Life today is safer and more comfortable than ever before, so why do so many people feel unhappy, lonely, and anxious? Forrest talks with evolutionary psychologist Dr. William von Hippel about this paradox in light of our two core needs: autonomy and connection. He argues that modern life has pushed us too far in the direction of autonomy, and that we need to reclaim connection in order to find happiness. 

They discuss how our evolutionary past shaped our needs for autonomy and connection, the tension between them, and why social connection matters so much for our well-being. They also touch on gender and cultural differences, common misunderstandings about evolutionary psychology, and what people can do to create more balanced and connected lives today.




About our Guest: Dr. William von Hippel is an evolutionary psychologist and former professor at the University of Queensland. He has authored over 150 scientific publications including his books The Social Leap and The Social Paradox.

Key Topics:

0:00: Why hasn’t modern life made us happier?

3:20: The evolution of autonomy and connection

10:15: How modern life favors autonomy over connection

18:10: “Sad success stories,” and the cost of competence

20:00: Competence vs warmth as social signals

26:00: Evolutionary mismatch, and its impact on well-being

29:00: How to understand evolutionary psychology

34:00: Evolved gender differences in autonomy and connection

42:00: Balancing sociocultural and evolutionary differences

49:00: What do those gender differences look like in practice?

55:50: Finding a healthy balance between autonomy and connection

1:08:55: Recap

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Why Modern Life Doesn't Make Us Happy, and How to Fix It with  Dr. William von Hippel 

Forrest is joined by renowned therapist Terry Real and his son Justin for a frank exploration of modern masculinity. They talk about why so many men feel like they’re struggling these days, and how the traditional model of masculinity perpetuates this problem.

They discuss the appeal of red pill cultures, the cultural pushback against gender equality, and how to convince men that the answer is not more dominance but more connection. Other topics include emotional intelligence, creating fulfilling relationships, and how men can claim a healthier understanding of strength.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:50: Terry on patriarchy and male disconnection

7:56: Justin on being raised in an emotionally aware environment

11:34: The problem of male invulnerability

14:35: What do women actually want?

18:10: Strength, relationality, and loving power

27:50: Common patterns in therapy

35:20: The performance of masculinity

49:01: Parenting, gender literacy, and fatherhood

52:10: Selling this to men, and the need for new models

59:48: Recap



Rick’s Change Your Mind Course: Learn how to break old scripts, get some space around self-doubting thoughts, and act in a new way. Six-week course starts June 21, learn more about it at RickHanson.com/changing [http://rickhanson.com/changing]. Use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive 25% off.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Rethinking Masculinity: Strength and Connection w/ Terry and Justin Real

We’ve all had moments where we watch ourselves make the exact wrong choice: procrastinating on an important task, picking a fight in a good relationship, or pulling back just when things are starting to go well. This is self-sabotage, and in this episode Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we do it and how to stop.

They talk about how self-sabotage often serves as a form of psychological self-protection, and why doing well can feel like a threat to our identity, before discussing avoidance coping, the conflict between aspects of who we are, and why we stay safe rather than stepping forward. Along the way, they offer practical strategies for updating outdated internal models, working with different parts of ourselves, and building the inner resources that make real change possible.

Change Your Mind with Rick: [http://rickhanson.com/changing] Learn how to break old patterns and change the thoughts that keep you stuck with Rick’s six-week online course on the science of changing your mind. Learn more at RickHanson.com/changing [http://rickhanson.com/changing] and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:05: What is self-sabotage, really?

6:10: Why self-sabotage is often a form of protection

10:20: Avoidance coping and the logic of “safe failure”

14:40: The identity cost of doing well

18:55: Internal conflict and the parts model

26:15: Challenge vs. threat: how the brain evaluates risk

32:05: Real-life examples of self-sabotage

37:30: How to begin working with self-sabotaging parts

45:45: Working with self-destructive parts

51:10: Creating safer conditions for growth

57:25: Building a feedback loop that reinforces trust

1:02:40: Recap and additional take-aways



Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

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Self-Sabotage: Why You Do What You Shouldn’t, and How to Stop

What gets in the way of truly intimate, healthy relationships…and what can we do about it? In this moving episode, Forrest is joined by renowned couples therapist Terry Real to explore how we can build deeper, more meaningful connections.

They unpack key concepts from Relational Life Therapy, including the shift from “me” to “us,” the difference between the adaptive child and wise adult, and how to stay grounded during conflict through relational mindfulness. Terry explains how individualism and patriarchal conditioning fuel disconnection, and how therapy can help couples move from power struggles to true collaboration. A highlight of the episode is a live experiential process, where Terry guides Forrest through some inner child work.

About our Guest: Terry Real is a family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author known for his groundbreaking work on men, masculinity, and relationships. He is the founder of Relational Life Therapy [https://relationallife.com/] (RLT) and the author of several books including The New Rules of Marriage and Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction 

1:34: Systemic thinking in therapy, and the cultural forces that shape relationships

9:00: RLT and confrontation in therapy

12:58: The Adaptive Child, Wise Adult, and how internal parts shape how we relate

17:13: Relational mindfulness, and moving from 'me' to 'us'

27:12: Fierce intimacy: why telling the truth is more loving than being “nice”

30:16: Psychological patriarchy, and how it ruins our relationships

43:28: Experiential process: Terry guides Forrest through inner child work

54:07: How patriarchal norms distort emotional connection for men

1:06:24: Recap

Rick’s Change Your Mind Course: Learn how to break old scripts, get some space around self-doubting thoughts, and act in a new way. Six-week course starts June 21, learn more about it at RickHanson.com/changing [http://rickhanson.com/changing]. Use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive 25% off.

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Terry Real: How Society Sabotages Relationships, and Inner Child Work

Forrest is joined by therapist Kimberley Quinlan to explore one of the most misunderstood anxiety disorders: obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Drawing from her clinical and personal experience, Kimberley breaks down what OCD is, how it differs from general anxiety, and the ways it’s often mischaracterized.

They discuss the core features of obsessions and compulsions, and how these can manifest across a wide range of themes, including harm, contamination, morality, and relationships. Kimberley explains how Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) works, what makes an exposure “good,” and how to build tolerance for distress rather than trying to eliminate it. They also touch on self-compassion, the role of medication, and the stigmas that can keep people from getting help.

About our Guest: Kimberley Quinlan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, host of the popular Your Anxiety Toolkit [https://kimberleyquinlan.com/?page_id=82] podcast, and the founder of CBTschool.com [http://cbtschool.com].

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:19: Kimberley’s personal experience with OCD

3:36: What is OCD? Obsessions vs. compulsions

8:18: The relationship between trauma (PTSD) and OCD in Kimberley’s experience

11:12: ERP and approaches to treatment

17:14: Differences between clinical ERP and informal exposure practices

24:30: Imaginal exposures for fears that can’t be physically enacted

28:52: Resourcing for exposure

30:26: What if exposure goes poorly? 

34:38: Role of self-compassion in OCD treatment

37:02: Considering medication: benefits, stigma, and SSRIs

42:52: Unhooking from intrusive thoughts: ACT, mindfulness, DBT

53:59: “How can I make this my bravest day?”

57:45: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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OCD and Anxiety Disorders with Kimberley Quinlan

In this very fun episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest open the mailbag and answer questions from listeners about people pleasing, the potential (and pitfalls) of using AI as a therapist, and what to do when you develop strong feelings for your therapist. They discuss existential themes like aloneness and agency, whether Gandalf would have made a good therapist, and close with some heartfelt thoughts about what supports a long and loving relationship.

Rick’s Attachment Course [http://rickhanson.com/attachment]: Rick is offering a 5-week course on healing insecure attachment that helps people work through attachment issues and improve their relationships. All the sessions are up now, and there's a live Q&A event on May 27, 2025 at 12pm PT via Zoom. You can learn more at RickHanson.com/attachment [http://rickhanson.com/attachment] and get 25% off with coupon code BeingWell25.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction and Opening Banter

2:50: Question 1: People-Pleasing vs. Prosocial Advice for Depression

6:10: Follow-Up: Do We Train Others to Ignore Our Needs?

11:20: Creating Reciprocal Relationships

12:23: Question 2: AI as a Therapist

31:16: Question 3: Sexual Transference in Therapy

39:56: Question 4: Is Remembering That We’re ‘Ultimately Alone’ Helpful?

56:55: Question 5: What’s the Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage?

1:07:13: Wrap-Up and Final Thoughts


Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell [http://shopify.com/beingwell]. 

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 People Pleasing, AI Therapy, and Sexual Transference: May Mailbag

Dr. Rick and Forrest explore disorganized, or “fearful,” attachment. This complex style occurs when emotional intimacy and distance both feel uncomfortable, and typically arises based on difficult life experiences. They unpack why this attachment pattern forms, what it feels like on the inside, and how it can change over time. Dr. Rick explains how to break the Catch-22 of disorganized attachment, and how fully embracing and expressing your needs can be the key to finding stability. Topics include hypersensitivity, repression, experiencing out, self-regulation, and why "boring" relationships can be transformative.

You can watch this episode on YouTube [https://youtu.be/F4hhBkOFfwU].

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:20: How attachment theory developed, and how it has evolved

11:20: How attachment styles shift based on life experience

15:25: Social environment and internal reliability

23:55: The catch 22 of healing disorganized attachment

29:35: Leveraging coping mechanisms for healing

32:20: Hypersensitivity and embracing your need for attunement

39:50: Repression, and experiencing out

45:45: Recognizing what’s true, and how reality is reliable

48:25: Caring for the body, and innate self-love

53:45: Unique therapeutic approaches to disorganized attachment styles

55:25: Embracing what you really want, and creating a coherent narrative

58:40: Bottom-up self-regulation, self-trust, and internalizing positive feedback

1:04:20: When stable relationships are “boring”

1:06:55: Self-respect and freedom in communication

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell [http://shopify.com/beingwell]. 

Go to ZOE.com [http://zoe.com] and find out what ZOE Membership could do for you. Use code WELL10 to get 10% off membership.

Go to Zocdoc.com/BEING [http://zocdoc.com/BEING] to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

Connect with the show:

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Disorganized Attachment: Heal By Embracing Your Needs

Forrest is joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Scott Eilers to explore how he both treats and lives with chronic depression. They discuss anhedonia, the catch-22 of treatment resistance, how to build new practices when it’s the last thing you want to do, acceptance, and how a values-based approach can help someone move forward even when they’re feeling stuck. The conversation touches on some of the existential aspects of depression, the therapeutic relationship, and finding some humor along the way.

About Our Guest: Dr. Scott Eilers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and mental health coach specializing in severe, treatment-resistant mood and anxiety disorders. He is the author of For When Everything Is Burning and hosts the podcast The Psychology of Depression and Anxiety.

You can watch this episode on YouTube [https://youtu.be/gzrQQw3Ms_E].

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:25: Scott’s personal experience of depression

5:45: Distinguishing sadness from depression, and depression vs. a depressing life

9:25: Choosing action, and emotional budgeting

19:10: Symptoms as obstacles, and when to establish new practices

24:45: Navigating emotional numbness, and creating rewarding experiences

31:30: Loneliness, and the struggle to be witnessed

37:45: Accepting how things are, and aiming for better instead of perfect

48:35: AI therapy

54:30: Finding out who you are and what you care about

59:15: Humor, sarcasm, and snarkiness

1:02:50: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell [http://shopify.com/beingwell]. 

Go to ZOE.com [http://zoe.com] and find out what ZOE Membership could do for you. Use code WELL10 to get 10% off membership.

Go to Zocdoc.com/BEING [http://zocdoc.com/BEING] to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

Connect with the show:

 * Subscribe on iTunes [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936]

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Living with Depression with Dr. Scott Eilers

Forrest is joined by poet and author Diego Perez - better known as Yung Pueblo - for a live conversation recorded at City Arts & Lectures in San Francisco. They reunite the sensitive boys club to talk about how inner work transforms our relationships, what it means to love with an open hand, and the difference between attachment and commitment. Diego shares how his meditation practice reshaped his life and partnership, how he and his wife built a new culture of honesty together, and why real love always shows you what you need to work on.

About our Guest: Yung Pueblo is a poet, meditator, and the bestselling author of five books, including How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

4:55: Diego’s personal background, and how he came to meditation

9:25: How meditation affects your relationships

13:40: Attachment vs. commitment, and developing comfort with receiving love

20:50: The student mentality, spiritual arrogance, and ‘don’t know mind’

26:45: Preventative communication

30:40: Being in a relationship when both partners are constantly evolving

35:55: What happens on a silent retreat

40:45: How “advanced meditators” argue, and how to have a low stakes relationship check-in

47:45: Rebuilding after past hurt

54:50: Diego’s relationship with the internet, and why he goes by Yung Pueblo

59:35: RecapSupport the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BEINGWELL at https://www.oneskin.co/ 

Connect with the show:

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 * Follow Forrest on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCav9FeKrYOP4JYoetd-d8XA]

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 * Visit Forrest's website [https://www.forresthanson.com/]



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Live Show: Yung Pueblo on Relationships, Change, and Mindfulness

Can we really change our personalities? In this episode, Forrest is joined by someone who’s actually tried most of the things we talk about on the podcast: journalist and author Olga Khazan. Olga shares the personal experiments that led to her becoming more extroverted and agreeable, and less neurotic. They discuss the Big Five personality traits, how behavior shapes identity, the role of self-concept, authenticity, and some of the common challenges people face when trying to change a core aspect of who they are.

About Our Guest: Olga Khazan is a writer at The Atlantic, where she covers health, culture, and the complexities of human behavior. She's the author of Weird: The Power of Being an Outsider in an Insider World and her new book Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change.

You can watch this episode on YouTube [https://youtu.be/fYUOHTPqLrQ].

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:15: Olga’s personal background with personality change

5:20: Age, extroversion, self-concept, and Olga’s improv classes

10:10: Unconditional positive regard, meditation, and mindfulness

20:55: Trying on different traits, and acceptance vs. change

24:25: Conscientiousness, openness, agreeableness, and individualism

36:20: Changing at the ‘trait level’, and the changes Olga has embraced most

43:50: Psychedelics, non-self, and identifying what’s really true

53:50: Nature vs. nurture and the aspects we can’t change

56:30: Parenting and personality change

1:02:05: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

Head to fastgrowingtrees.com/BEINGWELL [http://fastgrowingtrees.com/BEINGWELL] to get 15% off the best deals for your yard. Use BEINGWELL at checkout, and take advantage of their Alive and Thrive Guarantee!

Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell [http://shopify.com/beingwell]. 

Go to ZOE.com [http://zoe.com] and find out what ZOE Membership could do for you. Use code WELL10 to get 10% off membership.

Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BEINGWELL at https://www.oneskin.co/ 



Connect with the show:

 * Subscribe on iTunes [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936]

 * Follow Forrest on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCav9FeKrYOP4JYoetd-d8XA]

 * Follow us on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/beingwellpodcast/]

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 * Follow Rick on Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/rickhansonphd]

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 * Visit Forrest's website [https://www.forresthanson.com/]
   



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How to Change Your Personality with Olga Khazan

Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson explore the practical science of lasting well-being, and teach you how to build reliable inner strengths, overcome your challenges, and get the most out of life. New conversations every Monday.

Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson