Dr. Rick and Forrest explore how we can become securely attached to ourselves: building an internal foundation that lets us connect with others, regulate our emotions, and explore the world from that secure base. They talk about how this is supposed to develop in childhood, why it doesn't for many people, and what we can actually do about it as adults. Topics include the research on early attachment, why so many of us arrive at adulthood with a strong inner critic and weak inner support, and four practical paths forward: creating a coherent narrative about your past, reparenting yourself, rescaling your sense of self in relation to others, and building self-trust through healthy exploration. 


Rick’s Attachment Course [https://rickhanson.com/online-courses/healing-insecure-attachment/]: Join Rick for a 5-week online course on using the research-backed HEAL method to heal insecure attachment and create new neural pathways for interacting and connecting securely. You can learn more at RickHanson.com/attachment [http://rickhanson.com/attachment] and get 25% off with coupon code BeingWell25.



Key Topics 

0:00: Introduction

2:00: The research on becoming a “secure base”

8:17: How we internalize early sources of regulation and recognition

15:43: What happens when love is contingent

18:44: Forming a coherent narrative

29:14: Reparenting yourself

42:07: Rebuilding your sense of self

57:40: Using your secure base to explore, try, and fail

1:09:18: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



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Becoming Securely Attached (to yourself): Reparenting and Healing Insecure Attachment

If you’ve ever felt paralyzed by the options in your life, you’re not alone. Today, Forrest is joined by best-selling author David Epstein to discuss how constraints can lead to greater creativity, generativity, and, paradoxically, freedom. They trace how intentional constraints have led to some of the most influential contributions to the world, including Mendeleev’s periodic table, Viriginia Woolf’s groundbreaking novels, and Kyrie Irving’s (potential) hall of fame career. Throughout, they focus on how we can go from seeing constraints as an obstacle to appreciating them as an asset, and then apply this principle to building more meaningful and satisfying lives. 



About our guest: David Epstein is a renowned science journalist and the best selling author of The Sports Gene [https://www.amazon.com/Sports-Gene-Extraordinary-Athletic-Performance/dp/161723012X] and Range [https://www.amazon.com/Range-Generalists-Triumph-Specialized-World/dp/0735214484]. His new book, Inside the Box: How Constraints Make Us Better [https://www.amazon.com/Inside-Box-Constraints-Make-Better/dp/0593715713], comes out May 5th.



Key Topics: 

0:00: Why focus on constraints?

5:21: Why constraints are good for us

13:50: Time and attention as (productive) bottlenecks

17:10: Why ‘flashes of genius’ are often exaggerated

25:02: What Virginia Woolf teaches us about constraints and creativity

29:35: How unlimited freedom undermines the scientific process

38:29 Constraints make for better sports training

40:23: Applying constraints to our work and relationships

46:02: Satisficers vs maximizers, and how to become a satisficer

48:50: Expanding our notion of constraints

55:14: Death and impermanence; the ultimate constraints

57:45: Will constraints help the Celtics win the NBA Championship?

1:05:49: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



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Using Constraints to Improve Creativity, Focus, and Decision-Making with David Epstein 

Have you ever had a friend not text you back, and you’re certain that they’re mad at you? This is often a disruption in the process of mentalization: the ability to recognize that our thoughts and feelings might not be facts. Mentalization is a process we can all struggle with, but it’s particularly important for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In this episode, Forrest is joined by clinical social worker Robert Drozek to discuss Mentalization-Based Therapy and the tools that can help us develop more flexibility and curiosity around our assumptions. Drozek outlines the three common modes of mentalizing, explains how childhood experiences shape mentalization, and offers a map for building healthier ways of relating to our thoughts and feelings. 

About our Guest: Robert Drozak is a clinical social worker, the clinical director of the Mentalization-Based Treatment Clinic at McLean Hospital, and a teaching associate in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. His first book, Mentalization: Utilizing Reflection to Heal from Borderline Personality Disorder [https://www.amazon.com/Mentalization-Utilizing-Reflection-Borderline-Personality/dp/019891685X], is the first book about Mentalization-Based Treatment aimed at a general audience. 

Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro: what is mentalization?

5:12: Ways mentalization can go wrong

13:25: Borderline Personality Disorder as a deficit in mentalization

22:13: How mentalization is shaped in childhood

28:54: The alien self

32:23: Developing an MBT formulation

42:03: MBT in the therapy room

54:40: Challenging your beliefs and assumptions

1:11:21: How to get out of pretend mode

1:21:37: Addressing problems with interoception

1:30:00: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Mentalization-Based Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder with Robert Drozek

Why does knowing we overthink not help us stop? Dr. Rick and Forrest discuss why rumination becomes a self-reinforcing habit,  and why insight alone rarely helps. They distinguish between rumination and reflection, and talk about how balancing acceptance and agency can help us go from one to the other. Forrest talks about the relationship between overthinking and feelings of disappointment and failure, and Rick shares practical ways to interrupt the cycle, shift into more concrete forms of problem-solving, and finally stop ruminating.

Rick's Rumination Course: If rumination is a persistent issue for you, check out Rick’s five-week online course focused on practical tools for letting go of these negative thought loops. Learn more at RickHanson.com/ruminating [http://rickhanson.com/ruminating], and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.

Previous episodes on rumination and overthinking:

 * Breaking the Self-Awareness Trap: How to Stop Overthinking | Being Well [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksKIJu7kcYw]
   
 * 
   Rumination: How to Disrupt Obsessive Thoughts [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2tnf8q7GMk]

Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro: what is rumination

5:35: Why we ruminate

21:06: Why rumination doesn't help us

25:24: Moving from rumination to reflection

31:35: Rumination as a habit

38:40: Interrupting the rumination habit

46:44: Radical helplessness and radical resourcefulness

53:43: More ways to move from abstract to concrete thinking 

1:07:23: The role of mindfulness

1:13:32: Recap


Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]

Sponsors

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Breaking the Habit of Overthinking: Rumination, Cognitive Bypassing, and the Insight Trap

In this very special episode, Dr. Jacob Ham and associate therapist Elizabeth Ferreira join me to discuss their work as trauma therapists. They talk openly about the messy, unglamorous reality of struggle, mistakes, and repair that characterizes trauma work, its nature as both art and science, how their work has changed over time, and what they’ve learned along the way. Topics include self-disclosure, working with shame and grief, dealing with situations where the client wants an apology, the difference between trauma work and more manualized approaches, therapist training and supervision, and “polishing the mirror.” 

I loved listening to Dr. Ham and Elizabeth talk during this episode. It’s a truly unique one, and I hope you enjoy it. 



About our Guest: Dr. Jacob Ham is a clinical psychologist, Associate Clinical Professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and the Director of the Center for Complex Trauma there. He's the clinician featured in Stephanie Foo’s wonderful book What My Bones Know.



Key Topics : 

0:00: Introduction and nervousness

6:21: The role of disclosure

11:34: Mistakes, rupture, and repair

23:20: Sharing grief

33:04: Supervision and parallel process 

36:29: Therapy as an art form

47:52: Structure, flexibility, and 'opening the hand'

52:50: A listener question: how to let it all go

1:02:40: How trauma work changes you

1:07:46: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors
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Trauma Therapy: What It’s Really Like with Dr. Jacob Ham and Elizabeth Ferreira

Dr. Rick and Forrest explore the lessons we can learn from two of Humanistic psychology’s more challenging branches: existential psychology and transpersonal psychology. Existential psychology asks what it means to build a meaningful life in the face of death, while Transpersonal psychology wonders if the individual self is what we should be so focused on. Forrest and Rick focus on the work of Rollo May, Irvin Yalom, Abraham Maslow, and Stanislav Grof, and major themes include freedom, agency, anxiety, the limits of the “self,” and how confronting these can lead to a fuller and more meaningful life. 



Rick’s Self-Worth Course: Starts this week! In this 6-week online course, Rick will guide you in practical, research-backed ways to release old patterns and grow a lasting sense of confidence, kindness toward yourself, and genuine self-worth. Learn more at RickHanson.com/worthy and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.



Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro and recap of humanistic psychology

6:12: History and context of existential psychology

12:04: Three important lessons from existentialism

26:03: Agency and meaning making within existential psychology

38:38: Overview of transpersonal psychology

1:00:43: Three important lessons from transpersonal psychology

1:11:14: Closing reflections, and a one word summary

1:14:07: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors
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6 Lessons from Existential and Transpersonal Psychology

Why don’t we choose the things we know are good for us? It’s usually because we’re struggling with self-regulation, one of the most important (and most misunderstood) skills out there. In today’s episode, Forrest talks with Eric Zimmer about what healthy self-regulation actually looks like,  the gap between insight and action, how shame can derail us, and why most change comes down to small steps taken consistently. They discuss how to figure out what actually matters to you vs. what you want right now, the tension between acceptance and change, and how to get back on track after a slip without making it worse.



About our Guest: Eric Zimmer is the creator of The One You Feed, an award-winning podcast with over 50 million downloads. He’s also the author of the new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life [https://www.amazon.com/How-Little-Becomes-Lot-Meaningful/dp/0063420805].



Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro: Why is self-regulation so important?

4:32: Moving from insight to action

8:14: Values versus desires

14:25: Eric’s sobriety journey

20:57: Changing our relationship to shame

32:05: When to accept things as they are, and when to move from acceptance to change 

38:17: Choosing the more useful meaning

42:51: How to get over self-doubt

46:41: Having a backup plan for when things go sideways

53:54: Balancing striving with non-craving

1:06:16: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors

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Self-Regulation: How a Little Becomes a Lot with Eric Zimmer

Why is it so hard for us to do what we actually want to do? In this episode, Forrest explains the hidden structure of self-abandonment: how shame drives the loop, how the loop produces more shame, and how the inner critic uses a “can’t win” situation to keep us stuck. Then he and Dr. Rick explore what actually breaks the cycle, including the role of anger, the difference between shame and grief, self-compassion, and what it really means to get on your own side.



Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro and overview of self-abandonment

4:38: What are we abandoning?

8:30: The self-abandonment loop

21:55: How a parts model can help us understand the shame

26:20: The double-bind of self-criticism

32:56: How to get out of the double-bind

41:34: Anger and resentment

49:47: Moving from shame to grief

56:15: Breaking the self-abandonment loop

1:10:22: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors

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The Self-Abandonment Loop: Shame, Self-Criticism, and How to Break Free

Forrest is joined by associate therapist and his fiancée Elizabeth Ferreira for an honest, personal conversation about what it's actually like to be in a relationship when one partner is living with trauma, complex PTSD, or another ongoing mental health challenge. Drawing on their experience together, they discuss supporting without enabling, avoiding power imbalances, managing resentment, dealing with moments of frustration, and the importance of reciprocity. Elizabeth has some thoughts about the DSM. Forrest shares about how Elizabeth has supported him. It’s a good one.



Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro and Elizabeth’s overview

5:50: How trauma shapes you

9:05: How Elizabeth found safety in her relationship with Forrest

11:12: How the relationship helped Forrest grow

15:44: Self-discovery through relationship

21:19: How to effectively support a partner with mental illness

33:42: Being ‘sturdy’

39:18: Navigating criticism

43:30: Communicating without resentment or shame

54:57: Avoiding stigma, and why Elizabeth wants to throw the DSM out the window

59:52: Not buying in to the smallest version of your partner

1:04:27: Recap



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors

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Trauma in Relationships: What Actually Helps with Elizabeth Ferreira

Have you ever walked back into your parents' house and suddenly felt like you'd downloaded an old version of yourself? In today’s episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explain why through one of the most influential frameworks in psychology: Family Systems Theory (FST). 



FST argues that hidden rules govern the behavior of the groups we’re a part of, and when you know the rules it’s easier to see them in action. Rick and Forrest explore how systems replicate patterns of behavior, place people into specific roles, and manage anxiety through shifting alliances. They close with how we can become differentiated by building a stronger sense of self. Topics include balancing closeness and distance, triangulation, specific roles like the “golden child,” FST’s non-pathologizing stance, the intergenerational transmission of patterns, and building strong relationships outside the system.



This episode includes references to self-harm.



Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro

2:19: What’s Family Systems Theory?

12:01: Overview of big concepts in FST

18:50: Family roles

25:19: How anxiety moves through a family system

36:42: The “identified patient”

46:51: Balancing compassion, agency, and responsibility

51:11: How healthy differentiation can disrupt a system

57:48: How to become more differentiated

1:11:33: Recap 



Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. [https://www.patreon.com/beingwellpodcast]



Sponsors



Grab Huel today with my exclusive offer of 15% OFF online with my code BEINGWELL at https://huel.com/beingwell [http://huel.com/beingwell]. New customers only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show!



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Family Systems Theory: The Invisible Force That Runs Your Relationships

Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson explore the practical science of lasting well-being, and teach you how to build reliable inner strengths, overcome your challenges, and get the most out of life. New conversations every Monday.

Forrest Hanson

Shows