I was so focused on other things. So I knew immediately that I had screwed up. You know, and and so then I started treating for the blood sugar. I don't feel like the blood sugar played a huge role in what some of the other stuff that we were seeing and dealing with there. But it was definitely something that we needed to address because by the time we got, i mean, we were close enough to the hospital that even the treatment that I was giving the patient, her blood sugar had dropped even further by the time we got into the emergency room. Yeah.
00:51:39
Speaker
So with they had to do some more aggressive treatments for the blood sugar. But I don't feel like it played a huge role in what else. but I think she just had a plethora of things going on with her.
00:51:50
Speaker
But... But I knew immediately that I had screwed up and that that I had missed that, that um I messed up and I didn't get the the the patient care algorithm that I have. but I didn't get it right. So I knew immediately.
00:52:06
Speaker
But so even even after that call, though, when I walked away, I didn't have to ask myself, did you do everything? I knew what I had missed. you know And fortunately, I was able to somewhat remedy that in the middle of patient care.
00:52:19
Speaker
yeah. I think, ah you know, that for me, um i know that I have to walk away from those calls at the end that I can't keep rehashing and keep asking myself, you know, did I do everything? Because then it keeps that rolling in your mind over and over and over again. And it keeps you um
00:52:41
Speaker
having to deal with that call time and time again. I can, if if you don't mind me putting input here, i can kind of relate to just you in a sense on that um as like, I mean, I played a tad a bit of high school football and then you're probably like, well, what wormhole is he about go down? You'll see.
00:53:00
Speaker
For example, I noticed, and this is just like, cause I'm a normal person. You're a first responder. Um, we like, I remember I would like mess up on a play.
00:53:11
Speaker
Like I would go the wrong way and it would bug the life out of me to a point where like I'm driving back home and it would be like, man, i messed up on that. And it would ruin my whole evening.
00:53:22
Speaker
And it would still be like the whole what if scenario. And I think that, that may be like ah such a different thing is that
00:53:32
Speaker
with y'all, um like with you, you guys as like first responders, obviously it's way different because you have life in your hands. And me, I i i just had ah a play I messed up, you know, but it's, it's a very simple relation kind of, of like, we're all human and we all still overthink and stuff like that. And to kind of circle back to similarities and stuff like that. If you remember, know,
00:53:57
Speaker
at the start, I kind of, but I kind of rabbit trilled out of it, but the waffle house story, I do want to ask you a question if you're ready for it. Um, it is like, I, if you remember me saying right there, I was like, man, I wish my dad would stay with me or whatever. Um, it's like,
00:54:12
Speaker
Do you ever... i may word this wrong, but you know what I'm going to try to say, and you can maybe explain it to the audience better. But do you like do you understand, as like a first responder, like mentally, as like a sense of responsibility to your family like to protect them, but also protect the public as well? like Do you understand what I'm saying there? Yeah, I know where you're going with this. I'm right there on that note. So that was...
00:54:41
Speaker
That was ah a topic that that my sister-in-law and I had discussed a little bit last night is that um through the years, there would be, let's just say, impending serious storm.
00:54:58
Speaker
whether it be the possibility of tornadoes or a snowstorm or severe thunderstorms or something of that nature that that you kind of got a heads up on.
00:55:09
Speaker
And so you knew that there was going to be a drastic increase in needs for service and things like that. And so I i would always prep.
00:55:24
Speaker
Well, I would always, you know, think that, you know, maybe I need to go to the hall or maybe I need to go to the station. They're going to need extra help or something like that. And my family would become upset with me because they wanted me home to protect and take care of them. But I said, you know, I need to go to the station because I'm going to be needed there.
00:55:47
Speaker
um, um So it became like ah my sister-in-law brought it up that she almost felt jealous that she, that she felt that she took second chair to the fire department.
00:56:01
Speaker
And Sully has, it has expressed, you know, that that he has felt that way sometimes that, that he's taken second chair to my career.
00:56:13
Speaker
And, So wanted to I wanted to address that just a little bit and say, you know, it's not it's not that because i nothing takes second chair, other God, nothing takes second chair.
00:56:29
Speaker
To my family. Yeah. Okay. My sons are the most important thing to me. And nothing takes second chair to them. Or nothing puts them in second chair. I'm sorry. Yeah. I was like, well i was like you're putting me above God. I'm like, whoa. Nothing but God takes puts them in the second chair. They're they're always my primary primary responsibility, my primary concern.
00:56:51
Speaker
and But on the other hand of it is this is the career path that I chose. I have a sense of responsibility and a sense of duty to go help others when they need it.
00:57:08
Speaker
Because that's what I'm trained for. That's what I do. That's what I chose to do as a career. And it ask always felt like in my my my knee-jerk response to that was always, well, if everybody said that, then there would be nobody to go.
00:57:25
Speaker
Yeah. So... if If you've got 10 firefighters at a station and 10 them say, well, I got to stay home with my wife and kids, then there's nobody to go when the disaster happens over in town and there's nobody at the station to go.
00:57:46
Speaker
So
00:57:50
Speaker
that is...
00:57:54
Speaker
a peek inside that that we certainly need to um
00:58:00
Speaker
take care of the needs of our family. and And we do have a huge responsibility there for our family, but also the family should have an understanding that there is a huge sense of responsibility that comes with this career that, that we are the ones that are trained, you know, it yeah the, the, the response that always got was, know,
00:58:26
Speaker
you know, somebody else can do it. Well, somebody else may not have the training and the knowledge and the experience that I've got to be able to handle the calls that are coming out. OK, I understand that there's there's many firefighters and many rescue workers and many EMS personnel and things like that. But, you know, ah it's a it's a ah sense of duty that I have.
00:58:50
Speaker
And so I feel the the need to act when those situations take place. um I won't leave my family in harm's way. You know, i've there's been many times that I've said, well, get in the car. We're all going to the hall together. Yeah.
00:59:04
Speaker
And, um you know, that way I can keep them close and I can answer the call for service, too. of But or, you know, I may even be able to look at the storm track and say, well, that you know, this is and and here's the the other thing is, is that if I'm at the hall, then I'm there with the equipment that I would need to come out. If you did need help, there's nothing that I can do to prevent a tornado.
00:59:31
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely nothing. And I can't choose the path that it takes. But if it takes a path that comes near my family, then I have the ability to do something about that with the equipment that I've got.
00:59:44
Speaker
So I feel like I can kind of cover both ends. if i'm there If I'm sitting at the house buried under rubble with my family, I'm with no help whatsoever.
00:59:56
Speaker
So
01:00:00
Speaker
just want that conversation. i want that sense of responsibility to be known that, that we're not leaving our family at the house and not protecting them.
01:00:13
Speaker
um we are trying to cover more than one area of it. We're trying to protect our family and protect others that we've sworn and promised to do. Well, that definitely answers that question for me. you Like,
01:00:27
Speaker
like, because I could always like say, well, I can see it from both sides of the like field, but that really puts it in like perspective, I guess you could say for me. um is the whole, especially when you said with the equipment deal. And I do remember times when I was younger, we would load up in like the truck and go to the fire station or even sometimes i would, cause I'm the older of the two, i would even sit in the back and watch you go and and help these people, you know? um
01:01:00
Speaker
I, and I guess it's just ah a huge a huge portion of every, like everybody doesn't really notice the actual work. And obviously if they were to get really deep in thought, they'd just be like, well, they it's their job, you know, but there's also, there's obviously more fallout and the families of them hear that more, you
Family's Role in Behavioral Changes
01:01:21
Speaker
know? um And a question that I have and that we discussed last night is like,
01:01:26
Speaker
How can families help first responders? That's my question. Before I answer that, I want to back up just a little bit. I wanted to say that with this sense of responsibility that we have, our job is unlike anybody else's.
01:01:47
Speaker
as first responders, our job is not comparable to any other job on the face of this earth. I'm selfish. I'm sorry. That's the way I feel, but you cannot relate our job to anybody else's. um the The contractor that builds houses, okay, there is no life and death urgency for a house to be built.
01:02:16
Speaker
The
01:02:19
Speaker
i don't have The bus driver that goes to work every day. There is no life or death issue with driving with him driving the bus. If he doesn't do his job that day, nobody dies.
01:02:32
Speaker
You know, and the same thing with the the contractor, a school teacher. Okay. If she doesn't go to teach that day, that doest that does not that is not a life or death situation where somebody could die if she doesn't go to teach that day or he go to teach that day.
01:02:49
Speaker
If we don't go to work and we don't do our job, somebody could absolutely die.
01:02:58
Speaker
That's my my sense of responsibility. For example, the baby. That if I take off work and they can't, they couldn this happens a lot more than you would think.
01:03:13
Speaker
But as a medic, I took off work. If they couldn't find somebody to fill my spot, they would have to shut the truck down.
01:03:22
Speaker
Which means that if somebody called 911 needing an ambulance, that an ambulance would have to come from a further district because I was out of work and they had to shut the truck down.
01:03:34
Speaker
So me taking off that day could absolutely cost because somebody in their life because sometimes it is time is of the essence. A lot of times in the medical field, time is of the essence.
01:03:46
Speaker
That's why you hear about the golden hour and the things like that is that time is critical in our job. Okay? Stroke patients, they'll tell you time and time again, time is brain.
01:03:59
Speaker
So the longer that that stroke patient is suffering from that lack of oxygen to that portion of the brain, the longer they suffer, the more brain tissue dies. A heart attack patient, the longer that that portion of the heart goes with that oxygenated blood, the more heart tissue dies.
01:04:16
Speaker
OK, so it may not end up in a full physical death, but there is more damage that happens with time. So time is of the essence. So if you have a a responding unit having to come from further away because somebody was out of work and they had to shut a truck down.
01:04:37
Speaker
You know, then.
01:04:40
Speaker
You taking off that shift or you not being there greatly affected the outcome of that call. And that is my sense of duty. That is my sense of responsibility.
01:04:54
Speaker
That I don't want somebody's life to be negatively affected because I chose not to go to work that day or I chose not to go into the station and and be there for a faster response.
01:05:06
Speaker
If I'm at my house and i know a storm's coming, a major storm, and I decide to so to stay home, okay, and I don't go to the station,
01:05:17
Speaker
and and And I've gotten that answer too before is why don't you just go when they call, okay? Just for example, you know a storm's coming and you stay at home and then the call for service comes.
01:05:34
Speaker
Now you've got to go to the station, but there's trees across road so you can't get to the station, the normal route. So you're delayed trying to find another way around.
01:05:46
Speaker
So now that delays your time even more to get to the station, where if you were already there, then you could respond from the station. And if I'm at the station and I'm responding and there's a tree across the road, I've got chainsaws on the truck that can get that tree out of the road and let my response continue.
01:06:04
Speaker
So I think about things like that. And I think about, you know, i try to get, you know, we all try to figure out how we can do our job more efficient, you know, as first responders. And, you know, what is the most effective and quickest way to do our job?
01:06:18
Speaker
And answering that sense of responsibility that we have, if that makes sense. now to a family member to help them understand why when a bad storm is projected or when, you know, that we hear of a certain potential disaster going to happen, that we might mightg want to migrate and be in a stage of readiness.
01:06:42
Speaker
um Because we know that the need is going to be there and we want to to be able to answer that need in the quickest and most effective manner that we can. So,
01:06:54
Speaker
um but to now to go on to to the question that that Sally asked, how how can you as a family member help a first responder in in their mental health needs?
01:07:09
Speaker
um Because sometimes it can be difficult to get them to open up and talk to you that they're even suffering from the effects of of these tragedies that we deal with.
01:07:22
Speaker
um I think the biggest thing is going to be recognition. Recognition that something is affecting that responder. Nobody's going to know these true responders like their family members.
01:07:37
Speaker
So, Sully, I'll ask you, when I come home from work,
01:07:43
Speaker
Within the first 10 minutes of me being here, can you tell whether I've had a good shift or bad shift? Yes, 100%. Okay. Because he knows me. He knows what my normal baseline status should be. And if I differ from that, that's one of the first things out of his mouth is, what's wrong? on And I'll sit there and pressure you until you open up. So, you know, and...
01:08:04
Speaker
That's okay with me. Yeah, but not in some But it may not be in some cases. But recognition that there's something is going on. Okay? Then finding, because nobody's going to know your loved one like you do,
01:08:17
Speaker
Finding that way in, it may not be pressure. Sully knows that that I'll crack under his pressure. Eventually, I'll tell him, yes, something is bothering me. Because ah you'll ask him, I'll tell him 150 times, I'm fine.
01:08:33
Speaker
I'm fine. But i can still tell whether there's underlying issue. But he'll go to 151 the point where i say, all right We had a couple of rough calls, really stressed out, really just, you know, I need some quiet, peaceful time sitting in my big man chair and playing the show. Yeah, playing. And that's all it takes, like, for you. But the even as, like, a family member, like, we want a sense of don't keep it.
01:09:04
Speaker
but more so like we want you to, and I think it actually helps with you, but maybe you just don't notice it. Like the acknowledgement of, okay, something did happen and it kind of messed with me.
01:09:16
Speaker
But you, for example, you play video games or you watch TV show or something like that. And it helps. But even as a fan, video game, baseball. Yeah. Yeah. yeah um But even like,
01:09:32
Speaker
I can kind of see where, for example, like a couple of days ago, it was just a rough shift, you know? um And you like just come home and I, and I was, and I could, again, I can aggravate the horns off a billy goat, but like, I was just like, dad, you good? You're good. You good. And like, you'll, it was like, and you you came home from a night, no, no, sorry. A day shift, which means you came home late. So it was like 10 o'clock. I'm like, dad, you good? You're like, yes, I just need to sleep.
Enhancing Family Communication
01:09:58
Speaker
But you told me the next morning that something was bothering you, but you were okay though. So, I feel like the best thing for, in my opinion is fuck like, like he, like you said, find your way in.
01:10:10
Speaker
is um a good way in, find find a good way in. And sometimes all it can take is just a simple, of for for the person asking is like, just to know that they acknowledge, that the first responder acknowledges that something did happen, you know, because I'm sure there's many out there because you've done it before where they're just like, ah, it's fine. I don't care about it. It's fine. And that may be a thing, but they may, the the first responder may not know that maybe even acknowledging that it did affect you hurts a little bit, you know? Yeah. When you have to find a way in with your with your loved one, um that can look like a bunch of different things.
01:10:54
Speaker
It can be anything from the way Sully knows to get in is to ask 151 times and not stop at 150. More like 1,000, but yeah. But there there also might need time that that, hey, they just want you to sit down beside them on a couch and it just be quiet for a few minutes.
01:11:15
Speaker
And then give them time to decompress and then say, i know something's bothering you. Do you want to share with me? Okay. If they don't want to share with you, then you can say, how can help? What can do to your pain to ease your stress?
01:11:34
Speaker
how can i
01:11:37
Speaker
what can i do to ease your pain or to ease your your stress okay um And getting some of us to open up is is difficult because we've we've learned for years how to shut everybody out.
01:11:53
Speaker
And so you've got to get you've got to figure out how to get past years of of habit there. But like I said, nobody knows your loved one like you do.
01:12:06
Speaker
So you're going to know, you're going to be able to find that path in. You're going to find, you're going to be able to find that, that avenue that will allow you to communicate with them. Does that mean that they're going to tell you every detail of the call? Absolutely not.
01:12:23
Speaker
Okay. and And you don't need that. You don't need to know the details of that call. But Just as I had shared before, my dad was always my go-to person, but sometimes we didn't even talk about the call.
01:12:39
Speaker
But just being able to unload conversation for a little while helped me. So, you know, i think that as far as helping your loved one that is a first responder, I think it is imperative that you the recognition is the biggest thing. And then after you recognize that there's there's something going on, it's finding that pathway in to help them process whatever's going on inside. Okay. Sometimes it may have to move beyond just sitting on the couch, you know, staring at the wall for a few minutes or, know,
01:13:16
Speaker
you know Another one of my favorite things used to be is just to sit on a porch and drink cup of coffee and just listen to the birds chirp for a little while, you know, and just have that that moment.
01:13:29
Speaker
You know, sometimes it takes, you know, 30 minutes sitting somewhere without having to worry about the tones going off and just to have that quiet moment, undisturbed, quiet moment.
01:13:41
Speaker
You know, that may be what your loved one needs is to have to have a certain amount of time where they're left alone, where nobody's asking them any questions, where nobody's pressuring them to do anything or just having a moment where they can just kind of drop down for a minute.
01:14:00
Speaker
And so that you just have to find out what works for them because everybody is different. And everybody handles this stuff different.
01:14:13
Speaker
the The one consistent thing across the board is is that we all need to handle it. OK? We can't let it go unhandled, because if we do, then it starts to come out as negative side effects.
01:14:28
Speaker
One thing that that that my sister-in-law shared was that she felt sometimes she saw herself picking up some of my brother's habits that he was using to process or may have been using to process.
01:14:48
Speaker
She saw herself picking up some of these habits or or participating in them to feel a more closeness with him. but it really didn't. It just maybe pushed them more towards a negative reaction together.
01:15:04
Speaker
So, you know, we talked about about alcoholism and how high the percentage is in first response now that how many of us turn to alcoholism or or some type of other substance to to numb this stuff. or to you know Because after a certain amount of alcohol or a certain amount of substance or whatever, those thoughts and those feelings will go away temporarily.
01:15:30
Speaker
But it's I promise you, as soon as you sober back up, they're still there. And the only real way to to get rid of them is to process them and then be done with them. You've got to get through that process of um There's so much more that we could talk about in this topic. And and I have full intent. I want to get together a couple of first responder spouses and a couple of first responders and a couple of mental health professionals and get us to together and have a roundtable discussion about some of this and and to be able to dive deeper into answering questions that a
01:16:08
Speaker
that a loved one might have of a first responder and get some honest standard answers and then some explanations from first responders back the other way. But then flip it flip it too and ask questions out of a loved one from a first responder and get some answers back of things that we may have just never really sat down and talked about because this stuff, when it starts affecting you, it can affect your communication lines.
01:16:36
Speaker
um I'm going to share a brief story about my my brother and my sister-in-law, and then we're we'll we'll let loose for today. But they my brother shared in in the episode that he would that they they lost their oldest son to cancer.
01:16:52
Speaker
And he was nine years old when he passed away. And my sister-in-law had a very difficult time dealing with the loss of her firstborn. And She shared that she was very, very angry at my brother because he did not console her the way that she wanted to be consoled.
01:17:17
Speaker
And he did not respond and react to her the way that she wanted to be responded to and reacted to. And it was many years later that they came to the realization that, and it and it caused a yeah difficult time in their marriage because that communication was broken.
01:17:37
Speaker
But they came to the realization that, hey, you know, no, he didn't respond to her the way that she wanted him to respond. But he was dealing with his own loss and tragedy of of my nephew on top of a huge call at work that affected him.
01:18:06
Speaker
So as we talked before about the lenses, his lens was completely fogged over. Well, her lens was fogged over because she just lost her son.
01:18:18
Speaker
And now on top of that, she was a and she she ah was trying to raise a a baby that she just had given birth to my nephew. And then my niece was about probably about two or three years old, maybe at that point. So she's got a toddler and a baby. And then she just lost her son on top of that. And so her lens is just destroyed.
01:18:41
Speaker
And there was no way that they were effectively lining up and communicating between them. There was no way that that was going to happen. Not without some some help to clear those lenses.
01:18:54
Speaker
And luckily, they were able to make it through that. And they got their lenses clear. And they they got were able to start communicating. And, you know, she told me that, you know,
01:19:10
Speaker
27 years of marriage, there was some things that that my brother revealed in that podcast that she never knew. And that prompted us to want to say, hey, we need to really talk about families in this because they're affected by these tragedies and stuff that we deal with.
01:19:31
Speaker
in almost like a secondhand smoke kind of way. You know, they're still getting, you know, the it it takes takes me back to the turnout gear, Sully, you know, that, the you know, if you don't wash your turnout gear and you take your turnout gear home, it's going to get your family too.
01:19:48
Speaker
Okay. Remember when you put it in the car, it would like stink up. That's a perfect like example. Yeah, I mean, it would. So you if you carry this stuff home, it's going to affect your family, too. So I think it's a huge responsibility. And we even talked, to my sister-in-law and i talked about, you know, hey, there needs to be something to explain to some of these spouses and stuff of...
01:20:11
Speaker
what their spouse is going to be dealing with and going through. And I said, you know, I think it would be a great idea if they just had a day at Fire Academy where they brought the spouses in and say, hey,
01:20:23
Speaker
Your spouse is going to see deadly car crashes. Your spouse is going to deal with with children not surviving accidents or incidences. Your spouse is going to see people that get burned up in structure fires. Your spouse is going to see and deal with this and this and this and this. These are some of the things that you might see at home.
01:20:40
Speaker
okay You're going to see them be distant. You're going to see them be you know angry. And when you do, then it's time to do something about it because those are some negative negative side effects that are shining through.
01:20:51
Speaker
And I think that we need to provide some preemptive education to spouses. Who knows? If you do that, it might just save some marriages in in you know first responders these days.
01:21:06
Speaker
Who knows? But I think that that we need to start looking, you know, not only looking very closely at our first responders for their mental health, but we need to look beyond that too at our spouses and and take care of take care of our whole family because it affects the whole family.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
01:21:25
Speaker
I feel like this stuff greatly affected my relationship with Sully. We had a few years there where we barely even spoke.
01:21:37
Speaker
And he actually hated his dad. That was hard for me to know that my son hated me.
01:21:46
Speaker
And once we got past that and we we figured out how to properly deal with the things that I was going through and the things that I was dealing with, we've got a stronger relationship now than we've ever had.
01:22:02
Speaker
we're We're way... way further than where we've ever been. And so I think it's very important to, but we're very open with each other about, you know, um I don't share details of calls with him, but we're very open. You know, i I can, I have no issue going to him and say, hey man, I'm having a, having a difficult day today, you know, and we might need to go smack some balls with a bat somewhere. We might need to, you know, just hang out.
01:22:32
Speaker
just whatever, you know? And so he's very responsive to that with me because now he understands me a little better and I understand him a little better. So, but I know this is a long episode, guys. I thank you for, for tuning in. I really do. um we We look forward to to having you on future episodes. We've we've got a lot planned and a lot in store for us.
01:22:56
Speaker
So please just keep jumping back every week and catch the episodes. they're their're I hope they just keep getting better and better. Give us a like and a follow on YouTube and make sure to watch this. It drops every Tuesday. So be ready for the new episode to drop every Tuesday and join us.
01:23:15
Speaker
um You guys feel free to email me any questions that you have, any episode ideas that you might have or any of the guests that we have on here. If there's questions you want to ask of them or of me, please drop an email. It's underthehelmettn at gmail.com. It's also listed along with all of our links. that should you The email should be listed there. So if you're watching on YouTube or whatever, just look down in the info portion and you'll find the email down there.
01:23:42
Speaker
So thank you guys so much for joining us. I really appreciate it. And stay safe out there because we need you. Your families need you. Your communities need you. You guys, this is Under the Helmet, and I'm Josh Van Dusen. Thanks.