Transcript
Speaker: Doctor warns against this surprisingly stupid Christmas trend.
Speaker: Don't masturbate with ornaments.
Speaker: No sh**.
Speaker: There's a sentence that I never thought I would say out loud, especially on a podcast.
Speaker: Here are the top three ornaments you definitely should not masturbate with.
Speaker: Number three, garland.
Speaker: I imagine it's used for some kind of choking fetish.
Speaker: Number two, those old school large Christmas bulbs.
Speaker: Sure, they're tapered, but they're fragile.
Speaker: Plus, they're made in China, and China is already up our asses, so why make it worse?
Speaker: Number one, the Angel Tree Topper.
Speaker: That's just wrong.
Speaker: Helpful tip, if you insist on masturbating with Christmas ornaments, the tree stand is a great way to catch all the blood.
Speaker: Here are the top three Christmas carols to listen to while masturbating with Christmas ornaments.
Speaker: Number three, the little bummer boy.
Speaker: Number two, oh come all ye shameful.
Speaker: And number one, it's beginning to look a lot like stitches.
