Transcript
Speaker: Today on the Outdoorsy Educator podcast, I'm very excited to introduce you to Rose Moore. You may know Rose from her time on Alone, but there's so much more to her story than what we saw on television.
Speaker: Her experiences in the wilderness gave her the opportunity to test herself, learn about what she is made of, and experience some pretty powerful moments along the way.
Speaker: In our conversation, Rose opens up about her childhood, her wilderness journey, what the outdoors has taught her, and what life looks like now. I hope you enjoy my conversation with Rose Moore.
Speaker: And on this week's episode of the Outdoorsy Educator podcast, we have Rose Moore. Rose, how are you today? I am very well. How are you? Wonderful. Thank you so much for being here. Why don't you tell the audience a little bit about yourself?
Speaker: Absolutely. Thanks for having me. My name is Rose Moore and i live in Wellsboro, Pennsylvania. um i am a mother. i am a conservationist. I am an educator and um I think I'm probably a little more widely known for season eight of a Alone on the History Channel.
Speaker: Yeah, that's certainly how we've connected and I'm looking forward to to getting it into that. i but You know, as I do when I've got ah a wonderful guest coming on, looked up a little bit about you, saw some fantastic videos, especially related to alone. But one thing that jumped out as me to me as an educator, you've described the outdoors as your safe place as a child. And you even went as far to say that your childhood wasn't easy. I was curious what role the outdoors played in your life at a young age.
Speaker: Yeah, so I would say um up until um probably the show, um I didn't talk a whole lot about my childhood because it was a little difficult. um So after the show, I thought, you know what? It's a great part of my story that explains everything. So now I actually very much enjoy talking about why it's so important to me. So um the the outdoors playing a role in my life as a child was... um just a normal environment that I grew up in. And it's, are you familiar with George Washington Sears Nesmik? He was known as, that was his pen name?
Speaker: No, no, tell me about that. So he was, um he was an ultralight ah camper. He was, or ultralight canoeing. He did a lot of that up here in this area, but um he was kind of the father of modern day bushcraft. Late 1800s, a lot of people follow his practices. He has some really great books that he wrote. He wrote for, i think it was Forest and Stream Magazine, it was called at the time. So he he did not originate originate from here, but he moved here with his family.
Speaker: And um he traveled all over and they lived in Asif area, which is just outside of Wellsboro. So that's where i grew up. I grew up in Asif and Asif is on the Pine Creek um area that we had talked about earlier. Pine Creek is the um largest little creek in the United States, I believe.
Speaker: um But there's a mountain called Nesbik Mountain named after him. So our whole town here in Wellsboro celebrates Nesbik. George Washington Sears. So um you can imagine with ah a gentleman living here and practicing bushcraft that it's just the ideal area. So I grew up at the base of that mountain, just running around in the mountains. I did not know who he was at the time, you know, the story of him, but um grew up in that same environment. So I, it was ingrained in me. I just loved it, you know, love being out there, but at home, it was slightly different. So um
Speaker: I come from a, ah you know, a home that was not safe for me. So we were moved around a lot, um put in different safe houses, and then moved back to the home. And then we would go to a safe house move back to the home. So when I was at home, um those moments of being in the house were always just not good. So you just didn't come home.
Speaker: So I just stayed out there all the time. So for me, it's not scary out there. It was my safe place. it's always just nice to be out there. So staying here where I'm from was just probably what I was always going to do. I did for a little while think I just wanted to move away, but I wasn't able to stay away. so I love that you didn't let those terrible things drive you away from the place you call home. And I think it's ah it should be a badge of honor that you have stayed and and created your own home there.
Speaker: You know, I think I also um feel so connected to this area because there were there were kids that were like me here. We live in a town that is, it's a Hallmark town. um I think it's even in a Hallmark movie, our little town with the gas lights down Main Street. It's a beautiful little place. But there are so many children here that aren't represented maybe by the beauty of that, the center of that town. And I just knew that if there were more people to offer me opportunities,
Speaker: when I was a kid, that it would have been maybe a little easier to just know that there were there were but more people there for me and not feel so alone all the time, which is just ironic that I ended up on alone, I always say, because I just always felt alone growing up. And I just wanted to stay and make sure that I gave opportunities to those kids that I didn't have when I was a kid. And I just knew I would get there someday. i wasn't sure how I would do it. So my path started me off on the criminal justice field. And then I quickly realized that I couldn't offer them the positive that I wanted to. so
Speaker: know That's what I was going to ask you Obviously, the the outdoors has you know shaped your childhood. Was it something that you always thought, I want to work in the outdoors? out What kind of jobs are there at you know working outside?
Speaker: Or did that kind of come to you a little later in life? So that came to me later in life because I think for me, it was mostly just... ah a survival mentality when I was a kid. So I don't, I don't have all of the memories of playing sports or getting to do all of the things that kids got to do. um I just remember, you know, the always trying to stay out of the way or, you know, just listening to what was maybe happening because there was always a lot of whispering about what maybe was safe and what wasn't safe and what was said and what was happening. And, you know, you're hiding in the back of cars and the adults are talking and, whisking you away. So it was more a lot of like, I think, survival.
Speaker: So, you know, being thrown from one school to another school, would, that would be taken out of school to be in the safe house. And then you stay in the safe house for a while, but then you can start that school, but then you start that school and then they move you back.
Speaker: And then you go back to another school. So it was just like new people all the time trying to fit in, trying to constantly adjust. in And, know, I didn't get to really plan for who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be.
Speaker: yeah. Well, I know we just met, but it just makes me really proud of you and and being able to share the story because other people out there may have gone through something very similar or just even just slightly relatable and may feel alone.
Speaker: And because you're now talking about it, I hope somebody out there goes, you know what? Somebody else has been through this too and look what's happened. So thank you for sharing that vulnerable story.
Speaker: Thank you so much. That's very nice of you. I appreciate your kind words. Of course. um So we'll fast forward a little bit now and sort of change gears. I understand that Alone got in touch with you. I'd love to hear the sort of, you know before your boots were on the ground of British Columbia, a little bit about the story, about how it happened for you, because it's a very popular show to apply to.
Speaker: Many, many thousands each season. I'd love to hear little bit about your story. Yeah. um It actually is a really fun story because it was during COVID. So there was always, you know, there, there was so much going on every day. It was a new something with COVID, you know, we're shutting this down, new regulations, new advisories, just every day, it was something new that was happening. And I had just opened a an extension of a sporting goods store that I had in another town. I wanted to come back home and move my sporting goods store over here to Wellsboro, which was just 20 minutes away. But it was in, it was a way for me to kind of fade that off.
Speaker: um I wanted to leave my sporting goods store and just do this nonprofit where I gave people opportunities in the outdoors. um So um I had just opened my sporting goods store I think in December, I opened the doors, did like a soft opening.
Speaker: And then in March, COVID hit and shut my store down. so Great timing. Yeah. So what I had been doing prior to that, when I was gearing up to just kind of show people who I was and what I was doing for like probably five or six years prior to that, I had started this brand called This Is My Quest.
Speaker: where I was teaching people about, i was on this quest to teach people the importance of being in nature and how important hunting is to all kinds of cultures, not just, you know, certain cultures, but really all cultures it's a part of. And so I was traveling around the world with my bow.
Speaker: um i would sometimes be in Greenland, you know, with Inuits or, you um Where else? to Africa. I spent some time over in New Mexico, Alberta, just kind of all over the place, um showcasing who I was and what I did. um And not really paying attention or ever thinking that television would be in my sights. Probably even a couple of times have thought I would never want to be on TV. So it just wasn't anything that I ever thought that I would end up doing. So while I was doing all of that and then COVID shut my store down, I thought, okay, well, i'll focus more on that. That way I can reach people. So I had a pretty good following already, you know, just kind of showcasing all these different hunts and stuff that I did in different places that I traveled and people I met along the way. And so I thought I'll put challenges out on Instagram.
Speaker: for kids to do like track identification, keep them busy in the outside, they're home, they need things to do. So I would put out these challenges and running some, and I know trapping is such a sensitive topic for some people, but everything I teach, I teach the conservation aspect of it. So that was one of the fun things I got to do about trapping was to just show people how important it is to maintaining the correct population of small mammals. So um I was doing a lot of that, which factored into the message that I got from a producer. She had said that she was from the show called Alone and followed me on Instagram. Loved that I was a female trapper and um was wondering if I would have any interest in talking to her. And I thought it was a scam because I didn't own a television. I didn't watch television. I actually...
Speaker: my where my television is supposed to be, there's a fish tank. So i just don't, you know, I'm kind of out of touch with what happens, you know? So um I thought it was a scam and I actually was standing at my register and I remember we could have one customer come in at a time and the customer came in and was talking to me and my watch buzzed and I saw it was an email and it just said, I saw the beginning was like alone, a producer, whatever. And I was like,
Speaker: scam email, you know, i just kind of brushed it away and talk into my customer. And um later that night, I sat down at my desk and was going over catching up on some stuff. And I thought, you know what, I'll look at that email again. And I was like, I wonder what this show is. So I started, you know, Googling it to see what it was.
Speaker: And I thought I would never be on a show that wasn't real because I teach ethical hunting. I teach fair chase. You know what I mean? Everything I do, um i just try to do.
Speaker: do it right and do it fair and you know it's just it's just who i am um and uh from what i could tell it was a real survival show there was no camera or no camera crew um and you really were alone and i thought you know in all of the places that i've traveled around the world there is always somebody fairly close um You don't really get to do it alone.
Speaker: And because I'm a woman, there's always, you know, a gracious man who wants to help me lift something heavy or, you know, help me bring an animal in or whatever. And I appreciate that very much. But to have an opportunity to just really see what I could do it really ah was an exciting thought. So I thought, you know what, I want to reach back out to her and just see what she has to say. Right.
Speaker: Yeah, so I did. and um yeah, it was just a fun conversation and a fun thought. And then she told me how many people apply for the show. And I thought, I'm never going to make it any farther than this. I'm girl from Wellsboro, Pennsylvania, you know, like, i'm not going to end up on this show. So she just asked me to send off videos. So i thought, right, well, mean, what else do I have to do? you know, my store is barely open. And Wasn't quite sure what else my days were gonna consist of. So started making videos.
Speaker: I love it. And I think that I'm going to assume most of those, you know, the many thousands, they're replying almost like cold calling, but they reached out to you. So obviously they saw something and I'm going to guess, and maybe you you'll never know, or maybe you do something beyond just, Oh, she can trap and she can hunt because lots of people may be able to do that. But I love that. They must have seen something on your social media on that made them think this is who we would love to apply to the show.
Speaker: Yeah. and i And I don't know that I totally know, but there was one thing that they kept asking me when we were at orientation. um They do like a lot of ah they'll ask you a lot of questions and, you know, you sit in front of a camera and um and he they kept asking me.
Speaker: um how a girl like me, what people would think about a girl like me ending up on that show. And I thought, what does that mean? like I was going to ask you, what what are they talking about? don't know. So, well, I didn't know. Now I think I know because after you watch it, so there's a lot of stuff with a show of mine that they didn't show people like my finished shelter. And I can remember that wind was coming down across that lake so hard one day. And my shelter, I was trying to show people how well i had the camera, how well I had chinked it with moss because the you know there wasn't much wind blowing through my shelter. I spent just endless amounts of time like
Speaker: insulating that shelter. And like they didn't show you know how much time I had spent on that or you know my raised bed or how organized I was under my bed like any of that stuff. And I think what they were trying to do was pitch me as the blonde trophy hunter.
Speaker: Right. Yes. So, yeah, which was unfortunate because I teach conservation. So I got a lot of, not a lot of messages, but I did get some angry messages after lady had sent me a message and she said, I hope you're happy teaching children to kill animals. And I'm like, that's not what I do. that's...
Speaker: that that That's such a shame. I know. yeah So, um you know, they they didn't I don't think they wanted to showcase like a whole lot of skill. Not that I think I'm like, you know, so advanced to that, you know, um but I think that that's just who I was. That was the the image that they were portraying.
Speaker: And, you know, it's fine because i always say that I am so grateful for the show for so many reasons. And one of those is it gave me a national platform to showcase my nonprofit, which works perfectly. So now I get to reach hundreds of kids every year.
Speaker: So I love that. so I'm so glad that it's given you something long lasting beyond the show experience itself. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm grateful. And I'd love to, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions about the the experience of being on the show. But I think it's it's easy for, i think perhaps all of us, when you have a a unique big experience to assume that it is going to be transformative, which it could be, but I find that equally,
Speaker: you could be You could go through something like this and go, you know what I love my life the way it is. I've got a great life. It's given me a new appreciation and I'm going to just double down on what I have. like and it Or it could be anything in between these things. So, mean, first of all, I'd like to ask you the physical isolation or the psychological isolation? Because we see that if you watch a alone, that the wrestling between those two ah sets of isolation.
Speaker: Yeah. And I don't, I don't know that the isolation factored in for me at all. and i write Right. So they did ask, I was the only mother on the show that year. And so they did ask, you know, um ah you know, they come for a med check and that they would say, are you missing your kids?
Speaker: boy So you're trying to get me to like, focus on this and be sad. Right. Yeah. So they don't say a lot to you They just, you know, was say a little bit, but there were a couple, you know, a couple of those little things that you can see they're trying to like,
Speaker: get a little bit of emotion out of you. And of course I missed my kids, but my kids were grown. So what I did before I went, it was super important for me to kind of compartmentalize my thoughts and my emotions and to be able to do that. And I think just growing up in the life that I grew up in, I have that ability to a certain point. I mean, i am still a girl and I will cry,
Speaker: but but just sporadically, you never know when. But um I think that i I can be in a situation where I have to be very capable of just putting those feelings where I need them to be or those thoughts where I need them to be. Because when you're out there and you are you know sawing a piece of wood, before you know it, you're so deep in thought. And I did catch myself doing that. And you can see that when i when I talked about my husband leaving me. That's not something I wanted to talk about on national TV. But before you know it, and then I caught myself and I was like,
Speaker: no, no, we're not doing that. We're not going to think about that right now. So I would take that time. There were a few times I shut off the camera and I would say, i just want to take a few minutes to think about my kids.
Speaker: And so I would just do that. Yeah. So for me, isolation, I don't think was a big deal because I've spent a lot of time with myself and traveling alone. But when I was a kid, I think, you know, you go to a new, I ended up in foster care eventually, but you go to a new foster home and you're really alone. i mean, there are people there, but you know, you're alone. yeah. Emotionally alone. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. So I think I had done that for a long time. And I think that I was okay. I don't think I really, um I don't think you really heard me say a lot, you know, about being alone. Every once in a while, I would think about, you know, somebody in my life and maybe make mention of them, but it wasn't, wasn't anything that was going to stop what I was doing.
Speaker: That ah you just I'm thinking about how these skills transfer, as I assume they have to other aspects of your life and and how powerful that is to be able to be comfortable being alone. Something ah and this is this will seem very trivial. I've noticed that sometimes people have a picture of their family.
Speaker: And I didn't know if A, that was one of the 10 items you were allowed to bring or B, I can't decide if I would want that or not. Because i like you, I think I would have to compartmentalize and kind of try and shut that off. And if we talked about being a grandparent entirely, if I had picture of my granddaughter looking at me, i think that might that might be really difficult for me to have.
Speaker: Yeah. And um I did have a picture and I think that i I only took it out once or twice, but it was those it was as we got farther along. And I thought, you know, it's just it's healthy for me to think about them, but in a controlled way.
Speaker: So I would, um you know, a couple of times I would look at it. And I would think, you know, just have some moments that were really special to me, like when they were a child, you know, little because they're adults. um But yeah, you know, their voices or but a lot of um what what happened out there was you forget um things. I don't know if anybody has told you this, but um and I imagine it happens with most everybody out there. But I was forgetting what things looked like.
Speaker: Like um I could not picture my cell phone, something that I have in my hands all the time. But I would think, what does your cell phone look like? What color is your cell phone? Like trying to make myself think of a customer who was very close to me. Like um he's since passed, but he was like my father. i was like, what does Arnie's face look like? I couldn't.
Speaker: Remember, my brain was letting some of that go because it was really just focusing on what was needed, what was important. So the picture was nice when I couldn't get the images I wanted to be able to look at it.
Speaker: I think you've you've just reminded me of a completely unrelated conversation I had the other day about why, and I didn't know if this was true or not, but i think it is for me, that cell phones never appear in dreams.
Speaker: And maybe it's because, and I read that and I thought, well, that sounds like nonsense. Then I thought for a second, I thought, you know what? I think you're onto something and maybe it's because your brain is only when you're asleep. I've got no idea, but focusing on what's important. It's not interesting. Yeah, and I haven't dug into it, but I think there's something to it.
Speaker: I always say there's so much to be learned from the people. People that are on alone, like just to study like nutrition when I came back was like my obsession because that's why we get depressed out there. People always say, um why would they go on the show if they were going to miss their family? Well, they didn't go knowing that's called starved brain syndrome. And I don't know if you've ever researched it, but what an amazing experience.
Speaker: still like research opportunity to study it because we can't really study it. You know, we can't starve people, but starved brain syndrome is very, very interesting. And I think we do see a little bit of it in society today, just because of the lack of nutrition from our foods.
Speaker: Right. You know, we we're not eating those nutrient-dense foods. And so we have all these um hormonal imbalances. So there you get to see it at a quick, extreme level. So what a great way to be able to study it. i mean, you have this show where people are starving and seeing the long-term effects when I came back. were something that I tried to stay really aware of because I had a little bit of PTSD. You know, when you're starving and you have grizzly bears outside your shelter breathing and shaking water off and, right you know, following you around for a few hours, you know, it it affects you negatively. So when I came back,
Speaker: um trying to really take care of my mental health along with my physical health was something that I really focused on. And it's something that I get to take to all of the women and the kids that I work with, all of this knowledge about nutrition and firsthand experience that I have. So yeah, I really think that we're missing an opportunity to be able to study that a little bit better by not. And I tried to talk to my physicians about it, but you know, it's not anything that they're like super interested in. It's not their area of focus and you know, but yeah.
Speaker: Well, I'm now going to look into it without giving you too much of my backstory. This podcast is about you, not me. You know, I'm a researcher at Boakete University and it's 92% female student population, which literally called Texas Women's University. and big And because of that, there's a lot of ah lots of students who are there getting into health services, nurses, nutritionists, things like that. stereotypically more females go into those those fields so we have a lot of women there so i'm now noting this down because i'm always looking at ways of connecting my passions research and then the outdoors alone all of these things so i'm going to yeah i'm going to reach out to a couple of people about starved brain syndrome
Speaker: Yeah. And I think that, um you know, women always trying to look better. They deprive themselves of those nutrients. And then we talk so much about perimenopause as such a thing now. Well, that's a hormone imbalance and we're seeing it in younger women women. You know, it could be directly related to their diet. um So, you know, trying to educate women better on that, but we can't because we don't really have all the data that we need to understand what is causing it or so. Yeah, I think it's a it's a missed opportunity. So that's great that you would pass that information along, kind of poke somebody to maybe.
Speaker: you know, look a little bit more into it. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm going to dig into that. I would love to take you back and I want to make sure I get the day right. Day 37. Yeah. the day Is that okay? That's the day.
Speaker: Would you like just to talk us through what happened on day 37 Alone?
Speaker: Let's see, 37. So 37 is that number that I'm trying to be okay with even six years later. i could see it on your face when I said it. was like, there's a slight grimace. Yeah, yeah. Because for me, that 37 was nothing. I thought for sure i was the first person out.
Speaker: In my mind, i had failed so horribly and it was just devastating to me. I have a journal that they give you when you're in recovery because they don't give you electronics. They don't give you any of your stuff back because it's too much for your brain. So they give you a journal and some markers. And when I read that, how sad.
Speaker: it was like in those moments when um i got back to recovery, I just i would wake up and I would say, i just want to be back in my my shelter. I want to go back home. um Yeah, it's so sad. Like it makes me want to cry now because it was just such a sad moment. Everything I had worked so hard to build and I didn't get the choice to leave. It was not my choice to tap out or to say I'm done. i wasn't done.
Speaker: So um that morning, um I knew that I wasn't feeling okay. I was having really bad abdominal pains um and i had been having trouble with my feet.
Speaker: So the pain in my in my toes was really severe. So um two days prior to that, i think it was two days. It's so hard to remember that timeline now. Of course. um I had woken up and halfway up my leg, um my lower leg, it felt like a string around my leg, like somebody had tied it off.
Speaker: And everything below that point felt like dead, like a brick. Right. So I couldn't get it. I couldn't like feel it. It just felt numb. And so I was like rubbing it inside my sleeping bag and trying to wrap any extra clothes I had around it, just trying to get, but my body was not circulating blood to my extremities like I needed it to because I was starving.
Speaker: Right. So um I had and I knew I had plenty of food. So when I woke up that day prior to that day, i would go to sleep counting about how many bites I could get out of the hind quarter of a rabbit or and I would portion off that whole rabbit in my thoughts going to sleep or when I woke up, how long I can make the rabbit last.
Speaker: Um, and so that morning though, I knew you have to get to your food, which was like a hundred yards up in the woods. I think, um, maybe 200, I can't remember the measurements, but, um, you have to get to your food. I had a whole pot of rabbit stew hanging in a tree and, uh, you have to eat as much as you can eat, just start eating and you're going to get more food. So that was my, like my new, like realization. You have to eat your, your body is starving to death. Um, so I attempted that morning to go get that food, but forgot to take my comm bag with me. So they couldn't track me.
Speaker: So you can't go anywhere without your communications bag, but I was forgetting things. So, um, and I know like you read the comments after that people make and you shouldn't, but yeah. Right, right. Somebody sitting on their couch with a bowl of popcorn telling you what you should or shouldn't have done. yeah Yeah, like you're not even equipped to be out there if you can't remember your calm bag. Well, my brain isn't really working at an optimal level. So um I'm forgetting people's faces for crying out loud. You know, like it was not, I just, my focus was getting,
Speaker: physically getting to that pot in the tree. And, um, yeah, I just, uh, I knew I was going to struggle with it. And so I was just trying to remember to take my camera, which was like so important. And then I passed out. Um, so I don't know, you know, how long I passed out or whatever, you know, in the snow, no comeback. So, um I didn't end up getting to all the way up the hill to the tree. I had to go back to the shelter and, you know, just make sure that everything was okay. I couldn't feel my toes. What I could feel was super painful. I didn't know how long I had kind of blacked out. So I knew I needed to get back, get warmed up.
Speaker: And then I was going, so this is kind of happening over a little bit of time. And my stomach hurts so bad. Right. So um I don't know how long of a time that was. And I also remember when I went out that morning, there was fresh snow and the bobcat had been sniffing around my shelter. There were bobcat tracks all around my shelter. um So I didn't really get to talk a lot about this new Bobcat friend that I had that had come from my kitchen down and was like hanging out around my shelter. um But those are just a few things that I remember from that morning. But it is hard to remember totally that morning in that timeline. And then i remember thinking that I heard about Bob.
Speaker: And you can smell fuel really, really well when you're out there. If there's anything in the area, you're so sensitive to the smell of fuel. And I thought, it can't be a med check, Mort.
Speaker: um And then I heard the boat coming in I was like, it's them. And they had taken pictures of my toes prior. um it was at a med check. They had actually left, gotten on the boat. And then the doctor came running back up and asked me to take my shoes off so she could take pictures of my feet. So they were watching them. right So I knew that, you know, there was something was happening and I thought, well, maybe it's just more med checks more often now.
Speaker: Um, and, uh, or maybe they're going to drop off batteries or something, you know, cause they do blind drops. You can leave batteries on the beach or whatever, and they'll pick them up. And then so I stood up and when I stood up, everything just kind of went black and it was like sparkly, you know, like I was going to pass out.
Speaker: Uh, and then I kind of slowly, everything came back and I looked and I saw them coming. So I just sat back on my bed and I was like, oh no, they're coming for me. um Had I been in any better shape, I may not have stayed in my shelter. I may have gone up in the woods and hoped that they went away. Right.
Speaker: I really was afraid that's what they were there for. And I don't think I think I missed my morning comm check. So they do a comm check. They check in in the morning just to see it's a beep, like a beeping system just to make sure that you're OK. So you do comm checks twice a day. Um, and if you don't answer and you haven't moved, then something is obviously wrong.
Speaker: So, um, yeah, they, Dan came in and talked to me and they checked, you know, my feet and, you know, what I, what was happening. And, um, they went outside and they all discussed it. And Dan came back in and he said, um,
Speaker: I don't think that we're gonna let you stay. And i I was very upset and I said, I'll be fine, I can do this. And he said, can you get to your food and can you get to water? And I said, i think I can. And um then they talked a little bit more about it. He came back in and he said, we can't leave you. So um I went to stand up and get out of the shelter. But then every time I stood up, you know, it was like, I don't know if my blood pressure was dropping, if my blood sugar was dropping, something was, you know, just not okay. And then um I got out of the shelter and I was like, just give me a second. I can't really see. Everything was a little bit blurry. But then they scooped me up because, you know, dramatics, it was perfect for television. And I was just done. I was crying. I was...
Speaker: Felt defeated and sad. And it was. It was pretty sad. Yeah. All the emotions coming out to once. I'm sure. It was so bad. Yeah. So I'm like, when I say I'm trying to be okay with that number, I give everything that number. If I have an opportunity to get a number for something, 37 my number. Right. You're redefining what it means.
Speaker: I am. I am. And they don't tell you anything. Like you can't ask, jane is anybody out else out? I was so worried about Michelle. Michelle and I really connected and I was so worried about her. And I was like, is Michelle okay? You know, just is Teresa okay? And they're telling you nothing. yeah.
Speaker: I was just for days so sad. Oh my gosh, it was it was bad. So actually um Dan came to talk to me in my room and he said, I just feel so bad that you are so sad. Like we have got to like help you get over this.
Speaker: they were just like you're not okay I really was not okay it was it was terrible so and you can't you can't know your number you can't know anything because when they send you home you're not allowed to have any information I was you know i don't want to pull the curtain back too much and you know the magic of the show so they they don't tell you what position you finished nope I mean obviously you just know you didn't win and that's it Yep.
Speaker: Yep. And so you're not allowed to know. So you, you know, spend months trying to figure it out. You know, that's fascinating. That really, really is. It's really hard to. Yeah. Because we're not allowed to reach out to each other. When you go home, you're not allowed to contact any other participants.
Speaker: that That's got to be so, A, from, yeah, show point of view, you want to gossip but or chit-chat about this, but you'll also have made friends in the, can't remember what you call it, but you know, the two weeks before.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah, you'll have made friendships and bond with these people. Yeah. And we were there longer because we had quarantine. So we had, I think, 16 days of quarantine, i something like that. was this ah It was a beautiful horse ranch in the mountains. And I just got to wander around and play with all these horses. And I think I walked like 92 miles in the mountains while I was at quarantine. just And Michelle said to me, we would just look out the door and we'd see you in your red Converse and your backpack. Just walk in there, go cry. couldn't just sit there in my room. So I would just go wander around in the mountains. It was really amazing.
Speaker: But then um when you first get there, you know, the other participants are there, but you're quarantined. You have to stay away from each other. But then after, you know, a few days that you're there, you see each other in passing. So then you start yelling and then you try to keep your six feet distance, you know, but then you stop and you start chatting and yeah. Yeah. So we had um quarantine and then we moved to orientation. So we were there. I think I was gone for 83 days or something altogether. It's such a long, a long, when you say it like that, i mean, it's it a long, long time. Yeah, it really was. Yeah.
Speaker: Now, would you do it again? So um I, this year, thought, you know what, it's taken me five years to just physically build back all the muscle that I lost and to mentally feel whole again.
Speaker: um And I thought, you know, Maybe. So I talked to my kids about it. My daughter is 31. My son is 29. And they both have little ones now. And, you know, being a Mimi this time, not just a mom of grown children, but a Mimi, like we talked about. um I don't know that I really wanted to leave, but I was curious what they thought about it just in case I did want to try that challenge again. Not that I have anything to prove to anybody. course. Just myself, you know, just like, can I do this? But not totally set on it. But I talked to the kids and they both said, you know, 100% no. Nope, they're not supporting me this go around. So, yeah.
Speaker: i I don't know why it surprises me, but it does. I guess, because I mean, they they've sort of lived through once and probably some worry or something. don't know. Yeah. Yeah. And then also, like you said, you're now in a different role in life, which is wonderful. Yeah. I think that my daughter looks at it a little differently. She she had did have a hard time because I was gone for so long and she could not contact me. And then they let that they let your family know, i think it was like via email, that you're out and you're safe.
Speaker: And, you know, that's all the messages that they get. um And then she still couldn't talk to me because my recovery was a little bit longer. um And she was angry when she couldn't reach me. She couldn't hear from her mom. So right yeah, she was not very happy about it. So, and I think just watching me,
Speaker: just the mental part of it when I came home because the grizzly bears were very impactful to me. um That grizzly bear, the last grizzly bear that was just kind of following me and they didn't show the whole story. He was in my, he was in my camp earlier that morning. So when I was looking to see where he came from, i track animals all the time.
Speaker: I needed to know where he came from. Was he like, I had eight grizzly bear encounters. So was he like the other grizzly bears? And I didn't think so. yeah, He had, i scared him up towards my kitchen and that's where he had come down from. He smelled me, which is why he came down. And he was in that area a couple of days before that.
Speaker: So I was aware that he was there and I knew that he wasn't gone. So his behavior was totally different than all of the other grizzly bears. So while I'm, you know, in this starved brain state, um you know, just depressed and impacted by everything that is happening around me.
Speaker: I have this grizzly bear that is a problem. um And so i so yeah I was talking to my camera, my morning diary, where I went out and I talked to my camera and I said, okay, we're going go fishing for a little bit. And then this is what we're going to do. So I'm going to go get my stuff packed up. So I came around my shelter and he was standing on the other side of it watching me.
Speaker: So I yelled at him and then he ran up in the woods. So I knew he wasn't gone. So once I, it took me a little bit, I would say half hour, maybe longer to really calm down from the impact of him just standing there watching me.
Speaker: Cause I knew it was the same one from the couple days before. So anyways, I yelled at him and then he just kind of like huffed at me a little bit, like, don't yell at me or I scared him or something. And then he ran up over the hill um and you just see this like giant bear butt bouncing up over the hill, you know?
Speaker: So um then I, I told the camera, i have to calm down. So I shut it off. And that was the, what that was the day where he, I was crying and I was going to tap out and then I didn't. And that was because that was like a two plus hour ordeal with that bear.
Speaker: So that had gone on for a long time. So I calmed down from that, you know, ah encounter. And but I didn't get that on camera because the camera was on the other side of the shelter. I left it there to go in my shelter and get my stuff. So there's no way for them to tell that part of the story. So then.
Speaker: I think it goes to me tracking him. I was like, I have to see where he came from. So I know. And then he was standing behind me right at the bush that they did catch on the camera. But it's hard for people to see because he kind of is standing at the edge of the bush. But our footsteps were 25 of my footsteps from each other when I went back and checked how close he actually had gotten to me. So, um, when i yeah, I stopped and I yelled at him and then he came up on his hind legs and was going to come back at me.
Speaker: And I'm just thinking I have nowhere to go. Like all of that, that happened in that time that I got back in the woods and I put my back to a tree because I thought, he's I can't go up a tree. He's going to climb it. I can't.
Speaker: He swims. They're going to go wherever I go. So just get your back to a tree and your knife is here and, you know, your arrows are here and not that you're going to shoot it, but, you know, you could use it as a weapon. So you're planning all this stuff, which you're doing the whole time.
Speaker: Every time you do anything, your head is on a swivel. Of course. um And you're thinking if a bear comes from there, this is where where everything is. you know You just plan that over time. But then I have this actual bear.
Speaker: But the second that I thought there is no one coming to save me, it's going to take them hours to get to me. I can scream my head off and nobody is coming to save me from this bear. That I think was the most impactful moment that I have ever had in my entire life was that bear knowing that it wasn't my choice, whether I lived or died, it was that bear's choice. So i think for me, that moment that you see me crying and saying, this is TV, this is not worth it. And I take out my yellow brick and I think they went to commercial break there because people thought I was going to tap out. um It was,
Speaker: That second that changed really like the rest of my life when I came home. Of course, a lot of things did. But it was that moment that I was like, this is in your hands. You have to figure this out.
Speaker: And this is like one of those moments that could end your life. So um that's why I thought. If I put this yellow brick away and I think about this.
Speaker: and calm down. This bear will have already made his decision by the time anybody gets here. So me panicking and thinking, i just need to tap out and need to get out of here, isn't going to stop this situation. So that's why I put it away and I didn't tap out and I stayed because, you know, whatever was going to happen was going to happen before anybody could come. And I just needed to calm down and think rationally about it because he went when he finally when I scared him away I think just I was like a noisemaker he just was over it but he wasn't done with me so he went back around and he was kind of milling around out in my swamp and I would see him you know kind of sniffing around and just not getting too far from me so he stayed for a little bit after
Speaker: That's remarkably level-headed thinking that you're right by the time the boat gets there, whatever's going to have happened is going to have happened. and yes so that Yeah.
Speaker: yeah So then I get home and that's what my daughter had to see. You know, it was... um When I first noticed it, when I went to go out the door, you don't sleep when you come home, you know, because you're just such a mess. You're up all at all hours. But I went outside of the door shut behind me and I panicked and I couldn't get back in the house. So little things were like indicating that there may be a little bit of trauma, but.
Speaker: um i always say i'm really grateful for the grizzly bear because i think that it wasn't just all grizzly bear trauma it was a lifetime of trauma that i just kept not dealing with and so the grizzly bear was just kind of like that cork and um it really i had to deal with it um you know the i think one of the producers called me um and she said You have to deal with this. This is not something every time she called, I was crying. Like I just couldn't get it together. If somebody scared me, i would cry. i would laugh. Every emotion you could feel was trying to come out of my face at the same time, you know, um just an overstimulated central nervous system. And if something made me mad, I was furious, right?
Speaker: I just had no control over any of my emotions. So um the show was nice enough to you know provide a couple of ah counseling sessions after and some workbooks and stuff that I you know was able to start that process. But um it's been you know a six year process of working through all of that. But I think I can honestly say I am the most healed that I've ever been in my life. So for me, the show was
Speaker: I love that. Yeah. The, where might you have been without the show fine? I'm sure, but it's lovely that you can reflect on it now after years and view. It's not just a positive thing in terms of adventure, but yeah internal growth and healing, which is absolutely, that's such a a lovely, lovely thing. Maybe this, I wasn't sure as you were talking, I was thinking about this, whether you're, I always like to ask guests about success. And I've found that our definition of success seems to change as we get older, things become less important and more important. And I was wondering if how you, what you would define as being successful has changed over the years.
Speaker: Yeah, I think so. i think, you know, when you're younger, i was just always pushing harder and hustling harder to, you know, be more successful and and have more of those things that everybody uses as markers for success. Right. And I was very successful in that way prior to the show. I had built, you know, many businesses. But when I came back, it was so different for me that I closed the store. I live so simply now. I just have a tiny little house and
Speaker: My success, I think I gauge now by um the people that I get to work with. So the young girls, the veterans, the women have a 100 women camp that I've done every year since I came back. And those women come back every single year to go camping with me. So if I can watch, I call my junior board members. These are the core group of kids that do all of our community events, their peer support for other kids.
Speaker: If I can watch these 12 or 13 kids that we have now that are our main youth um grow up to have a different life than they probably would have had, that's my measure of success now. i always say I get paid in hugs now. So- I love that. It just ties in beautifully. I spoke to somebody three or four days ago and out of nowhere, we were just talking about bits and pieces. He said, you know, your network is your net worth.
Speaker: And I'd never heard that expression before. And it's been rattling around my head ever since. yeah um The people I've met, how fortunate I am to be in touch with so many wonderful people. And that's really what does give me worth is those relationships with other people.
Speaker: Absolutely. And I wish somebody had asked me, i was speaking for a Rotary conference. And um afterwards, a woman had said to me, i want to be where you are without having to starve to do it. And I was like, I...
Speaker: I wish I wish that for everyone, you know, I wish people just one of the things I hear a lot from kids and it's it's a soapbox issue for me is ah I hate people.
Speaker: okay And I hate hearing them say that, like, you don't hate people, people have so much value, everyone is different, everyone has something to offer. And so that is something that we work very hard on with the kids. I don't know that I have any now that say it, but when I first met them, a lot of them would say it's what they hear, right? Everybody says it. There's t-shirts that say, I hate people. I can't people today. You know, people are just the the portrayal of um how we should distant we should be from society. and i And I keep trying to teach them, like, find the good in all of it. Like, even if your life is bad, like if you dwell on those bad things,
Speaker: that's what makes your life bad right like we have to find the good in all of it and even if it's somebody who you know is snippy at you that day like you know i mean that's the it's so cliche but you know they're probably just having a bad day so you know be extra nice to them or whatever but yeah we i really just i think i get to know that um
Speaker: I think, I don't it know how I want to say it, but i I know that I don't want to survive anymore. I know that um I want to live life. And I think that that's when you really get to um take lessons from everybody and everything is when you're not just surviving. And most of us go through life just surviving, getting through every day.
Speaker: Um, living life is, is super important. And that's really what I got to take from the show. And that's how I live my life now. And so that's what I try to teach all the kids and the, and the women that I work with is, um, let's just value every day that we have for what it is, you know?
Speaker: I love it. I love it. what it's yeah It's amazing how simple life becomes when we strip away so many of these distractions and things and not comparing ourselves to what other people have. and yeah yeah i' with you i i love the way you talked about success. I wanted to also ask you as we kind of get close to wrapping things up here.
Speaker: if If there's been a book that has been particularly impactful on your life, it might be the best book you've ever read. It might not be. But one that has stuck with you and perhaps taught you a lesson. Something that's really been impactful.
Speaker: oh Oh, my gosh. I'm always um reading different books, but I don't know that I could pick one. Or just just one that might come out to you. There might be many, but just something that has really left a mark on you.
Speaker: And I know um I didn't prepare you, of course, for these. I don't i don't give people a chance to to think about this too much because i've I have discovered that sometimes people wanted to sort of filter their answers. They wanted to come up with something very highbrow and thick when sometimes it's actually just been a comic book that got them through something difficult. So I was striving for authenticity.
Speaker: Yeah. um there was a book and it was about, gosh, I can't think of the name of it though, but I just really, i really related to that book and the culture and it was, it's quite all right. i put you on the spot. now I got, I got to look it up though. Hold on. Let me just look real quick because it was such a good book. And I actually, someone brought it up the other day and I thought, Oh my gosh. Yeah. I loved that book.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: And I think it's not
Speaker: not talked about enough. I think it's a really good book that explains a lot of like that. um
Speaker: Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver. Demon Copperhead. Yeah. It was 2022. So it's been around just for a little bit.
Speaker: Right. But it's such a good book. I always like to scribble these books down. ah my my My must read list is growing and growing by the week, but I'm putting all these on it. That one was really good. That one, i for a long time after I read it, I would tell everybody to read that book. So I would say, yeah.
Speaker: That's the mark of a good book, I find, is when you can annoy your friends by telling them, um yeah you you must read this book. I know, always think nobody's going to listen to me. I'm going to say, yeah, it's good one. Yeah, yeah, it's a good one, so.
Speaker: My final question for you is if you could go out for a wilderness weekend, you've got your tent, you've got your 10 items plus some more, something out in the mountains. I would like to know other than, going to say other than your children and grandchildren because they may come first.
Speaker: Who would you like to take with you? And this could be somebody you know, somebody you don't know, dead, alive, famous, not famous. Anyone who's ever existed and you get to just pick their brain and spend the weekend with them. Who might you like to take with you?
Speaker: Oh, man, this one will make me cry because it's it's my friend Arnie. Yeah, it's OK. Arnie was a Korean War veteran and I lost him about maybe a year and a half ago, almost two years ago now. But um yeah, he just he was just such a special fellow and such an avid outdoorsman. He taught me so much about the outdoors and really filled a lot of voids in my life. So he was if I could spend some time with him. Yeah.
Speaker: It'd be Arnie. Well, here's to Arnie. That's a lovely way to finish that. If people would like to reach out to you, if they could relate to your story, want to find out more about what you do, what's the best way to get hold of you?
Speaker: um I would say Facebook, you can find me on Facebook or um my nonprofit is This Is My Quest. And I appreciate you letting me um talk about that a little bit, because that just has been like a full circle for my life. I got to stay right here where I love being and offer opportunities to those kids who are very much like me and. we um We now do programs for opioid prevention for families that are struggling with that. We have a recovery program. So um I'm just kind of all over the place with our Quest programming. Everything is ah Recovery Quest, Aqua Quest. We do water study, all kinds of stuff like that. So thisismyquest.org is a great place to find me too.
Speaker: Fantastic. I'll make sure to put the links to This Is My Quest in the show notes when this podcast podcast goes out. Rose, this has just been a pleasure. Thank you so much for your time today. Yes, thank you so much.
Speaker: Thank you again to this week's guest and I hope today's episode was as enjoyable for you as it was for me and perhaps even inspired your next adventure. If you did enjoy the show, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review or follow us wherever you get your podcasts. You can find more information at theoutdoorsyeducator.com or follow us on Instagram, TikTok or Facebook. Until next time, thank you so much for listening to The Outdoorsy Educator Podcast.
